Almost Doesn't Count
by RainandFlames
Summary: Sequel to "Lonely In a Crowd" Riding off into the sunset isn't always magical. In fact, it rarely is. Meredith and Derek are finding that out.
1. The Failure in Perfection

**I did it. I really have lost my mind this time. But this thing jumped into my head and pushed out my three other fic ideas right out. Apparently it doesn't care that I am too busy to write it. So yes, you should read Lonely in a Crowd before you even think about starting this. Lonely in a Crowd is completed in this site.**

**It's going to be fairly rough for awhile. Anyone who reads my fics, knows I love drama. But I promise Mer/Der. I am die-hard Mer/Der, so no worries there! It will just be painful. And long. The On-Call people want to kill me daily!**

Meredith laid down in her bed. It was raining. The massive storm seemed to be sitting over Seattle just to spite her. Rain was something she always loved. But recently she decided it was actually something that she loathed. After several unsuccessful hours, she finally got Liam down for the night. Apparently he was not at all fond of loud cracking thunder or flashing lightning. And a grumpy sleepy baby, soon made for a grumpy sleepy mom.

Meredith rolled over and gathered her blankets around her body. She was cold. That was something that she was getting used to. She was slowly getting used to sleeping alone in her bed. It lonely. It was something she never thought she could do. But she was doing it. She would just add another blanket and curl up in a tighter ball.

Sleep came eventually. She wasn't even sure how long she had been sleeping when she awoke abruptly. It was the cry of her baby. She used to be able to tune things out. She could sleep through anything. But the cries of her baby always cut right through her. They could awake her from any sleep. The connection she had with Liam was incredibly strong. It was a bond that could not be broken.

Meredith tossed her blankets back and threw her legs over the bed. Her feet hit the cold floor and immediately woke her up from her half-asleep state. She stumbled slowly out of her room and down the hallway. As she crossed the crosswalk she looked at the lightening that was illuminating up the great room with a an eerie glow. Liam's cries only got loudly as she neared his nursery. Her heart broke as she looked down at her baby's beet red face and tear stained cheeks.

"Mama's here, LeeLee." Meredith said softly as she looked down at her baby. His cries quickly stopped as his bright blue eyes looked up at his mom.

Meredith gently scooped up her baby and walked over to the window. She leaned her baby's head against her and took a deep breath, breathing him in. Nothing smelled more perfect than her son. She slowly walked over to his dresser and looked at the picture of she, Derek and Liam. The perfect family. Or so she thought.

"Are you hungry, little man?" Meredith asked as she ran her hand over his soft head. "Mama will feed you..." Meredith said softly as she walked down the hallway to the master bedroom.

Meredith sat down in the plush chair by the window. She loved to sit in the room and look out the window. She remembered when they had the plans drawn up for the house. It was everything that she wanted. She looked out the window, taking in the sight of the lightning reflecting off of lake. She loved her house. She softly lifted her shirt and guided Liam to her breast. She stroked his head as he looked into her eyes. Their eyes met with an silence. There was an unspoken language between them. She couldn't help but look down at her son and see Derek. He looked just like his dad.

"You know, you will have to get used to the rain, little guy. All it ever does in Seattle is rain. The rain is good. It makes things grow so big and pretty. Mommy loves the rain." She explained.

This was how it went. She talked to Liam more than anyone else. They had special moments everyday. He was her companion. He was her little man. Liam Patrick Shepherd was the light of her life. She lived and breathed for him. Anything for him.

"I know you miss your Daddy, little man. I miss him too." She said as she stroked his shoulder. "Mommy made such a bad mistake. And she is so sorry. I'm sorry, baby." She told him as she looked in his eyes. "I miss him so much..." She muttered softly as she looked out at the property. "So much..."

Meredith looked around her room. She had thought she built the perfect life. It was supposed to be the perfect life. After all they had been through, they were meant to finally have it all. They fought through so much. They made the perfect child. They built the perfect house. They had perfect jobs. And it was supposed to be happily ever after. Until that day.

Meredith_ finished changing Liam's diaper. She softly tickled the little boy's skin, causing him to giggle and coo. He was so cute. She couldn't get enough of him. He was her pride and joy. And Derek's too. Meredith placed the dirty diaper in the trash and buttoned up Liam's onesie as she heard the garage door open._

_"It sounds like daddy is home!" Meredith said happily as she scooped her son up and walked down the stairs. "Daddy!" Meredith said as she walked up to him._

_"There's mommy and baby..." Derek said happily as he kissed his wife softly and went to grab his son._

_"Ah, ah, ah... Daddy has to wash his hands first." Meredith warned as she shooed him away. She followed Derek to the kitchen with Liam in her arms. _

_"So how was your day?" Derek asked as he dried his hands on the towel._

_"Lots of poo. And Leelee had a bath... Didn't you?" Meredith asked as she kissed him and handed him over to Derek._

_"Hey little man. Did you have a bath?" He asked as he kissed his son. "Did you poop lots for mommy? What a big guy you are."_

_"Mom called. My mom. She said Richard is doing better. I was going to stop by their house, but I didn't want to take Liam out in the rain." Meredith explained and she tickled Liam's cheek._

_"Yeah. I talked to Richard today. He's retiring." Derek explained as he looked at her. "Daddy loves you." Derek told Liam as he kissed him. "My little LP."_

_"Retiring?" Meredith asked in shock._

_"Ellis will not let him continue. She is terrified of another heart attack. The cardiologist is urging him to lessen his load." Derek explained._

_"So who is going to take his place?" Meredith asked with concern. _

_She was dreading his answer. She was worried. She was worried that he was going to tell her exactly what she did not want to hear. She braced herself as she leaned against the counter._

_"Well, he asked me." Derek said quickly._

_"What did you say?" Meredith asked as her stomach dropped._

_"What is there to say? " Derek asked as he averted his attention to his son._

_"You could have said yes." Meredith told him, wondering why she even suggested it._

_"Mer, I know how it is. Liam is a month and a half old. And you- There is no choice here." Derek pointed out. "I turned him down last time. He was only asking out of courtesy."_

_Meredith stood there with her wheels spinning. She knew how this went. And she knew that Derek only came to Seattle to be Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. This was his dream. It had been his whole life. He had already turned it down once because of she and Liam. And now, she couldn't be the reason for his dreams flying out the window._

_"He was asking because he thinks you would be the best candidate. And he is right." Meredith said with a faint smile. "This your dream, Derek. You are the only one that can live it. If it's what you want, you need to do it." She sadly. _

_"Mer..." Derek muttered as he looked up at her. She could see a glint of hope in his eye._

_"This is your choice." She told him reassuringly. "Do it. If that is what you want, do it."_

_"You're sure?" Derek asked with a big grin._

_"I'm sure." Meredith lied as she grabbed her son._

_"I love you, Mer." He said as he kissed passionately._

_"I love you too." She said as she grabbed her son._

_"I'm going to call Richard." He said as he walked off._

_Meredith pulled her son close. It broke her heart. She just agreed to something that was her worst nightmare. She knew how it went. The never ending stack of paperwork. The long hours. The responsibility. It wasn't a nine to five job. It was a job that was your life. It was a huge undertaking. But most of all, it did one thing, It ruined families. _

Meredith held a sleeping Liam in her arms. She cried softly, so as not to wake him up. She tried to not cry around him. He seemed to be able to pick up mommy's sadness in a second. He didn't deserve to have this burden to bear. This is how it went. Just she and Liam. So alone. Meredith stood up and carried Liam back to his nursery. As she returned to her bed, she pulled her covers to her chin. Another lonely night.

----------------

Meredith awoke to the alarm clock blaring in her ear. She hated that sound. That annoying sound that meant that her peaceful night's rest was over. She moaned as she rolled over and smacked the clock with force. As she felt her feet hit the floor, she looked at her bed. It was empty. Derek's side was still untouched.

Meredith went through her usually morning routine. If Liam stayed asleep, she would take a quickly shower and get dressed. But if he woke up, that generally put a damper on everything. This morning he was silent. She quickly and quietly crept to his nursery and looked it. He was sleeping peacefully. A good morning.

Meredith moaned as the hot water poured down her body. She ran her hands down her sides. It was almost back to it's original shape. Shortly after having Liam, she was self conscious. Everything was so stretched and saggy. She was so worried that Derek wouldn't see her that way he did before. But that wasn't the case. He seemed more crazy about her than ever. It was the boobs. He loved the boobs. But that all ended. Exhaustion from the hospital soon took over and he seemed to have no interest at all anymore.

As she stepped out of the shower and dried herself off, she looked in the mirror. The eyes that looked back at her were sad. They were lonely. She missed her husband. She missed human contact other than that of an eight month old. She missed Derek's hands on her. She missed the feeling he gave her when he looked into her eyes. She missed Derek. She needed him. But it seemed like he didn't need her.

"Leelee." Meredith said with a big smile as she walked into his nursery.

He smiled as he looked up at her. When he cooed, her heart melted every time. She picked him up and held him against her chest. Whenever she did that, she swore their hearts beat as one. After a kiss on the head, Meredith laid Liam on the changing table.

"You peed lots." Meredith said as she rubbed her nose against his. "Mama has to go to work. And that means you get to go with me."

Meredith carried Liam downstairs with his diaper bag. She held him in one arm as she made herself a cup of coffee and toast. It was not easy. And he did not like to sit in his carrier when there was the possibly of being in her arms. This was how it was. She was learning to do it on her own. She was doing it all on her own.

Meredith talked to Liam the whole way to the hospital. She would look into the rearview mirror at the mirror that was above him. A smile always covered his face when she walked to him. This was the part she didn't like. She hated leaving him in the hands of the hospital daycare. She wanted to have it all. She wanted to be at the hospital and at home. She wanted to have her husband and her son.

"He will be fine, Dr. Grey." Karen said with a smile as she grabbed the baby.

"Page-" Meredith started as he looked at him.

"Page you if he needs you. I know. Have a good day." Karen said with a smile.

"Mama will be back to feed you lunch." Meredith said as she kissed him on the cheek.

Meredith slowly and begrudgingly walked down the hallway. She did not want to leave her son with the other kids. She saw Derek standing at the end of the hallway. He was reading over a paper. She wanted to go down and see him. She wanted to give him a kiss good morning like they did so long ago. Instead she turned on her heel and walked towards the locker room. Just another day.

"Hey." Izzie said happily as Meredith walked in.

"Hey." Meredith replied with a weak smile as she looked up.

"It still bothers you. To leave Liam." Izzie pointed out.

"Of course it does. He is my son." Meredith said with a frown. "I just- Never mind."

"I am going to get a kick-ass surgery today." Cristina said with a nod. "I just know it."

"That's good." Meredith muttered as she pulled her shirt on.

"What's your problem?" Cristina snapped as she looked at Meredith.

"Liam." Izzie said with a nod.

"Oh God... Just get over it." Cristina said as she rolled her eyes.

"He is my baby. I can't just get over it." Meredith said frankly as she rolled her eyes at her.

"So... Shepherd stayed in his office again." Alex said with a chuckle as he walked in.

"Again?" Izzie asked in shock. "Isn't that-"

"Third time this week." Alex said as he shook his head. "Man, you have problems."

"We're fine. Everything is fine." Meredith told him quickly. "And I have interns and rounds." She said as she walked out of the locker room.

Meredith looked down the hallway. Her interns were already flocked outside their locker room. They were waiting for her. She was fortunate. She really didn't get a bad group. Bailey did with her group. She, George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina were a bad group. Surgery hungry and whiny. Just as Miranda had always said.

"We have rounds." Meredith said with a smile as she walked up.

"Do you think I'm going to get in the OR today?" Katie Jennison asked as she looked up.

"If you are getting in the OR, then I am getting in the OR." Adam Martin said as he looked over at her.

"No one is getting in the OR. Not unless I say so." Meredith snapped as she looked back. "What the hell was I saying about good interns?" She muttered to herself

"Okay... What do we have here?" Meredith asked as she walked into the room of their first patient. "Dr. Sloan..." Meredith said with a nod.

"Dr. Shepherd." Mark said with a smile.

"Who wants to present?" Meredith asked her interns.

"I will!" Katie said as she stepped forward and grabbed the chart.

Meredith wanted to roll her eyes as she watched her intern. Katie was like Cristina. She was a know-it-all. She was a surgery monger. She wanted to be in the middle of everything. But she was good. She was an exceptional doctor who was completely focused on her work. Meredith had all the confidence in the world that she would succeed.

"Okay... Let's see..." Meredith said as she looked over at the patient in the bed. "Mr. Leonard is in for a the removal of a tumor in his temporal lobe." Meredith said as she read his chart. "Here you go, Dr. Crane." She said as she handed the chart to her intern.

Derek and Meredith's eyes locked as they stood there. Green met blue. He looked so tired. She hated seeing him this way. It seemed as if he had aged so much in the last seven months. The job was too much. But he never complained about it. He just went on, one day at a time.

As she looked into his eyes, they spoke. They spoke the inaudible language that they had always spoken with their eyes. She missed him so badly. Her heart ached for his strong arms around her. She ached for his soft touch. It had been so long since they had been intimate. Her body ached for his.

"Meredith..." Derek said softly as he followed behind her.

"Good morning." Meredith said with a light smile as she looked at him.

"Good morning." Derek said as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"You didn't come home." Meredith muttered sadly.

"It was so late when I finally got done with the paperwork. And the roads were horrible." Derek explained.

"I'm glad you didn't drive in it. Liam was up all night. He hates the thunder, you know." She said softly.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He said as he kissed her again.

"You'll be home tonight?" She asked quickly.

"I will be home tonight." Derek said with a nod as he walked off.

"Go see your son!" She yelled after him. "He misses his dad." He told him. "And his mom misses his dad too..." She muttered softly.

**Okay... This will be updated every other day! I have 28 chaps written, but I only get about 2 chapter a week written.**


	2. Growing Apart

Meredith's eyes lit up as she walked towards the daycare center. She could see Liam in the crib. As she got closer, she realized her was crying. Not just crying, he was bawling. She frowned as she walked up and opened the door. Her heart ached as he heard his loud cries fill the room.

"He won't stop." Karen said with a frown as she looked up.

"You didn't page me." Meredith grumbled with a frown.

"He just-" Karen followed Meredith to the crib.

"Oh... My poor guy. Leelee, you're okay." She told him as she leaned down and picked him up. His face brightened as he looked at his mom.

"Oh good..." Karen said with relief as she looked at Meredith. "He doesn't usually do this."

"You need to page me when he is like this." Meredith said frankly as she held him close. "Has Dr. shepherd been down to see him?"

"No. He hasn't been around all day." Karen said with a faint smile.

"I'm going to take him outside with me while I eat lunch. It's a nice day." Meredith explained as she placed him in his carrier and walked out of the room.

Meredith was not happy to hear that Derek had not been around to see his son. In fact it killed her. Liam needed to know that his dad was around. He needed to know who his dad was. She knew Derek couldn't help it. But she didn't like the fact that Liam was the one that suffered for it all. He may be young, but he knew that someone was missing.

"Hey Liam..." Izzie cooed as Meredith sat his carried down on the table.

"Oh god... You brought the stink patrol." Cristina muttered as she looked up.

"If you don't shut up, his latest deposit will make it's way to your locker." Meredith said with a smile as she looked across the table.

"A lot of talk. But I know better." Cristina said with a nod.

"Keep pushing it. You'll see." Meredith told her quickly. Meredith opened up her salad and began picking at it.

"I wouldn't screw with her. Those things are like bombs." Alex told her frankly as he looked at Liam. Liam began to whimper.

"Oh Liam. We know he's grotesque. Just look away." Izzie said with a giggle.

"He's hungry." Meredith said simply as she grabbed her son and covered him with the blanket. She rubbed his head as he nursed gently.

"Seriously. Do you know how hard it is to eat when he is sucking on your boob?" Alex said as he looked over.

"He's a baby. He has to eat." Meredith told him. "Besides, he is covered. It's not like you're seeing anything."

"And that's the problem." Alex said with a chuckle.

"You are an ass..." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes.

"You are deranged." George said as he shook his head.

"I can't help it that you aren't a man." Alex snapped.

"I am a man!" George yelled as he tossed his sandwich down.

"We know you are, Dr. O'Malley." Derek said as he walked up. "Hey.." Derek said softly to Meredith. "I went to see my son. But apparently, he ran away."

"He did." Meredith said with a giggle. "I found him attached to my boob."

"What a good place to be." Derek said with a smirk as he lifted the blanket and kissed Liam on the head. "Lucky guy."

"It's not something you couldn't have..." Meredith muttered softly.

"Did you really have to say that?" George asked as he looked over at her.

"I kinda did." Meredith said happily. "So how is your day?" Meredith asked as she looked over.

"Busy." Derek told her as he dragged the chair over. Meredith picked at her salad as Liam nursed. "How is yours?"

"It's fine. My interns are driving me nuts today." Meredith explained.

"You have no room to talk! You have four. We all have five and that is bullshit." Cristina pointed out. "I think someone was being easy on you." She said suggestively as she looked at Derek.

"It's not my fault Meredith ran her intern out of the program." Derek said with a chuckle,

"I didn't run her out. She couldn't hack it." Meredith said with a shrug. "Are you done, big guy?" Meredith asked as Liam looked up. "Maybe daddy wants to burp you?" She asked as she looked at Derek.

"Of course." Derek said. Right as he went to grab him, his pager went off. He looked down at it and frowned. "I have to-"

"Just go." Meredith said with a clenched jaw as she patted Liam's back.

"I'm sorry." Derek told her softly.

"I know you are." She said as she closed her eyes, forcing the tears back.

Everyone at the table remained silent. They knew what was going on. It was an obvious to the rest of the hospital. But they saw her everyday. They could see the loneliness in her eyes. She looked like she was sinking. Their friend was losing her happily ever after.

"I'm so sorry, Leelee." She whispered as she patted Liam softly on his back. "So sorry."

"I'm sorry, Mer." Izzie said softly as she looked across the table.

"Sorry for what?" Meredith asked as she pretended to be oblivious. "I have to go." She told them as she placed Liam in the carrier and walked off.

"Man... That's rough." Alex said as he watched her walk off.

"Shepherd's an ass." Cristina spat as she stood up.

"I think you're right." Izzie said sadly.

-----------------

Meredith drove home from the hospital alone. When she went to the daycare center, Liam was bawling again. In fact, his cheeks were raw from the tears. She ran her fingers on his gums, and she didn't feel any problems. She hated leaving him there. Her obviously wasn't happy. Between his unhappiness and her own, she was feeling like she was drowning.

The sun was just setting as Meredith drove down the long winding driveway. She looked at the beautiful sunset as it shown through the trees and over the water. The house was dark except for the timer lights that were on the outside. She just left the hospital, she knew Derek was still there. As she drove up, she frowned. It was so simple when it was she and him in that trailer. That first time that they made love. And now it was so complicated. Anyone who would drive up to their house would think that it was perfection. Surely the people who lived in it were perfect too. If they only knew.

Meredith pulled a package of meat out of the refrigerator. She had to cook. She wasn't the best, but she was learning. Without Derek around to cook, she had to do it. Living on macaroni and cheese didn't work when you were nursing a baby. She placed the meat in the pot and carried Liam to a chair by the window. She made enough for two. But she knew it would just be one.

Meredith looked at the headlights coming down the driveway. Her face brightened. Her smile grew. He was home. He actually got out of there at a decent hour. For once they could share a meal at the same place at the same time. But all excited faded as she watched the car pull in front of the house.

"Hey." Meredith said to Cristina as she opened the door.

"You need to drink." Cristina said with a nod as she held up the bottle of tequila and walked in.

"I can't. As much as I need to, I can't." Meredith told her with a sad sigh. "Not with Liam."

"Put him to bed." Cristina said frankly as she looked at the baby's blue eyes.

"I can't do that. I can't take care of him when I am drinking. And I'm nursing." Meredith told her as she held her hand against Liam's head.

"You are no fun." Cristina spat as she looked up. "Well, if you aren't going to drink, I will." She told her with a shrug as she walked over and grabbed a glass out of the cabinet. "Your husband is an ass."

"I know." Meredith muttered as she sat down I the stool. "I know he is."

"So what are you going to do?" Cristina asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"About what?" Meredith asked as she bounced Liam gently.

"Your marriage is over." Cristina said frankly as she slammed a shot.

"Why? Why do you have to say that?" Meredith snapped as she looked at Cristina.

"Because it's true. I always told you it was a bad idea. And it was. But I have to admit that I thought it would be later. I thought for sure you would have a whole herd of mini McDreamys and then he would dump your ass off. I guess with Burke gone, he got his shot at Chief sooner." Cristina told her simply.

"My marriage is not over. And Derek is a good chief!" Meredith said quickly. "He was always going to be chief."

Meredith felt sick as she sat there. Cristina couldn't be right. There was no way there her marriage was over. They still had the spark. Derek was just really busy. They were not over. They couldn't be. She couldn't think that way. Why did Cristina have to say that?

----------------

Derek sat at his mahogany desk. The hospital was quiet. He experienced these moments quite frequently these days. The moments when the hospital was quiet and he had a huge pile of paperwork in front of him. This was not what he had expected when he accepted the position as chief. But he couldn't say he didn't know better, because he did. He knew exactly what it was to be the chief of surgery. The boss.

As he glanced up at the clock, he frowned. It was already eleven in the evening. It was almost the next day. Almost the next day and he wasn't done with the work from today. He should call Meredith. He wanted to call Meredith. But he knew if he did, it would be the same thing that it always had been. He quit calling a month ago. Because he was tired of it. He would call, and wake Liam up. And then Meredith would be angry because he did. And if he didn't happen to wake Liam up, then she was mad anyway. It was always the same. She was mad. And he was apologetic. And neither was happy. There was no way to be. It was constant disappointment.

Derek didn't regret taking the job as chief. He regretted the time it took away from his family. He regretted that he didn't get to see his son. And he regretted that he hadn't put Liam down for bed since he didn't know when. But he loved being chief. He loved his job. It was all he worked for all his life. And after all the hard work, he made it. He actually made it. And he couldn't let go of that.

He missed Meredith. He wasn't dumb. And he wasn't blind. He had been seeing it. Her face was just a little more tired each day. She looked just a little sadder. She didn't look unhappy. She looked unsatisfied. And she probably was. He hadn't made love to her in god knows how long. Not that he didn't want to. He did. But the exhaustion by the end of the day took all the need away from him. The only thing he wanted when he got home was a warm bed.

As Derek signed his last piece of paper, he sighed. There was more. Always more. But he could go home. He could go home and work twice as hard tomorrow. He dropped his pen down on the desk and flipped off the light. Maybe for once he could sleep in the warmth of his wife's arms instead of the cold leather sofa or the dirty on-call room bed.

As Derek drove up to his house, he realized how much he missed it. He missed cutting the grass. He loved sitting on that tractor and mowing the lawn. He missed the way the sun looked when it come over the trees on the east side of the property as they ate breakfast. He created this house for them. For his family to grow old in. He missed all of it. But right now there wasn't anything he could do about it.

Derek sighed as he pulled his shoes off and walked into her dark house. Meredith had a few small lights on. All lights that they kept on when they went to bed. She was in bed already. Most normal people were. He noticed Cristina's car in the driveway. He knew she was here. As he looked in the refrigerator, he saw the remnants of the meal that Meredith had cooked. But he realized her was just too tired to eat.

All Derek wanted to do was go lay in his soft warm bed. He had been longing for that bed the last three nights. He made his way down the hallway, stopping at Liam's nursery. The tiny baby was sleeping so peacefully. Derek just stood there and took in the sight of his amazing son. He still couldn't believe that he and Meredith had created something so perfect. He gave him a soft kiss before heading to his bedroom. A frown covered his face as he walked in.

Cristina was in his bed. That soft, warm bed that he had longed for? Well now she was in it. And my she, he meant the woman that he didn't care too much for. And the feeling it seemed was mutual between them. Meredith's toxic friend. That was what he called her to himself. She was dark. And selfish. And she didn't care about Meredith. Not really.

Derek ignored the overwhelming feeling to shove her out of his bed. Instead, he decided to brush his teeth and go to the guest room. As he laid his head down on the pillow he grumbled. He should be in his bed. With his wife. But he wasn't. And he probably wouldn't be tomorrow, either.


	3. Toxic Friends

Derek had been home. Meredith knew because the bed linens in the guest bedroom where strewn all over the place. Of course the first time he comes home in awhile and Cristina is in their bed with her. Meredith felt like she really missed out. She felt angry at Cristina. It wasn't her fault, she had no idea that he was coming home. She wished she had made Cristina go to the guest bedroom. At least then they would have gotten to spend some time together. Even if it was while they were sleeping.

"I'm not cooking you breakfast." Meredith said frankly as she ate her egg and nursed Liam.

"I don't want you to. Where is the bread?" Cristina asked as she looked up.

"Over there." Meredith snapped as she took another bite of her egg.

"Oh... Aren't we touchy today?" Cristina pointed out as she slide her wheat bread in the toaster.

"Derek came home. Derek came home and you were in his bed." Meredith grumbled as she looked over at her.

"What's the difference? You were sleeping..." Cristina told her as she rolled her eyes.

"What's the difference? Are you kidding me?" Meredith asked as she took a sip of her orange juice. "I never see my husband. Excuse me if I want to wake up with him next to me." "Now I see why Burke left your ass." Meredith muttered under her breath.

"Hey. That was mutual." Cristina told her as she slathered her toast with butter. "Burke didn't leave me."

"Sure it was... He just disappeared one day, without telling you anything. That sounds mutual to me." Meredith answered as she rolled her eyes. "Because you are perfect and he would have no reason to be dissatisfied."

"Exactly. I knew you would get it." Cristina said with a big smile.

"Leelee... You such a hungry guy!" Meredith said with a smile as she rubbed his head.

"Do you have to call him that. It is horrid. Leelee. Who calls their kid that?" Cristina asked frankly.

"I do. And if you don't like it, don't listen." Meredith said quickly.

"I hope something good comes in today. I need a good surgery." Cristina said with a smile as she changed the conversation.

"No kidding. For once, I agree with you. I need to cut too." Meredith said with a nod as she pulled Liam up and looked into his eyes. "Look at you! You're mommy's little man, aren't you?"

"So what are you going to do, Mer?" Cristina asked as she looked across the table.

"Well, I am going to get my shoes on. And I will put my son in the car seat. And I will drive him to the hospital. And then I will leave him with Karen. I know you don't like it, baby. And if mommy could stay home with you, she would. Yes I would..." Meredith said as she blew a raspberry on his belly.

"Not that, smart-ass. With Derek. What are you going to do?" Cristina asked with a bit of concern in her voice.

"Nothing. There isn't anything to do. It will lighten up. Things will get easier and Derek will start coming home. We'll be fine." Meredith said frankly.

"Meredith... So how is it in Fantasy-land?" Cristina asked with a chuckle.

"I do not live in Fantasy-land. You're just jealous because Burke dumped you. Now that was just a matter of time. We all knew that would happen. He was too- And you are just... You're you." Meredith said somewhat nastily.

It was a little harsh. But Cristina was always harsh. She was harsh to everyone. And Meredith was getting tired of it. She was a bully. She was a bully and it wasn't nice. Meredith was starting to feel just a little worse every time she talked to her. And she was tired of it. Period. Cristina was silent as she ate her toast. Meredith was right, and it stung.

---------------

"Hey." Meredith said softly as she walked into Derek's office.

"Hey." Derek answered as he shuffled papers around and glanced up at her.

"You came home..." Meredith said softly as she sat in the chair in front of him.

"I did. And Cristina was in my bed." He said with a frown.

"I know. She came over. She drank, and I couldn't send her home like that." Meredith explained as she sighed.

"But you could have sent her to the guest room. One of the many." Derek said frankly as he signed another paper.

"Derek... She is my person. And you- I didn't think you would come home anyhow." Meredith told him sadly.

"Meredith... I-" Derek started. "I try. It's not like I want to be here."

"If you didn't want to be here, Derek, you wouldn't be." Meredith said as she stood up.

"Meredith!" Derek said as he stood up.

"We have dinner with Mark and Addie on Friday. Eight o'clock. Please Derek, please be there." She said as she walked out and shut the door behind her.

Derek sat back in his leather chair. His hand swiped across the desk in anger. He watched as hundreds of pieces of paper fluttered around the room. As he sat back and ran his fingers through his hair he looked at the mess. Everything was a mess.

Meredith laid her head against the wall. A silent tear slid down her cheek. It was a tear shed for what once was. She missed him. She missed what they had, no matter how short it was. She wanted it to work out. She needed to make it work.

"Hey Firecracker!" Mark said as he walked up.

"Hi." Meredith mumbled quietly.

"Hey... Are you okay?" Mark asked as he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Um... Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay." Meredith said with a fake smile and a nod.

"I know you well enough to know you are not okay!" Mark said frankly.

"Mark... I'm fine... Don't worry. I have to go." She told him as she walked off.

"Okay. Don't forget! Friday. Addie hasn't forgotten!" Mark said as she started to walk away.

"Yeah... Friday." Meredith agreed with a nod. Mark stood there and watched as she sadly walked away. He quickly tapped on Derek's door and walked in.

"Hey... Do you need something?" Derek asked as he looked up from the mess that laid before him.

"What the hell happened in here? A tornado?" Mark asked as he looked at the scattered papers.

"This is- A mess." Derek said with a sigh as he rubbed his face.

"No kidding..." Mark agreed as he looked around, assuming Meredith did it. "What's wrong with the firecracker? She's a little...fizzled out." Mark pointed out sadly.

"I know... She's upset. I- We haven't had much time together lately." Derek admitted sadly.

"Don't you think you should make time?" Mark asked with raised brows.

"You know, it is really easy for you to say that. You have no idea what it's like to juggle this mess." Derek told him with a hint of anger in his voice.

"Well, I think you should get your priorities straight." Mark muttered.

"You know what- You just- You have no right to judge me. I am doing the best I can." Derek said quickly. Mark's pager began to blare.

"I have to go. But Shep, don't mess it up. She's the best thing that ever happened to you." Mark said as he pulled the door shut. Mark was right. Meredith was the best thing that ever happened to him. And he had to make a conscious effort to fix this. This was no longer a back burner issue.

---------------

Meredith laid back in her bathtub. She was so exhausted. She never thought it would be so hard to juggle it all. Liam was crawling all over the place and she was finding next to impossible to keep up with him. She looked over at him as he slept peacefully in his carrier. She liked to have him around. She liked to just look at him. He was her perfection. She and the love of her life had created pure perfection.

Meredith glanced around her bathroom. She had taken a big part in it's design. This house was part of their lives. They had made all the decisions together. This house was a representative of their lives together. It was strong. It was new. It was fresh. And now she was waiting to to fall down and rot like they were.

Meredith laid Liam down his his crib. He slept so peacefully. He was so aware of the chaos that was swirling around him. But Meredith was determined to keep him safe. She would protect him from anything. He was her main concern. She was all he had.

"Hey..." Derek muttered softly from the doorway.

"Hey." Meredith said with a big smile as she turned around. "How was your day?"

"Busy." Derek told her with a nod. "Too busy. How was yours?" He asked as he kissed her on the cheek.

"It was good." Meredith told him with a soft smile. "We missed you... There's dinner in the refrigerator." She said softly as she looked down at Liam.

"He's perfect, isn't he?" Derek asked as he ran his finger over Liam's tiny cheek.

"He is." Meredith agreed as she ran her hand over his. "I miss you."

"Miss you too." Derek agreed as he ran his hand alongside her face. "So much..." He muttered as his lips covered hers.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as he sucked on her neck.

"I need you, baby." He said softly as he licked her ear.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she wrapped her legs around his waist and carried her down to their bedroom.

"You are so beautiful." Derek said softly as he laid her back onto their bed.

"In my flannel pajamas?" She giggled as she looked up.

"In anything..." He said frankly as he hovered over her. His hard cock pressed into her leg as he kissed the exposed skin on her chest. "So beautiful..." He repeated as he began to unbutton her top. "Wow..." He muttered as he ran his hands over her swollen breasts.

"I need you, Derek." Meredith moaned as she ran her hands over his hard member.

"Baby... You are so wet." Derek told her as he ran his fingers over her wet slit.

She needed him. Not just physically. She needed him mentally. She had missed him so badly. She longed for his touch. She longed for his soft kiss. She needed Derek the way she had him before. She missed him, and she didn't want to miss him anymore.

"Oh God... Just fuck me already." Meredith told him as she slid her tongue into his mouth. She felt the head of his thick penis waiting at the entrance of her wet pussy.

Their moment of need was cut short. The moment before pure pleasure was ruined. Meredith sighed softly as she heard Liam begin to scream. It wasn't a faint cry. It was a loud wail. Derek groaned as he looked at her face. His cock was begging for her and she was taking it all away.

"Just let him cry." Derek moaned as he pushed her down on the bed and pinned her with his body. He forced his tongue in her mouth as he kissed her deeply.

"I can't let him cry..." Meredith said after she pulled away.

"He'll cry himself to sleep. He needs to learn to self soothe. I need you..." He said as he ran his cock up and down her.

"He needs me." Meredith said as she pushed him off of her and pulled her pajamas on.

"He needs to learn to deal..." Derek said quickly.

"You don't know what he needs. You're never around." Meredith said frankly as she looked at him.

"That is- I need you, Meredith." Derek said with a frown.

"Well, I needed you to. Last week. The week before that. And the week before that. I could go on... But I think you know." Meredith said as she walked out. "How does it feel to need?" She asked sharply.

Derek clenched his jaw as he laid back in the bed. He was so angry. He knew that their son needed her. But he needed her. He took a deep breath as he jumped out of bed. He needed a cold shower. And he wasn't happy about it.

Meredith was angry as she walked to Liam's room. Angry at Derek. Derek was being selfish. Not only was he being selfish, but he didn't care. Instead of letting her go to Liam, he put up a fight. And what's worse, is he didn't offer to go to Liam himself. One would think with the little bit of time that he got with him, that he would be grasping at anything.

"Oh, Leelee..." Meredith muttered softly as she cradled him close to her body and sat back in the rocking chair. "Are you hungry, buddy?" She asked as she allowed him to nurse.

She wasn't going back in there. Not until he was asleep. She didn't want to say anything more than she already had. She didn't want to fight. Not while Liam was there. He didn't need to hear it. And Derek wasn't going to her. As true as the comments that she made were, he was still angry that she said them. So there they were. Angry and apart.

Meredith held Liam in her arms until he fell asleep. She took in a deep breath as she laid him down in his crib and walked out. Now it was time to return to her room. To return to him. She had stretched it out as long as she could. She waited until she thought he was asleep.

Derek was awake when Meredith laid down next to him. He could tell she was trying to be as quiet as possible. It wasn't that she was being nice. It wasn't that she was trying not to wake him. It was that she didn't want him to wake up and fight. And he knew that.

"Mer..." Derek muttered softly.

"Just- Just go to sleep, Derek. I'm sure you have a busy day." Meredith said coldly as she moved to the extreme edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry." He muttered as he moved towards her. Meredith ignored him as he pulled her close to him as spooned against him. She was just hoping it was absolutely no comfort to him.

They both fell asleep. Meredith's body softened in his arms as she slept. Had her mind known this, there would have been a huge battle between mind and body. Admittedly she did feel safer when he was home. She did feel more content. But that didn't change the fact that he was being an ass.

"Oh god! Make him stop..." Derek cried out as he covered his head.

"Oh... Go check on him please..." Meredith moaned as she rolled over.

"I'm sleeping." Derek said frankly.

"So am I." Meredith spat as she looked over.

"I just worked days, Mer. Days. I think I deserve a little fucking rest!" He spat as he looked over at her.

"Fine. Just another day, right? Ass..." She seethed as she turned in the bed. She was planning her attack. When she got just in the right angle she made it a point to shove him with her feet. But she didn't realize just how hard she shoved him until she heard the loud thud.

"What the fuck was that?" Derek yelled loudly from the floor.

"An accident." Meredith said sarcastically as she walked across the room. "By the way, he's your son too." She spat as she slammed the door.

Meredith walked into Liam's room to see him bawling. She looked down at his little red face and immediately picked him up. She tried nursing him, and he refused, only to continue to cry. She walked him up and down the stairs and around the house as he sobbed. Finally she ran her finger in his mouth, feeling the start of a tooth.

"Oh honey... Mama's so sorry. It's hurts, doesn't it?" She asked as she held him close.

Liam quieted down as he chewed on Meredith's finger. She closed her eyes as they sat there. She could hear his heavy footsteps coming down the hallway. She didn't have to look to know he was leaning up against the door-frame. She wouldn't look. She refused. She wasn't doing it. She heard his footsteps as he neared.

"Here..." Derek said softly as he held out his hands.

"No. It's fine. You need to sleep." Meredith told him as she looked down at Liam. "Besides, I don't want you to take him out of guilt."

"I'm not taking him out of guilt! I want to see him. I want to see my son. You go back to bed." Derek told her as he grabbed Liam from her arms. "How's my LP?" Derek asked as he looked at him. Liam looked back at him and began to cry. "You're okay... It's okay, Liam."

"I'll take him." Meredith told him as she held out her arms.

"No. Let me take him. We need to talk. We have talking to do." Derek said with a faint smile as he took her place in the chair. "He'll stop crying." Derek told her with a nod. "He's fine. Go."

"Okay. But if he doesn't calm down, bring him to me." She told him. "And he's cutting a tooth." Meredith said quickly as she walked away.

"Hey buddy. Hey... Shh... Mommy needs some rest. You gave to be quiet. So, I hear that you have a tooth coming in? Is it a big tooth?" Derek asked him as he gave him his finger. "You look so much like your mommy. Your mommy loves you so much. And daddy loves you so much too. I'm sorry I'm not around, buddy. I know you miss me. I miss you too." Derek said as he kissed his chubby cheek. "I'm trying. Daddy is really tying."

Derek fell asleep with Liam in his arms. It just felt natural to have his child up against his body. He loved his son so much. The guilt that he felt everyday was more immense than Meredith would ever realize. When Derek woke up at two am, he placed Liam in his crib and decided to go to bed. A faint smile crossed his face as Meredith rolled over to him. Her body against his, that felt perfect.

**This fic is rough... I know. :(**


	4. Five

Meredith laid in Derek's arms sleeping soundly. It felt so perfect there. like that was the only place she was ever supposed to be. that was the way it was meant to be. Them together and happy. They had sought hard to get where they were. Now this was the happily ever after part. Or so it should be.

"Ah..." Meredith moaned as she heard the alarm clock begin to blare loudly.

"Oh god... Already?" Derek moaned as he stretched and pulled her close to his body.

"Unfortunately, yes." Meredith told him as she rolled onto his stomach.

"Good morning." Derek said softly as he pecked kisses on her face.

"Good morning." Meredith said as she kissed him back.

Meredith smiled as she felt the presence of his morning wood pressing against her. She needed sex. She needed him. She moaned as Derek buried his face into her chest and began to kiss her softly. Derek's arms rubbed her back as he flung his tongue into her mouth. She allowed herself to taste him for a moment before pulling away.

"I have surgery." Meredith moaned as she pulled away.

"Ah... Me too." Derek said with disappointment. "But we could multi-task."

"Oh really? And what is your suggestion?" Meredith asked as she crawled out of the bed.

"Um. We could shower together. That would cut time." Derek said with a dirty smile.

"So true. But I have a feeling that would lengthen our shower time. Because I doubt we would do much bathing." Meredith pointed out quickly.

"That would be my plan." Derek said with a cheesy grin.

"It may be the best plan you have had in awhile." Meredith said with a giggle as she ran towards the bathroom. She stopped in her tracks when she heard Liam's cries.

"He's up early." Derek said softly. He was trying not to be disappointed. He knew it wasn't his son's fault.

"This is why I try to bath at night. He is used to our schedule." Meredith said with a smile as she walked out of the bedroom.

"So I will just... Get in the shower." Derek muttered as he opened the glass door and flipped the water in.

Meredith smiled happily as she walked to Liam's crib. He quit crying as soon as he looked into her eyes. She picked him up and held him against her chest as she walked him over and changed his diaper. Meredith searched through and found a cute little onesie that Mark and Addison bought. The one that said my daddy saved your daddy's life, and had a scalpel on it. Addison was always finding cute things for Liam that had medical themes. Liam was the cutest when he wore his tiny scrubs.

"You ruined mommy's fun. But that's okay. I still love you!" She said as she kissed his chubby face.

Derek came out to the kitchen and smiled. She looked so perfect as she sat at the breakfast table picking at her eggs. Liam was firmly attached to her breast, eating his breakfast. She had a plate of eggs and toast sitting on the table for him.

"You are so beautiful." Derek told her with a smile as he sat down at the table.

"Why do you say that?" Meredith asked as she glanced up.

"You just look so perfect sitting there. You are providing for our son. I just- I've never seen anything so perfect." He told her again as he took a sip of his coffee. "So what surgery do you have today?"

"Mark is doing a facial reconstruction." She said with a smile as she took another bite. "Leelee... You are such a big eater."

"He is. He eats like his mom." Derek replied with a grin.

"Maybe. But that wasn't very nice. Tell daddy not to say mean things to mommy. No teasing... Leelee says to be nice." Meredith told him.

"Is that so, LP?" Derek asked as looked up at him. Liam pulled away and looked up at Meredith. "Here... Let me have him. You go finish getting ready."

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked as she walked around the table.

"Of course I am." Derek agreed as he grabbed his son. "How is the best baby is the world? How is daddy's big guy?" Derek asked as he laid Liam against him as patted his back.

Meredith left the room and finished getting ready for work. She felt good. Derek was spending some much needed time with Liam. As she looked in the mirror, a smiling face reflected back at her. Maybe it would all be okay. She quickly jogged back into the kitchen.

"Oh fuck!" Derek shouted. Liam began crying at Derek's loud yell.

"Oh my god!" Meredith said as she looked at the spit-up running down Derek's back. "Don't say that word!" Meredith snapped as she walked up and grabbed Liam. "You're okay..." She whispered as she held him close. "Daddy needs to change." Meredith told him with giggle. "You made daddy a mess."

"Yes you did." Derek said as he began unbuttoning his shirt and went to change. He came back out in a fresh shirt and tie. "Would you like to drive together?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"We could do that." Meredith said with a nod as she got her things ready.

They drove together. Meredith was thinking foolishly enough that maybe if they drove together in her car that Derek would have to come home with her. But none of that mattered right now. They had just shared the perfect morning. And it felt so good.

--------------

Meredith walked happily into the locker room. No one could miss the big smile that was plastered all over her face. It was like a beaming light reflecting off of her. No one said a word as she walked straight to her locker and opened it up.

"Someone is happy." Izzie finally said with a smile as she looked at Meredith.

"More like someone got laid." Alex said with a smirk as Meredith slid her top off.

"Actually, it was more like someone had a perfect morning that included waking up next to their husband and actually sharing breakfast." Meredith replied happily.

"So no one got laid. Well, that's not exciting." Alex said as he shook his head.

"Not everything is sex, Alex." Meredith told him firmly as she pulled off her jeans.

"Whoa! Did I hear you right? Did you- Wow... Meredith Grey. The one that has made sex into an art. The girl who could never get enough... Did she just say sex isn't everything?" Alex asked in shock.

"She did." George said with a chuckle.

"I did. And it's not." Meredith said frankly. "Although some sex would have been a rather nice garnish to my perfect morning."

"You know, I could help you out with that." Alex responded with a smirk.

"Evil spawn, Mer wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole." Cristina said as she rolled her eyes. "And I would really like to know where my person is. I was really beginning to enjoy dark and dismal Meredith."

"Dark and dismal Meredith has left town. She left bright, shiny and satisfied Meredith." Meredith told her as she tied her shoes.

"But not sexually satisfied Meredith." Alex pointed out. "We know you well enough to know that you can't go long."

"How long has it been, anyway?" Cristina asked as she looked up at her.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith muttered as she pulled her hair back.

"Oh, Mer... That long?" Izzie asked sadly.

"Shit... Mer hasn't gotten any in so long, she's going to need some oil to help soften the rust." Cristina told everyone with a big laugh.

"It hasn't been that long." Meredith told them as she looked around.

The all looked at her. She sat there and thought about it. It hadn't been that long. Or had it? She closed her eyes and started to count the time. She started to feel sick when she realized just how long it had been. Liam was eight months old. Derek took the position as chief when he was six weeks only. And six weeks after that, was when he got ridiculously busy. It had been five months. She hadn't had sex in five months.

"Shit." Meredith muttered aloud.

"So how long?" Cristina pried as she looked at her friend.

"Five." Meredith said sadly as she looked at the floor.

"Five days... that's not bad." Alex said with a shrug.

"No. Not days." Meredith responded as she felt sick.

"Five weeks. Wow. That must be some kind of record for you and Shepherd." George said with a smile.

"No guys. Five- Five months." Meredith explained as she looked around.

"Oh. Wow. You guys have problems." Alex said frankly.

"Five months?" Cristina said in shock. "Everything I told you the other night? Scratch that. This is so much worse than I thought." Cristina said with a chuckle as she walked away.

They all left Meredith sitting on the bench. Everyone knew about Meredith and Derek's crazy sex life. They had always been all over each other. They would do it any time, any where. But it seems they had changed. Meredith frowned as she sat there. Derek was a guy that needed sex. What was going on? Was he not interested in her? Or was he getting it somewhere else?

-------------

Meredith couldn't get it out of her head. Five months. That was just unheard of. She and John had gone six years. But that was different. Meredith and Derek were not like that. Sex wasn't everything. But it sure as hell was a big part. An now they didn't have that. Everything was in fives all morning. Five pills. Five bandages. Five rolls of coban. They were taunting her.

"So... Have you decided on a specialty yet?" Mark asked as he worked on his patient's face.

"Well, I was thinking Neuro. But I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can see myself doing anything. And I don't want to be tied down with something I hate, you know?" Meredith asked as she held the facial tissue back.

"Well, maybe you should go into general surgery like your mother did." Mark suggested as he looked up at her.

"I don't know. I like the variety of general. But it's almost like you can't do anything. Like- Ah... Like you don't specialize. Like you just skim over everything, but can't do anything really well. I want to really kick ass at one thing." Meredith explained as she glanced up at him.

"I can see that. I'm sure plastics would be more than happy to have you." Mark said with a nod as he looked up.

"You never know." Meredith agreed with a shrug.

"It's not just about making people pretty. Everyone thinks it's shallow. But look at his man. His face was completely ruined in an accident. We're fixing it and he will now be a happier more confident guy. How much better can it get?" Mark asked her.

"I guess you're right. It's not just boobs and nose jobs." Meredith said with a smile.

"No. But it is a lot of the time. I do boobs more than anything." Mark said with a smirk.

"Well, I don't see why. To be honest, I'm not too fond of my additions." She said looking down at her larger breast feeding chest. "They just get in the way."

"Ah. That may be. But I bet it makes Derek happy." Mark said with a chuckle. He stopped laughing as he looked down at her. "Is everything okay?"

"Um... Well.. How long- Um. You have known Derek all your life, right?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Pretty much, why?" Mark asked with concern.

"How long- What is the longest he has gone without sex?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Um... Well. Derek... It depends, I guess. Not long. If he's happy, not long at all. It's not like he goes out searching. He's not me." Mark said with a chuckle. "But I would say- Well, you should know, he's crazy about you. Why?"

"No reason." Meredith said as her face dropped.

"You can talk to me. I mean, if you want to. I'm not Addison. But I'll listen." Mark told her with a smile.

"It's been five months. Since we had sex. I didn't realize it had been that long until I sat and thought about it. Five months. And we used to be just about every night. And- I'm- I guess he's just not interested in me anymore." Meredith blurted out. Strangely enough, telling Mark did make her feel better.

"Oh. Wow. Not bad wow. Just... I'm surprised. But he loves you, Mer. He just has a lot on his plate. The job. And now you guys have Liam. But he loves you. After he gets used to things... You guys will be fine." Mark said reassuringly.

"I- Yeah. I hope so." Meredith muttered as she looked down at the patient.

This morning she was on tope of the world. And now she was back to living in a mess. She had thought they were getting better. And then reality set it. This was how it was. It was just another tiny bandaid covering a huge wound.

------------

Meredith looked down the hallway. Derek was leaned against the nurses station, reading a chart intently. He always furrowed his brow when he was either confused or irritated. She had to talk to him. Even if it wasn't the best time, she had to say something. She couldn't take keeping it all to herself.

"Hey." Meredith said softly as she walked up and kissed Derek on the cheek. "How did the surgery go?"

"I lost the patient. It was fifty fifty. But it doesn't make it any easier." Derek said as he kissed her back.

"I'm so sorry... I know how it feels." Meredith said as she rubbed his hand.

"How was yours?" Derek asked as he looked over.

"It was great. Mark is amazing. This guy is going to be so happy when the bandages come off." Meredith said with a smile.

"Mark always was amazing. You know, when we were young, all he did was walk around looking at faces. Every girl he dated... Shoot, every girl I dated, he was pointing out their imperfections. He was a born plastics god." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Yeah. It's... I don't know. It's an option." Meredith stated frankly.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "You are considering plastics?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely not counting it out." Meredith told him with a nod.

"I thought you wanted to go into neuro." Derek said, somewhat hurt.

"I'm really not sure what I want." Meredith said frankly.

"Oh. I just assumed that you would do neuro. I thought I would be your teacher." Derek said sadly.

"It's not off the table. I just want to keep my options open." Meredith told him. "Don't be hurt, Derek."

"I'm not." Derek said quickly. "It's no big deal."

They both stood there quietly. It was a big deal. He was hurt. He thought for sure that he would be her teacher. He thought they would share a love for the brain. and instead she wanted to become shallow and do plastics. He frowned as he stood there. It was her choice. H had no right to judge.

"What's wrong, Mer?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"It's been five months, Derek. We haven't had sex in five months. And that's not normal. Not for us. I mean, we used to have sex daily and now- You like sex. You like it a lot. Is it me? Is it from Liam? I tried to get my body back in shape for you. I just want you to be happy. So if it's me, just tell me. I don't want you to be unhappy." Meredith said sadly.

"Oh, Mer... It hasn't been five months. No way." Derek said as he shook his head.

"You became chief when Liam was six moths old. And the last time we had sex he was three months old. It's been five months." Meredith explained.

"Oh my god... It has. I've just been so busy." Derek said with a sigh. "Oh Mer... It's not you. I'm so sorry, baby. You are gorgeous. And sexy. And it's not you. We- We need some sex."

"We do." Meredith agreed with a smile. Meredith looked down at her beeping pager. "Shit... It's the pit. I have to go."

"Okay. See you later." Derek said as he kissed her.

Derek watched her jog away. He felt so bad. He hadn't realized it had been that long. He knew it had been away. But five moths was unheard of. He was definitely going to have to do something about that. He did not want her to feel like something was wrong. With him. Or herself.


	5. Disappointment

Derek walked down the hallway towards his office. He had just performed three back to back surgeries. He was tired. It had been another sleepless night with Liam. He stayed up with his crying son. He was trying to make it work. He was trying to be a better father. He wanted to be. He wanted to be the model husband. The model father. And he never realized how hard it could be.

"Hello, Sylvie. Any messages?" Derek asked as he looked up at his secretary's desk.

"Um... Dr. Schmidt looked over the scans you sent him. He wants you to call him. And Dr. Grey stopped by. She told me to remind you that you have dinner with Dr. Sloan and his wife. She said to not let you forget, no matter what." Sylvie explained as she looked up.

"Shit... Yeah. Okay." Derek responded with a moan. "Well, I'll be in my office if you need me."

As Derek sat down, he ran his fingers through his hair. Meredith had been telling him over and over that they were going out with Mark and Addison. It slipped his mind. He had been so swamped with work, it completely left his head. He shuffled through papers, trying to figure out what he could put off. He was going to have to do cartwheels to make it through this. He glanced up when he heard a knock on the door.

Derek's smile grew when he looked up at her. She was so beautiful. The perfect woman. The one. The perfect one for him. And he was treating her badly. He wasn't taking care of her like he promised he would. It was as if he forgot about the treasure he had all to himself.

"She gave me the message." Derek said with a smile as he looked up at Meredith.

"Good." Meredith said with a nod. "We need this. We need to go out." She told him with a smile.

"I know we do." Derek agreed. "What time again?" Derek asked as he flipped through his calendar.

"Seven." She responded quickly as she thought.

"Good. Yep, I can do it. I may have to meet you there. But I will be there." Derek told her softly.

"Okay. Thank you, Derek. This means a lot." She said as she opened the door and walked out.

Derek sighed. She shouldn't have to thank him because he was taking her to dinner. It was a sad day when she was happy over that. They used to have so much magic. He thought about she and John. And himself. At one point, he was sure he would never have her. And now he did. And what was he doing? He was screwing it up.

Meredith was hoping this would work out. She needed it to. She needed a dinner with her husband. A dinner where they acted like normal human beings. Like people who lived normal life. Instead of the swamped over-worked doctors that they truly were. Izzie was taking Liam. She said she would take him for the night. But Meredith had never had a night without him. And she didn't think she could do that. Not yet.

"So you and McDreamy are having dinner tonight?" Cristina asked as she looked up.

"It would appear that way." Meredith said with a nod.

"So you are still on for tonight, right?" Izzie asked as she walked up.

"Yep. I just talked to Derek. We are definitely going to dinner. So I will need you to watch him." Meredith told her. "But I am thinking you should do it at our house. Unless you would be uncomfortable. I just think Liam would be better for you if he was somewhere familiar." Meredith explained as she flipped a chart shut.

"That's fine. Whatever makes him happy." Izzie said with a smile. "Are you coming home?"

"Of course I am coming home. Why wouldn't I be?" Meredith asked.

"I thought maybe you and Derek would stay at a hotel for the night." Izzie said with a shrug.

"Oh. I doubt that. Besides, I can't leave my Leelee." She said with a giggle.

"You really need to stop calling him that. It is pathetic." Cristina said as she shook her head. "When he's a surgeon, how is going to get any respect with you calling him Leelee? You are raising a nurse."

"Well, if he choses to be a surgeon, he will be so good we could call him princess and it won't make a difference." Meredith snapped. "Besides, he comes from a long line of surgeons. He is bred to be good. You... Your mom is a interior designer. And what's your dad? Oh yeah, and oral surgeon. That's real... Special." Meredith said as she walked away.

"What the hell is wrong with her?" Cristina asked as she looked at Izzie.

"I think she just gave you a taste of your own medicine." Izzie said with a laugh before she left Cristina standing there like and idiot.

------------------

Meredith stood in front of the mirror. She was dressed in Derek's favorite black dress. It was the one that he found irresistible. She threw her hair up in a loose up-do and put on some light make-up. She looked good. She wanted to look good for him. She wanted to give him a reason to go home. She wanted to give him a reason to love her again.

"How does mommy look, Leelee?" Meredith asked as she looked over at him. "Do you think daddy will be happy to see mommy?" She asked as she picked him up and pulled him close. "Mommy loves you so much. Leelee, I didn't have you, I don't know what I would do..."

It was true. She doesn't know what would have happened. During the long nights, she talked to him. On her days off, they did things together. It was just them. He made her happy to wake up in the morning. And at night, she felt complete when she would watch him sleep. He was her little miracle.

Meredith carried Liam down the stairs and looked around. She needed to clean the house. But she was so tired. She was too tired to worry about the little things. The dust bunnies were beginning to collect under the furniture. She needed to vacuum. The house wasn't dirty, but it could definitely use some love. But so could she. As she glanced up, she saw Izzie standing at the door.

"Hey." Meredith said softly as she opened the door.

"Hello. Hello Liam. How are you tonight?" Izzie asked as she stuck her arms out and grabbed him.

"Thanks again, Iz. I really needed this." Meredith said with a sigh as she handed her son over.

"No problem, Mer. I need my quality Leelee time." Izzie said as she blew raspberries on his stomach. "You look beautiful, Mer."

"Thanks." Meredith said with a soft smile. "I just- Derek and I need a night out."

"Derek will love it. You guys need a break." Izzie pointed out. "Are you okay?" She asked as she tipped her head and looked at her.

"I'm really worried, Iz." Meredith admitted. "I feel it slipping. Everything I have is falling."

"Mer... It will be okay. Derek loves you. You guys will be okay." Izzie said softly as she looked at her.

"I hope so. I really hope so." Meredith said with a frown. "But I have my Leelee, don't I?" She asked as she kissed him on the cheek. Liam looked up as Meredith walked away and started to cry. "Oh, honey. You're okay." Meredith said as she rushed over and grabbed him.

"He is so spoiled." Izzie said with a smile. "It's almost ridiculous."

"I know. Would it be wrong for me to take him with me?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Yeah, I think so. Besides you need some grown up time. Mommy needs grown up time, doesn't she?" Izzie asked as she looked at him. "He'll be okay when you leave."

"I hate leaving him. It makes me sick. Every time I walk away from him, I feel like I'm abandoning him." Meredith said as she started to tear up.

"Oh, Mer." Izzie said as she hugged her softly.

"I should go. I need to go. It's seven. I'm already late." Meredith said as she kissed Liam. "Mommy will be back. I promise." Meredith told him as she handed him over and grabbed her purse.

Meredith could hear him wailing as she walked out of the house. It broke her heart. She knew that just turning around and staying would make him happy. She was hurting him. He was feeling like his life was over because his mommy was leaving. As she drove down the driveway, she had to tell herself over and over that she had to go.

Meredith frowned as she pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. He wasn't there. His car was no where in the lot. She wanted to call him. But at the same time, she didn't. She shouldn't have to. He knew. It was written on the calendar. Silvie had most likely told him a dozen times. She wanted to cry. The one thing she asked him to do, and he didn't.

Meredith spotted Mark and Addison in the corner of the restaurant. There was another man and woman sitting at the table. Meredith recognized him from the hospital. He was from oncology. He, Derek and Mark would occasionally have drinks at Joe's. Of course, she couldn't remember his name. She she walked up to the table she began to feel smaller and more foolish. Where was her date. She was the third wheel.

"Mer!" Addison said with a big smile as Meredith walked up. "Meredith, this is Craig and Ally. Craig and Ally, this is Meredith. Derek's wife. Craig is-"

"Oncology." Meredith said quickly as she looked at the blond man in front of her.

"Impressive." Craig said with a smile. "And you are a first year surgical resident."

"Yes I am." Meredith said with a smile as she sat down. "Nice to meet you, Ally."

"You too." Ally said with a smile as she looked at Meredith.

"Where's Derek?" Mark asked as Meredith sat down.

"Where is Derek always at?" Meredith asked as she glanced at her menu.

"Is he coming?" Addison asked as she looked across the table.

"I'm not sure. He's supposed to." Meredith said, trying to avoid the whole conversation.

"Where does your husband work?" Ally asked as she looked up at Meredith.

"Seattle Grace." Meredith muttered as she looked up.

"He's the chief of surgery." Craig explained. "That means he's in charge of all of the surgeons." He explained.

"Oh... Wow." She replied.

She was an idiot. She was far too young for Craig. Craig appeared to be in his mid-thirties. He was good looking. Intelligent. And she was a little dumb and far too pretty for her own good. But she seemed sweet. Meredith glanced sideways at her as she looked at her menu. How she wished she was young again. Maybe then her husband would come home at night.

"So what is good here?" Craig asked as he looked up from his menu and around the table.

"Everything." Addison said with a smile. "What do you like, Mer? You and Derek used to come here all of the time."

"Oh... The steaks are really good. But I haven't been here in a long time." She said with a sigh as she looked around.

"You guys practically lived here." Addison said with a giggle.

"Only because Meredith can't cook." Mark pointed out with a chuckle.

"I'm learning. I cook everyday. Well, almost everyday." She said with a smile.

"And Derek is still alive? That is pretty amazing." Mark teased as he looked across the table at her.

"So you aren't a cook?" Craig asked as he looked over at her.

"Uh... Not really." Meredith admitted with a frown. "Definitely not one of my strengths."

"She can't say that. She pulled off an amazing dinner when she and Derek announced their engagement." Addison pointed out.

"It was a miracle. It really was." Meredith told them with a nod. "I don't know how it was edible."

"Don't feel bad, I can't cook either." Ally said with a giggle. "I burn everything. Craig and I eat out all of the time."

"I just feel bad for Liam." Mark said with a smile. "Poor guy doesn't know that the Firecracker can't cook."

"Firecracker?" Ally and Craig asked as they looked up at Mark.

"That's what Mark calls Mer." Addison explained as she looked at them.

"Are you? A firecracker?" Craig asked with a chuckle as he looked up.

"Uh... No. Maybe once I was. Now I'm just a dud." Meredith said with a sigh.

The waitress came and took everyone's orders. Meredith was feeling sick. He didn't show. She wanted to call him. But she wouldn't. She wouldn't waste her time. He left her there, looking and feeling like a complete fool. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run right out f the restaurant and cry. But she was stuck. She had to stay. She had to do this.

"I need to go to the ladies room." Meredith said with a smile as she stood up and walked away.

It was all a waste. Dressing up. Putting makeup on. Trying to impress him. It was a waste. She had no one to impress. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She willed them to go away. She couldn't cry. She couldn't go back out there and face them with tear stains on her cheeks. She sighed as she pulled out her phone. He was forty minutes late. She had to check on Liam.

"Hello?" Izzie asked as she answered their phone.

"Hey Iz... How is my guy?" Meredith asked softly.

"He's good. We played, and now he is sleeping." Izzie explained.

"Did you give him a bottle? Did he cry? Was he fussy? Did he eat? Did he burp? You didn't forget to change him, did you?" Meredith asked as she closed her eyes.

She shouldn't have left him. He needed her. He needed his mom. She never left him. She was the only one that he had. The guilt was overwhelming. She just wanted to go home and spend time with him. She looked up as Addison walked in.

"It's fine, Mer. I have him. He's okay, I promise." Izzie said happily.

"Okay... I will be home in a bit. Thanks, Iz." Meredith said softly as she shut her phone.

"Is everything okay?" Addison asked softly.

"Yeah... Fine." Meredith said as she closed her eyes.

"He'll be here." Addison said with a smile.

"No he won't. He just doesn't care anymore." Meredith said as she opened the door and walked out.

The dinner was quiet. No one talked as they ate their meals. They all felt bad for her. She was alone. They didn't want to say anything, but at the same time they didn't want to not say anything. It was all awkward. Meredith could feel it as she ate her chicken. She just wished she had never come. She looked at her plate as she ate. She just wanted it gone so she could leave.

"Well, I really should get going." Meredith said with a smile. "Liam is waiting."

"Are you sure?" Addison asked as she looked up.

"Uh huh. But I had a good time. It was nice meeting you both." Meredith said with a faint smile.

"You too." Craig and Ally answered.

"Thanks for coming, Mer." Addison said with a smile.

"Have a good night, Firecracker." Mark said with a smile.

"Thanks." Meredith said as she walked away and grabbed her coat.

"That was horrible." Addison said frankly. "I am so pissed at him."

"I can't believe he didn't show up." Mark said with disappointment.

"I don't know what he is doing anymore." Addison said sadly. "I'm sorry, you guys."

"It's fine. I had a good time." Craig said with a smile. "I just felt sorry for her."

"Is her husband really that busy?" Ally asked as she looked at them.

"He is. But he is also having issues with figuring out his priorities." Addison said with a sigh. "It's not right..."

Meredith let the tears fall hard as she walked out the door. Her heart was broken. He promised he would be there. He promised he would show up. And he didn't. He broke his promise. So sobbed as she walked down the sidewalk. She glanced up as she heard running footsteps get nearer.

"Mer!" Derek shouted as he neared. "You're done already?"

"Yeah." Meredith muttered as she continued to walk.

"Shit... I hurried- I didn't- I almost made it." Derek said quickly.

"You know what, Derek? Almost doesn't count." She said as she walked to her car. "I'm going home."

"Mer!" Derek said loudly. "I'm sorry..." He muttered as she drove away.


	6. Anger

Betrayed and hurt. That was how she felt. Tears poured down her cheeks as she sobbed loudly. As she drove home, she was crushed. The rain pounded on her windshield with force as the windshield wipers tried to keep up. It was reminiscent of her life. Trying to keep up. Struggling to survive. It was a daily battle, holding on to something that was slipping so fast away from her. She thought she had happiness. That perfect ride into the sunset was hers. And now it wasn't.

She was hurting. How could he do this to her? All she wanted was for him to show up. One night. One night out of how many? And he couldn't even do that. He almost made it. She didn't even understand how he could say that. There was no almost. Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. And at this point, she was feeling like holding a hand grenade and pulling the pin would be a wonderful end.

She didn't look in her rearview mirror. Not because she was afraid he was following her. It was the fear that he wasn't following her. That would be the perfect end to the night. For him to go back to the hospital would be the big kick in the face that she did not need. She drove somewhat erratically as she rushed home. She needed Liam. In times like this, she needed him. He held her together when she was falling so hard and so fast.

Meredith hit the garage door button and quickly pulled her Jeep inside. The tears were still falling as she sat there. She didn't want to go into that house crying. She didn't want Izzie to see how bad it really was. They knew Derek spent time at the hospital, but Meredith bent over backwards to try and sugar coat it when she wasn't too mad at him to care. As she went to climb out of the Jeep, Derek's garage door opened and he pulled his Land Rover inside. She didn't even look up as he put it in park.

"Meredith. Mer!" Derek shouted as he rushed around the car. She didn't acknowledge him as she walked away. "Damn-it, Meredith, look at me." He spat as he grabbed her arm.

"I can't!" She yelled as she looked at the floor.

"Meredith..." He repeated softly.

"I can't look at you Derek!" She said loudly. "Because I can't see it. I can't look into your eyes and see that the man I once knew is gone. He left without leaving a trace of himself." She cried as she glanced up at him.

"Honey, I'm sorry. I had to get-" He started as he continued to hold her arms.

"I don't want to hear it. I don't care what you had to do, Derek. I asked you for a night. Once night. Do you know what it was like to sit there with them? They had someone. i had no one. It was awkward and uncomfortable. The had no idea what to say. What do you say? I looked pathetic. I asked you for one fucking night!" She said as she sobbed.

"I know you did. But I had to get this done. The board is breathing down my neck and I had to do it." Derek said loudly.

"You don't have to do anything, Derek!" She yelled. "That is your problem. You don't have to do it. You choose to." She said again louder.

"It's my fucking job, Meredith. What do you think pays the bills?" Derek spat as he glared at her.

How could he say that? They had no financial problems. John left her with enough money to live more than comfortably for the rest of her life. She would never have to work again. And Derek was pulling in at least three million a year. There was no problem there. And that was not an excuse.

"Oh my God. I can't believe you said that. We don't- You just don't see it. It's taken you over. It's fine. It's over. I can do without you. I can. It was so hard at first, but I'm learning. I'm used to the disappointment." She said as she cried softly.

"Meredith... I didn't mean it that way. I can barely keep up. I want to be here, but I have responsibilities." Derek explained.

"I know you do. Your job... It's your dream. I've given up. I'm tired, Derek. I'm tired of bending over backwards to get you to look at me. I'm tired of calling you over and over trying to get you to come home. I'm just tired. Don't worry about it anymore. I can handle it. I have been. You don't worry about me. You don't have to be there for me. But your son... He needs you. And I won't take it, Derek. I won't. He's just a baby, but he knows his daddy is missing. When you hold him, it's not even natural. He barely knows who you are. You don't have to be here for me, but you will be for him. You come home. You will come home every night. He goes to bed at eight. And you will be here to kiss him. I don't care if you have to go back to the hospital and work twenty-four hours. You will be here for him. You owe him that." Meredith spat as she ripped her hands away and walked off.

Meredith walked into the house seeing a stunned Izzie. Liam was already in bed. But Izzie had been sitting there with the baby monitor waiting for them to return home. She heard it all. And it was hard not to. They were screaming. And Meredith was crying. Meredith's bloodshot red eyes looked up at Izzie's.

"Do you still think we'll be okay?" She cried out as she rushed up the stairs.

Derek walked into the house feeling like a fool. He dropped his head as he pushed the door shut gently. He raised his head up and looked at Izzie, who was still standing there in shock.

"Thanks, Izzie. For watching Liam. We really appreciate it." Derek told her softly as he sorted through the mail on the countertop.

"No problem." Izzie said quietly as she grabbed her purse and coat. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye." Derek answered as he looked up from the mail.

As Izzie drove down the driveway, she felt sick. Her friend was hurting. And she had no idea how to fix it. She didn't know what was going to happen. She hated to see it. If Meredith and Derek couldn't make it, then how could anyone else?

Derek walked heavily up the stairs. He understood why she was upset. But at the same time, she wasn't seeing the whole picture. She didn't care that he was killing himself just trying to make it all work. He was killing himself trying to be the best Chief of Surgery that Seattle Grace ever had. As he walked into their room, Meredith was standing there peeling her dress off. She didn't even look at him as she continued, knowing he was there staring a hole into her.

"Meredith..." Derek said softly as he walked up and touched her arm.

"Don't touch me! Right now- Just leave me alone." She said as she ripped her arm away and threw her dress on a chair.

She was wearing her good underwear. The ones that she wore just for him. she had made herself up, just for him. She wanted to look perfect, just for him. And once again he didn't notice. He didn't take the time to realize what he was doing to them.

"Meredith... You are being unreasonable." Derek said loudly. "I am trying. Maybe you don't see it. But I am." He spat as he glared at her.

"You are not trying. Right now, you are worrying about you. Just Derek. That's not you. You aren't like that. You've become an asshole, Derek and if I'd known that-" She started nastily and stopped herself.

"What? If you'd know that, what, Meredith?" He growled as he grabbed her arm.

"If I'd known that, I wouldn't have wasted my time." She yelled as she looked at him. "This- You- I don't know what it is. But this is not what I expected. I never thought this would be my life."

"So you're not happy?" Derek snapped as if she were a spoiled child.

"Are you fucking kidding me? No I am not happy! Are you fucking brain dead you son of a bitch?" She yelled as she pushed him away.

"Oh and you are fucking perfect!" Derek yelled. "So perfect. You don't even notice me." Derek yelled louder.

"If you were around maybe I would." Meredith shouted as she walked away.

"Don't walk away while I'm talking to you." Derek spat as he followed her.

"Okay dad. Just one little thing, I've become deaf. Deaf to your lies and your fucking excuses." She screamed as she turned around and smacked him.

"I tried. You can't say I didn't try. I did. I would come home dead on my ass just to see you. And what did I come home to? My wife covered in spit up and too busy to even care that I was there. I love Liam, god knows I do. But you make it so difficult to even spend time with you." Derek told her loudly. "My sexy wife turned into a slovenly mom-"

"You asshole!" She screamed as she pounded on him. "Don't you dare turn this around and throw it one your son! He has done nothing wrong. It's not his fault that we brought him into the world. It's not his fault his parents don't love each other anymore. I love him more than anything. He is my priority. Him. Not you. You aren't even on my list anymore. And If I ever hear you say something like that again-" She started as she took a deep breath. "I will make you wish you were never born." Meredith looked at the bedroom door, hearing Liam cry from the loud noise. "You leave and you make my life hell. And you are here and all you do is hurt us." Meredith said as she began to cry. "He shouldn't be hearing this."

"Again, my fault." Derek yelled as he followed her. The veins in his neck were bulging. His voice was rough. His fisted clenched. "When are you going to take some of the blame?" He asked loudly as he stalked after her.

"When I do something wrong." She spat as she walked into the nursery and slammed the door in his face.

"Fuck!" He yelled as he punched the door with his fist.

Derek stood there. It had gone to far. He didn't mean for them to yell and let it get to that point. He knew none of this was her fault. He knew that it was he who was working too many hours. But he couldn't stop. Everyone thought he wouldn't make it as chief. His dad always said he didn't have the nerve to take on the whole surgical floor. And he was doing. Even if it killed him.

Meredith leaned back against the door and let the tears fall. She didn't want this. Liam was not going to grow up in a home where all his parents did was fight. He didn't deserve that. She drew in a deep breath and walked to the crib. Liam looked up at her like his world was ending. Her heart ached, knowing that he could feel her pain. She picked him up and sat down in the chair.

"I am so sorry, buddy." Meredith said as she kissed him. "Mama didn't mean to yell."

Meredith cradled him against her body. He was her son. Her priority. Derek was her priority. He was the love of her life. And he still was. But it didn't mean that she wasn't starting to hate him for hurting her. It didn't mean that she wasn't putout by his constant disappointments. Liam calmed down against his mothers chest. As he fell asleep, she laid him back in his crib.

Meredith trudged down the hallway. She didn't want to go back in there. But she wasn't going to let him win. She drew in a deep breath as she opened the door and walked in. She didn't see him. Her feet carried her to the bathroom. She had to change her clothes and get ready for another long day. They seemed to fade into each other anymore. As she walked in she heard the loud water of the shower. She didn't speak as she pulled on her pajamas and looked in the mirror. As she washed off her make up she heard the shower go off and the glass door open.

Derek walked up next to her with his towel around his waist. He looked at her in the mirror as she glanced up at his reflection. Meredith pulled out her toothbrush and began brushing. She couldn't look at him. She just couldn't. Her eyes fell to the sink as she brushed around each tooth. Derek pulled out his tooth brush and did the same. It was a race. A race to see who could get done the slowest. Finally she spat out her toothpaste. Like she didn't lose all the time anyhow.

"Meredith..." Derek said softly as he looked over at her.

"I can't." She said as she shook her head and looked down.

"Mer... I love you. I do love you. And you saying that Liam's parents don't love each other anymore... I love you." He told her as he tipped her head up.

They looked into each other's eyes. It was hurt on both ends. Neither knew what to say. There comes a point when you have to throw in the towel and say that's it. It's over. But Meredith and Derek didn't do that. They were fighters. They didn't give up.

"I love you. Don't you hear me?" Derek asked as he tipped his head to the side.

"I hear you." She said as she shook her head slightly and nodded.

"Do you love me?" He asked with concern. "Don't you love me anymore?"

There was a pause. She did not answer. She just looked into his eyes. Derek felt sick. She hesitated. Maybe it was over. Maybe like so many, they had fallen out of love. Or she had fallen out of love with him. Something he never thought would happen.

"Meredith... Do you love me?" He asked with concern as he furrowed his brow.

"I do." She said as a tear slid down her cheek. "That's what makes this so hard." She said as she bit her lip and walked away.

"I'll try harder." Derek told her quickly.

"I know you will. But that's not enough. Your almost isn't enough fro me. Or you son." She said without looking back.

That hurt. Derek stood there and watched she walked away. He never meant to hurt her. But is seemed like every time they talked about fixing it, it was too late. She didn't want to. She would just throw her hands up and walk away. She didn't want to discuss it. She just wanted to let it roll over. It was a pressure cooker. The top was ready to blow off and she would let out a little steam. They weren't fixing anything. Just putting it off.

Meredith felt him lay down in the bed beside her. She was at a loss as to what to do. She was so tired of masking her feelings and pretending everything was fine. Addison suggested she go on an antidepressant. Addison noticed the change in her. She, like many other saw the missing light from Meredith's eyes. She suggested that it was postpartum depression. It wasn't. It was losing it all. It was being close to the edge. It was wondering what exactly life was going to be in a few years. Meredith needed to feel her emotions. Masking them wouldn't help anyone.

Derek laid down in the bed next to Meredith. She was quiet. Not asleep, But not admitting that she was awake. Derek gently stroked her back. He wanted her to know that he was there. He wanted her to know that he still cared. He rolled over and kissed her head.

"I do love you Mer. I'm sorry I'm such a bad husband. But I do love you." He told her as he kissed her again and closed his eyes. There they slept on opposite side of their oversized bed. Together and apart.

Meredith laid there in the bed, listening to him as he drifted off to sleep. She rolled over and looked at him. She never believe this could happen. She had heard people talk about it, but never thought it was real. She hated him. In this moment, she loved him more that life, but at the same time hated him to the depths of her soul. He was hurting her over and over. He didn't realize that he was beating her down a little everyday.

As she laid there, the strong need for tequila nipped at her. Her addiction to the burning liquid was calling her. It could mask it all. She had been so close to the edge before, and Derek pulled her back He saved her from herself. As she laid there, wanting to fall back into that trap, she knew she couldn't. She owed it to Liam. She was his advocate. She had to save herself. Even if it was screaming for her, promising happiness. Or at the least what she so desperately needed. To feel numb.


	7. Getting Better

Derek was keeping up with his responsibilities. He was coming home every night. He wasn't always staying home, but he was there almost every night to put Liam to bed. They had reached a plateau. They weren't really talking about their problems. It was more just casual conversation than anything else. They didn't talk about the fight. Or their relationship. It was all just buried. Like everything else they were feeling.

"Are you hungry?" Meredith asked as Derek walked in the door.

"I don't know if I have time. The board wants the files in their office by morning." Derek said with a sigh as he walked over, kissing his wife and his son.

"Fuck the board. You have to eat, Derek. Do they want a dead chief?" She asked with a frown.

"Mer... You know how it goes." Derek told her with a sigh.

"I know." She said with a defeated sigh. "Well, I have to give Leelee a bath." She told him frankly.

Derek looked at Meredith. She looked defeated. Just a little bending and he could make her happy. She needed it. He could see the worry lines on her face. She looked so broken. But she was still standing. Derek drew in a deep breath. He could do this. Even if it did set him back.

"I'll give him a bath. Can you heat up some dinner for me please?" Derek asked with a faint smile.

"I could do that." Meredith told him with a pleased smile. "Don't make the water too hot. And use the lavender shampoo. It soothes him."

"It soothes him because it smells like his mom." Derek said as he picked him up. "I can handle this, Mer." He told her with a smile as he walked away. "Who's daddy's big man?" She heard him saying as they disappeared.

Meredith felt somewhat satisfied. Derek was spending quality time with his son. He needed to. He needed to know all the things that she did. He needed to know about his son. Like how he had a special whimper when he was hungry. And how he made the look that Derek did when he was angry. She was sure that he was already starting to get the head cock down. Meredith began warming the spaghetti and walked upstairs to check on their progress.

Meredith slowly crept down the hallway. She could hear Derek talking softly. She snuck around and stood beside the door. She wanted to hear what he was saying. A smile crossed her face as she listened.

"Daddy loves you, Leelee. I wish I was better at this. But you have a good mommy. And that is very important. She loves you more than anything in the world. When you were in her belly she used to talk to you all the time. Do you remember that? She worried so much about you. And I have never seen her happier than the first time she held you in her arms. You are a lucky guy. So am I." Derek admitted as he rinsed Liam off.

Meredith felt the tears begin to prick her eyes as she listened. That was her Derek. That was the guy she remembered. That was the man she fell in love with. If she could just have him back, her life would be pure bliss. She wiped her tear as she walked into the bathroom.

"Hey." Meredith said as she walked in.

"Hey." Derek said with a smile as he lifted Liam up and wrapped him in a towel. Liam looked at Meredith and began to fuss and whimper.

"Daddy has you. You're okay." Meredith told him as she rubbed his head. "Mommy will help. Will that make you feel better? Unless daddy wants to."

"Daddy and mommy will do it together." Derek said with a smile as he grabbed some lotion, squeezing it in his hand and hers.

They began rubbing Liam's baby soft skin with the lavender lotion. Derek's hand rubbed over Meredith's and they both looked up at each other. Derek looked into Meredith's eyes and leaned forward. Meredith closed her eyes and leaned in as Derek licked her bottom lip and slowly pressed his lips against hers. He heard her moan softly as his tongue slid into her mouth and rubbed against hers so gently. Meredith's fingers ran through his hair as she held him against her. They both pulled away as they heard Liam began to giggle.

"Is daddy kissing mommy?" Derek asked with a chuckle as he blew a raspberry on his belly. "Is that funny?"

"Your dinner is ready." Meredith said with a smile as she pulled out Liam's onesie and dressed him. "Go eat. I have him."

"Okay." Derek said as he kissed them both on the head.

Meredith walked into Liam's nursery and sat down in the rocking chair. Liam eagerly began nursing. Their eyes connected as she looked down at him. She had a good feeling. Everything felt at ease. Relief came, with Derek spending much needed time with his son. She heard him walk in and looked up.

"Hey..." Derek said as he walked in and rubbed his son's head. "Dinner was great. Thank you." He told her as he rubbed her head. "I really do need to get back."

"I know you do." She said with a nod. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Mer." He said with a smile. "I love you." He said as he leaned in and kissed her. He quickly pecked Liam's head and smiled. 'I will see you later. Get some sleep. You have surgery with Hahn is the morning."

"Bye." Meredith said as she rocked the chair gently.

It was times like that when she had no doubt that they would be okay. Meredith closed her eyes and smiled. She had a happy, healthy son. She had a husband who loved her. She had a beautiful house and a good job. She felt so lucky.

------------------

Meredith dropped Liam off at the daycare center. It was her daily dose of torture. She hated it more than anything. It was really a problem when she was on-call. Her frown went away as she walked to the locker room. She smiled softly as she walked in and looked at her friends.

"You look happy." Izzie said with a smile.

"Eh." Meredith said with a shrug as she dug in her locker and pulled out a pair of scrubs. "I have a valve replacement with Hahn."

"You're a bitch." Cristina spat as she glared at her.

"I'm on her rotation." Meredith muttered with a shrug. "What do you want me to do?"

"So... Did Derek come home last night?" Izzie asked softly as she looked at Meredith.

"Why does it matter?" Meredith asked quickly. She drew in a deep breath and looked up. "I'm sorry. Yeah, he did." Meredith told her.

"That's good. I mean, I'm glad things are easier on you." Izzie told her happily.

"For now, anyway." Meredith replied with a smile as she tied her shoes and walked out.

"Jennison, Crane, Martin and Hess... Let's go." Meredith said quickly.

"Dr. Grey. Is there any chance that I can get in on the valve replacement with you?" Jason Crane asked with a smile.

"What did you bring me?" Meredith asked with a raised brow.

"This mocha latte." He said and he reached his hand out.

"That could work." Meredith said with a nod.

"Wait... You take bribes?" Adam Martin asked in shock.

"Occasionally I do." Meredith said with a nod as they walked down the hall. "Jennison, you are with Addison Sloan, Martin, you are with Dr. Torres. And Hess you are with Dr. Bailey."

"Eh." Katie Jennison whine as she looked up.

"If I wanted to hear you complain, I would let you know. Get out of here." Meredith shouted as she waved her hands. She looked down at her pager as it went off. "Shit." Meredith muttered as she looked up.

"Is everything okay?" Jason asked quickly.

"No. I need to- Go find Hahn and prep our patient, okay?" Meredith said as she rushed to the daycare center.

She felt sick as she jogged along. It wasn't 911. But Karen rarely called her unless something was wrong. She hated this. There were times when she wished she was a stay at home mom. She wished she could just be there for him all day, everyday. As she run up to the door she could hear him crying.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked as she rushed over and grabbed him out of her arms.

"He's cutting a tooth." Karen said simply.

"He was fine this morning." Meredith growled as she looked up.

"I'm sorry... I didn't know what to do." Karen said with a frown.

"It's okay. I'm glad you paged me." Meredith said quickly. "I'm going to take him for a walk."

Meredith walked down the hall, carrying Liam. She hated the daycare center. She hated being in there. Liam liked being at home. She was considering finding a nanny for him, but she liked being able to see him wherever she wanted. Meredith paused at each picture on the wall and let Liam look at it. He clung to her tightly as she walked towards Derek's office.

"Dr. Shepherd..." Jason Crane asked as he walked up.

"Yes?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Hahn pushed her surgery up. You need to be in the operating room now." Jason said quickly.

"Crap." Meredith muttered as she looked at her son. "He is not cooperating."

"I see that." Jason said with a smile as he looked at the baby.

"Okay. I will be there." Meredith said with a nod.

"What about him?" Jason asked quickly.

"Here." Meredith said with a smile as she handed the baby and his bag to him. "Go to the gallery."

"Seriously?" Jason asked in shock.

"Seriously." Meredith told him. "And you take good care of him." She warned as she walked up.

Liam watched his mom and started to wail loudly. Meredith's heart broke as she heard him. She had to go. She couldn't wait any longer. Jason looked down at the crying baby and bounced him gently. He had no idea what to do with a baby.

"Well... I guess it's just you and I... And I don't even know your name." Jason said with a frown.

Meredith rushed into the scrub room. Dr. Hahn was standing in there scrubbing her fingernails. She glared at Meredith as she rushed in. Meredith could feel the cold air that Dr. Hahn was letting out. She quickly began washing her hands.

"Nice of you to show up." Dr. Hahn said with a frown.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Hahn. I had an issue." Meredith said quickly. "It won't happen again."

"Where is your intern?" She snapped as she looked over.

"I had to put him on something else. Do you need him?" Meredith asked quickly.

"No. You will do." She told her frankly.

Meredith followed her in. Dr. Hahn was a cold woman. Much like her mother. She was harsh. She was hardcore. Meredith wasn't fond of her. She had the utmost respect for her, but that didn't change the fact that she was a very cold woman that didn't seem to care about anyone else or anything.

Meredith glanced up in the gallery. Liam was screaming his head off. She could see his bright red face. It broke her heart. She should be up there with him. She shouldn't be leaving him with an intern. Jason looked to be completely frazzled as he tried to soothe Liam in every way he could think of.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Dr. Hahn said as she looked at Meredith. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh... No." Meredith lied as she looked at her. Meredith glanced back up at the gallery. She waited. And she watched. She felt so bad. She couldn't take the guilt she was feeling. Finally she heard Jason asking for help over the intercom.

"He won't stop!" Jason cried out as he looked down.

"Crap." Meredith muttered. One of the scrub nurses rushed over and pushed the button, nodding at Meredith. "It's okay, Leelee. You're okay." Meredith said loudly.

"Nice. Now I have to listen to baby talk in my OR." Dr. Hahn said as she rolled her eyes.

"Can you page the chief to the gallery?" Meredith asked the nurse as she looked at her. The nurse nodded and smiled.

"The chief?" Jason said with concern and worry. Now he was going to be the intern that couldn't handle the chief's baby.

Meredith stood there. She would nonchalantly glance up at the gallery and see if Derek had showed up. Jason was still up there with Liam in a panic. Liam was in consolable as he screamed. Jason tried pointing his mom out down in the OR, but he couldn't tell who she was with the scrub mask over her face.

If Derek didn't show up, he was going to wish he were dead. Meredith clenched her jaw as she continued to watch her son suffer. She was going to cut his balls of. She was going to cu them off and make sure he suffered a horrible death. No, not death. She would nails his balls to the wall in the lobby. Maybe bronze them with a nice plaque stating what and why there were there. Just as Meredith started ti tell Dr. Hahn that she had to go, she saw Derek walk in.

Derek's heart broke as he looked at his son. He was so desperate. He was screaming as if he was dying. And the intern was in a panic trying to do any and everything to get him to stop. Lima stopped crying and furrowed his brow when he saw his dad.

"What are you doing to my son?" Derek joked as he walked up.

"Nothing, Sir! I was trying- And he wouldn't stop. I-" Jason explained quickly.

"I was joking." Derek explained with a smile. "Give me this big guy." He said as he put his hands out. "How is my LP? Why are you crying? You're okay." He said as he held him against himself.

"Wow..." Jason said with a sigh. "That was bad."

"He is usually a good baby. Aren't you?" Derek asked as he looked down at him. "Is your toff bothering you?" Derek asked as he stuck his finger into his mouth and rubbed gently.

Derek looked down at Meredith. She looked much more relaxed, with him there. He knew how strong the connection was between mother and son. He was feeling better about being around more. Meredith had no idea how hard it was on him. She had no idea how hard he worked.

"You can go. Find something to do." Derek said as he waved him away. "How would you like to go to daddy's office?" Derek asked as he looked down at his son. "Why don't we do that. Maybe daddy will get some work done."

Meredith hurried out of the scrub room. It should have been a quick procedure. But it wasn't. Problem after problem had her going forever. And then she got pulled into and emergency surgery with Hahn. She had the interns checking on Liam and everyone came back saying that he was fine. But how did they know?

She loved Derek. She trusted him. But he wasn't around. He didn't know his son. And he was so busy. He forgot to take care of himself. How could he make sure that Liam ate and that his diaper was changed? It was horrible that she was even thinking that way. But she was. She was doubting him.

Meredith's heart soared as she looked into the glass windows of his office. Liam was smiling away as Derek talked to him. He looked so happy and content. Meredith felt guilty even thinking they way she had been. She walked up to the door and went in. Derek looked up at her happily when she walked up.

"There is mommy." Derek said as he pointed to Meredith. Liam turned his head and his eyes lit up.

"There's my big guy! I have been looking for you forever!" Meredith said happily as she walked up to him and swooped him up. "What have you been doing? Have you been spending time with daddy?"

"He has." Derek said with a smile as he looked down at the stack of paperwork before him.

"When was the last time he ate?" Meredith asked quickly.

"He probably needs to be fed." Derek said as he glanced up.

"Probably? Derek!" Meredith said with disappointment apparent in her voice. "You would starve without mom." Meredith told Liam as she looked at him.

Derek frowned. She was right. He had been busy. He was taking care of Liam and he was paying attention. But when LIam fell asleep, he didn't pay attention to anything else. He didn't pay attention to time or when the last time he had fed him his bottle was. He was oblivious when he was sitting behind that desk.

At least Liam had a good mom. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. He should have two good parents. He should have a dad that knows about him. A dad who know when he eats. And knows when he naps. He should have a good dad. But he didn't. As he watched Liam nurse, as sad as it was, he did have a good mom. Even if that was it.

-------------

Meredith walked into Derek's office. He had the blinds drawn. He was hunched over his desk with the tiny desk lamp shining brightly. Liam was sleeping quietly by his side. She walked over and picked him up.

"Oh god..." Meredith moaned as she collapsed on the sofa.

"Are you on call?" Derek asked as she laid flat on her back with Liam on her chest.

"Yes. And my son will only sleep with me here and I can't leave him in the nursery that isn't even open." Meredith said as she rubbed Liam's sleeping head. "Why did I do this?" She muttered to herself.

"What?" Derek asked as he looked up from his desk.

"Nothing." She said as she closed her eyes.

Why? That was what she was thinking. Why did she do it? She loved her son more than anything. She would lie down and die for him. But why did she do it? Why did she think she could be a surgical resident and raise a baby. Why did she put him in this position where he was stuck. Where his dad was always away and his mom was dying of exhaustion. Why did she do it? Because she thought she'd have help.

She could feel the tears pricking her eyes. She wouldn't cry. She couldn't. She rubbed her son gently as she tried to keep herself from breaking. Maybe it was the exhaustion. Maybe it was all the stress. But it was building. And she couldn't break.

"Get up." Derek said quickly.

"Hmm?" Meredith asked as he eyes flashed open and the tears she was holding in poured out.

"Get up." Derek said as he gently lifted their son off of her chest.

"Why?" Meredith asked as she groggily.

"This is a pull out bed. You need to sleep in a bed." Derek told her as he opened it up. "No one knows. I had it delivered a few weeks ago."

"Oh..." Meredith moaned happily.

"Meredith... Why are you crying?" Derek asked as cocked his head to the side.

"I- Tired, I guess." She lied as she laid down on the bed. "Can you hand me our son?"

"Of course." Derek said softly as he laid the baby down with her.

Derek frowned as he looked down at her. What had he done? She was run down. She was exhausted. She was crying. He quickly walked over to the desk and flipped off the light. Meredith could feel the bed sink as Derek laid behind her. His arms wrapped around her as he closed his eyes.

"So this is what I have to do to sleep with my husband?" Meredith asked softly. "Because if this is what I have to do, Liam and I will move in."

"I think that would be frowned upon." Derek said as he kissed her neck.

"Yeah." Meredith said as she let the silent tears fall. "Yeah it would..."


	8. No Right

Meredith stood in front of the mirror in her bra and panties. She didn't look too bad. She and Liam had been doing daily jogs around the property. She would place him in the stroller and run. And when she had someone around, she would have them watch him. It was her new release. And she needed it. She needed to do something to get Derek to look at her again. And she was trying. Things were firming up and she was looking better than she ever had.

Meredith pulled on a comfortable pair of her old jeans. Her old jeans fit her like a glove. Her skinny jeans. The newer ones were too big. She grabbed out a nice long sleeved tee shirt and pulled it over her head. Too bad Derek wasn't around. Liam looked up at her from the blanket she had placed on the floor. He giggled loudly before he took off across the floor as fast as he could.

"Where do you think you are going, monster?" Meredith asked with a giggle as she picked him up. "You can't do that. You're almost faster than mama." She told him as she walked him to the nursery. "And we need to get you changed. Aunt Addison and Uncle Mark are waiting for us."

Meredith put on a cute little onesie that Addison and Mark had gotten for him. He looked so cute as he looked up at her with a big smile. She placed her finger in his mouth, searching for any new teeth in his mouth. She smiled when she found none.

Meredith packed up a diaper bag and grabbed her own purse as she walked Liam to the Jeep. Derek wanted to get a van. She always told him no vans. But lately he had been pushing for it. He said it was too hard for her to wrestle Liam in and out of the car. But she was thinking he just wanted to taunt her. It wasn't happening. She wasn't going to drive a people mover.

Meredith drove down the long driveway. She looked back at her big lonely home. So empty. Even when people were in it, it seemed empty. And yet, she wouldn't give it up for anything. She drove up to the guard's shack. She used to live here. This used to be her home. She was shocked when it was the same guard that was there before.

"Dr. Thompson! Oh yes, Shepherd. It's Dr. Shepherd now. How have you been?" He asked with a smile.

"Good." She lied as she looked over at him. Liam started giggling and cooing loudly. "And so is Liam."

"You had a baby? Oh, that's wonderful!" He said as a car pulled up from behind and he buzzed the gate open. "It was nice to see you."

"You too." Meredith agreed as she drove through the gate and up the road.

Memories flooded back as she drove up to the house. She hadn't been here since the day she moved out. She almost felt sick. She never had an attachment to this house. But now it seemed she did. She had never much cared for it. But now she missed it. She missed everything that was her home. As she pulled in the driveway, she saw Craig and Ally's car already in the driveway. She needed a moment. A moment to relax.

"Okay, Leelee. We can do this." Meredith said quickly as she climbed out of the car. "Are you ready?" She asked as she pulled him out and walked to the door with her hands full.

"Mer!" Addison said with a smile as she opened the door.

"Here, let me help you..." Craig said as he grabbed the bags out of her hand.

When Meredith stepped into the house, a chill rushed over her body. Her stomach dropped as she looked around. It was eerily the same. She had left the furniture and it was all there, in it's place. She couldn't speak as she looked around.

"Are you okay?" Craig asked with his light accent as he looked up at her.

"Yeah... I just... Wow." Meredith muttered as she looked around.

"This was her house." Addison explained as they all walked into the kitchen.

"Really?" Ally asked in shock.

"Yeah." Meredith said as she stood there.

"Are you okay?" Addison asked softly.

"I am. I'm okay." She said with a fake smile as she lifted Liam up and held him.

"Let me see this big guy!" Mark said as he grabbed Liam from her arms. "How are you, Mer?"

"Good." Meredith said with a nod.

"Where's Derek?" Craig asked with a smile as he looked around.

"He's working." Meredith explained quickly.

"Oh." Craig said simply.

Liam quickly began whimpering as he looked around for Meredith. Mark's eyes got wide as he passed him to Addison. Addison talked to him and kissed him on the cheeks, but he continued to cry for his mom. He was spending too much time with Meredith. He was getting to attached. Too used to her. He was only happy in her arms.

"He wants mom." Addison said with a sigh as she handed him over.

"I think someone is spoiled." Craig said with a chuckle.

"It's sweet." Ally pointed out. "He's such a cute little guy."

"So what's for dinner?" Meredith asked as she walked over and took one of Addison's appetizers off of the tray and popped it in her mouth.

Meredith didn't even notice the vibrating cell phone in her purse. She didn't realize that Derek was sitting home, wondering where his son and wife were. They all talked and laughed as her phone collected calls. And the person on the other end continued to get more and more worried.

Derek sat on the sofa. He had called her over an over. No answer. He was getting worried. Maybe she was in a ditch somewhere. Maybe she was laying dead in an alley. All he could think about was the worst. She always answered. She always called him back.

"So you were married before Derek?" Ally asked with a smile as she looked across the dinner table at Meredith.

"I was." Meredith said as she swallowed her bite of chicken. "For six years."

"Divorce... That's sad." Ally said with a sigh. "I'm sorry."

"No. Not divorce. Um... John has passed on." Meredith croaked out as she looked down at her plate.

She was okay. She had been okay. She moved past this. She did it with Derek. And now she was back there. It was hurting again. Old emotions were coming back to haunt her. This house was making her feel uncomfortable. She missed it. She missed what it meant. And now Ally was talking about John. And that was too much.

"Um..." Meredith muttered as she stood from the table. "I need to go to the restroom."

Meredith stormed away. She shouldn't have to do that. She shouldn't have to hide away. She felt like a fool. There were all sitting out there think she was losing her mind. She was sure of it. Meredith sat on the closed seat of the toilet and placed her head in her hands. It shouldn't be this hard.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." Ally said meekly as she looked around.

"John was murdered by someone they knew. It's a very long story. An unbelievable story. It was tragic. And Mer was there in the operating room with him when he died. And it's just- This is all a lot for her." Addison explained as she looked at a sleeping Liam.

"Wow." Ally said with a frown. "I wish I hadn't said anything."

"She's okay. Things have just been rough. You didn't do anything wrong." Mark said quickly with a nod.

Meredith pulled herself together. She had managed not to cry. She held it together as she sat there and fell apart. She could do this. She was an old pro. But every emotion was there. All the memories and regrets were just below the surface.

"So... I had a kid come into the pit today. He tried to skateboard off of his roof and into the pool. The skateboard was lost and his manhood was met with the side of the above ground pool." Meredith explained as she sat down.

"Ohhhh!" They all said quickly as they winced.

"He was actually okay. Albeit walking a little sore." She pointed out. "I'm just glad I wasn't him."

"I'd imagine so." Craig said with a chuckle. "Was there and permanent damage?"

"He was swollen. The boys were looking a little black and blue, but he was okay." Meredith explained with a chuckle.

"The little boy that I have been working on, it looks like he went into remission." Craig said with a smile as he looked up.

"Oh, that's great!" Meredith said with a smile. "I don't know how you do it. Day in and day out. It has to be hard. Telling people that there may be no hope."

"There is always hope." Craig told her frankly. "Always. And you guys deal with tragedy all of the time."

"Yeah... I guess you are right." Meredith agreed with a nod.

They all laughed and joked as they ate their food. Meredith was feeling better. They were making her feel better by not talking about her problems. She had gotten to the point where masking them helped more than anything. She hated to feel awkward. She hated it more than anything. They all pushed their plates back and sat back in their chairs.

"What is that?" Mark asked as he told them all to be quiet. "Buzzing..." They all listened intently.

"Oh my god, it's my phone." Meredith said quickly as she rushed out and grabbed the phone, flipping it open. "Hello?"

"Mer! Oh god, you're okay!" Derek said quickly as she answered.

"Of course I'm okay." Meredith said with a chuckle. "I'm eating dinner at Addie's. With Craig and Ally."

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "I have been sitting here in a panic, wondering where you were. I was sick. And you are out having dinner. Having a good fucking time?" Derek shouted angrily.

"Derek, I-" She started in a panic.

"You can't answer your phone? What if something was wrong?" He asked quickly.

"I didn't know it was on vibrate. It was in my purse. I'm sorry." She explained quietly, realizing they could hear her.

"No. You don't get to be sorry. I thought you were dead. I thought something was wrong. I've been sitting here thinking the worst!" Derek yelled in frustration.

"I said I was sorry. What more do you want me to say?" Meredith asked as she crept out the back and through the sliding doors, going outside.

"You could have told me where you were going. You could have invited me along." Derek told her frankly. "You didn't even let me know."

"Why? Why would I waste my breath? You can never make it. I don't want the disappointment. If I don't ask you, you can't let me down." She yelled.

"Oh... You know I try." Derek told her. "And this isn't what this is about."

"Well... I don't want to talk about this. I'll be home later. Just go back to work." Meredith said quickly.

"No. I'm not- You just go when you please. That's my son you are dragging along with you. My son that I was worried about." Derek shouted.

"Well isn't that a fucking joke? Your son? You don't care! If you cared, you'd be around. I'm done wasting my time. I'm not even going to talk to you. Go back to the hospital." She said again loudly.

"No. Tonight I came home. I came home to see you. And you aren't here. I come home and you are off with Liam. No note. Nothing." Derek told her. "I wasted my time."

"You know what Derek? The world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you aren't even in the equation. Fuck you!" She screamed as she flipped her phone shut.

She felt the phone begin to vibrate in her hand. She wasn't answering it. She wasn't in the mood to argue with him. She shook her head and walked back into the house. Everyone scattered and pretended they were doing something. She looked over in shock, seeing Craig holding Liam.

"There's mommy." Craig told Liam as he pointed. "He was upset."

"Thanks." Meredith said as she grabbed him and sat down. "He's probably hungry." She said as she grabbed the throw from the arm of the sofa and covered him up. She gently lifted her shirt and allowed Liam to nurse. "Where is everyone?"

"Mark is on the phone and Addie and Ally are looking at shoes." Craig pointed out.

"Fun." Meredith said with a chuckle. "So Ally seems nice."

"Yeah. Yeah, she is." Craig said with a nod. He remained quiet for a second and then spoke. "I'm going to break up with her."

"What?" Meredith asked in shock. "Why? She's so great."

"She's not the one. She and I are nothing alike. I like her, but it will never work. Not long-term." Craig said with a nod. "Now I'm just trying to figure it out how."

"Oh." Meredith said with a nod.

"Any ideas? You're a woman... What hurts the least?" Craig asked with a smile.

"Well, I don't know. No one has ever broken up with me. I was with John my whole life. And then there was Derek. So... I guess just tell her. Explain to her. Just be honest. She'll be upset. Maybe she'll slash your tires and try to get you fired. But eventually she'll move on." Meredith said with a big laugh.

"Funny." Craig said with a chuckle. They both sat there silent. "So.. Is everything okay?" He asked, referring to Derek.

"It's fine. He's busy. We're fine." Meredith lied as she rubbed her son's head. "Just fine." Liam pulled away from her and Meredith pulled him out from under the blanket. "How is mama's big boy? Are you all fulled up?" She asked as she laid him against her and patted gently.

"He's a cute baby." Craig said with a smile.

"Yeah he is." Meredith agreed with a smile.

Everyone sat around for awhile and talked. Meredith was upset, but having her friends around softened the blow. She wanted to get Liam home and in his crib, but at the same time, she didn't want to go back to that lonely house. Ally and Craig quickly made their out of the house and headed home. Meredith placed Liam on the the sofa with pillows around him.

"Here, Addie... Let me help." Meredith said as she walked over and helped clean the kitchen.

"You don't have to, Mer. You can head home." Addie told her with a smile.

"I want to. You went through all the trouble. I want to help. It was a wonderful meal, by the way." Meredith told her with a smile.

"I'm just glad you could make it. We should do this more often. Maybe you and Liam could come over for dinner once a week. Mark and I are always alone. It would be nice." Addison pointed out.

"That would be great." Meredith agreed with a smile as she looked up.

Addison felt bad for her friend. It broke her heart to see her this way. She didn't hear all of their conversation, but she heard enough to get the gist of what it was about. And they all heard the grand finale. It was sad. Addison had no idea what to do. So she did the only thing she knew. She had to just be there for her friend.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Addison asked softly.

"I'm fine, why?" Meredith asked as she continued cleaning the kitchen.

"Mer... We heard. We heard...and I'm here. If you want to talk." Addison said softly.

Meredith couldn't take it. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She placed her hands on the counter and sobbed heavily. She felt Addison's arms wrap around her as she lost it. All the hurt. All the fear. Everything came to the top as the tears rolled down.

"He- He- He doesn't love me anymore. I- I can't take it. I'm alone. I'm all alone. I love Liam. And he's all I have. If I didn't have him- He's growing up without a dad. He's growing up like I did. I just want to be loved. I want Derek to look at me the way he used to. I want him to touch me. He doesn't want to. He doesn't see me anymore. We haven't made love in so long and I just feel all alone. I don't want me be alone, Addie. I don't want to be alone." She said as she sobbed in her arms.

"It's okay, honey. You aren't alone. Mark and I are here for you. You have us. You always have us." Addison said as she held her close.

Mark stood in the doorway and watched. This broke his heart. So see his firecracker like this broke him. To see her in his wife's arms looking like she had given up. It was too much. He could feel the anger growing in his heart. At this moment he wanted to kill Derek. Derek had no right anymore. He had no right to anything.

**This is going to be a rough week for updates... I am super busy. Sorry!**


	9. Letting Go

Addison did all she could to comfort her friend. And it helped. Not a lot, but it did feel good to know that someone was there. Mark and Addison were there they would hello her. But she didn't need them. She needed her husband. She needed the only person she ever completely trusted. And now he had turned into the person that let her down. He had turned into someone she was afraid to be around. Afraid because she couldn't stand the hurt.

Meredith drove down her long driveway. The lights were on. Derek was home. She waited at Addison and Mark's until the last possible minute. She tried to stave it off. She was hoping he had went back. But no, the lights were still on. Meredith pulled her car into the garage. She laid her head back. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to deal with him.

She grabbed her son and held him close. He was sleeping peacefully in her arms. And she would do anything to ensure that he stayed that way. Meredith walked into the house. Derek was sitting on the sofa with a glass of scotch in his hand. Meredith could see the scowl on his face as he sat there, looking up at her. She didn't say a word as she sat her purse down on the table and walked by him.

"Meredith." He said coldly without looking at her. She didn't answer him. "I'm talking to you."

"No Derek." Meredith said loudly as she walked up the stairs with Liam. "No you aren't."

Meredith could hear his drunken heavy footsteps coming up the stairway. She gently laid Liam down. She prepared herself for a war. A war of words. When she turned around, she saw him standing in the doorway. She pushed him aside and pulled the door shut.

"I won't talk to you when you are drunk." Meredith said loudly as she walked away.

"I'm not drunk." Derek told her as he followed her to their room.

"You need to sleep in the guest room. I don't want you in my bed." Meredith said coldly.

"It's my house. I'll sleep wherever I goddamn please." He said frankly.

"Your house? Last time I checked, it was ours! And you are never around. Why does it fucking matter? For god's sake, your life in the hospital. You have a bed in your fucking office. Go there. Go to your house." Meredith cried out as she turned away.

"I'm a surgeon! I have to do my job. When are you going to realize that I am doing the best I can!" Derek yelled loudly.

"I'm a fucking surgeon too! I work one hundred hours a week, and I still manage to raise a child. I am just as tired. And you don't care. I can't talk to you. Just go away." Meredith said as she shook her head and pulled her clothes off.

"Mer... I'm sorry I yelled." He said as he walked up and placed his hand on her arm. "I was worried." He said as he leaned in and kissed her neck.

"No. No... Get your hands off of me. You- Just get away." She said as she shoved him hard and rushed over to her closet. She pulled out a tee shirt and pajama pants and put them on.

"Everything is on your time." Derek growled as he looked at her.

"I am not even wasting my time on you. Goodnight, Derek." She said as she rushed over, not even bothering to go through her nightly ritual. She walked over and laid down in their bed.

"Meredith..." Derek muttered as he laid beside her. She didn't answer. And there was no point in trying to make her.

Derek laid beside her. He had no idea how they got to this point. He had no idea how to fix it. He couldn't seem to control himself. He was always on edge. He was on edge from the stress. For the exhaustion. It was constant pressure from the board. And it always seemed to come down on her. And he had no idea how to stop it. He had no idea how to stop himself.

----------------

Meredith laid in their bed. They were both awake. They were both laying there in silence. Pretending to sleep. Liam would be waking up soon. Liam would be calling her. She had twenty minutes before Liam would be begging her to come to him. He was too used to their early schedule. And she didn't want to move. She continued her slow steady breathing as she laid there.

Derek laid beside her. He knew she was awake. They had problems. There were issues. But she didn't want to talk about them He was secretly hoping she would forget. He was hoping their problems would just disappear. He heard Liam start to whimper and quickly jumped out of bed.

Meredith was surprised that he did it. She was shocked that he got out of bed to take care of their son. She laid there listening intently. She heard Liam's cries cease when Derek approached. That made her feel good. Derek was with there son, and that felt right. She frowned when Derek walked in with Liam.

"He won't take the bottle." Derek said with a frown.

"What do you mean he won't take the bottle?" Meredith asked as she looked at him. "Is it cold?"

"Mer, I know enough to warm it up. His diaper is clean. The bottle is warm. Not hot. Not cold. And he is refusing it." Derek told her as he climbed into the bed with the bottle and the baby.

"Leelee, you need to eat for daddy!" Meredith told him quickly.

Meredith watched Derek attempt to feed him. He was spot on. He didn't do anything any different than she would have. And yet, Liam was refusing. He twisted his head and cried out as Derek attempted over and over again. He sighed and looked over at Meredith.

"Do you want me to try?" Meredith asked as she put her arms out. "Leelee... What is wrong?" She asked as she held him and placed the bottle in his mouth. He quickly spit it out and cried. "Well this is new." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I have never seen this." Derek said as he rubbed his son's head.

"He has been fine with the bottle. I don't know what he is doing." Meredith told him with a frown as she kept trying.

"He wants to nurse." Derek said as he looked at her.

"He can't. What if I'm not around? He- This has never been a problem." Meredith said with a frown.

"He wants your boob, Mer." Derek told her with a shrug.

"Oh..." Meredith told him with a sigh. "You are a spoiled guy." Meredith muttered as she lifted her shirt and held him to her nipple. He greedily began nursing.

"Our son is a problem." Derek said as he rubbed his head.

"He is." Meredith agreed as she looked down.

"I'm sorry, Mer. Last night- I was an as- jerk. I know I have to no right to just come home and expect you to be here. But I was worried. You always tell me what's going on. And when I cam home and there was nothing... No note. I panicked. And then you didn't answer the phone. I was afraid, Mer. And when I found out you were fine, I was mad. I worried so much, and then you were fine. You were just having a good time. I was a jerk. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to be so harsh." Derek said as he leaned over and kissed her.

"I- It's okay." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I love you." Derek said as he grabbed her head softly and pulled her into a deeper kiss.

"I love you too." She said as she kissed him softly and pulled away.

"I will be home tonight, okay?" Derek said as he looked up at her.

"Der, please don't. Don't make me promises you can't keep. It just hurts me. I'd rather you told me the truth. I can handle that better than the disappointment." Meredith told him as she rubbed her son's head. "Leelee and I are okay. I have today off. We're going to do some stuff. And if you don't make it... We'll be okay."

"Look at me, Mer... I promise. I promise you I will be home tonight. Not before Liam goes to bed, but right after." Derek said as he looked into her eyes. She dropped them and he kissed her cheek. "I promise."

Meredith shook her head as she watched him walk into the bathroom. She couldn't take the disappointment. She couldn't take the chance that he wouldn't come home tonight. Liam released her nipple and looked up. Derek better not let her down. She burped Liam and held him close. He quickly drifted off to sleep and she laid him beside her. One more chance. She would give him this chance.

-----------------

Meredith spent the day getting ready. If he let her down, she was going to be devastated. She and Liam went to the store. They went to the park for their daily jog. And then they went to a boutique. Meredith hadn't bought herself anything new in a long time. Liam looked up at her from the stroller as she held up nighties and tried to figure out which one she liked the most. Tonight was the night. Tonight she and Derek were going to have sex.

She was nearly in tears. Addison agreed to take Liam. Liam was going away for the night. This was the first time he was going to be away from his mom. But they needed this. They needed one night without midnight feedings and crying baby. And Addison was the best candidate to take care of him for the first time. If anyone could handle it, she could.

Meredith carried Liam to the door as she heard the doorbell ring. She had been crying. She was crying most of the day while Liam was sleeping. Sending him away was breaking her heart. Addison looked up at her with a frown as Meredith opened the door.

"Oh, Mer..." Addison said with a frown as she looked at her.

"I know. I just-" She said as Addison grabbed him out of her hands. "I'm going to miss him. And he- He's never been away. I can't-" Meredith cried as she walked away and grabbed a tissue.

"He will be okay. You guys need this. Mer, you know I will take care of your baby. We're going to have fun, aren't we Liam man?" Addison asked as he kissed him on the cheeks. Liam twisted his head and looked for his mom.

"He's sad... I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I am leaving him." Meredith pointed out as the tears ran down her cheeks.

"You need this, Mer. You guys- You need this." Addison said with a nod.

She didn't tell Meredith how she really felt. She felt like Derek as an asshole. In fact, she and Mark had talked about it at length. Mark was more than fed up than she. Mark was irate. Addison convinced him to keep his mouth shut for Meredith's sake, but he didn't want to. He wanted to give Derek a piece of his mind. He wanted Derek to know what an asshole everyone thought he was. But they remained silent, for Meredith.

"I know we do, Addie... I know." Meredith agreed as she pulled Liam back out of her arms.

"How did it go last night? Was he here?" Addison asked quickly.

"Yeah... It was- It was bad. Really bad. But this morning it was okay. He's just tired. I can't blame him for being tired. And he was worried. So... Tonight- I just hope he comes home." Meredith said with a frown.

"Okay... So I will take this guy." Addison said, changing the subject as she went to grab Liam.

"Wait!" Meredith said quickly. "Leelee... You're going to go to Aunt Addison's for the night. You get to see uncle Mark. You guys are going to have such a good time. And mommy will be thinking about you the whole time. And if you get scared, mama will come get you right away. You will be okay. Be brave for mama, okay?" Meredith asked as she held back the tears and gave him a kiss.

"He will be okay, Mer." Addison said as she grabbed Liam and his bags.

"Call me." Meredith said quickly.

"He will be fine. You- You focus on you tonight, okay?" Addison asked with a smile.

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she shut the door.

It broke her heart to see Addison carrying her son away. But everyone said this was the right thing to do. She and Derek did needed time together. This was the right thing. Even if this was all breaking her heart. She could do this. She needed to.


	10. It's Over

Meredith sat on a stool in the kitchen. She had called Addie over an over again. It seemed okay. Liam seemed okay. But that didn't keep Meredith from worrying non-stop. She felt sick as she thought about her son somewhere else. She felt sick as she thought about how he was feeling. She wondered if he thought that he abandoned her.

Meredith placed the spaghetti on the table. Derek should be home soon. And yet the doubt she had was showing it's ugly head. She was seriously doubting that he was coming. She just didn't have faith in him anymore. She was so close to giving up on him it wasn't even funny. Just as she began to pick at her salad, she saw his blue headlights coming up the drive. She was in shock. She quickly wiped off her fork, pretending that she had never started without him. She quickly stood up in shock.

Her stomach knotted a little as she waited for the garage door to shut. She was afraid that this would all explode in her face. She was afraid that he would be in a sour mood from a long day at work. She started to wonder if she shouldn't have planned anything at all. She winced as the door opened and he walked in.

"Hey!" Meredith said quickly as she looked up at him.

"Hey." He returned with a smile as he walked in and pecked a kiss on her cheek.

He looked worn. He didn't look like her Derek. He didn't look like the fun-loving, caring guy she married. He looked like a worn down old man. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and it was more than apparent. It broke her heart to see him so exhausted.

"Looks great." Derek said with a smile as he sat across from her.

"Thanks." Meredith returned with a soft grin. "So how was your day?"

"Busy. I had a meeting with the board. They denied my request for the robotic arm." Derek said with a sigh.

"Oh... I'm sorry." Meredith returned sympathetically.

"I'm really not surprised. Seattle Grace just isn't there yet." Derek explained. "But I will keep trying." He said with a nod.

"That's good." Meredith returned.

In the back of her head, she wondered. Did trying mean more hours? Did trying mean that he couldn't come home to tuck his son in for bed? Did trying mean that there would be another five months before sex? She didn't like trying. She would never admit it, but she was hoping for failure. She was hoping he would give up.

As she sat there, she didn't know what to say to him. They needed their fire back. They needed that spark that had come so naturally to them when they met. Her eyes watched him as he ate his dinner. This just wasn't fair.

"Dinner was great." Derek said with a smile as they cleaned the table together.

"Thanks." Meredith replied with a sigh. "Why don't you go take a shower. I'll clean this up."

"Are you sure?" He asked as he looked up at her. "I can help."

"I'm sure." Meredith agreed. "You go relax. I'll be up in a bit." She furrowed her brow when she heard Derek yell.

"Where is Liam?" Derek asked in a panic as he rushed down.

"He stayed at Addison's." Meredith said with a smile.

"At Addison's? Why?" Derek questioned as he stood there.

"I thought we needed a night." Meredith explained. "I called her. He's okay. Go take you shower."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" Derek asked as he looked into her sad eyes.

"Yeah... Yeah, I guess." Meredith said softly as he walked away.

Meredith quickly went to work on the dishes. She wanted to get up to their room. She wanted to see him. She wanted to spend some much needed time with him. She quickly put away the clean dishes and flipped off the light. When she walked into their room she saw Derek in his pajama pants and a tee shirt, reading a book in their bed.

"I'm going to take a quick shower." Meredith explained quickly.

"Okay." Derek replied with a warm smile.

Meredith quickly showered. She had all these plans. As she climbed out and dried off, she looked at herself in the mirror. She wasn't sure how she was feeling about herself at the moment. She was losing her confidence around him. It was a confidence that she never thought she would lose. She smeared on her strawberry flavored oil and pulled in the satin nighty that she purchased earlier in the day. She slid on the tiny matching g-string and took in a breath.

Her face dropped as she looked at him. He was asleep in their bed. All her frustration boiled over as she looked at him. She groaned loudly and clenched her jaw. Nothing. Not a movement. Finally it came out.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Meredith yelled as she put her hands on her hips.

"Hmm... Oh." Derek moaned as he opened his eyes. "I fell asleep." He said as he tried to get his bearings.

"No shit." She said quickly. "We need sex. Period. We need sex." She said as she walked over to the bed.

"Oh... Honey." Derek muttered as he looked at her. "You look great."

That was not Derek. You look great. That was pathetic. That was the most uncreative word in the english language that he could have used. It was not even close to the truth. Sexy. Phenomenal. Breathtaking. Those were more suitable. Great. That was pathetic.

Meredith sighed as she climbed in the bed. She wanted more than to turn him on. She wanted to make him feel like they used to. But it didn't seem like it was there. There was a smile on his face. But it was faint. It was halfhearted. Meredith felt her heart sink as she threw her leg over him and straddled his lap.

"This isn't us." She moaned as she rocked her hips gently, attempting to turn him on.

"I'm sorry... I'm just so tired." Derek said with a frown as he ran his hands over her hips.

Derek looked at her. She was radiant. But he was so tired. He didn't have the energy to stand up. And now she wanted this. And if he wasn't so damn tired, he would want that too.

"I need you, Derek." She moaned as she ran her hands down his chest. "I need you so bad."

Derek was tired. Exhausted. He was near the point of passing out. He had worked hard all day, trying to get home for her. But now that he was home, he couldn't stay away. He looked into his eyes. Sex was not in his plan. His body was too tired to do it. He moaned when he realized his cock was not participating. This was not good.

"Oh...Derek..." Meredith moaned as she ground her mound into him. She laid her head back and let out a faint moan.

Meredith didn't get it. There was no rise. Derek was the man with the steel erection. He could get it up, anytime, anyplace. He had a never ending sex drive. They had been almost sex crazed for so long. And now it was a mess. And now there was noting. Tonight, he was placid. She worked harder. She kissed him deeply on the lips. She moaned. She cried out his name. Nothing. She felt the tears prick her eyes. She couldn't take it. She felt sick.

"You- You don't find me attractive anymore!" She cried out as she climbed off of him.

"Mer!" Derek said quickly.

"No! Just... No." She cried as she ran into the bathroom and shut the door.

Derek laid there in shock. Now this- This was really bad. This was catastrophic. This was not good. This was pure hell. Torture. He had just hurt her more than he had ever. He shot her self worth to hell. He shot her down. And he couldn't help her.

He felt nauseous. His body hadn't cooperated with him. His body didn't care that it was breaking his wife's heart. This was not where he thought they would be. He thought they would be living that happy, perfect life. And they weren't even close. He looked over as he heard the phone ring.

"Hello?" Derek asked as he answered the phone.

"Derek? It's Addison. I'm really sorry to both you. Is Mer there?" Addison asked in desperation. Derek could hear his screaming son in the background.

"Um... Is Liam okay?" Derek asked in a slight panic.

"He's- He's- I need to talk to Meredith. Please." Addison said quickly.

"Okay. I'll get her." Derek said softly as he climbed out of the bed. Derek could hear her crying as he walked up. It broke his heart into pieces. "Mer, honey?"

"Go away! I can't look at you. I can't do this right now." Meredith said with a cry.

"Mer... I'm sorry. I- Addie is on the phone. Something is wrong with Liam." Derek told her as he held the phone.

"What?" Meredith asked in a panic as she opened the door and ripped the phone from his hand.

"I-" Derek started before Meredith slammed the door shut on him.

"Addie... What's wrong?" Meredith asked quickly.

"He won't eat Mer. He will not take this bottle, period." Addison said quickly.

"Shit. He wouldn't take the bottle this morning. I don't know what its going on. I'm on my way." Meredith said quickly.

"I'm so sorry, Mer. I didn't want to call. I know you and Derek-" She started quickly.

"You weren't interrupting anything. Nothing at all." Meredith grumbled as she looked in the mirror. "I'm on my way."

Meredith didn't say as word as she walked out of the bathroom. She tossed the phone on the bed and walked into her closet. Derek stood there and looked at her as she pulled off the nighty. She looked amazing. A little too thin for his liking, but still amazing. She didn't acknowledge him as he stood against the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked as she pulled on a pair of jeans. She ignored him as she pulled a sweater over her head. "Meredith... Where are you going?" He asked again.

"To get Liam." She muttered as she pushed by him and walked out.

"I'll drive." Derek said as he followed behind her.

"I'd really rather you don't go." She told him as she grabbed her purse.

"I will drive." He said as he pulled the keys out of her hand and slid shoes on.

"Fine." She growled as she looked up at him. "Fine." She seethed again.

They both climbed into the car silently. Meredith did not want to talk to him. She wanted to toss him out of the car and watch him roll in the rearview mirror. That was the closest thing she could think of to pure joy. To see him suffer, would make her all the happier.

"I'm sorry, Mer." Derek muttered as he looked over. She pulled her hand away as he tried to grab it.

"I can't do this, Derek. I have no idea what to do. But this- I cannot. We're done." She muttered.

"What do you mean we're done?" Derek asked in shock.

"With that. I won't ever try. I can't take the pain. That part of us is over. I don't know how to fix any of it. I have no idea where to go. I'm not important anymore." She said frankly.

"Mer... You are so important to me. I don't want to do this. Quit talking that way." Derek said quickly.

"I want you to be a father. That's all. You and I- I love you. But I am do tired of being disappointed. If you aren't attracted to me, I can deal with that. I went without sex for six years. I just want you to take care of Liam. He is your son. You need to put him first. There isn't enough time for both of us. So put your energy towards him." Meredith said with a frown.

Derek pulled up to the gated community and rolled down the window. After a quick conversation, the gates were opened and he pulled Meredith's Jeep through and began down the road.

"Meredith... Tonight was- I didn't want to do that." Derek said quickly.

"Oh! I see." She said as she turned her head away and began to cry.

"No. I wanted you. I didn't want to have that problem. My mind is just not connecting with my body." Derek pointed out.

"Of everyone, I never thought it would be you. I never thought you wouldn't be able to get it up." Meredith said with a frown.

"Thanks. Thanks a lot. As if that is a problem I want to have." Derek said frankly. "Please don't do this, baby... Don't give up."

"You are making it so hard not to." Meredith muttered as he pulled into the driveway.

Derek didn't even get a chance to speak before Meredith was out of the car. She was running. She was literally running to the house. Derek was worried about his son, but at the same time, he was worried about his wife. He didn't like the way she was talking. She acted like it was over. And they couldn't be over. They were Meredith and Derek.

Meredith ran up the sidewalk in a panic. She was worried about her son. She only got more antsy as she neared the door. She wondered just how long it had been since he had eaten last. As she approached the door, it opened.

"Oh my god..." Meredith said with a frown as a crying Liam looked up at her. "Oh, Leelee, mama is so sorry. I will never do that to you again." Meredith said quickly as she kissed him on the head.

"He has to be starving." Addison pointed out.

"I need to nurse him." Meredith said with a nod as she walked over to the sofa.

Derek approached the door. He was forgotten. It was abandoned. No one to let him in. It was like he didn't matter. He ran his fingers through his messy hair and opened the door. It felt cold. Like he wasn't welcome. Like he didn't belong.

Meredith rushed to the sofa with Liam. Her mind wasn't thinking about anything but her son. She quickly lifted her shirt and he greedily took hold. He was being rough. Her heart was breaking, just looking at him. Not only did she abandon him, but she starved him too. She stroked his head and let a tear fall as she looked into his eyes.

"Hey Derek." Addison muttered as she glanced up, seeing him there.

"Hey, Addie." He said with a faint smile.

"Mark." Derek muttered as he looked over, seeing Mark come from upstairs.

"Hey, Mer..." Mark said, completely ignoring Derek's existence.

Derek clenched his jaw. They were friends. And now all of the sudden, out of nowhere, he was treating him like shit. He wasn't going to take it. There was no reason for it. He wasn't playing these games. He quickly followed Mark into the kitchen.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Derek asked as he looked up at him.

"I'm not even wasting my time on you." Mark muttered as he poured himself a glass of water.

"What? Where the hell did that come from?" He asked in shock.

"It's bullshit, Derek. This crap you are pulling. It's wrong. And I'm tired of watching it. I want nothing to do with you. You hurt her over and over again. And who has to pick up the pieces? Addie and I. And there shouldn't be pieces to pick up. You're a fucking asshole. And I am done with you." Mark said with fire in his eyes.

"Fuck you, Mark. This is none of your goddamn business." Derek said as he got up in Mark's face.

"No, Derek. It is. That's your problem, you stupid fucker. Are you blind? You don't deserve her. She mopes and pines. Why, I will never know. You do not deserve that woman. You don't. I hope she leaves your ass and takes the kid." Mark said with a smirk. "Maybe she will."

"You asshole. You- Why would you care? Do you want her? Don't think I don't see you look at her. I know your game, Mark. You can't- Meredith is mine. She is my wife." Derek spat loudly.

"Get out!" Mark said quickly. "Get out of my house. You are not welcome here. Get your ass out." Mark yelled as he got in his face.

"Fine." Derek growled as they were not to nose.

"I'll be in the car." Derek yelled to Meredith as he walked out the door.

"What happened?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Mark.

"Apparently Derek doesn't like to hear the truth." Mark said with a shrug.

"Mark! I told you not to say anything! Thanks." Addison said loudly.

"No... This is- Mer you deserve better. You're young and beautiful. You deserve better. He- You just deserve better, okay. And you shouldn't wait forever. Not for him." Mark told her as he walked away, shaking his head.

"Mer..." Addison said as Meredith pulled Liam away from her.

"No... I should go." Meredith said with a nod.

"He's not mad at you. He's just-" Addison tried to explain.

"It's fine, Addie. It's okay." Meredith muttered as she walked outside with Liam and his things.


	11. No One Around

Meredith didn't say a word as she opened up the back door of the deep and gently placed Liam in. Juggling a diaper bag and a carrier was no small task. Derek was in too much of a rage to even realize she was there. And he was definitely too out of it to get out and help her. She didn't say anything as she kissed her son and climbed in the back seat with him. She couldn't leave him. She was already feeling guilty enough.

"Derek... You can go." Meredith told him after waiting in silence for a few minutes.

"Oh." Derek muttered as he looked up, not realizing she was ready.

Meredith had no idea what was said. She heard the raised voices. She heard Mark getting angrier and angrier. And then she witnessed Derek leaving abruptly. It was just one more thing. As if she wasn't already upset with her husband.. And now it was more than apparent that her friends had pretty much written him off. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"What are you doing back there?" Derek asked as he looked in the rearview mirror.

"I left him. I never should have left him. I don't know why I did. It was far from worth it. And now he'll probably never trust me again." Meredith said sadly.

"Mer... It's not like that. He won't remember that this even happened. You tried it and it didn't work." Derek pointed out with a sigh.

"Well, I am never trying it again. Not until he's thirty. When he's thirty he can have sleepovers." Meredith muttered as she rubbed his head.

Meredith was scaring herself. Now she was becoming _that_ person. Without Derek, she had no one else to turn to. Hers and Cristina's relationship was taking a sour turn after the exit of Burke. Meredith was slowly beginning to realize that her person really wasn't her person. She was more worried about herself than anyone else, and that was not a desirable quality. So it was she and Liam. She was going to be _that_ mom. The one that can't let go.

"Mark is an ass." Derek finally spat as he looked back at her.

"Don't use that word." Meredith warned as she looked at Liam.

"Who the hell does he think he is... None of this is his business. Maybe he needs to worry about himself for once." Derek grumbled. "Kicking me out of his house... Some friend... Glad to have him. Apparently a person isn't allowed to make a mistake around him. Don't step out of line, Mark Sloan will get you..." Derek growled as he gripped the steering wheel.

Well, at least now she knew, whatever Mark said ended in him kicking Derek out. As much of an ass as Derek had been, Meredith was hurt just thinking about it. Her friends didn't like her husband. They had been his friends first, and now thy had cast him off.

Meredith quickly changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. She looked down at Liam gave him his soft kisses as he slept. Derek crawled into the other side and gave her a puzzled look. He gave Liam a kiss and then looked up at her,

"Are you not taking him to his crib?" Derek asked quickly.

"No. He doesn't need to sleep alone. He had a horrible day. He is staying here tonight." Meredith told him frankly.

"He's a baby. Babies sleep in cribs. It's safer." Derek told her.

"There is no place safer than next to his mom. I wake up when he blinks. He and I, we're used to this." Meredith stated frankly. "Night." She muttered as she motioned for him to turn off the light.

"Night." Derek muttered with a nod as he flipped the light off and fell asleep.

--------------

Meredith heard the garage door open as she laid the their bed with her son. Derek was already leaving. It was four in the morning, and he was on his way to the hospital. She drew in a breath and climbed out of her bed. Liam would be waking soon, and she had to get ready. She couldn't risk him crawling or rolling off of the bed. So she picked him up and walked him to his nursery where she laid him down. The minute she pulled her hands off of him, his eyes opened.

"Mama has to get ready for work." Meredith told him softly as she turned and walked away.

His cries quickly filled the room as she exited. It was breaking her heart. He had to stay there. She couldn't take him in the bathroom with her. As she went to go into the bathroom, she stopped. She couldn't leave him like that. She quickly made her way back down the hallway and into his nursery. The minute he saw her face, he started giggling.

"Oh, you think that's funny, huh?" Meredith asked as she shook her head. "Let's make mama crazy. Let's mess with her head. That's funny... It's not. I need to get ready for work." She told him with a moan. "And you are probably hungry. You know, I think they are right. I think you are spoiled." Meredith whined as she lifted her son out of the crib and nursed him.

It wasn't going well. Liam was upset. Any time he thought Meredith was leaving him, he would sob. She couldn't take it. She hated to see him playing there with a broken heart. The whole time she was in the shower, she heard him. There was no way she could, but in her mind she could hear his little lungs screaming for her.

"Liam. You have got to stop this. Mama has to work today. If they call me, I will get in trouble. I don't need Bailey riding me. Now that she is chief resident she is even meaner than normal. Abuse of power. That's what it is. And then she will go to the chief of surgery. And that is your daddy. If she does that, we are really sunk. Because mama would rather change dressing all day than see daddy at this moment." She explained to her son with a frown. "So you are going to be on your best behavior, right?" She asked with a sigh.

Meredith dragged Liam, his diaper bag and her own bag through the hospital. This was going to be a bad day. She could tell she was going to suffer. As she stepped on the elevator, she heard a woman cough. Great, infect the child, she thought. The woman smiled and rubbed Liam's cheek.

"What are you doing?" Meredith snapped. "This is my baby. You just coughed all over this elevator, and now you are infecting my son. No... You don't do that. What the hell is wrong with you?" Meredith snapped as the doors opened. "Damn stupid people." She mumbled as she walked to the nursery.

Liam was bawling when she left. Not a surprise. This was becoming a big problem that she had to deal with all on her own. And the breast feeding. He was a hungry guy, and she couldn't make it to the nursery every time he needed to eat. Not if she was in surgery. She was ready to cry. It was all too much.

Meredith dragged her interns through rounds. They knew her well enough to not mess with her when she looked stressed And she was. She was over stressed. She was in a panic about her son. She was waiting for her pager to buzz, telling her he was upset. And then you add the fact the she was getting no sex, her husband didn't find her attractive anymore, and her friends hated him, and she was in a tight bind full of stress. As she walked into the room, she saw the woman from the elevator was in the room. The patient's wife. It was confirmed. Bad day.

"Hello, Mr. Daniels." Meredith said softly. "How are you today, I am Dr. Shepherd."

"The woman from the elevator. The one that was rude to me." Louise, the man's wife spat.

"I'm sorry about that but-" Meredith started, before getting cut off.

"You should think before you talk, young lady. You had absolutely no reason to treat me that way!" Louise said quickly.

"Ma'am, with all due respect, you coughed on my child." Meredith said quickly.

"You are rude. And unpredictable. You are a resident, right?" Louise asked as he looked up.

"I am." Meredith said with a nod.

"I want a different resident. And the chief. Let me talk to the chief of surgery." She said quickly.

"Louise! Now stop that." Mr. Daniels said.

"No!" Louise said quickly.

"You heard the woman." Meredith told her interns.

"But the chief is-" Kate started as she looked up in shock.

"Who she wants to talk to. Not a problem. Kate, you go get the chief. I will get a resident." Meredith said with a smile. "Not a problem at all."

Meredith was going to get the last laugh. She was in the mood for a good fight. She saw Alex standing off to the side with his interns. He would be perfect. He could deal with the woman and her big mouth.

"Alex... The patient in 3434 wants a new resident. It's yours." Meredith said frankly.

"I don't have time." Alex said quickly.

"Well, I need you to do it. I can go ask Dr. Bailey." Meredith said with a smile.

"What did you do to piss him off?" Alex asked as he grabbed the chart.

"Nothing." Meredith said with a smile as she walked away.

Meredith went on with her rounds, ignoring the patient completely. Just as she was walking past Mr. Daniels room, she saw Derek wave her in. He had a frown on his face as he looked at her.

"What seems to be the problem, Chief?" Meredith asked as she walked in.

"Well, it seems you are rude to patient's families now?" Derek asked with a raised brow.

"Well yes, Derek, when they cough on your son and then proceed to grind their germs into his face, I tend to be a bit rude." Meredith said quickly.

"I see." Derek said as she looked at the woman.

"If you don't need me, I'll be going." Meredith told him with a smile as she walked out.

Meredith didn't have to hang around to see what Derek was going to say to the woman. She knew he would have a way to deal with her. At least he had that. It seemed he could deal with crazy patients and their families. She brushed it off as she went to her next case. That woman was the least of her worries.

---------------

Meredith walked through the hospital's hallways with her son. She had to pick him up. They couldn't quiet him down and he was upsetting the other kids. Now he was a menace to the other children. That was just what she needed. At least it was her lunch break and she could take him to the cafeteria without anyone giving her a hard time.

"Okay, son... You are really getting me in trouble here. You have got to be good for mama. Do you understand? You have to be a big guy. Stop whining like daddy. I know you want to hang out with me all day, but you can't. Mama needs her job." Meredith explained as she walked down the hall with his in his carrier.

"So you make lengthy conversations with your son now?" Dr. Craig Kovac asked as he walked beside her.

"Of course I do. He's just a little person." Meredith said frankly.

"Does he answer you?" Craig joked as they walked towards the cafeteria.

"No. And that is the best part. I get enough answers all of the time. Finally a man who can listen and keep his mouth shut." Meredith said with a giggle. "Although he is a bit too sensitive. And needy. So we don't have the perfect relationship." She said with a sigh.

"Well, I think there are guys out there who are all those things." Craig said with a chuckle.

"I know that... I had one." Meredith told him and quickly regretted saying it. Meredith walked in the cafeteria and looked up at the long line and back down at her son.

"What are you having for lunch?" Craig asked as he looked at her.

"Mmm... A roast beef sandwich, I think." Meredith said with a nod. "And some of that macaroni salad."

"You take him and sit down. I'll get your lunch." Craig said with a smile.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked as she looked at him in shock.

"Of course." Craig told her with a nod and smile.

Meredith quickly walked over to a table in the corner. It was just time for Liam to nurse, perfect timing. She nonchalantly lifted her shirt and covered him with a blanket as she looked around the cafeteria. She saw Alex sitting in the middle with a nurse, but she didn't see any of her other friends. Liam ate happily while she waited for her own lunch. Meredith was relieved, when Liam finished and she laid him in his carrier.

"Here you go." Craig said as he sat her food down.

"What do I owe you?" Meredith asked as she looked at him.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Craig said with a smile.

"Are you sure?" She asked as she unwrapped her sandwich.

"I'm sure." Craig told her with a nod as he took a bite of his own sandwich. "So, I broke up with Ally."

"Did you? How was she about it?" Meredith asked with a frown as she looked at him.

"She was actually okay about it. She was a little upset, but she did say she was glad that I didn't string her along forever." Craig pointed out. "I want to settle down. And she was just too young. I always feel that there is an age. And after you hit at least twenty-seven, then you are ready. Otherwise you still want to have a good time."

"I don't agree with that. I was ready to settle down when I was eighteen. It just depends on the person. It depends on their maturity. I don't think the number has anything to do with it. I know fifty year olds who won't commit. There is a person for everyone. Once you find them, nothing else matters." Meredith told him as she looked down at her son and then took a bite of her macaroni salad.

"You seem to have put a lot of thought into this." Craig said with a chuckle.

"No. Not really. I've just been lucky. I have met great guys. Nothing is ever set in stone. You never know what's to come. I live one day at a time. It's the only way." Meredith explained.

"I think you have a point there." Craig said with a chuckle.

"I've just learned not to count your chickens before they are hatched. It only leads to disappointment." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"You've seen a lot of sadness." Craig said with a frown.

"I have. But I've seen even more happiness. And that always outweighs the bad." Meredith told him with a smile. She looked at her pager when she heard one go off.

"It's me. I have to go. It was nice having lunch with you." He said with a smile as he got up and walked away. A real conversation. It was nice. A rarity these days.


	12. Falling

Derek was exhausted. It was already ten p.m. and he just wanted to go to bed. But at the same time, he didn't want to go home. For the first time in his life, he was starting purposely to avoid it. Meredith didn't do anything wrong, it was him. He was the one that was the problem. He felt disgusted when he walked in the door of their home. He knew that she was fed up with him. He knew that she was disappointed. And it was just too hard to look at her sad face.

No one seemed to understand what was going on. They didn't understand that he wanted to be home. He really did. But the pressure from the board, the questions from the other attendings and residents and his own surgeries took over. Everyday he had good intentions. And everyday, they were shot to hell.

Derek walked into the dimly-lit bar. It was actually quite empty. But then again, not everyone went into the bar on a Monday. He sauntered over to the long bar and perched on the stool in a slump. He sighed as he looked down the bar, seeing Craig at the other end. He knew the doctor fairly well. Somewhat often, he, Craig and Mark would get drinks together. They had turned into somewhat friends. And now that Mark was not speaking to him, he could use another friend.

"The usual?" Joe asked as he looked at Derek.

"Yep." Derek said with a sigh.

"Here you go." Joe said with a smile as he pushed the glass over to him.

"Thanks." Derek responded as he swirled the liquid in the glass.

"Hey there..." Craig said with a faint smile as he looked over.

"Hey..." Derek muttered as he glanced up.

"After today, I need this." Craig told him as he lifted his glass of bourbon up.

"No kidding." Derek agreed as he took a sip of his single malt scotch.

"I lost my patient today. A kid. I hate that. I fucking hate that shit." Craig told him frankly. "Just a kid..."

"Wow... I can't imagine." Derek answered with a frown, thinking of Liam. "I can't imagine. I don't even want to say it..."

"Yeah." Craig agreed. "He's a cute kid."

"He is." Derek told him with a nod and a smile.

Derek sat back, making casual conversation with Craig. He liked him. He seemed like a great guy. A good replacement for Mark. He was ready to replace Mark. He had never been so mad at his friend in his life. He thought that if anyone would understand what he was going through, it would be Mark. But apparently not. Apparently Mark was on a whole different level. The level of judgement.

Craig sat and watched Derek as he drank scotch after scotch. He knew of Derek, and he knew Derek well enough to know that he was not an alcoholic. But tonight, he was thinking otherwise. Tonight, Derek was definitely down. And the only thing Craig could think of was how stupid he was being. He had a perfect woman at home, and he was at the bar.

"Hey, man... Maybe you should take it easy." Joe said with a faint smile. "Do you want me to call you a cab?"

"I'm fine, Joe." Derek told him as he looked up.

"And now you sound like your wife." Joe said with a chuckle.

"Joe's right man, you have an amazing woman waiting for you at home. What the hell are you doing here?" Craig asked with a smile. "If it were me..."

"I don't need to know if it were you. My life, my family, my wife... That's none of your goddamn business." Derek snapped angrily. "I wish everyone would quit worrying about my wife."

"Okay, man. You're right. I overstepped... Sorry." Craig apologized. "But you've had too much to drink. You can't drive home. I'll take you."

"I can take a cab." Derek groaned as he looked up at Joe.

"The cab will be about forty-five minutes." Joe pointed out.

"It's just a ride, Derek. I can take you home." Craig said warmly.

"Fine. A ride." Derek agreed as he stumbled off of the stool. "Night, Joe..." He slurred as he threw down a hundred and walked out.

Derek spat out directions to Craig as they went along. They didn't speak. Derek was in an irritable mood and Craig didn't want to deal with it. He thought it best to not chastise him, even if he deserved it. Craig was impressed when he pulled down the long driveway and looked up at their house.

"Thanks." Derek muttered as he got out of the car and stumbled up to the door. Craig watched as Derek fumbled with keys, attempting to stick them in the lock. After several failed attempts, he finally walked over to a chair and sat down. His head went back, and he was out.

Craig couldn't believe it. He was passed out. He turned off his car and walked up to him. He didn't respond as he nudges and spoke to him softly. Craig walked up to the door and knocked lightly. When he didn't get an answer, he resorted to ringing the doorbell. He watched Meredith come down the stairs in a tee shirt and pajama pants.

"Hey..." She said in confusion as she opened the door. "What's going on?"

"I brought him home." Craig said as he pointed over to Derek.

"What's he doing- Oh my god, did he passed out?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Yeah. I convinced him to let me bring him home. He walked up here and passed out." Craig explained with a frown.

"Oh... Wow. He never does this. Was he okay?" She asked as she walked over and tried to get him up. "Come on, Der..."

"Here, let me help." Craig said as they each took a side and stood him up.

"I'm okay..." Derek slurred. "Hey baby... I think I could actually fuck you now. Successfully." He said with a smile. Meredith pursed her lips as she tried to hold the tears back.

"I just need to get him into bed." Meredith told him as they walked towards the stairs.

Meredith wanted to cry. As if she wanted everyone to know their problems. Like she wanted Craig to know that they hadn't and apparently couldn't have sex. It broke her heart that she said that. It felt like he was telling her that he couldn't fuck her. Like it was disgusting to him, and now that he was drunk, it was possible.

Craig felt horrible as he helped walk him up the stairs. He didn't realize that they had such problems. His heart broke for her. He could see the tears welling up in her sad eyes. He looked around the perfect house. Too bad the people in it weren't. He looked into their large bedroom as they walked across and laid Derek in the bed.

"Thanks." Meredith said with a broken smile as she looked up.

"Not a problem." Craig said with a nod. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Meredith told him softly.

"You don't look okay... If you need to talk." He told her quickly.

"I appreciate it. But really, I'm fine. Here, I'll show you out." She said as she started to walk away.

"No. You stay here. I got it. I'll lock the door on my way out. You have a good night." He told her with a smile.

"You too. Thanks again." Meredith told him as he walked out. "Oh, Der..." Meredith said as the tears fell. "Why?" She asked as she pulled his shoes off and kissed him on the head. She left his clothes on and covered him. "Why do I have to love you?" She asked as she flipped off the light and crawled in the bed next to him.

--------------------

Meredith stood in the kitchen. She hated cooking. She hated it so much that it made her sick, even thinking about having to do it. She shuffled through the refrigerator, seeing nothing good. She looked over at her son, he never had a choice. She made the choice. She pulled out a jar of peas for Liam and looked at the tempting pizza ad on the refrigerator door.

"It looks like pizza for me and smashed gross pea slop for you, big guy." Meredith told him as she grabbed a baby spoon and the phone.

Her mind travelled to everything that had been going on. She fed Liam like a robot as she stared off into space. Once again, Derek had stumbled back into his old trap. He wasn't coming home to feed his son. He wasn't coming home to be with her. He was coming home to sleep, but he usually did that before she even got up for the day. She barely knew him anymore. Meredith's mind drifted off to a conversation she had with Addison weeks ago.

_[iMeredith just finished a long day at the hospital. Apparently Derek did yell at the patient's wife. Not yell, he was diplomatic about it. And it ended up that she found Meredith in the middle of the day and apologized for everything. At least Derek did one thing right._

_"Hey..." Addison said with a smile as she walked into the locker room. She looked around before she sat down. This was perfect. No one else was around. She could talk._

_"So, Mr. Liam Patrick seems to be a lot of trouble lately..." Addison said with a smile as she looked at Liam in the carrier on the bench in the locker room. She sat down next to him and stroked his cheek. "Are you trouble? T-r-o-u-b-l-e... trouble?" She asked him, he giggled happily._

_"Yeah. I suppose he is." Meredith said with a frown. "I don't know what to do anymore."_

_"He's going through a stage. He is in that clingy stage. not to mention, you are the only one he ever sees. What do you expect, Mer?" Addison asked with a smile._

_"I guess you're right. It has been him and I for a long time." Meredith said with a sad nod as she pulled her jeans on._

_"How are you, Mer? How are things? Be honest." Addison said warmly as she looked at her._

_"Oh, Addie... I just don't know what to do anymore." Meredith said sadly. "I just... I love him so much. But I feel like it is slipping. Not slipping, it has slipped. I don't know how to get it back. And I don't think Derek wants to get it back." She told her with a frown. "I'm so lonely. And I know he sees it. But he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything anymore. I don't want to be alone. I was alone with John... I can't take it." Meredith said as she cried._

_"Oh, honey..." Addison said as she pulled her close and rubbed her back. "I- Never mind." She said softly._

_"What?" Meredith asked as she pulled away._

_"I just- I have known Derek forever. But I don't know him anymore. This job has changed him. And I don't know- He isn't the Derek we knew. You are young. You are young and this is not fair. You are doing it all on your own. You're exhausted, and lonely. And he- He won't- You are young, Mer. Maybe you shouldn't wait. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. And I don't want to see you in pain. You are too young to wait for a man that may never be there." Addison said frankly._

_"No! You can't- Who the hell do you think you are! Just... No. Don't talk to me." Meredith yelled as she picked up Liam. "You of all people... I can't believe. I don't need this. Not now." Meredith spat as she rushed out.[/i_

They still weren't talking. Meredith was just too angry. But everyday, the whole thing went through her head. And everyday, she was starting to see how much truth there was in her words. As she looked at her sleeping son, she took a bit of her pizza. It slipped. It slipped and it fell.


	13. Friends

Meredith groaned as she rolled over. Her body was achy. She couldn't breathe through her nose. She knew it was coming. Liam had been sniffling and sneezing for days. She looked over at the clock. She had to get up soon, and there was no way she would be able to work. There was no way she would be able to do anything today but lay in be.

Meredith grabbed the phone. She had to call Derek... No. She could call someone else. Chief resident. Bailey. She would call Miranda Bailey and let her know that she would not be there today. She wasn't in the mood for Derek. Not today.

Just as she hung up the phone, she heard the loud cries of the beast. And he was sounding like a beast today. She could tell just by listening to him that he was feeling just about as good as she was. She slowly crawled out of the bed and stumbled down the hallway to his room.

"Oh my..." Meredith muttered as she looked at him. He was red and warm. Definitely running a fever. His nose was plugged up and he was looking completely miserable. "Oh honey..." She spoke softly as she heard his broken wails. "You will be okay."

Meredith laid him on the table, changing his diaper. She pulled out the thermometer and quickly took his temperature as he moved around and fought her. It was just slightly over normal. She smiled softly, that was one less worry. She changed him into a clean onesie and carried him with her to her bedroom. They both laid in the bed completely miserable until they fell asleep.

Derek walked down to the nursery. He was feeling guilty that he hadn't seen his son. His face only dropped as he looked in, seeing no sign of Liam anywhere. He looked up at Cheryl and walked over.

"Where's my guy?" Derek asked softly.

"Well, Dr. Shepherd didn't bring him in today. He has been a little fussy. Maybe she has him with her?" Cheryl suggested with a smile.

"Yeah, maybe." Derek agreed as he walked off and took the elevator to the surgical floor. "Deb, can you page Dr. Shepherd for me?" He asked as he walked up.

"Oh... Dr. Shepherd called in sick today." Deb muttered as she kept working.

"Oh." Derek muttered before he walked off. "Sick?" He muttered to himself.

Derek walked into his office and shut the door. He couldn't believe that he didn't know she was sick. He should know these things. He sat down at the big mess that was his desk, and sighed. Derek picked up the phone and dialed his own home. A number he rarely called. It rang and rang before she finally answered. He could barely tell it was her.

"He- Hello." Meredith croaked out as she opened her eyes.

"Hey." Derek said softly. "You're sick."

"I am." Meredith told him as she closed her eyes. "I was sleeping."

"Oh. Is there anything I can get you?" Derek asked as he looked at the blinking light of the other line ringing.

"Like you could get away anyhow. I'm fine." She told him frankly.

"Okay..." Derek replied sadly. "I'll just- I hope you feel better. I love you."

"Bye, Derek." Meredith muttered sleepily into the phone.

Derek felt sick at her voice. She was really sick. And she never called to let him know. And if she was sick, Liam was surely sick right along with her. And she didn't say it. He told her he loved her. And her response was nothing. Bye. A knot formed in his stomach. Derek quickly stood from his desk. He had to go home. He had to take care of her.

"Sylvie... I have to go." Derek told her. "I will be out for the remainder of the day."

"Uh... Sir..." She said quickly.

"I have to go." He spat as he continued on. Derek was rushing down the hallway, when he saw Miranda Bailey speeding down the hallway towards him.

"Chief! I have a head trauma coming in the pit. This one looks bad!" She yelled.

"Fuck." Derek muttered. And this was how it always went.

-------------

Meredith awoke to the sound of the doorbell ringing. She contemplated on whether she should actually go down and get it, or whether she should will them away with her mind. A glance at the beside table revealed a half a box of used tissues and a clock reading one in the afternoon. She had been sleeping for hours. She heard the doorbell ring another time, and Liam began to stir.

"Crap." She muttered as she grabbed him and stumbled down the hall. She was so physically drained, she was afraid to walk him down the stairs with her.

Meredith placed Liam in the crib and grabbed the baby monitor, making her way down the stairs. As she glanced up, she saw a tall figure through the glass door. A sigh escaped from her as she opened the door and looked up.

"Craig... What are you doing here?" Meredith asked softly.

"Word around the hospital is that you are dying. I thought I would bring you some soup. Chicken noodle. I hope you like it." He told her as he held the bag up. "And some cough medicine."

"You didn't have to do that." Meredith said in shock. "You can come in, but I'm not responsible for any illness that you may incur from exposure." She told him with a giggle.

"Oh like I am not around it all day... Do you need something? Any help?" He asked as he looked around. "I have about two free hours."

"I'm doing okay..." Meredith said with a nod. "Dying... But okay."

"Well, here... Let me get you some of that soup. You look like you need it. Have you eaten yet today?" He asked with concern.

"I haven't gotten out of bed." Meredith said with a sigh. "And come to think of it I really need to pee." She said with wide eyes as she rushed off.

A smile covered Craig's face as he walked into the kitchen. He felt so bad for her. And any little thing he could do to help made him feel better. He knew that Meredith and Addison weren't talking. And addison had practically begged him to check up on Meredith. But he thought it would be nice to check on her anyhow. He knew that she didn't have anyone, and having a baby didn't make it any easier.

"Eh... I'm so sorry. I swear, giving birth really takes your bladder control away. And you probably don't want to hear that. And now I have made an uncomfortable situation and I will just shut up." She said with a sigh.

"You ramble. I never knew you rambled." He said with a chuckle.

"I do. A bad habit, I guess." She admitted as she sat down and spooned her soup. "Mmm... This is just what I needed. Thank you." Meredith replied with a smile.

"Not a problem. Anything I can do." He told her happily.

"I hate being sick. It screws everything up." Meredith whined as she looked up.

"I don't think anyone likes being sick." Craig said with a chuckle. "Especially when they don't have help..."

"Yeah." Meredith agreed with a sigh.

"Derek is swamped. He was pulled into three surgeries this morning." Craig said frankly. "The hospital is nuts. He's really busy."

"He's always really busy." Meredith muttered with a frown. "Always."

"I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is. With him having such responsibility." Craig told her with a frown.

"Yeah. He just- It's his job. It's demanding. I guess he can't help it." Meredith told him with a loud sigh.

"I'm sure it will all work out." Craig said, more out of necessity, rather than true belief.

"I-" Meredith started before he heard Liam crying loudly. "Oh, he's probably hungry."

"I'll get him." Craig offered with a smile.

"No, no... I can do it." Meredith said as she attempted to stand.

"Nonsense. Mer, you look like you can barely stand on your own. Stay here and eat your soup." Craig told her with a nod.

"If you- I mean- Okay." Meredith agreed with a sigh.

Meredith wouldn't let just anyone disappear into her upstairs and get her son. But Craig had been around. He, Addison, Mark and she had formed a good friendship. Besides the recent turmoil between she and Addison, they had gotten fairly close. She Trusted him. She listened, hearing his footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Leelee..." Meredith said with a bright smile as she put her arms out. "Are you a hungry little guy? I need to nurse him..." Meredith said softly as she looked up. "Can you-"

"Here." Craig said as he walked over and grabbed the throw blanket.

"Thank you." She said with a nod. "He's getting so big."

"He is. He's growing like a weed." Craig said with a nod.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she took another bite of her soup.

Meredith sat and talked to Craig for long time. She was starting to feel tired. Craig looked up at her and frowned. She finally decided to take his advise and go back to bed and try and get some sleep. He cleaned up the dishes, made sure that she got upstairs and let himself out. Meredith want into her room and immediately crashed.

---------------

Derek was pulled into surgery after surgery. He was so tired, and concerned for Meredith and Liam. But the longer the day went, the more it drifted from his mind. The hospital had a way of taking him over. He couldn't do anything to stop it. It just happened that way.

Derek pulled off his scrub cap and looked up at the clock. Dinner time. How the hell did that happen? Ten hours ago he was heading home. He lost ten hours of his life, saving others. But that was what he signed on for. He was a surgeon. This is what he loved. And this was what he worked for. It pulled him in. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Derek quickly climbed into his car. He was feeling that ever-so-familiar pang of guilt. The guilt of not being able to juggle everything. He couldn't do it. And as much as it hurt, sometimes the pressure from the board was stronger than the pressure from Meredith.

Derek pulled up to his house. The lights weren't on. The outside timer lights were on, but that was it. That's how he knew she was sick. She had to have been in bed all day to not turn on any lights. As he walked into the dark kitchen he looked around. His face was puzzled as he looked into the refrigerator seeing a container of soup from Grand Central Bakery. He quickly flipped on the light and frowned when he saw a note on the counter.

[i_Mer-_

_Hope you feel better soon..._

_-Craig[/i_

Craig. What the hell was he doing in their home? He tossed the note down on the counter and looked at the soup. He had to have brought the soup. But how did he know that she was sick? Derek didn't like this. He didn't like this at all. The thought of her talking to another man. The thought of another man, his friend, in his house made him the slightest bit angry.

Derek marched upstairs. He made a quick stop in Liam's room and looked into the empty crib. This was one thing that he didn't like. He didn't like Meredith sleeping with their son. Cribs were for babies, beds were for adults. He walked into their room and looked at Liam next to Meredith. He let out a irritated sigh as he scooped him up and kissed him on the head.

"Mmm... Where are you taking him?" Meredith asked with confusion as she looked up.

"He needs to go to his own room." Derek told her quickly.

"But he's sick..." Meredith said quickly.

"He will be okay." Derek told her as he continued to walk away.

"But-" Meredith said, almost pouting.

"Mer... He will be fine. He needs to learn to be away from you." He told her as he walked into the hallway. "Liam you have got to be a big guy. Mama is too attached. And that's probably daddy's fault." He told the sleeping baby as he laid him down.

Derek took a quick shower. He didn't even want to take one. But he needed to. The water could have been cold, but he was so mad, he could make it hot. He couldn't get the image out of his head. Craig sitting in his house. He didn't like it. Not one bit. He could hear Meredith's loud breathing as he walked into their room. She wasn't sleeping, he could tell that.

Derek tossed and turned. It was early. He never slept this early. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was the man. Craig. He was the problem. He hit his pillow. He tossed. He turned. He grumbled. No sleep.

"God! Can't you stop that? I'm trying to freaking sleep!" Meredith spat.

"Imagine that. So am I." Derek responded nastily.

"What is your problem? You're the one keeping me awake. I am silent over here." She said as she turned and looked at him.

"Are you kidding me... What is my problem... What was he doing here?" Derek asked frankly.

"What? Who?" Meredith asked.

"Craig! What the fuck was he doing in my house?" Derek asked.

"Last I checked, this was my house too." Meredith spat as she sat up. "And Craig is my friend. If I want my friend over, I will have him over."

"A man. In my house. When I am not here." Derek grumbled.

"How very caveman of you, Derek. He brought me soup. Something my husband should do." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes and let her head fall on the pillow.

"He's a man..." Derek muttered. He didn't like this, not at all.

"You're right... He is." Meredith agreed.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Derek asked quickly.

"Take it how you want to." Meredith said frankly.

"Are you fucking him Mer?" Derek asked as he turned and looked at her.

"Fuck you, Derek!" Meredith screamed as she slapped him in the face. "Get out! Get out!" She yelled as she shoved him out of the bed. "Get out!"

Meredith heard Liam wail loudly. Her yelling woke him up. This was exactly what she didn't want to happen. She quickly jumped out of the bed and ran down the hallway, the tears streaming down her cheeks. How could he even accuse her of that? She quickly picked up Liam and walked back down the hallway to her room.

"You're okay, baby." Meredith said softly. "You're okay. Mama is sorry. And daddy is leaving. Go. Get out of here. My son and I would like to go to sleep now." She growled as she laid him down beside her. "Without you."

Derek frowned as he walked across the hallway to the guest room. There was no talking to her at this point. He made a mess. A horrible mess. He could never truly believe that she would sleep with someone else. But it came out. And the jealousy came to a head. And they just spelt more trouble.


	14. The Aftermath

Meredith couldn't sleep. Not after the fight. The problem wasn't so much the fight, it was after. It was the uncomfortable silence afterward. It was the way Derek would apologize. He apologized because he had to. He did it because it was expected. It wasn't necessary because he was admitting fault. That was one thing that Meredith was learning, Derek didn't admit fault. Not anymore.

Derek was sitting at the table eating his muesli when Meredith trotted down the stairs. Liam was still asleep. It had to be the exhaustion from being ill. Meredith wasn't feeling much better than he was, but she did have to go back today. Luckily Izzie was off today and agreed to come over and watch Liam at their house. The hospital daycare didn't allow him inside when he wasn't feeling well.

She didn't say a word. Derek followed her with his eyes. This morning, with the early sunrise coming in, he could see her perfectly. She looked amazing. Meredith had always looked amazing. But she was always into junk food. She had never much cared about taking care of herself. But lately she had. He could tell by her firm body that she was. She grabbed a grapefruit and a cup of coffee. As she reached for a plate, his eyes gazed at her tight abdomen. His eyes travelled up and down her body. He could feel his cock rise as he stared at her.

"Mer..." Derek muttered softly as he watched her sit down across from him in silence.

"Don't talk to me." She told him frankly as she cut her grapefruit in half. She was sawing violently. She wanted to cut his balls off. The grapefruit was his balls.

"Meredith, honey." Derek started again.

"No. No Meredith honey. You lost the right. You lost the right to say anything to me when you talked to me like that last night. I cannot believe you would even accuse me of that, Derek. He is my friend. Now I'm not allowed to have friends that are men? Do I need to have them approved by you? Is there a rule?" She spat as she glared at him.

"Meredith... I- I saw the note and I was upset-" Derek explained as he looked at her.

"You saw the note and you got upset? Fuck you, Derek. I don't really care about your feelings. I would never fuck him. Not- I should. God knows if anyone has the right, it's me. You are the one that is never around. Maybe if you were a better husband..." She spat.

"What do you expect me to think? A good looking man is taking care of my wife when I'm not here..." Derek pointed out

"Like I said, if you were doing it..." Meredith said with a smile as she looked across the table.

It was a smirk. Derek didn't like that smirk. It made him feel like she could. Like she was taunting him. And the thought of she and Craig made his stomach turn.

"So if I were home more, you wouldn't be fucking him?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"You're a real fucking prick, you know that?" Meredith asked as she raised her grapefruit up and sprayed him in the eye.

"You bitch!" Derek yelled out of pain and anger. He quickly ran to the sink and began flushing his eyes. "You sprayed it in my eyes. I could go blind. Are you fucking crazy?" He screamed.

"I hate you." She muttered as she threw her plate and the grapefruit in the trash together.

It wasn't going through her mind that she just threw a piece of a matching set of china into the trash. The only thing that was going through her mind was anger and hurt. He called her a bitch. He had never done that. He had never called her a name. Not like that. She quickly walked into the great room and covered her head with her hands.

Derek immediately regretted saying what he did. He didn't mean it. It was the felling of acid in his eyes that made him say it. He was in pain. She hurt him. He acted inappropriately, but he was still mad. He trusted Meredith not to cheat. But Derek didn't like it. It was just too easy. When Craig was moving in on their territory, it was just too easy. Too tempting.

"Meredith..." Derek said as he walked over to the sofa and sat down beside her.

"Don't... Don't bother trying to talk, Derek. It's pointless. All it ever does is make things worse." She said as she began to cry. "We can't even talk."

"It's the stress, baby. You know I didn't mean it." He told her with a smile.

"No... I don't. That is the problem." She said as she looked at the floor.

"Honey..." He said as he leaned over and pulled her body against his. She was stiff. She was rigid. She was not his Meredith. His Meredith would collapse in his arms. Meredith let out a sigh of relief when she looked up, seeing Izzie at the door. No one wanted to confront this. No one wanted to deal with anything.

"Hey, Iz." Meredith said with a fake smile as she walked up.

There was no denying it anymore. Anyone who looked at her could tell that her world was falling apart. Izzie could see the tear stains on her cheeks. She could see the telltale bloodshot eyes. She could hear the shakiness in Meredith's voice. She could tell that they apparently had another fight. They seemed to be closer and closer together these days.

"Hey... You don't look so great. Are you sure you're ready to go back?" Izzie asked as she glanced over at Derek. Derek looked at her and then walked away.

"I'm ready. I need to go back. I can't push it." Meredith said quickly.

"Mer, you know if you are sick, you should stay home. Everyone understands" Derek told her quickly.

"Well, evidently the hospital is really busy. Maybe it would help take the load off of you. I mean, would it be right for me to stay home when my husband is working so fucking hard? I would hate to stay home of there is that much fucking work going on." Meredith spat as she looked over her shoulder.

"I have to go." Derek said quickly as he walked up. "I love you." He said as he leaned in to kiss her. Meredith pulled away, leaving him in the air.

"Goodbye." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Mer-" Derek said quickly. "I didn't mean it."

"No don't try it." She said as she turned and walked into the kitchen. "Bye."

"Thank you for watching him, Izzie." Derek told her as he walked away.

"No problem." Izzie said with a faint smile. Izzie rushed into the kitchen when she heard the garage door shut. "Did he hit you, Mer?"

What? No! Why would you say that?" Meredith asked in shock.

"You are upset. You've been crying. You're always crying. I haven't seen you happy in so long. And he said he didn't mean it. Would yo ueven tell me if he did hit you? I swear, I'd kill him, Mer." Izzie said with a frown.

"No. Iz, that is one thing Derek would never do. He would never hit me. Ever." Meredith told her firmly.

"Mer... I don't want to see you like this anymore. It's not fair. You're hurting so bad." Izzie said as she pulled her close. "I hate this."

"I'm okay, Izzie. It's not that bad. I- I will be okay." Meredith explained as she pulled away. "Liam is sleeping. I'm not going to go up there. I don't want to upset him. He's been sleeping a lot lately. And he's a little touchy about the bottle. Dip the nipple in sugar water. And if he want some apple sauce for lunch, give it to him. I doubt that he will. And if there is any problem, call me."

"I can handle him. You go to work. If you're sure you feel well enough." Izzie said with a smile.

"I'm okay. I feel okay." She muttered as she looked off into the distance. "Oh..." She said sadly as she looked at the calendar.

It was like a ton of bricks fell on her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She was in so much pain at that moment. More than before. It was heightened. The pain was heightened by the recent events. Her stomach knotted into a tight, hard ball.

"What?" Izzie asked as she looked over.

"Nothing. It's nothing." Meredith said as she walked away. "I'll- I will see you later. Call me." Meredith said as she walked off in a haze.

"Bye." Izzie said with a sigh as she popped down on the sofa with her knitting needles and yarn.

This wasn't right. It wasn't fair. She couldn't take it. The walls were closing in on her. Today of all days. Today Derek had to be a jerk. Today, two years since John died. Meredith stopped the car at the end of the driveway and broke down. She couldn't take it. The tears streamed down like they did so easily these days. She couldn't take the pain. Her marriage was failing. She lost two men that truly loved her. Everything was a mess. She wanted more than anything to go to Joe's. She wanted to fall into her old trap. She wanted to drown out the pain. Pain that was overwhelming.

-----------------

Meredith was living in a cloud. She was just floating from patient room to patient room. She was in a state of shock and sadness. It was all coming to a head. It was all too much. Derek was a horrible husband. He was an even worst father. He was a worthless man. Everyday she felt worse. Everyday, she felt more and more sick about it. She was beginning to hate him. She was hating him, and before she would feel guilty about it. But now she was getting to the point where she just didn't care anymore.

"Are you okay, Dr. Shepherd?" Katie Jennison asked with a frown.

"Huh... What?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"You don't look so well." Adam pointed out. "You look really bad."

"Um... Today is... It's a bad day. Can you guys just find something to do. Go to your attendings. Martin, go to the pit if they need you. If not, go to the gallery." Meredith said with a sigh.

Meredith was supposed to be getting ready for surgery with Mark. But she couldn't. She leaned up against the nurse's station and closed her eyes. All she could see was the blood. Blood everywhere. Her husband had a fence in his body. A fence. She saw the scans and tests. He stomach knotted as she gasped for breath. She missed him. And she had never realized just how much. Not until she was alone.

"Shepherd... You aren't getting paid to stand there." Miranda said frankly. "You have had your head in the clouds all day. What the hell is your problem?" She snapped.

One look into Meredith's dark, sad, eyes was all she needed. She could tell whatever it was, it was big. She started to worry. She hadn't seen Meredith look like this since that day. The day. A light bulb went on in Miranda's head as she looked over at the date on the desk calendar. Miranda drew in a deep breath and walked over to Meredith, wrapping her arms around her.

"I'm sorry... I didn't realize." Miranda said softly.

"You remember?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Of course I remember. That was... My intern experienced a horrible trauma that day. I could never forget that. Why don't you go home?" Miranda suggested. "I really don't want you in the OR today. Tomorrow, yes. But not today. Go home and take a break. It's okay. You need it."

"Okay." Meredith muttered out.

Meredith never agreed to that. She went into labor in the OR. She worked through everything. But not today. Today she felt sick. Today she felt like she couldn't go on if someone made her. She slowly nodded and walked off. Meredith rushed into the locker room and changed her clothes. As she stepped on the elevator, she saw Craig in the back. She nodded and smiled as she turned away.

The small group of people that was on the elevator jumped off at the next floor. Craig walked over and looked at her with a smile. Even he could see she wasn't right. His face got sympathetic as he looked into her green eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asked as he placed his hand on her shoulder. She was breaking. He could see it. He pulled the ESB and waited.

That was all it took. The tears flowed heavily as she looked at the floor. She couldn't stand. She wanted to fall to the floor. She wanted to lay down and never get up. As she started to collapse, she felt his arms wrap around her. He held her up. He kept her off of the floor. She laid her head against his white lab coat and let the tears soak into his jacket. She could feel him rub her back. He cared. At least someone did.

"Meredith..." Craig said softly.

"He- Today- And- I- I- All I see is blood. He left me. I shouldn't have- I think I- Wrong choice. He changed. I think my marriage is over." She scried out loudly. "It's over."

"Oh, Meredith... It's okay." He said as he held her close. "You're okay. I'm here. And you have friends. We're all for you. I'm here... It's not over."

"He doesn't love me anymore." Meredith said with a frown.

"Meredith... He loves you. He's just busy." Craig said with a nod. "The pressure is so high..."

"No. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't. And today... Oh god, I miss him. I miss John. Why did he have to leave me? We weren't perfect. But he loved me. He really loved me." Meredith cried as the buzzer went off. Craig pushed it back in.

"Oh, Meredith." He said as he released his hold on her.

"I- I have to go." Meredith said as the doors opened. "I have to go."

Craig stood there in shock. She had given up. She had actually given up on everything. As he stood there, he wished he could do something for her. He wished he could help her. All he knew to do, was to be there. And he was hoping that was enough.


	15. Too Much Pain

Meredith climbed into her car. She didn't even know how she made it that far. This day wasn't a day that bothered her. Not horribly. It didn't before. Derek had been there for her. He was the one that pulled her out. And now that he wasn't there, she was falling father and deeper than she ever had. Today was the roughest of the anniversaries. Today she felt like she was dying.

Meredith sat in he car and stared. She couldn't move. She had time. She looked at the clock. She head plenty of time. She wasn't due to be home for another five hours. Five hours to herself. As the tears ran down her cheeks, she threw the car into reverse and drove out of the lot.

Joe's parking lot was empty. Meredith drew in a deep breath as she grabbed a wad of money from her purse and her car keys. The bar was quiet and dismal. No one was there. Just Joe and enough liquor to satisfy her need. Joe gave her a faint smile as she walked in and sat at the stool.

"Long time, no see." Joe said with a smile. "How have you been?" He asked.

"Tequila, Joe." Meredith muttered without answering his question.

Joe didn't know what to do. He knew Meredith's past. He knew she tipped towards the alcoholic end of the scale these days. He knew that Derek was hell-bent on keeping her out of there. She had that one big attack. The one where she nearly drank herself to death. Blood alcohol poisoning. She wasn't to drink. And now here she was. And he had no idea what to do.

Meredith didn't care anymore. She was in so much pain. She was longing to do the only thing that she knew how. She was longing to drown her pain out in a nice pool of tequila. She sat there looking down at the wood bar. She couldn't take the pain. It was worse than it had ever been.

She wanted to give up. John was gone. All he ever did was love her. And all she ever did was make his life hell. She would never get over the pain that she had caused him. The torture. Dating Derek. Throwing everything in his face. And then he died so tragically. And what did she do? She moved on. She should have never played it that way. If she hadn't made up her mind to pick Derek, maybe John would be alive. He would have never been going to get the ring. He would have never died so tragic and pathetically.

Meredith loved Derek with all her heart. But he was killing her. He was taking a piece from her everyday. And she had no idea how to get over it. She had no idea how to make the pain stop. He was bittersweet. She loved him so much, and yet he continually hurt her with no regard. And now she was suffering. No she was dying on the inside. And he would never change.

Joe. Tequila." Meredith spat angrily at his hesitancy.

"Mer... You don't want to do this. I don't know what's going on... But this isn't the answer." Joe told her frankly.

"It's my fucking choice. Not yours!" She screamed with anger.

"You're right. It is. But you have a family-" He started.

"Yeah... Some family. I have a husband you hasn't made love to me in months. I make him sick. He can't even get it up because I am grotesque. That's family. That's love..." Meredith said quickly.

"You have an amazing little boy at home. And I bet he is waiting for you. You can't do that to him. You can't go home to him like that." Joe told her quickly.

Meredith's eyes began to tear up. Joe was right. Liam was at home. Liam was innocent in the sick little game that was their life. She couldn't do that to him. She was nursing. And she couldn't go home to him drunk. She couldn't let herself fall. If she did, who would catch him?

"You're- You're right..." Meredith cried. "I- Oh my god! I have to go..."

"Mer!" Joe yelled as she ran out. He quickly dialed the phone. "I need to talk to Dr. Shepherd please."

"Let me transfer you." The receptionist said quickly. He heard another voice answer.

"I need to speak to Derek Shepherd please. This is very important." Joe muttered.

"He's in surgery. I can put you through to his voicemail." She suggested.

"That would be great." Joe said as he heard Derek's message. "Hey, Derek... It's Joe from Emerald City. Mer was just here. She's a mess. I convinced her to go home... But she really needs you. Thanks." Hopefully he would get the message.

----------------

Izzie looked up in shock as she saw Meredith's car coming down the driveway. Liam had been sleeping most of the day. He would get up and eat a little bit, but then he was ready to sleep again. She heard the garage door open. She watched as Meredith walked in.

"Mer! You are home early." Izzie said in shock. "What's wrong? Oh my God, Are you okay?" Izzie asked in shock.

"I need to be alone. I have this from here." Meredith said softly.

"No! Mer... What is wrong with you? You've been crying. You need to talk. Tell me what's wrong." Izzie said quickly.

"It's today, Iz. And I... I need to be alone. I need to think about this. Alone. Please, if you care, you will leave." Meredith told her with a frown. "Please."

"Okay. I guess..." She responded sadly. "Liam had a bottle about twenty minutes ago."

"Okay. Thank you, Iz. Thank you." Meredith told her as she turned and walked away.

Meredith didn't wait to see if Izzie left. She trudged up the stairs. As she walked into the nursery, the scent of Liam filled her lungs. She loved the way her little boy smelled. The faintest smile crossed her face as she bent down and kissed his sleeping form. She never got the chance with Bella.

Meredith didn't even slow down as she made the walk to their walk-in closet. Derek didn't know about the box. She kept it in the corner. She had a label on it that said taxes. Taxes from ten years ago. She pulled it out from it's hidden place and sat on the floor with it. As she lifted the lid, tears filled her eyes.

She kept the wedding photo It was still in the frame. That was a bittersweet day. She didn't want to marry him. Her mom made her. Ellis convinced her that she would never find anyone better. So she did it. Even broken hearted and feeling betrayed, she did it.

John's face smiled back from it's time capsule. She could feel him staring at her. She could feel him around her. The tears streamed. She made a mistake. A huge mistake. Maybe they would have been happy. Maybe they could have gotten over everything. Maybe she would be with him now. He would never do this to her. He was the most unselfish an in the world. He would die for her. And he practically her.

Meredith looked at Bella's sonogram. Maybe if she had lived, they would have been okay. It was all her fault. All of it. It was one bad mistake after another. She couldn't take the pain she was feeling. She threw Bella's sonogram picture in the box and grabbed the photo of she and John. Meredith collapsed on the bed in tears.

"I miss you... I miss you so much. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. If I had known, you'd be alive. You'd still be here. With me. You worked so hard for us. I was so proud, you have no idea. I need you, John. I need you so much. Derek doesn't care. He doesn't love me anymore. I can't do this... I can't go on like this." She cried out as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Meredith laid there, sobbing so hard she couldn't breathe. She sobbed until she fell asleep. She sobbed until she couldn't anymore. She had hit a wall. She had no idea where to go. Or if she even could.

Craig called Addison. He had to. He didn't know Meredith really well, but he was definitely concerned for her. And he didn't think it was his place to go to her house. Not when she was in the middle of an emotional meltdown. So he called Addison. And Addison freaked out. And it trickled down. Mark had to go with her, she couldn't drive. She knew what happened before. She didn't want to see that happen again.

"I'm really worried about her." Addison told him as they drove towards the house.

"I swear, if she hurt herself... I will kill that mother fucker. I will kill him." Mark told her angrily.

"She is really hurting... What the hell is wrong with him? He used to care. I- I am so disappointed in him. You have no idea." Addison told Mark with a frown.

"Well, he was my best friend. I have an idea. You are as disappointed in him as I am. I never thought her would dump his family off like this." Mark muttered as they drove along.

They knew. Meredith leaned towards the suicidal end of things. In the pool with John, she almost gave up. She admitted that she almost gave up. And then she tried to drink herself to death in the car, Derek saving her. And then there was the time that she drank herself into blood alcohol poisoning. Meredith had no problem giving it up. And all she could think of, was Liam. If Meredith hurt herself, who would take care of him?

They drove up to the house. It was dark. Eerily dark. Luckily they had a spare key. Neither would say it out loud, but all they could think about was what they could find. Visions of Liam screaming in his crib as Meredith laid sprawled out in a bloody pool. Or Meredith laying lifeless in her bed, an empty pill bottle by her side. When they opened the door, they called out. Addison rushed up to her room.

A sigh of relief ran over them as they watched her. She was snoring loudly. But she was alive. Alive and breathing, curled up in a tiny ball. She was a piece of who she was. They could see it in her body language. They could see it in her physical appearance. She was just a fraction of what was once Meredith Grey.

"She looks horrible." Mark muttered from the doorway.

"She is thin... And pale. I think if she didn't have Liam, she would starve herself." Addison told him with a frown. "She wants to make him happy. She's convinced that it's her. She has to change so that he will love her. Damn it! This was no supposed to happen."

"I'm really worried about her." Mark agreed as a knot formed in his stomach. "I can't watch her like this... I'm going to go check on Liam."

"Okay..." Addison said softly as she walked into the room and slowly sat on the bed. The tears began to fall as she saw the picture of she and John clutched in her arms. Maybe Meredith had made a mistake.

Meredith opened her eyes and looked through, seeing a blurry Addison. She was tired. Her eyes were burning. Her head felt like it was ready to split open. She was in physical pain. And there Addison was. She had been so mad at her. But now she didn't care. She just didn't care about any of it.

"Mmm... Addie... What are you doing here?" Meredith asked sleepily.

"I just came to check on you." Addison said quickly. "I'm so sorry, Mer... I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know you didn't." Meredith told her in a groggy fog. "You were right... You were right about everything." She said as she began to cry.

It felt like she was in an avalanche. Snow was pressing down on her. The weight was stamping the life out of her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. All she could do was stay in the same position and wait for death to come. It would be peaceful. Welcoming. But death wouldn't come. Only more suffering.

"Oh honey..." Addison said as she held a crying Meredith.

"I can't take it anymore. You were so right." Meredith cried. "I can't... I just can't. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep." Meredith mumbled.

"You rest. I have you. Liam is fine. You rest." Addison said as she stroked her hair until she fell back asleep.

Derek sat down at his desk. It was the first time that he was able to sit down for the whole day. He drew in a breath as he grabbed his vibrating phone. He had so much to do. So much paperwork. He had so many things to file. The board was on his back. Bailey wanted a free clinic. And here he was in a mess, dealing with it all. He quickly dialed in his password and began listing to his messages.

"Hey, Derek... It's Joe from Emerald City. Mer was just here. She's a mess. I convinced her to go home... But she really needs you. Thanks." Derek listened to Joe's familiar voice say.

Derek went pale. His eyes glanced up at the calendar. Today was the day. The day that John died. And he promised he would always be there. And he wasn't. He wasn't there for her. He quickly dropped everything and rushed out of the hospital.

Derek played the message over and over again. It was left five hours ago. Five hours and he didn't know. Five hours she had been in a mess, most likely suffering. If Joe refused to serve her, she probably went home and drank. Liam. All he could think of was Liam. Meredith could have hurt herself, leaving Liam alone. Derek sped forward, coming down his driveway, throwing stones. For the first time in a long time, he was worried.

Derek looked up in confusion. Mark's car was there. A wave of anger his Derek like a tidal wave. Why was Mark there? Why was Mark so worried about her? Mark was fucking her. That was the only explanation. Craig was fucking her. God, everyone was fucking her. He couldn't satisfy her, so she was getting it everywhere else. Derek burst in his door, seeing Mark on the sofa with his son.

Who the hell did Mark think he was? Derek wasn't welcome in Mark's house anymore. And now Mark was on his sofa, playing with his son. It was bullshit. He didn't want his son anywhere near Mark. He didn't want Mark in his house. This was his house. He had to go.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Derek screamed as he rushed in.

He had rage in her eyes. Rage that Mark had never seen in his eyes. He was full of fire. The vein in his head was throbbing. His blood pressure was through the roof. He stalked over to Mark ready for a fight. And had Mark not been holding Liam, there probably would have been one.

"Whoa man! Relax!" Mark said quickly as he stood with Liam in his arms. "Not in front of your son..."

"Give him to me." Derek spat as he walked up and gently grabbed Liam. "You are not welcome in my home. You have no reason to be here." Derek told him as he pointed to the door. "I am done with you, Mark. Past done."

"Someone has to take care of your family. And it looks like it has to be Addie and I." Mark seethed as he got next to Derek's face. "And being done... It's mutual."

"You have no right. This is my family." Derek growled. "Get out, before I make you get out." He told him as he walked away with Liam and up the stairs.

Derek was angry. He didn't want Mark touching his son. He had no reason to be angry, but he was. He was angry with everyone these days. He quickly took Liam to his crib and laid him down. As he walked into their room, he saw Addison sitting in the chair, watching Meredith.

"How is she?" Derek asked as he walked to her beside.

"Not good, Derek. Not good." Addison said as her voice cracked.

"I- Oh god..." He muttered as he sat down on the bed and stroked her back. "I have her. You can go."

"I-" Addison started to say. "I gave her a sleeping pill and hour ago. If you want me to stay, I can."

"I need to take care of my wife." Derek told her as he looked into her eyes. "You can go."

"Would you like me to take Liam for the night?" Addison asked as she stood up.

"No. If she wakes up and he's gone, she will be really upset." Derek told her frankly. "They are my family. I can handle it."

"Okay." Addison said, unsure of the truth in his words.

Addison slowly walked away. She didn't want to leave her alone. Not with Derek. A year ago, she knew there was no one better. But these days, she didn't trust him to take care of anyone. As she walked out, she was shocked to see Mark in the car. And he didn't look happy.

"We are done, Addie. I am done with him." Mark yelled as she climbed in.

"I know, Mark. I know." Addison said with a nod as they drove away, unsure of what they were leaving.

Derek sat on the bed and rubbed her back as she laid there. She was asleep. Dead asleep. As he pulled the blankets around her, he felt something hard. He shook his head when he pulled out the picture of she and John. He didn't know how to take it. It hurt. It hurt that she was there, clinging to that. And it made him angry that she would want to cling to that. Derek placed the photo face down on the table.

Derek drew in a breath as he pulled off his shoes and climbed into the bed with her. His arms clung to her slight frame as he spooned against her. She didn't feel right to him. Everyone was right, she was thin. And she was stiff. She wasn't Meredith. Not his Meredith. The thing was, he wasn't her Derek anymore either.

As they laid there in an uncomfortable sleep, neither know what was going through the other's head. If they did, they wouldn't feel good about it. If they knew what each other was going through, there would be no sleep. There was just too much pain.


	16. Shock to the System

Meredith stirred lightly. The sun was just starting to peek through their windows. She could feel Derek. That was something she was no longer accustomed to. His face was buried deep in her hair. She could feel the gentle rhythm of his breath grazing her neck. If this had been months ago, it would have been perfect. They would have wrapped each other in their arms. But not anymore. Not today.

Meredith quickly sat up in the bed. The room spun lightly as she looked around, trying to get her bearings. Between the crying and the sleeping pills she was slightly uncoordinated. She blinked several times before she looked around again. She looked down at Derek. And then at the picture, face down on the table. All she felt was anger.

"Mmm... How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he sat up and rubbed her shoulder.

"Like shit, Derek." She growled as she climbed out of the bed and rushed to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Meredith walked over to the mirror and placed her hands on the counter. She hung her head and closed her eyes. Him being there, it didn't matter. Not at the moment. Seeing her picture face down, just made her angry. Like he had to hide it. He wanted to hide anything that may make her happy.

"Mer..." Derek muttered softly as he tapped the door. "Honey... Are you okay?"

Meredith didn't answer as she splashed cold water over her face. She didn't want to answer him. She didn't want to give him any reason to think she was okay. He deserved no comfort. She slowly dried her face with the thick hand towel and stared at her dark eyes.

"Meredith... You're worrying me. Are you okay?" Derek asked, fear present in his voice.

"Can you just go feed Liam?" Meredith asked quickly, not answering his question.

"Meredith... I want to see you. I want to make sure that you're okay." Derek told her as he leaned his face against the wood door.

"Liam is the priority. He is hungry. Feed him." She said coldly as she sat on the side of the bathtub.

Derek walked away and a defeated mess. She was no longer communicating with him. In fact, it seemed that she hated him. He could feel it radiating off of her like a hot flame. She didn't care to talk to him. She didn't care to have anything to do with him. She didn't seem to care. Period.

After a long stay in the bathroom, Meredith decided to come out. She had to. There were no tears left. Just anger. All she felt was anger. Anger at herself for the decisions she made. Anger at Derek for being an asshole. Anger at John for dying. But once again, anger at herself, because it all came back to her.

"Honey..." Derek muttered from a chair in the corner. He was sitting there, feeding Liam a bottle. The minute Liam saw Meredith he began to fuss. "I want you to stay home today. You are in no condition..."

"Okay." She said simply as she walked over and grabbed Liam and the bottle.

"You will?" Derek asked in shock. Meredith never stayed home. Not unless she was dead.

"Yeah. I will." Meredith muttered as she sat in the arm chair in the corner and began feeding Liam, looking down at his little face and blue eyes.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? Yesterday was..." Derek started.

"I fucking know what yesterday was." Meredith spat as she looked up at him. "I know. You don't need to remind me. Do you think i just stayed in bed for no reason?"

"Fuck! God... I- I try to be supportive, and all I get is shit on. Damed if I do... Damned if I don't. I'm fucking tired of this." Derek yelled. "You are driving me crazy!"

"Then go away. Go to work." She growled as she looked at him. "Just leave."

"Mer... I didn't mean it like that. I just- You will not let me help you. I want to be there for you." Derek told her softly.

"I have waited for that. And now I'm just tired of waiting. I waited, and it didn't come. And now don't even want it. Just go to work, Derek. I really don't need you today." She told him frankly as she looked down at her son and ignored him completely.

It was a mess. She and Derek were now cursing in front of Liam. That was the last thing that she wanted to happen. They couldn't control themselves anymore. And now he was there. He was trying. And she was so tired of it that she had to push him away. She had to hurt him like he had been hurting her. It was a vicious cycle. And she was tired of it.

---------------

Meredith ignored him. Derek walked back and forth, getting ready for work. In fact, it seemed that he was making needless trips in and out of the bathroom and looking over at her. But she ignored. She refused. Grabbing a tie. Grabbing his pants. His socks. His boxers. He went down the list, item for item. And she wouldn't look at him. She just sat in the chair staring into space as her son slept in her arms.

"I'm leaving." Derek said softly as he walked up to her.

"Okay." Meredith muttered without turning her head.

"Have a good day. And rest, okay?" He asked her as he kissed her on the head.

"One day does not absolve you, Derek. One day, one night... It means shit. Nil. Nothing. This what you are going... If you are trying to get somewhere, don't bother. You don't take it away. What I feel... You waited too long." Meredith told him frankly as her hard eyes looked into his.

"You know what I think? I don't think there is anything in this world that will ever make you happy." Derek growled after kissing his son.

"Maybe not." Meredith said frankly. "But I was happy once."

She was happy. She was happy when it was she and him. The dates. The bowling alley. That was the most fun she had ever had. And then when they were sneaking, she was happy. Even cheating on her husband, she was happy because she was with him. But the happiest moments were in the riviera. When they got married. When she found out she was pregnant. When she held Liam for the first time and looked into Derek's proud eyes... That was when she was happy.

Derek stood there. She was talking about John. He knew that. It was always John. How did he ever fall into her trap? John couldn't make her happy. How could he make her happy. Fucking a married woman was the biggest mistake. Everyone knew that. And that was what made it so easy for him to believe she would cheat. She did before. She did it with him.

"Well, now you are just a miserable person." Derek spat nastily. "But I guess you won't be... You'll just find someone else. Just like me. You moved from John to me. What's next? Who is next?"

Meredith felt the blood in her veins begin to boil. She wanted to kill him. Literally. She slowly rose to her feet and sat Liam gently down on the bed and placed pillows around him. Derek watched as she walked up to him like stealth. She never paused as she raised her hand and cracked him in the face.

"What the fuck!" Derek yelled. "You have lost your fucking mind."

"You don't talk to me like that. I would never cheat. Ever!" She said angrily.

"Meredith. What has gotten into you?" He asked as he as he rubbed hos face and took a breath.

"Hate." Meredith told him frankly.

"You hate me?" Derek asked in shock. "You hate me?" He asked again in shock.

"I hate this. All of it. I am so tired of it all." She told him as she walked over and grabbed Liam. "Just go to work."

"I could never hate you..." Derek muttered as he walked out.

Derek felt sick. Had he not had to go to work, he wouldn't. This was bad. She hated him. She changed it to this. She pretended it wasn't him. But she did hate him. She did. It was in her eyes. It was in her body language. He had never felt this bad going to work. He didn't want to. But he didn't have a choice.

Meredith sat in the chair holding her son. Derek walked down the stairs. She could hear him start his car. She heard him leave the driveway. She couldn't even cry if she wanted to. The tears were gone now. They had left forever. She couldn't cry. It was her fault. How would she ever explain to Liam that his dad doesn't come home every night because she let him go. She pushed him into the job. And now she hated him and herself for it.

Fixing the situation would be a long, hard battle. There was no fixing it at the moment. She couldn't see how. She had to cut her emotions off and drive through like she was in a tank. She had to cut off the pain. Cut off the sorrow. She had to just bulldoze through all of it.

Meredith spent her day running. She packed Liam up in the car. They were running from place to place. He was happy going with his mom. It was an adventure. He just had no idea how much of one it wad. They were trying to fix messes. Trying to do something. It was a battle. It was a mess. She wasn't sure how she could do it. She wasn't sure if she could. But she had to. Whether she was ready or not, she had to. It was too late now.

------------------

Derek came home. He came home and there was still no communication. Living like this made him realize some things. He made mistakes. He knew that Meredith didn't want him to be chief. He knew that she was afraid that he would never be home. She did it because she wanted to be supportive. He knew all of this the minute she pushed him into it. She didn't push. She opened the door. And when he agreed to it, he knew she was terrified. He used it as a reason to be selfish. He disregarded her feelings, and he did it knowingly.

She went on with her life. Dinner was made but it wasn't served to him. She took care of her son. She went on like he wasn't there. She never acknowledge him. It was like he was a ghost. It was like he wasn't even visible in her eyes. He watched her ignore him. At first he thought she was making a point. And then he realized it was much more than that. It continued for days.

"Meredith..." Derek muttered as he climbed into their cold bed. He snuggled into his frigid wife. "Why can't you talk to me?" He asked as he gently ran his fingers across her flesh. "Talk to me..."

He wanted to touch her. He wanted to taste her. But not anymore. She didn't allow him to. She was frigid. She was cold. She didn't respond to his touch like she used to. She didn't acknowledge him. Derek ran his hands down her smooth abdomen and kissed her neck. He needed her. He wanted to hear her moan his name. He wanted to taste her like he used to. Maybe it would help. Maybe it would wake her up. Maybe she would remember what they had forgotten.

"Talk to me." He muttered as he kissed her shoulder.

"No. I want you to hurt, Derek. I want you to hurt like I did." Meredith explained with a smile. "I want you to suffer."

"What do you mean, "like I did"? You're content now? You don't hurt anymore? You are content with my suffering?" Derek asked frankly.

"I have to admit, it takes the edge off." She told him with a nod.

"When did you become so evil?" Derek asked simply as he leaned up and shook his head, rubbing his face.

"You made me who I am." She told him as she rolled to her side and showed him her back.

"All I did was what you wanted me to do. If I hadn't taken chief, you would have bitched. I took chief and now you bitch. I am so goddamn tired of your whining. That is all you do. Waa waa... My life is so horrible. You told me to do it. I can't help it you aren't happy. Nothing makes you happy. John may have spent his life being shit on by you. But I won't, Meredith." Derek growled as he got near her face.

"That's fine, Derek. Do what you want. But just know, John liked being shit on. Because John was a man. A real man who cared about me. And you... You're just a little bitch." She told him as she spat it in face.

"You disgust me." Derek said frankly as he rolled away from her. Their backs faced each other's as they laid there in anger.

Neither slept. They couldn't. Derek was wondering if she would kill him in his sleep. He knew she wouldn't. But at the same time she had so much anger in her, he didn't know what she would do to him. But that wasn't why he couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep because things were not okay between them. Things were not good. They couldn't talk anymore. And of they couldn't communicate, they couldn't do anything.

Meredith laid there. She knew he was awake. He could tell that he was uneasy. He was moving in the bed. But he never turned towards her. It was his way of fighting back. And she didn't want him to face her. If he did, she would be tempted to smash his face. Things were such a mess. An unbelievable mess. She was just numb. And she wasn't sure that she wanted to feel anything ever again.

------------------

The morning wasn't any better. Derek was convinced she was after him. Every time her heard a loud noise, he was sure that it was her. She was the predator, he the prey. As he sat at the kitchen table. As she poured her coffee she didn't even look at him. As she sat at the table, she picked at her breakfast. Derek had no idea what to do. Nothing would make them both happy.

"This is..." Meredith muttered as she stabbed her eggs and dropped the fork.

"A mess." Derek offered as he looked at her.

"Yeah. To say the least." She agreed with a nod as she looked over at Liam.

"So what exactly do we do?" Derek asked as he rubbed Liam's cheek.

"There isn't anything to do. Everything is- There is something I need to tell-" Meredith started before she heard the pager go off.

"Shit! I have to go." Derek said with a frown. "I'm sorry. I really am sorry. We'll talk later. Okay?" Derek asked as he kissed her softly.

"Mmm..." She muttered, not answering his question.

She needed to talk to him. There were things that needed to be said. But he was off again. And that was what it always was. She never knew what he would be doing. She never knew where to find him. The last few days, miraculously he had been coming home. But that was rare. And she knew it wouldn't last.

As Derek drove down the driveway, he frowned. It seemed like she was beginning to open up. It seemed like she had something important to tell him. Of course she got cut off. Of course it was screwed up because the hospital had to interrupt it. That was how it always went. As he drove along, he had no idea. And there was no way he would have ever figured it out.

Meredith followed after Derek shortly after he left. Liam was packed and ready to go to the hospital's daycare center and she was ready for a day of work. But she wasn't ready. Not at all. She couldn't focus. She was too uneasy. She was too unsure of what was to come.

Meredith slowly sat Liam down in the crib. She almost had tears in her eyes as she looked at his little face. She gave him a soft kiss and nodded to Karen as she walked out. Now she had to work. That would get her mind off of things. That would make her feel the littlest bit better.

As she walked in the locker room, her friends looked at her. She didn't say anything as she began pulling out clothing and changing into her scrubs. She was afraid. Doom. Impending doom was in it's way. She felt sick. She knew what was coming. It was coming fast.

"So... I was at Joe's last night. You need to start getting back out. You need it. You and asshole don't spend anytime together. And I need my person." Cristina said selfishly.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Izzie asked as she looked at her.

"What's wrong with you?" George asked as he watched her move along like a robot.

"So I drug this guy back to my place. We had hot sex and then I killed him, rolled him in the rug and dumped him in the dumpster." Cristina joked as she waited for her to listen. "Meredith!" Cristina yelled as she looked at her.

"Huh? What... I was-" She started with a sigh.

"Why are you distracted?" George questioned as he tied his pants.

"I'm- I was just thinking." She told them as she tied her hair back and walked away.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Izzie asked as she followed her out of the locker room.

"I can't. Not right now." Meredith muttered before walking off.

She couldn't work. She had a feeling. It was today. Today it was. She was in the operating room and the last thing she was thinking about was their patient. She was scribbling on charts and trying not to accidently start writing it out. She couldn't let out the mess that was their life. A knot formed. It was coming. It was coming fast.

Derek just finished with his surgery. He had been thinking about Meredith all day. Wondering what he could do to help her. He wanted to help her, but deep down, he didn't want to let the success he had go. So he thought about it. And he didn't get anywhere. Not any farther than he had been when he drove out of the driveway in the morning. He would just have to wait. Maybe he would be able to get her to open up again.

Derek pulled off his scrub cap and and washed his hands. He saved his patient. A young guy. A newlywed. His young wife was waiting for the good news. And Derek couldn't wait to tell her. He couldn't wait to give them back what they thought they were losing. As he walked towards the lobby, he saw someone approaching from the corner of his eye.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd?" The man asked as he approached.

"Yes." Derek asked, wondering who it was.

"You've been served." Th man said frankly, handing him and envelope and walking away.

Derek couldn't believe it. He hadn't made any mistakes. He was getting sued. Everything should go through the hospital. And malpractices were arranged and dealt with through the hospital's attorneys. As he tore it open, he saw the woman walking up and smiling. She was waiting for her good news. Derek pulled the papers out. He felt like he was being punched in the gut. He felt like he was dying. His life was over. Divorce papers. Meredith filed for a divorce.


	17. Let Me Go

Derek was sick. Completely sick. The love of his life was ending their marriage. There was no easy way to accept that. He stared at the papers. Dissolution of marriage. Divorce. The end. The big D. His eyes stared, but his mind was numb. Meredith Shepherd, petitioning for divorce. As he stood there, all he could think about was how he let it all go. Just like that, it was gone.

"Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Shepherd... How did Charlie do?" The patient's wife asked as she stood before him.

Derek wasn't there. His mind was else were. Strangely enough, it was on the day that Liam was born. Nothing was more amazing to him than seeing his wife give birth. Liam was an amazing boy. An amazing life that they created out of love. That was the happiest day of his life apart from the day he married her. And now those days were were in the past. They were gone.

"I- I'm sorry... I have to..." Derek muttered as he glanced up and spun around.

"Oh my God... Is Charlie okay?" She cried out in fear.

"He's fine... He'll be fine." Derek mumbled as he walked away from her.

As Derek walked away all he could think about was how could she? He started to get angry. She gave up. He messed up. She messed up. But she gave up. Just like that. He didn't know how she could do it. Now he was really questioning what she had been doing. He was really wondering if she was with someone else.

As Derek stalked through the hospital with the envelope clutched tightly in his hand, everyone looked. He was a man on a mission. He had never looked the way he looked at that moment. Full of despair. Full of regret. He had never been so angry and hurt at the same time. As Derek stalked, unsure about what he was going to say, he saw her. She was just walking up the stairs.

"Meredith!" He yelled loudly as he ran up.

Meredith looked into his eyes. She could tell without looking in his hand that he had gotten them. She could tell by the look in his sad eyes that he knew. But at the same time she saw the anger boiling inside of his veins. And she was angry herself. there was no way she could feel bad for him. Not now.

"What, Derek?" She snapped as she stood there.

"What the fuck is this?" Derek shouted as he held the papers up in his hand. "You're fucking divorcing me?"

"Yeah, Derek. I'm divorcing you." She mocked sarcastically. "So glad that you can read."

"You can't divorce me! What the hell is going through your head? You can't!" He cried out. "We have a son. This isn't bad. It could be worse. I've been there. I've been home almost every night!"

"Almost doesn't count, Derek." She told him, not realizing that a crowd had formed around them.

"You have me served at work?" He asked loudly. Meredith clenched her jaw as she walked down the stairs and grabbed his arm, dragging him into the storage closet.

"Where else am I supposed to have you served?" She asked. "This is the only place you're ever at."

"I can't believe you're doing this. What about Liam? Have you thought about our son?" Derek asked with a frown.

"I have. And this is the best thing for him. Parents that don't love each other don't matter. Having you and I around him when all we do is fight does him no good. He needs stability. And I can give him that. If I'm not concerned about you, I can do that." She explained.

"I am bending over backwards for you...There's someone else. I know there is..." Derek growled. "You're out being a whore! You're fucking someone. That is the only thing that makes sense. We took vows! Fucking vows!" He screamed at her as he got in her face.

People were outside. Everyone was wondering. They heard about the divorce. But they also heard them screaming. And something banging around. Everyone looked at each other, unsure of what to say or do. Finally Craig walked up and shook his head. Someone had to go in there.

"Is everything okay in here?" Craig asked as he pushed the door open.

"I am so tired of defending myself against you, Derek. It's over. We are over. Have your attorney contact mine." She said as she looked into his eyes. "There is no fixing this. And I'm just too damn tired to try."

"Mer-" Derek started as she walked away.

"I'm sorry." She said softly as she looked over. "I know this is my fault. I'm so sorry."

"Meredith!" He yelled again. "What are you doing in here? Get out." He yelled at Craig. Meredith rushed away. She couldn't do it. She couldn't keep looking into his eyes. They would kill her.

-----------------

Derek rushed to his office. He didn't care that everyone was looking at him. He didn't care that they were pitying him. He felt sick. He was ready to retch. Sylvie looked up at him as he rushed towards her. He swung the door to his office open and ran to the trash. He retched over and over, spilling the contents from his stomach. His life was over.

Derek sat back in his desk chair. It was over. She said she was sorry. He knew her better than anyone. He knew her well enough to know that she would never cheat. But yet, he insisted that she was. He was always saying something new to hurt her. And now she was in on the game. She was hurting back.

As Derek stared at the photo of Meredith and Liam on his desk, it started. He never cried. Crying was not his thing. A few tears here and there. He cried when Liam was born. And he cried when he said his vows. But now he was crying. Sobbing. Sobbing because there was nothing else to do. He was losing his whole life and he couldn't imagine that.

He wished he hadn't taken the job as chief. Even with her approval, that day, he knew how she felt. He knew she didn't want him to. And if he could go back, he would change it all. He thought he could do it all. And he couldn't. All he could think about was the look on her face. He wasn't even sure he could get it back.

Meredith ran. She didn't care that everyone was wondering what was going on. She ran into the nearest place she could. She couldn't take the pain of living with herself. She quickly ducked into the storage closet and slid to the floor. A pile of towels fell on top of her as she leaned against the shelves.

She hurt him. She hurt him so bad. And he hurt her. She didn't know what to do. Deep in her heart, she hated doing that to him. But at the same time, she didn't know what else to do. She was hurting, and she just had to get out. She had to try and save herself from the pain.

Meredith sobbed as she sat there. She let Derek down. She let Liam down. She let everyone down. They were supposed to make it. They were supposed to be the amazing couple that everyone talked about. Now they were the mistake. Now they were just another statistic. Meredith looked up when she heard a knock on the door.

"Hey..." Craig said softly as he walked in.

"Uh." Meredith muttered as looked down at the floor. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't look at anyone.

"Are you okay?" Craig asked softly as he sat beside her.

"I just had my husband served with divorce papers in front of everyone. No, I am not okay!" She said as she began to cry.

"I am so sorry." Craig said softly as he rubbed her back

"You can't." Meredith said as she pulled away. "You can't do this- I ruin things. I ruined my marriage. I just need to be by myself. I don't deserve to- Please leave." Meredith said as she looked up at him with tear stained cheeks.

"I don't want to leave you like this. You need a friend." Craig told her as he touched her arm.

"Craig... I don't deserve it." Meredith said as she stood up. "I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know where to go from here."

"You have me." Craig said as she walked out. "I'm always waiting..."

Meredith couldn't work. She couldn't even think straight. She couldn't do anything. She walked slowly. If she had a problem, she used to talk to Derek. But now she had no one. She didn't want to tell just anyone everything. She didn't want to pour her heart out and change the way people thought about Derek. She didn't want to do that to him.

Meredith couldn't take the way she was feeling. She quickly hopped on the elevator, ignoring the looks and whispers from the staff. It was like Derek was meat. Fresh meat. Meat ready for the taking. Meredith hated hearing it. She hated hearing about how happy everyone wad that she was losing her happily ever after.

Sylvie looked up at Meredith with wide eyes. She yelled something about him being busy, but Meredith ignored her and opened the door, shutting it behind her. She sat in the chair in front of his desk and looked up at him. She had never seen him so sad in her life.

Derek looked at his wife. He was shocked that she was there. He was shocked that she didn't run and hide away. He was so used to her avoiding. He was so used to how Meredith operated. He didn't even know what to say to her. He didn't know where to start. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. He wanted to tell her he would change. But no words would come out.

"I'm sorry. Serving you like that was wrong." Meredith said as the tears began to fall. "I didn't- I'm sorry. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. I have been hurting so long, Derek. And you never noticed. I was cruel. I was hateful. And now I just want it over." Meredith explained as she played with her hands.

"Mer... I know this seems bad. But we can work on this. This is a bump in the road. I can change..." Derek suggested warmly.

"Don't do that. Don't go McDreamy on me. It messes with my head. I know you have good intentions, but Derek, I am giving up. I finally realized it. It's okay to admit we couldn't do it. It makes us stronger knowing that he had to give it up. We weren't meant to make it. You hurt me, I hurt you back. We need to get out while we're young. We can't spend the next forty years in hell because of Liam. It isn't fair to him and eventually we will have animosity." Meredith explained as she cried.

"I don't want to end it..." Derek said softly.

"Derek, please don't do this. This is breaking my heart. Everyday I feel a little more dead inside. If you love me... If you care, you will sign the papers. We'll make this as easy as possible. You can have it all. I just want out. And if you love me... You will let me out." Meredith told him as she looked into his eyes. "I have to go check on my patient."

"I- Okay." Derek replied with a nod as she walked away.

She gave up. He had no way to changed anything. She had already made her decision. She wanted out. His heart broke. He loved her more than life. She was his soulmate. He loved her so much, he would do anything for her. Even if what she wanted was the last thing he wanted. Even if she wanted him to let her go.

----------------

Meredith stumbled into the dark house with her son. She had spent the whole day avoiding almost everyone at the hospital. Her friends were asking her questions. They were asking her questions that she refused to answer. It was no one's business but she and Derek's. And she definitely wasn't in the mood to hear Cristina's opinion.

"Leelee... I am going to get you some dinner. Then mama needs to give you a bath and take one herself. Is that okay, big guy?" She asked as she sat him down and grabbed out a jar of baby food. "I hope this is what's best... I hope I didn't make a mistake." Meredith told him as she spooned a bite for him. "You are my big guy, and I have to take care of you. Mama can't take care of you if she is always worried about daddy... I miss him... Leelee... Miss the way your daddy was. He was a good guy."

Meredith went through the motions. She bathed Liam, and she laid back in the tub herself. She wanted to let go. She wanted to slid under the water. Instead she went to a happier place. She went to the place that made her happy. She went to her vault of memories. The good ones.

[i_"Mer... Honey, are you home?" Derek yelled loudly as he walked into the house. _

_He had done three procedures, but still made it out of there before dark. Coming home to his wife and son was the highlight of his day. They were the light of him life. They were all he thought about every minute of the day._

_Everyone knew. He told everyone about his amazing family. He told everyone how lucky he was to have a healthy wife and son. He carried pictures in his wallet. He even had one in the pocket of his lab coat. They were the ones. The ones that everyone was envious of._

_"Upstairs..." Meredith said quickly, hearing his voice._

_Derek dropped his bag and threw off his coat before running up the stairs. He needed to kiss his son's sweet face. He needed to feel his baby soft skin and look into his blue eyes. Derek rushed into the nursery, seeing Liam taking a nap. He bent down and gave Liam a soft kiss._

_"Daddy loves you..." He muttered softly before walking out of the room. "Where are you, honey?" Derek asked as he made his way towards their room._

_"In here..." Meredith said seductively as she heard his footsteps getting closer._

_"Wow." Derek said as he looked up at her. _

_It didn't take much. He felt his cock start to rise as he looked at her, laying on the bed. She was in a see-through black baby doll and a tiny g-string. Her nipples were pressing hard through the fabric. The light from the red sunset shown on her soft skin, glowing brightly. His pants tightened as he looked at her soft hair laying on her shoulders. He could almost see the wet spot in her panties as he neared. It had been too long. This was the first time since Liam was born. And he had been waiting._

_"You look amazing" Derek told her as he pulled off his shirt and continued towards the bed._

_"Addison gave me the okay today." She told him as she leaned back, her legs spread for him._

_"Fuck, baby..." Derek moaned as he undid his pants._

_"Oh, Derek!" Meredith giggled as she saw his hard member poking through his boxers._

_"I need you." Derek explained as he climbed into their bed, leaving a trail of clothing through their room. "You look amazing."_

_"I want you, Derek." Meredith moaned as she felt him touch her softly._

_"You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this." Derek told her as he pushed her back and ran his hands down her smooth body._

_"I know. Believe me, I know." Meredith agreed as his lips crashed hers. Meredith moaned as his tongue slid into her mouth. She gently rubbed hers against his, before running it along his mouth, tasting every inch of him._

_"As beautiful as this is..." Derek muttered as he looked at her hard nipples poking against the fabric. "I think you would look much better without it." Derek quickly grabbed the bottom of the baby doll and pulled it over her head. He gasped at how beautiful she was. "You look amazing. I have never seen you more beautiful."_

_"Oh, Derek..." She moaned as she laid her head back, her hair cascading on her shoulders. Derek began pecking soft kisses down her collarbone. She could feel his tongue sliding across her lavender scented flesh. He took a nipple in his mouth and ran his tongue around it. Breast feeding had done amazing things to her. Derek ran his cheek against her nipple before abandoning it for a sweeter place. He slowly ran his tongue down her abdomen and lapped her naval. His tongue slipped and slid, stopping at her bikini line. _

_"These need to come off." Derek told her as he wrapped his fingers around the g-string and pulled it off and tossed it aside. "Perfection..." He said as he looked at her soft ahir. Derek leaned down and ran his tongue down one lip and up the other. "You taste so good..." He moaned as he licked his wet lips._

_"Oh god, Derek!" Meredith moaned as she felt his tongue play with her clit. Derek ran his tongue up and down, and side to side causing her to writhe. Just when he felt her begin to throb, he thrust his hard member deep into her tight pussy._

_"It's been way too long, baby." Derek moaned as he felt the warmth of her tightness around him. His hands rested on either side of her body as his eyes looked into hers._

_"Yeah..." Meredith agreed as she felt his thick length slide in and out gently. "You are perfect..." She moaned as she ran her hands down his back and rubbed his ass._

_"Oh honey..." Derek groaned as he picked up his pace, and flicked her clit with a finger._

_"Oh god, Derek. Oh, oh, OH!" She yelped as she felt her walls clench down and pulsate around his thick mass._

_"Oh god, baby!" Derek yelled loudly as he felt her contract around him. He quickly picked up his pace and worked her harder. "I'm cumming, honey. I'm cumming." Derek yelled loudly as he felt his cock pulsate hard. "Fuck..."_

_"Oh god... Oh god!" Meredith yelled as she came for a second time with him. "Oh...Oh...Ah..." She moaned as she laid her head back and panted._

_"Oh." Derek grunted loudly as he collapsed on top of her._

_"It will always be like this." Meredith told Derek reassuringly._

_"Yes it will." Derek agreed as he kissed her shoulder softly.[/i_

Meredith heard the doorbell. She wasn't answering. She couldn't. She couldn't face anyone, no matter who it was. Liam was asleep beside her. And Derek wasn't home. She was sure he wasn't coming home. She had no reason to get up. All she could do was cry. Cry for all that was lost.

As Meredith laid there, she heard footsteps. The smallest part of her was hoping it as an ax murderer coming to put her out of her misery. But she couldn't have that. She couldn't leave her son. No matter how much pain she was in, she couldn't abandon Liam. She knew it wasn't Derek. It couldn't be Derek.

"Why didn't you answer the door?" Cristina asked as she walked into Meredith's room. She had used her spare key.

"I don't want to talk." Meredith said frankly as she rubbed Liam's sleeping head.

"You'd rather sit here and feel sorry for yourself?" Cristina asked as she rolled her eyes.

"Let's see... I asked my husband for a divorce. My life is shit. Yes. For once I'd like to lay here and feel sorry for myself. Is that okay with you?" Meredith snapped. "Because I know that I don't want to hear it from you. All you do is talk about yourself. All you do is whine and complain. And I don't need you telling me that my husband is an asshole. Or that this is the best thing I have ever done. Or even that this is a huge mistake. I don't want to hear anything about it. I just want to lay here and feel like I should die.

"Wow." Cristina said in shock as she looked at Meredith. "I- I was just going to say I'm here for you and whatever." Cristina told her quickly.

"Oh." Meredith answered quietly.

"I'm your person." Cristina said as she started to climb into the bed.

"Take your shoes off this time." Meredith told her with a sigh.

"We don't have to hug and stuff, right?" Cristina asked as she looked at Meredith's sad eyes.

"No." Meredith replied in a dull tone. "We don't have to hug."

"Are you going to cry?" She asked as she looked at Liam and back up at Meredith.

"I might." Meredith admitted as she felt the tears coming.

"Okay. I guess that's okay." Cristina said with a nod.

"Derek is right." Meredith muttered as she climbed out of the bed. "Liam should be in his crib. He doesn't need to hear me cry."

Meredith picked her son up and walked down the hall. He saved her. He didn't even know that everyday he saved her from herself. She loved the way he smelled. She loved they way he soft skin felt against hers. She gave him a soft kiss before placing him in his crib and giving him a soft kiss on the head.

"I have to admit, I'm in shock that you asked for a divorce." Cristina said frankly.

"It was time." Meredith muttered as she crawled back into the bed and pulled the covers up. "I can't take the pain anymore."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think this would happen. Even after all the crap I gave you about him... I never thought this would happen. I know how you feel. Not completely, but Burke... He just left. He just in the middle of the night. He said he couldn't stand to be around me. And this is different. But it still hurts." Cristina admitted with a frown.

"Wow. That was deep for you." Meredith told her with a chuckle.

"No kidding. Now I need to go to bed." Cristina said as she rolled over and closed her eyes.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed with a frown.

"Mer..." Cristina said softly.

"Hmm?" She asked with a moan.

"It will be okay. It really will be." Cristina told her with a sigh.

"I hope so." Meredith mumbled as she wiped the silent tears.

Meredith laid there awake. She couldn't sleep. All she could do was lay there and wonder what was going to happen. She wondered if she was making a mistake. But it was too late. She had to stop the pain. She had to stop it before she died.

Derek stumbled into the dark house. He wasn't even sure if he should come home. But he did. Maybe he was glutton for punishment. Maybe he was destined to suffer. He dropped his things by the door and walked up the stairs. He would just have to see what came of it. He didn't know whether to sleep next to her, or hide away. His question was answered when he saw Cristina in his bed. He had been so distracted, he didn't even realize her bike was there. That answered his question. Derek walked into the guest room. He was just as broken as she.

_**Have you noticed... I hate writing author's notes... Review!**_


	18. People Are Noticing

Meredith stumbled down the stairs. She was dressed, but she was far from ready. Her mind was everywhere. She hadn't slept well. Then again, she never slept well anymore. She hadn't slept a peaceful nights sleep in months. Not since before Liam was born. Her best sleep was when he was still safe in her womb and Derek was holding her tightly.

She was shocked when she came down the stairs and saw Derek eating his muesli at the table. She wasn't sure what to do. Cristina was in the shower. Liam was sleeping. And here she was. She was stuck with Derek. Alone. With her husband. Or soon to be ex.

"Good morning." Derek said with a faint smile as he looked up.

"Morning." Meredith replied as she grabbed a cup of coffee.

She didn't want to sit across from him. How do you? How do you sit across from someone who you asked for a divorce, and act like everything is okay? You don't. And if you do, you don't do it very well. Meredith stirred her coffee and begrudgingly sat down at the table.

"This is what you want?" Derek asked as he looked at her. "A divorce... End it all?"

"Yeah." Meredith muttered without looking at him. "It's what I want." Meredith muttered sadly as she lifted the cup to her mouth.

"You don't want to try?" Derek asked as he bore a hole into her skull. "We could get help. We could work on it..."

"Why?" She asked as she looked at him. "So that I can try by myself. I have been. And damn-it, I am tired of doing it. I am done, Derek. I'm young. And I-"

"You want to move on. You want to dump me off." Derek said angrily.

"No. I just don't want to wake up in twenty years and be in the same position." She told him with a clenched jaw. "And I don't believe you. I don't think you will try. I don't believe that you would try. You would have already. So I am done, Derek." They both got quiet when they looked up, seeing Cristina.

"Wow... This is awkward." She said as she looked at them both, then made her coffee.

"Was Liam awake?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Cristina.

"Like I checked. I am not Stinky's keeper." Cristina pointed out as she sat down.

"Don't fucking call him that." Meredith snapped as she stood up from the chair.

"He was fast asleep when I got up." Derek pointed out so that she would know that he checked.

"I'm sure he's awake now." Meredith said quickly as she made her way upstairs.

"So..." Cristina muttered at Derek.

"I don't want to hear it. I don't need to hear about how you know this would happen. Or that you think it's the best thing in the world." Derek spat as he looked up at her.

"Geez... What is with you people? I wasn't going to say anything." Cristina said with a sigh.

"We just know how you work." Derek told her frankly as he sat there, looking at his cereal.

"You are my big guy... Mama loves you so much." Meredith squealed as she carried him into the kitchen. "Is that daddy? Are you looking at Daddy?" Meredith asked as she held him close. He looked at her with furrowed brows and began to cry, sticking his fist in his mouth. "Do your teeth hurt, buddy?" She asked softly as she walked to the freezer and grabbed a wet cloth.

"I'll take him." Derek said with a smile as he held his hands out. Meredith slowly walked over and handed him to Derek.

"Don't let him choke on that." Meredith said frankly.

"I am not an idiot, Mer." Derek said quickly as he played with his son. Liam looked up at Derek with awe as he grabbed his face with his free hand. "You are getting so big!" Derek said with a smile. "Do you want some breakfast?" Derek asked as he sat him in the highchair and walked over to the refrigerator. "Cold applesauce for the teeth and food for the belly." He said as he sat back down.

It broke Meredith's heart as she sat there. He was hurting her. To watch him with his son killed her. But she knew that it wasn't him. She knew that Derek wasn't always like this. He was too busy. And this was a last-stitch effort to make her change her mind. She was getting frustrated. Even of seeing Derek with his son was the sweetest thing, she was still angry.

"Mamamama..." Liam yelled loudly as he looked up at Meredith and held out his hands.

"Holy shit! Did he just say what I think he said?" Cristina asked in shock.

"He's talking to you!" Derek said in shock as he looked at her.

"Oh my god. He is. He's been rambling nonsense lately. But I think he actually said it!" Meredith giggled as she ran over to him.

"Mamamaaaaa!" He yelled as he spit applesauce out.

"You are such a big guy!" Meredith said happily.

She looked over at Derek. She could tell her was hurt. Liam's first word was mama. And naturally it would be. Derek wasn't around enough for him to hear it. At first Meredith would hold out a picture of Derek and say dada, but she quickly gave up on that, figuring it did no good.

"Leelee... Can you say dada?" Meredith asked as she poked his nose.

"Mamamaaaaa." He mumbled as he looked around.

"Dada." Meredith repeated.

"Mama." Liam retorted as he looked at her.

"He's actually talking." Meredith said in shock.

"That's our boy..." Derek said as he pulled her over and kissed her on the cheek.

He was doing it. He was pulling her in with his McDreaminess. The kiss was so soft and innocent. All she wanted to do was bask in her son's new accomplishment and melt into Derek's kiss. But she couldn't. He let her down. Over and over he let her down. And she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't be hurt. She couldn't do that to Liam. He couldn't never see his mom happy again.

"No." Meredith said softly as she pulled looked at Derek out of the corner of her eye.

"I'm sorry... I-" Derek stated quickly as he looked up at her.

"Liam is still hungry." Meredith told him out of the blue, trying to change the subject.

"Mer-" Derek said softly as he leaned in and breathed on her ear.

"I can't do it, Derek." Meredith muttered as she looked away.

"I'm going to get ready..." Cristina lied as she stood from the table and quickly walked off.

"Meredith what are you doing? What are we doing? This isn't us." Derek stated frankly as he looked up at her.

"You can't do this, okay. I will not do this to our son!" She growled as she moved away.

"It's always that. That is always your excuse. It's a piss poor one. A child needs both of his parents. We took vows. You don't just walk away from that. He needs his parents together." Derek told her frankly as he fed Liam.

"Mamamama..." Liam giggled as he looked up.

"No, Derek. You have no idea. No idea. I remember. I remember my mom and dad fighting. I remember how it felt. They didn't love each other anymore. There was always tension in the air. It was like the air was sucked out when they were together. And he left. My mom most likely drove him out, but he left. And as bad as that was, I think he was trying to save me from the hostile situation." Meredith explained.

"First of all, we still love each other. We have problems, but we love each other! And tell me how your father _abandoning_ you fits into any of this. The guy was an asshole. He left you. He was a coward who ran out and left you with her. Left you with her, and with Ray. He left, Mer. That's not being a good guy. If he cared, he would have fought. There is no way that Liam is better off... Open your eyes!" He spat as he looked at her.

"You have no right, Derek! No right. You came from the fucking perfect family. You don't know what it's like. You can't sit there and tell me. You can't tell my what it's like to have two parents at each other's throats. My mother hated my father. And I am a piece of him. So she hated me. You had the easy life. Dinner at five, and bed at ten. I didn't have that. I had shit. And my father- You have no right!" She yelled as she walked away.

"Mamama!" Liam cried out as he threw up his hands for her.

"Daddy just keeps messing up..." Derek told his son as he rubbed his head.

Derek was raised not to give up. He was raised to believe that it was in sickness and health. In good times and bad times. And now she was so willing to throw in the towel. He couldn't talk to her. She wasn't willing. And she was right, every time they did end up in a fight. As he looked into his son's eyes, he never felt so guilty. He let Liam down.

Meredith stormed away. Derek did not know what it was like to live in a bad situation. She didn't want Liam to feel the constant tension that seemed to lay around them like a thick, damaging fog. If she could not think about Derek... If she could cut herself off... Then she could focus solely on her little boy. And in her mind, that was what she was going to do.

Cristina slowly came down the stairs. She looked at Meredith standing in the great room, looking out the window. She truly never thought this would happen to Meredith and Derek. She never thought she would see the fall of their so happy, so envied relationship. Meredith glanced over and walked back into the kitchen.

"I will take him to daycare." Derek said softly as he finished feeding him the applesauce. "LP, you ate big!"

"He will cry. He won't be happy. I'll take him." She said as she wiped his face with the damp cloth. He looked up at her and giggled loudly.

"He's my son too. I want to take him." Derek told her frankly. "I want to spend time with him."

"Fine." Meredith replied. She wanted to take him. He was all she had, and now it seemed Derek wanted to take him from her too. "Go to the attorney's today... Please."

"Meredith... You need to think about this." Derek said quickly.

"Derek... I have been thinking about this for a half a year. I know what I want. Go to the attorney's." She said as she took a sip of her coffee and spilled the rest into the sink.

"You're not going to eat breakfast?" Derek asked with concern.

"I've lost my appetite." Meredith mumbled before she grabbed her keys and walked off.

-------------------------

Cristina rode with Meredith. She had never seen her so tense. Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel, and her jaw was clenched tightly. She was mad. She was upset. The more Cristina looked at her, the more she saw that Meredith was truly conflicted inside. She wasn't sure what to do. Meredith was saying what she supposedly wanted, but she didn't really know what she wanted in her heart.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" Cristina asked as she looked over. "Divorcing Derek..."

"Yes." Meredith growled. "Yes, this is what I want."

"You don't think you are rushing into it?" She asked frankly.

"Are you kidding me? You of all people..." Meredith spat as she hit the brakes at the red light. "You haven't been living it."

Everyone thought she was rushing into her decision. But in her mind, she wasn't. In her mind she was stopping the hurt. She went through the sleepless nights. She laid in the bed, wondering if he would come home. She wondered if there was someone else. She wondered what was so important that he couldn't see his son before bed. So in her mind, no she wasn't rushing. She was trying to put herself out of her misery.

"Well, I just know that I can't sit around and listen to you bitch and complain if your life isn't perfect. So don't screw it up." Cristina said frankly as she crossed her arms.

"Thanks... Thanks for that." Meredith said nastily. "I wouldn't want you to have to support your friend or anything."

"I'm just saying..." Cristina muttered.

"Well don't say a thing." She responded as they pulled into the hospital parking lot.

Meredith and Cristina didn't say a word as they walked into the hospital. Even Cristina knew when to stay away from her and shut her mouth. It seemed Meredith had gotten stronger. Now she stood up for herself. And even if she was being stupid. And even if she was making the best decision of her life. It was hers. Meredith stormed into the locker room and threw her locker door open.

"What's going on?" Alex muttered with a chuckle.

"Mer... Are you okay?" Izzie asked as Meredith pulled her clothes off and began changing.

She wasn't taking care of herself. Everyone looked at her as she stood there in her bra and panties. She just didn't look like Meredith anymore. She had been looking good. She had been working out and toning up. But now she just looked pale and underweight. She was not taking care of herself, and it was obvious.

"She doesn't look okay." George pointed out as she pulled her scrub top and two undershirts over her head.

"Fuck." Meredith spat quickly. "I'm on neuro rotation. Isn't that fucking perfect? With asshole." Meredith asked as she slammed her door shut.

"Meredith... You need to relax. Your blood pressure is up. I can almost see your jugular pulsating." Izzie said quickly.

"I'm fine. I am so fucking fine." She growled as she waled out of the locker room in a huff. "Where are my worthless interns?" She yelled loudly as she stormed down the hall.

"Did she and Shepherd have a fight?" Alex asked quickly.

"When don't she and Shepherd have a fight?" Izzie asked with a sigh.

"You have a point." Alex agreed with a frown. "Did you see-"

"How skinny she is?" George asked. "She looks horrible."

"She is really thin... Is she eating?" Izzie asked Cristina.

"How the hell would I know?" Cristina spat as she rushed off. "I'm not her keeper."

Cristina was worried. She was worried about her person. She would never admit it, but she was concerned. Meredith was thin. Way too thin. And she was looking gaunt. She was looking weak. She was afraid that her person was letting herself fade away. And she couldn't let that happen.

"Wow... I never thought I would see Meredith and Derek end up this way." George said sadly.

"Life changes at any second. No one is perfect." Izzie said with a frown as she walked off.

"Mer went from hot to... Not. Wow." Alex said with a shrug as he walked off.

George stood there in shock. He didn't know how, but they had to help her. They had to make her see everything clearly. Not just the bad, but the good too. George knew that there was still good. Derek would always love her. And she needed to see that. She needed to think about what she was doing.


	19. To Sign?

Meredith sat in her great room. The television was on, but she was not. Liam was resting in her arms. He had spent most of the day crawling around like crazy and exhausting himself. She could barely keep up with him. And she was always worried. He was constantly bumping his head on something. There was only so much she could to do protect him. And he was her only concern.

As she looked down at his sleeping form, she knew what she was doing was right. She had to be his advocate. And she was not going let him listen to their yelling. The yelling. The swearing. It was too much. He may be saying Mama now, but soon enough it would be fuck and shit. And that was not right. She snapped out of her fog when she heard the doorbell ring. Liam stirred slightly and then shifted farther against her. She softly sat him down and walked to the door.

She felt besieged. They were there. Her friends. The interns. Residents now. But they would always be interns to her. Alex. George. Izzie. Even Cristina. At her doorstep. She swallowed hard as she opened the door, letting them in. It felt like and attack. Already, it felt rough.

"What are you guys doing here?" Meredith asked as she stepped back.

"Mer... How are you?" Izzie asked softly.

"You didn't seem well this morning. We are worried." George pointed out. "I think you need to talk. About this. About what you are doing."

"Oh, I see. You guys are my shrinks now." Meredith mumbled as she walked over to the sofa to check on Liam.

"We're worried, Mer." George stated with a frown. "You aren't happy. You're our friend. We just want to make sure you are okay."

"I am fine." Meredith growled as she rubbed Liam's head.

"You are not fine, Mer. You are not fine." Alex pointed out. "Your life is falling apart. And you are not fine."

"It's my life." Meredith stated frankly. "Not yours. Not yours to worry about."

"Maybe you and Derek should try to work things out." Izzie suggested softly.

"No! You can't do that. You can't sit there and say that shit. You told me to give up. And you were right." Meredith spat. "I am done. I don't want to talk about it. It's not your goddamn business. Leave it alone."

"You are an idiot, you know that?" Cristina spat. "If you used your brain..."

"And you aren't healthy. This whole divorce thing is killing you. Look at yourself!" George chimed in.

"What is wrong with me?" Meredith snapped.

"You aren't even there anymore. Do you eat, Mer? Do you ever eat?" Izzie asked. "You can't weigh a hundred pounds."

"You used to look great. And then you were working out... You started getting thiner. You don't eat. We see you. You never eat. If you are trying to get Derek to notice you... This isn't the way. You are killing yourself. It's not worth it. You can't go on like this." Alex told her frankly.

"Alex is right, Mer. You are pale. You look so unhealthy. You are letting yourself go because you feel like you have nothing. We are all here for you." George told her quickly.

"Don't stand here and psychoanalyze me! I am not- What the hell! You come to my house and attack me now? Don't worry about me! I am fine. I am fine! Go. Get out of here. I'm taking my son to bed, and when I come back down here, you guys better be gone." Meredith yelled as she scooped Liam up and walked up the stairs.

"Wow." Alex said in shock. "This is not good."

"I think she is going to give up." Cristina said frankly.

"You think she will kill herself?" George asked in a panic.

"No! Mer wouldn't do that to Liam." Izzie said quickly.

"She's done. With us. With Derek. She's cutting herself from everyone. And I don't think we can stop her." Cristina told them frankly as she turned to walk out. They all dropped their heads and walked with her, leaving the house.

Meredith collapsed on her bed. How could they do that to her? How could they sit there and judge her? How could they attack her? As the tears fell, she felt so alone. Everyone was on the other side. And here she was. Just she and Liam. While they sat on the other side and stared. While they judged her, she just tried to survive.

------------

Derek sat in the driver's seat of his Land Rover. He wasn't happy. He was sick. Physically ill. He stared. It was raining. How perfect that it was raining. It was that kind of day. The end of the world. It felt like the end of the world. He stared. Looking at the raindrops falling on the windshield. Dropping and sliding down, out of sight. Like his life. He couldn't help but think back to a week ago. A week ago when he started this mess.

[iShe pushed. The never ending push. Go to the attorney's. He followed her around. He tried to talk to her. Everyone tried to talk to her. There was no talking. She yelled. Or ignored completely. She had gotten quite good at that. She was good at cutting herself off from the world. Shutting down.

Derek sat in a chair in the office. He didn't want to be there. He didn't want to talk about this. They were talking about the game plans. Jack Davis couldn't seem to get it through his head. He couldn't understand that Derek wanted this painless. She could have it all. He never wanted to hurt her. Even if she was killing him.

"I just want a collaborative divorce. Undisputed." Derek said frankly.

"You want her to have everything... That is far too generous of you." Jack said with a nod. "You may have a shot. At least you could keep your own assets."

"I don't even want this. I am just giving her what she wants." Derek stated frankly as he looked up. "Besides, she came in with far more than I did."

"So you may have a stake in her assets." Jack suggested with a smile.

"Look. I just told you, I do not want to dispute this. Period. I just want to get it over with." Derek said solemnly.

"If that is truly what you want... I will call her attorney and we can set up a meeting. To sign." Jack suggested.

"That's fine. Just let me know when I need to be here." Derek muttered as he stood up.[/i

As Derek sat there, he knew he was making a mistake. He did not want a divorce. But he didn't want to see her in pain And she insisted that she was in pain. So he was there, sitting in his car waiting. Minutes and seconds ticked by. He waited. Five o'clock. At five o'clock, his life would end.

He hadn't told anyone. No one. He wasn't sure who knew. Everyone at the hospital knew what was going on. But they didn't know that they were going through with it. And Lynn had no idea. He was afraid to tell her. His mother was fierce, and there was no question that she would be upset and angry. They would all find out. Eventually.

Derek looked up. She pulled her Black Jeep Commander into the parking lot. This was her attorney's office. The firm that John was with. How fitting. A lump formed in his throat. When he was here before, he never thought he would be back. Not under these circumstances.

Derek watched as she exited her car and walked towards the building. What hurt him the most was that he let John down. His mind drifted to that day. He promised John he would take care of her. He failed. When he wasn't supposed to, he failed miserably. And now he couldn't do anything about it. He was doing the best he could. He was doing what she wanted.

Derek walked to the building. It was the slowest walk of his life. His personal hell. He was a dead man walking. Maybe that was dramatic, but it was the truth. This was his last walk. He tried to tell her that, but she didn't care. She didn't care that he was dying inside at the thought of losing her. He placed his hand on the doorknob and turned it. This was it.

He walked into the office. He hated the antique desks and leather chairs. He hated this place. She as he got ready to sit down in a waiting chair, he saw his attorney wave him in from the open office door. He was sick. He wasn't sure how it got to this point. It should have never went this far. As he walked in, he looked at Meredith. She looked a mess. She was a mess. She was thin and pale. Her clothes hung loosely on her body. She was a shadow of Meredith Grey he knew, standing before him.

"Dr. Shepherd." Her attorney, Jason Giles said with a smile as he stuck his hand out. Derek didn't like this man. He had no real reason. He was a plain man, slightly balding. He was apparently a new partner in the firm. He took John's place. That was ironic. The man to take her husband's spot would take his life.

"Mr. Giles." Derek responded with a faint smile as he looked up. He wanted to tear his face off. Bodily harm was high on his list.

"I think we all agree that this needs to be done and quickly and as painlessly as possible." Jack Davis said with a nod as they sat down at the large table.

"Yes, I think we all agree on that. Water?" Jason Giles asked as he began pouring glasses.

She sipped her water. It looked like that was all she was living on. Meredith wouldn't look at him. She couldn't. He noticed it from the beginning. She had so much fire in her the last several weeks. And now she was quiet and reserved. Part of him was feeling bad. And that was truly a lie. All of him was feeling bad. She couldn't look at him, because she couldn't face what she was doing to him and herself. Well, that's what he hoped.

Meredith sat quietly. She wasn't listening. She was in her own little world. The repercussions of her actions hadn't quite hit her yet. She had no idea what it was to truly be alone one hundred percent of the time. She had no idea what she was doing. She went from John to Derek. They took care of the bills. They took care of the financial aspects. She never had to deal with everything. And now she would. Now it was all in her lap.

"I have to say..." Jason Giles started as he read some paperwork before him. "I am a little surprised that you are willing to give Meredith sole custody of Liam Patrick Shepherd with visitation for yourself every other weekend." Jason said in shock as he looked up at Derek. "That is a very generous offer."

"What!" Meredith spat as she came out of her daze. "What do you mean?"

"Derek thought it would be best if you had custody of your son. The demands of his job are great and unpredictable. And you are his mother." Jack stated nonchalantly.

"Oh..." Meredith gasped as she jumped out of her chair and left the room.

Derek fought the urge to chase her. He wanted nothing more than to chase her down and hold her in his arms. But it wasn't his place. They were at an odd place in their relationship. If he were to chase after her, he was afraid it would be more detrimental than anything. So he sat. He watched his wife disappear from the room in obvious pain.

It may seem cold. But Derek thought he was doing the right thing. He knew how strong Meredith's relationship with Liam was. He didn't want to fight her. He didn't want to try and take him away from his mother every other week, he was just too young for that. Especially when his job could call him away at any moment. He had no friends or family he could call to take care of their son in an emergency. He couldn't do it. And he couldn't do it to her.

Meredith ran down the hallway to the bathroom. That was the final straw. That killed her. He gave up. He didn't fight for either of them. As much as she pushed, she thought he would push back. But he didn't. He let her bulldoze him flat to the ground. And now she was alone. He didn't even want Liam. He didn't care enough to try. And that was what hurt her the most.

"Meredith... Are you okay?" She heard Jason Giles ask softly from outside the door.

"Fine." Meredith croaked as she tried to stop her cries.

"You don't sound so great. Is there something I need to know. Have you changed your mind?" He asked with concern. Meredith wiped the tears from her eyes and slowly opened the door.

"I just thought he would fight for his son." Meredith said sadly. "Let's just get this done. As quickly as possible."

"Okay." Jason agreed as they walked down the hallway.

"Is everything okay?" Jack asked as he looked up at them.

"Yes. We just need to get this done." Jason said frankly.

They quickly rambled it off. Meredith got the house. She got everything. Their joint bank accounts would be split down the middle. Their cars would remain theirs. Derek would get his belongings that were agreed upon. Meredith kept all of her assets from John. And her name, she was giving that back to him. It was all there in black and white. All they needed to do was sign.

**I fractured my wrist... So updates... We shall see!**


	20. Over

All they had to do was sign. How hard was that. Just put the pen to the paper. Pen to paper and move it. And yet, Derek was having a hard time. There was a painful pause. The pen would not move. It refused to move. His mind drifted off to better times. The pen remained in his hand.

_[i"Push, Mer. You're doing good." Derek said as he wipe her forehead with a cold washcloth._

_"Okay, relax." Addison said with a smile as she looked up._

_"Good job, honey." Derek told her as he kissed her head._

_"I'm sorry for yelling. Ahh, shit! Never again, Derek. NEVER!" She yelled as pain ripped through her. "I hate you Derek. You and your stupid boy PENIS!"_

_"Mer-" Derek laughed at her comment._

_"You think that's funny? Fuck you, Derek." She yelled as she grabbed the magazine by her bedside, and start beating him with it._

_"Ouch. Mer, stop. Stop!" Derek shouted as he ducked away._

_"I can't do this. I can't. He's some kind of beast..." She moaned breathlessly._

_"Meredith, you need to really push this time. Push again. One more time." Addison told her._

_"Oh, Mer, he's almost here." Derek said with a big smile._

_"Okay, last push. Make this one count! Good job!" She squealed as she lifted the baby up. "Welcome to the world, baby Shepherd!"_

_"Meredith, he is beautiful." Derek cried out._

_"Oh my God, he's perfect! " She told him as she started to bawl. "Derek, he looks just like you."_

_"I never thought this would happen. I would have never guessed two years ago that I would meet the love of my life, and we would have a perfect child. You are undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much. I am so proud of you. Thank you, Meredith. Thank you for giving me this gift, our son." Derek told her as he kissed them both._

_"I'm sorry I yelled. I love you. And looking at him, and you, I want a whole flock of Shepherds." She told him happily._

_"Really?" Derek said with a chuckle._

_"Really. I was so worried. Worried he wouldn't make it. Worried that I wouldn't make it. Worried that you wouldn't be happy. Worried that I wouldn't be able to love him. Worried I wouldn't be able to work. But now, seeing him. I don't care. You and him, you're my life. You're my family. You're my everything." Meredith told him warmly.[/i_

They would never have that. They would never have their flock. Neither of them held up their end of the bargain. That was the happiest day of his life. The day that Liam was born. Derek painfully scratched his name across the paper. He just sighed away his present and future. He signed everything away. This was what she wanted. He looked up and her, and dropped the pen. He had to get out of there. He couldn't breathe.

Meredith watched as he left. He was upset. But she could understand it. He wasn't used to the idea. But she had time. This has been painfully lingering in her head for awhile. She laid awake at night, just willing the pain to go away. But it never did. The pain continued to bore a hole through her heart.

He signed. He signed the papers. He wanted it. Meredith lifted the pen to the paper. She wished it wasn't like this. But things don't change over night. They had been sliding down a slippery slope for a long time. The downfall to their relationship was coming. Their demise had been more than evident. She couldn't help but think back to the past. Back to the day that hurt her the most.

[_iDerek tossed and turned. It was early. He never slept this early. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was the man. Craig. He was the problem. He hit his pillow. He tossed. He turned. He grumbled. No sleep._

_"God! Can't you stop that? I'm trying to freaking sleep!" Meredith spat._

_"Imagine that. So am I." Derek responded nastily._

_"What is your problem? You're the one keeping me awake. I am silent over here." She said as she turned and looked at him. _

_"Are you kidding me... What is my problem... What was he doing here?" Derek asked frankly._

_"What? Who?" Meredith asked._

_"Craig! What the fuck was he doing in my house?" Derek asked._

_"Last I checked, this was my house too." Meredith spat as she sat up. "And Craig is my friend. If I want my friend over, I will have him over."_

_"A man. In my house. When I am not here." Derek grumbled._

_"How very caveman of you, Derek. He brought me soup. Something my husband should do." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes and let her head fall on the pillow._

_"He's a man..." Derek muttered. He didn't like this, not at all._

_"You're right... He is." Meredith agreed._

_"What the fuck does that mean?" Derek asked quickly._

_"Take it how you want to." Meredith said frankly._

_"Are you fucking him Mer?" Derek asked as he turned and looked at her._

_"Fuck you, Derek!" Meredith screamed as she slapped him in the face. "Get out! Get out!" She yelled as she shoved him out of the bed. "Get out!"[/i_

That hurt. Derek knew that Meredith would never cheat on him. But that day when he said that killed her. She would never do that to him. He didn't trust her. He wouldn't give her the love she needed. And she couldn't get it from anyone else because she loved him. She had to stop. She had to cut herself off. So she did. Meredith quickly scratched her name across the white sheet. She couldn't hang around. She needed air.

------------------

Derek rushed outside. The feeling in the pit of his stomach was enough to kill him. It made him completely and utterly sick. Everything he knew was changing. His life was taking a turn in another direction. His life was taking a big leap into a dark place that he didn't want to jump into. He rushed to his car. He couldn't stay there. He couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with any of it.

Derek jumped in his car. He couldn't risk seeing her. Right now he couldn't look into those green eyes. The green eyes that meant so much to him. The ones that drew him in like a magnet. She drew him in and now she was tossing him aside like trash. Just like old old toys that she was tired of playing with. He quickly started his car and sped off. No where to go. He had nothing.

Going into his house was like a different land. They were no longer together. This wasn't his house anymore. Hers. All hers. It suffocated him. It took the air from his lungs and tried to suck the life from him. His soul lay in her hands where she clutched it tightly. She held it, leaving him a shadow of a man.

Derek grabbed a bag of clothing and his toiletries. He wouldn't be coming back. He wouldn't be returning. It wasn't his place to return to. There were a few things that he would need to collect. But not today. Not anytime soon. Not while the wounds were fresh and bleeding. Derek took one last look of their wedding photo as he rushed down the stairs. Nothing was left. All gone.

A hotel. He had to stay in a hotel. Reality hadn't set in until he put pen to paper. He didn't think that it would be all gone until he saw her face. That was all it took. And now he was a man with everything taken away from him. No family. No home. Just a job. A job that wasn't worth a damn. Not compared to what he lost.

Meredith ran out. She couldn't take it. It went all the way. She thought they wouldn't' do it. She wanted it. Everything in her said sign the papers. But having signed them, she was feeling the sting of loss. The connection between them was severed legally and emotionally. She took a bold step. She took a step that she hoped would make it better. All it did was make her sick.

The drive to Addison's was lonely. The funny thing is, nothing would change. Not a thing would change. He wouldn't be around, just like he hadn't been. And he wouldn't eat dinner with her just like he wasn't. Even knowing that she had lost her husband a long time ago, she was still feeling like she was going home to loneliness. She was going home to nothing tonight.

Meredith pulled through the gated community that used to be hers. Maybe if they hadn't left the house. Maybe they would have been happy. The house had nothing to do with it. She couldn't think that way. It was brick. It was nothing more than a roof and walls. They were the ones guilty of their own demise. Meredith slowly crept to the door. She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget.

"Hey." Addison said with a somber tone. "How did it go?"

"It's over. It's done. I don't want to talk about it." Meredith said frankly. "Hey buddy!" Meredith said feigning happiness as she scooped Liam up. "How is my guy?"

"He was good. He had his dinner. Ate a lot. The kid is a bottomless pit." Addison said with a smile.

"He is." Meredith agreed as she held him tightly to her chest and laid her head against his.

"Do you need to talk?" Addison asked warmly.

"No, Addie. I'm fine. This has been coming for awhile. I just- I want to go." Meredith told her as she packed Liam's bag up and began her walk to the door.

"It will be okay, Meredith." Addison told her as she gave her a slight hug.

"Yeah. I just- No hope here." Meredith muttered as she pulled away and walked to the car.

Meredith went home. She should be strong for her son, but she was having a hard time. How do you act normally when the biggest part of your life was gone. Liam wasn't even a year old. She ruined everything. Mistake after mistake. That was how she went along.

Meredith tried to play with him. He crawled and giggled. He had no idea what was to come. He was a statistic. Growing up in a broken home with a single mom. She tried to hold the tears in. She tried to make life okay. But the house was just too empty. She couldn't even move. She couldn't react. Meredith took a sleepy Liam to his nursery. He needed to rest. He needed to grow. He was her future.

Meredith walked into her room. Their room. They house was built around this room. She remembered the excitement of it all. That house was his dream. It was built on his property. And she stole it all away from him. As she walked by the bathroom, a gasp poured out. His toothbrush was gone. He was gone. Meredith walked over to the bed, using a pillow to muffle her sobs. How do you go on? How?

Derek laid on the hotel bed. He couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling. He should be working. Normally he would be working. He couldn't. He could not go in and do it. He didn't care about paperwork. At the moment, he didn't care about other people's problems. He didn't care. His life was over. And all he could wonder was how he would go on?


	21. Going On

Life had to go on. For Derek, it had to go on. It had to go on because he couldn't not go on. He couldn't lay there. It made him too sick. He had to go back to work. He had to go on. And he did. He went back to work. He tried to go on. But everyday was painful. He thought the pain would dull. It didn't. It grew. It flourished. And he suffered.

Meredith suffered. It was an emotional turmoil that wouldn't go away. It wouldn't stop. She tried to drown it out with Liam. She tried to stop it. It wouldn't. It laughed in her face. She wasn't happy then. She wasn't happy now. She was bound to be miserable. She was bound to live out her days in suffering.

Meredith begrudgingly dropped Liam off at daycare. She hated it. She hated it more than anything. It was a problem. But she wasn't seeing it. She was blinded by love. She was getting attached to Liam. Liam was a replacement for everything she was feeling. Derek was gone, and he was her everything. And everything that she poured into him, just made him more clingy.

"Hey." Izzie said as Meredith walked into the locker room.

"Hey, Iz." Meredith muttered as she sat on the bench.

"Is everything okay?" Izzie asked her as she looked up.

"Yeah. Fine. Just tired." Meredith muttered in monotone as she changed into her scrubs.

"Is it true... What the nurses are saying?" Izzie asked with a frown.

"Dude... Did you and Shepherd really get divorced?" Alex asked with shock as he walked in.

"Of course she divorced McAss." Cristina spat loudly.

"Yes, Derek and I are done." Meredith said quietly as she pulled her lab coat. It was the one that said Dr. Meredith Grey on it.

"Oh my god... Your name." George said in shock.

"You went back?" Izzie questioned with surprise.

"I haven't been Meredith Grey in a very, very long time." Meredith said with a frown. "I need her back."

"Okay then..." Alex said as he turned away.

Meredith hadn't been Meredith Grey since she was eighteen. She hadn't been Meredith Grey in a long time. She was hoping it would change. Maybe she could find the strength to go on as Meredith Grey. She walked into the hallway, seeing the nurses pointing. They were already circling the carcass. And maybe if someone picked him up, she could forget him.

"Dr. Shepherd-- Oh, Grey." Jason Crane said as he looked up at her.

"Is that what we call you now?" Katie Jennison asked as she looked up.

"Is that what it says on my coat?" Meredith snapped, wondering why they were asking her such a stupid question.

"Um...Yeah." Jason said meekly.

"Okay, then." Meredith grumbled as she looked up. "Shit..."

"What..." Katie muttered as she looked up. "Oh my god... Is that?"

"Meredith." Ellis said as she walked up. "I heard." She said quietly.

"You guys go..." Meredith told them. "Gallery."

"Meredith." Ellis repeated as she looked at he daughter. "Let's go..." She told her softly as she walked her to an empty exam room. She walked her in and slowly shut the door. "Is it true?"

"We haven't had a good relationship. If I wasn't hating you, you were hating me. And right now I am in pain. Right now, I can't breathe. I need you to be my mom. I need my mom... Please... I can't take anything else right now." Meredith said as she looked at the floor.

Ellis rushed over to her daughter. What Meredith felt amazed her. Ellis wrapped her warm arms around her, holding her tighter than she ever had. Ellis had never been soft. She had never been caring. But her daughter needed her. She needed her to be a mother. As Ellis ran her hands through her hair, Meredith sobbed. She broke down.

"Oh mommy..." Meredith cried out loudly. "What did I do?"

"I know, baby. I know." Ellis muttered as she held her tightly.

"I- It hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop." Meredith cried out.

"Calm down, baby. Calm down." Ellis said as she held her.

Meredith laid against her mother. They never had that. It was a moment when things would change forever. It was monumental. The feeling that washed over Meredith didn't make the pain go away. But it helped. It helped dull the sting from the self-induced bite. Meredith needed her, and Ellis took care of her daughter.

"I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sorry it came to this. I could never wish this on anyone. With John, I knew... I knew that you didn't want to marry him. I pushed you into it, and I am so sorry I did. But Derek... I thought it was forever. I should have never let Richard make him chief. I should have never let this happen. It's too hard. With a family, it's too damn hard. Damn-it honey, I am so sorry." Ellis said sadly. "I know you love him. And I know he loves you."

"I just don't know how to go on. I don't know how. I go home and I lay in the bed, and I know he isn't coming home. Before, I could hope. Now there is no hope. There is no hope. He will never come home. I drove him away. I couldn't fight. I should have, but I didn't have it in me." Meredith said as she cried.

"That's okay, honey. You can only do what you can do. I know I haven't been a good mother, but I'm here. I am here for you." Ellis said as she stroked her back. "How is my grandson?"

"He's in daycare downstairs. He's good. He's good, mom. He doesn't know... But he will. Someday I will have to tell him." Meredith cried into her hands.

"Meredith... It will be okay." Ellis told her firmly. "I promise. Do you hear me?"

"Yes." Meredith said with a faint nod.

"Are you okay?" Ellis asked softly.

"I will be... I hope." Meredith said with a frown as she to the door. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. That is what I am supposed to do." Ellis said with a smile as Meredith walked out.

------------------

Meredith was sick. She had to work with Derek. She had to be on his service for the day. That was a cruel joke. That was as inhumane as ever. She grabbed her intern and made her way to the patient's room. She had to go in and face a man that she cut out of her life. She had to stand across from him in the operating room. Her stomach flipped it was a mess.

"Dr. Shepherd." Meredith muttered as she walked in.

"Dr. Grey." Derek said frankly.

The tension was high. Jason Crane could barely stand to be in the room. He almost had to take out a knife to see the patient. Derek and Meredith were trying to be cicvil but the pain and anger between them was more than apparent as they glared at each other. It was going to be a fun day. And not in a good way.

"Dr. Crane, can you please present?" Meredith asked him as she shoved the chart at him. "Today." She growled when he didn't answer.

"Oh! Uh... Mrs. Kraygen is in for a possible carpal tunnel release. She has been experiencing hand and wrist pain, along with numbness caused from compression of the medial nerve. Dr. Shepherd may have to open her wrists up and relieve the pressure." Jason explained as he read the chart.

"Good." Derek agreed. "I want you to do an x-ray and a EMG/NCS. Get back to me with the results. So you have any questions, Mrs. Kraygen?" He asked with a smile.

"Well... Are you guys fighting or something? There seems to be a lot of tension in the air." She asked as she looked between the two of them.

"They just got divorce." Jason said quickly.

"Dr. Crane! A word..." Meredith growled as she walked out with him.

"Don't you ever! Ever! Think of doing that again. Your personal life, mine, Derek's, that is no one's business. Period. I don't care. And I never want to see or hear it again. Do you understand me?" She yelled as she glared into his eyes.

"Ye- Yes, Dr. Grey." He replied meekly.

"Go run the damn tests!" She yelled as she pointed to the room.

"I can take you off the case." Derek told her as he walked out.

"Why would you do that?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked into his blue eyes.

"Well, I was just trying to help you out. Trying to keep the tension down." He pointed out frankly.

"There is no tension. I am fine." Meredith growled as she walked away.

"I'm not." Derek muttered under his breath as he watched her walk away.

Meredith wasted time while she waited for the patient to be prepped. She was steaming. He was suggesting that she couldn't handle it. He was basically saying her emotions would get the best of her. She was a surgeon. She was hardcore. She could handle anything. Standing across the table from Derek was nothing. That's what she said. But that didn't explain why she went into the scrub room late to avoid him. That was a while different ball of wax.

"Dr. Grey. How nice of you to join us. Even your intern managed to make it here on time." Derek muttered as he looked up at her.

"Sorry." She grumbled as she stepped up to the table.

"So what was it you were so busy doing?" Derek asked as he looked up.

"I don't think that is any of your business." Meredith told him as she looked at the surgical site.

"Well, considering you were the one that was late, I don't think that question was out of line." Derek told her as he looked up.

"No." She stated, refusing to look up at him. "We are not going there, Derek."

"Dr. Crane... Please explain to the gallery about carpal tunnel syndrome." Derek said quickly.

"Well... Carpal tunnel syndrome is a common problem that affects the use of your hand, and is caused by compression of the median nerve at the wrist. It most often occurs when the median nerve in the wrist becomes inflamed after being aggravated by repetitive movements such as typing on a computer keyboard or playing the piano. The "carpal tunnel" is formed by the bones, tendons and ligaments that surround the median nerve..." He went on. Derek looked at Meredith.

"You know there was a time when you wanted to be in the OR with me. Do you remember that?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Do you remember the time when you actually wanted a family? I think you even said you could quit your job and stay home forever. Do you remember that?" Meredith snapped as she looked up at him.

"It's-" Derek started to defend himself.

"No...We are divorced, Derek. None of this matters anymore." Meredith told him with a sigh.

"It would be nice to know what went wrong. For the future." Derek explained as he worked on the woman's wrist.

"Oh... Are you planning on moving on already?" Meredith asked nastily.

"I didn't say that. But what if I was?" He asked, wanting to see what she would say.

"Oh. I see. You're ready to move on. You couldn't find time for Liam and I, but you are ready to move on to the next. Will you take care of your new family, Derek? Or will you just sleep on your sofa bed?" She asked quickly.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you- You are just going to upset yourself." Derek told her frankly.

"Shut up. Just... Shut the hell up. I can't talk to you." She growled loudly.

"See, you're already getting upset." He pointed out,

"I am not upset. I don't get upset. You- I have no feelings." She spat angrily.

"And now you are lying to yourself too I see." Derek explained as he looked up.

"I don't like you, Derek Shepherd." Meredith said with a frown.

"You did. At one point, you really liked me." Derek said with a chuckle.

"You're an ass. Just stop. Stop talking to me. I am trying to work here." Meredith told him, avoiding his eyes.

"Hmm..." Derek replied with a smile. He just one that battle. But the war... Far from over.

---------------

Meredith changed out of her dirty scrubs. She was on Derek's service all day. Everyone was talking about them. They were the best gossip in ages. The ones that got divorced and argued in the OR. The ones that fought in the hallway. But the worst comment of all, was the one that bothered her the most, they still loved each other. Truer words never rang.

Meredith sleepily walked down the hospital hallway. She was exhausted. It was mental. She could handle the long hours that the hospital threw on her. It was the hours with Derek that sucked the life out of her. Meredith quickly walked in and collected Liam and his things from the daycare. She couldn't wait to get home.

The house was dark. She hated that. The house was always her safe haven. Bit she knew Derek would be home. And now he wasn't. He wouldn't be coming home. Now when she got in the house, a small part of her feared for her safety. Derek was her protector. And now she was alone. In the woods.

Meredith looked down at her smiling son. He looked as if life was perfect. The smile on his face temporarily made her forget all of her pain. It made her forget everything she was feeling. She quickly scooped him up and walked up the stairs. She had to give him a bath. That was something Derek liked to do. Back when he cared.

Liam was cranky when she laid him down. His diaper felt hard and heavy. A frown covered her face when she pulled it off. He was red and raw. Swollen. His diaper felt like it hadn't been changed in hours. She picked it up and threw it in the trash with a thump. This wasn't the first time. But it would be the last.

It was just one more thing to add to her list. Now she had to find a nanny. She hadn't been happy with the care at the hospital. It was okay, but it wasn't for them. It wasn't individualized. Karen had her hands more than full and Liam needed someone that had the time to get to know him.

Meredith took care of Liam and put him to sleep. Her heart broke for him. She couldn't imagine the burning that he was feeling. She felt like a bad mother. What kind of parent lets it get that bad? He should have been taken care of. She shouldn't have to bring him home and bandage him up like a broken mess.

Meredith slowly walked into their room. It was her room. There was no their anymore. In fact, this big house they had built was now hers. All hers. And it was empty. Five bedrooms was far too many for one person and a baby. As Meredith sank down in the hot bath, she thought back.

[i_Meredith laid back in the hot bath water. It was perfect. That was the one thing that she insisted she had. She needed a good bathtub. She needed a place where she could relax after a day at the hospital. And now she had it. That was how it was, Derek gave her whatever she wanted. A smile crossed her face as she laid there with her eyes closed._

_"Don't you have a smug look on your face..." Derek said with a chuckle as he walked into the bathroom._

_"Possibly." She told him with a giggle. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am."_

_"So true." Derek pointed out. "Why are you lucky again?" _

_"Because I have you." Meredith said with a smile._

_"Oh yes, that's it." Derek agreed with a nod._

_"So are you going to stand there, or are you going to strip down and join me?" Meredith asked as she looked it him through hooded lids._

_"Hmm... I guess it depends on how nicely you ask me..." Derek told her with a grin. _

_"Please?" She asked as she looked up._

_"Of course." He agreed as he pulled his shirt off._

_Meredith sat and watched as Derek peeled off his clothing and abandoned it on the floor nest to hers. The waster rose around her as he climbed into the bathtub. She smiled at him as she looked across at him. He put his hand out, and she grabbed it. Derek pulled her around and she laid her back against him. Derek's hands ran up her thighs. She let out a soft moan as he reached her hipbones and massaged circles. His large hands traveled up her torso and ran up her breasts, his palms rubbing her nipples. He teased them into hardened peeks before moving back down to her abdomen._

_"How is my baby?" Derek asked as he placed his hands on her stomach._

_"Safe." Meredith told him as she turned her head and kissed him._

_"Of course, he's in his mom's belly. That's the safest place to be." Derek told her as he kissed her neck._

_"I'm scared, Derek. What if- Bella... I just-" Meredith said quickly._

_"It will be fine." Derek assured her. "I promise you, it will be just fine." He told her again. "We will be the perfect family."[/i_

Meredith slowly slid under the water. She was safe there. When she was there, it was quiet. It was comfortable. The tears could join the bath water and never be seen. It was a good place. A place that she hated to come back from. A place where she wished she could stay. And she really had to think about it. It was so easy to stay.


	22. Moving On

Meredith sat in her lonely house with her son. They say days go by so quickly you don't even realize it. It wasn't true. Meredith know every painful day that went by. She went on, one day at a time, wondering when it was going to get easier. She hired a nany. But that didn't make life easier, it just allowed her less time with her son. But at least he was taken care of a little better than he had been. She moved furniture around in the house when she was bored, only to move it all back. The more she went on, the more she realized she didn't liek change. And the more things change, the more they stay teh same.

Derek begrudginly drove up his old driveway. He didn't tell her he was coming. He was actually afraind of what her reaction would have been. It had been a moth since they signed the papers. A painful month. He hadn't taken Liam yet. He tried. He tried to do the handoff with Izzie. But she cried. He could hear her sobs, and he couldn't handle it. He would spend a couple of hours with him, and then he would go back to his apartment. He coudln't hurt her.

He didn't want to be here. Not like this. If he were coming home for the night, it would be different. But there were things here. There were things taht he needed. He left most of his belongings. He left a lot of his clothes. He left all of the pictures, all of the memories. He had actually went out and bought closthe, just so he wouldn't have to come back. He bought Liam a crib. He bought him everything he would need. But he couldn't take the step. It seemed like neither of them were moving forward.

Derek walked up and knowcked on the door. No rights. He had no right to be here. He looked around. It looked okay, but it had a cold feeling. It was like the hourse it'self was lonely. It was missing teh happy family that it expected to live in it. When Meredith opened the door, he frowned. She did not looked good. Not at all.

"Hey." She croaked out as she looked up at him.

"I came to get some of my stuff. If taht's okay?" Derek asked softly as he looked up.

"Derek- Yeah... That's fine." She said with a sigh as she opened the door wider and let him in. "Leelee... Daddy is here!" She said, trying to sound exceited.

"Hey there, big guy!" Derek said as he walked up and picked him up.

"Blaaaa." Liam shouted as he looked up.

"Really? And when are you going to say dada?" Derek asked him as he gave him a soft kiss.

"Bla." Liam muttered as he looked up and grinned.

"Yeah, you are just like you mama, aren't you?" He asked with a chuckle, then realized wht he said.

"Mamamamama!" Liam yelled loudly.

"I'm here baby." Meredith said iwth a smile as she looked up.

"Are you feeling okay, Mer?" Derek asked as he looked at her. "You don't look so good."

He was actually worried. He didn't like the pale look of her skin. And he really didn't liek that he could see her bone structure right through her clothing. He wasn't likeing what he was seeing. And he couldn't really say much about it.

"Just tired." She said as she looked over at him. "Here, I will take him, so you can get your stuff. Unless- I mean, you can-" Meredith stammered as she looked up.

"Here you go." Derek said with a faint smile as he handed Liam to Meredith.

Meredith sat back and nursed Liam. Addison wanted her to start weaning him off. Partially because he was more than ready to go strictly to the bottle and food. And partially becuase she didn't like the way Meredith was looking, and she wanted her to get her own nutrition and keep it for herself. Meredith could hear Derek rustling around. She coudln't take it. It wasn't right. As Liam finished nursing and drifted off to sleep, she could feel her emotions taking over.

"Okay." Derek muttered as he walked down from their bedroom ad walked into the great room.

"Did-" She coughed. "Did you get what you need?" She asked as she looked up.

"I did. He's sleeping?" Derek asked as he looked down.

"Yeah. It was time for his nap." Meredith told Derek as she looked up. "Um... Der... If you- You don't have to stay in the hotel. I mean, if you wnat to stay here. Teh house is so big... It's stupid for me to be in here with all these rooms and a baby. So if you-" She rambled on as she looked at the floor.

"I got an apartment. Three weeks ago. I thought it was time. I knew I couldn't in the hotel." Derek told her with a nod.

"Oh..." Meredith said with obvious disappointment. "I just- I didn't know."

"Mer... We got divorced. We ended it. I can't stay here. I can't stay in this house with you. It's over." Derek told her with a frown.

"Yeah. I know. I just- Yeah." She said with a sigh as she looked at her feet.

"Well, I guess I will go. Thanks. For letting me get my stuff." Derek told her with a smile.

"Yeah. No problem." She uttered softly as she walked him to the door.

Derek turned to walk away. It was like a knife in her gut. She never thought it would be like this. She actually thought that once they got the divorce, all of her feelings for him would be gone. She thought she would be able to move on with her life. But now she was seeing, she didn't feel better, she actually felt worst. And now it was too late. He said it. It's over. He got an apartment. He moved on.

"Hey Mer..." Derek said as he spun around.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him.

"We almost made it." He told her with a faint smile.

"Yeah, we did." She agreed with a smile.

"But like you always say... Almost doesn't count." He told her frankly.

"Yeah." Meredith uttered as she looked down, the tears stinging her eyes. Derek walked away. He got in his car and he left. And there she was, in a pile on the floor. She needed almost to count. She wished it had.

Derek pulled away from the house. He was sick. He was wishing he hadn't gone. It was a bad decision. Seeing her killed him. Seeing her on a daily basis was the worst thing in the world. But there he saw her in her scrubs, with undershirts. But now, he was seeing her in her street clothes, and it made him sick. She was bone and flesh. She wasn't Meredith. Not even close.

Derek didn't want the divorce. There was no question about that. He never said he did. And now... He wasn't sure what to do. She was not happier. He did it because it was what she wanted. And she wasn't looking any better than she had before. They both made mistakes, but now he was unsure of what to do. So he was going to do what she told him to do. He was going to move on.

Just as Derek was getting ready to pull into the lot of his apartment building, he heard his phone ring. His first thought was Meredith. A smile covered his face as he whipped the phone out of his holder and looked at it. The smile faded when he looked at who it was.

"Hello, Mother." Derek said slowly as he opened the phone.

"Derek! I have been trying to call you forever. Do you not call your mother back? Do you have any idea how long I was in labor with you? I would think you would have some respect." Lynn said loudly into the phone.

"I'm sorry, mom. I have been so busy." Derek said quickly as he put the car in park. "The hospital has been crazy."

"That is no excuse. And where is Meredith? I have been calling there for a week!" Lynn shouted. "No answer. Ever."

"We've both been busy, Mom." Derek excused as he laid his head back.

He couldn't do this. At this moment, he couldn't handle telling his mother that he and Meredith had gotten divorced. He couldn't handle it. And he knew Lynn couldn't handle it. His family didn't believe in divorce. Lynn always said they would outlast everyone. And they didn't even come close. He couldn't admit it. He couldn't handle it.

"Well, can I talk to her?" Lynn asked softly. "I have been trying to reach her forever."

"Um... She's not with me right now. I'm at the hospital. And she- I think she is at the grocery store." Derek lied as he looked at his face in the mirror and shook his head in disgust.

"Oh. Well, how is my beautiful grandson?" Lynn asked with a smile.

"He is wonderful. He is so amazing, mom." Derek told her with a grin. "He says mama."

"Wow... Isn't that the greatest thing in the world?" She asked he happily. "Now he just has to say dada."

"I've been trying. He counters it with mama. I think he is trying to throw it in my face." Derek joked as he thought about it.

"He knows who the boss it." Lynn said with a smile.

"You make an excellent point." Derek agreed with a sigh. "Meredith is the boss..."

"I want to come see Liam soon. They grow so fast. I need to see my grandson. That was part of the reason why I needed to talk to Meredith. Can you just tell her to call me?" Lynn asked softly.

"Um... Yeah. I will let her know that you called." Derek told her with a frown. "I will let her know as soon as possible."

"Okay, dear... Have a good day! And go home to your family!" She warned.

"I will, mom." Derek lied again. "Talk to you later."

"Love you, bye." Lynn said in a soft voice.

Derek sat his head back and moaned. Now this was a mess. He didn't have the nerve to tell his mom that they had gotten a divorce. He didn't have the nerve to admit they couldn't hack it. And now they were going to have problems. Lynn wanted to come to town. Now she would find out. This would be bad. It would be horrible. Derek dialed the house phone, and was shocked when Meredith didn't answer. He finally dialed her cellphone. His stomach knotted when he head her voice.

"Der- Derek..." She croaked out in shock.

"We have a problem, Mer." Derek told her frankly.

"What's wrong?" She asked with concern as she sat straight up on the sofa.

"Mom called. I- I couldn't tell her. And she wants to see Liam. She wants to come to town." Derek told her with a frown.

"Fuck." Meredith spat out quickly.

"She wants you to call her. I don't know... I mean if you want to tell her. It's- I don't know." Derek said with a sigh.

"Fuck." Meredith said again. This was bad.

Meredith laid back on the sofa and let the tears stream down her cheeks. She was literally Ill. She had no idea what she was going to tell Lynn. And Derek had thrown it in her lap. Not really. He didn't know what to do anymore than she did. Meredith quickly ran into the bathroom and retched over and over spilling the nonexistent contents of her stomach. She weakly walked down the hallway, grasping the wall as she walked. She collapsed onto the sofa and clutched the phone in her hand.

"Hello?" Lynn asked softly.

"Hey mom..." Meredith muttered into her phone.

"Meredith! How are you, dear?" Lynn asked softly.

"I'm good. I'm just really tired." Meredith explained as she rubbed her face with her hand. "Work has been insane."

"Oh, that's not good." Lynn told her with a frown. "So maybe it would be a good thing for me to come to town. I could help out with Liam. I could help out around the house. I have some free time. And I really want to see you guys."

"Okay. Um... When?" Meredith asked quickly.

"Well, I was thinking about next Monday." Lynn told her as she looked at the calendar.

"Monday. Yeah. Monday... That would be- Great. Monday is great." Meredith reiterated. "Just give me a call and let me know when your place will be here."

"Okay, dear." Lynn said happily. "Derek was saying that Liam is saying mama. Isn't that the greatest thing is the world?" Lynn asked quickly.

"It is." Meredith agreed as she leaned down and picked him up, placing him on her abdomen. "He is such a little man."

"I can't wait to see him. We'll catch up when I come in. You sound tired. You get some rest." Lynn told her softly.

"Okay, Mom." Meredith said as she yawned. "Don't forget to call..."

"I won't. I love you, and I will see you later." Lynn said before hanging up.

Meredith looked down at Liam and fought the urge to cry. She couldn't do it. She tried. But there was no way she would tell Lynn the truth. There was no way she could tell her that is was over between her and her son. She couldn't break her heart. They would do it. They could. They could play pretend.

"Mer..." Derek muttered as he answered the phone.

"I couldn't do it. I didn't have the heart. She's going to be here on Monday. I- Can you- Can we just pretend that everything is okay? I can't do that to her." Meredith said as she began to whimper.

"Yeah. I think we can do it. A week. I'm sure we could handle a week." Derek said with a nod.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed. "It's only a week."


	23. Stunned

Meredith was a nervous wreck. She had no idea how they were going to pull it off. How would they act like life was perfect when it was so far from? Meredith quickly rushed around the house. It wasn't a mess, but it would never stand up to Lynn's standards. This whole time was going to be a huge mess. To pretend around someone who was so perceptive, was almost impossible.

Meredith didn't want to do it. She didn't want to be stuck in a house with Derek. Derek was an asshole. Derek was her problem. She couldn't be with him and she couldn't be without him. And having him in the house wasn't going to help either way. Just as Meredith pulled her shoes on, she heard the front door open.

"Hey, Erin." Meredith said to the nanny as she walked in. "Liam is still sleeping. His bottle is in the refrigerator. I should be off by nine, but there is no saying. So if you want to stay, or if you can... That would be great." Meredith said with a smile as she grabbed her bags. "And if there are any problems-"

"Call you. Of course, Dr. Grey." Erin said with a smile as she looked up.

"Thank you so much. You have saved me." Meredith said with a smile as she grabbed her keys.

"Not a problem." Erin said with a smile.

Meredith felt good leaving Liam with Erin. Erin was in her mid-thirties, unattached. She was perfect for the job. She really seemed to love Liam and she was more than willing to work whenever Meredith needed her to. Meredith didn't regret her decision to pull Liam out of the hospital's daycare one bit.

Meredith walked into the locker room with a smile on her face. She felt okay. Not good. Not bad. But she was feeling okay. Right in the middle. She quickly began peeling off her clothes and changing into her scrubs. She could feel the looks. But they didn't understand. They had no idea.

"So... What are you doing tonight?" Cristina asked as she looked over at her.

"Spending the night with my son." Meredith told her frankly. "We need some quality time."

"I think all you do is have quality time with your son. Actually, that's all you do. God, Mer... You need to get out." Cristina spat as she looked up. "Joe's later?"

"Not tonight, Cris. Not tonight." Meredith responded quickly.

"Mer... I'll come too. We could have a girls thing. I know that you guys have you own thing... But it could be fun." Izzie suggested with a smile.

"Liam is with the nanny." Meredith explained as she walked away. "I don't get off until nine. Sorry guys..." Meredith muttered as she walked away.

Meredith walked into the hallway. She wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready for Joe's. She wasn't ready to hang out. She needed to relax. She needed to do what she was supposed to be doing. She needed to take care of her son. She needed to get her life straight.

Meredith grabbed her interns and started rounds. She loved to taunt them. It was horrible, but she liked it. She liked to put them on the spot. It was a rite of passage. They had it done to them, and now they were doing it to their own interns. Meredith walked from room to room with a pretend smile on her face. She was just doing it. Going through the motions pretending that it was okay. But she wasn't sure what it was.

"Hello, Mrs. Soto... How are you feeling?" Meredith asked as she walked into her post-op patient's room.

"Good. Very good." She said with a smile as Meredith began checking her stats.

"How is she... Dr. Grey?" A man, presumably her son asked with a smile as she looked up at her tag.

"Everything looks pretty good." Meredith agreed as she looked up at him with a smile. "The surgery was a success... If you need anything, just find me." Meredith said with a smile as she scribbled on the chart and walked out.

Meredith walked up to the nurses station next to Cristina and Izzie. She quickly wrote on the chart and took in a big yawn. The day was barely over, and she was already exhausted. It was her weight. She didn't think she had a problem, but to everyone else, it was more than apparent.

"Dr. Grey?" The man from the room asked as he walked up.

Meredith took a good look at him as she turned around. His soft brown eyes made her smile. His dark hair was perfect. Not Derek perfect, but pretty damn good. He was tall, well over six feet. She smiled as she glanced up at him.

"Yes?" Meredith asked quickly as she glanced up.

"I'm Amando... You said to find you if we needed anything... I do. I think I need you to have a drink with me." He said smoothly as he looked down at her.

"I uh... Um.. I just got divorced. And I have a baby. And I- I can't." Meredith said, out of breath.

"Oh... Well, you talk a lot, but I don't really see a problem here." He said with a chuckle. "A drink. And dinner..."

"Really... I can't." Meredith said as she looked at the floor.

"I see..." Amando said with a frown as he turned and walked away.

"What are you doing?" Cristina and Izzie both spat. "He was totally into you. Get him. You need this. Go tell him you changed your mind. Mer... This is good. He seems like a nice guy. You need to move on. It's just dinner and a drink. Go." Izzie spat as she pushed her away.

"I- Uh..." Meredith stammered as stood there.

They were right. It was time to move on. She had to do something. She had to move forward. Derek broke her heart everyday. She saw him everyday. And everyday, all she could think about was him. But she couldn't go back there. She couldn't take the pain.

"Wait..." She spat as she chased after him. He quickly turned and smiled at her. "So... Dinner?"

--------------------

Meredith rushed around the house. She did not feel good about this. Not at all. She was nervous. She shouldn't be doing this. A date. She should not be having a date. She silently chided her friends for forcing this upon her. She had no idea what to wear, or what to do. This was horrible. A horrible mess.

She looked through the closet as she stood there in her underwear. A black bra and panties. Nothing special. Just satin. No lace. Almost utilitarian. Just as she pushed dresses out of the way, she heard the doorbell ring. Meredith quickly threw on her robe and jogged down the stairs.

"We have come to rescue you!" Izzie said with a giggle as she rushed in with Cristina.

"I don't need rescuing!" Meredith spat as she looked at her friends and walked away.

"Oh, now we know she does." Cristina said with a chuckle as she followed Meredith up the stairs.

"Seriously. I have this." Meredith muttered as she looked back.

"She doesn't have it." Izzie giggled as she ran up the stairs. "Not even close."

"This is nothing. I am just humoring you guys." Meredith grumbled as she pulled an old dress out of the back.

"You are not wearing that." Cristina said as she ripped it out of her hands.

"This one." Izzie told her as she pulled a little black dress out of her hands.

"No! I can't wear that." Meredith said as she pushed it away.

Meredith felt sick as she looked at the dress. She wore that when she and Derek went to a dinner with Addison and Mark. It was a good memory. But all of her clothes had memories. There was no way to escape the past. Things happened. Good and bad. And she didn't want to move on.

"What do you have on under this?" Cristina asked as she pulled her robe open. "Oh no..."

"Mer!" Izzie said in shock. "Those are... Ick."

"They are fine!" Meredith argued.

"Something better... Now!" Cristina spat as she pulled panties out of the drawer. "These."

"No. It's not like anyone will be seeing them." Meredith stated frankly. "So who cares?"

"It's not about seeing them. It's about the way you feel when you wear them. Come on, Mer... Give it a chance." Izzie told her as she held out a scanty pair of panties and a matching bra.

"Fine." Meredith grumbled as she grabbed the clothing from their hands and walked away.

"Did you see how skinny she is?" Cristina asked in shock.

"She is all boobs... Because of Liam." Izzie pointed out. "Otherwise, she is a stick."

Meredith quickly got ready. She knew they were trying to help. But they had no idea. They didn't know how to help her. They didn't know what she needed. She just wanted out of there. She wanted away from her friends. She was ready to get it over with and crawl into her warm bed.

"You look great, Mer." Izzie lied as she looked at her. "Have a good time."

"Yeah." Meredith muttered with a sigh.

She did look great. But she didn't look like Meredith. She look like a way too thin Meredith with big breasts. It wasn't their friend standing there. That was a woman that let herself and her life go. They all said their goodbyes, saying they would stick around with Erin and Liam until she got back. And Meredith hesitantly climbed into her Jeep. She was not happy. But they were right. Even if just a little.

Meredith thought about turning around a dozen times, but decided not to. She did need adult conversation. She needed to talk to someone other that her son who, much like her, rambled about nothing. Meredith drew in a deep breath as she pulled into the parking lot. It only got worse when she walked in.

She hadn't been this terrified in a long time. She smile at the hostess, when she realized that Amando was already at a table. She could do this. She could make this work. A couple of hours, and never again. She quickly rushed to the table. Yes, she could do this. That is until she it... Until she saw him...

She froze. Her Derek was right there. Just across the room. He was within walking distance. Amando wasn't even on her mind as he stood there before her. All she saw was Derek. She looked at the table. He was alone. It almost broke her heart. He was dining alone.

"Ah... Meredith... You made it." Amando said with a smile as he stood before her.

"Huh... Oh, yeah." Meredith agreed with a nod. "Yep. I'm here. Me. Here. Sorry. I do that." Meredith pointed out with a sigh.

"So, I hope I picked the right restaurant. Have you been here before?" He asked as he motioned for her to sit.

"I have. It's great." Meredith agreed as she sat down and picked up her menu.

She couldn't wrap her head around it. Derek was tables over, with his back to her. He was alone. She didn't get why he was in a nice restaurant all by himself. She couldn't turn away. He drew her in. He had always drawn her in. She continued to peek around her menu and to his table. And that was enough. But then her gut was punched. The air was sucked from her lungs. Her life was shortened but years. A tall leggy blonde strode to the table. Derek stood up and smiled. It felt like a knife was being twisted in her stomach. He was on a date.

"What would you like as an appetizer?" Amando asked as he looked over at her. She didn't answer. She remained hidden behind the safety of her menu. "Meredith!"

"Huh... What?" Meredith asked quickly as she looked up.

"I was just wondering what you would like for an appetizer..." Amando said with a smile.

"Oh... Up, whatever. Whatever you would like is fine with me." Meredith replied with a sigh.

She couldn't stop looking at the table. It made her sick. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to run over and stab the woman repeatedly with her steak knife, or whether she should run out and collapse in tears. It was too much. It was an emotional roller coaster. She told him to move on. And now she was seeing the only one she was hurting was herself.

It went on. Dinner went on. Amando tried to talk, but he could tell she was distracted. She had no idea what to say to him. She had no idea how to act. She wanted to try and be interested. She wanted to pretend that she could do it. She needed to tell herself she could move on. She had to move on.

"So... You are a doctor. What kind?" Amando asked with a smile.

"Oh... Um... I am a first year neuro resident." Meredith explained as she looked into his green eyes.

"So are you a practicing doctor? I guess I don't really get how that all works..." He explained with a shrug.

"I still have four more years of residency and a year of fellowship. Then I will be an attending, which is basically who you want working on you." Meredith explained, trying to distract herself. "It's one year of internship, five years of residency and then one year of fellowship..."

"So you are saying I don't want you working on my mom?" He joked as he looked across the table at her.

"Well... Yes. Eh... I am starting out. But we are ready. We have to know things." Meredith explained quickly. "It's not like they hand up scalpels and say have fun. I went through four years of college, then med school. It wasn't a walk in the park..."

"Wow... I can't imagine going through all that. That's impressive..." Amando pointed out. He looked up at Meredith, who looked like she was ready to turn green. "Hey... Are you okay?"

"Me.. Yeah. Fine. Yeah." Meredith stammered as she took a long sip of her glass of wine.

"You just seem distracted." Amando pointed out with a sigh.

"I'm... Yeah, sorry about that." She told him as she filled her glass again. "I'm just- Yeah... Things are crazy, you know?" She asked as she took another drink. She needed it. It would be a very rough night.

Derek did not want to be there. But what else could he do. He was lonely. He had nothing else to do in his life. It would have been just another lonely night in his apartment. This is one part of the job some people loved. It was a way to get a free meal. It was something to do. In fact, some doctors liked just screwing with them.

Derek did not feel right about being out with her. He assumed it would be a man. He assumed it would be someone else. He didn't think they would send a tall leggy blonde. He didn't really care. She was a drug representative. It wasn't a date. She was just trying to get him to endorse a new drug. And he was getting a free meal out of the deal.

"So... Would you like me to explain the benefits of Neuropine. as compare to the other drugs on the market?" She asked with a smile as she sipped her wine.

"That would be great." Derek muttered as he grabbed his wine glass.

"Well, it competitively blocks the effects of acetylcholine at muscarinic cholinergic receptors that mediate the effects of parasympathetic postganglionic impulses, thus depressing salivary and bronchial secretions, dilating the bronchi, inhibiting vagal influences on the heart, relaxing the GI and GU tracts, inhibiting gastric acid secretion, relaxing the pupil of the eye, and preventing accommodation for near vision; it also blocks the effects of acetylcholine in the CNS." She explained quickly.

He didn't listen. He didn't care. He knew everything he needed to know about the drug. None of it mattered. All her could think about was his mother. Lynn had always been perceptive. He was sure she would know something was up. He had no idea how he would ever do it. How would they sleep. How would they be affectionate? How would they pretend life was great when they couldn't even fool themselves?

His mind wandered from his mother, to Meredith. He wasn't quite sure what was going on with her. The last time he saw her, she was painfully thin. He didn't get it. He didn't really understand why she was doing this to herself. She was killing herself slowly. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she was just stressed out. Either way, he worried. He worried for her. For his son. And mostly, for him. He couldn't imagine her not in this world.

He wondered what she was doing. He was sure that she was sitting home with their son. He was sure that she was alone. It broke him. He wasn't sure quite when it started to slip. He knew it was after he became chief. He knew that. But he wasn't sure when it got out of control. And that hurt him the most.

"You are popular..." The drug rep said with a chuckle.

"Why do you say that?" Derek asked with confusion.

"Oh, that woman over there... Behind you, she keeps looking." She explained with a smile.

Derek nonchalantly turned around. His heart stopped. His voice disappeared. His breath hitched. It was his wife. His ex-wife, sitting at a table. At a table with another man. And instant wave of anger came over him. He was feeling sorry for her, and here she was on a date. She was on a date with a man. He was sick as he turned around. He couldn't look at her.

He wondered if she has seen him. Obviously she had, the woman said she had. He wondered if she was sitting there feeling any bit like he was. He wondered if she was suffering like he was suffering. He couldn't imagine that man's hands on her. He would kill him. That was his first thought. He would kill that man if he touched her.

"It's... Wow. She isn't really being to secretive. She's trying... But wow." She laughed with a smile. "Fairly nervy, she's on a date and she's ogling you. I just love to study human nature..."

"She's my ex-wife." Derek spat as he looked up. "Recent."

"Oh. Wow, I'm sorry. I had no idea. If you- Would you like to end this?" She asked as she looked at him.

"It's fine. Let's just finish our food." Derek explained with a sigh. "We've come this far."

"I'm really sorry, Dr. Shepherd." She apologized again.

"You had no way of knowing." He told her with a smile. "It's not a big deal."

"Do you mind if I ask- Never mind..." She said, realizing she way over stepped her boundaries.

"It's this job. That ended it." Derek said frankly. "And it wasn't worth it." He told her, as he looked away from her. It was the truth.

Derek could barely choke down his lobster. He could barely hold it together. He wanted to run over and strangle the man that was trying to take the love of his life. At that moment, as he sat there, he realized just what he had done. He realized what he lost. He lost way too much.

Meredith studied him. He didn't seem happy. Or sad. Just there. But being just there was more than enough for her. She couldn't take it. She couldn't have it thrown in her face when she had the option. She felt the vomit rising in her throat. She felt the queasiness taking over. She could not stay in that room. She couldn't stay in the building. She couldn't remain there and do that to herself. She had to go.

"I can't do this. I thought I could. I'm so sorry!" Meredith spat as she jumped up.

"What!" Amando said in shock as he watched her run off.

He was in shock. She left. He had high hopes and she just ran out. He was mad. He had never had that happen to him. Women didn't just run off and leave him at the table like a fool. The anger took over. All he could think about what what a mental case she was.

Derek quickly ate his dinner. He couldn't wait for it to end. He couldn't get a good view of Meredith. She was behind him, and he couldn't keep obviously looking back at her. It wasn't until they were almost done that the drug rep told him that she left. She left out the dramatic details of Meredith throwing her napkin down and literally running. She didn't want to tell him that. She didn't want to beat the poor man down anymore than he was.

Derek ambled up to the bar. As the first sip of scotch slid down his throat, order was restored in the world. He didn't even notice that Meredith's date had taken the seat next to him and was now sipping is own whiskey. He didn't realize the mess that had incured. Derek drew in a breath, trying to forget.

"How was your date?" Amando asked as he looked up at Derek.

"Oh... I wasn't on a date. It was a business meeting." Derek answered before he looked up and realized who it was.

"Oh. I see..." Amando told him. "Mine was horrible. That bitch was crazy. I mean, I just wanted her for a good fuck. She looked like she her bony ass would be amazing in bed. Nice long legs... I'm sure she had a tight little pussy. You know, I was willing to overlook the fact that she was just divorced had had a fucking kid at home. I could deal with the little monster crying as I pounded his mom... But she's a real whack job, you know?" Amando said boldly.

Derek couldn't take. He could not sit there and listen to someone say that about her. That was the worst thing he had ever heard. It made him sick. His wife had been out on a date with a prick. That was what he wanted to protect her from. He had to save her from the assholes in the world. He couldn't take the anger boiling deep inside. Liam crying while he pounded her. He couldn't take it. It was too much. Derek raised his first. No control. Too late. He cocked it back, feeling the spring-like power in his biceps. His knuckles collided firmly with the man's cheek. Amando ended up laying flat on the floor and looking up in a stunned shock.

"You're a real fucking asshole, you know that?" Derek spat before he quickly stalked out of the restaurant.

Derek felt sick as he sat in the drivers seat of his car. His sole purpose in life was to protect her. And he couldn't. He couldn't anymore because he didn't didn't have the right. He gave up the rights to everything. He gave up the rights to his wife. To his child. To his life. He made huge mistakes, one after another. And it was too late. Way too late.

Derek wanted nothing more than to go to their house. Now it was her house. But he wanted to go there and talk to her. He wanted to hold her. He knew she was crying. He knew she was dying inside. It had become apparent that she thought he too was on a date. Derek turned the other way. He headed towards his apartment. No rights.

Meredith sobbed the whole way home. Regret didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling. She let a good man go. An imperfect man. A man. He was still a man, that was his problem. But as she sat in her car, she realized it. She made a mistake. Mistake after mistake. She looked up as she drove. There was one place she wanted to go. One place she needed to go. She pulled in. The green sign was welcoming. The air, stale. And the tequila... It was perfect. The perfect end to a horrible night. And the beginning of what, she had no idea.


	24. A Friend In Need

It had been too long. Meredith let out a deep sigh as she sat perched on that stool. Joe wasn't there. She was lucky. The last time she was in here, Joe refused to serve her. But he wasn't there. It was another bartender standing before her. She had been away from here so long, that this guy had no idea who she was. And that was the best thing ever.

"Tequila." Meredith spat as she looked the man in the eyes.

"You sure... That stuff is poison." The bartender told her frankly.

"Ah... Good poison." Meredith nodded as he poured it into the shot glass. "Besides, we are old friends." She told him frankly.

Meredith tipped the glass back and let the burning liquid slide down. It was like coming home. It was a feeling she had missed. She loved the burn. Just the right amount of pain taking her over. The alcohol in her blood, numbing out the painful world around her. It was great. She let out a moan as she enjoyed the waves of pleasure washing over her.

"Please keep them coming." To told him as she looked up.

"Whatever you say, little lady." He told her with a smile. "So how bad is it?" He questioned as he poured the next shot.

"My husband... Well, ex-husband was on a date tonight. In the same restaurant as I was. We just got divorced. She was tall. Leggy. Blond. Perfect. Eh... More..." She moaned as she flipped her glass over.

"Not a problem... If you ask me, he sounds like a real fucking asshole." The bartender told her frankly. "You seem like quite the woman yourself."

"No... He's not. He's great. He was the greatest thing is my life, and I didn't fight for it. I let it all go..." She moaned as she began to throw back her third shot. "Damn it..."

Meredith sat there in her numb world, downing her shots. She had weaned Liam off her breast just in time. She was feeling better. A little bit of the pain was being taken away from her. She was feeling a little more loose. She was feeling like she could deal with life. She was feeling good. Until the next shot, and the one after that. Then she was feeling a little too tipsy. Apparently she had been away too long.

Craig looked over. It was just by chance that he was here. He decided to take one of the nurses out for a drink. But he didn't feel the connection with her. When he was younger, he didn't need it. He just wanted sex. But now he wanted that connection. He was feeling older, and more like he wanted to settle down. 

Meredith was looking tipsy. He could tell that she was in emotional distress. He really liked her. He hated to see her hurting. She was a nice person, as was Derek. And he didn't like to see them that way. He took that last sip of his bourbon and walked over. He couldn't let her sit there and do that to herself.

"Whoa there." Craig said as he sat down.

"He-- Hey..." Meredith stammered as she looked over. "How is your...night?" She asked as she swayed on the barstool.

"Probably not any better than yours." Craig told her with a sigh.

"Eh... Mine was shit. Derek is fucking a blonde. A hot blonde. He left me... You know... He left. I asked him to stay. I told him he could. And he said no. No because he wanted to leave the used up whore at home and fuck the tall blonde..." She shouted as she threw her shot back.

"Oh... I doubt that, Meredith. You are not used up. You are exceptional. Maybe it isn't what you thought..." Craig suggested.

"I know my husband. Er-- Ex-husband. I know him. Fuck him. Let him do it- Just because I ran away from my date... He should get his. Fucking bastard." She spat.

"Why don't I take you home?" Craig suggested as he looked into her tired eyes.

"To your house? To fuck me... I hardly deem that-" She started.

"To your house. You need to sleep this off." Craig pointed out. "Where is Liam?"

"At home, with the nanny." Meredith muttered. "I don't want them to know.. I'm a worthless..."

"I'll take you home. With me. I'll sleep on the sofa." Craig told her as he threw the bills down from her drinks and put his arm around her back.

"You're a good friend." She muttered as he walked her out

Meredith passed out in the car. Craig didn't like seeing anyone like that. It seemed her self-confidence had flown out the window. It hurt him too see something that he had heard was so great, come crashing down. Her loud snores filled the car, along with the waft of tequila.

When they got to his apartment, he walked around the side and tried to wake her. After several failed attempts, he lifted her light body up and carried her in. He didn't like her weight, she was way too light. Craig quickly walked her into his bed and laid her down. He scooted her around and pulled the bed linens over her body. Craig felt a broken smile cross his lips as he flipped the light off. It was sad. So sad.

---------------

Meredith didn't dare open her eyes. Her head was pounding. It felt like someone was tap dancing in her head. Or stomp. They were performing stomp in her head. As she laid there, she placed her hand over her eyes. Pain. Severe pain in her head. As she drew in a breath, a smile covered her face. She was smelling something. Something sweet. Pancakes. 

For a moment, she laid there with a smile on her face. Derek made her breakfast. She laid there and contemplated opening her eyes. She couldn't wait to kiss him good morning and look across the table at him while they ate. But that all flew out the window. Reality set in quick when she heard the knock on the door.

"Mer?" Craig asked softly. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay..."

She wanted to cry. She was ready to lay down on the floor and sob. It wasn't Derek. Derek was gone. Derek went on a date. He was moving on. She should me moving on. But she couldn't. She couldn't get over it. She so successfully pushed him away, and now she was alone, and couldn't move on. She hated herself. She hated herself and didn't know how to stop.

"I'm... I'm getting up." Meredith muttered as she slowly sat up.

"Breakfast is ready whenever you want it." He told her softly as he waked away.

Meredith felt sick as she sat there. All the night's eveants came rushing back. Derek had went on a date last night. She left her date behind. And now she was at Craig's. She had no idea how she got to Craig's. But then she realized. Her head was splitting. She went to Joe's. She drank. She hadn't drank in well over a year. Almost two. And last night, she want to Joe's and drank a lot.

Panic washed over her as she jumped out of the bed. Liam. She left Liam alone with the nanny. She never told her that she wouldn't be back. Her stomach knotted up as she rushed out of the room, looking for her purse. She was ashamed. She was angry with herself. She couldn't believe she did it. To him. To herself.

"Is everything okay?" Craig asked softly as he looked up.

"No! Shit! I- I'm so sorry. I- I left Liam with the nanny. She didn't know I wouldn't be home." Meredith said as she spotted her purse and rushed over to grab her cellphone. No missed calls. That was good. She quickly pushed send and waited for the phone to answer.

"Erin! It's Meredith... I am so sorry... Yeah. Things got crazy. I will be home in awhile. I am so sorry. Okay, I will see you in a bit." Is all Craig heard Meredith say as she sat.

Meredith looked down at the plate of food before her. She was sick. She was disgusted. At the moment, she was ashamed of herself. She lied. Or more, didn't correct Erin. Erin assumed she was paged into the hospital. Meredith didn't tell her that truth was that she fell off the wagon, and was now being dragged behind.

"I am a horrible person. I failed as a wife. I'm failing as a mother. I have nothing left, but my son. And I will fuck him up. And then of course, he will leave me eventually. All I ever wanted was to be happy. I was so afraid of being alone. Now I am alone. I thought I could do it, but I can't. I have no one. I am a waste... A waste!" She cried out as she covered her face and sobbed. "Erin thinks I am at the hospital. I can't tell her that I am at my friend's. I can't tell her that you had to take me home because I fucked up, once again. Sometimes I think I am better off... Derek could do it. I think he could. He could be happy with Liam. I just- Maybe I wasn't meant to make it to the end." She sobbed loudly as she sat there.

Craig quickly jumped up from his seat. He couldn't believe the way she fell apart. It broke his heart. And the things she was saying, was scaring the hell out of him. Not meant to make it. That made his stomach churn. He didn't ask before he wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her against his chest. He would be there for her. Someone had to be. And he fit the bill.

"Meredith... You are not a waste. Do you hear me?" Craig asked her in shock. "You are not a waste."

"I lost it all. I pushed it all away. He has moved on. And I can't. I don't even know how. I want to. I should. But I don't know how. I just want to make it. And right now, I don't think I can. I don't want to screw Liam up. I thought if I divorced Derek, I would be a better mother. I'm not. Not even close." Meredith muttered softly. "I'm sorry... I- Don't worry about this." She said as she pulled away. "I have to toughen up."

"Oh god, don't say that..." Craig told her frankly. "Look at me, Meredith..." He told her as he tipped her head. "You will be okay. You are not a waste. This is a hard situation. You need help, it's hard to do it on your own. And I am here for you... Let me be."

"Thank you." Meredith said as she wiped her tears. She needed a friend.

-----------------

Derek was feeling sick about the night before. He could not believe the asshole that she had went on a date with. He felt like it was his fault. He felt like he had pushed her into it. She was so vulnerable at this point. It was what she wanted, but she was still depressed. She was still unhappy, and he knew it. Now she was attempting to move on, only to move on to someone like that. He didn't like it. He didn't like the idea of her with another man. And he had no idea what to do.

Derek sat at the kitchen table with his muesli. He hated it like this. Being alone. He had come to dislike his apartment more everyday. He missed his home. He missed his Meredith. He missed his Liam. He missed it all. Derek grabbed his bowl of muesli and tossed it into the trash. He couldn't eat. His stomach was way too upset.

It was a rare moment when he was at home. And now he had come to hate being home. If he could stay at the hospital twenty-four dollars a day, he would. At this time, he would stay there forever. There was nothing for him outside those walls. Not anymore.

It was awkward. Meredith was definitely avoiding him. She was on his service, but she was acting strangely. Then it hit him, she saw him, and he saw her. She must have assumed that Derek was on a date. It never hit him that she would think that. That was not what he wanted her to believe.

"Meredith..." Derek said softly as she vigorously scrubbed her hands.

"Please. This is my job. And it is so hard for me to come here everyday with you here. So can we keep it outside. Because right now, I just need it to be okay. Right now, I need to forget everything. So please, Derek, I beg you. Please don't talk about anything right now." She begged him as she looked up.

"Okay." Derek said softly as he looked over at her.

That was how it always went. She said lets not talk about it, and he always said okay. He wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted to tell her he was on a casual dinner with a drug representative. He wanted to tell her that he was not moving on. He would never be able to move on. But he didn't. He drew in a deep breath and walked into the operating room.

"Meredith-" Derek started as he looked up at her.

"It's Dr. Grey." Meredith corrected him as she looked up. "It's been Dr. Grey for awhile."

"I will take you off of my service. If that is what you want, I will do it in a second." Derek told her with a sigh.

"I am being professional here... It's you who is not. I just need to- I need to move on. It was a clean cut. We need to be separate. For good." Meredith said as she retracted. 

"Are you ready for her?" Derek asked as he looked across the table. "My mother..."

"The house is clean. I have been working on getting it ready. After she leaves, it's- We stop. We stop this game we are playing. It will be over once and for all." She told him again.

"Do you want me to tell her? Do you want me to tell the truth? If you want, when I get out of surgery, I will call my mother." Derek said quickly as she looked up.

"Our mother. You said my mother. She is our mom. I can't lose her." Meredith said quickly as she looked at him. "I've already..."

"I don't plan on taking her from you." Derek said frankly. "But she will know eventually. I could save you the misery of being with me for a week." 

"No... I can't do it. I am not ready yet." Meredith said frankly. "I cannot tell her."

"It will come out. Mer, you need to stop avoiding. Every time I turn around, you are avoiding." Derek told her frankly. "Maybe that was the real problem with out marriage."

"I can't- I'm done." She said as she stepped away from the table. "I want off your service. You can have George." Meredith told him as she walked off. "I told you to leave our personal out of the hospital."

Derek shook his head as he continued with his patient. This wasn't right. None of it was right. Meredith had changed. Maybe it was from being pushed too far. He had pushed her. He left her home alone with their young baby. He expected her to do it on her own. He should have known it wouldn't be long before she fell. And she was falling.

Meredith stalked out of the scrub room. She couldn't take it. He was her boss. He held the power. He wasn't abusing it, but she didn't like it. She needed some time. She needed some space. As she rushed to a supply closet, she began to tear up. Maybe she needed to transfer to Mercy. Maybe she needed to get farther away.

"Are you okay?" Craig asked as he followed her into the supply closet.

"I am so far from okay, it's not even funny!" She yelled loudly as she kicked the storage rack. "Fuck this! Fuck life!" She yelled. "I hate him..."

"What happened?" Craig asked with concern and he made her look at him.

"He's Derek. He's just... Derek." She said as she stood there and started to cry.

"I'm sorry..." Craig said as he pulled her into his chest. "So sorry..."

Meredith let herself succumb to his touch. It was nice. It was nice to have someone in the middle. It was nice to have someone that didn't talk bad about Derek, and didn't blamed her either. He was good to her. He made her feel the slightest bit better. She felt him stroke her hair. It felt so nice.


	25. Showing Up

Derek yawned as he sat as his desk. He hadn't slept. He was up all night doing catch up work, and when he finally had time to go to sleep, he couldn't. He couldn't sleep because all he could think about was Meredith. Meredith was all he ever thought about day and night. He worried about her eating. He worried about her home alone. But at the same time, he was angry with her for giving up so easily.

Derek looked at the picture of Meredith and Liam on his desk. Maybe he should replace it with just the one of Liam. But he couldn't cut her out. He couldn't do that to her. He was in pain, and seeing her face, no matter how he felt about her, it brightened his day.

As he looked at Liam's smiling face, he decided that he should go down and visit his son. He climbed from his chair and made his way across the office. He had been wanting to take Liam for a weekend but he couldn't bare to do it to Meredith. He couldn't live with what she may do if she was alone.

Derek walked into the daycare and looked around. He didn't see Liam anywhere. A frown covered his face as he searched around. Meredith was in surgery, he knew that she didn't have him. Derek looked over and saw Karen caring for another child. He quickly rushed over.

"Karen, where is Liam?" He asked as he looked around.

"Liam? Oh... Meredith pulled him out. He hasn't been here in a couple of weeks." Karen explained. "I thought you knew..."

"Oh... I- I didn't. I have to go..." Derek said quickly as he rushed out.

He clenched his fists. He was angry. He couldn't believe that she did that. He couldn't believe that she pulled Liam out of daycare, and didn't even tell him. He swung the door open to the scrub room and walked in. He was there, and he was waiting. The minute she came out, that was it.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she walked into the scrub room.

"You pulled our son out of daycare?" Derek said loudly.

"Yeah, a few weeks ago. He wasn't doing well." Meredith said as she scrubbed her hands.

"And this wasn't something you thought you needed to tell me!" Derek growled as he approached her.

"I thought I did, Derek. I'm sorry." Meredith said as she dried her hands.

"Sorry, doesn't cut it, Mer." Derek told her frankly.

"Derek, stop and think here... Two weeks. It's been two weeks and you are just noticing. What kind of father are you?" She asked as she glared at him.

Meredith was right. He had seen Liam. He had stopped by the house to visit. But he hadn't been spending time with him. He immediately felt guilty as he stood there. It was true. He should have been around more. He should be there. He should have noticed. There were too many should haves and not enough dids.

"What are we doing?" Derek asked as he shook his head in disgust. "You're right... I am a horrible father. I was a horrible husband. I should have noticed. I just- I don't want to lose touch. I know that I screw up all of the time. But this- I need to know..."

"Okay." Meredith said with a nod. "He has a nanny. Her name is Erin. I checked everything. Her record is crystal clear. She has tons of references. Liam loves her. Why don't you come by tonight and meet her?"

"Oh... I- I'd love to." Derek said with a nod and a smile. "I'm sorry, Mer... I am sorry I got nasty. I just panicked. I went to the daycare, and I didn't see him. My first thought was that someone had kidnapped him, Mer. And then Karen told me... I was humiliated. I didn't even know that my own son had a nanny. I'm a worthless father." Derek said as he swallowed the lump in his throat. 

"You're not, Der... We are... We're a mess. And I don't know which way to crawl. I just don't see daylight anymore." She told him as she looked up into his eyes.

"I know, Mer. I know exactly how you feel." Derek said as he pulled her close to his chest. 

"I just need to keep going forward." She said as she pulled away. "Going back will just hurt me. I will see you tonight."

"Yeah." Derek sighed as he looked at her.

It was these moments. This made him feel better. That made him feel like their was hope. But then she pulled away. Derek frowned as he watched her disappear. He loved her more than she would ever know. But he had a creeping feeling. She was moving on. And he lost out.

---------------

Meredith drove down the road. She wanted to get home to Liam, but at the same time, she hated going to her lonely home. As she pulled up to the house, she looked at it. She seriously regretted making it so big. Not only would they never have their flock, but he would never even live in it again. She wouldn't leave it. It was her dream. And even if every other aspect of her dreams had left, she couldn't bear the thought of losing that house.

Meredith pulled her Jeep into the garage. It was a lonely garage, just her Jeep and John's Mercedes. If the weather was good, she would still pull it out and take it to work. For some reason, she always felt him with her in that car. She would nonchalantly lay her hand over to the passenger seat. It felt like she was holding her hand. She had quit chasing that feeling. She had Derek. She had no reason to long for it. But now she needed it back. Maybe tomorrow she would drive it.

"Hello, Dr. Grey." Erin said with a smile as she looked up.

"Hi, Erin." Meredith muttered as she grabbed Liam up and gave him a kiss. "Leelee! How is my guy?" Meredith asked him as she held him up.

"Mamamamamaaaaa!" He yelled loudly as he out his arms out. 

"Wow! You are getting good with that." Meredith said happily. "Dada is coming over. Yep... You get to see dada today." He explained as she kissed his stomach.

Meredith had been practicing. It was stupid. Maybe foolish. But everyday, she would show Liam a picture of Derek. As angry as she was at Derek most of the time, she wanted Liam to know who he was. She wanted Liam to have a relationship with Derek. So every night, she would take out a picture of Derek and explain just who he was. In case he came around.

"Erin... Derek, Liam's father would like to meet you. Do you think you could stick around for awhile?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.

"Um... Sure. I need to do some studying anyhow. But I have a date later." Erin explained.

"Well, Derek is usually late. If he shows up at all. So we will give him until seven. Is that okay with you?" Meredith asked as she riffled through the refrigerator and looked for something to eat. She finally decided on pre-cooked chicken cordon bleu from the grocery store. It was from the day before, but she had to eat something.

"That's fine. If I could leave my seven-thirty, that would be great." Erin explained as she grabbed her books and sat at the counter.

"So, what are you going for?" Meredith asked as she looked at her books.

"Accounting." Erin explained happily.

"Really? Accounting. That's interesting." Meredith mused as she stuck her chicken in the oven. "What would you like Liam?" She asked as she kissed his nose.

"It's not. You don't have to be nice... But it has always been an interest of mine." Erin explained.

"That's great. If you enjoy it, you should do it. No question." Meredith told her frankly. "So who is your date with?"

"Just a guy from class. It's our first." Erin said with a smile.

"That should be nice." Meredith agreed with a smile. "I guess I wish I did more of that. I guess I have only been on one date. One date that wasn't serious, you know?" Meredith asked. "Well, two now..."

"That's crazy. So you... You and your ex-husband. That's it?" Erin asked as she looked at Meredith.

"Well, I was married before Derek. Widowed. But yes, I guess I grew up too quick. I met John, my first husband... And it just seemed natural for me to marry him. So I did." Meredith explained.

"I'm sorry... That you- He- That he is gone." Erin said softly.

"Me too." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "Me too."

Meredith pulled her chicken out of the oven. Erin watched her. She was actually in shock She was certain that Meredith did not eat. And now here she was, eating before her. Meredith placed it on a plate and cut a piece off as she stood there. She took a bite, and then gave Liam a bite of his own food. After a few bites, she couldn't do anymore. She was full. Her stomach was aching.

"Oh my god..." Meredith muttered as she looked up out the window. "He actually came."

She was shocked to see Derek's black Land Rover making its way up the driveway. She was certain that Derek wouldn't show up, and yet there he was. Derek was the most unreliable person in the world, and he was actually there. Meredith watched as he climbed out and walked to the door. She quickly made her way across and opened the door.

"Hey." She said as she let him in.

"Hey." Derek said with a weak smile.

"Erin... This is Derek-" Meredith started as they walked in.

"Liam's dad... Wow. He looks just like you." She said in shock. "I'm Erin." She told him as she stuck out her hand.

"Derek... Nice to meet you." He told her with a nod. "Hey big guy!" Derek said happily as he caught sight of his son. "Are you eating din-din?" He asked as he picked up the spoon.

"He is." Meredith said with a smile and a nod.

"Looks like mommy is too. You can finish, I'll feed him." Derek said frankly.

"I'm actually done." She said as she pushed it away.

"How much of that did you eat, Mer?" Derek asked frankly. "I hope that is your second piece."

"I'm fine. Not really hungry." She said as she focused on Liam and half-ignored him.

"Meredith, eat the chicken." Derek told her as he pulled the plate up to her.

"You are not my father." She warned him as she pushed it away. "I. Am. Not. Hungry!" She told him loudly. "Leave me alone. Get off of it." She growled as she dumped the chicken in the trash.

"Fine. Kill yourself. Leave our son without a mother." He said, ignoring that Erin was sitting there.

"Leelee!" Meredith said happily. "Can you say dada? Say it... Who is this? Dada!" Meredith said exuberantly.

Derek was angry at her. She wasn't eating. She was starving herself, and it was more than apparent. She couldn't have eaten more than one or two bites. He looked up at Erin and smiled. He could tell she was uncomfortable. Maybe she agreed. Maybe she too saw Meredith's inadequate nutrition. Derek felt sick. He had nothing to do for her. She would never accept it.

Meredith was mad at Derek. She couldn't believe that he was now telling her what to eat. She would eat when she was hungry. She couldn't help it. You eat when you are hungry. And if she over-ate, she felt sick. Her stomach hurt. She rolled her eyes as she tried to focus on her son. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. As she looked out the window, she saw a familiar car coming up the drive. It was going to be something really soon, and good was not an option.


	26. Succumb

Meredith felt a lump form in her throat. It shouldn't. She shouldn't be nervous, and yet she was. She was actually feeling sick. She watched as Craig climbed out of his car. He was at her home. She had told him he was welcome anytime. But right now, she wasn't feeling so good about it. Right now she was not so happy to see him. She was just waiting for the shoe to drop.

Meredith heard the knock on the door. She had to pretend she had no idea. She had to pretend that this was unexpected. It was. But at the same time, it was not. Derek was going to be mad. But then it hit her. Why should she care.

"Would you like me to get that, Dr. Grey?" Erin asked quickly as she looked up.

"Um, sure." Meredith said with a shrug as she looked over.

"Are you expecting someone?" Derek asked as he looked over her.

"Um... No." She told him as she shook her head. "I am not."

"LP, you are eating so fast. You better slow down." Derek warned him as he slowly offered another bite. "You are eating like mom used to." 

"Lay off it." Meredith growled. "You shouldn't even care, Derek."

"I don't want to see you kill yourself." Derek told her sadly.

"I am fine. I just- I'm stressed out, and I'm not hungry. I'm not on some crazy suicide mission." She told him frankly.

"Hey there..." Craig said in his croatian accent as he walked in.

"Oh... Hi." Meredith feigned surprise as she looked up.

"Craig... What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he looked at them both in shock.

"I just came by to say hello." Craig told him frankly.

"Oh." Derek muttered suspiciously.

Derek was not happy. This wasn't his house anymore, but it was still his home. He didn't like Craig coming here. He knew that he wasn't coming to see him. He was obviously here to see Meredith. Thoughts flashed through his head. Thoughts of Craig's hands on her. Thoughts of Craig's mouth on her body. Him in their bed.

"So do you come her regularly? Just stop by?" Derek growled, somewhat nastily.

"Derek, he's allowed to come by. He is my friend." Meredith explained as she looked at him.

"Well... Never mind." Derek muttered as Liam began talking his loud gibberish.

Erin felt uncomfortable. She wanted the leave. She didn't like being in the middle of this mess. She didn't like the feeling the the poison licking her lungs. The room was filling slowly, and she wanted out before it exploded. She nonchalantly threw her books in her bag.

"I think I'm going to go..." Erin said quickly.

"Nice seeing you again, Erin." Craig said with a smile and a nod.

Nice seeing you again. So they had been seeing each other. That didn't sit well with Derek. It was obvious that Craig had been coming her often enough to know who Liam nanny was. Derek felt his blood beginning to boil. It took all he could to hold himself back.

"Nice meeting you." Derek grumbled as he watched her leave.

"Thank you, Erin." Meredith said with a smile as she watched her walk out.

"So apparently you come here often?" Derek asked smartly as he looked up.

"I do. I like to check up on Mer. This is a big house in the middle of nowhere. I worry about her." Craig said quickly.

"That is why we had a security system installed. I assume you have the code for that?" Derek asked with frustration.

"Don't be a dick, Derek!" Meredith spat quickly "It's none of your business."

"Is he the reason you don't eat, Mer?" Derek asked with a clenched jaw. "Is he the reason why you signed the papers?"

"Fuck you." Meredith growled. "We are just friends. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Derek... I just- Mer is my friend. That's it." Craig said quickly.

"Sure it is." Derek said as he shook his head. "I'm sure you guys fuck in our bed, right?"

"I can't do this!" Meredith yelled loudly. "Get out. Say goodbye to Liam and get out."

"Oh, so I have to leave..." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Yes. I will see you tomorrow." She said as she drew in a breath. "But right now, I need you out. Now."

"Whatever, Mer." Derek said as he threw Liam's spoon down and glared at her. "Goodbye, LP. Sorry we had to cut it short."

"Don't do the guilt thing, Derek. You did this to yourself." Meredith growled loudly.

Derek didn't say another word as he kissed his son and walked out. Meredith's face began to scrunch up as she stood there. She looked at Liam, who was drifting off to sleep. She felt Craig wrap his arms around her. She couldn't take it. She pulled away from him and walked across the kitchen, opening the cupboard. Craig watched as she grabbed the bottle of tequila and a glass. Down the hatch.

Meredith poured a shot in a short drinking glass. She had drank all her life. She just needed one shot to calm her nerves. One shot to make her feel a little better. She was so angry at Derek. Angry because she was angry with herself. It was such a mess, and she has no idea if she could or wanted to fix it.

"No, Mer." Craig said as he walked up behind her and grabbed the shot from her hand. "You don't need it."

"I do. You don't know what I need." Meredith growled nastily.

"I think I know what you need more than you think I do." Craig told her as he looked into her green eyes.

"Is that so?" Meredith asked softly as she looked into his brown eyes.

"It is." He said frankly as he leaned in.

Their lips met. It was a soft peck. Meredith's eyes got wide as she pulled back and looked at him. She was in shock. She saw it coming, but she didn't expect it. She wasn't even sure how to feel about it. She leaned back against the counter and took in a deep breath.

"Mer- I- I'm sorry. I didn't- I'm sorry." He said again with a frown.

"I can't take it." She said as she grabbed the shot and slammed it back. "You can't do that. Derek is-"

"An asshole. He called you a whore in front of your nanny and I." He said frankly.

"He didn't call me a whore!" She said defensively. "She was gone. And he never said that. He wouldn't. He's just under a lot of stress. His job- He so busy lately. It just the stress."

"He was thinking about it. He wanted to say it. You need to stop, Mer. Stop doing this to yourself. He gave up. If he cared, he wouldn't have signed the papers. He wouldn't be treating you the way he is. He cuts you down in front of everyone. He forgets about your son. He brushes you off like you don't matter. You matter, Mer! He does not care. And I, for one, and tired of it. I will not allow you to do this to yourself. I will not allow him to do it to you. You need someone who cares about you." Craig said as he pressed her against the counter with his body. "And that is me. I care. I have for a long time."

"What!" She said in shock as she looked at him.

"I am that man... Let me take care of you." He told her as he brushed her face with his hand. "Let me care about you. Derek is gone. Derek doesn't care..." He reminded her. "And I am here. I am waiting. Let me..."

Meredith looked into his eyes. Maybe he was right. Derek gave up. She gave up. There was nothing left of what they once had. And Craig was good to her. And Liam liked him. Meredith looked into his eyes and nodded. Craig smiled as he leaned in and kissed her softly. Meredith leaned into him. It wasn't him. It was the need. She needed to be loved. She was desperate for love. And he was willing to give it to her.

As she pulled away, she felt nothing but guilt. She felt guilty for kissing him. She and Derek were over, but she was still feeling bad. She felt like she betrayed him. She tried to push the thoughts out of her head as she stood there attempting to breathe.

"Did you eat?" He asked as he looked at her.

"I did." Meredith said with a nod. "I ate."

"Are you sure? Maybe we could order something." Craig suggested.

"I ate." She told him as she picked up Liam and walked out of the kitchen.

"So what does all of this mean?" Craig asked as he sat down on the sofa with her.

"I don't know. I just- I need a friend." She told him frankly. "My life is a mess. I just need a friend."

"I want to be more than your friend, Mer." Craig told her honestly.

"I don't know what to do." She said as she leaned back.

"A second ago you were kissing me." He said quickly as he looked into her eyes.

"I'm not just making decisions for me. I am making them for Liam too." Meredith explained.

"If you aren't happy, he can't be. You need to be loved. You need someone you appreciates your beauty. You need a man who makes love to you because he can't keep his hands off of you. You need to remember what it is to be happy." He explained as he grabbed her hand. "I know Liam is your life. And he should be. But you need someone to take care of you while you take care of him."

"It's easier said than done. I had a life mapped out. I knew how it was going to end. Everything has changed. My life is different than what it was supposed to be. I have no idea which way to turn. I have no idea where to go. I just don't know anymore. We gave up. We gave up the fight. We weren't supposed to give up. It was forever. And now, I don't even know what forever is..." She trailed off as she stared into space. She felt Craig grab her hand. Maybe he was right. Just maybe.


	27. Different

Meredith stretched the soft cotton sheets across the mattress guest bedroom. She was nervous. Derek was on his way to pick Lynn up from the airport. She had no idea how they would ever pull it off. She had no idea how they would manage to do this. It was going to be a struggle. Especially when they were always at each other's throats. Meredith fluffed the pillows and looked around. It was ready for her.

Meredith went downstairs and checked on her roast. She wasn't the best cook, but she could manage. She had gotten a lot better when she had to cook for Derek. But now, she rarely did. She couldn't eat, she just wasn't hungry. And Liam was still on baby food and milk. So she would just pick at different things all day long.

Meredith looked over at Liam. She always had the need to have her hands on him. She always wanted to hold him close. She fought the urge to pick him up, and instead sat on the sofa and flipped the t.v. on. 

She couldn't stop feeling the guilt of kissing Craig. It felt wrong. But Derek had a girlfriend. And Meredith was terrified. Life was a mess. Meredith did not know what it was to be alone. She never thought it would be this hard. She had John her whole life, and then Derek. Being alone was killing her. Meredith laid her head back, and quickly drifted off to sleep.

"Mer..." Meredith heard Derek said softly as he shook her shoulder.

"Hmm... Oh!" She said as she jerked awake. "Oh... Mom!" Meredith said quickly as she jumped up from the sofa.

"Mer, honey." Lynn said as she pulled her into and embrace. "Oh dear..."

"What?" Meredith asked in concern as she looked up.

"You're so thin... Are you feeling okay?" Lynn asked her as she looked into her eyes.

"Of course. I think work is just getting me. All the stress." Meredith told her quickly. "Liam is sleeping." She said as she rushed over to the pack and play.

"Wow... He has grown so much." Lynn said with a smile as she looked down at his sleeping form. "He sleep just like Derek did. Look at his little butt up in the air."

"He must feel like his dad... Ready to get screwed up the ass my the hospital." Derek muttered as he looked down.

"Derek Michael! Don't you talk that way! Do you hear me?" Lynn growled as she smacked his arm. "What has gotten into you? Your chid is in the room. Even if he is sleeping, he hears you."

"I'm sorry, mom." Derek told her with a sigh. "The hospital has been insane."

"Have you been working too much?" She asks him as she looks into his eyes. "Has he, Mer?"

"The hospital is a big responsibility." Meredith offered up as she looked at him.

"Oh, don't make excuses. Derek, you should be home with your family." Lynn told him with a nod.

"So, I made a pot roast. It's in the oven." Meredith said as she pointed to the kitchen. "It should be done in awhile."

"Sounds perfect, Meredith." Lynn said with a grin. "I suppose I should take my bags up. The same room as last time?"

"Yes. The third on the left." Meredith told her with a smile.

"I will help you, mom." Derek told her as he walked over and grabbed the bulk of her luggage. Lynn grabbed several bags and began the walk up the stairs.

Meredith was nervous as she walked into the kitchen. She had a feeling that Lynn knew something was going on. She quickly crossed the kitchen. She needed it. She grabbed her bottle of tequila from the cabinet. She was afraid he would catch her, so she decided against a glass, and just took a long swig from the bottle. It helped. It took the edge off.

Derek was nervous as he followed his mother. He was sure that she knew something was up. She had radar. She could tell anything from a mile away. He didn't want to tell her. It was bad enough that his life had changed, that is it inevitable over. But for her to voice her disappointment, neither were ready for that.

"Derek..." Lynn whispered as she placed her bags on the floor.

"Yeah, mom?" Derek asked nervously as he looked at her.

"Is Meredith okay? Don't lie to me! I have never seen her that thin." Lynn told him with a frown.

"Uh... Mer's okay, Mom." Derek lied as he leaned in and kissed her softly on the cheek. "And I think dinner is probably done."

When they came down the stairs, they could smell the roast. Lynn smiled softly, it really was an improvement to what it once was. She looked over to Derek. She knew he was lying. She wasn't sure if Meredith was sick, or whether she was just not taking care of herself. Derek looked at his mom nervously, and then to Meredith.

"Smells great." Derek said softly as he leaned in and kissed her lips softly.

Derek's jaw clenched. He tasted it. Tequila. He knew that taste anywhere. Time and time again he had made love to her to that taste. But all it did was bring her down. He got her sober, and they moved past it. As their eyes met, he had to hold himself back. She was back to drinking. And he was not happy.

"You're drinking..." Derek growled in a whisper into her ear.

"I needed to take the edge off." She admitted in a fake smile as she pulled away from him. "I hope you are hungry, mom." Meredith said with a smile as she placed the roast on the table. She heard Liam begin to cry.

"Oh! I'll get him, dear." Lynn said as she quickly went to the other room and grabbed Liam out of the pack and play.

"Mer... What the hell are you doing?" Derek sneered as he grabbed the potatoes.

"Don't worry about it." Meredith said simply as she grabbed the gravy.

"I will worry about it. Now you are drinking when you take care of our son?" Derek asked in shock.

"Mamamamaaaaa!" Liam cried out as he flailed around. 

"He is definitely a mama's boy..." Lynn pointed out with a chuckle.

"Mamamamaaaaa!" He yelled again as he looked over at his mom.

"I'll take him." Meredith said with a smile as she grabbed him out of Lynn's hands. "You guys eat." She told them as she grabbed baby food and put him in his high chair.

Meredith smiled at her little boy. She loved him. Of everything in the world, he was the only thing that truly mattered to her. She spooned his food into his mouth and leaned forward, giving him a kiss on his forehead. Derek's heart melted as he watched her. Even when he was mad at her, he still loved her.

"Meredith... Would you like me to make you a plate?" Lynn asked as she looked over at her.

"Oh no. I'm fine. I'm good. Just enjoy your dinner." Meredith said softly as she continued to feed Liam.

Lynn didn't like it. She didn't like that Meredith was not taking care of herself. She could tell by the way Derek had his head dropped that there was a problem. Derek was avoiding it, and didn't want to say anything. Lynn grabbed her plate and placed food on it. She would eat.

"Here, Meredith... Eat this." Lynn told her firmly.

"No, really... I'm not that hungry." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Mer.. Just eat some of your dinner." Derek finally said with a frown.

Meredith took a small bite of her food. She didn't have a problem. Why did they have to think that she had a problem? She wasn't hungry. She didn't need to eat if she wasn't hungry. As she swallowed the meat, she let out a sigh. She really didn't want it. She didn't want any of it.

Meredith immersed herself in Liam. It was a way to avoid Derek and Lynn. And the dinner situation. Liam greedily ate his food and made a mess of himself. Meredith cleaned up the tray and dumped her dinner in the trash before she picked Liam up. She gave him a sloppy kiss before she looked at Derek and Lynn.

"He needs a bath. I'll do the dishes after I put him down." Meredith told them as she walked away.

Lynn shook her head as Meredith disappeared. Lynn ate the meal. The food was great. Meredith had done a great job, but she hadn't taken the time to eat of it. She wasn't happy about this. She wasn't going to take this lying down. Meredith had a problem.

"Is she anorexic?" Lynn spat out. Derek looked up at her and sighed.

"I don't know." Derek admitted. "She eats. It's just not much." 

"Like that? Because Derek, that is not eating! Not even close!" Lynn told him frankly.

"I don't know what to do..." Derek admitted as he looked at his mom. "I don't know what to do. It's gotten worse since she quit nursing Liam."

"We have got to do something, Derek. She is disappearing before our eyes. I can't believe you let it get this bad." Lynn scolded him.

"I... I don't know what to say." Derek told her with a sigh as he sat his fork done. He was feeling sick.

Meredith and Derek were doing their best at fake love. To say it was uncomfortable, would be putting it mildly. It was more than uncomfortable. But they were making it work. When Lynn got there, it was already late in the evening. Meredith suffered through a couple of hours of visiting, before she was lucky enough to go to bed.

"So, I have Liam tomorrow, Meredith." Lynn said with a smile. "Don't even worry about getting up." 

"Oh, I can do it." Meredith told her quickly. "He is on our schedule. He wakes up at 4:30am." Meredith explained as she looked up.

"Nonetheless, you need rest. I have him." Lynn told her happily.

"Okay." Meredith agreed, far too tired to argue. "I actually think I am going to head up to bed."

"Goodnight, dear." Lynn said with a smile.

"Goodnight, mom." Meredith responded as she leaned down and gave her a soft kiss.

Meredith rushed upstairs. She really was exhausted. She couldn't wait to crawl under the generous covers and fall asleep. He looked around her closet and opted for a pair of flannel pajamas. She was cold. She was always cold. It was most likely from the weight loss, but she would never admit it.

Just as Meredith laid her head down, she heard her cellphone ring loudly. She grumbled as she grabbed it and took a look. A frown covered her face when she saw it was Craig's number. She let out a sigh and grabbed it off the table.

"Hello..." She muttered as she closed her eyes.

"Hey there. How are you?" Craig asked with a smile.

"Exhausted. Derek's mom is here." Meredith explained as she pulled the covers over her head.

"Oh. His mom. That's- Odd." Craig told her. "Usually after a divorce, things get weird. I guess you should be glad they didn't."

"She doesn't know." Meredith chipped it. "We haven't told her."

"So he is there?" Craig asked, somewhat in shock.

"Yeah, he's here." Meredith told him.

"And you guys are pretending that nothing has every happened..." Craig said, disappointment apparent in his voice. "How long?"

"Oh, a week. I think a week." She said with a sigh. 

"Oh. I was hoping I could take you to dinner tomorrow." Craig said with anticipation.

"Probably not this week." Meredith said quickly. "And I am exhausted. So I will see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Have a good night." Craig grumbled, hanging up before she could answer.

Craig was mad. A wave of jealousy washed over him. She was lying. But that wasn't what bothered him. He didn't care that she was lying to her mother-in-law. He was pissed that she was with Derek. He didn't want Derek in the house with her. She should be with him. She should be at his house. And now Derek was there, and they were paying house. And that just pissed him off.

Meredith could tell that Craig was irritated. She wasn't even sure what to say or think. What they were was still somewhat of a mystery to her. They never talked about it. They never discussed it further. She was hoping they could be good friends. But at the same time, she couldn't help but want more. She couldn't help but want a man that loved her. And he did. Or he seemed to.

Meredith drifted off to sleep. It didn't take long. Even with all of the thoughts running through her head, exhaustion took over. She fell into the perfect deep sleep that she needed. And then she woke up. She jerked awake and looked over.

Derek was sleeping peacefully beside her. A feeling washed over her. She didn't like it. It was a mixture of sadness and need. She wanted him. She wanted to touch him. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to make it all better. But she couldn't. He made that clear. He got an apartment. He got a girlfriend. He had moved on.

Meredith quickly climbed out of bed. Quietly, she grabbed her pillow and the extra heavy down comforter. She headed over to the sofa by the fireplace. She was actually happy that they had made their bedroom so lavish. They were lucky enough to have a bedroom with a beautiful fireplace. It was there for them. They original thought was to make love by the fire. Now it offered her a way out, without Lynn knowing. Meredith laid down on the sofa and stuck her back against the back of it. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep for the second time that night.

"What are you doing?" Meredith groaned when she felt someone touch her. She opened her groggy eyes and looked up into Derek's. He was carrying her.

"You can have the bed, Mer. I didn't think it would be a problem." He told her with a sigh.

"I was fine." She moaned as she looked up at him. "I was good."

"I just don't get it. We've slept together for how long?" He asked as he looked at her.

"It's different now." She said with a sigh. "So different..." Derek dropped his head and went to the sofa. Different he did not like.


	28. Don't Know How

Meredith woke up, stretched across the bed. That was how she slept now. She used to sleep on her side, leaving plenty of room for Derek. But now that she was by herself, she spread her body across. She let out a soft moan as she stretched her legs and back. She opened her eyes, realizing that she was in her bed. She remembered going to the sofa.

Meredith threw the covers back and climbed out. It was early. She didn't need to get up for another half an hour. But she was awake, and she was ready. A tiny bit of Meredith was sad when she saw Derek's long frame laying on the sofa. They shouldn't even be in this position. They shouldn't be lying about it.

"Derek." Meredith said quickly as she poked him in the shoulder.

"Hmm... What?" He asked as he looked up at her.

"What time do you have to be up?" She asked him as she glanced at the clock.

"Six." He muttered as he covered his eyes.

"Why don't you get in the bed?" She asked as she pointed. "I will reset the alarm."

"I'm already here. If you would just reset the alarm, that would be great." He told her as he rolled into the back of the sofa and covered his head.

Meredith let out a sigh as she walked over and made the bed. She felt bad. She just did, and no one could stop her. She wished she didn't. But she couldn't help it. No matter how much he hurt her. No matter how much he hated her. She would always love him. She reset the alarm for six and made her way into Liam's room.

Liam was adorable. He was the light of her life. She looked down at him. He was already awake, looking up at her with his blue eyes. He seemed perfectly content playing with his hands and talking gibberish. A smile covered her face as she leaned in and picked him up.

"Leelee, you are getting so big." She said with a smile as they walked down the hallway. "Someday, I think you will be lost bigger than mommy. Maybe you can carry mommy around. Someone will have to." She muttered as she looked off.

She laid in bed at night and wondered. Would she be alone? Would she get frail and old and everyone would forget about her? Liam was the light of her life, and she was already expecting that he would be there for her. It was selfish, and she knew it. But he was all she had. She had to actively tell herself not to do that. She couldn't hold him back. Everyone would flourish around her. And she would be alone.

Meredith loved her alone time with him. It was all the other times that killed her. She knew he would be walking soon. He was making milestones everyday. Erin was doing sign language with him, and she was sure that she was grasping it. She didn't understand much sign language, but she loved that he was learning it. And she was trying to learn herself.

"I told you I could take him." Lynn said as she walked into the kitchen.

"I was already up. And so was he." Meredith explained as she kissed him on the head. "Do you like that, big guy?" Meredith asked as he picked up a piece of banana and placed it in his mouth.

"Wow... He is a good eater." Lynn pointed out.

"You have no idea. And all of his food in in that cabinet. And he had his own shelf and drawer in the refrigerator. Are you sure you will be okay with him?" Meredith asked.

"Meredith... I have five kids, and twelve grandchildren. I will be fine." Lynn said as she rubbed his cheek. "Can you say nana?" She asked him softly.

"Mama." He said with a smile, followed by gibberish.

"So, dear... Do you want breakfast?" Lynn asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Oh no, I'm fine." Meredith told her as she spooned a bite of baby food into Liam's mouth.

"This has to stop!" Lynn said frankly as she looked up at Meredith.

"Excuse me?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I am talking about! Stop this, Meredith!" Lynn said loudly as she sat down in front of her.

"Mom." Meredith grumbled as she rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. I know what you are talking about. I eat. Okay? I am fine."

"Don't you roll your eyes at me. I can't handle this." Lynn told her. "You don't eat! And you are hurting yourself. You look horrible. You are way too thin. You look unhealthy." She spat. "You have a problem. And damn-it, I am not going to let you kill yourself. I am not letting my grandson be left motherless."

"I eat." Meredith said as she looked at the floor. "I do eat. I just..."

"Talk to me." Lynn said as she grabbed her hand. "Please."

"I was stressed out. I was stressed out over work... Everything. I was fat after Liam. I was too fat. And Derek- I needed to lose weight. And I- I know it sounds stupid... I would forget. I would forget to eat. I would get busy and I just learned to ignore it. And now, I know I need to, but I can't. I just feel sick when I do." Meredith said with a frown. "I know I look disgusting. Look at me. I'm a failure. I am worthless." Meredith said as she cried.

"Oh, Meredith. That is not true. Do you hear me?" Lynn asked as she hugged her softly. "Having children is rough. Especially with the job you have. And Derek is never here. I understand. But you need to make a conscious effort. You are not disgusting. Or worthless. You are stressed. You are beautiful. And I love you. And I do not want to see you hurt yourself. Try for me. Try for Liam." Lynn said as she kissed her head. "Baby steps. I will make you some scrambled eggs, okay?"

"Okay." Meredith said with a nod. She was great. But she was better. Lynn did seem to understand. Even if she really had no idea.

Meredith walked quietly around the hospital. She was almost afraid to see Craig. She was in that avoiding mode. She didn't want to talk about the fact that Derek was staying back in the house. She didn't want to tell him that they were back to playing house, and attempting to do it even better than when they were married. So she avoided. She had to.

Meredith looked up to see her intern. She was actually working. Researching. Meredith liked to see that. She liked to see her interns actually interested in medicine. They needed to do thing on their own. They needed to search it out, instead of expecting the hospital to teach them everything. Every little bit made the difference. And the ones who tried, they had the advantage.

"Dr. Jennison." Meredith muttered as she walked up. "You and I are scrubbing in on a rhinoplasty with Sloan in and hour. You need to find him, and begin to prep the patient." Meredith explained as she looked up.

"Right away, Dr. Shep- Dr. Grey." Katie said with a nod as she walked away.

"Thank you." Meredith groaned as she looked down the hall, seeing Derek.

Derek's eyes locked with hers. She quickly looked away. She didn't want to encourage any kind of conversation with any man today. She flipped open her chart and sighed. She was hoping that Lynn was doing okay with Liam. She had all the confidence in the world with Lynn. But Lynn didn't know him. Not like Erin did.

"Hey, whore." Cristina said as she walked up.

"Hey." Meredith muttered as she drew in a breath.

"So, I still can't believe you never came back the other night. I have to give you credit, I never thought you would screw him on a first date, but good for you." Cristina said with a smile.

"Screw- God, Cristina. That was a week ago. Where the hell have you been?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Here. And loving every minute of it." Cristina said with a smile. "I have been getting every good surgery... So. Was she good?"

"Him. Oh god no... I didn't- There was no way. I left in the middle of the date." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Seriously? Oh god, Mer. You need to get a life." Cristina said as she rolled her eyes.

"I wasn't ready. I tried, okay. And it wasn't- Derek was on a date. Some blonde. And I couldn't sit there and watch that. Not to mention, the guy- I don't know. He rubbed me the wrong way." Meredith replied frankly.

"So McDreamy was on a McDate?" Cristina said, shaking her head.

"Yeah." Meredith sighed as she felt a chill come up her spine.

"Wow. Did you freak out?" Cristina asked as she looked up at her.

"I went to Joe's... Craig, luckily he was there. That's why I didn't come home. He took me to his house." Meredith explained with a nod. "I was plastered. I just- I couldn't- I needed that tequila."

"You don't have a problem with tequila." Cristina said dumbly. "So you screwed him? Kovac? He's- He's hot. I mean, okay for being a death squad doctor. But yeah... I'd do him. Was he big?"

"I didn't screw him!" Meredith spat as she rolled her eyes. "What is it with you thinking I am screwing everyone?" Meredith asked frankly.

"You should be. McDreamy is McAss now, and he is moving on. You should be too." Cristina said frankly. Meredith's eye's got wide when she looked up, seeing Craig coming her way.

"Hey... I thought you were avoiding me." He said as he walked up and put his hand softly on her arm. "Afternoon." He told Cristina.

"Eh." Cristina muttered as she looked up at him.

"I was trying to." Meredith admitted frankly. "But apparently I did not do a good job? But yes, avoiding..."

"I figured as much." Craig said softly. "I'm sorry for last night. I know I was a bit of an ass. I just- He hurt you, and him being around... I don't want him to do it again. So I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be that way. So how are you feeling?"

"Good." Meredith said with a nod.

"That's good. You want to grab some lunch?" Craig asked as he looked up at her.

"Eh... I have surgery with Sloan." Meredith said with a smile. "In about thirty minutes."

"I see how you are." He joked. "That's fine. I'll see you later. Have a good day, okay?" He asked as he kissed her cheek softly.

"You too." Meredith agreed as she looked up and watched him walk off.

"Okay... What the hell was that?" Cristina asked in shock. "You and him! You didn't tell me. Man- I can't believe it. He is wow... Were you ever going to tell me about you and him?"

"Uh... Its complicated. I'm not really sure what it is." Meredith said with a sigh.

"It's something... Definitely something. He wants you. And I say get it while the getting is good. McDreamy is getting his, you get yours. I'd do him." Cristina said with a chuckle.

"You would, whore." Meredith joked as she looked up.

"So true... So true." Cristina said as she walked away. "Do him already." Meredith stood there and shook her head. Maybe she was right.

Craig did feel like somewhat of an ass for the way he had acted towards Meredith. He liked her. From the minute he saw her at Addison's, he was stunned. She enthralled him. He had a girlfriend, but he didn't care. It was an attraction beyond words. It was intense. Even just seeing her that one time, he wanted her. He started basing decisions on her. He played the cards just right. He wanted her, and he made sure to say just what she wanted to hear. He couldn't believe that it all fell into place, but it had. It fell perfectly.

Derek was competition. But at the same time, he wasn't. The man was a fool. He was so far in over his head, he had no idea how to crawl out. He had an obvious passion for the hospital, and no idea about priorities. Craig had been worried about him. But it didn't take him long to realize it wasn't an issue. He hadn't been satisfying Meredith's needs in a long time. And that left Craig in the perfect position to move in. Meredith was the type of woman that needed love. She needed passion. And he could give her that. And more.

Craig was a cocky man. Somewhat like Derek, but with different motives. Derek was arrogant about himself, but even more arrogant about his job. His ego was overinflated, and everyone supported it. Around the hospital, he was the neuro god. Craig was cocky in a different way. Craig liked women. He liked to seduce them. He loved to love them. And when he saw Meredith, he saw in instant lover, and an instant family. He like Liam. It was perfect. He liked to get what he wanted. And he wasn't afraid to throw it in everyone's faces when he did.

As Craig walked into the cafeteria. He was feeling full of himself. His chest swelled with pride. Things were moving well. He kissed Meredith on the cheek, and she didn't pull away. There was a gossip mill that ran rampant in Seattle Grace. And he was sure they were in it. It made him feel great. It made him feel in charge. As he walked through the line and grabbed a sub, he spotted Derek sitting off in the cafeteria at his own table. Craig smiled. Perfect. Time to taunt.

"Hey." Craig said with a smile as he walked up to the table.

"Oh, hey." Derek answered, unsure of why Craig was over there.

"Mind if I sit?" Craig asked as he pulled out his chair. Even if Derek did mind, Craig was still sitting there. He had to mark his territory.

"Sure." Derek said simply as he forked his salad.

"So, you're back at the house." Craig stated frankly.

Derek could sense the animosity from Craig. He could tell that it pissed Craig off. What he didn't get, was if nothing was going on, than why did he care. Craig brought it up for a reason, and Derek was wondering just what that reason was. Either way, he could play just as hell as any other guy. And he was up for the fight.

"I am." Derek agreed as he looked up. "Why do you care?"

"Well, seeing as Mer and I are in a relationship..." Craig pointed out. "I just think it odd. You come back to play house. That was you don't have to tell your mom."

"You're what? relationship?" Derek asked, his attention piqued. He was hung up on that. "I just talked to you days ago. Meredith said nothing was going on."

"Oh. Things are going on." Craig said with a smile. "They are going on." He said, definitely suggesting that he and Meredith were having sex. "All the time."

"You know what, you are a real arrogant son of a bitch." Derek pointed out.

"Possibly. I thought you would be happy. She is. You can't satisfy her, and I am. Besides, you moved on. Why shouldn't she?" Craig asked frankly. "I was hoping you would wish us luck."

"You are talking about fucking my wife, you prick." Derek growled as he felt the anger surging.

"Ex- Ex-wife." Craig said quickly. "Divorce. You signed. I'm not sure what you think your rights are. But don't worry about her. She's happy. I keep her satisfied."

"Fuck you." Derek spat as he stood up. "And I did not move on. I'm not sure what the fuck you are talking about. You think you've got it all..." Derek chuckled. "And you are one stupid fucker if you think that." He had to get out of there before he hit him. He couldn't start w brawl. Not as chief. As much as he wanted to, he had to pull himself away.

Craig looked up at Derek in shock. He didn't expect that. Derek marched away angrily. He could see the anger in his body language. Craig wasn't really sure what Derek was thinking. Now he was beginning to wonder if this was a war. If it was a war, it was one he wanted to win. And he would. He would.

Derek could feel the anger boiling over. He had never met such and arrogant asshole in his life. For him to sit there and say that he and Meredith were having sex was too much for him. He didn't know. He wasn't sure if they were having sex or not. He didn't know anything anymore. Well, he knew one thing. The idea of Meredith moving on, it made him sick.

Meredith stood into the scrub room next to her intern. She was already tried. She wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was the stress. She couldn't seem to turn her brain off. It just kept spinning and going crazy. She was in an emotional mess about Derek and Craig. Having Derek around in the house was driving her crazy. It was hard to pretend. And even harder to pretend that you didn't want to pretend.

"Dr. Grey." Mark said with a nod as he looked over at her.

"Dr. Sloan." Meredith said with a smile as she walked up to the table.

Meredith watched Mark. It took a certain person to do plastics. Had to be someone with and open mind. Meredith could never do it. She couldn't have anything to do with stupid people wanting to change their body image, and going crazy over it. It was different when someone was injured or mamed. But to get larger breasts and a face-lift, she couldn't get that. But Mark, it suited him well. He was precise, and he had the patience.

"So, how is it going?" Mark asked as he looked over at Meredith.

"It's going." Meredith said with a sigh.

"I heard that mom is in town." Mark said with a smile. "And I have to ask, how the hell are you guys doing it?"

"We are... Doing it." She admitted with a sigh. "It's hell. Living a lie. I love mom. And to sit there and pretend, it's horrible. But at the same time, I can't tell her. I love her. And how do I tell her that I divorced her son? I can't tell her that I have split of her grandson's family in two. I can't tell her that I gave up because I couldn't handle it. And that her son has a girlfriend and lives in an apartment. Or that I have a- A thing and I don't know which end is up, or one day from another." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Oh, Mer... I'm sorry." Mark said with a sigh. "I don't even- I cannot pretend to have an idea of how hard this is. I see what you mean. Mom, she always had dreams for Derek. And everyone knew that she loved you two together. She had high hopes for you guys. And I can't imagine having to tell her that you just couldn't do it. And Mer, you can't have guilt. You can only do what you can do." Mark pointed out.

"You are right. When I was there- When I was in the middle of it all, it was hell. All I could think was that I needed to get out. Everyday I felt like I was suffocating. And the minute it was over, I was expecting to feel better. I thought that the oxygen would fill my lungs and I would come back to life. But then, it didn't. I didn't feel any better. I almost felt worse. And now... I don't know. Maybe I did make a mistake. Maybe I did gave up too soon. But it's too late. Derek has moved on..." She said as she trailed off and stared.

"And now so have you." He said sadly. "What is this I hear about you and Craig?" Mark asked, eager for the gossip.

"I have no idea. He's nice. He's great. And I- I really like him. I think he's a great guy. And Liam likes him a lot. But I don't know what I'm ready for. I want to move on, but I don't. I just want what I had, and I will never have that again." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Well, Mer... It is your life. Only you know what you can take. You are the only one that can make yourself happy." Mark told her frankly.

"I know. The only problem is... I have no idea how to do that." She said with a sigh.

**Reviews make the world go around!**


	29. Finally Getting It

Meredith sat back on the sofa. She, Derek and Lynn were all watching t.v. Meredith loved Lynn to death, but she could not wait for Lynn to go home. She was tired of playing this charade. She was tired of all of the lies. She was tired of not being able to do as she pleased. She looked up at the t.v. She wasn't even watching what was on.

They both had busy days at the hospital. Apparently Liam had been perfect for Lynn. She took him out walking on the trails, made sure he had a good breakfast and lunch, and spent most of the day just entertaining him. Being that Lynn lived so far away, she had to pack in as much time with her favorite grandson as she could.

Meredith had gotten home earlier than Derek. Lynn had dinner ready and they shared a quick, and nearly silent dinner. Meredith took a shower, trying to avoid talking. This morning the talking had come to more than she wanted it to. And Meredith was concerned that if she spent too much time with Lynn, Lynn would realize just what was going on.

When Derek pulled into the garage, Meredith was actually angry. He was home at a decent hour. It had been how long since he had done that? And now, since Lynn was here, he was getting home early every night. He couldn't do it for them, but to impress his mom, he seemed to have no problem. Meredith quickly stood up and began to walk out of the room.

"Is everything okay?" Lynn asked as she looked up.

"Oh... Yeah. I'm just going to check on Liam." She said as she walked away.

Derek sat there in silence. This was not how he wanted it to be. He wanted to be here, but not under these circumstances. He couldn't get the anger out. He was so pissed at Craig, he could kill him. He couldn't believe the audacity. Craig was a friend. They had occasional drinks. They talked. And now he was after his wife.

"Maybe you should talk to her." Lynn pointed out as she looked over.

"About what?" Derek asked with furrowed brows.

"She seems upset." Lynn said as she pointed for him to go.

Derek did want to talk to her. He wanted to scream. He wanted to tell her that Craig was an asshole, and she needed to stay away from him. But he couldn't. He had to think about it. He had to figure out what the best way was to do it. He didn't want it to be more detrimental than not.

"He is amazing." Derek said softly as he walked into Liam's room.

"He is." Meredith agreed as she stroked his cheek.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked softly as he looked over at her.

"How can you ask that? My whole world is upside down. And I- Now she is here, and I have to lie." Meredith said as she began to whimper.

"Oh, Mer..." Derek said softly as he pulled her close.

Meredith felt so comfortable against his chest. It was like home. It was the only place she wanted to be. She wanted to be against him. But she couldn't. She couldn't go back to that. She couldn't return to that heartache.

"No, Derek... You have a- And Craig he's a nice guy. And maybe we can do this. You and I, we could move on." Meredith said as she pulled away.

"Craig is not a nice guy!" Derek spat loudly. "That guy is an asshole, and he has been after you forever. He wants to hurt you, Mer. Why are you being so blind about this?"

"What is your problem, Derek? You can't let me be happy?" She yelled as she looked at him.

"He will never make you happy. That's the problem." Derek growled. "He is out for you. He has bad intentions. He wants a good lay."

"Whatever, Derek. I don't get what your fucking problem is. Besides, you have a girlfriend." Meredith said as she looked at the floor.

"What?" Derek asked in shock. "I don't have a girlfriend!"

"You do too... I saw you. At the restaurant that night, Derek. I saw you. It's fine... Whatever. Move on. I don't care." Meredith cried out softly.

"She isn't my girlfriend... She was a drug rep. It was a free dinner." Derek said quickly.

"Whatever. I saw you. You never go on those dinners. I don't get why you would lie about it. I don't care. I doesn't change anything. Besides, I have Craig." Meredith said, feeling hurt.

"No. Craig is a bastard. And I- I do not have a girlfriend." Derek stated firmly as he looked into her eyes. She looked away, avoiding eye contact.

"Ma!" Liam said loudly as he looked up.

"Hey, Leelee... How would you like to go see Grandma?" Meredith asked as she scooped him up.

Derek stood there in shock. She didn't believe him. And she was defensive about Craig. He couldn't believe it. She had no idea. She was in denial about everything. Maybe he shouldn't have been so frank about Craig, but he had gotten so angry. Derek took in a breath and followed her out of the room. On with the lie.

Meredith couldn't stand it. The anger she felt for Derek was too much. She didn't how Derek could get home on time every night. But when she needed him, he wasn't there. She pulled her Jeep into the driveway next to his car. Today was the last day that Lynn would be in their house. And then it would get back to normal. Or the new normal.

As Meredith walked into the house, she smelled lasagna. She loved Lynn's lasagna. It was always her favorite. But eating dinner was far from her mind. She was just too mad. She just finished a thirty hour shift at the hospital, and she knew Derek hadn't been there for most of that thirty hours.

"Oh, you're home!" Lynn said happily as she looked up at Meredith.

"I am." Meredith moaned as she looked at Liam. "Liam! How is my guy?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek. Derek had Liam on the floor and was playing with him. It was sweet, but it actually upset her more than anything. To see him being a full time father when Lynn was around, and know that he was a part time father at best, made her mad. "Liam..." She said softly as she walked up to Liam and scooped him up.

"Mamama..." Liam babbled as Meredith held him close.

"We were playing..." Derek said softly as he stood up and kissed him on the head. "How was your day?" Derek asked as he leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"Seriously?" Meredith snapped. "Seriously? You are going to do that, Derek? Come on! How often were you home before mommy came to visit? You are a conniving bastard." She growled as she looked at him.

"Oh, that's good Mer. That is just what Liam needs to hear." Derek said as he rolled his eyes and shook his head, grabbing Liam away.

"Derek... I just. Never mind." She said as she walked away.

Meredith walked into the dining room. Lynn was in the bathroom and Derek was in the great room. Meredith quickly opened the cupboard and grabbed out her bottle of tequila. Derek didn't know that she had a bottle stored in the buffet. She never drank when she was alone with Liam. She was smart enough to know not to do that. She quickly took a swig and looked up when she heard the floor creak.

"You can't go a day, can you?" Derek asked in disgust.

"I don't have a problem, Derek. The only problem I have is you." She said as she put the bottle back in the buffet.

"Take our son." Derek told her as he handed Liam to her.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she watched him open the buffet up. "Well, apparently your boyfriend doesn't think you have a problem either. I'm sure he lets you drink whenever you want. You are much easier to screw when you are a little toasted." Derek said as he walked into the kitchen and began pouring it down the sink.

"Screw you! And who do you think you are, pouring that out. That is mine. And this is my house." Meredith said nastily.

"You're right. But it doesn't look like anyone else is going to save you." Derek said quickly.

"I don't need saving." Meredith snapped as she looked at him. "I'm fine."

"Oh yes, your famous words. The queen of fine. Too bad you're not." Derek said as he walked away from her.

"So I hope you are-" Lynn started and stopped when she could feel the tension in the air.

"I'm starving, mom." Meredith said with a smile as she watched Lynn grab out the lasagna.

"Good. I'm glad." Lynn said with a smile as she watched Derek set the table.

They all sat silently around the table. No one knew what to say. Lynn could tell that there was a ton of tension between the pair. She wasn't sure what they were fighting about, but it seemed pretty bad. She didn't know how to break the ice. But it seemed to her, the ice was thick.

Meredith was having a harder and harder time keeping it together. She didn't know how much longer she could keep the lie up. She was mad at Derek, mad at herself. She was mad at the world. Meredith took a bite of the lasagna and gave Liam a small bite of soft food.

"So are you ready to go home, mom?" Derek asked her softly.

"I am." Lynn said with a smile. "Not that I don't love it here, but I need to get back to my life."

"We understand." Meredith said with a nod and a smile. "It's nice to get back to normal life."

Derek didn't know what to say. He knew that Meredith was mad at him. He knew that she hadn't fallen off the wagon and into the dirt yet. At the moment, she was just hanging off of the back and being dragged behind. He didn't want to threaten to take Liam away. But he would if he thought it would save her.

"I'll do the dishes. You two go play with your son." Lynn said frankly as she pointed to the great room.

Meredith walked into the great room and placed Liam on the floor. They always did as Lynn said. It was like an unspoken rule. You did it. Period. They both watched as Liam crawled around and grabbed his toys. He was amazing. To them, he was the greatest thing in the world. He crawled up to Meredith and tried to crawl on her.

"Mamamaaaa..." Liam said loudly as he giggled.

"I am mama. And this is dada. That's daddy. Liam. Can you say daddy?" Meredith asked as she pointed to Derek. "Please... Say it, Liam. Say dada."

"Dada." Derek said as he grabbed his hand. "Can you say it?" Derek asked softly.

"Ma." Liam said with a smile. "Ma."

"Da." Derek said quickly. "Dada."

"Dada, Liam. Say dada." Meredith begged as she looked at Liam. "Fine. Be that way." Meredith said as she laid on her back on the floor and let him crawl on her stomach. Derek laid on his side and watched Liam.

"I'm sorry, Me. I just worry about you." Derek said frankly as he looked over at her.

"Derek... We drifted apart. We- We lost it all. You can't worry anymore. I'm not your problem." Meredith told him frankly.

"You are not a problem. And I will always worry about you because I love you." Derek said as he looked at her.

"You love me?" Meredith asked in shock.

"I will always love you. You are the love of my life. You're my soulmate." Derek told her with sad eyes.

"No. We can't do this." Meredith said quickly. "We just- We can't." She said sadly. Liam quickly crawled off of her and to Derek.

"Dadadaaa!" He shouted as he got into his face.

"Oh my god! Did he?" Meredith asked in shock.

"Oh my god. He said it! He said it!" Derek said in shock as he leaned over and kissed her.

Meredith laid back as Derek covered his body with hers. It felt so perfect. So at home. Liam sat on his butt and looked at his mom and dad. Derek gently parted her lips and let his tongue slid in. Meredith moaned as she tasted her tongue against his. Derek could feel himself reacting to her body. All he wanted was her. Forever.

Derek felt more at home with his mouth over hers than he had in a long time. Everything he ever felt for her resurfaced in their touch. She was his wife. She was the loved of his life. He was momentarily transported back to that first day. The day he would never forget.

i_Derek glances over. Their eyes lock. He feels like he is looking into her soul. She gave him a calm feeling, like nothing he had ever felt. Like floating over a soft green blue sea. Those green eyes pulled him in like a magnet._

_"I'm Derek Shepherd. Are you my intern?" Derek asks, knowing the answer. He looks into her eyes. She is beautiful. He feels like he has never felt before. Like she was his soul-mate._

_"Yes, I'm Dr. Thompson." Meredith answers as she sticks out her hand. She can't stop looking into those eyes. Their connection is broken when they hear machines rapidly beeping._

_"That's our patient." Derek says quickly. He explains what is going on as they run in the room. They begin helping the patient, who is coding._

_"He's stable now." The nurse said quickly._

_"Good! Now Dr. Thompson, take him for a full work up and let me now when we get the results." He tells her with a smile._

_"Right away, Sir!" Meredith tells him with a nod._

_Derek meets up with is friend, and famous plastic surgeon, Mark Sloan in the hallway. He can't get off of the cloud he is floating on. He doesn't want to. She is amazing. He doesn't even know her, but he knows that is is amazing. So many perfect layers._

_"Hey, what's going on? You look distracted." Mark pointed out as he put a chart away._

_"I think I just met my soul-mate." Derek mumbled as he looked off._

_"WHAT? Are you Okay? You the man who won't commit? Didn't you say there was "No woman for you."?" Mark asked in shock as he looked at his friend._

_"How did you feel when you met Addison?" Derek asked quickly._

_"Like I met my soul-mate..." Mark replied with a chuckle._

_"Okay then... " Derek answered with a nod._

_"You want to grab a cup of coffee?" Mark asked as he began to walk off._

_"Sure." Derek agreed./i_

Derek had to get back there. Back to where it all began. He had to talk to Mark. He had to make this right. He had no idea how. She was so damn stubborn. And he was tired. But someone had to fight. And he had to get the nerve to do it.

Meredith let herself enjoy it for a moment. She let herself enjoy it. She let herself succumb to Derek's touch. She missed him. She missed him so much. She fell back, pretending like it was a year before. Pretending that life was good. Pretending that they were back to the moments of bliss that they shared. Then reality came hard and quick.

"No..." Meredith whimpered as she pulled away. "We can't do this." She said softly.

"I'm sorry." Derek apologized as he looked into her eyes. "I got caught up."

"We aren't those people anymore." Meredith said sadly as she sat up. "I can't handle it, Derek. I can't go back..." She trailed off.

She had given up. Derek saw it. She gave up on everything. She refused to go back. That broke his heart. They both let things go when they should have fought. And now she was trying to move on. He wanted her to move on with him. And he did not want her moving on with Craig. Not a chance.

"How is my grandson?" Lynn asked as she walked in and got on the floor.

"He said dada, mom. He actually said it!" Derek said exuberantly.

"Isn't that the best feeling in the world?" Lynn asked frankly.

"It was amazing." Derek admitted as he kissed Liam's head.

"He is amazing." Meredith agreed as Liam crawled to her.

"Ma..." Liam muttered along with gibberish.

"Really? You think so?" She asked him as she looked down at him. "Can you say dada?"

"Ma." Liam said defiantly.

"Of course." Derek laughed with a smile.

He was Derek. He was a mini-Derek right in front of her face. The telltale curl was already starting. And his bright blue eyes looked into her soul, just as Derek's did. Derek was the love of her life, just as she was his. But sometimes love cannot survive. And Liam was her tie to her soul mate, even if they couldn't make it.

"He loves you Meredith." Lynn pointed out. "All children love their parents, but he adores you."

"He does. He knows who his mom is." Derek said with a smile.

"You two have a special connection.." Lynn said softly as she rubbed his head.

"Every day, he does something that amazes me." Meredith said as she held him close and he grabbed her face. "You be nice!" She warned as he pinched her face.

"Tonight, you sleep, Meredith. This is my last night here. And you have to work early is the morning. I have him this time, and I mean it." Lynn said frankly.

"Oh, mom. It's your last night. You shouldn't have to worry about it. Besides, I enjoy every minute of it." Meredith said with a smile.

Lynn sat back and looked at the pair. Something was off. Something was definitely off between them. They weren't the touchy-feely couple they used to be. Derek used to be so in love with her that he couldn't keep his hands off of her. Stolen kisses, whispering in her ear. They were reminiscent of high schoolers. And now, she hadn't seen any of that. In a week, all she saw was a couple awkward kissing. Something was definitely amiss. And she couldn't leave until she knew just what that was.

**Please Review!**


	30. Going Our or Not

Meredith stood in front of the mirror. She smoothed out her top and tugged it down. It was baggy. Everything was baggy these days. She took Lynn Shepherd's advice to heart. She was trying to gain some weight. She was trying to make sure she was healthy for her son. Taking care of herself the way she had been wasn't working anymore.

Meredith was going out to dinner. Craig had asked her at lunch. She and Liam. To her, that was big. Men didn't have any interest in women with kids. And they had even less interest in women with babies. Meredith took one last glance in the mirror before she headed to Liam's nursery.

Meredith looked down at the smiling baby. She quickly picked him up and walked him to the changing table. She grabbed out a pair of navy blue leggings and a light blue matching shirt with a cartoon dog on it. She loved the outfit, it made his eyes stand out like nothing else. He was a gorgeous kid, just like his dad had been.

"Are you going to be a good boy at dinner?" Meredith asked as she a sock on his foot. Before she put on the other sock, she tickled the bottom of his foot softly. The baby began giggling and pulling away as she continued on. "You better be!"

Just as she grabbed out his little jacket, she heard the doorbell ring. She needed to get out. She had been stuck in the house and hospital for what seemed like forever. She grabbed Liam, his diaper bag and his jacket and made her way downstairs. Just as she reached the bottom step, she saw Craig's face at the door.

"Hey!" She said with a smile as she opened the door up.

"Hi there. Hi Liam... How are you today?" He asked as he tickled Liam's cheek gently.

"He's good." Meredith said with a smile. "Crap... He needs shoes... Uh-" Meredith muttered as she looked towards the stairs.

"Where are they?" Craig asked as he looked around. "I'll get them."

"In his room. You will see them, by the door." Meredith said with a smile as she laid him on the sofa and pulled his jacket on. "So what is new with you, Liam Patrick?" Meredith asked with a smile as she leaned down and kissed his head.

Just as Meredith leaned down to pick Liam up, she heard a key in the door. Her heart stopped as she looked up, seeing Derek turning the handle. She didn't want him to know. She didn't want him to see Craig in their home. It was their home, even if Derek didn't live there. After the week they had, she just didn't need it.

"Hey." Derek said with a smile as he looked up at her.

"Oh... Hey." Meredith said with a weak smile. "What are you doing here?" She asked softly.

"I got them... Are you ready to- Oh. Derek." Craig said as he jogged down the stairs and looked up.

"Craig. What are you doing here?" Derek asked, out of a mixture of shock and anger.

"Meredith, Liam and I are going to dinner." Craig said with a sarcastic smirk as he looked up.

"Oh. Really?" Derek said as he looked up at Meredith. "You're taking our son out?"

"I am." Meredith said as she scooped Liam up and held him close. "Do you need something?"

"Well, I was hoping we could talk." Derek said quickly.

"Oh... Well we were getting ready to leave. Tomorrow maybe?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

"Oh. Yeah." Derek said quickly.

He didn't like this. He didn't like his wife going out with another man. He didn't like Craig in his home. It took all of his restraint to keep himself from hitting the man square in the jaw. He looked so smug, tending to Meredith and Liam. He was moving in on his family. He was moving in on his turf.

"By the way... I'd like to take Liam this weekend." Derek said quickly as he looked her square in the eye.

"What?" Meredith asked in a panicked shock. "What do you mean? You can't take him."

"According to the court I can. I haven't taken him yet. I think it is time, Meredith." Derek told her with a nod. "Friday night?"

"Derek... You can't take him. You don't have anywhere to keep him." Meredith said quickly as she began to tear up.

"He has a nursery at my apartment. It's time for me to see my son." Derek said as he looked at her.

"But... You have work. You will have to work." She told him as the tears slid down.

"I will see you Friday, Mer. Friday at seven." He told her frankly.

"Derek..." She cried out as he walked away.

It was a low blow. Derek regretted it as he climbed in his car. He felt bad for being so nasty. She hurt him. To see her with Craig, it made him sick. It made him mad. He clenched his jaw. He thought they were getting somewhere, and now he was not feeling it. Now he was feeling like revenge. And he got it. And it didn't feel that great.

Meredith felt like she was going to fall. She felt like she was losing everything again. She sat Liam down in his carrier and sat on the sofa. She was trying to be strong, but she couldn't hold it in. She couldn't take the pain. Not at the moment. She leaned forward, put her hands on her face, and sobbed.

Craig was in shock as he stood there. That was the way to fight. Derek was his competition, and now Derek had made himself look like an ass. Craig quickly rushed over to the sofa and sat next to her. He gently pulled her into his side and kissed her head.

"I'm sorry, Mer." Craig said softly as he stroked her hair.

"He's going to take him. Derek is going to take Liam from me. I need him. He's all I have!" Meredith cried out loudly as collapsed into his side.

"That's not true, Mer. You have me." Craig told her as he grabbed her face and looked into her eyes.

"He's my son... It has been him and I. I can't lose him, Craig. I cannot lose him!" She sobbed as she sat there.

Meredith felt as if she was losing it all. Liam was all she had. He was the glue that held her together. She knew that Derek had a right to see his son. But she couldn't help but feel like he was doing it out of spite. She gave birth to him. She raised him. She was up for late night feedings. She had more rights. She had all the right in the world.

"Meredith... Derek wants to take him for the weekend. Not for life. Not forever." Craig said as he brushed away her tears. "It's not forever."

"I know. But this is step one. Then Derek will take him from me. He will marry that girl, and take him." Meredith cried as she sat there. Liam looked over at his mom and started to whimper. "Oh Leelee." She told him and she picked him up and pulled him close. "Mama is so sorry. She's just upset. Dada is going to have you this weekend."

"Da?" Liam asked as he looked around.

"Yeah... Da." Meredith said as she held him close.

"So... Instead of going out, do you want pizza?" Craig asked as he looked over at her.

"Really? You'd be okay with that?" She asked in shock.

"Of course. You don't want to go out. We'll order some pizza, you can get some pajamas on and get Liam ready for bed. It'll be good." Craig said with a smile as he looked into her bloodshot eyes.

"Thanks." Meredith said with a smile.

"No problem." Craig said with a smile. "Garden pizza?"

"Sounds great." Meredith agreed as she picked Liam up. "I'm going to give him a quick bath."

"Sounds perfect. I'll order the pizza." Craig said with a nod as he stood up.

He liked Meredith, he really did. As he watched her walk away, he couldn't help but feel that he needed her physically. He needed her. He knew that she wasn't really ready, but he had to start playing his cards right now. And this weekend, with Liam out of the house, it would be the perfect time.

Meredith slid on a pair of flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt. She was beyond distraught. She felt like her world was ending. She had never been away from him. Not for one day had she been away from Liam. It broke her heart. Even the thought, made her sick.

"Liam Patrick... You are a big boy. Look at you!" Meredith said as he splashed in the water. "Dada is going to take you this weekend. Mama is upset about it. But you will be okay. You will be a big boy. Right?"

"Da." Liam said as he looked around.

"Dada isn't here now. Dada is at work." Meredith explained as she looked at him. "You will be good. You are a big boy. Big boys are good."

"Goo." Liam said as he looked up at her.

"Mama needs to get a grip. If mama doesn't... Liam will be her psychologist. And that is not a good thing." Meredith muttered to herself as she shook her head.

Meredith dressed Liam in a onsie and walked down the stairs. She knew that what they were doing tonight was supposed to be an informal date. She told herself it wasn't, but in her heart she knew it was. She knew that he was disappointed, but she couldn't help it. She just couldn't go out tonight. As she walked downstairs, she saw Craig paying for the pizza. She did like him. But she knew that he wasn't Derek. No one was.

"That was fast." Meredith said with a smile as she walked down.

"Yeah it was." Craig answered with a smile as he looked up.

Meredith and Craig ate their pizza in front of the t.v. Liam sat with Meredith for awhile before he fell asleep. It was nice to have someone around. Meredith felt better having someone in the big dark house at night. She placed Liam in the pack and play and sat back down. Craig pulled her close and she looked over at him.

"You are so great, Mer. You don't give yourself credit." Craig said with a smile as he looked into her eyes.

"I- I'm sorry. About tonight." Meredith apologized as she looked into his eyes.

"Tonight... This is perfect. You, are perfect." He muttered as a smile played on his lips and he leaned into her.

Meredith laid back and Craig gently pushed her. She felt his mouth cover hers as she looked into his eyes. He slid his tongue in and played with hers as his hand wrapped around her head. Meredith moaned as his body covered her.

As she laid there, it hit her. Derek. Liam. Her family. Liam was in the pack and play less than twelve feet away from her. She couldn't do it. She couldn't let Craig do it. She quickly pulled away and tried to sit up. Craig pulled away and looked at her in shock.

"What?" Craig said as he pulled himself all the way up.

"I- I can't. I'm not ready..." She said sadly.

"Okay. That's okay." Craig lied as he sat back and pulled her against him. He lied. It wasn't okay. He was ready for more.


	31. Needing Someone

Craig seemed to be around nearly everyday. Meredith liked it. She liked the companionship. It was nice the have someone that she could talk to that would answer her, other than spitting out inaudible babble. Craig was being nice. He'd stop and pick up dinner. He'd stick around and help her with stuff around the house. It was good. Good for them both.

Meredith had no idea about Derek stepping down. They had a month. The chief of staff and the board were looking for a replacement. They had decided that they were going to look elsewhere. They weren't interested in any of the current attendings on staff. And because of that, it was kept hush hush. No one knew.

As Meredith sat back in a chair in the hallway, she looked up and saw Derek. All week, she had tried to push it out of her head. It had worked pretty well. She pushed the impending doom out of her head. But now it was Thursday. And tomorrow, she would be giving her son away for the whole weekend.

Meredith couldn't sit there. Her stomach was rolling, and her nerves were now on edge. She felt like she was dying. She felt sick. Seeing that man, the man she loved, and knowing that he was purposely going to hurt her. She had to go up and see. She had to see if he was really planning on taking her son.

"Derek..." Meredith said as she walked up.

"Meredith." Derek said nonchalantly. She was feeling like she was a piece of shit on his shoe as he looked down his crooked nose at her.

"Are you- Friday?" Meredith asked softly. She lost her nerve. She was lucky she could spit what she did out of her gaping mouth.

"I will be there at seven." Derek told her frankly. He didn't even look up at her as he went back to his work.

"What if you are here? What if you can't make it?" Meredith asked, praying that it would be the case. She was praying that it would all be a dream and she would wake up with her son in his nursery.

"I will be there at seven, Meredith. And if I cannot, I will call you." Derek said frankly.

"He needs seventh generation diapers. They are chlorine free. They fit him best and he likes them. And baby wash... He needs needs the stuff at home. Baby silk. I will send it. Don't dry his skin out... He gets patchy and-" Meredith went on as she looked at him.

"He will be fine, Meredith. He will be fine." Derek reassured her as he looked up.

It was breaking his heart to be so cold to her. But he couldn't not be. He was angry. He was trying. He did try. And now it was a waste. He was so tired of it all. He was tried of Craig. He was tired of the mess that became their lives. It started as revenge, but now he really did want to see his son.

"Oh- Okay." Meredith said sadly as she shook her head and walked away. She was down lower than the floor. She may as well be dragged behind a speeding horse. It would have felt better.

Meredith couldn't breathe. Oxygen was not making it into her lungs as she gasped for breath. She felt like she was going to lose it all. Her paced quickened as she realized she couldn't make it much father without collapsing. She couldn't do it there. She couldn't lose it all in the hallway of the world's most gossip-rich hospital.

As soon as she opened the door of the empty exam room, she collapsed. She fell against the bed and let the sobs overtake her. She couldn't feel anything but pain. She laid her head against the white paper cover and let the tears soak through. The thought of a day without Liam, made her sick. A weekend would be hell.

"Meredith?" Addison said as she walked into the room. "Oh my god... Meredith." Addison said as she rushed up and threw her arms around her. "What is wrong?"

"He's- He is taking him... He's taking him away from me." Meredith cried out. "He is taking everything. If he takes him... I have nothing to live for." Meredith said as the tears began to burn her eyes.

"Oh, honey..." Addison said, unsure of what else to say. "What do you mean? Is he trying to get custody?"

"No." Meredith cried. "Weekend. A weekend visit."

"Oh, Meredith... You can't- I know you feel like you are going to die. I know that is is breaking your heart. But this is actually a good thing. It's a very good thing." Addison said warmly.

"How?" Meredith yelled in shock at her friend's comment. "How is this good?"

"Meredith... Derek deserves to see his son. And Liam is attached to you. A few days away will be good for him. And you know in your heart that Derek will take excellent care of him." Addison explained as she looked into her eyes.

"It just- I feel like I am dying. I'm dying." Meredith said as she sobbed.

"I know, Mer. I know you do. But this is a step. He has to leave you sometime. He has to. And wouldn't you rather have it be with Derek than anyone else?" She asked softly.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she rubbed her hands over her face. "I just... I love him. So much."

"You do. And that is why this is so hard. But you will get through this. And when you see his smiling face on Sunday... It will be fine." Addison told her with a smile. "It will be okay."

Meredith nodded her head, even though she knew her heart was breaking into pieces. Derek deserved to see Liam. She would let the man take his son. But that didn't mean she was happy about it. And it didn't mean that it wouldn't kill her.

Derek felt bad as he stood there scribbling on the chart. He watched her walk away. She walked away like he had killed her dog. She walked away like he had killed her. And essentially, at the moment, he had killed her. He knew that she was broken. He knew that he was the reason she was broken. He didn't want to do that to her. He didn't want to hurt her. Even if in the back of his mind, he thought she deserved it.

Derek sighed. He couldn't wait to be done with his job. He really couldn't wait to let go of the responsibilities that being chief entailed. He wanted to fix things between them, but he had to wait. He had to wait for the opportune moment to move back in where he should be.

Derek flipped the chart closed and placed it back on the stand. As he went to walk to his office, he heard him. He was around the corner talking to another doctor. He was a bastard. Ad Derek just wanted to rush around the corner and throw him into the wall. He wanted to kill the man that wanted to take over his life.

"So... What the hell is going on with you and Grey?" He heard a doctor ask Craig frankly.

"I'm trying, man. She is hard to get." Craig explained as he stood there. "Liam is leaving for the weekend. I'm hoping I can seal the deal then. It's like every time I take a step, she pulls back. I know it's hard and all... But man, I have needs. And I know she is a good fuck." Craig said frankly.

"Hell, everyone knows she is a good fuck!" The doctor said with a chuckle.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Craig spat angrily.

It went through Derek like a knife. Craig was talking about sleeping with his wife. Ex-wife. He was trying to remember that she was his ex. But forever, he would remember her as his wife. The love of his life. His soulmate. As he listened, it hit him. It finally absorbed into his thick skull. She wasn't fucking around. She wasn't sleeping with another man. They hadn't done anything. It seemed it was all a front. Craig had taunted him on purpose. Derek shook his head as he stood there. Craig really was a snake.

"I mean... Her and Shepherd. Everyone knew about them before you came. Man, he was hitting that everywhere in the hospital." The damn said quickly.

"Oh... Yeah. Fucking throw that shit in my face." Craig said in shock. "I don't need to hear that shit. Besides, when I am through with her, she will never remember who that asshole Shepherd is. I mean, the guy gave up..."

"He did." The man agreed quickly.

"He walked away. I actually... She still wants him. But it's because she doesn't know any better. And this weekend... I am moving in." Craig told him with a nod.

"Well, with the kid out of the way, it should be easier." The doctor pointed out frankly.

"I like the kid. The kid is cute. I could actually see myself being a dad." Craig said with a nod. "He's cute. His dad's a prick, but he will never remember that."

"You are more of a man than I am. I would never touch a chick with a kid. That is just asking for trouble. They always have a tie. The parents are always together. And the kid... He will always be in the way." The doctor explained wisely.

"Yeah, well, like I said. I can see having a family. It will start with Liam, and who knows. Meredith is perfect. Smoking hot, smart... It doesn't get any better than that." Craig said with a smile.

"Well, good luck with that. I have to go..." The doctor said as he nodded and walked off.

Derek felt sick. It wasn't like Craig wanted to have Meredith and leave. He didn't want her for an easy lay. He wanted her and Liam. He wanted them as a family. He wanted to move in and take his place. Derek couldn't have that. He couldn't deny everything they had ever felt. He couldn't allow it.

"It will never happen." Derek said as he snapped to, and rounded the corner.

"Shepherd." Craig said as he looked up.

"Kovac." Derek said as he shook his head in disgust. "He's right, you know..."

"What's that?" Craig asked as he looked up into the man's blue eyes.

"He was right. Mer and I... We will always have that tie. And Liam is my son. There is no way you will ever get to take him away from me." Derek told him quickly. "See, I fell in love with Mer the first second I saw her. That doesn't go away. She may be confused, and angry. But eventually, it ill stop, and we will be together."

"Well, you aren't doing a very good job, are you?" Craig laughed as he looked at him.

"Craig, I haven't even begun to fight. I'm letting you get a head start. I think you're going to need it." Derek said with a chuckle.

"Oh... We shall see about that." Craig said with a smirk.

"Well, it looks like you haven't been doing so good yourself. Seeing as you two were fucking... How much was it? All the time? I guess that was a load of shit. See, Mer is not a whore. She's not an easy fuck. She has class. And she has morals. And she is in love with one man. And let me tell you, you are not that man. If you were a decent guy, you would walk away." Derek said frankly as he looked the man in the eyes.

"Well, I guess it's a shame for you, I am not a decent man." Craig said as he stood there and glared at the man. "Look... I was there. At Addison's. The first night I met her. She waited for you. She still had hope in her eyes. She still had hope that you guys would be okay. And then I watched her... It faded. She faded. She got just a little more broken down. She got just a little more hopeless. And that was because if you. You are a selfish bastard, Derek. And she deserves to be happy. Think about that for awhile." Craig said as he rushed off.

Craig was downstairs on the sofa. Meredith was upstairs giving Liam a bath. His last bath, or so she said. The last bath before he would go off with Derek tomorrow. It did bother Craig. It bothered him that she was so upset. She was walking around like it was the end of the world. It was becoming apparent to him and everyone else that she was far too attached. Liam had become her world.

Craig thought about the words that he and Derek shared. They were both jerks. He knew that. Derek screwed up, knew it and now wanted a second chance. Craig didn't think he deserved a second chance. Craig thought that this was now his chance, not Derek's.

Craig climbed the stairs. He was pretty comfortable with walking around the house now. he had spent enough time here that it was now like a second home. Meredith never asked him to stay the night, but he had stayed late into the night many times before. Just as he made it to Liam's bathroom, he heard her talking to him.

"Leelee..." Meredith said with a giggle. "You stop splashing mommy!" Meredith said softly. "Oh... You think it's funny. Mama is going to need a bath soon. Oh no... What are you doing? No... Oh no... We don't go peepee in the water!" Meredith said quickly as she made disgusting sounds. "Yuck."

"Mamama... Da...Ba..." Liam spat out as he looked up and giggled.

"That was not funny. Not funny at all." Meredith said as she shook her head.

As Craig watched her, he had to admit there was nothing more beautiful than a woman and her child. It was amazing. The was she looked and talked to Liam. She was a natural. It was obvious that he was the light of her life. And Craig could see that tomorrow would be worse on her than he thought. So much worse.

"So... Mama isn't sure what Dada's house looks like. But I will make sure I send you blanket, and your bear. And all your good stuff. And dada with take care of you and he will put food in the tummy. And we will have to hope that he does a good job with mommy's boy. Dada can do it... As much as mommy doesn't want to admit it, Dada can." Meredith said sadly as she looked at her baby.

"Da?" Liam asked as he looked around.

"You have to stop doing that." Meredith said sadly.

It broke Meredith's heart that Liam knew. He knew that his father was missing. And he associated the name with the face. The time that Derek was here with them, he grew in leaps and bounds. It was the highlight of his life, being around his mom and dad. He soaked up the attention like a sponge. And now with Derek gone, it hurt him as much as it hurt Meredith.

"Mama is sorry... She didn't mean to do this to you, buddy. Mama made a big mistake. She didn't mean to- You don't deserve this. You should have a mama and a daddy." Meredith said sadly as she looked at him.

"Having fun?" Craig asked as he walked in and looked down.

"Oh yes. Look at me!" Meredith said as she pointed to her wet shirt. "This boy is trouble!" Meredith said as she tickled him.

"Tra..." Liam muttered as he looked at her.

"Yes, trouble." Meredith repeated as she grabbed Liam's terry cloth turtle robe and wrapped him in it. "Look at my turtle."

"You're green, Liam." Craig told him as he tickled his cheek.

"He is... Green, Liam. Are you green with envy?" Meredith giggled as she laid him down and slathered him with lotion. She quickly pulled on a onesie and walked him to the rocking chair. "I'm going to put him down. Then I will be downstairs."

"Okay." Craig said with a smile as he rubbed Liam's head. "Goodnight, Liam."

Meredith rocked Liam gently to sleep. This is what she would miss. She would miss him for the two days that he would be gone. She would miss his sweet smell and his soft skin. She gave her boy a soft kiss and walked him over to his crib. She smiled as she looked down at him sleeping. It would be hard.

Meredith walked downstairs and sat on the sofa. She was tired. She was stressed out. She was feeling like life was rolling down a hill and she was being dragged along. She sighed as Craig reached over and pulled her against him. He wasn't Derek, but she needed someone.


	32. Falling Apart

The tears were already falling. Meredith had to work a long shift on Friday, and it was already almost seven. She knew that Derek was supposed to be there at seven, but she also knew his past history. She knew there was a chance that he wasn't going to show up on time, but in her heart, she knew that he would show up eventually. So she cried. Because if he was on time, she was only going to get minutes with her son.

Meredith pulled down their long driveway. As she passed the trees and got to the clearing around the house, she looked up to see Derek's car. He was early. That was all it took. She burst into tears right then and there. He was taking her baby from her, and she wasn't going to get chance to say goodbye. As she pulled in the driveway, she sat in the car. She couldn't pull herself together enough to go in.

Derek sat in the great room with his son. Liam was full of noise and eating up every bit of attention that his dad was giving him. Derek looked up at his nanny who was studying, her head deep in thought. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Not at all. None of it. As he looked out the window, he saw Meredith's car pulling up.

"Mama's here." Derek said with a big smile to his son.

"Ma?" Liam said with wide eyes as he looked around.

"Yep, ma. Mama is here to see you, LP. Just you." Derek told his son as he kissed him on the head. He was feeling bad. He was feeling horrible that this was happening. He shouldn't be taking his son from his mom. They should all be together like a normal healthy family. "Mer is here." Derek told Erin with a nod.

"Okay." Erin said with a smile as she closed her book and placed it in her bag.

Derek waited. He waited for what seemed like forever. He expected her to come in, but she didn't come and didn't come. He began to worry. He knew this was tearing her in two, but at the same time, he knew that it had to be done. Liam was far to attached to Meredith, to an almost unhealthy level.

"Mamamaaa!" Liam started yelling loudly as he looked up at Derek. "Da. Mamaaa!"

Derek knew that Liam obviously couldn't make too much sense, but he knew that his son was a lot smarter than everyone knew. He knew that his mom and dad's relationship was strained, and he knew that things were not quite right. And that broke his heart.

"Hey..." Meredith croaked as she looked up.

"Hey." Derek said as he stood up and walked over to her.

"How is my big guy?" Meredith asked as she stuck out her hands and pulled her son close. "How are you, Liam Patrick?" She asked as she gave him a sloppy kiss. "Thank you, Erin."

"No problem, Dr. Grey. Have a nice evening." Erin said with a weak smile as she looked up and turned away.

"You too." Meredith told her with a nod as she watched her walk away. "I need to get his bag ready." Meredith told Derek without looking up at him.

"That's fine." Derek said with a broken smile as he followed her upstairs.

"You will be a good boy for daddy, right?" Meredith asked as she walked into his room.

"Mer... He's going to be fine. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I want to see your son. And I obviously can't do that here. He is attached to you, and he needs to get over that. You will have problems later. I just want to see my son... This isn't revenge." Derek told her with a seriously look.

"It hurts, Derek. It feels like my heart is being ripped out." Meredith said as she looked up at him, the tears pooling in her eyes.

"I know it does. But Mer, it hurts me too. I know that I haven't always been around... I know I've been a shitty father... But every time I am away from my son, it hurts me as much as it hurts you." Derek said with a nod as he looked into her eyes.

"I- I- This is what he needs." Meredith said as she stopped herself from her original thought and grabbed his bath stuff. "Baby silk is the best on his skin. If you bath him, and he will need it, use the all-over clean in the pump bottle, and then you need to put the delicate skin comfort. If he gets a rash, he needs the bottom relief. And then if he starts to get sweaty or yuck, he needs the liquid powder. And-" Meredith started before Derek stopped her.

"He will be fine, Mer." Derek said with a smile as he grabbed his son.

"Yeah. I know..." Meredith whimpered as she packed his things in a bag. "Is she going to be there? Is she going to take care of my son?"

"Who, Mer?" Derek asked in honest confusion.

"Her. Your- Her." Meredith stammered as she looked down.

"Meredith... I told you... There is no one else. There is no girl. There is no woman. She was a drug representative. There is no one." Derek said as he grabbed her arm. "This will be okay. And if- He needs to be away for a couple of days. It will be good for him. But if it gets too bad... You can come by, okay?" Derek offered as he looked at her. She nodded her head as the tears slid down.

"Just go... I can't... I love you, Leelee." She said as she gave him a soft kiss. "Mama loves you so much baby. So much!" Meredith said as she kissed him on the bed. "Just go... Go." Meredith said as she turned away.

"Ma!" Liam said loudly as Derek walked off. "Mamamaaa."

Meredith couldn't take it. She couldn't take the pain. She collapsed on the wood floor of his nursery and laid laid her head to the side, tears falling hard. He was gone. The glue that held her together. The light of her life. Her everything just walked out the door. If only for a few days, it still felt like forever.

Derek had never felt worse in his life. Seeing the look on her face as he took her son away was almost more than he could handle. He could only imagine what she did when he left that room. It killed him. To know he was hurting her, it sent him over the edge. But at the same time, he had to do it. He had to do it for his son. He had already missed out on so much.

As he packed Liam up in his Land Rover, he could swear he could hear her cries. He had gotten accustomed to them, and even in his sleep, he could hear her. After she lost John, that sound was imbedded in his brain. He gave his pouting son a soft kiss on the head and strapped him down in the car seat. He gave the house one last glance as he climbed in his car. Home is what you define it as. And to him, home would always be Meredith.

"So, Liam Patrick... What do you think? Are we going to daddy's house?" Derek asked as he looked in the rearview mirror.

"Da..." Liam said simply as he looked around. "Dadadaaa!"

"Yep. That's my name. You have a dad... And a mom." Derek told him with a smile.

Derek had to think about it. He had to make a conscious effort not to say ma for any reason. The last thing he wanted was his son upset because he missed his mom. He knew that the attachment that the two of them had was amazing. It was endless. And he did feel bad. Really bad.

Derek laughed at his son's gibberish. He seemed perfectly content talking to himself. He was smiley and giggly. Derek loved it. He loved every minute of their time together. Nothing could ever take away the guilt he had for the last few months. Months that he would never get back. Months when he should have been with his son.

Derek drove the short distance towards his apartment. He couldn't wait to get his son there, but at the same time, he didn't want to take him there. He wanted him to be in his home. Their home. The home that he and Meredith built together. The one where the flock of Shepherd children were supposed to grow up. Just as he got to his parking spot, he felt his phone vibrate.

Derek groaned as he looked down at it. It was the hospital. It was always the hospital. They always wanted just one more thing. They wanted his opinion on just one more case. The paperwork needed to be done right away. Well not this time. Derek answered the phone curtly. He made it clear that they were not to bother him. They were afraid. He made them afraid these days. He had nothing to lose. He could only pray that he lost the job.

"Okay, LP." Derek said with a smile as he opened the door. He looked down at his sleeping son. He looked just like Meredith as he laid there. "You look just like your mom..." Derek said sadly as he began to unstrap him.

Derek grabbed Liam and his bags of things. He had more luggage than any baby he knew. As Derek struggled to get down the hallway, he thought about Meredith. He had no idea how she did it. It was a feat to say the least, and Meredith was a small woman. As he struggled to get his keys out and hold the baby and the bags.

"Here... Let me help you." A woman said with a smile as she walked up and grabbed his keys.

"Thanks." Derek replied as he looked up at the tall thin brunette. "I needed that..." Derek said as watched her push the door open.

"Obviously." She said with a smile. "I'm Alexis. Your neighbor."

"Derek." Derek said with a nod and smile. "And this is Liam."

"Your son. He's cute. Really cute." She said as she looked at the sleeping baby in his carrier. "I've never seen your wife..."

"Oh. We are- It's a long story." Derek told her as he drew in a breath.

"I see. Well... It was nice meeting you, Derek. Very nice." She flirted as she looked into his blue eyes.

"You too." Derek agreed as he looked at her. "Thanks again."

Derek walked into his apartment and looked around. He was actually looking forward to catering to his son. He was happy to have this time with him. He sat Liam's carrier down on the kitchen table as he turned the light on. This wasn't home, but it was a place to hang his hat.

"Mama would be so mad if she witnessed that." Derek stated with a sigh. "Mama would be as mad as I am when I see him, I think."

"Ma!" Liam said loudly as he opened his eyes and looked around. "Mama?"

"She's not here, buddy." Derek told him as he stroked his cheek.

"Mama..." Liam cried out as his face began to scrunch up.

"It's okay, LP... It's okay." Derek told the baby as he lifted him up and held him close to his chest. "Dad has you. Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he looked the little buy in the eyes. "Do you want some nibbles, LP?"

Derek quickly unpacked Liam's thing and sat him in the highchair that he had bought for him. Derek grabbed out some soft finger food and applesauce and took his place in front of the little boy. He couldn't believe what a pig the little boy was. He was just like Meredith, in that department

Derek spent quality time with his son. It was amazing. His son was an amazing little person who didn't deserve what he was getting. He deserved a mom and dad that loved each other. Although, Derek was sure that they did love each other still. Derek placed a big blanket on the floor.

"Do you want some tummy time?" Derek asked as they both laid on the floor and Derek mimicked Liam's movements. The boy cried out happily and crawled away as quickly as he could. Derek chased after him, laughing all of the way. "Dada's gonna... Get you!" He said as he snatched the boy up. "Was that fun?"

"Da!" Liam said loudly, following it with nonsense.

Derek played with his son until he began to get tired. He went into Liam's room and changed him into a cute onesie. As he sat on the sofa and held the sleepy boy, the woman crossed his mind. He was desired. Women wanted him. The woman that he wanted didn't. It broke his heart. As he sat there, he wondered how broken she was. And if he should fix it...

Derek laid in the bed. Liam was crying again. He wasn't just crying. He was crying for Meredith. He was wailing for his mother. Derek tossed his blankets to the side and threw his feet to the side of the bed. He walked down the short hallway and into the room. Liam had his head pressed against the side of the crib and he looked at him in desperation.

"LP, what are you doing?" Derek asked as he walked up to the crib and looked at him.

"Maaaaa!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. "Mamamamaaaa!"

"Liam, it's okay, buddy. You're okay." Derek told him as he pulled him against his chest and kissed him on the head.

"Mamamaaaa!" Liam yelled louder as he thrashed himself in his father's arms.

"Please don't do this, Leelee. It's supposed to be our happy time." Derek told him as he walked over to the chair in the corner. "Daddy and Liam's special time..."

"Daaaa..." He cried out as he looked up. "Mamaaa! Mamamamaaaaa!"

"You can't do this. Dada doesn't know what to do for you. Are you hungry? Do you have a dirty diaper?" He asked as he checked his diaper. "Nope. Diaper is good. Liam, I don't know what to do for you... Is it your teefs? Are you teefers hurting?" Derek asked as he ran his finger along his gum line.

"Mamamaaaa!" Liam screamed as he thrashed himself hard.

"We need help." Derek said with a frown.

He quickly stood up and walked Liam out to the kitchen. His son was in distress for his mother. It killed him. No one could take away what he was feeling at the moment. All of the guilt he had been carrying around was feeling, boiled to the top. He should have never taken his son from his mom. And she never should have let it get to the point where he had to take his son from his mother. Derek dialed the phone as he warmed up a bottle. He sighed when she answered the phone.

"Hello?" Addison asked softly. It was apparent that she had been sleeping soundly.

"Addie... It's Derek." Derek said quietly as he rocked his crying son.

"Derek! Is everything okay?" She asked as she sat up in the bed.

"It's Liam. I have him for the weekend. He was fine, and now he is crying. I can't get him to stop. I don't know what to do. He is crying for Meredith. I'm supposed to be able to do this. I should be able to do this. And I am failing. I am failing miserably." Derek told her as he listened to Liam scream into the phone.

"Oh no... Is he teething?" Addison asked as she thought about what could be wrong.

"No. No, he's not. And his diaper is clean. And now... He won't eat." Derek explained with a frown as he offered his son the bottle.

"You need to call Meredith." Addison said quickly. "I know, Derek. I know. Believe me... I know. You don't want to call her. You want this weekend to go perfectly and you want to prove to her that you can take care of him. But Meredith has been with a little boy every second of his life. He is attached to her. And right now, he feels like his world is ending. Taking him away cold turkey is hard on him. Call her and see if she can stop by. She can get him to sleep, and then go home. He needs his mom." Addison explained softly as she looked over at Mark.

"You're right." Derek agreed. "I should have known better. He can't take this. I'm putting him through needless stress. Thanks, Addie. Even if it's not what I wanted to hear, you're right."

"You're not a failure, Derek. You can have it all back. You were a good father and a good husband. You can get back there, if you want." Addison told him frankly.

"Thank you, Addie. Really, thank you." Derek said with a sigh as he rocked his son.

"Goodnight, Derek." Addison said with a yawn.

Meredith laid on the floor. She couldn't get up. She couldn't force herself to get up off her son's floor. She needed to go to the bathroom. She needed to get a drink. She needed a lot of thing. But the thing she needed most wasn't there. And so now she had no reason to get up. The tears finally stopped falling, but the silent ones were still present. As she laid there, the moonlight pouring in on her frail body, she heard her cellphone ring.

"Hello?" Meredith croaked out faintly.

"Mer... It's Derek." Derek got out quickly. Meredith started to panic. She could hear Liam wailing loudly.

"Oh my god! Is he okay? What is going on?" Meredith asked as she sat up from the floor.

"He won't stop crying. Everything is good. He just- He needs his mom. Can you come here. Can you come and calm him down?" Derek asked regrettably.

"I'm on my way." Meredith said as she flipped her phone shut, jumped up and ran down the stairs. He phone rang as she reached the garage. "Hello?" She asked angrily.

"You don't have my address." Derek told her frankly with a chuckle.

"Oh... Crap. Give it to me." Meredith said as she grabbed a pen. She quickly scribbled the address on her arm. "I'm in the car!" She told him as she opened the garage door. Meredith quickly drove down the road. She had a purpose. Her son needed her.


	33. To Be Needed

Meredith was relieved. Yes, her son was suffering. But he needed her. He actually needed her as much as she needed him. And Derek did too. As she drove along, the crying stopped and was replaced by a smile. She was going to see her boy. Liam did that to her. He was the only thing that made her happy. Seeing his smiling face made everything okay again.

Meredith quickly found the apartment building. She had an idea of where it was. As she pulled up, she wasn't surprised. It was upscale. It was nice. It was exactly where she would expect Derek to live. She made her way to a parking spot next to Derek's Land Rover. She was sure that each tenant got two spaces and she was playing by the building's rules.

Meredith was excited and nervous as she walked down the hallway in the middle of the night. She was still in the same clothes that she had spent her day in. The part of the day when she hadn't been at the hospital. Once Derek had taken her son from him, she didn't care too much for her appearance or lack there of. She walked up to the door and knocked gently.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he opened the door. Meredith could tell by his disheveled appearance that he ad indeed been through hell and back with their son.

"Where is he?" Meredith asked softly as she looked around the gorgeous apartment.

"He's in his nursery. I just got him down." Derek explained as he looked over his shoulder.

"Oh..." Meredith muttered sadly, unsure of whether she should stay or go.

"Why don't you come in and check on him." Derek suggested, knowing that was what she wanted to do.

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked in shock as she walked in. "I don't want to... This is your weekend." Meredith told him with a nod.

"Meredith... Come on. I am not the enemy." Derek told her with a warm smile as he shut the door behind her.

"So what happened?" Meredith asked as she looked around, unsure of where to go.

"He wants his mom." Derek said with a frown. "We played and he was doing great. I put him down for awhile, and then he woke up and cried for you." Derek said quickly as he walked to the nursery.

As Meredith looked around, she felt the tears pricking her eyes. Derek was settled. He made himself a nice home all on his own. It seemed perfect. Just like him. She wasn't expecting it. She was hoping that he would be in a mess. She was hoping that he didn't have things that made him happy. She was hoping it would look unsettled and unused. It wasn't. Derek was making it on his own.

As Meredith walked into the nursery, she felt the tears fall. The walls were painted a soft brown. He had black and white photos of the three of them on the walls in white frames. Liam had a perfect cherry wood crib with blue bedding. Derek put time into it. And Liam was okay. His dad really was talking care of him.

As she looked down at her son, he looks so peaceful. She saw the tear stains on his cheeks. He was in his usual pose, his bum up in the air and his head to the side. She couldn't help but reach down and brush his soft cheek. She felt Derek wrap his arm around her for support. Liam almost instantly woke up and looked up at his mom.

"Ma." Liam said softly as he rolled over and looked at her.

"Hey, Leelee!" Meredith told him softly as she reached down and picked him up. "How is my guy?"

"Mamaaa..." He giggled as he opened his eyes wide and snuggled into her.

"Were you being trouble for daddy?" She asked with a frown as she walked him around. "I told you that you had to be good for daddy." She warned as she held him before her and looked into his eyes. Meredith walked over to the small sofa against the wall and sat down, holding him close. "I'm sorry Derek." Meredith said as she held her son against her. "I know this is my fault."

"It's not your fault, Mer. I haven't been around. I can't expect to take him away from you and have no repercussions." Derek told her as he rubbed his son's head. "We were having a good time, weren't we, LP?"

"Da!" Liam said as he reached out for Derek. Meredith smiled softly as she handed the baby to him. "Ma!" Liam giggle as he held his hands out for his mom.

"Well... If you aren't trouble, I don't know what trouble is." Derek said as he handed the boy back. "We're glad you are here, Mer..."

"You are?" Meredith asked with a faint smile as she looked up.

"Of course we are." Derek told her as he handed his son back over.

"Leelee... Are you okay now?" Meredith asked as she looked her little boy in his bright clue eyes. His eyes were more vibrant than Derek's. Maybe it came with age. Either way, they both had amazing eyes. "Are you ready to go night night again?" She asked as she kissed him on the head.

"Ma..." He mumbled as he laid his head against her chest. "Mamaaa..."

"I'm here buddy... You go sleepy now." She said as she ran her hands over his soft hair. He smelled fresh and clean. Meredith was shocked that Derek took good care of him. And she was even more shocked that Derek was there, and not slaving at the hospital.

"Da?" Liam whimpered as he looked up at Derek. It made Derek smile. His son barely knew him. And after the stay with Lynn, Liam knew him well. Liam looked out for his father. They both thought it, but refused to acknowledge it. Liam wanted both parents there with him.

"I'm here buddy. Mama is right. You need to go sleepy now." Derek told him as he rubbed his head gently. Liam took on last look at them both before he laid his head down and fell fast asleep against her chest.

"He was tired." Meredith pointed out as she felt the gentle rise and fall of her son's chest against hers. There was a connection between the two of them that was unmatched by anything in the world. Meredith couldn't move. She just wanted to feel her son in her arms.

"Thank you for coming." Derek told her softly as he looked into her sad green eyes. He wanted so badly to make her eyes bright again. There was a time when like he, she would light up when he walked into a room. He wanted nothing more than to have that back again.

"Derek, he is my son. I'm- I'm really glad you called." Meredith said with a nod as she looked down. She had to look away. Se couldn't look him in the eyes. She knew if she did, she would crumble. "I needed him..."

"I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't do this to hurt you. God knows... I never want to hurt you again." Derek told her as he looked into the eyes that were now matching his. "I didn't do it to crush you. I know that I can't be in the house. And I love him. I love him just as much as you do. And I want to spend time with him. Were you okay?" Derek asked as he rubbed her arm. "When I called... You didn't sound good."

"Derek... I told you, don't worry about me. You have enough to worry about. I did this so that we could let go. I need you to let go of me." Meredith lied softly as she rubbed Liam's little back. She didn't want him to let go. She wanted him to pull her closer and tighter than ever. But she couldn't say that. She couldn't say it now. Not after what she had done. She ended it all. And now she deserved to suffer.

"I will always worry about you, Mer. You are the love of my life." Derek told her frankly. Derek saw a tear slide down her cheek and decided it best to drop it all. He knew that Liam would feed off of her emotions and probably wake up. As he looked at her, he wondered what he should do. She was saying she wanted him to let her go, but in his heart, he was sure that she didn't. If he was supposed to let her go, he wasn't sure how. "Do you want me to put him in his crib?" Derek asked softly.

"A few more minutes." Meredith said with a frown. "Just a few more minutes..." He could see the concern in her eyes. She didn't want to let go of him. She was desperate.

"Well you are staying, right?" Derek asked quickly. He was hoping she would. It just felt right having her around. Even if this wasn't there home, it needed her to be a happy one.

"Oh... I didn't know- You don't care?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked over at him. Derek had to smile. It was like they were new at this, stumbling all over one another. "I don't want to encroach on your time."

"You will stay, Meredith. If Liam wakes up and wants you, I want you to be here. He doesn't need the stress. I should have never put him through this. I never thought it would be that bad." Derek explained as he looked at her. He slowly pulled himself to his feet and grabbed Liam from her hands. "You can sleep in my bed. I will sleep here..."

"No... I'll sleep here. You slept on the sofa before. You deserve your own bed, Derek. It's your bed..." Meredith agreed as she stood up and looked in the crib with Derek. Derek looked over at her with an argumentative look on his face. "Don't argue with me. The sofa will be great." She said with a nod. Derek looked at the side of her head. He couldn't help it. He missed her. He quickly leaned forward and kissed her softly on the temple.

"I will get you some blankets." He said as he walked out of the room. Meredith stood there in shock. Derek kissed her on the head, and it felt so right. It felt so perfect and comforting. She sighed as she stroked Liam's cheek and waited for him to return.

"Thank you." She said as he laid the blankets down on the sofa and walked over to her.

Meredith looked into his eyes. Her eyes went back and forth, trying to focus on both of the blue orbs simultaneously. Derek began to lean towards her. She couldn't pull away. She didn't want to pull away. Meredith closed her eyes and his lips gently touched hers. She let out a soft moan as he parted her lips with his tongue, his hand sliding behind her head. The kiss was full of need as their tongues touched passionately. It wasn't about being gentle or trying to play. It was about desire and absorbing love. It got scary. There was too much feeling. Meredith finally pulled away and rushed to the sofa.

"So... Goodnight." Meredith muttered as she spread out the blankets.

"Goodnight, Meredith." Derek said as he walked away. It was still there. The love went nowhere.

--

Derek had always been a light sleeper. He was always a guy that would wake up at the slightest sound. But last night it was different. He couldn't fall asleep. He kept thinking about her. He was glad that he called her. Seeing her with his son was the most amazing thing in the world. He quickly realized what a mistake it had been to take him away from her.

Derek climbed out of the bed when the sun hit his face. He had checked her schedule the day before and she didn't go in until late tonight. That meant that she had the day. He had been concerned about her being alone all weekend. At first, he didn't care. At first, he figured she could be with Craig. But reality started setting in and he was realizing what was really going on.

Derek stood in the doorframe of Liam's nursery. He wasn't watching his son. He was watching her. She was snoring softly as her chest rose and fell. She looked slightly uncomfortable on the small sofa, but she did have a peaceful look on her face. As he stood there and looked at her, he realized that she was it. She was all her would ever need for the rest of his life.

Derek finally pulled himself away after a half an hour of staring. As much as he wanted to live in her space, he couldn't. As much as he wanted to return to her arms, it was not an option. She begged him over and over again to let her go. He knew she really didn't want it, but if he didn't give it to her what she wanted, he would definitely lose the fight. He went into the kitchen and started the coffee and breakfast.

Meredith let out a loud yawn and opened her eyes. She could feel the crick in her neck from sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa. As she laid there, she was glad she wasn't home. Even if she and Derek were often at odds, she liked to have adult company for awhile. As she stretched her arms, the smell of breakfast wafted into the room. Derek cooked. That was something that she had always loved about having him around.

Meredith placed her feet on the floor and stood up. She couldn't wait to see her son. She was actually surprised that he wasn't awake. At home, his nursery was on the east side of the house, and she was sure that made a difference. Not to mention he had had a horrible day and night and was most likely still exhausted from his mental strain. As she walked over and looked in the crib, a smile crossed her face. Her little boy was sleeping peacefully, bum in the air.

"Morning." Meredith muttered as she walked out to the kitchen. She smelled bacon and eggs. She loved bacon. Many times when she was pregnant with Liam she would crave bacon. She couldn't help but admire Derek as he stood there. She loved the way he looked when he woke up in the morning. Disheveled and wild hair. It was adorable. And it seemed Liam also woke up like that more often than not.

"Good morning. I hope you're hungry." Derek said with a smile as he spooned the scrambled eggs onto a plate. He had to look at her. He felt like somewhat of an ass for not offering her something to wear. She was still in her jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt.

"I am actually." Meredith said in shock. She hadn't been so great about eating, but all of the crying had awoken something inside of her. The food smelled great, and he was here. That was what made it so great. The food.

"Good. I'm glad." Derek said with a nod as he placed the plates of food on the table along with empty plates for them. Meredith walked over to the counter and was shocked to see that Derek had already prepared her coffee for her.

"Thanks." She said as she lifted the mug to him and smiled. As it hit her tongue, she let out a moan. It was perfect. The coffee was exactly how she liked it. She had always said he did a better job at making her coffee than she did. Meredith placed a few spoonfuls of eggs on her plate and then grabbed a few pieces of bacon.

"Toast?" Derek asked as he handed her a piece of toast with blackberry preserves on it. Meredith graciously accepted her toast with a smile. This made her slightly uneasy. She was feeling things. She was feeling things that she wished she wasn't feeling. She wasn't ready to fall back into the same trap again. She wasn't ready to be hurt.

"It's good... Thanks. I haven't had a warm breakfast since... Well, since mom was in town." Meredith pointed out as she took a bite of her toast.

"She knows... You know that, right?" Derek asked as he looked at her. It seemed he had a ton of things that he was never telling her. That he didn't want the divorce. That he would rather die than be without her. That he had given up being chief, realizing it ruined his life. There were so many things.

"She knows?" Meredith asked sadly, the feeling in the pit of her stomach making her sick. "How?"

"She figured it out. We should have known better than to try and fool her." Derek pointed out frankly.

"I'm so sorry..." Meredith muttered as she looked at her food.

"Mer... You didn't do anything wrong. And she was bound to find out. I mean what were we going to do, pretend for the rest of our lives? You know we can't do that." Derek told her with a nod.

"What dod she say? Was she upset?" Meredith asked with concern. At this point, she was more concerned that her mother-in-law was hurt, than anything else. She wasn't worried about her own feelings.

"She was upset." Derek admitted as he ate a piece of the bacon. "But she was more mad than anything. Mad at me. Not you. She had no reason to be mad at you..." Derek pointed out honestly.

"I'm sorry... I know how it must have felt. It wasn't just you Derek. It was... Everything. Sometimes life just screws you. We got screwed." She said with a sigh. Her eyes got wide as se heard her son laughing loudly. "Someone is awake."

"I'll go get that someone." Derek said with a nod as he stood up and walked away. Derek quickly brought Liam back into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Little man." Meredith said as she looked at him. Derek walked over and let her plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Someone is grumpy."

"Hmm... Maybe a little like his mom?" Derek joked as he looked at his son and then at her.

"Hey! Not nice." Meredith pointed out as a smile crossed her face. As Derek sat Liam down in the highchair, Meredith's smile only grew. It felt so good. And it hadn't felt this good in a long time.


	34. Caged Animal

Meredith enjoyed watching her ex-husband and her son. They really were the perfect pair. A perfectly matched father and son. And Liam loved him. The more she really watched, the more she saw just was Derek meant to his baby. She knew that they needed more quality time, even if that took away from hers. Meredith took the last bite of her toast and stood up from the table, walking it to the sink.

Meredith walked over and gathered Derek's plate and silver wear. It was instinct for her to wash them. She had been so used to doing everything at their house that she thought nothing of it. At the moment they were that perfect family. They worked in perfect harmony. If you took a still photo, you would never know that their world was truly upside down.

"I have to work tonight. I go in at eight." Meredith said as she dried the dishes and looked at them. "But I can stop by and help you get him down on my way there." Meredith said with a nod as she walked over to the table.

"Oh... Are you leaving?" Derek asked in shock. He was actually expecting them to do something together. That was all he thought about the night before. He had planned a trip to the zoo. He knew that Liam couldn't truly appreciate it, but it would be good for him to be out in the fresh air for the day.

"I was planning on it." Meredith said as she paused. She tried to speak to him telepathically. She wanted him to beg her to stay. She wanted to stay so bad. She needed to be needed by someone. Anyone. "Derek, Liam is your son, and this is your weekend. I'm not taking that away from you. I need to get used to it." Meredith told him. That was the last thing that she wanted to say, but the one thing that she had to.

"Meredith, you know it is not like that. Liam and I were planning a trip to the Woodland Park. You should come along." Derek told her frankly. He wanted her to come. He wanted to have a family moment, even if at the moment, they were not a real family. There was no way to define family. People will find family wherever they can. And Derek's was right here. "Mer, Liam and I would be elated if you would join us at the zoo today." He told her with a cheesy grin as he wiped his son's face clean.

"Mamamaa!" Liam said as he looked over at her. Meredith's heart melted as she looked at his sweet face and bright blue eyes. She could never say no to her son. Never.

"So what do you say?" Derek asked with raised brows. "I know you can't say no to your boy."

"No. I can't say no to my boy." Meredith agreed as she walked over and kissed him on the head. "I would love to. But at the moment, I am looking a little disheveled and possibly stinky."

"Eh... I guess I could agree with you there." Derek joked with a nod. "I'll tell you what. You take a shower, you can put on my robe and I will throw you clothes in the washer. That way Liam and I don't have to ride in the car with a stinky mommy." Derek laughed as he looked at Liam who was giggling and scrunching his nose. "Stinky mommy. That's funny, isn't it, LP?" Derek asked with a smirk.

"Da..." Liam told him as he looked up. Liam was giving his dad a scolding for talking about his mom like that. Derek rubbed his son's head and smiled. He had missed too much. But never again.

"Only if that's what you want, Derek. I'm not here to move in on your time." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked at Derek and smiled.

"Mer... Get naked, throw your clothes out the door, get in the shower, and get ready. You have a date with your son." Derek said with a nod as he stood up from the towel and picked his son up. Meredith let a faint smile cross her lips as looked at the pair. She drew in a deep breath and turned on her heel. She could think of any better way to spend her day.

Meredith felt good letting the hot water rush over her body. She needed a bath. She had let herself go the last day. Meredith looked around the shower. He fears of another woman diminished when she saw only things for a man. Derek's favorite body wash and shampoo were the only things around. She happily poured a generous amount of his shampoo in her hand. She didn't care if she smelled like a man. It was so much better than smelling like some other woman's body wash.

Meredith looked at herself in the steamy mirror. She was looking better. Much better. She knew that she had been letting herself go. She got to a point where she just didn't care anymore. She had no reason to care. Derek was no longer interested in her. No one was. Luckily Lynn Shepherd had been able to knock some sense into her. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty and Lynn had been more than right.

Meredith pulled Derek's soft robe on. It smelled just like him. She loved the way her men smelled. The sad thing was, as much as she wanted Derek to be her man, he really wasn't anymore. She made a grimace on her face as she ran her fingers through her hair and opened the door.

When Meredith walked out, she saw Derek and Liam crawling around on the floor. Derek had him in an adorable outfit that she had never seen before. It was obviously something that he had bought on his own. Meredith felt the tears prick her eyes as she watched the pair playing their own game, Liam giggling and crawling away from his dad as quickly as he could. She couldn't help but watch. He was amazing with his son. She knew she made a mistake. But sometimes you just can't go back.

--

Meredith sat in the passenger side of the car and looked back. Her son was strapped into the back of Derek's Land Rover. She was continually shocked at how great Derek was doing. He had taken time out to get his son everything he needed. Stepping back and getting air, Meredith realized that Derek was a great father. Seeing him at this moment, he was a the father she always knew he would be.

"Look at him." Meredith said with a smile as she turned her body and looked at her son.

"He's watching." Derek said with a smile as he looked in the rearview mirror and into the mirror over his seat.

"He is so interested in what is going on. It's so amazing!" Meredith said with a smile.

"He is. Look at him." Derek said with a smile as Liam looked out the window at everything passing him by.

"Our son is amazing. He is just- Wow." Meredith said with a huge grin as she just sat there and watched him. If felt perfect. In that moment, it felt perfect. Like the perfect family.

"Our son is a miracle." Derek told her as he pulled up to the parking area of Woodland Park zoo. Derek handed the attendant a five dollar bill and smiled. It was the perfect day to be outside. He accepted his change and quickly found a close parking spot.

Meredith climbed out of the Land Rover. She smiled when she felt the sun hit her face. He zipped her jacket up and walked to the back of the car, opening it up. Derek already had everything Liam would need packed into the back. She pulled out the stroller and the diaper bag and get it all ready. Derek walked around and placed Liam inside. He did up the five point harness to his standards and shook his head.

"First trip to the zoo." Derek said with a smile as he whipped out the camera and took a picture of Liam in his stroller.

"Oh yes... Be one of those dads." Meredith joked as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. In the middle of her rant, Derek snapped several pictures of her.

"Hey, those dads are good. This is something we will always want to remember." He told her as he started walking up to the entrance. Meredith put her hands on InStep jogging stroller that Derek had purchased and began walking.

Derek handed over the money for admission and they started their walk. The fresh air felt great, and Liam seemed truly happy to look around at everything. Derek had come up with a great idea, coming to the zoo. They walked around, looking at the different animals. Meredith, of course was wanting everything. Italian ice, popcorn, cotton candy. Anything edible was on her list. Derek was more than happy to see her eating. And he was definitely willing to get her whatever she wanted.

Liam seemed most interested in the elephants. Every time they would raise their trunk, he would let out a loud squeal. She knew that he would never remember this, but she would. And she would cherish it forever. Liam was so interested in everything that was going on around him. He was really starting to absorb and understand things.

When it came time to see two reptiles and amphibians, Liam was really excited. Meredith undid his straps and pulled him out. She knew he would recognize the turtle. Every time she gave him a bath, she would put on his turtle robe and let him look in the mirror at himself. When he saw the turtle he screamed so loudly out of excitement that everyone around them looked up in shock. Derek, of course, was taking pictures of the whole thing.

As they went through the zoo, Meredith stole Derek's camera and started taking pictures of him with his son. She knew that Derek would treasure his own photos and there needed to be some. Derek opted to carry his son around as they walked through. Just as they made it to the cats, Meredith heard her phone ring. When she looked at it and saw that is was Craig, she immediately sent it to voicemail

Derek took notice of her. He saw the call. And the next. And the next. Her phone was on vibrate, but every time it did, Meredith would jump. He knew it was Craig. He just had a feeling. And if his feeling was right, then Craig was really starting to bother her. He was calling way too much. After the tenth time, Meredith strapped Liam in his stroller and nonchalantly made her way away from Derek. She couldn't take his nonstop calling. She had to see what he wanted.

"Hey! Are you okay?" Craig asked in a panic, realizing it was her.

"I'm fine. I was just... Busy." She said with a sigh as she looked over at Derek, who was buying stuff for Liam from the ZooStore.

"Oh. Well, I was thinking we could have dinner before you go in. Just us. Something nice. I'll stop by in a bit." Craig told her happily.

"No... I- I can't. I'm at the zoo." Meredith told him nervously. She wasn't even sure why she was nervous. She had no idea why she didn't want him to know.

"With Derek." He growled softly. He was obviously irritated and jealous about it.

"Liam. I am here with Liam. And yes, Derek." Meredith said quickly. "I'll be home later. But- Look, I have to go." She said as she looked up at Derek, who was coming.

"Fine." Craig spat out as he heard the phone click. He felt the anger surging in his veins. He didn't like her with him. Not at all.

Meredith didn't like how Craig acted. She didn't like that he made her feel bad. For some crazy reason, she was feeling guilty about not answering his first calls. He had been a great friend to her, and now she was brushing him off. She looked up to see Derek walking up. But the look on his face told her, he knew who she was talking to.

"So, I am sure Liam is hungry." Meredith said with a big nod as she started to walk toward the Rainforest Food Pavilion. She was avoiding. She knew that he was going to say something and she was looking for any way to keep it from happening.

"Yeah." Derek grumbled as he walked with her. He was mad. He didn't like her talking to Craig. He knew Craig's motives. And he knew Meredith. She was not a dumb woman. Surely she knew what was going on and refused to admit it. Meredith walked up to Cucina Rosso and ordered two pieces of cheese pizza and a pasta salad.

"I think Liam will need something from the Rain Forest Deli." Meredith said with a nod as she pointed. "And I am sure that is where you're going, right?" She asked, knowing that Derek liked to eat healthy. He wasn't into the greasy pizza and red meat that she was into.

"I'll get him something." Derek agreed with a nod as he walked away. Meredith looked down at Liam, knowing he was getting sleepy. It was close to his nap time, and Erin kept him on a tight schedule.

Meredith grabbed her steaming hot pizza and her pasta salad. A bunch of carbohydrates on a plate. She didn't care, she loved them. She knew Derek would scold her for her unhealthy eating and lack of protein. But by the way the pizza looked, it was worth it. As she sat down, she looked around. There really weren't many people there for it being such a nice day.

Meredith watched as Derek walked towards her. He had a huge deli sandwich on his plate and some other cups of fruits and vegetables. He was her polar opposite when it came to eating habits. She shook her head and smiled as he came up. There was something about him. He was a gorgeous man. She really wished it had worked out.

"That looks..." Meredith trailed off with a smile as she looked at his tray. She quickly lifted Liam's seat so that he was more upright for eating.

"Good?" Derek asked as he looked down at his tray. He grabbed the container of applesauce and placed it on the table for her.

"I was going to say... Boring. Healthy. Dry." Meredith told him with a giggle as she poured the applesauce into a tiny bowl that Liam had from home. "Is mama's big guy hungry?" Meredith asked with a smile as she lifted his spoon to his mouth. She felt her cellphone vibrating against her hip and jumped.

"You know, Mer... You can go." Derek said frankly. He was getting frustrated. He didn't want to feel like she was feeling like she had to be there. It irritated him. He knew that it was Craig. He kept calling for a reason. He clenched his jaw as he looked at her.

"Why would I want to go?" Meredith asked softly. She knew why he was saying that. She knew that it was irritating him. She was just happy to be with her son.

"Well, your boyfriend keeps calling nonstop. I'm assuming you were supposed to spend the weekend with him." Derek told her with a frown. He knew that she was. He knew what Craig had told his fellow doctor. Craig was playing on having a very busy weekend with her. And as much as he wanted to fight that, it made him too mad to even bother.

"Derek. I am fine. This is fine. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. This is Liam's first trip to the zoo. I want to be here for this." Meredith said with a smile as she fed her son. "Nothing else matters right now."

Derek wanted to say more. He wanted to yell. He was sick about it. Every time he thought about fixing their broken relationship, he questioned himself. Meredith told him over and over again to let her go. And Derek was seriously thinking about doing that.

"Well, it's just not a very good time when he keeps calling. I don't want you to think about him the whole time we're here. You have an option. We do not need you, Mer. We don't need you at all." Derek told her as he took a bite.

Meredith sat there in silence. She wanted to cry. He was so flip about it. We don't need you. It was like she was worthless. It stung. For a great day, it had suddenly turned sour. He stomach started to flop as she sat there. Suddenly she wasn't hungry. She just wanted out. She wanted to get away.

"Are you ready?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek. His sandwich was gone, and Liam was asleep. Her food was still on the tray and she had lost her appetite.

"You didn't eat." Derek said as he looked at her cold food sitting there, completely untouched.

"I guess I'm not really hungry." Meredith told Derek with a sigh as she stood up and grabbed her tray.

"Oh, so you're doing that again? Starving yourself?" Derek questioned as he looked at her body. She was still thin, but looking better.

"For one day, do you think you could stop?" Meredith asked as she began to whimper. "Just once could you not judge me, and let something pass. I am so tired of being under your watchful eye." She said as she tossed her plate in the trash.

"I think it's time to go." Derek said frankly, not feeling bad for what he had said.

"Yeah." Meredith muttered as she grabbed the stroller and started to walk.


	35. The Brushoff

Meredith, Derek and Liam walked back to the car in silence. Liam was fast asleep in the stroller. If he had been awake, he would have been able to feel the tension in the air. Meredith was hurt that Derek changed so quickly. They were a having a great day, and it felt like it was all gone. Meredith sighed as she walked up to the Land Rover and waited for Derek to open it.

Derek didn't want to talk to Meredith. He was frustrated. Her boyfriend was a pest. He was a gnat. Derek just wanted to smash him against the glass for everyone to see. And Meredith seemed to like it. She didn't seem to mind that the man was hanging onto her for dear life. Derek opened the back of the Land Rover as Meredith lifted Derek from the strolled and walked around to place him in the car seat.

"Today was good." Meredith said, trying to break the silence. She heard Derek pull in a long breath and let it out through his flared nostrils.

"It was." Derek finally agreed with a nod as he flipped the radio on. It was his way of brushing her off. She just laid her head back. She felt like she didn't belong there. She felt like Derek was two seconds away from tossing her on her ass right out of the car.

Derek pulled into his parking spot alongside Meredith's Jeep. He was looking forward to her leaving. He couldn't wait to get in the apartment with his son. He was just too jealous. He was jealous and he had no idea how to properly deal with it. So he taunted her.

"I will get the stroller." Meredith told Derek softly as she opened her door and stepped out of the car.

"No. Leave it. I'll get it later." Derek said as he opened the door and grabbed his son. He lifted Liam's carried out and made his way down the hallway. He could hear Meredith walking behind him. Just as he made it to the door, he looked up to see him neighbor.

"Derek! Hey... How are you?" Alexis asked as she walked up with a grin on her face. Her eyes never even travelled towards Meredith.

"I'm good... How are you?" Derek asked as he looked at the woman.

"I'm great. Hey, there, Liam... How are you today? Look at those bright blue eyes." She said as she placed her hand on his cheek.

Meredith felt her blood start to boil. She didn't like this woman. She didn't like how she looked. She didn't like how she acted. She did not like her talking to her husband. And the fact that her hand was on her son's cheek was enough to make her want to kill her. Meredith made it a point to step up and make her presence known. She was hurt. Derek didn't acknowledge her and Alexis didn't seem to notice. Meredith cleared her throat softly as she looked at the woman.

"Oh... Sorry." Derek apologized as he looked at her. "Alexis, this is... This is Meredith. Meredith, this is Alexis." Derek explained softly as he looked between the two woman.

"Oh... You're Liam's mother." Alexis pointed out. So she knew. Meredith couldn't believe it. If Derek didn't talk to her, she would assume that Meredith and Derek were involved. No, she referred to her as Liam's mother.

"I am." Meredith said coldly as she shook the woman's hand. Alexis was annoyingly nice. Meredith had a feeling she was one of those women that just moved in on woman.

"Well... I need to go. It was nice meeting you, Meredith." Alexis said with a smile as she nodded and walked away.

Meredith wanted to run after the woman and pummel her. She had huge feet. Big man feet. She was a freak. With man hands. She definitely had man hands. Meredith clenched her jaw and looked at Derek. She was mad at him too. She had no reason. They were apart. Both of them were allowed to have lives.

"Your neighbor, huh?" Meredith snapped as she walked into the apartment.

"She is." Derek said simply as he walked in and sat Liam down. He could see the anger on Meredith's face. He couldn't help but admire the irony of it all. Now she was in his shoes.

"That's nice. You guys seem to get along well." Meredith said as she stood there, her hands on her hips. "So she knew that- Never mind." Meredith said as she rolled her eyes. "I have to go. I don't belong here." He said as she leaned down and kissed her now-sleeping son's head.

"Mer... Don't go like this." Derek said with a frown as he looked at her. He wanted to clam her down. He wanted to reassure her. But at the moment, he wouldn't. He wasn't going to make her feel better when he was feeling like shit.

"It's fine, Derek. I- Thanks for the trip to the zoo. It was great. Really great." She told him as she kissed Liam on the head again. She grabbed her keys and purse and rushed out of the apartment. She didn't want him to see her tears.

Meredith quickly went to her car. Her heart was broken. She knew that he didn't need her. It was obvious that he didn't need her by the way his apartment looked. It was obvious that he was able to take good care of Liam without her. But she never wanted him to say it. Him saying it broke her heart into pieces. She wanted to sit in her car and cry, but she couldn't. All she could think of was that Alexis would come out and see her in tears. She was Liam's new mommy, she could just see it now.

Meredith started up her Commander and pulled out of her spot. She had hours until she had to work. Now she had nothing to do. She could go home and sit in the bit empty house. That would a be good time for sure. As she drove, she decided to go home and figure it all out from there.

When she arrived, things were the same. Nothing ever changed in her world. Not the daily things. It was always she and Liam in the big house doing the same things. Nothing changed in that house. She didn't want things to change, she wanted them to go back to the way they were. As she walked in and looked around, it looked the way she left it. Lonely.

She needed a drink. She knew that she had to go to work, but one or two shots was nothing for her. She could do a couple of shots to calm her nerves. She walked over to the cabinet and opened the door. She grabbed the Gran Patrón platinum tequila. It was time for the good stuff. Not the Patrón Silver this time. She needed the Gran Patrón. It was one extravagance. She didn't waste her money on the cheap stuff anymore. She walked over and grabbed a small glass, pouring the tequila slowly. Maybe that made it more painful.

She let the burning liquor slid down her throat. She liked the pain it caused her. Pain made her realize that she was alive. Without it, she would be dead. Or so she thought. Maybe hoped. It was Liam that kept her together. When she wanted to jump. When she wanted to drown. She saw his face. That made life worth living.

Her phone vibrating broke her from her dazed state. She didn't need to look to know who it was. It wasn't Derek. Derek never called. He only called if there was a problem or he wanted to rub something in her face. The sad thing is, she would rather have that then nothing at all. She slowly lifted her phone to her ear.

"Hello?" She asked softly. She never even realized it, but she never said "hey" to him. That was her and Derek's thing and she didn't share it.

"Hey... I know you are busy. But I was going to stop and get something to eat. I thought maybe I could drop something off at your house. That way when you get home you can eat. You need to eat before you go in." He warned her softly as he walked into their favorite italian restaurant. He knew she loved their cheese ravioli.

"Actually, I'm home now. So... That would be great." She said as she stood there and stared at the bottle before her. Crystal. It really was a pretty bottle, catching her eyes.

"Oh. So soon? I didn't think you would get back until right before you had to be in." Craig said, fishing for answers. He could tell by her voice that she was down. He was hoping Derek gave her yet again another good tongue lashing. He always seemed to bring out the worst in Derek.

"Oh... No. I was- So come over. Whenever you are ready, I'm here." Meredith admitted. She had no where to go. No one wanted her. So now she was desperate for anyone. Living a lonely life was like not living at all.

"I'll be right over." Craig told her happily as he made his order at the restaurant. Derek was letting this go way to easily. It almost made him sick that there was no fight.

Meredith grabbed her bottle and her glass and walked to the sofa. She knew she couldn't get drunk. She knew it. But that didn't mean she didn't want to. So she leaned her back against the sofa and traced her fingers over the letters on the bottle. She just wanted some relief and she wasn't sure where she was supposed to get it from.

"Hey..." Craig said as he walked in the open door. Meredith didn't even realize that she had been sitting there for so long. She placed her empty glass and her bottle on the table and looked over.

"Oh, hi..." She told him with a smile as she sat there. Craig saw the tequila. He knew she had a problem, but he didn't want to stop it. He didn't want anything to do with any of that mess.

"So... I got you your favorite." He said as he handed her the container. He was sure she would want to eat it that was and avoid a pile of dishes.

"Thank you." Meredith muttered as she accepted it and sat back. They never ate in the great room. But today, they were. She didn't care. She didn't have the energy to get up and walk into the kitchen. Not right now. Neither said a word as they ate their silent meal. Meredith wasn't in the mood for conversation, good or bad. At this point, she would hurt him if he made her fight.

Craig knew something was wrong and she didn't want to talk about it. That was perfect for him. That gave him the opportunity to make his move. When Meredith sat her container down, signaling her finish, he leaned it. She looked so perfect to him. He could see it. The three of them as a family.

Meredith didn't pull away as she felt him coming in. She was in too much pain. She was too lonely. Craig quickly covered her lips with his. Meredith closed her eyes as his long tongue slid in and tasted her. He pulled her head close and sucked on her lips, feeling the soft flesh press against him. Craig slid his hands down her back and up her shirt. She didn't pull away as he slid her shirt over her head and laid her back. She wasn't alone. That was all she needed. Craig began working on his jeans with one hand while he kept his mouth on hers. Meredith closed her eyes as she felt him fumble with her jeans. Maybe this would make it all better. Or not. She could feel his hands on her body, and all she felt was sick. Sick and numb. She didn't want it. But she didn't want to be alone either.

Derek ran into her mind. He was the love of her life. He was everything to her. Even if he didn't want her. Even if he didn't care about her anymore, she couldn't turn that off. She looked down at her naked chest and realized how close she was. She quickly pulled away and looked at him.

"I can't..." She told him as she pulled her shirt back on.

"Derek." Craig growled in disbelief. He was pissed. They were finally getting somewhere and Derek had to pop up again.

"He's my husband." Meredith told him sadly. "He is... He's Derek. W've had years. We have a son. And-"

"Meredith. He is your ex-husband. He has realized that. When will you?" Craig asked as he pulled away. "He is moving on. And here you are... Sad and lonely." He said as he shook his head and headed to the door. "Just don't die that way." He said as he walked out.

--

Derek was frustrated. Once again he acted like a jerk. But he couldn't seem to control himself. He knew that Meredith was strong. She was a strong woman who did and said as she pleased. And it seemed to him that she wasn't telling Craig to hit the road. In other words, she was playing push me pull me. With them both. He felt like a jerk when he attacked, but he couldn't hold it in. It seemed like they were doing so good, and then they weren't.

"Liam Patrick..." Derek said to his son as he pulled him out of the pack and play. Liam looked at his dad happily, refreshed from his nap.

"Da." Liam said with a giggle as he looked up at him. Derek swore his son knew more than he let on. So much more. In his mind, his little boy was a genius.

"Okay, Liam... How old are you now?" Derek teased as he looked at his boy's blue eyes. "Old enough. Too old. You are turning into an old man." Derek pointed out as he sat his son on the floor. Liam immediately crawled away, looking around. He thought everything was a big joke and always got excited when his dad would try to catch him.

"Da... Dadadaaa." Liam shouted as he crawled as quickly as he could down the hallway and away from Derek.

"Where do you think you are going, big guy?" Derek asked as he swooped his son up and took him over to the living room. "You can't run away." He told him playfully as he kissed him on the head. "I will let you down, but you have be a good boy." Derek warned him as he sat him down.

Liam quickly crawled over to the kitchen table and looked up. He grasped the leg and looked at his dad, waiting for a scolding. Derek quickly walked over to pick him up, in shock that his son was trying to pull himself to his feet. Just as Liam got partially up, he lost his balance. Derek's heart sank as he watched his son fall backwards and hit his head on the floor. Derek's heart stopped. He heard the loud thump of his son's head on the hard wood.

"Oh my god!" He spat as he rushed down to look at Liam. Liam looked up at him, dazed for a second, then began to cry.

"Mamamaaaaa!" Liam screamed as he laid there.

Derek felt sick to his stomach. He didn't like that Liam had fallen so far. He quickly looked at Liam's eyes and pupils. Everything seemed okay, but he wanted to be sure. He gently picked Liam up and grabbed his keys. Being a brain surgeon, he knew you didn't mess around with the brain.

Derek strapped Liam in the car seat and looked at him. He was still screaming for his mom. Derek's heart broke as he looked at his son's red teary eyes. His face was bright red and he was upset. Derek knew the best he could do was to take him to the hospital and have him looked at. He got in the driver's seat and drove as quickly as he could.

Meredith drove towards Seattle Grace. She was upset. She felt like everyone was abandoning her. Craig walked away. Derek had moved on. And now her son wasn't even around all of the time. She had lost it all. She went from a happy family, to nothing at all.

Meredith pulled her scrubs on and got ready. She didn't see her friends anywhere. She wasn't in the mood to talk to them. Izzie was always going on about how great life was. Cristina put down everything Meredith said and did. George was indifferent, but she was sure that he judged her. And Alex couldn't care any less if he tried. She found it lucky that they weren't around. Just as she walked out the locker room door, she heard her pager go off. The pit. Already.

Derek walked into the hospital with his screaming son in his arms. He wasn't worried, but he would never forgive himself if he didn't get him checked out. The nurses looked up as he walked in. The chief was standing there with his son, crying for his mom. Everyone came to attention when he walked in. He may not rule them all, but a great many, he did.

"He fell." Derek explained as they rushed up. "He- I can't examine him. But he needs tests. Everything is normal, his stats, but I don't want to take any chances." Derek explained. They all nodded as Derek laid Liam down and they began taking his stats.

Meredith rushed through the hallway. She just got there, and they were already paging. She hadn't even had time to find her worthless interns. As she rushed towards the pit, she saw Derek. She immediately felt angry. She knew this would happen. She knew he would dump off her son and come to work. As she rushed over, she thought about it. Alexis probably had him. She was probably cooing and cuddling with her baby.

"I can't believe you! You came to work?" Meredith spat angrily. "Where is Liam? Did you leave him with that whore neighbor of yours?" Meredith spat as she neared. It was harsh, too harsh. But she was so mad she couldn't contain herself.

"He fell." Derek said quickly as he looked at his son. She didn't grasp that he wasn't there for work. This was going to be much worse than he thought. Once she realized, it would be bad.

"What?" Meredith asked as she followed his eyes. As she looked over, her heart stopped. She looked at Liam, laying on the table. Her son was the call. Liam was hurt. He fell. She looked at Derek and back at him. She couldn't breathe.


	36. Fight

Meredith looked at Derek and back at Liam. She couldn't take the feeling that came over her. She was terrified. Liam was the only thing in her life that mattered at this point, and all she could think was that she was going she lose her little boy. Anger, frustration and worry boiled inside of her wildly.

"What do you mean, he fell?" Meredith screamed as she launched at him. She couldn't take it. He hurt their son. Her rationale was gone. She knew better than to think Derek would do anything to Liam on purpose. Her fists pounded her chest as she sobbed. "You bastard! He's all I have. Everything else is gone!" She yelled as she continued to beat him.

"Stop! Mer, Stop!" Derek said firmly as he grasped her wrists to stop her from hitting him again. It seemed her tiny ineffectual fists were not so ineffectual. "He is okay. Everything is normal. I just brought him in to be sure." Derek explained as he walked over to check on Liam.

"Dr. Shepherd, he looks fine." The nurse said as she looked down at Liam sobbed for his mom.

"Mamamaaa! Maaaa!" Liam screamed loudly, filling the pit with his cries.

"Oh, Leelee... It's okay, mama's here." Meredith told him as she walked over and picked him up. "You are okay, big guy. You're okay." She told him as she held him against her chest. He quickly laid his head against her chest and talked gibberish.

"You're okay, LP. Mama has you." Derek reiterated as he walked over and kissed his son on the head. "Daddy is sorry."

"What happened, Derek?" She asked angrily as she looked at him. She wanted to hit him again. She wasn't perfect. Not even close. But the thought of Liam falling on Derek's watch burning into her brain. It could happen with her and anyone else who watched her son. But this first time was more than traumatizing. "What happened? What did you do?"

"We were having a good time. He was crawling... I was right there, Mer. I saw it happen. He was at the table trying to pull himself to his feet. To stand, Mer. And he lost his balance and fell back on the kitchen floor." Derek explained. Looking back, it was so minor, he shouldn't even be here. He could have easily kept it in the dark and never told Meredith.

"You shouldn't have let him do that, Derek. You are supposed to to protect him. You should stop him from hurting himself." She told him as the tears fell from her eyes. Liam slept gently against her chest as she cried gently.

"Christ, Meredith!" Derek spat angrily. "He is a baby. This shit happens... They fall. Fuck, I probably fell a thousand times. My mom would throw a bandaid on me and convince me I was fine. He won't have brain damage from a fall!" He spat angrily as he glared at her.

"You are a shit father, Derek!" She yelled loudly as she looked at him. Now the whole hospital was listening in on their fight. This was not the display that they wanted to put on, but both were too far gone.

"Well, at least I'm not a drunk!" Derek told her loudly as he stood there. They were in a zone, just the two of them, fighting it out. They were saying things they both would regret.

"Me! You... I seemed to remember carrying your ass to bed!" Meredith shouted loudly as she got in his face. "You are such an asshole. You can have your whore neighbor... But not my son." She growled as she walked off.

"This is my weekend. You get your ass back here." Derek told her as he rushed behind her. Meredith spun around and faced him. If she didn't have Liam in her arms, she would punch him square in the face. Meredith felt someone's hands on her shoulders.

"Meredith..." Craig said softly from behind. "You need to calm down. Give Derek Liam." He told her softly. "It's his weekend, you don't have a leg to stand on here." Meredith looked at both of the men, and handed Liam over to Derek. Derek accepted his son with a frown. This had gotten way out of hand.

"I will see you tomorrow." Derek told her sadly. "And you need to go home. I will go home. You can't work like this." He told her as he walked away. Meredith watched her son disappear around the corner in his father's arms.

"Oh, Craig..." Meredith said as she turned around and fell into his chest. She couldn't take it. She was realizing what a fool she had been, all the way around. She needed Craig to reassure her.

"It's fine, Mer. You will be okay." He told her as he pulled away. "I have to work." He said coldly, wanting nothing to do with her.

"What?" Meredith asked in shock. "You..." She looked up into his cold eyes. He didn't want any part of any of this.

"I don't have time for this." He said as he threw his hands up and walked away.

"Oh... So now you don't want anything to do with me? I won't be your whore, so that is it?" She shouted angrily as she looked at his back. "Now you won't even talk to me?"

"Go home, Meredith... Go home." He muttered as he walked away, leaving her alone.

Meredith stood there in shock. He was her reserve. He was the guy she kept on the side. He cared for her, but she was unable to take the step. Now she was regretting everything. Maybe if she had just let him do it, he would still love her. Now she was alone. All alone.

--

Derek made sure that Meredith went home. As soon as he got to his car, he called the chief resident, Miranda Bailey and told her that Meredith could not work in her condition. She wasn't rational, and she would make a mistake. Having heard everything that happened through the gossip ring, Miranda agreed. Now she had to find Meredith and let her know.

Meredith stood there in shock. She couldn't move. The only thing she could think to do was to work. She had to bury her head in her job so that she could survive. Meredith drew in a breath, attempting to ignore the looks that now fell on her. It seemed she and Derek were the highlight of everyone. Meredith walked towards the chart stand and grabbed the first one she saw.

"Meredith..." Miranda said softly as she walked up. Generally, if someone put on a display in the hospital, they would get punishment. But at this moment, knowing how she felt about her own baby, all she could do was try to comfort the woman.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?" Meredith asked, trying to be professional and push off the feelings of dread and abandonment she was feeling.

"Why don't you come with me?" Miranda suggested as she walked towards the locker room. Meredith reluctantly walked along and followed her to the locker room. "Meredith... You need to go home for the night. You aren't in the emotional state to work."

"I'm fine." Meredith told her with and exuberant nod. She was starting to get a hang of the I'm fine.

"No, Meredith, you are not fine! People who are fine don't try to beat their ex-husband's up. People who are fine don't get into screaming matches in the middle of the hospital. Meredith, you are not fine! You are emotional. You are experiencing being away from your son for the first time. Meredith, you are not fine!" Miranda told her as she sat down on the bench next to her. Miranda looked into her eyes, waiting for her to break.

"I hate him! I hate him so much!" Meredith yelled loudly as she sat there. "He wants to ruin my life. He is taking my son. He is moving on and leaving me behind. I hate him! I hate him!" She said as she cried hard, avoiding Miranda's look.

"Oh, Meredith... See, that is the problem. You don't hate him. You love him. You are so in love with that man it's pathetic. And he feels the exact same way. You fools... You are fooling yourselves if you think that you are over..." Miranda told her wisely with a smile.

"No. Derek has moved on. He- He is done. I just need to accept that." Meredith told her as she stood up and grabbed her purse. "I've seen the way he looks at me. Anything we had, it's gone." Meredith told her as she grabbed her purse and walked out.

Miranda stood there shaking her head. They were both unreasonable idiots. It seemed that their lives were going down the tubes. They couldn't communicate. Miranda wasn't sure where it all went wrong, but this wasn't the couple she once knew. not by a long shot.

Meredith walked to the stairwell with her head down. She didn't want to see the looks and whispers that were referring to her. She was the one who's life was over. She was the one that blew something completely out of proportion. Hind sight is always 20-20 and now she was seeing that a baby falling is completely normal and she acted like a lunatic. As she rushed to her car, she felt sick. She did that. She ruined everything.

Meredith pulled up to the lonely house. She loved the house, but more often than not, she had to fight the urge to set it on fire. She wanted to watch it burn down, just as she had watched her life burn to the ground. This house was supposed to signify a future, and now it signified a past. Her heart was broken as she pulled into the garage next to John's Mercedes.

As she sat in her car, she thought about John. When she was with him, she wasn't happy. But now, she looked back, and like most people, all she saw was the positive. As many problems as they had, she never questioned that John loved her. It was an amazing love that went deeper than anything she had ever felt. She loved Derek. Derek was her soul mate. He was her everything. But in the back of her mind, she wondered if she tried to compare him to John, a man who she never loved as he loved her, but would never hurt her.

Meredith walked into her house. The tears were pouring out in abundance as her feet walked across the wood floor and over the small turkaman rug. She only had one thing in mind. One direction to follow. Of Derek was going to claim she was a drunk, she may as well be one. Today, she would drink the silver. She didn't need that smoother stuff. She wanted it to burn, and she wasn't planning on enjoying it anyway.

Meredith grabbed her bottle and walked to the sofa. She was wondering what Derek and Liam were doing. They were probably having a good time. She was sure that Derek was enjoying their son as she sat in misery, feeling as if she had nothing left. John left her just before she had a chance to bring him to his knees. Derek left her because she pushed him away. Craig left her because she couldn't commit. She had no one. She may not have strong feelings for Craig, but he was someone. He was something. And something is better than nothing.

Meredith sipped her tequila straight from the bottle. She was hoping for a quick knockdown. She didn't want to feel any pain. That was all she ever felt anymore. It was never ending pain. The only time she didn't have it was around Liam. But from now on, she would be dreading the weekends and unable to live in the present. Meredith sat in the dark until everything went black. The best way to drown out your pain. A bottle in your hand.

--

Derek was feeling guilty as he sat on the sofa. Liam was already down for the night. And Derek was ready to go down for the night too. He felt sick over their confrontation. He knew how much Meredith worried about Liam. He should have known better than to act the way he did. It was in the heat of the moment. He never meant to call her a drunk. He knew she used it as a release. And he wished she didn't have to have a release at all.

Derek laid back on the sofa. He didn't even have the drive to go to his room. He hadn't even brushed his teeth or anything else. He was still in his clothes. He just couldn't make himself do anything. He hated leaving her like that. The only comfort, and he wasn't even sure he could call it comfort, was knowing that Craig was there with her. He didn't like the thought of her going back into her self-hate mode.

i_Derek walked into the house. It was completely dark. Meredith didn't even have a light on. They had always left the kitchen track lights on incase they had to get up and get something for Liam. He struggled to hold his son as he attempted to stay on his feet. He knew the house like the back of his hand, but he was still not around it enough to know every nook and cranny. Especially if she had moved something around. _

_Derek flipped the light on and walked into the kitchen, turning on the small track lights and turning off the big ones. As he walked out of the kitchen and upstairs, he knew he had to check on her. He placed a sleeping Liam in his crib and made his way into their room. He was shocked to see that the bed was still made, and no one was around._

_"Mer?" Derek said loudly as he walked around, looking in the master bath. "Mer..." He muttered as he walked around the upstairs, going from room to room. He didn't see a trace of her anywhere. His heart started to beat nervously. In the back of his head, he wondered if she was with Craig._

_Derek walked down the stairs quickly. He was actually getting frustrated that she was out. He didn't want to be out. He didn't want to move on. But at the same time, he didn't want her to either. He quickly walked down, his eyes falling to the big picture window. Three steps from the bottom, he looked up, seeing her in the moonlight. His heart stopped as he jumped down the stairs and rushed over to her. She was out, bottle in her hand, unresponsive./i_

Derek sat bolt upright. Fear ran through his veins like ice water. Something was wrong. He was worried. He quickly grabbed out his cellphone and dialed her home number. He knew that Miranda had sent her home, and she had to be there. After the sixth ring, the answering machine came on, saying that Meredith and Derek weren't in. He frowned, she never changed the message. He quickly dialed her cellphone, it going straight to voicemail. Maybe it was crazy, but he had to go over there. He had to see.

Derek packed up a sleeping Liam. He didn't need to take any of his bags because anything the needed was already there. Liam stirred softly as Derek strapped him in the car seat and climbed into the driver's seat. Maybe it was foolish, but he wasn't taking any chances.

Derek drove up to the dark house, just like his dream. He was really afraid of what he was going to walk in to. Instead of walking to the kitchen, he flipped on the lights, struggling to keep Liam in his arms. His eyes got wide as he looked at her. She was out, with the bottle in her hand.

Derek rushed over and placed Liam in the pack and play. He walked over to Meredith, thankful that she was breathing shallowly. She shouldn't be there. She shouldn't have drank herself to oblivion. He looked at her head, bent to the side. Surely if she stayed this way, she would have a horrible crick in her neck.

Derek quickly grabbed Liam and walked him upstairs and to his crib. The sleeping baby had a smile on his face as he laid down in his crib. Derek walked to her room and pulled the blankets back. She couldn't sleep on the sofa. He flipped the small light on and made his way back downstairs.

"I'm taking you to bed, Mer." Derek told her softly as he scooped her up. He was shocked at how light she was as he carried her body up the stairs. He never remembered being able to carry her this easily. Derek placed her in the bad and pulled off her shoes.

Derek walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in. He shouldn't be there, but he couldn't leave her. He was far too worried. Meredith and tequila were always trouble and he would never forgive himself if something happened. As he laid beside her, he stared at her sleeping face. Their relationship was volatile. And he had no idea how to diffuse the bomb.

--

Derek laid awake for hours. He was shocked that Liam was sleeping so soundly in his own crib. He couldn't sleep. There was no way he could even consider the pleasure that was sleeping. He was next to a bomb. The longer he laid there, the more he feared for his life. He knew that when she woke up she was going to be nastier than a wet cat.

Derek was feeling sick. She was right there next to him, but she was so far away. He felt that no matter how far he reached, he couldn't touch her. He was broken hearted over the whole mess that had become their lives. He could smell the faint tinge of tequila on her breath as she breathed in and out. She always breathed through her mouth when she was drunk.

Derek listened to the stillness of the house. It was his house. Their house. It was a house that he missed more than he cared to admit. He longed for the simple days when they would sleep in the tiny Airstream trailer. He missed his trailer. He missed the love that they shared when life was so easy. When their life was basic and their only job was to love each other.

Derek jumped out of the bed. He knew that she didn't have work, neither did he, but he did not want to be there when she opened her eyes. He didn't want to be there when she began screaming because he was in their bed. He was going to have to play this off, and he was going to have to play it off good.

Derek walked downstairs and into the kitchen. He was going to make some coffee and have a little breakfast until she woke up. He would just say he brought Liam home early. That would be what he would say. As he looked around the cupboards, he frowned. There was no muesli. There was nothing. She had a lot of food for Liam, but that was it. It looked like it was coffee for breakfast.

Meredith moaned loudly as her body came awake. She could feel the splitting headache that was so close. Her famous tequila headache. She shielded her eyes as she laid there waiting for the pain to come. Meredith rubbed the sheets next to her and scrunched her face in confusion. She didn't come to bed. She may have passed out, but she remembered where she did it at. And she knew that she did not make it up the stairs.

Meredith stumbled to the bathroom. She was wondering what she had done. She was wondering if it had been Craig who put her to bed. She sighed at the face that she still had clothes on. Because if she hadn't, there was no guarantee one way or the other. She splashed some water on her face and looked at the tired person looking back in the mirror. And then she heard a faint cry.

Liam was home. She actually panicked. Her first thought was that she had gotten so drunk that she didn't even remember Liam coming home. She feared that she had known he was home and still drank herself into a stupor. She quickly rushed down the hallway, ignoring her splitting head. She had to take care of her son. Meredith rushed into his room and looked in shock as she stood up, looking at his mom.

"Leelee! Look at you! You're standing!" She said in shock as she looked at the little boy standing there, holding on. "How is mama's boy?" She asked as she walked over and kissed him on the head.

"Ba." He said as he looked up at her. Meredith smiled as she lifted him off.

"You're not bad. You're good. You're great. Such a good boy. Are you wet?" She asked as she laid him down and pulled out a diaper. "You are... Not too bad. Just a little." She told him as she pulled off his soggy diaper and threw it into the trash can.

"Ma... Mamamaaa. Ma ba." He said as he looked up at her.

"Yeah... Mama kind of is, isn't she?" Meredith asked him with a frown as she pulled off his onsie and changed him into an outfit. "Are you hungry? Mama can get you some breakfast." She told him with a nod as she scooped him up and walked down the stairs. She looked out the picture window as she walked along, not paying attention to the man in her kitchen.

"DA!" Liam squealed happily as he looked up, seeing his dad at the kitchen table.

"Derek... What are you doing here?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked up. She quickly looked at the calendar and realized that it was Sunday. She was relieved that she was starting to remember. Derek really would have had fuel for the fire if she wasn't even sure when her son came home.

"I brought him home this morning. You were sleeping." Derek said with a sigh as he kissed his son on the head. He wanted to say more. He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to ask her why in the hell he had to pull out a bottle of Silver Patron out of her hand.

"Oh... Thank you... I mean it is your day. You could have kept him. But that was wonderful of you." Meredith said with a smile. Derek started to feel angry. She was acting like life was fine when it so clearly was not.

"I lied." Derek said in response. "I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? I had to come here last night. I was worried. And I found you... I found you passed out, Mer. I carried you to your bed. You have to stop this. And Liam... He needs you."

"Don't you dare throw Liam into this. What I do when he is away is my business! Do you hear me, Derek! Don't worry- You know what, this isn't right. This is why we are divorced. We can't fight in front of Liam. Maybe you should just go." Meredith said sadly as she placed her son in the highchair.

"I worry about you, Mer." Derek told her with a frown.

"Just don't... I would never do anything to endanger Liam." Meredith told him with a nod. "Never."

"I didn't say I was worried about Liam, Mer." Derek told her as he pulled his shoes on. "I worry about you." He explained as he kissed his son on the head. "I don't want to have to worry..."

"Then don't." Meredith said sadly as she turned away, unable to look him in the eyes. They were both so close. They needed each other. And they were starting to realize it.


	37. Hit

Meredith looked down at her son. He was breaking her heart into tiny pieces. He had followed Derek to the door with his eyes. He watched his dad walk out of his life just one more time. Meredith kissed her sad and confused son's face. She didn't like it. She didn't want to see her little boy broken. She was quickly regretting things. A lot of things.

"Is your belly full?" Meredith asked as she looked down at Liam.

"Ma... Da." He said as he looked at the door. Meredith ran her hand along his cheek and brushed his face.

"Yeah... Daddy had to go. And mommy, it seems she has messed up once again." Meredith told him with a frown. "Mommy just keeps making mistake after mistake, doesn't she?" Meredith asked as she wiped the tray of the highchair down. "How would you like to go for a walk, Liam Patrick?" She asked as she looked into his blue eyes and bent down to his level.

"Waa." He said, mimicking her words. Meredith smiled at her boy. He was so smart, and he was getting smarter by the day. She couldn't help but feel a little bad that Derek was missing his accomplishments, no matter how big or small they really were.

"Yep, a walk. But you will need a jacket. Do you want to wear your blue jacket, or your yellow jacket?" She asked as she pointed to the colors blue and yellow. Liam giggled loudly as she asked him over and over again. "I'm thinking blue. Your daddy likes blue. Indigo, actually. That is a really dark blue."

"Boo." Liam said loudly as he banged his spoon on the tray and looked around.

"Yes, blue it is." She said as she pulled him out of the chair. "Let's go get you dressed. We'll put in a jacket. And your yellow boots." Meredith explained. She liked to talk to him like he was a person, and not a baby.

"Boo." Liam said again as he grabbed her face.

"Be nice to mommy's face. She kind of needs her face. You have to be kind. And soft. Give mommy a kiss. Like this..." She told him as she leaned in and kissed him. His mouth got sloppy as she kissed him. "Such a good kisser. We're going to have to keep you away from the girls..."

"Ma... Da?" Liam asked as she pulled his jacket on. "Da isn't here, buddy. I'm sorry. It's just you and I today. Just you and I..." She repeated sadly as she pulled his little boots on.

Meredith loved her special time with Liam. She loved it more than anything. But she was feeling lonely. She walked through the property pushing her off road stroller through the semi-rough terrain. She was feeling like she needed to talk to someone. She wasn't convinced that sharing all of her secrets with Liam was a good idea. She looked down as Liam looked around with wide-eyes. He would be tired soon, and then she would be lonely.

Meredith and Liam listened to the crunching of the leaves that were still laying on the ground. She could hear the birds chirping happily at the exit of winter. Everything was becoming green and beautiful. New life was blossoming all around her. And yet, she couldn't help but think her own was dying. She was dying inside.

"Do you like going for walks, Leelee?" Meredith asked as she looked down. "Of course not... You're sleeping." Meredith said sadly. "And now mommy is all alone. Again."

Meredith thought about Craig. She really liked Craig. They got along well. They seemed to have a lot in common, and Meredith had seen Craig's kind nature. She had seen him with Liam. He loved her little boy like he was his own. But Meredith never took it out of her head that Derek was Liam's father, and she did not want a replacement in that aspect.

Meredith was impressed at the compassion that Craig showed with his patients. She had seen him with the sick children. He seemed to offer them so much hope. And with all his patients, he never gave up. He would fight alongside them to the end. Meredith liked that about him. He was a guy that would stick by you.

Meredith picked up her cellphone as she pushed the stroller on the more even terrain. She wanted to call and see what he was doing. She was feeling bad about their last confrontation. Craig was a guy that wanted so much. He was always ready to move forward and be positive. And she felt like she had yanked him back unfairly. She shouldn't have let him think something was going on when it wasn't.

"Hello?" Craig answered quickly.

"Hi... It's me. Meredith." She said, as if he didn't know who she was.

"Oh... Yeah. What's up?" He asked, she could sense some irritation in his voice. She was wondering if he was at the hospital.

"Well, I'm here taking Liam for a walk... And I was thinking I may attempt to cook a real dinner tonight. So I was wondering if you would like to join us?" Meredith asked, full of hope. She wanted the second chance, and some decent conversation.

"Look, Meredith... I explained to you... This is not working. You can't seem to move on. And I'm not waiting forever. I have learned a long time ago that you can't wait forever. So I think... Look, I need to go. Enjoy your dinner." He said as he hung up.

Meredith felt the tears prick her eyes. He didn't want anything to do with her. No one wanted anything to do with her. She was all alone. She let the sobs come as she pushed Liam along. She had pushed away man after man. And now it seemed she would never be happy. She took in a gasping breath. It seems you don't want something, until you can't have it. Then you want it more than anything.

--

Meredith was frustrated. She was angry. She was sad. She didn't understand why Craig didn't want anything to do with her. One minute he was following her around as if he couldn't make it through the world without her. And now he was acting like she was the scum of the earth. It was hurting her feelings. It was hurting her deep.

Meredith walked down the halls. She wanted to talk to him. She needed to make him understand. She felt like she lost everything. They were friends. Good friends. She felt like she could trust him, and now she was feeling like she was all alone. He brushed her off and dumped her like old trash on the side of the road. She was that bag that every dog that walked by peed on.

"Hey." Meredith said as she walked up to Cristina. She didn't really want to deal with her so called person, but at the same time, she needed someone.

"So what is going on with you and McMuffin?" Cristina asked frankly. Meredith looked at her in confusion and then realized she was referring to who Meredith was now calling McAsshat.

"McMuffin... Yeah, I don't think so." Meredith told her with a nod. "I don't know. One minute we're good, and the next we are not. I don't know. I mean just because I couldn't sleep with him..." Meredith trailed off sadly. She was regretting it. She was feeling like if she could just let it go, he would care about her.

"You haven't done the nasty, nasty yet? God, Mer... You really are pathetic. Waiting around for McDumbass. You are... This is just painful to watch." Cristina told her frankly. "I think we need to go out and you need to get laid."

"I have a son." Meredith explained. Even if she was into sleeping with random men, she couldn't do that to Liam. She couldn't bring guys home. She couldn't hurt him in that way. Even if he would never know, she would think about him.

"Yeah... You have a son. So I guess you should uh... Become a Monastic, take communion and go back to seclusion. I'm glad you're not a fan of sex..." Cristina joked as she looked at her. "If you got laid... You would feel better."

"Yeah. For a second. And then... Then I would feel worse than ever." Meredith said with a sigh. " I guess... Yeah." Meredith told her as she shook her head and walked away. She was feeling frustrated all the way around. As she made her way to the snack machine, she frowned. Maybe she was in for a life of loneliness. She wanted to be strong. She didn't want to settle. But she was wondering what her life would be. Would it end with a man she met in the bar laying by her side?

Meredith looked up as she placed her money in the machine. Craig was coming her way. Not to her. He was deep in thought as he stared at a file in his hand. Now she could catch him. She wanted to catch him. She wanted to make him see. Maybe she could convince him that like was better and she needed him. She needed him because no one else would ever want her.

"Hey you." She said softly as she pushed the button for a bag of chips. She watched as the bag clunked to the bottom. She pushed the swinging door and removed the bag from it's prison.

"Oh. Hey." Craig muttered as he paused. He wouldn't have stopped if she hadn't called him out. He saw her, but he was avoiding the hailstorm that was her life.

"So... Uh... How are you?" Meredith stammered as she looked up into his brown eyes. She was upset with him. How could he be one of those guys? The ones that dump you off the minute they realize you aren't what they want. He wants a lay. He is in it for the lay. And Meredith is too stupid to realize it.

"Busy. Do you need something?" He asked with irritation. He is frustrated with her. She has no idea why. Nothing happened. Except for her blue balling him. That minor detail.

"What happened... I mean, I know what happened... But we were great. And you were great. And now you are acting like I am some pile of shit that you were so unlucky to step on. I really liked you... And this... It's fucking me up." Meredith said frankly. She was actually proud of herself for taking such a bold stand to him.

"Mer... It's not like that... It's- You are hung up on a man that doesn't love you. You may think he does. I know you think he does. But you also know that things haven't been good between you and him in a long time. Everyone knows that he was saying shit. Everyone is this hospital knows that after you got pregnant he lost interest. I guess they were too nice to tell you... But me, I don't want to see you get hurt. So here we are. Like I said, I like you. I like you a lot. But you are stuck on a man that will never come around to you. You should be treasured. And you can't let it go. So I am keeping my distance." He told her as he looked up.

Meredith stood there in shock. A whole range of emotions took her over as she stood there. Derek didn't love her. He had been turned off by her for a long time. She held back the tears as she let it all sink in. It hurt more than anyone would ever know. And now she was desperate. For love. Because apparently even when she thought she had it, she did not.

"I- I don't want to wait." She gasped as she looked up. "I want to make it work. Give me a chance..." She told him as she looked up. She couldn't be alone. If it made her weak, it made her weak.

--

Meredith stood in her kitchen and looked around. She thought about when she made the big dinner to announce their engagement That was her first real try at cooking. John had always been an excellent cook and she let him have the run. And Derek was a good cook, but he rarely had time. It wasn't too far into their marriage that she realized that if she wanted to eat, she had to make something.

Meredith could smell the chicken wafting in the air. It was her first time making a whole chicken. She knew that Craig liked it. She went through Lois' cookbooks and found a recipe for homemade stuffing. She was going to do it right. She had to do something. It had been a week. She followed him for a week. She didn't even realize how pathetic it was. She just wanted love from someone who hadn't hurt her.

"Leelee... We are going to have dinner with Craig tonight... Is that okay?" She asked softly. She never planned on making Craig a replacement for Derek. No one could replace his father.

"Ma ba." He pouted as he looked up from his seat. Meredith smiled and handed him his bottle. He was ahead in height and weight. And of course she and Derek were sure that he was smarter than any other child in the world.

"Daddy will be over tomorrow to see you. What do you think about that? Daddy has gotten better about seeing his LP, hasn't he?" She asked as she caressed his cheek with her hand. "Do you want some taters?" She asked as she spooned up mashed potatoes and held it to his mouth. He eagerly gobbled them down and smiled. She made them more runny than sticky so that he could handle them.

Meredith still couldn't get over the decrease in hours that Derek was working. She didn't understand how that was working. He had never had time for his family, and now he was going home at a decent hour every night. She couldn't help but wonder if he was going home to Alexis. It stung. She couldn't imagine a woman in his bed. She couldn't stand the thought.

"Hello?" Meredith heard Craig say loudly as he opened the door. Meredith liked his accent. It was something different and exotic.

"We're in here." Meredith said softly as she pulled the chicken out of the oven, smiling at it. It looked perfect. She could only hope that it tasted that way too. "I hope you are hungry."

"Starving. And I have to admit, I am a bit eager to taste what you can cook. I didn't think you enjoyed it?" He asked as he walked in and took a deep breath. He could smell the scent of a perfectly cooked meal.

"I do it occasionally. It's one of my many qualities." Meredith told him with a nod. "I have many, you know..."

"Oh, I know." Craig said with a smirk as he walked over and nuzzled into her neck. Meredith was surprised at how unnatural it felt. She sighed and let the feeling pass. "Let me help you." He said as he grabbed the dish from her hand. She smiled softly and let go of her grasp.

"Thank you." She said as she grabbed the rolls and sat them down. "I hope you like it." She muttered as she looked over at him. She just wanted to make him happy. She wanted to make anyone happy who would let her.

"Oh, I'm sure I will like anything you give me, Mer." She told her with a smirk. Meredith nodded her head slightly in agreement. She had an uneasy feeling but decided to let it pass and ignore her better judgement.

"So how was the hospital?" Meredith asked as she gave Liam a spoon of potatoes. He took the large plastic spoon she let him play with and he began banging on his tray.

"It was good." Craig said loudly, obviously annoyed by Liam's loud playing. "Does he have to do that while we are eating?" He asked frankly. Meredith looked over at him and glared. She didn't like that. She didn't like that he was having a problem with Liam. Two weeks ago he would have loved it.

"He's just keeping himself busy." She said with a smile as she watched her son play. Meredith picked at her own food as Craig went on about one of his new patients. He seemed to think she would have a good outcome. It was always nice to hear about the success stories.

"So you are off tomorrow?" Craig asked with a smile as he looked at her.

"I am." Meredith told him frankly as she took a bite of her juicy chicken. "Do you have to be in?"

"I'd like to go in and check on a patient, but no, I don't have any appointments. They try to keep Fridays clear for me. That was I have the weekend without the worry of a new patient in distress." He explained as he looked around. "Actually, I got a job offer in California. It's a cancer treatment center..."

"Oh... Do you plan on going?" Meredith asked as she looked into his brown eyes. She didn't take too much stock into it. She realized a long time ago to not worry until she had a reason.

"Well, It was a generous offer. And they have a great residency program..." Craig told her with a smile. Her smile soon faded.

"Oh... That is uh... Great. I guess." Meredith said in shock.

She looked up at Craig like he was insane. She couldn't believe he even said that to her. Seattle was her home. She loved Seattle. And she wasn't planning on leaving. She and John left everything to come to Seattle, and there was no way she was leaving. She wasn't leaving her friends. She wasn't leaving her family. And she wasn't leaving her job. Not for anyone.

"Yeah... You know... If you ever decide to start over." Craig explained as he looked at her.

Meredith made it more than obvious that she wasn't going anywhere just by the look on her face. Craig wanted Meredith to move with him. Before he even suggested it, he knew she would be against it. Craig could think about nothing more than he and Meredith running off and away from Derek and all her ties.

"Well, I don't plan on going anywhere. Seattle is my home." Meredith told him frankly. "I want Liam to grow up here. And his father is here. This is where we are staying."

"I was just making conversation." Craig lied as he took a bite of his food. They remained in an awkward silence, both grasping at something to say.

"Oh... Yes... Would you like some wine?" Meredith asked with a smile. She was looking for any excuse to do something. "I have a nice Cabernet Sauvignon." Meredith told him as she grabbed the glasses and the bottle.

"Sounds perfect." Craig agreed as Meredith poured him a glass. He swirled it around and sipped the robust, full bodied wine. "Perfect." He told her with a nod. Meredith poured herself a small glass, it not being her favorite. "You aren't having much." Craig pointed out as he looked down at her glass.

"It's a little too dry for me." She explained with a smile as she took a little sip. It was something she liked, but not too much of. "So how is that little girl you had last week? She was so sweet. She gave me one of her flowers." Meredith told him as she spooned a bite of food into Liam's mouth. He quickly spat it back out at her and laughed.

"She is doing well. I just hope that this treatment works. She is such a great little kid." Craig explained with a slight smile as he looked at Liam. He really like the little boy, but he couldn't help but see Derek in him, and that was something he didn't like.

"That's great." Meredith pointed out with a nod as she took another sip.

They both remained in neutral conversation. The hospital seemed to be the best thing for them to talk about. Meredith nodded and listened to his story. She just liked to hear his smooth voice. There was something about it that naturally calmed her. She continued to listen as she fed Liam. He was only taking in a few bites and spitting the rest out.

"You are such a little stinker!" Meredith said with a nod as she leaned in and kissed her son. "You need to be hosed off! You need to be cleaned."

"Ke..." He repeated as she wiped his face off with a damp cloth.

"All done!" She said with a smile. "Your belly is full. You are all clean. Now you need to get ready for bed. Do you want to go to bed?" Meredith asked with a smile.

"Ba..." Liam said with a squeal.

"You take him to bed, and I will clean this up." Craig said with a smile.

"Only if you are sure... " Meredith told him frankly. He nodded his head in agreement. "There is some bourbon if you want some... In the liquor cabinet." She told him as she took Liam out of the chair and walked him to the upstairs.

"Are you sleepy?" She asked with a smile as she looked into his eyes. She knew he really wasn't tired, even if it was close to his bed time. He laid him down and changed him into pajamas. "How about mommy reads her best guy a story?" Meredith asked as they sat down in the chair. Meredith grabbed a book and sat down with it.

Meredith read Liam story after story as she tried to get him down. She had never seen him so resistant. It was like he knew that things were going on in the world and he was missing out big time. She sighed as she held him close and rocked over and over again. Finally she was able to get him to close his eyes with her as she pretended to sleep. She gently laid him down in his crib and smiled. He was growing too fast.

"Sorry that took so long..." Meredith said as she walked into the kitchen. She watched as Craig wiped off the kitchen table. "Oh, you really don't have to do that!"

"I can help." He told her with a smile as he wiped the high chair clean. Meredith walked to the sink and started doing the small amount of dishes from their meal. She liked having someone around. Whether he was helping or not, it was nice to have him there.

"You look good..." Craig breathed into her ear as she wiped a dish dry. She frowned as she looked up. She could smell the bourbon on his breath.

"Oh..." Meredith said as she sat the dish down on the counter.

"Why don't you stop cleaning..." He told her as he turned her around and shoved her against the counter. He forced his tongue into her mouth and looked into her wide eyes. Meredith could taste the bourbon on his tongue. She didn't like it. Not one bit.

"Craig!" Meredith said as she pushed him away. "What are you doing?" She questioned in shock.

"God, Meredith... What is your problem? You won't fuck me, but you had no problem cheating on your husband with Derek. Everyone knows what a whore you are." Craig spat nastily. She couldn't believe he was already drunk. She couldn't believe he said that to her.

"Fuck you!" Meredith spat as she raised her hand and cracked him across the face. "Don't you talk to me like that!"

"Bitch!" He screamed as he raise his hand and hit her as hard as he could with the flat of his hand. Meredith gasped at the blow. She could feel the heat rising to the surface. Her neck was wrenched from the blow. "Don't you ever fucking hit me!" He screamed as he grabbed her wrists and shoved her against the counter.


	38. Fear

Meredith looked into Craig's cold eyes. She had never seen him like that. It scared her. It rocked her to her core. He was angry. He was irate. She looked into his eyes as she felt the pain in her face. He hit her hard. Way too hard. She could feel the pressure of his strong hands grasping her wrists way too firmly. It was pain. She felt helpless.

As Meredith remained there, the tears willing their way to the surface, she felt sick. She had never experienced this. Derek and John would have never hit her. Neither had even threatened her with their hand. She felt so weak was he pressed her body with his. He was powerful and she was weak. She felt like all control was lost. As she looked at him, she wondered what his intentions were. She knew no matter what, they were not good.

All Meredith could think about was Liam. She never wanted him to experience a broken home. She never wanted him to witness violence. And now she was in her kitchen getting ready to be a victim. As she leaned back in shock, she knew that he was going to hurt her. If she didn't do what he said, she was done for. She quickly decided that she was not going to to it. She would not be a victim in her own home with her sleeping son upstairs. Not today.

"You are such a whore." Craig said as he leaned in and breathed in her face. "I should take you upstairs, that is all you are good for." He told her with an evil smirk. Meredith clenched her jaw and and braced herself.

"Fuck you!" She shouted as him. She was so angry, spit went flying all over his face.

"You bitch!" He yelled as he smacked her across the face again. Meredith pulled away, and Craig ripped her back so hard, she felt her shoulder pop. He shoved her hard against the counter again, ready to strike.

"Not today." She said frankly. Meredith quickly raised her knee and hit him as hard as she could in the groin. She felt powerful. Now she was in control.

"Oh..." Craig groaned as he grabbed himself and collapsed on the floor.

Meredith didn't even look back as she ran up the stairs. Her first thought was to save her son. She needed to save her little boy. As she reached the landing, she felt her sock slide on the wood floor. She fell hard onto the floor and quickly climbed to her feet, not even looking to see if he was coming.

Meredith ran into Liam's nursery. She slammed the door and went to lock it, realizing it couldn't be locked. She let out a howl in desperation as she looked at her last resort slip away. Meredith ran over and grabbed Liam out of his crib. The boy's eyes opened quickly as he looked at him mom in shock. He looked terrified, getting awoken from her deep slumber. Meredith went to run out of the room and paused fro a second, grabbing his diaper bag.

"Meredith..." She heard him yell evilly. He was getting closer. He was coming up the stairs.

"Oh god..." Meredith cried out as she ran into the master bedroom and into the bathroom. She knew that the bathroom had a lock. She quickly slammed the door shut and locked it. She stuck her vanity chair under the door handle.

"Mamamaaa!" Liam screamed out of fear as he looked at her. He knew something was wrong with his mom.

"Shhhh... You're okay, baby. You are okay... Mama has you, and mama will die protecting you." She said as she started to cry.

"Meredith!" Craig screamed as he banged on the door. "Get out here!" He yelled.

"Mamaaaa!" Liam screamed as he looked at his mom in a panic. Meredith sat on the floor and held him close, rocking them both back and forth. "Mama is so sorry, Leelee... Mama is so sorry..."

"Get out here! Get out here now!" Craig yelled loudly as he stood there, banging.

"Just leave! I won't say anything... Just please, leave..." Meredith said as she cried.

"Are you crying? Why the fuck are you crying? You brought this on yourself!" He growled angrily.

Meredith remained silent as Craig screamed at her. She knew he was drunk. She knew it, but that didn't excuse him. Meredith knew that Derek would never get violent with her. Craig flew off the handle at her for no reason. Meredith ignored him as she rocked back and forth with Liam. Liam cuddled against his mom and whimpered.

"I'm a horrible mother... I'm a horrible mother... I'm a horrible mother..." Meredith continually muttered as she rocked. "I'm so sorry, Liam... I'm so sorry. Mama is bad. She is a horrible person." She cried, trying to calm herself down.

"Ma." Liam said softly as he grabbed her face. Meredith looked down at him and kissed him softly. "Ma..."

"Mama loves you, Leelee... So much." She told him softly.

"Meredith... Look... I'm sorry. I shouldn't- You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. Why don't you come out here and we can talk?" She heard him say as he leaned against the door and slid down.

Meredith remained silent as she sat there. No way was she going to go out there and talk to him. She may a fool, but she wasn't that much of a fool. He hit her once, and that was it. He would never lay a hand on her again. She would never be a victim. Not after that. She would never forget the anger in his eyes. She hadn't even done anything to provoke him, and he went insane and tried to hurt her. She couldn't trust him. And now she was wondering if she could trust anyone.

"Ma..." Liam said softly as he looked up at his mom. He was just as upset as she, but he felt better in her arms. "Ma... Da?" He asked softly.

"Oh, Leelee... You have no idea how much I wish Da was here." Meredith told him as she hugged him softly. Liam started to whimper as he looked up at her.

"Foo." He muttered as he rubbed his belly.

"Oh... You're hungry. Oh no..." Meredith said sadly as she looked around the bathroom. She leaned over and grabbed the diaper bag, sliding it towards them. She quickly rustled through it, looking for something for him to eat. "Yay!" She told him softly as she pulled out a container of applesauce. "Food for the belly." She told him with a smile.

"Ya..." He said happily as he giggled. Meredith reached over for a spoon and felt a shooting pain in her arm. She winced as she continued to reach through the pain. She quickly opened up the container of food and got a spoonful of applesauce for him.

"You are such a good boy." Meredith told him as she wiped the spoon on his top lip. Liam squealed happily as Meredith gave him another bite.

"Meredith!" Craig screamed as heard Liam. Liam jumped nervously at the loud voice and began screaming and crying. "Shut the kid up, or I will shut him up for you!" Craig warned loudly.

"I swear to god, if you even consider trying that, I will fucking kill you." Meredith told him angrily. "You hurt me, but you will never hurt my son."

"You need to come out here so we can talk." Craig told her frankly as he started banging on the door. Meredith held Liam close, shielding him from Craig and his yelling.

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"I am not talking to you. Not ever. Go away. Please, just... Just go." Meredith begged as she looked down at Liam's tear rimmed eyes. "It's okay... Leelee, you are okay. Mama would die to save you. You will be okay."

Meredith listened as Craig begged her to come out. She knew that if she went out there, he was going to hurt her. She had no way out. The bathroom was on the second floor and she had no way to get down. She was in the middle of no where in the woods. She was stuck. At the moment, she was seriously regretting not getting a phone line in the bathroom. Derek had said they needed it, and she told him that was the stupidest idea she had ever heard. Now she was hating herself. She wished she had grabbed her cellphone. But she got something much more important. She had Liam.

"Liam, are you tired?" Meredith asked softly as she looked down at him. He closed his eyes softly and opened them again. She could tell he was tired. She laid him down and struggled to change his diaper with her bad arm. At least it was her left, that was the only good thing about it. "Mama will make you a bed." She told him with a frown as she looked around. They had several oversized bath towels rolled up in the wooden cabinet. It was enough to make Liam a nice soft bed and her a pillow.

"Ma... Be..." Liam said as he looked at her. She spread the towels out, making a cushion.

She laid him down gently and gave him a soft kiss. She felt sick as she looked at him. She should have known about Craig before it ever escalated to this. It was breaking her heart that she allowed this to happen. She wished nothing more than to have Derek there to save her. She wished that she had done so many things differently. Meredith felt several tears slide down her cheeks before she laid down with Liam on the cold tile floor.

Liam looked into her eyes. Neither had to say a thing as they stared. Liam found comfort in his mother, even when she was an emotional wreck. Meredith felt a sense of solace and contentment as she looked into the bright blue eyes of her son. They were eyes that matched his father's perfectly. For a split second, she felt as if she had Derek there with her. Liam softly closed his eyes, shutting the door between them. As he drifted off to sleep, Meredith felt alone and cold.

Meredith could feel the cold tile on her skin. She had the shivers. She looked around, remembering the plush bathroom rug by the bathtub. She was in so much pain, she wasn't even thinking straight. She crawled over on one arm and dragged it over next to Liam. As she laid there, she felt the pain in her head and shoulder taking over. She had to sleep to make it stop. She gathered Liam as closely as she could so that she would know when he was awake. Now all she had to do was wait. Wait for someone. Wait for no one.

Meredith woke up all night long. She never even realized that Craig had awoken from his drunken state and stumbled away. He climbed in his car and left. She slept through the front door closing and the sound of crunching stone under his tires. The only thing that woke her up was the shooting pains going through her body. She woke up abruptly when she head a loud banging on the bathroom door. She was terrified that he was there, ready to kill her.

"Meredith!" She heard a soothing voice say. She was safe. They made it.

"Mom!" Meredith said quickly.

Meredith rose to her feet. Her mother was there. The last thing she ever would have thought she wanted, was the first thing that she did. She needed her mom. When she was scared, her mom was the one that was going to save her. Meredith ambled to the door. For a split second, she was scared, but she knew it was really her. It really was her mom.

"Meredith... What are you doing in your bathroom? Where is my grandson?" Ellis asked on the other side of the door. Meredith moved the vanity chair away from the milk glass door handle and flipped the lock. Meredith slowly opened the door and looked at her mother. "Oh my god..." Ellis said in shock.

Ellis looked at her daughter in shock. She immediately felt the tears come to the surface. It broke her heart to see her daughter look the way she did. She had red marks and bruises all over her face. She was standing there with her left shoulder hanging limply to her side. She couldn't believe that Meredith had been hurt. It is seemed she had been hiding.

"Where is he? I will kill him! I will kill him..." Ellis shouted loudly. "Of all things... I never thought Derek would do this to you."

"No! No... Derek didn't do this." Meredith explained quickly. "Oh god no... Derek would never... Oh mommy." Meredith cried as she collapsed against her mother's chest.

Everything felt safe as she laid there against her mother. She had never felt that way. Ellis had always been so cold. She didn't have a kind bone in her body. But right then, Meredith felt more at ease as she had in a long time. She let her limp body lay against her mom's forgetting about all of the bad things in the world. Ellis stroked her daughter's back gently. She didn't want to find her daughter like this. She didn't want to see her bruised and broken.

"Ma..." Liam pouted loudly. Meredith turned around and looked in shock.

"Oh my god..." Meredith and Ellis both said as they looked over at Liam. Liam had pulled himself to his feet by the bathtub and was trying to walk over to them.

"Holy crap." Meredith said as she rushed over. "Leelee! You're walking!" Meredith said as she rushed up to him. Just as she reached, he fell into her arms. "Ah!" She cried out as the pain shot through her body. She quickly collapsed onto the floor, holding him tightly.

"Meredith..." Ellis gasped as she rushed over to her daughter's side. Liam started crying at his mom's own cries. He looked up at Ellis and back at his mom, his bottom lip stuck way out as the tears flowed down his cheeks. "Is it your arm, baby?"

"Oh god... It hurts mom... It hurts." She said as she laid there in the fetal position. "My shoulder... I can't take the pain."

"Come here, Liam." Ellis said as she patted her leg. Liam gave her a puzzled look and crawled over, feeling the safety in her voice. "Come here you sweet boy. Mommy is okay."

"Ma..." Liam cried as he looked at her. "Mamamamaamamaa..." He whimpered in a long drawn-out string.

"She's okay." Ellis told him as she knelt next to Meredith. "Meredith... Who did this to you?" Ellis asked softly as she looked at her daughter.

"I was so scared, mommy. He was okay. We were having a good dinner. I just wanted to be happy. I was desperate to be happy. I thought if I could push myself just a little harder, I could be happy. I thought that he would care about me if I gave him what he wanted. I put Liam to bed. I thought... I don't know, mommy. I just wanted to be loved. It was all okay and then... He got so mad at me. I don't even know why. I didn't do anything wrong. He was drunk..." Meredith trailed off as she sobbed heavily.

"Who, Meredith? Who did this to you?" Ellis pried as she held her grandson against her. She knew she couldn't do anything until she knew what happened to her daughter. "Who?"

"He was so drunk. I don't even know how. He had some wine. And then some bourbon. He was so mean. I saw it in his eyes. He was evil. He got mad and he hit me. He hit me so hard..." She sobbed as she laid there. "And then... And then he hit me again. I kicked him and I ran. He tired to get us, but Liam and I stayed in the bathroom. I had to save him. I had to save my son..."

"Who was it, Meredith? Tell me now!" Ellis said loudly as she grabbed her daughter's face.

"It was Craig... Craig Kovac." Meredith spat as she laid there, breaking down in front of her mother.

"The oncologist?" Ellis asked in shock. She knew the doctor. He was well respected. He was a quiet and kind man. Not the guy that would do something like this. Ellis watched as Meredith shook her head yes. "That son of a bitch! We have to call 911. You have to go to the hospital. We need to file a report..."

"No, Mommy... NO!" Meredith cried out loudly as her body shook. "We can't..."


	39. Help From Mom

Meredith looked at her mother in shock. The prospect of doing anything about Craig terrified her. It shook her to her core. All she could think about was Derek. She knew that they walked a very fine line. And she didn't want him to do anything drastic. The fact that she almost became a victim scared her to death. But the thought of losing her son to his father, because of it, that was much more unnerving than the possibility of being hurt by an iniquitous man.

"Mommy... I can't! I can't do anything. Let's just- We will forget this ever happened." Meredith suggested as she looked into her mom's light eyes. "Please." She begged as she looked at the older woman.

Ellis looked into her daughter's eyes. She knew Meredith well enough to know that she was a fighter. She couldn't understand why her daughter was on the floor. She was reduced to a pile of ash. She was a fraction of her former self. She was not acting like a Grey woman at the moment. Right now she was acting like a victim. And Ellis knew better. Her daughter was not a victim. And she wasn't going to be a victim any time soon.

"Meredith Grey! What has gotten into you? You are hurt! A man almost killed you. You could have been raped or murdered. I don't care who he is. I don't care what happened, you are calling the police and we are doing something about this." Ellis told her frankly.

Ellis had always felt guilty. She knew what was going on with Ray, and she never paid attention to it. She didn't care to defend her daughter. She was always too busy or too jealous to admit the truth. She had continually convinced herself that Meredith was bringing it upon herself. Years went by, and she started to realize the truth. And eventually it was too late. Meredith's husband ended up dead because of her stupidities. And she was not going to let anything like that go again.

"I can't mom! I can't. Derek is looking for a reason to take Liam from me. He wants my son. And he told me to stay away from Craig. I told him time and time again that nothing was going on. And it wasn't. But now... He will say I brought this on myself. He will say that I endangered Liam. And he is right. He is so right. So I can't fight this. I just can't." Meredith told her mom as she looked up. Tears were streaming in a mixture of physical and emotional pain.

"Meredith, Derek is... He is a good guy. He does not want to take Liam from you. He wants to be in Liam's life, but you will never be able to convince me that he wants to steal your son. What you did was a mistake. You didn't set off to have this happen. This is you trying to figure out life. But damn it, I wronged you as far as Ray is concerned and we are not going to let some jackass beat you and then do it to someone else. I cannot have that on my conscience along with John. No way. I am calling whether you like it or not!" She said as she picked up her cellphone and dialed.

"Yes... I need medical help and police assistance at..." Meredith heard Ellis say.

That was all she could take. She quickly burst into tears. She couldn't believe that she had made such a huge mistake. She felt like a failure as a mother, a wife and a person in general. She laid on the cold floor and sobbed. As her body shook, she felt a tiny hand rub her face. She looked up to see Liam looking at her with a sad look in his eyes. He didn't understand why his mom was crying. Liam's tiny hand ran over her tears as he cocked his head. He was his father in so many ways.

"They are on their way." Ellis said frankly as knelt down next to her crying daughter. She frowned as she looked at her amazing little grandson connecting with his mother in a way that she couldn't believe. "Oh, Liam..." She said as she brushed her hand over his head. "Mer.. Sit up. Let me take a look at your shoulder." Meredith sat up hesitantly and looked at her mom.

"Ow...Ow!" Meredith cried out as he mom outstretched her arm. "That is- Stop!" She screamed out in pain. Liam looked up and he and began crying. "It's okay, Leelee...Mama is okay. I promise." Meredith said as she looked at her crying boy. They both heard someone at the door and Ellis quickly rushed downstairs.

Meredith felt a knot in her stomach as she remained there. She knew the house was a wreck. She was sure that the kitchen was just the way she left it. She looked down at herself in shame. She felt like she brought it all on herself. She felt like she was to blame for every problem that came her way. It was breaking her heart that all she did was make mistake after mistake. She didn't want to damage Liam. She was damaged. She knew what that was, and she knew it all to well.

"Hello, Dr. Grey." An officer said as he walked in. Meredith looked up at the paramedics that followed behind him. She was praying that she had never seen any of them in the pit. But then again, it didn't matter. News like this traveled far and wide. "I'm officer Stanton, I'm going to have the medics look at you, to make sure you have no major injuries. And then I'm going to need for you to tell me exactly what went on here last night."

Meredith swallowed hard as they began their exam. This was ll too much. Way too much. She didn't want this. She wished she could go back and let Craig walk away. It was her own selfish need that had sabotaged everything. She felt the tears begin to sting her eyes as she looked up at the man. She didn't want to tell. She wanted to forget. She wanted to forget it ever happened. If she did that, then it wasn't real.

"Ah! Shit! Stop!" Meredith spat loudly. She didn't like cursing around her son, but then again, she didn't like severe pain shooting down her arm either.

"We're going to put your arm in a sling. You are going to need an x-ray to rule out a shoulder separation." The medic said as they checked her pressures. Meredith was relieved to see everything come back in order, even as upset as she was.

"So, Dr. Grey... What is the name of the man that allegedly did this to you?" He asked as he looked up. Meredith didn't like that. Not one bit. Allegedly.

"Allegedly? There is no allegedly. He did do it. Craig Kovac attacked me." Meredith said as she began to cry. She felt like she was being attacked. it was procedure, but she had no idea. And this process wasn't easy no matter how it was handled.

"Ma'am with all due respect, I have to say alleged until he is prosecuted in a court of law. That doesn't mean that I do not believe you. That is the process. I apologize." He told her with a smile. "So this Craig Kovac, would you like to explain how this happened?" He asked as he took note of her injuries.

"Craig and I were friends. Maybe a little more. I had him over for dinner. Everything was going well. He seemed a little bit irritated, but he was okay. He was getting testy with Liam. I decided to put Liam down for the night. He was tired, and I knew that Craig was annoyed. I knew what he wanted... I knew..." Meredith cried as she looked up.

Meredith sat on the side of her bathtub in tears. She knew a long time back that a good amount of what Craig wanted was sex. It made her feel like a filthy whore, but she was so lonely. No one else noticed her. Derek had all but told her how much she disgusted him. As much as Craig was with wrong man, he was a man. And the right one she had pushed so far and and so hard, she couldn't reach him if she tried.

"Come on, Meredith... You need to tell him." Ellis explained as she looked up. "You need to talk." Ellis said as she placed her hand on her back.

"He was okay... I mean in the past, he tried to push me. But he never hurt me. I was never afraid for my life... Liam didn't want to go down. I tried and tried. Finally he did. I went downstairs and started doing dishes and he snuck behind me. At first it was okay. And then he kissed me too rough. I pulled away, and he got mad. He called me a whore. I was so afraid..." She told him as she sobbed. She took in several breaths and attempted to go on. "I smacked him for saying that to me. He hit me, hard. So hard. Right in the face. He yelled and I yelled, he hit me again in the face and held me against the counter. When I tried to get away, he grabbed my arm and pulled my shoulder." She explained as she tried to touch it and winced.

"You say that Mr. Kovac has never shown these violent tendencies before?" He asked as he looked her in the eyes. Meredith shook her head no.

"He seemed to have some jealousy issues. But he never hit me before." She explained as the put her arm in a sling. "He was intoxicated."

"So you admit that he were the first one to make a blow?" The officer asked as he looked her square in the eye.

"I did hit first. But I slapped him. Not hard... Not that hard..." She said as she began to sob heavily.

Meredith went through the process like she had to. Recounting everything that happened only reinforced her original thoughts of self doubt and self hate. She didn't care about the pain she caused herself. It was what she did to Liam. She hated hurting Liam. And she knew that every single thing that she did for the rest of her life would affect him in one way or another.

They insisted on taking Meredith to the hospital in the ambulance. It was a chain of evidence matter, and at the moment, Meredith was evidence. Meredith frowned as they rode along. She felt like such a fool. She could see why women didn't report abuse. It felt too bad. It was too hard on them. She was just thankful that they weren't going to Seattle Grace. She was more than happy to be going to Mercy-West this time around.

"We need to get an MRI of that shoulder." Dr. Lawson said with a smile. "He was their orthopedic attending. She had heard of him, but he was nothing amazing so to speak of.

"It's my rotator cuff, isn't it?" Meredith asked, almost knowing just from her extensive work in the pit.

"I am pretty sure that is what it is, but I want an MRI." He said with a nod as he handed an intern her chart. "Get it done ASAP."

"Okay, Dr. Grey." The intern said with a smile, knowing who she was. "Let's get this done." He said as he wheeled her out of the exam room and down the hallway, leaving a screaming Liam with Ellis. Ellis worked as hard as she could to keep the boy calm as his mother went through tests.

"Was he okay?" Meredith asked as they wheeled her back in.

"He calmed down." Ellis explained as Liam made grabs for Meredith, who was unable to hold him. "Mama can't hold you right now. You mama is hurt."

"Hur..." Liam pouted as he looked up at her. He let out a loud sigh as dropped his head in disgust.

Meredith went through the protocol. They made her undress completely so that they could take photographs of all of her injuries. She didn't even know she had bruises to her back and hips until they pointed them out to her. Just one more battle wound. Just one more scar to carry along the way. Meredith was just thankful that they were treating her like a human, and not with kid gloves. She couldn't handle kid gloves at the moment.

"Meredith... I am so proud of you." Ellis told her with a smile as she walked up and grabbed her good hand. "I know this isn't easy, but it needs to be done." Ellis told her as she hugged her softly.

"I know, Mom. I know that. I just don't want to be a failure. I have failed at everything. I don't want to fail anymore." Meredith whimpered as she looked at her mom.

Ellis looked at her daughter in shock. She did this to her. All of this was her fault, and her fault only. She conditioned her to feel like a failure. As she had done it, she didn't care. She only thought about herself. She never even realized the damage that she was doing. It was now when she was seeing it. It was now that she was suffering. Her daughter was in pain.

"Oh god, Meredith! That is not true. That is not even close to true! What have you failed at? You have an amazing child right here. This boy is the most amazing kid in the world. And you are an wonderful doctor. You are not a failure honey, not at all." Ellis said with a smile as she looked into her daughter's green eyes.

"Ma..." Liam said softly as he looked at his mom. "Mamama..." He muttered as he stuck his hands out for her to pick him up.

"Oh, Leelee. I can't buddy. Mama is hurt. Mama has an owe-y." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at him and pointed to her arm.

"Hur..." Liam said with a frown as he looked at his mother's battered face. "Ma!" He shouted as he stuck his arms out again.

"Liam... You're okay." Meredith told him as she brushed his cheek. He quickly began flailing around in her arms. "Stop... Be nice to grandma. You are hurting grandma. You are kicking grandma and you are hurting her!" Meredith warned him as she looked into his eyes.

"Huuuhhh." Liam said loudly as he went limp in Ellis' arms. Meredith looked at him sadly. It wasn't his fault. He had no idea why his mom couldn't take care of him.

"Okay... Dr. Grey." Dr. Lawson said as he walked into the room. Meredith let out a sigh as she looked into his eyes. "Well... It looks like your rotator cuff has been torn." He told her with a frown. "It isn't great. It isn't horrible. I think we will put it in a sling and check it out in a few days or a week, depending on how it feels. I'm going to write you something for the pain." He explained as he looked at her.

"Okay." Meredith replied with a sigh, knowing what it entailed.

"It is doesn't start to heal correctly, we may have to look at other treatment options. And I don't think I need to tell you that you cannot be lifting things!" He told her with a nod. "Nothing. I want that arm to rest. Any minuet household chores will have to be let go."

"I understand." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up at him. She didn't want to hear that. She had no idea how she was going to take care of Liam. She frowned at the thought of telling Derek. She didn't want him to know. She didn't want him to find out. She knew he would eventually, but she wanted to delay it for as long as possible.

"They took the pictures already, right? For the report?" He asked as he looked over her chart and then up at her.

"They did." Meredith told him with a frown. She had been afraid to file the report, but she knew she had to.

"Good. Well, I will have an intern come in and put a different sling on that arm. And I will write up your paperwork. If you have any questions or problems, please call me." He told her with a big nod.

"I will." Meredith said with a nod as she grabbed the papers that he was handing her.

"Have a good day." He told Meredith and Ellis as he nodded and walked out of the room. Meredith looked at her mother and her son. Liam was now asleep with his head against Ellis. Meredith had to smile. Her boy had finally found some peace.

"Well... I guess I should get ready to go home." She told her as she grabbed her clothes off the chair and walked towards the bathroom.

Meredith struggled to pull her clothes on. It was almost impossible. She pulled off the sling and grabbed her jeans. She let out a silent yelp as she felt the pain take over her body. She fought as hard as she could to do it. She didn't want to ask her mom for help. She already had done too much. She had pushed for too much. Meredith pulled her top down and looked at the tears streaming down her face from the pain and frustration. She slowly wiped them and opened the door.

"Well, I guess I could call Izzie... Or Cristina." Meredith said with a frown as she looked at her mother. "They could stay. Maybe..."

"Bull." Ellis stated frankly as she laid Liam down on the bad. "I am staying. I will stay with you." Meredith looked at her mom in shock. She wondered. Was this a good thing? Or a bad thing?

**So Ellis and Meredith...Hmmm. And what about Derek? Will he ever know?**

**I have been busy with the new site, and life in general. I looks like I will be updating here like every other day. Yeah, life sucks. But do you know what improves life? Reviews! I'm sure of it.**


	40. Coexsist

Meredith sat in the passenger seat of her own Jeep. She was worried. She and her mother didn't have the best past. She was truly concerned about what was going to happen during their time together. She sighed as she looked back at her son. She was doing it for him. She was dealing with all this the best she could for her son. She would have to jump over any roadblocks that came her way no matter what.

"How is your arm, Meredith?" Ellis asked as they drove down the road. Meredith wasn't used to her mom caring about her.

"It's fine, mom. And seriously... You have to stop this." Meredith told her frankly. Ellis looked over at her in shock, wondering what she was talking about.

"Stop what?" Ellis asked as she looked at her daughter.

"Caring. I'm not used to it, and quite frankly, it is making me a little sick." Meredith admitted as she looked in the mirror at her face. She was shocked that Liam could even look at her without crying. She would have never imagined that she could look so black and blue.

"I know. And that is my fault. I'm truly sorry about that." Ellis said with a sad sigh. She had always been cold, but Richard having the heart attack and the birth of her grandson changed her perspective on on life. She now realized that life was a blessing and it went way too fast.

"I know you are, mom." Meredith said with a nod as she stared out the window. She watched as the buildings passed her by, a foreshadow of her life.

Meredith had no idea how she got to this place in her life. Her life was a mess. She knew that. But she couldn't trace the exact steps. It had gotten so blurry. Things had changed and switched. Lines had gotten blurry and blame had shifted. It felt like one day she was married and happy, and the next she has a restraining order against a man and was fearing for her life.

Meredith remained silent as Ellis pulled the Jeep into the garage. She looked over at John's Mercedes. She couldn't help but miss him. She missed him more than anyone would know and more than she would ever admit. John was a prime example of you never know what you had until it was gone. Derek had followed suit. Meredith was beginning to think that it was all just a terrible mistake and it would be in everyone's best interest if she just gave up the ship and lived alone for the rest of her life.

"Ma!" Liam screamed as Ellis tried to unbuckle him. He was only happy under Meredith's care. The boy had gotten far too attached to his mother.

"Leelee... You have to let grandma take you. Mama cannot take you." Meredith explained as she grabbed her purse with her free hand. "You are fine, big guy."

"You are okay, Liam Patrick." Ellis said as she grabbed him and his diaper bag.

Just as she slammed the door, she heard her cellphone ring. Ellis was quickly realizing just what Meredith went through everyday trying to juggle a baby and a career. She sighed as she rushed inside and sat her bot down in the porta crib. Liam began screaming at his new prison. Meredith watched as he crawled to the side and pulled himself to his feet.

"Hello?" Ellis asked quickly into the phone. Meredith had no idea who it was, but is sounded like it could be Richard. "I'm sorry... I know... Things got a little hectic. I had to take Meredith to the hospital." Ellis explained as she walked out the doors and onto the back deck.

Meredith frowned at that. She didn't want everyone to know that she had been so stupid. She was ashamed of herself for letting any of this happen. She slowly laid her body back on the sofa, thankful that she was home and on a decent dose of pain medication. She laid there and looked at the ceiling, wondering what she was going to do next.

"Mama...Ou...Ou..." Liam said loudly as he put his hands up. "Lee ou." He told her loudly.

"Liam... I cannot let you out. Mama cannot lift you. And then if I let you out, you will escape. And I can't get you. Liam has to stay there in the jail." She told him sadly as she looked into his blue eyes.

"Jail?" He asked loudly as he looked around. Meredith was in shock at how much her boy was growing up. He was speaking more clearly than ever.

"Yes... Mommy knows that is jail. Mommy feels so bad that you are in there. If I could save you, I would but grandma will be back, and I bet you she will take you out of the jail and maybe play with you!" Meredith said with a big smile. "Who is mama kidding... This is grandma we are talking about. Grandma Ellis." Meredith told him with a nod.

"Lee ou... Pay." He told her loudly. "Lee ou!" He screamed as he threw himself down and began screaming louder.

"Oh, Liam... " Meredith said as a tear slid down his cheek. She quickly walked over to the porta crib and stroked his face. Liam looked at her and took a bite at her hand. "Ouch! That was bad!" She said loudly as she stood and walked away from him. "Very bad, Liam. Bad!" She reiterated. As she walked away, she felt the the pain in her heart grow. She knew it was frustration, but it still hurt. Just as she crossed the great room, she heard the door bell ring. She quickly rushed to the door and opened it without pause. She stared in shock. Her green eyes met his blue. The blue that matched his son's.

"Oh my god..." Was all Derek could get out.

Derek looked at her in shock. He felt pain in his stomach. He felt it flip and flop. Derek Shepherd was not a weak man. He wasn't a man that got upset. He was stoic and strong. He was formidable. And this was enough to bring him to his knees. This was enough to take him down and knock him out. She was bruised. She was battered. She was broken. And he was ready to kill.

"Meredith... My god." Derek gasped as he looked at her face. His eyes travelled to her arm in the sling. He felt as if he was going to vomit. He choked the bile down as he stared at her. "What happened, baby?" He asked as the tears began to slide down his cheeks. He couldn't hold it.

"I'm okay, Derek..." Meredith said, trying to be strong. She wanted to be strong. She didn't want him to see her weak. She didn't want his pity.

Derek knew who it was. He knew it was Craig. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run over and kill the bastard that caused her pain. He knew it would do no good. He knew that she would just get upset if he pointed out the problems that were staring them both in the face. So instead of yelling, he did the only other thing he knew to do. He pulled her into a gentle embrace.

"Oh, baby... I am so sorry..." He whispered into her hair as he breathed her in. The tears wouldn't stop. When she was hurting, he was hurting. When her soul was damaged, he was feeling her pain. "I am so sorry. You should never have to feel pain."

"I'm okay..." She replied, trying to be strong. "I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm okay..." She whimpered as she began to sob. "I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm not okay!"

"Oh my god..." Derek cried as he held her close, being careful not to hurt her arm. It could have been an accident. She could have fallen. But he could see the bruised imprints of fingers across her face. Man's fingers. "You... Oh god..." He told her as she sobbed into his shoulder, laying her head on him. "I have you. No one can hurt you now. I have you, baby."

"I'm sorry... I failed. You were right. So right..." Meredith cried as she looked at the floor. She didn't see Ellis, who was watching her from afar. Ellis smiled. She knew this was what her daughter needed. He was what her daughter needed.

"No... This was not your fault." Derek said as he walked her over to the sofa and sat her down. "There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. Never." Derek repeated as he pulled her head against him.

"I have failed at everything. I hate myself. I hate myself..." She replied as she buried her head in his side.

Meredith was weak. She was letting herself go. She was letting herself fall into Derek. She wasn't ready, nut she didn't have a choice. She was in too much pain to think clearly. So she just remained. She allowed him to comfort her. He really was the only one that could. He was the one that she loved, and they both knew it. She needed him. Even if she wouldn't tell him that.

"I know you don't want to talk about it... But please tell me the police were called." Derek said after several moments of silence. Liam had been talking, but he was so focused on Meredith, he didn't even hear him.

"Mom made me." Meredith said softly. "I filed a report. I took the steps. I guess I had to..." She told him as she looked up.

"Damn right you had to!" Derek told her too exuberantly. "I'm sorry... I'm... You're okay. Your arm... What is wrong?"

"The rotator cuff us torn." Meredith explained as she looked over at it. She could feel the pain picking up, her pain medications were wearing off fast.

"Oh fuck... What did he do, Mer? What did that rotten bastard do?" He asked angrily. Now he was ready to kill. He knew what kind of force it took to tear a rotator cuff of a healthy young woman.

"I can't... I can't talk about it. Not yet." Meredith told him with a nod. She looked over at Liam, who was whimpering. "Oh, Leelee... Mama can't" She said as she looked over at him, standing there.

"Ma... Lee ou!" He said as he placed his hands up and stood there.

"Oh my god... He is standing." Derek said in shock as he looked so proudly at his boy.

"He is." Meredith agreed. She didn't want to point out that Liam had also taken steps when he wasn't around. She didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve it. "He really is..."

"Da! Lee ou! Lee pay." Liam said loudly as he began to whimper. "Lee ou!" He screamed loudly. "Ma hur... Ma hur... Lee ou!"

"Yes, mom is hurt." Derek said sadly as he walked over, He didn't like that his son knew that. He quickly pulled him out of the port-a-crib and walked back to the sofa.

"Da!" Liam said happily as he looked at his father. "Ma!" He told Meredith as Derek sat down with her.

They both looked at each other. Their eyes had a way of locking and not releasing. Meredith may have been bruised and broken. But at the moment, she was looking at the two most important people in her life. She may be bruised and broken, but at the moment, he heart was healthy. Her heart was healthy and full of love. Love for the loves of her life.

"Why are you here?" Meredith asked as she looked over at him. Meredith was waiting for him to say that the hospital gossip mill came running through. But she could tell by the look on his face that it had not been the case.

"I came by to see Liam. I had some free time. I wanted to see my son." Derek explained as he looked into Liam's eyes "And look at you. You are such a big guy. Are you taking care of mom?" Derek asked as he swallowed the lump down in his throat. He couldn't look over at her. It made him sick. It made him angry.

"Ma... " Liam said as he lifted his arms. He had been so used to Meredith coddling him. He had no idea what to do without her. She was his lifeline and he was feeling like he had been abandoned. "Ma... Lee."

"Mr. LP, mom is hurt. She really wants to hold you, but she can't. I'm sorry big guy. I am really sorry. But you have daddy. You love daddy, right? Daddy has his LP." Derek told him as he wiped his tears away with his thumb.

"Da..." Liam muttered as he looked at him with a laugh. "Lee pay..." He told him as he struggled to get away. Derek was shocked at the strength of his son.

"He wants to play." Meredith said with a smile. "It is safe to let him down. The gates are up." Meredith explained as she looked around. Meredith watched as Derek softly placed his son on the floor. Like a flash, Liam was off and crawling. She loved to watch him go. She just loved to watch him period.

"Wow he is fast!" Derek exclaimed as he watched him crawl away. Derek looked into his wife's sad eyes from the side. She wouldn't look at him in the eyes. She couldn't let him see what she had allowed to happen to her.

"He is really fast." Meredith agrees as she watched him crawl over the rug. He quickly stopped and looked up, seeing it was no fun without someone to chase him. He quickly crawled over towards his mom. Meredith and Derek watched as Liam crawled over to the table and pulled himself to his feet.

"Oh my god..." Derek watched as Liam took several steps towards him. "He is... Oh my god..." Derek said in shock. "He is so amazing, Mer... And that is because of you." Derek told her as he put his hands out incase his son started to fall.

"Derek..." Meredith said as she looked over at him and rolled her eyes. Liam put his hands up for his dad to pick him up. Meredith watched as Derek swiftly pulled Liam to his lap and held him on his leg.

"Dad...pay...Lee." Liam asked as he looked at him. Liam loved to play with his dad. It was their special time. It was something that he always did with him.

"In a second, buddy." Derek told him as he pulled his son's head against his chest and kissed it. "Lee looks tired." Derek pointed out as he rubbed his back. "Do you need to sleep? Do you need a rest?"

"Seep." Liam said with a smile as he looked at his dad. Derek rubbed his back and reassured him that he was there for him. Liam played with his dad's buttons on the shirt as he mumbled softly.

"Ma... Ba... Pay...Seep." Liam muttered as she closed his eyes. Meredith watched as her boy drifted off peacefully and snuggled against his dad. As she looked at them, she saw the oh-so-obvious similarities. They were carbon copies. And Liam was already learning his dad's charms.

"So you want him in the port-a-crib?" Derek asked as he looked over. "Or in his room?" He asked as he looked at the stairs.

"The port-a-crib is good. I like to watch him sleep." Meredith explained as she watched Derek walk him over. She loved how soft and gentle he was with his son.

"Who is taking care of you?" Derek asked with a worried expression. He knew that Meredith could not take care of Liam and herself. He was worried. He didn't want to have to worry about her or his son.

"Mom is taking care of me. Ellis. Not Lynn. I really only have one mom now." Meredith explained. Legally, she did not have Lynn as mother anymore. It made her sad, but she knew she had to be realistic. She looked up at Derek and frowned.

"First of all, my mom is your mom. And if she heard you say this, she's hurt you." He said with a chuckle. He looked at her bruised face and frowned. "I didn't- I didn't mean it that way." He said with a sad look on his face. "I just... She would be really upset. And secondly, you need someone to help you with Liam, and we know how you and your mom get along. So I am staying." Derek told her frankly.

"No... Derek. No you are not." Meredith said with a frown. "You can't stay here." Meredith told him sadly. "Derek... It's hard. Too hard."

"Two people can coexist in a house this size. And face it, Mer. You need me. Even if you don't want to." Derek told her as he stroked her cheek softly. "And I am taking care of you. Period." He told her with an authoritative tone. She looked at him sadly and dropped her head.

"Okay." Meredith agreed softly. "You can stay." She said as she pulled away. She wasn't ready. But she didn't have the fight in her. Not yet.


	41. A Real Talk

Ellis smiled as she looked at the family before her eyes. They were so perfect. Liam was content having both his mom and dad in his life. She knew that it made a difference with Meredith. She had always needed her father and not having him was a rough go at things. She missed out on all the father/daughter activities. Even if many kids in the world didn't have fathers, she still felt guilty that hers hadn't.

"Oh... Derek... I didn't know you were coming over." Ellis said as she walked into the great room. It was true. She didn't know that he was coming. But she did know that he had walked in the door, and she watched them interact for a great while.

"I came over to see Liam." Derek explained as he looked at his son who was sleeping peacefully in his crib.

"Oh... That is nice." Ellis said with a smile as he looked at her. "Meredith... I think you should rest for awhile, okay?" Ellis asked as she looked at her daughter. "Do you want me to take you to your bed?"

"I'm not tired." Meredith said with a yawn as she looked at her mother. She was exhausted, but she felt like if she went to bed she was going to miss something. Or worse yet, she would wake up on the bathroom floor.

"Oh yes... Not tired. That would be why you are yawning, correct?" She asked with a chuckle as she looked at her. Her chuckle was more authoritative. A little colder. It wasn't light and airy like Meredith's. "The doctor want you to rest. You need to rest. You need to heal now. For Liam. I know you didn't get any sleep last night. Go to your bed. You're safe now." Ellis whispered into her ear. Meredith looked at everyone and frowned. She was tired. Unbelievably tired.

"Fine. But if Liam needs me or something happens..." Meredith trailed off as she walked towards the stairs.

"I will let you know." Ellis told her with a smile as she watched her daughter disappear. She looked right over at Derek. She wanted him to know. It was all a mess, and she knew if anyone could fix it, it would be Derek.

"Why the hell didn't you call me?" Derek growled in anger. He knew he technically didn't have any right to know anything. But no matter what, there would always be a tie between the two of them. Sad or not, he would always have undying love for Meredith Grey. It would never go away, and he didn't want it to.

"Derek... It happened last night. I found her this morning." Ellis explained, attempting to defend her actions. She didn't have to, but she felt she needed to.

"What do you mean, you found her?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at Ellis. His first thought was that she had been beaten to a pulp and left there. He looked at Ellis' gray eyes and frowned.

"I came by this morning to see Liam. There was no one around. The front door was partially open. I thought something was up and I looked around the house. I have to admit I was worried. I thought there was a burglary. I looked around the house frantically, and couldn't find either of them. I thought they had been abducted. I rushed in the room and I saw the master bath was shut. I pounded on it and finally she opened the door." Ellis said as she turned away. She didn't want him to see her. She was visibly upset by the morning's events and she couldn't bear the thought of losing her daughter to something stupid.

"Why was she in the bathroom?" Derek asked with concern. He wasn't getting the full grasp of the situation. He understood what had happened, or at least what he had pieced together.

"He attacked her. Craig Kovac, attacked her. I don't the full extent. But he got mad and hit her several times. When she tried to get away, he pulled her arm so hard, he tore her rotator cuff. Her first instinct was to save Liam. She didn't want you to think she was a bad mother. She didn't want to tell you. She loves that boy and the thought of losing him is too much to bear. She saved him. She saved him and they laid in the bathroom until he left. He tried to take the door down but she had it jammed. It was horrible, Derek. Horrible. He could have killed her. He wanted to hurt her. She didn't deserve this..." Ellis said with a frown as she looked at him.

"I'm going to kill that fucker. I swear, I am going to snap him like a twig. She is tiny... She is...And he hurt her. He hurt her so bad. He didn't have to hurt her..." Derek trailed off as he began to cry. Ellis wanted to cry too. She wanted to sob for her daughter. She let several tears fall as she looked at a strong man collapsing in front of her.

Derek couldn't control himself. He had a mixture of anger and hurt inside of him that was explosive. He wanted to kill Craig. He wanted him to feel what she felt, but with a bit more pain for good measure. Meredith was weak in comparison to the man. She was underweight and not in great health. Her body had been wearing stress for too long. And Craig hurt her in the worse way. He hurt her physically and mentally. Derek knew he was trouble and he wished he had prevented this. It made him sick to imagine his wife running for her life with his by in her arms. She carried him when she was in severe pain.

"I knew he was fucking trouble. I'm going to kill him." Derek shouted as he felt the anger in the pit of his stomach rise to a new temperature.

"It's not worth it. I convinced her to press charges and to get a protection order against him. She needs you, Derek. She needs you here. Not in jail." Ellis told him with a nod. Derek drew in a deep breath and nodded. For Meredith and Liam's sake he couldn't go there. Just as he went to speak, he heard her. He heard his wife scream.

"Oh god..." Ellis said quickly as she looked up towards the upstairs.

"Oh no..." Derek gasped as he looked at Ellis. They both had look of shock and concern present.

A million thoughts were racing through both of their heads. All Ellis could think was that Craig had been up in her room. She imagined him killing her daughter for the trouble that she was causing to his life and to his career. Her stomach flipped and flopped as she ran behind Derek and up the wooden staircase. She could see the blood of her daughter running down the floor. The thought made her sick, but it was there, and it felt so real.

Derek thought about the possibilities. He didn't know Craig. Not as well as he could have. But he did know that the man seemed way too possessive. Derek's thoughts returned to when Craig called her over and over again when they were at the zoo. Or how he seemed so conniving when it came to the truths of he and Meredith's relationship. Derek wondered just how long it had been since Craig set out for his wife.

Derek rushed in the room and looked in shock. She was throwing herself around in their bed. She was terrified. She was in a state of sleep that looked far worse than any state of awareness. She was screaming and tossing herself, fear apparent in her voice as she fought off her imaginary attacker. The imaginary attacker probably wasn't so imaginary. He was probably a very real guy who just wasn't in the room at the moment.

Derek was relieved that she was alone. It eased the thoughts of Craig standing in the corner, holding a knife to her throat. It stopped him from deciding between flight or fight, fight always being the propitious choice when your wife's life is on the line. It made him sick to see her in such and unconscious state of distress as she felt as if she were dying a second death, the first one being the night before. Derek looked over at Ellis and sighed.

"I have her." Derek told her frankly. "I have her here. And I'm- I'm not leaving. Not today, not tonight. No time soon." Derek explained as he looked over at Meredith, who was calming down slightly, but still in distress. "I have her..."

"Okay." Ellis agreed as she stepped out of the room and shut the door.

Ellis decided that she would let him take care of her daughter. She knew that he was the only one that could do it. Meredith needed someone who cared about her more than anything and that someone was Derek. She just needed to get back to her original thoughts and they both needed to try to fix the mess that they had allowed themselves to crawl into.

Derek walked over to the bed. It seemed so familiar, and yet foreign. The one thing that did make him feel better, was knowing that Craig had never slept in his bed. This was their bed. His bed. They had been making love in it for a long time. The last time they did, whenever thought it would be the last time. you never know. You never sit and think, I better enjoy this, it may be my last. or at least you rarely think that way. And Derek just assumed he would be coming home to this house. This room. This bed. For all eternity. And when he realized that he would not, it was one abrupt wake-up call.

"I have you, Mer." Derek whispered as he lowered himself into their bed. He felt her relax slightly at his touch. "I have you, baby... You care safe now. I won't let him hurt you. I promise, I have you and he can;t get you." Derek told her as he snugged his head against hers.

He had missed the light scent of lavender that wafted around her body. It was light. It wasn't overpowering. It was just enough to make him at ease. And it wasn't the too sweet lavender. It smelled real. It smelled so natural and fresh. He breathed her in, longing for the day when he would mell that waft around her body as she walked by. As she walked by, being once again his and his only.

"Oh, Mer... This isn't fair. This really isn't fair. You didn't deserve this, baby. No way." Derek told her softly in her hear. He wasn't sure if she was awake or asleep, but he felt the need to talk to her.

"Oh, Derek..." Meredith whimpered as she opened her eyes for a second. They met and did not leave as she stared into the brilliant blue eyes that had enthralled her heart so many times. He was like staring into the ocean on a clear sunny day.

Meredith thought she was dreaming as she looked up. Derek couldn't be there. He couldn't actually be in her bed, comforting her like he had so many times. She wondered if he knew just how much se needed this. She would never admit it to him, but she did need him. He was her Derek. Her husband. Her lover. Her protector. Her everything.

"It's okay, mer... It is okay. You did nothing to deserve this. Not a thing. And saving Liam... You were so brave. you are an excellent mother." Derek told her as he ran his fingers though her clean soft hair. "I have you... And I am not going anywhere."

If Meredith didn't need it so badly, she would have fought. At the moment, she didn't have the energy to fight. At the moment, she was broken down. At the moment, her body and soul needed a major rest. So instead of taking Instead of acknowledging that he was there for her when she needed him to be. She just laid. In his arms she laid. And she slept better than she had in a long time.

--

Meredith slept peacefully in Derek's arms. She knew he was there, but at the same time, she did not. She was just at ease. She was at peace with herself and with everything. The thoughts of Craig were far from her mind as she smelled Derek's familiar scent filling her nostrils. She loved that man. Whether she would tell him that or not, he was and would be her only one for the rest of her life.

Meredith stirred awake softly and sat up, looking over at Derek. He was sound asleep in her bed. She looked at him and smiled. He looked so peaceful. He looked like he always had. He looked like her husband. He looked like the love of her life. He looked like that was the only place he was ever meant to be. And it broke her heart. He couldn't stay there.

Meredith crawled out of the bed softly. She knew he was a light sleeper and she didn't want to wake him him. She just wanted a minute to be by herself and absorb the thoughts in her head. She needed to think about everything that had happened. She needed some time away from everyone. She needed to think about how close she was, and to realize that she was okay. She needed to be okay, despite what Craig had done to her.

Meredith walked into Liam's nursery, finding him fast asleep with his butt up in the air. He looked content. In the back of her head, she wondered if it was because his mom and dad were under the same roof. She chose to believe not. If it were true, than it meant that she had made a huge mistake by making Derek leave the house. Technically, she didn't make him. She actually encouraged him to stay. But she had been the driving force behind the process.

Meredith sat on her porch and looked out into the dark. She liked to sit in the back with the lights off. He thought always was that if she was lit up, she could be seen. But if she kept the lights off, she could see out. The faint moonlight shown on the leaves as the breeze blew through. She pulled her knees up to her chest and sipped her glass of wine. It wasn't a tequila time, but she did need something to calm her nerves.

The last thought on Meredith's mind was that Craig would show up at the house. All she could do was think about Derek. She heard the rustling of leaves in the woods. She figured it was a possum or some nocturnal animal out making their nightly rounds. She knew Craig well enough to know that he was too clean. He wasn't the type of guy to come walking out of the woods. Then again, he wasn't the type of guy to beat a woman to a pulp either.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he walked out onto the deck. He missed sitting out there. He missed his house. Often times when he was sitting on the balcony of his apartment, he would think about the property. He never thought about it as it is, more as it was. Before the house was built. Back when he was in that tiny trailer living the simple life. Some of the trees were gone to make room for the house, but he remembered everything as it once was. Before life took over and ran him flat.

"Hey..." Meredith said in response as she took a sip of her wine. Derek smiled as he looked at her. She wasn't drinking tequila and that meant a lot to him. "You were asleep. Did I wake you?"

"You didn't wake me. But you not being there, that woke me up." He told her with a smile as he reached for her glass. Meredith handed it to him and watched as he swirled it around counter-clockwise, and took a sniff. He smelled hints of red cherry and oak. He smiled as he took a sip. "Nice merlot." He told her happily as he handed it back to her.

"Hyde & De Villaine" Meredith said with a nod as she swirled the glass, holding it at the stem. She took in a breath and took the last sip. Derek watched as she placed the glass on the wrought iron table next to her.

"Would you like another glass?" Derek asked as he placed his hand out. He knew she needed it and she had good reason to need it.

"That would be great." Meredith admitted as she handed him the glass and smiled. Derek grabbed the glass from her hand and walked into the house.

Meredith wasn't sure how to act or what to do. She felt so foreign next to the man that she had always been so close to. Everything had always been about Derek. He was the one that she could tell all of her secrets to. She shared so much with him. Her heart, her soul, her body. And now she felt like she couldn't say anything. She felt like everything had changed.

"Here you go." Derek told her as he handed her a glass. She watched as he sat down with his own and looked out at the darkness. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"Not really." Meredith admitted as she sat back, pulling herself tight to keep warm.

"Will you ever... Feel like you can talk to me again?" Derek asked frankly as he looked at her profile in the moonlight.

"Derek..." She whispered softly as she looked over at him.

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat...We must find each other." Derek told her softly. "Mother Teresa said that." Derek told her with a smile. "Let your tears come, Mer. Let them water your soul and allow yourself to grow again."

Meredith didn't respond as she looked out into the darkness. She didn't know what to say. Derek hit the nail on the head. He was right. They needed to get back. They needed to try to make it work. Meredith was so afraid. She was terrified that if she got it back, she would lose it again. And she couldn't lose it again. Next time she would die.


	42. If

Meredith turned away. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't take the chance that he would see her pain. She was full of pain. She wore pain like a heavy coat in the suffer. She suffered in silence with it. Everyone could see it, but no one said a word. Everyone chose to ignore it, and that was exactly what she wanted. But she knew that not only did Derek see it, he chose to not ignore it.

Meredith's shoulders began to shake as she let her tears fall. Derek was right. She needed to let them fall. She had been holding them inside of her like a toxin. She was poisoning herself with her own pain. She was killing herself slowly. She was never even going to realize until it was too late. She tried to hold it together but it was hard. And she had a wonderful man by her side. All she had to do was let him in.

"It's okay, Mer..." Derek told her softly as he wrapped his arms around her. "You are okay." He reminded her as he breathed in her soft scent. It was the scent that he was sure would always fill his nostrils for the rest of his living days. The thought that it may not made him sick. That thought was unbearable and he couldn't let that happen.

"Oh god, Derek..." Meredith cried as she felt him against her. His body against hers only made it ten times harder. It killed her to feel him against her, with the unknown looming over her.

"Tell me, baby... Just... Tell me." Derek told her softly as he breathed into her hair. "Please open up to me. Just let it go." Derek told her as he laid against her head, wrapping her body with his.

"I can't." She gasped as she pulled away from him. "I cannot be hurt again. I won't make it this time." She told him as she pulled herself from her chair.

Derek looked at her with a frown on his face. He just wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to make her happy. And she was pulling away. He would get short bouts of her opening up and accepting him, and then she would pull away in the worst way possible. It hurt him to see her hurting. He just wanted her. He wanted back everything that he had let slip through his hands. He quickly followed her in the house.

"Meredith..." Derek told her softly as he looked into her eyes. She looked back at him with a clenched jaw. She wasn't mad. She was defensive.

"What, Derek?" She asked as she looked into his deep blue eyes. They were eyes that haunted her. They drew her in when she saw them. And when he wasn't there, they were always in her mind. And her son carried them proudly. "I can't be hurt. You can't do this to me! I can't just forget the pain I felt, okay? You can't walk in here and say it it fine, and that means it is." She told him as she cocked her head and looked at him.

"You are right. You are one-hundred percent right." Derek told her with a nod and a smile. "And I don't expect them to be. Actually, I expect the opposite. I expect work. I expect a fight. But I want to fight, Mer." Derek told her with a nod as he brushed her cheek with his hand.

Meredith looked down at his hand. It felt so warm and perfect. It was the ultimate comfort in a cold world. In the past months, Meredith had learned what a cold world was about. She was learning what it was to be alone with no one. Even if she had Liam, she was still alone. Alone to care for him and love him. With one one to return it to her.

"Derek..." She breathed as she drew in a breath. "I..."

"It's okay. You're scared. You are unsure. And that- That is fine. No one can blame you for that. I hurt you bad. I left you. I abandoned you. And you- You ned some time. But I am here, Mer. I am not leaving. The house or your life. So you take your time..." He told her with a smile as he kissed her on the forehead and walked away.

Meredith watched the man walk away. Her heart swelled. She loved him so much it consumed her every thought. Her nerves fired wildly at a touch from him. He was everything. And it seemed that her everything was willing to try and make their relationship work. As Meredith stood there, she thought about the dream that was supposed to be them. They built the big house to raise a family. Their lives had been mapped out until everything went down hill. She still dreamt of the days when Liam would play out in the yard with his brothers and sisters. She still held onto the dream that she had thought up so long ago. She was supposed to be a grandmother. She and Derek were supposed to die in their rocking chairs at the exact same moment so as they were never apart. She wanted that back. She really did.

Meredith walked up the stairs, checking on her son. She always liked to make sure he was okay. He was sleeping peacefully, his hands under his head, sprawled out like his dad. She fought the urge to scoop him up and take him to bed with her. She gave him a soft kiss and began her walk down the hallway. She looked into the guest room, seeing Derek pulling his bedding back. She gave him a soft smile before she continued on her way. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope fir them.

As she laid her head down on her cold pillow and stretched across her cold and lonely bed, she drifted off to sleep. The thoughts of the future flowed in and out freely. Maybe she could get it back. She wanted to, she was just afraid. She wondered if she really could trust the man that she had trusted her life with. Maybe there was a such thing as second chances.

--

Meredith awoke to the distinct smell of bacon. She knew that scent all too well. She loved bacon. She had since she was a small child. She remembered her dad making it for her. It was one of the few memories she had of the man. She would sit on a stoll as he cooked. Meredith quickly erased the memory. It was too painful. She knew it was Derek cooking. And she also knew that Derek didn't eat bacon. That bacon was all for her. Except the bacon came with a price tag. In her mind, it was pity bacon. He was pitying her. And she wasn't sure she wanted it.

Meredith slowly climbed out of the bed. Her whole body was hurting. He shoulder was killing her, and she soon remembered she hadn't taken her dose of pain relievers the night before. She walked into the bathroom, realizing that she couldn't take a shower by herself. She couldn't do anything. The minute she took the sling off, she felt like she was dying. She looked at herself in her dirty pajamas and frowned.

Meredith smiled as she walked down the stairs. She heard Derek and Liam making conversation. It was more Derek talking and Liam mumbling nonsense, but apparently Liam really thought he was making a difference in the world. Derek went on talking to him as if he was making sense, even when he so clearly was not.

"Da... Ma... Ba... Ma hur...Da. Ma hur." Liam said as he looked up at his dad. It broke Meredith's heart. The fact that her being hurt was sticking in his head. She knew this was a bad thing. It hurt her that he was traumatized by the whole thing. It only added to the guilt immensely.

"Liam... Your mommy is okay. Do you understand? Okay..." Derek explained as he bent down in front of the boy. "Mom is okay. Her arm will get better and she will be better than ever!" He told Liam exuberantly. "Mom is okay!"

"Ma kay!" Liam giggle loudly as he looked at his dad. "Ma kay, da kay!" He said as he pounded on the tray of his high chair.

"Well, I don't know about that. Da wants everything to be okay... But ma... She needs to come around. And that is okay." Derek told his son as he looked at him. "I have faith and faith is all you can have. Dad has faith."

"Da fay..." Liam said with a smile. Derek loved that his son was always listening. He seemed to pick up everything that was said to and around him. Derek was starting to see just how much his son really was a little human being. "Ma?" Liam said loudly as he looked. Meredith was in shock that her son seemed to pick up on her presence.

"Morning... Good morning my little Leelee man!" Meredith said with a big smile as she walked over to him. "Are you helping dad with breakfast? Are you?" Meredith asked as she rubbed his head. "Give mom a kiss." She said as she put her lips against his. She felt him move his mouth sloppily. "Did you have dad a good morning kiss?" She asked as she motioned for Derek to come over. "Give dad a kiss!"

Derek felt his heart soar as his son kissed his cheek so softly. It felt perfect. He had never felt anything so amazing in his life. A grin a mile wide crossed his face as he looked at Meredith. Meredith was happy to see such a little thing mean so much to Derek. It was a testament of what love a father and son had. And also to what Derek was missing out on because he was away. It broke her heart, but at the moment, it was all okay.

"Wow... He is.. How long has he been doing that?" Derek asked with shock that soon turned into a bit of sadness and regret. He was missing things. Big things.

"Not long... Not long at all." She lied as she rubbed Liam's dark hair with her good hand. "Did dad feed you? Yes? No?"

"Noooo." Lima said loudly as he looked up at her. "Mom will feed you. What do you want?" She asked with a smile as she looked around. She looked through the cupboards fro something.

"I was actually going to make you some eggs. He could have some of those." Derek explained. "And maybe some of this warm cereal?" He asked as he pulled out the box.

"So you want warm cereal and eggs, Leelee?" She asked with a smile as she looked into his eyes. Liam quickly began banging the spoon on the tray and ignoring her.

"Lee pay!" Liam said as he threw his hands up and motioned to be let out. "Lee pay!" He screamed loudly.

"Liam... You need to eat breakfast. Maybe after you eat, Erin will play with you. She should be here in while." Meredith told him with a nod. Liam scowled at her as he looked around fro Erin. Meredith poured the cereal in a bowl with hot water.

"Actually... I am here for the day." Derek told her with a smile as he cracked the eggs in the bowl and started whisking. Meredith looked at him with a frown. She didn't like him doing this. Especially when she knew it wouldn't last.

"You didn't call her, did you? She needs the money. And you will probably get called into the hospital. You just need to be here until she gets here." Meredith explained as she grabbed the warm cereal and walked over to Liam.

"No, Mer... I called her. And I told you, I am here. And I am. I am here. Not going anywhere." He told her with a nod and a smile. He poured the eggs into the pan and began stirring.

"Okay... That is until you get called away and leave me here alone with him. Then what will I do?" Meredith asked with a frown. "Then I will have a screaming baby, who's diaper I can't even change." She growled as she looked at Liam then Derek.

"It won't happen... I am here with you for the day. Okay?" He asked as he looked up at her. Meredith have him a quizzical look.

"What makes you so sure?" She asked with a sarcastic giggle. "For god sake's... You work for a hospital."

Derek looked at her. He wanted to tell her, and yet he felt he shouldn't. He didn't feel right about it. He wanted her to accept him. Not accept him because he did something so drastic. At the same time, he wanted her to realize the sacrifices that he had made. He wanted her to know that he really was trying and it wasn't all deception to get her back. He looked at her and sighed. He would just tell her. He needed to.

"Well, I do work for the hospital." Derek said with a nod. He drew in a deep breath. He needed to just get it out in the open. She needed to hear it from him. And had she been to work, she would have heard it already. "But my job title has changed slightly." Derek told her with a nod.

"Oh?" Meredith asked as she looked at him. She was assuming they changed the name of chief of surgery. Either that, or he was now chief of staff. "And what would you be now?"

"Well, I am now the Neurosurgery head." Derek told her with a nod and a smile as he looked at her. Meredith had a look of shock on her face. He could tell she didn't know what to make of it. She looked confused and nervous.

"You... You took your old job back?" She asked in shock as she looked into his deep blue eyes. She couldn't believe that he took his job back. Now she was wondering why he had.

"I did..." Derek told her with a smile. "I needed to. And the board was more than willing to find a replacement for me. I was never made for that job. I am in this to cut. I'm not there to push papers. I missed the operating room too much. And my family... They are the ones that I really missed." Derek told her with a nod and smile.

Meredith sat there in shock. She didn't know what to make of it. Derek made a huge effort. He really was trying for them. Or at least it appeared that he was. She wanted it. All the dreams and fantasies she was having. All of the things that she had always assumed would happen, she wanted them all back. And she was excited. All she could think about was how close she was to having her family back. She needed her family back.

"Are you serious?" She asked as she stopped feeding Liam and looked at him. "You really let your dream go?" She asked as she looked at him.

"Ma!" Liam shouted as he threw his hands up. "Lee! Lee!" He shouted as he grabbed at the spoon.

"I'm sorry, buddy. Here. Mommy is... Wow, Derek. You gave up your dream." She repeated. She was still in shock. He gave up the one thing he wanted more than anything.

"Eh... It was my dream. That was my lifelong dream. But it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't my dream. It didn't take me long to realize that all I did was push papers. It didn't take me long, but it did take me too long. I am so sorry, Mer. I am sorry to you, and I am sorry to Liam. Neither of you deserved this. You deserved someone better. I was a jerk." Derek told her as he stroked her cheek and looked into her eyes.

Meredith felt her heart melt as she looked at him. He was her Derek. He was that guy that she fell madly in love with. He was her everything. All the months of pain and torture and he was back. And that was what made her realize. He did hurt her. He hurt her really bad. He couldn't just walk back in like everything was okay. He needed to prove to her that things had really changed and not that he decided that today he would be a good husband and father. Actions speak louder than words and Derek needed to show her that.

"Jer!" Liam said loudly, mimicking his father's words. Meredith and Derek looked at each other with wide eyes.

"What do we do?" Derek asked as he looked at her. They hadn't gone through this. They weren't sure how to react. He could have said worse, but they didn't want him walking around saying jerk.

"I say... Ignore it. If we laugh or yell, it gets him attention. Ignore." Meredith said with a nod as she looked at him.

"I think you are right." Derek agreed. "We don't want him to think it is a big deal either way." He told her with a nod as he looked into her eyes. He knew at that moment that no matter what he would always love her. She was an excellent wife and mother. It was he who had failed. He was absent for far too long.

"Derek... I appreciate this... You doing this. Changing your job. But that doesn't mean we are fine. It doesn't mean you get a free ticket to ride back into our lives. We suffered for a long time. A very long time. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of you hurting me. So... Yes, It's great. And the effort, I know you care. That was never and issue. But you can't just walk in like everything is fine." She told him with a nod.

"So what are you saying?" Derek asked as he looked at her. He wanted a straightforward answer from her.

"It means... If this is going to work, we have a lot ahead of us." She told him as she spooned cereal into Liam's mouth. "If."


	43. Help

Derek was hopeful at Meredith's if. They didn't go into details. They didn't talk about what the terms were of their unspoken agreement. There was a big question mark about what they were going to do or how they would play this. He was willing to do any and everything he had to to prove that he was in this for the long haul. He knew he had to because he had let her down before, and that was not easily forgotten.

Derek looked at Meredith as she sat on the sofa. She was dirty. Oily. Greasy. She looked like she needed a shower but he didn't want to hurt her feelings He had noticed that she hasn't taken a shower or changed her clothes in longer than he cared to think about. He was thinking that she couldn't on her own and needed his help. And he knew she wouldn't ask for help.

"Hey..." Derek said softly as he looked up at her. She looked over at him with a faint smile. He was definitely going to feel bad for this one.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked into his blue eyes. "What? Do you need something?"

"No... It's just... Eh. Never mind. It's no big deal." Derek told her with a frown. He couldn't break her heart and tell her that she was starting to smell and needed a bath badly.

"Derek, just spit it out! God... You know I hate that!" Meredith growled as she looked up. "Just- Whatever it is, just say it, okay?" She asked as she looked at him.

"Fine... You stink, Mer. And I'm not trying to be mean, but I think even Liam is noticing and he walks around stinking all of the time." Derek said as she looked up at her. He waited for her to start yelling or at least snap at him.

Meredith looked at Derek in shock. Her first thought was to yell at him. But she couldn't. She looked at his blue eyes and knew he was just trying to be nice. She knew she was smelling. Her arm hurt too bad to undress herself. The doctor was using a wait and see approach and it wasn't helping her any. She didn't want to ask Derek for help. Not with that.

"You jerk!" Meredith laughed as she threw a pillow at him. Derek looked at her in shock. She was laughing, not yelling. "I know I smell like ass. I tried to get Cristina to come over, and her phone went to voicemail. She never called me back. I guess you were always right. My friends really are assholes." Meredith pointed out sadly.

"Oh, Mer... They are not assholes. And for the record, I never said that. Not like that." He pointed out with a nod. "Do I think they could be here for you more often? Yes, yes I do. But they are busy too. With you gone, I'm sure they are getting run into the ground. There is no saying what the new chief is doing to them." Derek pointed out with a smile.

"Well, I have been gone for awhile. You would think they would stop by or call." Meredith told him with a frown. "After a few days, I would think someone would care enough to see what is going on."

"Mer... Like I said, they are busy. And they don't know. I'm sure that no one knows what he did to you. And that is for the best." Derek explained as he looked over. "Now come on." He said as he stood up and motioned for her to climb to her feet.

"What?" Meredith asked as she looked at him. She was wondering what he was up to. "What do you want?"

"Your stinky ass needs a bath. And I am going to help you get one." He said as he grabbed her good arm and led her along. He felt drag, she wasn't coming with him.

"No. No way! You aren't seeing me naked." Meredith told him as she ripped her arm away. Derek looked at her and began laughing. "What?"

"Seriously, Mer..." Derek said in disgust. "I have seen it all. And I mean all. For god's sake, how do you think we had a son. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see it. I know every inch of that body of yours." Derek told her with a nod. "All I have to do is close my eyes. Come on... Quit being shy."

"Derek." Meredith grumbled as she furrowed her brow. She didn't want him to see her. The last time he saw her naked, he made her feel possible. He made her feel inadequate and unloved. The thought of peeling her clothes off before him made her stomach knot up. She didn't want him to judge her. She couldn't bear the thought of him looking at her and seeing the bruises that now adorned her body. She was ashamed. Ashamed of herself and what she allowed to happen. "No..."

"Meredith... All I am doing is helping you. That's all." Derek told her with a smile as he grabbed her hand. "Come on... It doesn't have to be weird. But for god's sake... You need to wash!" He laughed as he looked at her.

"You are so mean." She said as she looked into his eyes. "Actually... I think maybe I can do it myself. I'm sure I can." Meredith told him with a big nod.

"Oh Mer... You are a difficult woman." Derek told her as he walked her up the stairs. "Come on... Let's get you a bath." Derek told her as he led the way to their bathroom. Meredith rolled her eyes as she followed. It was just a shower. That was it.

Meredith wasn't happy that Derek was helping her with her shower. For a normal person, it would be nothing. Normal people could take shower with no problems. But for them, it was bad. For them it was like that ineluctable sponge bath. They had rarely gotten in the shower without it leading to something. But this time was different, she told herself. This time, she was showering alone, and he was just there if she needed him.

"Okay..." Meredith said as she walked into their master bath and flipped on the shower water. She watched as the steam poured out and filled the room. It looked so inviting, and all she could think about was coming out clean and fresh. "I've got this." Meredith said as she went to take her clothes off.

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he watched her stand there. She was obviously contemplating what she was going to do next. He could tell she couldn't handle it, but was planning on trying.

"I mean... Turn around and look the other way." Meredith said as she pointed with her good arm. Meredith pulled off her sling and immediately felt pain rip through her shoulder. "Oh..." She groaned as she let it hang loosely. "Oh damn." She muttered as she tried to take off her shirt.

"What is going on?" Derek asked as he started to spin around. He knew she would never be able to handle it, but he was willing to humor her. "Do you need help?"

"Turn around!" Meredith snapped as she looked at him. She raised her foot an gave him a shove.

"Oh, I see... You have adapted!" He laughed as he felt her foot on his ass. "Seriously, Mer... I have seen everything. This is nothing. Not to mention, I am a doctor. I have seen every body you could imagine. You are fine. Now damn-it, just let me help." Derek told her loudly as he spun around.

"I don't need you." Meredith said frankly as she furrowed her brow. She didn't want to feel this way. She didn't want him to see the bruises. She didn't want him to see her and quite possibly be turned on, although she was sure that was over for a lifetime. "Just... Close your eyes, and just pull." She told him quickly.

"No... I am not closing my eyes and just pulling!" Derek told her as he gently pulled her shirt over her head, being careful not to pull her arm. "I'm not risking hurting you." He told her as he pulled down her pants. "Oh damn... Mer..." Derek whispered.

He looked at her body. Deep purple bruises covered her body. She looked like Craig just let loose and beat her. Derek struggled to hold his emotions in as he looked. He swallowed hard. He wanted to kill Craig. Seeing her like this, there was not a doubt in his mind that it was a violent attack on her body. Derek could see the man's hand prints on her arms and hips.

"Fuck... How could he?" He muttered under his breath as he pulled off her panties and bra. It had transferred from a semi-sexual experience to something else. He was in too much pain seeing her body, to notice anything else.

"Just... I'm okay." Meredith said as she pulled away. Derek stood there and watched as she opened the door and walked into the shower, shutting it behind her. "Just sit over there and look that way."

Meredith felt sick. She knew that was the reaction he was going to have. That was exactly what she had been trying to avoid. She didn't want him to see her looking weak and battered. She moaned as the hot water poured over her body. She tried to let her worries and shame wash down the drain. She tried to ignore the mental and physical pains.

Meredith struggled to wash her body. She was doing okay, but she was struggling to both sides well. She could only reach so far with her good arm. She finally sighed, figuring if she got the good parts, that was good enough. She didn't pay attention to Derek, who was watching her with misty eyes. He could see the bruising through the foggy glass. It took all he had to not run over and kill Craig with his bare hands.

Derek finally got tired of watching her struggle. He couldn't watch her in pain. He slowly pulled himself to his feet and dropped his own pants, and pulled off his shirt. He knew she was going to be mad, but he was just helping her. It wasn't sexual, he told himself, this was just him helping her. He quietly opened the door and stepped inside with her. He couldn't help but touch her. She was his, forever and always.

"What the hell?" Meredith snapped as she spun around and looked at him. She felt her heart stop as she looked at his perfect nude body. It was a body she knew all to well. It was a body that she had missed. "Derek! What are you doing here?" She asked as she pulled away.

"Relax. I am just helping you." He told her with a nod and a smile as he grabbed the bath poof and filled it with body wash. "Just help." He muttered as she rubbed the poof over her bad shoulder as gently as he could. His eyes never left hers, they were stuck like a magnet. Derek ran the poof over her cleavage. A small smile covered his face. Liam had done amazing things to her breasts. Even though she wasn't nursing anymore, they were still full and perfect. "Turn around." He whispered as he looked at her.

Meredith dropped her head and felt him wash her back so gently. It felt perfect as she ran along her whole body. She felt loved and connected. It was something that she hadn't felt in so long. It was something that she had been craving for so long. Derek laid against her as the soap bubbles meshed between them and ran slowly down the drain. Meredith let out a sigh as every possible inch of Derek pressed against her. It was soft skin again hard body as they connected.

Meredith leaned back as Derek rubbed her chest with the poof. He was reaching around, his hard chest against her back. Derek couldn't take it. He felt himself rising at their touch. He felt his cock beg for a take of her sweetness. Meredith's eyes got wide and she pulled away as she felt him press against her.

"Derek!" She shouted as she pulled away. She looked down at his impressive manhood with big eyes and a straight face.

"It's a natural reaction, Mer. Just ignore it." He groaned, chiding himself for being such an idiot. He wished he could have stopped it so that she didn't get uncomfortable. "I'm sorry... I'm not doing it on purpose." He told her with a frown.

"Just... Let's get this done." Meredith said as she shook her head in disgust. "I mean seriously... How? Never mind." She said as she looked away. "It's fine. I know you can't help it."

"I'm sorry." Derek told her with a frown as he grabbed the shampoo. "He just wants you. He can't help it. He knows where his home is." Derek explained as he worked her hair and scrubbed her scalp.

"Derek... You are... Eh, forget it." Meredith said as she shook her head. "You are just horrible." She laughed as she looked at him. She had been trying to hold it in, but she couldn't any longer. His hard cock was inches from her and making it's presence known. "I mean... Look at you." She giggled as she looked a him. "You are like a pillar." She said as she bopped it with her hand, watching it bounce.

"Don't tease the caged animal!" Derek laughed as he looked down. "You are not playing fair!" He whined as he looked down at his hard cock that was now wanting her more than ever.

"I'll stop." She said as she walked over and let the water run over her head and rinse the soap away. "I'm sorry, that was really mean." She agreed as she looked up at him. "Really... Freaking...mean!" She laughed harder. "Okay... I'm good. I'm good."

"I'm glad that I have provided you with entertainment. And you're laughing. You have no idea how much I have missed your giggle." Derek told her with a smile. "And please tell me you are planning on shaving those bad boys..." He said as he pointed to her legs. It looks like you are wearing pants." He laughed as he looked at her.

"Thanks a lot, ass!" She growled as she looked at him. "And I can only do one, I think. Or it will look like I am wearing pinstripes." She said as she laughed heartily, looking down at her hairy legs. "Damn.. I do need to shave." She agreed as she looked at him and at her legs.

"You do..." Derek told her with a nod. "And I will help you. I seriously can't not help you. If you got in a car accident, they would take you to the veterinarian instead of the hospital." He teased as he looked at her. Meredith shook her head and shoved him away.

"You are... So bad, Derek. So freaking bad." She told him with a frown as she grabbed the shaving cream. "But... I guess I deserved it. I wasn't exactly playing nice." She pointed out as she sprayed the gel on her leg and watched it slip down "Damn." She groaned as she looked at it.

"Here... Let me help you." Derek said with a smile as he put shaving cream in his hand and spread it on her leg. "My little porcupine." He laughed. Meredith rolled her eyes and kept her leg up. Somehow it had shifted from something weird to something fun.

"If you cut me, you are going to have notches on your bad boy." Meredith said as she looked down it his cock. She would never do it, but she would fantasize.

"Ah... You are so nice, Mer. So nice. But really... I shave my face everyday. And I see to remember shaving your pussy a time or two. I think you are safe with me." He told her with a smile as he ran the razor smoothly over her flesh.

"I trust you..." Meredith agreed as she closed her eyes and tried to remain still. She could feel his body against hers. To get the right angle, he had to do it from behind. His body melded perfectly into hers as he worked. Meredith could never admit to him how right it felt, but it did feel next to perfect.

"You should..." Derek breathed into her ear. She knew he wasn't talking about shaving. He was talking about life. He was talking around being allowed back into hers. She wanted to tell him it was fine. She wanted to let him right back in. She couldn't. She couldn't let him take her to their bed. They needed to work on their relationship.

Meredith let out a soft panting moan. His had body was begging her. His cock was there. It was still hard as it poked into her ass cheek. She knew with one smooth motion she could have him inside of her, filling her to the core. She wanted to spread her legs and take it like a woman, but she couldn't. Sex wasn't going to solve their problems. It wasn't even going to come close. They needed something more, even if sex was tempting.

"See... No cuts." Derek said with a smile as he pulled away. Meredith looked at her perfectly soft legs. He had done a good job. She quickly pulled away and rinsed herself off. It was getting far too hot in there.

"Thanks..." Meredith said as she turned to walk out. Derek nodded his head as she walked away. He had to look at her perfect apple shaped ass. He wanted it and he wanted it bad. He looked at his cock and smiled. He drew in a breath as he looked at the cold water. He flipped it. Something had to stop his madness.

**If you want daily updates, you really need to read on my site. I am not doing good getting things up here. I have been way too busy...**


	44. Shower Time

Derek walked into the great room. He couldn't stop thinking about how much he missed the house. He loved every single inch of it. It was his dream home and a house that he thought he would share with her forever. As he walked in, he looked at Meredith who was sitting on the sofa watching t.v. Liam was sitting on her lap being quiet and playing with his toy. The boy was content just being with his mom.

"How did you get the boy on your lap?" Derek asked as he sat down next to her. Liam squealed loudly and leaned over at Derek, pushing Meredith's shoulder.

"Ah!" Meredith screamed as she felt the pain rip through her shoulder. She felt the tears come to her eyes. She grabbed her arm as she began to feel the throbbing pounding through her body. "Oh my god... Take him. Please take him!" She cried as Derek grabbed Liam and Meredith let herself hunch over in pain.

"Mer... are you okay?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at her. Meredith laid there, tears streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't answer him as she gasped for air. "Meredith, talk to me." Derek begged as he looked into her eyes.

"Can't you see I'm in pain?" Meredith screamed as she looked at him. Derek could see the red in her eyes. She was dying. He felt the anger in his gut grow. He wondered why they weren't doing anything about it. Why they were using the wait and see approach. "Leave me the hell alone!"

"I'm sorry..." Derek said as he sat back. He wanted to help her, but he knew that she would just get mad at him. Liam looked at his mom and started to cry softly. He was in pain just seeing her in pain. "It's okay, Liam... You are fine."

"Ma hur!" Liam wailed as he looked at her. Derek rubbed his tiny son's back softly and kissed him on the head. "Ma... Da... Ma hur!" He told him as he struggled to get out of Derek's grasp. He was getting better and better at fighting his parents for power.

"No, Liam. Stop!" Derek said as he stood up with his son and walked him over to the port-a-crib and placed him inside. Liam began screaming and tossing himself about at his newfound confinement. "You have to stay there." Derek told him as he walked over to Meredith and knelt down in front of her.

"You can't stick him in that prison." Meredith spat out as she looked over. She was still crying from the pain that was radiating through her body. "Get him out." She told him as she rocked herself back and forth.

"He is fine. That will not hurt him." Derek told her as he pulled off her sling and started examining her. Meredith winced at the pain he was causing.

"You are hurting me. If you don't stop, I will smash your face. Do you understand me?" Meredith growled as she looked into his eyes and clenched her jaw. Derek ignored her threat as he kept on.

"Meredith, you can't suffer like this. You should be feeling some relief. They can't just leave you in pain like this. I can't believe they didn't prescribe something for the pain." He said in shock as he helped her put her arm back in the sling.

"They did give me something for pain. They game me vicodin. I don't need that crap. I'm fine. I just need to deal with it, you know." Meredith said as she looked into his eyes.

"No, Mer. Where is the Vicodin. You need to take one. You have no reason to suffer. I am here with you and Liam. You can take it and be fine." He told her with a nod as he stood up and walked to the kitchen. "I will not let you sit here when I know I can do something." He said from the kitchen.

"Mamama! Mamaaaa! Ou! Ou! Lee ou!" He screamed as he jumped around and threw his head back. "Lee ou!" He yelled again as he threw himself down and thrashed.

"It's okay, Liam... It's okay." Meredith said as she brought herself to her feet and walked over. Liam quickly jumped up and grasped the sides of the port-a-crib, pulling himself to his feet. "Here... Mama will get you." Meredith said as she reached her good arm in and tried to scoop him up. "Ah... Oh god..." Meredith moaned, feeling the pressure.

"Meredith!" Derek yelled as he came in the room, seeing what she was trying to do. "Put him down! You can't hold him! I just- He is fine in there. He has got to learn some patience." Derek told her as he rushed over and grabbed Liam from her and placed him back in the crib.

"Da..." Liam cried as he realized what Derek was doing. "Ma! Mamamaaaaa!" He yelled trying to get his mother to crack. "Ma! Lee ou!" He demanded as he looked at her.

"This is wrong, Derek. He should be able to get out of there. He feels like he is in prison." Meredith told him as she looked at him and then at Liam. "Please... Just..."

"He's okay, Mer. I promise you, he is okay." Derek told her firmly as he handed her a pill and a glass of water. He was Liam's father. She had to learn to share parenting responsibilities. It seemed Derek really was back in the picture.

"Derek! It isn't up to you... Shit. I didn't mean that." Meredith said quickly as she looked up at him. She could see the hurt in eyes. She regretted saying it, even if she had been thinking it.

"Oh... I see." Derek snapped as he looked at her. He could feel the anger growing and he didn't want to regret what he was going to say to her. "So, you file for divorce and have me kicked out of the house, and now it is my fault that I'm not here. Damn me all to hell! Damn me to hell for having an opinion about how our son should be raised. Yes! _Our_ son! See, we created him. Together. That was back when you loved me. We created this little boy out of love, and now you want to make me suffer for that." Derek said as he stood there in her face. Meredith looked at him in shock and didn't say a word.

He was right. There was a time when they were in love. They had a whole life planned out. They knew what they were doing. They were going to be the perfect American family. They had failed so miserably that it was pathetic. And she did know that she pushed Derek away. But she couldn't help but think back to a time when Derek was absent and she would sit home all night, wondering just when he would return.

"I don't want to make you suffer, Derek. But god knows, you do deserve it. You do. I waited every night for you. You never came. You chose to sleep at the hospital rather than come home to your wife and child. So you know what, I do have some animosity towards you. I may want to make you suffer because it isn't right. You were never here and now you just walk back in..." Meredith said as she shook her head.

"Oh yes... I just walk in. You forced me out, Meredith! I would have worked it out. I would have tried. I told you I would try. What did you do? You said that I needed to let you go." Derek pointed out. "So what now... Now I am still the bastard." Derek said as he shook his head.

"Maamamamaaa!" Liam shouted. He had obviously heard enough out of his parents fighting. Meredith immediately felt guilty for saying anything in front of Liam.

"Oh, Liam..." Meredith said softly. "Mom and Dad were bad. We were bad. We're sorry." Meredith said as she bent down to him.

"Don't take him out yet." Derek told her. Just wait a sec. He cannot think that he gets a reward when we are bad. We need to walk away and ignore him for a moment." Derek explained as he turned and walked away.

"This isn't right, Derek. He is in distress when you leave him in there. Do you know what that will do to his health?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at Liam who was turning deep red from his crying. "He is going to have a freaking heart attack."

"Oh come on... This is nothing! This is... Do you know how good he has it? Too good. You have coddled him. This is all you, Mer. I'm not saying anything bad about you. I know you love him. You are a wonderful mother. You are too good. I know he was all you had because I wasn't here. But you have to learn to let go. If it were up to you, Liam would still be nursing. Hell, Liam would be the only ten year old still sucking on your boob." Derek said with a chuckle. Meredith clenched her jaw. She wanted to hurt him. She fought the urge to hit him in the face.

"You are a cock-sucker, Derek Shepherd. And you can go to hell." She said as she smacked him in the face and rushed off. She couldn't believe he said it.

Derek stood there, feeing the sting across his face. He regretted saying it, but he did feel that way. She was coddling their son so much, he was starting to behave badly. He just wanted to be a father to his son, and he was hoping that she would actually let him. Derek looked over at Liam, who was standing there quietly. Derek was right and he was finally accepting that he didn't get the attention when he demanded it.

"How would you like to take a shower with Dad, Liam?" Derek asked as he walked over and picked his son up. He was regretting being nasty to Meredith, but at the same time, he really needed to get his feelings out in the open.

Meredith laid on her bed. She felt so hurt. She felt like Derek was rushing in and taking their life over. She felt like he was taking her son from her. She didn't think he deserved to walk back in and pretend that life was great. This was something that they needed to sit down and talk about rationally.

"I'm taking a shower with Liam." Derek said as he peeked into her room. He didn't ask, he was telling her.

"He can't do that... He's never-" Meredith stammered as she looked up. A frown covered her face as she looked into his eyes. "Just don't drop him." She finally said with a sigh as she dropped her head.

"He will be okay, Mer. I promise. He will be okay." Derek told her with a smile as he walked away. He wanted to spend time with his son. He knew if he didn't push for it, he would never get it.

Derek walked into the bathroom with his son. He wanted to spend time with him. He wanted to know Liam. He wanted to know every little tick. Nothing could bring back the time he had missed. He regretted every second when she was laying on that sofa in his office while she was alone with him. Derek slowly undressed his son and laid him down. Derek watched as Liam crawled around naked.

"Naked baby! Naked baby!" Derek laughed as he watched the little boy. Lima crawled over to the nearest surface and pulled himself to his feet. Derek was amazed at how well the boy was walking. Once he got up, he was stable. "Lee Lee... Look at you." Derek said with a smile as he son came walking over to him. Derek pulled off his clothing as quickly as possible as he waiting for Liam to reach him.

"Da!" Liam yelled excitedly as he picked up his pace. "Da!" Liam yelled again as he rushed over and grabbed Derek's naked leg.

"LP, I think we really could call you the streak." Derek said with a chuckle as he looked down at his naked son. He wished that Meredith could see how happy Liam was. "Liam, dad is going to take you into the shower with me, okay? Are you ready for such a big boy thing?" Derek asked as he bent down and picked Liam up.

Derek walked over to the shower. He was glad that he had the seat built into the wall. He thought back to when they were doing the plans for the house. He had ulterior motives when he did it. It was the perfect spot for sex. She grumbled loudly as he looked at the seat that was never used. His sex seat was getting no action. Neither was his cock. He had to stop thinking about it before it brought him down. Or up. Definitely up.

Derek flipped on the water. He knew he would have to make it much colder than what he wanted. The last thing he needed was to burn Liam's delicate skin. Derek grabbed a couple of towels and Liam's frog robe and laid them by the shower. He took his baby silk bath wash and stepped in. Liam looked up in shock, seeing that they were going into the water. As Derek walked him into it, Liam screamed loudly.

"You're okay, buddy... You are okay! Shhh... You are going to scare your mama. If you scare mommy and then we are in the biggest of trouble. We're okay... Look... It's so warm. And relaxing... Oh... Nice... So nice! Do you feel that nice warm water on your skin?" Derek asked as he rubbed Liam softly to soothe him.

"Da!" Liam cried. "Daaa! Noooo." Liam cried. Derek quickly turned his back to the water, shielding Liam from the spray.

"Is that better, Lee Lee?" Derek asked as he kissed Liam softly. Liam giggled as he moved around in Derek's arms. "No... You have to stay still. You have to stay still so daddy doesn't drop you. If daddy drops you... Not good things." Derek told him softly. "Do you like this? Isn't it nice?" Derek asked him as he reached for Liam special body wash.

"Da... Ma?" Liam asked, looking for his mom. Derek looked at him sadly.

"Ma is sleeping. And you should be soon." Derek explained as he began washing Liam gently with his free hand. He was amazed at how hard it was to shower with him. "You need to sleep soon buddy."

"Da..." Liam giggled as he wiggled around. He leaned in to give Derek a kiss. Derek met him halfway and kissed him softly. Derek looked down in shock as he felt his body get warm.

"Whoa buddy! Liam... You don't pee in the shower. Oh god..." Derek said as he held him away as he finished. "Lee! You peed on dad." Derek said as he began to laugh. Liam began to giggle with his dad. Derek shook his head as he began to rinse the baby off. Liam was much more content with being rinsed this time. "I think we are done." Derek said with a smile as he flipped off the water and walked out of the shower. he grabbed Liam's frog hooded towel and wrapped him in it. Derek laid him down quickly and wrapped a towel around his own body.

"Lee seep." Liam said as he yawned as looked at his dad. The warm water had obviously relaxed him.

"Yes... Liam, you can go to sleep after we change you." Derek told him as he opened the door and walked into the mater bedroom. Meredith was laying on the bed, watching him intently. She tried to continue regular breaths. It was almost impossible as she looked at Derek's body, covered by a single white towel.

"Liam! Did you have a good shower?" Meredith asked as she looked up at him and tried to pull herself into a sitting position. "How was he?"

"It took him awhile to get used to it." Derek explained as he looked at her. "But he was okay. I mean... I'm not clean, but he is. I'm clean if you consider him peeing on me, clean." Derek chuckled as he sat Liam down on the bed and Liam crawled to his mom. The towel was abandoned halfway there.

"Did you pee on dad?" Meredith asked in shock as she started to giggle. She couldn't believe he did it. She knew his body did react to the warm water, she really shouldn't have been surprised. "Such a big guy. Oh... You smell so nice." She told him as he crawled onto her chest.

"Mamaa." Liam babbled as she laid his head down. Meredith and Derek both smiled. Within minutes, their son was out like a light.

"He needs to be dressed." Meredith said with a frown, not wanting to disturb him. "But we will give him a few. I will cover him up." Meredith said with a nod as she pulled the blanket over him. "I would hate for him to... Pee on me." Meredith laughed as she thought about it.

"Be nice, Mer." Derek warned as he looked at her. "I'm sorry I was mean earlier. I just... I want to be part of this. I don't want to be the boss, but I want you to at least listen to my input." Derek explained. "And this language... Please. No more cock-sucker." He whispered. "I mean... Liam will go to kindergarten and he will say these are my parents, Meredith and Cock-Sucker Shepherd." He said seriously. Meredith tried to hold it in. She couldn't. She couldn't take it and started to laugh heartily.

"I'm sorry... You aren't... You really aren't." Meredith laughed. She knew it wasn't funny that she said it, but what he said was. "You are more of a penis blower." She laughed as she looked at him. Derek looked at her with a straight face before he broke. Derek began laughing hard with Meredith. She was the love of his life. Really.


	45. Talking

Meredith laid in her bed. She knew that Erin would be there today. She liked Erin, but she wasn't sure how she would like spending a whole day with the girl. Derek had surgery today, and truly Meredith was ready for him to leave. He was great to have around, especially with Liam, but he was making her feel pressured. She didn't want pressure from him. Or from anyone.

"Mamama!" Meredith heard Liam say loudly from his nursery. He would stand at him crib and yell for her if she didn't come in there right when he woke up. She was starting to realize that she was coddling him too much, and now she was suffering for it.

"I'm coming, Liam." Meredith told him as she climbed out of the bed. Meredith wasn't sure if Derek was still there. She knew that he had been panning to stick around until Erin came, but she also knew how the hospital went. If they pushed his surgery up, he had to go. "Mama is coming." She groaned as her feet hit the floor. She knew she had to pee before she went over to get him.

"Ma!" He yelled again. She shook her head as she sat on the toilet. Even if she ran, she couldn't get there faster enough for her little boy. "Mama!" She heard him yell again, but this time he was much closer. Meredith looked up in shock as he came walking in the bathroom.

"Leelee! You escaped!" Meredith said in shock as she looked at him. She couldn't believe that he was walking. More importantly, she had no idea how he had gotten out.

"He escaped!" Derek joked as he walked in. Meredith looked up at him in shock.

"Derek! I'm peeing here!" Meredith said in shock as she looked at him. She didn't like him watching her while she peed. "Go! Go!" She spat as she waved her arms.

"Okay, Mer... Whatever you say." Derek told her as he walked out and stood outside the door. "You know... I know every inch of your divine place. In fact, my tongue had licked every tiny fold. And of course, my penis knows it all too. But the thing I will never forget, is when our son stretched the hell out of it and came into this world. So, Mer... I have seen it all, and you wiping it with a square is nothing." He told her with a laugh.

"You are such a- Ah... Never mind." Meredith said as Liam walked up to her. She wanted to pick him up so badly. She knew that he would be getting big soon enough and she wouldn't be able to. "I can't pick you up, LP. Mom can't do it. But when I can, I will. I promise." Meredith said as she got down on her knees with her son. " Mom loves her boy."

"Erin should be here in awhile." Derek told her as she walked out. They were both amazed at how well Liam was walking. He walked right behind her like he had been doing it all his life.

"Okay." Meredith said with a nod. "What have you done with him? Did you change his diaper yet?" Meredith asked, knowing she couldn't do it.

"I have not. He was yelling for you, so I released him from his prison. But I will change him now. Are you ready to get up yet?" Derek asked as he looked her. She looked slightly tired and disheveled.

"I am, but I need to get dressed." Meredith explained as she stood there. "And today, I will do it on my own!" She grumbled as she went over to her closet and pulled out a shirt. She also grabbed her jeans and looked at the clothes, wondering how she was going to get them on. Liam stood there holding Derek's leg as he started to get tired. He finally plopped down on the floor, his padded butt hitting firmly.

"Here... I will help you. You are starting off badly as it is." He told her as he walked over and pulled her top over her head and tossed it aside. She looked at him with a frown, but let him continue. She did need him.

"I don't need you. I really don't." Meredith said frankly as she looked into his eyes. "I know you think I do, but I don't. I learned to live without you, and I will continue doing so." She growled out of anger. Derek shook his head and laughed in her face.

"Okay, Mer... Okay." Derek said with a smile. His eyes gazed over her perfect body. He loved the gentle rise and fall her her breasts as she stood there breathing so hard. "You don't need me. I know you can do this on your own. But it would be nice if you did." Derek told her as he pulled his pants up. "I would like to be needed by you. I was once before, you know..." Derek told her as he buttoned her jeans and looked into her green eyes.

"I did need you. But I adapted. Like a starfish, I adapted." Meredith said with a nod. She was meaning to hurt him, but she definitely was.

"I want this to work, Mer. Whatever we have to do, I want it to work. You are everything to me." He said with a smile as he looked into her eyes and glanced down to Liam who was crawling to them.

"It's not going to be easy, Derek... It will not even be close." Meredith said with a frown. "But we can try... We can try."

--

Meredith spent the day with Erin. The girl was nice, but she was overly quiet. Meredith never realized what an introvert she really was. Meredith was hoping she was quiet because she was there. She was hoping that Erin interacted with Liam and helped him to socialize when she had to take him places. Meredith didn't like Erin driving her son, but in an emergency, she was permitted. And last time Liam ran out of food, it was an emergency.

"How is your shoulder feeling, Dr. Grey?" Erin asked as she pushed the stroller along. Meredith walked beside her. She tried to push in the beginning and Liam's stroller kept veering left..

"It is some better." Meredith told her with a nod. "It will be fine. I'm not worried about." Meredith lied as she walked alongside her son. Liam was talking softly to himself as he looked around.

"It still hurts. I can see by the way you favor it." Erin told her frankly. Meredith actually welcomed the conversation, even if it wasn't what she wanted to talk about. "What did the doctor say?"

"I have an appointment tomorrow." Meredith pointed out as she stuck her finger out for Liam to grab. Liam grasped it and giggled loudly.

"Ma..." He told her softly as he squeezed. "Ma... Ou..." He moaned as he tried to pull out of the stroller. Meredith was happy that Erin had strapped him down. He was a fighter, and it was looking like he was going to become a houdini soon enough.

"Liam... You have to stay. You cannot walk out here. The ground is unstable and you could fall. I don't want my guy to fall. You could get hurt. Or cut. You don't want that. You would get an owie and then you would need a bandaid." Meredith explained to him. He was half listening and half pouting.

"Your mom is right, Liam. You could get hurt very badly." Erin chimed in. Meredith did like how Erin interacted and talked to Liam like he was a person. She didn't want him to be talked to like a baby. He needed to understand how to speak clearly.

"Out!" He said clear as a bell as he fumbled with the straps. Meredith shook her head at his boldness. Just as she bent down to talk to him, he was distracted by a squirrel. She let out a sigh of relief, and began walking again.

"Things seem better between you and Dr. Shepherd." Erin said meekly. She almost knew she was over stepping her boundaries, but she said it and it was too late to take it back.

"Um..." Meredith said, taken aback that Erin had said anything about Derek. "We are working on things." Meredith explained. She knew she didn't owe her anything, but she felt that she could give her an explanation.

"That's great." Erin told her with a nod. "I know it is none of my business... But I've been there. I have been there before. I know what it is like." Erin said vaguely as she looked over. Meredith looked at her in confusion, wondering just what the young woman meant.

"Erin... You are a little young to have been married." Meredith half joked. She joked, but she knew that there was a chance that she had been married, so she didn't say too much.

"No... Not me. I grew up in it. I was young. I like to think that my parents did love each other. I don't know if they ever did. I hope they did. I didn't realize how sad it was until I was a little older. I started seeing my friend's parents and families interact. My mom and dad tried to hold it together for me. It didn't take long for the situation to become volatile. I wish they had spilt up earlier so that I didn't have to suffer. At the same time, I wish they had never split up because there was nothing I wanted more than a mom and dad. You realize that you are missing out on something. It really did hurt." Erin told her sadly. Meredith could see in her eyes that it had affected her deeply.

"I'm really sorry, Erin. I do know how it feels. Somewhat. My dad left when I was six. I never saw him again. I'm not sure why, but I think my mom pushed him away. I do know what it is like to be without a father. But I didn't have one. At all. And Derek... Him being around I think would be better than disappearing." Meredith muttered more to herself than to Erin.

"I agree, but if Derek goes home at night and Liam only sees him on weekends, it hurts. He won't understand why Derek leaved him. Not until he is much later. You don't know because in essence, your father died. When he left, you cut him out. To you, he was nonexistent. But to Liam, Derek is existent, but absent. You should never stay together if you hate someone, but I have been around you two, and he loves you. I know you love him too. People should never let go. You shouldn't give up." Erin told her with a smile. Meredith nodded. Erin was right. Erin was so right it made her sick. She wished she had never been so foolish. She wished she had never gave up so quickly. Meredith looked up with a smile as they walked up to the house. Derek was home and just getting out of his car.

"i'll take him in the house." Erin said with a nod and a smile as she went towards the back door. Meredith nodded and walked towards Derek's car.

"Hey... Did you go for a walk?" He asked with a smile as he opened his door and climbed out.

"We need to talk, Derek." Meredith said frankly as she looked into his eyes. "We need to really talk... About everything."

--

Derek laid Liam down in his crib. He was sleeping peacefully before he even got him in there. They had taken him outside after dinner and he had run all over the place. He had so much fun playing the the grass and trying to eat dirt. Meredith was in shock at how dirty he was, but she knew it was good for him. Derek had given him a warm bath to relax him and slathered his skin with baby lotion. Before he could even get him dressed, the boy was sound asleep on the changing table. It seemed he was just like his mother in that aspect, a every sound sleeper.

Derek was glad that she needed to talk. Talking for her was a big deal. It was a huge deal. He knew from the past that she was famous for shutting down and forgetting that anyone exsisted. She would go in her own little world and drown herself with tequila. Talking was something that they needed to do to move forward. Meredith knew that she needed to talk to make steps. Derek knew that having everything laid out on the table would help them immensely. Each had to know what the other wanted.

Meredith sat back on the sofa. She was the one that initiated this talking session. Now she was wondering if she wanted to. It wasn't the talking. She knew that they needed to do it. For her, it was admitting that she made a mistake. She knew in her heart that she had made a huge mistake getting divorced. She regretted talking to her attorney. She regretted filing the papers. She regretted signing the papers. She had a lot of regrets. And it seemed today she would have to face them all.

Meredith was happy that Derek was taking part. She never thought that Derek would come back around. She knew that he loved his job. She knew that he was a fighter, and she had been sure that he was going to try to fight forever. She assumed that when the divorce was finalized he would be the chief of surgery forever. He would drown himself in work and never come out. And her seeing what he let go, she knew that he was in it. He wanted it to work.

"The boy is sleeping like a rock." Derek said with a smile as he walked down the stairs. Meredith was sitting her her favorite pajama pants and a tee shirt. To Derek she had never been more beautiful. Her hair was laying softly and she had a look of contentment on her face.

"He had a lot of fun today." Meredith agreed as she looked up at him. "He needed to get outside. I haven't been so good about getting him out there." Meredith told him sadly. "But he will be going out daily."

"He needs it. And you have been tired. That makes a difference. It's not as if you don't want to do it... You are just too damn tired." He told her frankly. He knew how hard raising Liam and the job were on her. They took everything she had. "Do you want some wine?" Derek asked as he walked away. He didn't support her drinking tequila, but a glass of wine never killed her.

"That would be great. I didn't take any pain meds today." Meredith explained. She wanted him to know that she was playing life straight and really trying. Derek smiled as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle. They had the perfect basement for keeping wine, but they would keep a few bottles in the upstairs. Derek poured them each a glass and walked in, handing it to her.

"Here you go..." Derek said with a smile and sat down beside her. "So... I guess we need to talk." Derek pointed out as he looked up at her.

"Yeah." Meredith agreed as she took in a breath. "I guess we do need to talk." She added with a nod.

"I'm not really sure where to start..." Derek told her with a frown. "I made mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes. I thought I could hold it all together. I thought I could make it all work. I thought I would be able able to get it all done in a day. I was wrong. I never wanted to admit that I couldn't hack. I thought I could make it work all in a day and come home for dinner every night. I should have known better. I am so sorry, Meredith. you have no idea how sorry I am." Derek said as his eyes began to get misty. Thinking about it, he was realizing just how bad they had made it all.

"It wasn't just you, Derek." Meredith told him with a nod. She saw the tears coming to her eyes. She was ready to cry herself, but she held it in. "I knew... That day that you came home and said you wanted to be chief, I knew. I knew that you wouldn't be able to do it all. I knew what it would do to us. I couldn't tell you no. I couldn't flush your dream down the toilet. I couldn't not let you try. Maybe if I had talked about it before... Maybe if I had said something, we could have planned it out." Meredith admitted as she felt her stomach knot up. It was hard admitting all that had happened.

"Mer... This is- We cannot sit here and suffer over who is to blame." Derek explained as he looked at her. He grabbed her hand gently and looked into her eyes. "I regret ever taking that job. I have missed out on so much. In months, I have missed huge things in my son's life." Derek told her with a frown as he rubbed circles on the top her her hand.

"I shouldn't have signed. I just- I was so tired, Derek. I was exhausted. I didn't think. I was so stupid. I just thought if I signed the papers, it would end it. I thought I would be able to forget it all. I thought I would be able to sleep at night, and not worry about where you were or why you weren't home. And when it came down to it, I didn't think you would sign. I didn't think we would actually do it." She told him as a tear slid down her cheek. Derek leaned in and wiped the stray tear. It broke his heart.


	46. A Date

Derek looked up at her. She now had tears streaming down her cheeks. He could see how much she regretted what she had done. She regretted going through with everything. He regretted it too. He regretted everything that he had done in the last year. He wished he could just go back and fix it all. He knew no matter what, he could not do it. He couldn't go back. Now they had to figure out how to move forward.

"I didn't think we would do it either, Mer." Derek admitted as he sat his glass of wine down on the table. He grabbed Meredith's glass and placed it alongside his. "I thought that we would make it. And when it came time to sign... I never thought you would sign. I only did it because I thought was what you wanted. I only wanted to make you happy, Meredith. That is all I have ever wanted."

"I just wanted to be loved. That is all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be loved." Meredith sobbed as Derek pulled her against his chest. Derek ran his fingers through her soft hair. He felt so horrible. He had no idea how he had let it get to this point.

"Meredith Evelyn... I have never stopped loving you. Not for one second. I may have been absent. I may have been cruel. But never once did I stop loving you. You are the love of my life. That doesn't just go away. I can't even make that go away. You are my everything. I would rather die than go on without you." Derek told her frankly. He felt that way. He needed her like he needed air. She was his everything and she always would be.

"I love you so much, Derek. That is what makes it so damn hard." She told him as she pulled away. "My love for you is so strong. But at the same time, I can't trust you. I am waiting for you to run off. I am waiting for you to forget all about Liam and I and go back to where you were before. I can't trust you, Derek. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you. I love you so much." She told him a she stared into his eyes. She was praying that it would be okay. She needed it to be okay.

"I know you can't. I know you can't trust me." He admitted sadly. He could see why he couldn't be trusted. He had left her alone night after night. He disregarded her feelings. He was mean-spirited from too much work. He had hurt her in more ways than he could count. She had all the right in the world to not trust him. "I swear to you, Meredith Grey... I will do everything I can for the rest of my life to make you trust me again. I will die trying. I can't lose you. I need you like I need air, Meredith. I need you." Derek told her as he pulled her close and kissed her on the forehead.

"I need this to work." Meredith admitted as she looked at him. "I need this to work so badly. I need you, Derek. I need you so much it hurts me. I feel like I can't live with you. And I know I can't live without you." Meredith said as she softened her hand that was in his grasp. "I don't know where to start..." She said frankly.

"We start at the beginning." Derek told her as if it were the most simple thing in the world. "We start at square one."

"Don't think you are moving in here." Meredith snapped. Derek looked at her in shock. She said it abruptly. She said it nastily. He could tell that them starting over was hitting a nerve. He sat back and listened as she finished. "And you aren't going to drag me up to bed and fuck me!"

"Oh, Meredith... This is so much more than "fucking"." He told her as he shook his head. "First of all, we don't fuck. We make love. Do I want to make love to you? Of course. Nothing is more perfect than when you and I make love. But that is not all it is. This is about fixing our mistakes. This is about working towards a goal. Screwing will not get us to that goal. I know that. And that is not my plan." Derek told her with a smile.

"Okay." Meredith said with satisfaction. This was the Derek she knew. This was the Derek she fell in love with. This was the guy that was always there. This was the man that filled the hospital locker room with flowers when he was sorry. He was Derek Shepherd. And he wanted to try.

"And I won't live here. I am staying here until you can use your arm. I am staying here, Meredith." Derek emphasized as he looked into her eyes. "I am not living here. Once you heal, I will go home. I am going back to my apartment. But things will be changing. I will be coming here a lot. I will be visiting my son. But more importantly, I will be wooing you. I will be wooing you, and dating you. We are starting and square one, from the beginning." Derek told her with a nod.

"Dating?" Meredith asked in shock. She could feel the excitement bubbling inside of her. He really did want to try to make it work. She couldn't wait for his wooing. She knew it would be in true Derek Shepherd style.

"Dating. Dinner and a movie. Carbs in a basket. Steaks. Going to the park. Me picking you up at eight. Me walking you to the door and hoping for a kiss good night. It will be all of that. And you, Meredith Grey... You will love it!" He told her with a big smile.

"Dating..." Meredith muttered as she looked off into space. "Dating is good. We can date." She mused as she looked back at him.

"We can date." Derek agreed as he looked at her. "Dating will be great. I swear... You will have never had better." He added. They were going to date. And it really would be great.

--

Meredith stood in the bathroom. Derek was still helping her with everything. She was actually getting a little more self-conscious. Maybe it was because she knew that Derek had a renewed interest in her. She wanted to keep him happy, so she was worried about the way she looked. She remembered not so long ago when he told her how horrible she was. He made her feel like she was disgusting to look at. She never wanted to feel that was again. Or at least she never wanted him to say that again.

"I think I am getting better." Meredith explained as she attempted to dry her body off with her one free arm. "I have a better range of motion." She told him frankly as she looked up.

"Oh yes..." Derek humored her as he looked up. She most definitely did not have a better range of motion. In fact, he couldn't tell a bit of difference. She was still either letting her arm hang loosely at her side, or she was in a sling. "So much better... I have a feeling you just don't want to go to the doctor."

"I do think it is getting better." Meredith said with a frown as she looked into his eyes. "The pain doesn't wake be up as much..."

"That would be because I am forcing you to take your pain medication." Derek explained as she shook his head. "Mer... Ignoring the issue won't make it go away. You are a doctor. You know that." He pointed out as he helped her climb into her panties. There was something about his face so close to her ladyhood that made him want to turn into an animal and mount her.

"You're right." She agreed with a frown. "It hurts. And I don't think it is getting better." Meredith admitted as he pulled her jeans on and buttoned them. "It's not better at all. I guess wait and see didn't do a damn thing, did it?" She asked with a sigh.

"It was worth the try." Derek told her frankly. "But I have a feeling you will be on for surgery." He told her with a nod. "And what is going on with him? The bastard that did this to you..." Derek asked. He didn't want to ask, but he did want to know what Craig was getting in return for the torture he put on her.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith said quickly. She didn't even think about it. Unfortunately she was using avoidance as a shield. She had gotten an order of protection per Ellis' insistence, but she had left it at that. The police were filing charges, but she wasn't doing any follow-up.

"You know that won't help a thing... But you are you. I will let you do what you think you need to." He told her with a frown. He did not agree with what she was doing, but he knew he couldn't stop her. "Okay... You are dressed. At least we got that accomplished."

"Yeah." Meredith said with a frown. It was an accomplishment. And it was something she couldn't do on her own. No thanks to the man who was walking free and most likely still working at the hospital.

Derek put Meredith's hair up in a messy ponytail. That was all he could do. Meredith had to laugh. At the moment, she was thankful that they had a boy. She couldn't imagine him dressing or getting a girl ready. He was trying and she did appreciate it. She was getting used to having him around. The thing was, he was always around. He worked, but he always came home at night. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She waited, and so far, it did not happen.

Meredith and Derek were silent in the car. Erin came over to take care of Liam while they were gone. Derek wanted to be able to focus on Meredith and what Dr. Lawson was saying. He didn't want to have to wonder what Liam was going to get into next or how he would keep him entertained. Derek was having a feeling that this was going to end with Meredith getting some one on one time with Dr. Lawson and the operating room.

Derek felt strange in Mercy-West. Being that he was the former Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace, everyone knew who he was. They all wondered what was going on with him and his ex-wife. And of course, all the surrounding hospitals were abuzz with why he was fired from the job. It went from him having an affair with a patient, to him killing someone. It seemed that gossip ran wild. Even bad gossip. Not one person had gotten the story right.

Meredith went through the battery of tests that she needed to. Another MRI was ordered, as well as an x-ray. She was used to it all. Of course, her eyes were wide open as she looked around at the hospital. It wasn't Seattle Grace. Seattle Grace was state of the art. This was older, and not as well funded. Nonetheless, the doctors were more that competent.

"Okay, Dr. Grey..." Dr. Lawson said as he came in. "Your range of motion and strength tests did not come back well. You are still having pain, and I see the tear on the x-ray. I want to do a rotator cuff repair." He explained as he looked up.

"And what will that entail?" Derek asked, wanting to know all of the facts. Meredith looked between the men. She knew, but she didn't specialize in it.

"We will put Meredith under general. I will make a two inch incision in the shoulder, and cuts through the deltoid muscle. If there is any scar tissue, I will remove that. Next I will carve a small hole through the top of the upper arm and drill two small holes n the bone. I will sew the tendon to the bone with sutures through the holes I drilled. Depending on what it looks like, I may do permanent attachment. This will be a process with a slow recovery. There is poor blood supply to tendons. But in my opinion, it needs to be done." He said frankly as he looked at them both.

"I'm having surgery?" Meredith asked with a worried expression. She didn't like this. Meredith didn't like the idea of surgery one bit.

"You're having surgery." Derek told her with a nod. She was having it whether she wanted to or not. If she needed it, she needed it.

"I don't want to have surgery." Meredith told them boldly. "And If I don't want it, I'm not having it."

"I can't make you have surgery, Dr. Grey. But I have to tell you, if you do not, you will have major repercussions. You will not be a surgeon..." He told her with a frown. Meredith looked at him with wide eyes. She couldn't have that.

--

It was a date. Meredith was actually giddy about it. As she sat at the counter and looked at the flowers that Derek had sent over, a smile crossed her face. Calla lilies. She loved them. Many people considered them the death flower. They were a symbol of peace at funerals. She found that simplistic and beautiful. Derek knew that she loved them. They had them at their wedding in the Riviera. Derek did good. He always knew just what to do.

Meredith drew in a breath at the excitement. She couldn't wait. She couldn't hold it in. She hadn't been this happy in a very long time. She took a sip of her water and looked at Liam, who was sleeping in the port-a-crib. She was praying that he didn't wake up. Erin had class and would be gone all night. In desperation, she called Izzie. And Izzie never seemed happier to hear from someone in her life.

"Hello?" Izzie said softly as she opened the front door. It was custom for her to just walk in. If Derek knew the door had been unlocked, he would have killed her himself.

"Shhh..." Meredith whispered as she looked up with a smile. "He's sleeping." Meredith explained as she stood up. Izzie looked at her in shock. She looked at her arm, and then at the faint bruises that were still apparent, but going away.

"Oh my god, Mer!" Izzie said in shock as she looked at her face. Her hand went softly to the largest of the bruises and touched it gently. "Did he do this to you? Is this from Derek? I will kill him..." She stated in shock as she looked into her eyes.

"Oh god, no... No, not Derek. This is... Craig." Meredith said regretfully. She felt like such a failure. She allowed it to happen. She felt like she had let everyone in her life down.

"Craig? Craig?" Izzie asked in shock as she looked into her sad eyes. "That bastard!" She spat. "I can't believe... Why didn't you call, Mer? Why didn't you let everyone know. We thought you just hurt yourself and needed surgery. We didn't realize... I guess we should have come on our own." She finally said as she shook her head. She felt so horrible. She should have been there for her friend.

"It's okay, Iz. It's all over now." Meredith told her with a smile. Izzie waited for Meredith to open the door. She wanted to talk to her about it all, but she decided not to. She decided that she didn't want to cause any extra stress. "And you have no idea how much I appreciate that you are going to take Liam. This is Derek and I's first real date since the divorce. I just don't want him left with anyone. We could take him, but I just want this to be special, you know?" Meredith asked as she looked over at her sleeping son, bum in the air.

"I totally understand. I just- I can't get over it. You two are actually going to try, huh?" Izzie asked as she looked over at a sleeping Liam. "I mean- That is great. I'm glad he finally woke up and realized what he had let go of. He does love you, Meredith. He loves you more than anything. And now that he isn't chief, you guys will make it. And I bet this time will be even better than the first." She told her with an exuberant nod.

"I hope so, Iz. I really hope so." Meredith agreed as she looked around her broken home. She was just hoping to fill it with love. She just wanted to get back to the Meredith and Derek that they once were.

"So you want me to take him to the house? You don't want me to watch him here?" Izzie asked. She knew that she had always stayed in the house because Liam was more comfortable in his own home.

"I don't want you to watch him here. I don't want you in this house alone. If he showed up here... I would just never forgive myself. Derek and I will pick Liam up after dinner, if that is okay?" Meredith asked as she looked at the clock. She really didn't have that much time to get ready, and she wasn't sure about how she would do it.

"That's fine." Izzie agreed. "Hey... Do you need help? I mean your arm- I could help you get ready." Izzie suggested as she looked at Meredith's arm hanging in the sling. They all knew that she needed surgery. They had heard that much.

"If you don't mind. I just need need help zipping my dress. And my hair." Meredith explained as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"And your make-up..." Izzie teased as she nodded towards the stairs, Meredith walked towards the stairs and up. Every time she went up, she still imagined how it was when she was running from Craig.

Izzie was more than helpful with Meredith's hair and makeup. She wanted to look just right. She wanted to look perfect for Derek, and she knew that Izzie could make her look amazing. Meredith pulled out her strapless navy blue cocktail Dress. It was new. It was one of the purchases that she made when she was sad and lonely. She bought it because she knew Derek would love it. Now she was hoping he would.

"You look amazing, Mer." Izzie said with a smile as she looked at Meredith. She had placed her hair is a soft up-do. Meredith had had it hanging or in a Derek ponytail for far too long. She loved the fact that is was up and looking nice.

"Thanks, Iz... I couldn't have done it without you." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was satisfied with her look. She knew that Derek would be coming soon and she needed to get Izzie on the move. "Derek will probably be here soon..." Meredith explained as she started to walk to the door.

"Oh yeah... I should probably take the boy." Izzie agreed as she followed Meredith. Liam was still sleeping peacefully in his crib. Meredith wasn't going to intentionally going to wake Liam up. If he slept, she would just let him be.

"He is exhausted. Derek came home for lunch and we had him outside. He will probably sleep for quite a while." Meredith explained as Izzie grabbed the bags she packed and threw them over her shoulder. She bent down and picked up the sleeping child. Liam stirred softly, but never opened his eyes.

"He has gotten huge, Mer." Izzie said in shock as she held him. "Wow, he is such a big boy." She repeated as she felt his weight in her arms.

"He has. He's a little man now." Meredith told her with a nod. Izzie smiled as she breathed in his fresh, soft scent. "Take care of him, Iz. I know I don't have to repeat it all to you." Meredith said with a smile.

"No... And I know... If there is a problem, I need to call you." Izzie said with a smile as Meredith kissed her son goodbye. Izzie made her way out of the house and to her car. She already had the car seat in and waiting. Meredith watched as her son left with Izzie. She was sad, but she would be okay. It was just a few hours.

Meredith sat down on the sofa. Derek should be there anytime. She was hoping he would show up. He had been so great about being there. She knew that she had to have faith. She couldn't wait for it all to go down. It would be okay. Faith was all she needed. Just as she sat back on the sofa, she heard a car door. She rushed to the door. Derek actually made it. He actually showed up. She almost feel as she ran to open the door. Once she did, it wasn't what she expected.

Meredith froze. She never thought she would freeze. Fight or Flight. She chose neither. She chose freeze. She felt as if her whole body was frozen. She couldn't run. She wanted to, but she could not. She couldn't take it. Her heart beat out of her chest. Her hands began to sweat. She could feel the chills all over her body. She was so scared. So scared of what was going to happen. She and Derek were finally there, and now she would lose it all.

**So guess who is there??**

**As I have said in the past, if you want your daily dose, go to my site. It's listed on my profile. I update daily there.**

**Review please!**


	47. Date With The Devil

"Meredith." Craig said with a smile as he stood inches away from her. "Why don't we go in the house?" He asked as he shoved her backwards and shut the door. Meredith stumbled backwards and hit the wood floor with a thud, sliding several feet. She was only stopped my the turkamen rug in her path.

"Please don't hurt me." Meredith begged as she looked up at him. She could feel her body shake with fear. She was trembling at him before her. He was so big, and she was so frail and small in his wake.

"Don't hurt you?" Craig asked in shock. "You deserve to be hurt, Meredith." He told her as he grabbed her good arm and ripped her up. Meredith climbed to her feet the minute she was airborne.

"I'm sorry... What do you want? I will give it to you! Please, don't hurt me." She begged as she looked into his cold eyes. He was so fearful that he was going to end it all.

"I could lose my job, you know that?" He asked as he looked into her eyes. "If I'm not a doctor, what am I?" He asked simply. He wasn't drunk this time. This time, he was running on pure anger. This time, he was irate.

"I- I don't know... I can't- I will stop it. I will stop the charges." Meredith said with a head shake. She stepped backwards, hoping to slowly make her way to the kitchen. Knives. She needed knives.

"You can't stop the charges. It's far too late for that. You should have thought about that before you were a little bitch to me." He told her with a nod. "Now let me see... How do I make Meredith Grey pay for what she has done?" He asked with an evil smile.

"I will do whatever you want." Meredith agreed, just trying to keep him content. She was thankful that Liam was not in the house. She would never forgive herself for letting him be in that position the first time.

"All I ever wanted was a family. That was it. You were fucking perfect. You are fucking perfect. The perfect wife and mother. You have the perfect son. Derek dumped you off. Do you know how hard it is to find someone that will accept a chick with a kid? A baby? I would have taken you. I will take you. All you have to do is say the word." Craig told her with a smile. "We will run off and forget all of this. All of it. We'll start fresh." He suggested with a nod as he walked up to her and placed his hand on her cheek. Meredith shivered at his touch. It was a shiver mixed with fear and the sheer coldness of his hand.

"I- I-" Meredith stammered as she looked at him. His eyes were softer. He was trying to pull her in. He wanted to make her do what he said. He was a master manipulator. Just as she began to talk, she heard a car door. Derek. It was Derek.

"Who is that?" Craig asked as he looked in the direction of the door. He looked worried. Panicked.

"It's Derek." Meredith said with relief as she waited for him to rush in and save her. "It's Derek!" She said with a smile.

"What do you hold dear, Meredith?" Craig asked as he looked her straight in the eyes. "I think you know... You hold him dear... Your son. You say anything, and you will find his head and body in separate locations. Don't fuck with me, Meredith. Don't you dare fuck with me." He said with a smirk. "The boy will be fine... But if you fuck with me..." He motioned as he slit his throat with his finger. "Dead." He said as he ran out the back door.

Meredith collapsed on the floor in tears. She had no idea what to do. She had no idea what to say. She couldn't talk. She couldn't say anything. She wasn't going to risk her son's life. S he couldn't. She wanted to call the police, but she knew that would only make him angry. He was insane. She couldn't take the risk of losing her son. She would die for him. She was not taking chances. Not with her son's life.

"Oh my god! Meredith!" Derek shouted as he rushed to her side. He had no idea what was going on, but she was definitely in distress. "Meredith what is wrong?" Derek asked as he pulled her close, being careful of her arm.

"I'm okay... I- I- I just hit my shoulder. Oh god, it hurts! It hurts." She lied as she held it. She couldn't tell him. She didn't want him to end up dead. She couldn't risk it. right now, Craig was in charge and she would have to figure out what his rules were. It was in fact, his game.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" Derek asked as he looked into her eyes. She nodded her head no. She couldn't go. There was nothing wrong with her. She hadn't injured herself. It was her heart that hurt so badly.

"No... No. Let's just go. We need to go." Meredith told him as she pulled herself to her feet. "I'm so hungry." Meredith added as she rushed to the door. Derek looked at her in shock. She was in a a strange mood. She looked scared. She looked like she was hiding something. Derek followed behind her. Something was not right.

Derek looked over at Meredith. She looked nervous. She was jittery. He was shocked that she was so nervous over a date. She never got like that. Even when they went on their first when she was married to John, she didn't act like this. She was quiet. She was staring off into space. Her wheels were spinning madly. He just wondered why.

"Are you okay, Mer?" Derek asked as he grabbed her hand. He had on her favorite navy and grey pinstriped button-up dress shirt and a jacket. He had dressed for her, and he wasn't sure she didn't even noticed.

"Yeah... Uh huh. I'm fine." Meredith said quickly as she looked over at him. "I'm just really excited about the date." She lied as she looked into his eyes. Her hands grasped the leather of her car seat.

Meredith was terrified. She was so worried that Craig was on his way over to her old house. She was worried that he would go after Liam and Izzie, just because he could. She couldn't tell Derek. She was too afraid that he would make good on his threat. She had to stay silent to protect them all. She had to stay silent for her family. But that didn't mean she wasn't suffering inside.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he looked into her eyes. He knew she was lying. He could always tell. Derek did know better than to ask her. If he pushed, she would pull away. He couldn't have her pulling away from him.

"I'm sure." She said with her best fake smile and a nod. "So where are we going?" She asked. She wasn't even sure he ever told her. Anything that she knew was now gone. All she could think about was that he son could be in eminent danger. And she wondered, should she call Izzie, or would he know?

"The Capital Grille." Derek said with a smile. They had gone there once or twice and were always impressed. They had nationally renowned dry aged steaks. While Derek rarely ate red meat, he would make an exception for that. He loved the taste, he did not, however, like what he knew it did to his health. "Is that okay?" He asked with a bit of worry in his voice. He wondered if she really didn't want to go there.

"Oh, it's perfect!" Meredith said over exuberantly. She was trying to mask her pain and fear. He caught it, but chalked it up to nerves. "I love The Capital Grille." She agreed. Any other time, she would be elated. She loved the restaurant. right now, she was not. Right now, she was distracted.

"Good." Derek agreed as he pulled down fourth avenue.

He knew the way with his eyes closed. He stopped the historic Cobb building. It was right on the corner. He knew the building. It stood on the ten acres land where the original University of Washington was before it was moved. The building was just the same as it was for nearly 100 years ago when they built it. Seattle had made big plans to make the Metropolitan Tract, into a city within a city. The plans failed, and the eleven-story terra cotta building was left. It was now home to apartments and The Capital Grille, amongst others.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he put his Land rover in park, finding a pot nearest to the door. Normally he enjoyed parking far away. He knew that the walk was good for him. But tonight, Meredith looked do perfect and he was expecting the Seattle rain. he would pick her up at the door if that happened, but he didn't want her to have to walk far.

"I am." Meredith agreed. She was hungry. She was starving. But none of that mattered. All she could think about was her son. All she could think about were his words. She could see Liam's head and body disconnected and it made her sick. It haunted her.

"Good." Derek agreed as he opened his car door. "Shall we dine?" He asked as he looked over at her. He didn't want her to get out. He wanted to open the door for her. He quickly rushed around, not waiting for her response. Meredith smiled as he opened her door and helped her out.

"Thank you." Meredith said as he grabbed her dainty hand and shut the door behind her. The air was soft, but crisp. Meredith's wrap laid around her as they walked hand in hand. It was a perfect night for a date, and yet, she only had one thing on her mind.

"You look sad, Mer. Do you not want to be here?" He asked as he walked her to the door. She was shivering, but it was not from the cold air. She was shivering from the circumstances.

"Oh yes... I do." Meredith agreed as he opened the door. She walked in, and he followed behind her, his hand on the small of her back.

Meredith looked around the fine restaurant. Their was soft candle light creating the perfect ambiance. The crisp white linens were fresh and clean. The restaurant was quiet, people at their own tables, engaged in soft conversation. It really was perfect, and she was trying her best to soak it in and not think about what was ever so present, right in the front of her mind.

"Dr. Shepherd, how nice of you to join us." They said with a smile as they walked in. meredith half wondered if Derek had been bringing dates here. She let that thought pass. She couldn't think about it. That was not important. "Right this way." He said as he led them through the restaurant.

"Thank you." Derek said with a nod as he sat them at the perfect quaint table in the corner. It was perfect them. It was cozy and quiet. Derek looked up at Meredith. She seemed so deep in thought. He just wanted to know one thing. What exactly was going through her head?

"This is nice." Meredith whispered as she looked around. She knew she had to talk. She had to to throw off any suspicion he was having. "Thank you, Derek."

"You don't have to thank me, Mer. You know that. Why do you think you have to thank me?" Derek asked as he looked at her face, glowing softly in the candle light. She looked so amazing and beautiful. He hadn't seen her so beautiful in a long time.

"For trying. I need to thank you for trying. I just can't imagine what life would have been like if we didn't try. We owed it to Liam. We owed it to ourselves." Meredith explained as she looked into his eyes.

"I want this. Mer, I want this so bad, I would die trying. I can't go back and change the past, but if I could, I would. When I saw you at Seattle Grace that first time, I knew you were my soulmate. I still believe that. It was love at first sight for me. That isn't something you just let go. That's not something you can forget about. You don't forget the love of your life..." He told her with a sigh as he looked into her eyes and grabbed her hands. "I love you, baby." He said softly as he rubbed circles on her hands.

"I love you too, Derek." Meredith told him as she felt the lump form in her throat. She felt sick. Her baby. Her poor baby. "So much." He told him with a smile. "I need to go to the ladies room." Meredith whispered as she pulled away from him.

"Do you want an appetizer?" He asked her as he looked up. He could see that she was in a rush, but he decided to let it go.

"Sure. Yes. Whatever you want." Meredith told him with a nod and smile as she grabbed her purse and rushed off. Meredith weaved through the tables. She was in a hurry. She needed to call Izzie. She had you make sure her son was okay. Meredith looked around the bathroom, seeing that no one else was occupying it. She needed to call her friend.

"Mer... He is fine." Izzie teased in a pleasant tone. Meredith wasn't even sure what to say or do. She didn't want to say too much.

"I just wanted to check. I worry about him." Meredith said with a frown as she looked into the mirror. She looked great on the outside, but on the inside she was a complete mess. "I just- Lock the door, okay?" Meredith asked as she started to worry. "I don't want anything to happen to you or Liam. Just promise me you will lock the door and not open it." Meredith begged as she leaned against the wall.

"What is going on, Mer? Is everything okay?" Izzie asked as she looked at Liam who was happily climbing around the living room. Izzie wondered if Meredith crawled around the same floor when she was a baby. The thought brought a smile to her face as Liam crossed the persian rug and rounded the table, getting ready to pull himself to his feet.

"Yeah... Yeah. Everything is fine." Meredith said nervously softly as she shuddered. "Just... Promise me. Promise me that you will keep the doors locked and keep him safe." Meredith told her quickly.

"Mer... You're making me nervous." Izzie admitted as she picked Liam up and help him close. She felt she needed to protect him, and she had no reason why. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Meredith told her simply. "How is my son?" Meredith asked, trying not to think about anything Craig had said. "I think I hear him... Can I talk to him?"

"Of course you can." Izzie said quickly. "Liam... Mommy wants to talk to you. Talk to mommy. Here... Talk to mommy."

"Liam... How is my big guy?" Meredith asked happily. She was just glad to know that he was there and that he was okay. "Hey...Talk to me, buddy."

"Ma?" Liam asked with a loud squeal. "Ma..." Liam cried out loudly as he heard his mother talking to him. "Mamamaaa." He sang out as Izzie took the phone from him.

"See, Mer? He is good. I told you he was fine." Izzie told her frankly. "Go have dinner... Have a good time. We will see you later, okay?" Meredith sighed as she shut the phone. He would be safe. She was confident that tonight he was safe.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked as he watched her walk up to the table. "I was beginning to think you either fell in, or you ran away." He chuckled as she sat down on the chair across from him.

"I was checking on Liam." Meredith admitted as she took a sip of the wine that Derek had ordered. "And he is fine." She exclaimed as she drew in a satisfied breath. "He is just fine."

"Your appetizer." The waiter said with a smile as he sat down their lobster and crab cakes. Meredith smiled at the sight. He knew just what she liked. "Enjoy." Derek and Meredith both nodded as he walked away.

"My favorite." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at them. "You remembered."

"I remember everything." Derek told her with a nod as he took a bite of his crab cake. He listened to Meredith moan softly at the taste of the succulent lobster and crab paired with dried mustard.

Meredith and Derek went through their courses. Meredith dined on a tomato mozzarella and basil salad. She only ate a small portion of it, making sure that she would have enough room for the rest of the meal. Derek chose his favorite blue cheese wedge salad. Meredith of course turned up her nose. Blue cheese was not something she would even consider eating. Meredith and Derek shared a Kona crusted dry aged sirloin with caramelized shallot butter. The meat was so tender and juicy it melted in their mouthes. The seasoned coffee rub was distinctive in every single bite.

"That was amazing." Meredith said as she pushed the plate away. Derek agreed as he took the final bite and smiled.

"I hope you saved room for desert." Derek told her with a smile. "Your favorite, strawberry cheesecake." Derek pointed out as the waiter walked towards them with a slice in his hand.

"Oh my..." Meredith moaned as she looked at the dessert. It looked delectable, but she wasn't sure that she could take a bite of anything. "It looks wonderful... But..." Meredith muttered as the waiter took their plates and walked away.

"I think I could help you." Derek agreed as he grabbed a fork and took one small bite of the cheesecake. It was lighter and fluffier than the New York style he was accustomed to. The vanilla wafer crust was distinctive and the perfect mate. "The rest is yours." Derek told her as he pushed the plate towards her.

"Not nice, Derek... You know I will eat it." She told him with a giggle as she accepted the plate and began taking dainty bite after dainty bite. When she finished, she dabbed her face with the crisp white table napkin. "See, I told you I would." She told him as she held her over stuffed stomach.

"You enjoyed it." Derek told her frankly as he placed his credit card in the leather book and handed it to the waiter.

"I did." Meredith agreed with a smile as she looked into his eyes. For a short second, everything seemed so perfect. Things were right in the world. For a second, she forgot that her family was in danger. It was just a second. She enjoyed it all. They were perfect. And now they had to go home. They had no idea what was awaiting them.

**OH NO! Did you see that coming?**


	48. Pitch Black

Derek watched Meredith from the corner of his eye. Meredith was watching the traffic go by as she ringed her hands nervously. She couldn't get to Liam fast enough. She felt that she was the only one that could protect her son. She was the only one that knew the true danger that they were all in. She knew she had to get him in her arms and not let go, even if that meant severe pain. She had to protect him. He was her only child.

"Are you okay?" Derek finally asked with a frown. He knew that pretending that nothing was wrong wasn't going to help him. He had tried that earlier and it did nothing. She had never opened up to him. "You are doing that thing with your hands." He pointed out as he looked at them. As soon as she heard those words come from his mouth, she stopped and pretended she was doing nothing.

"Hmm?" Meredith asked as she looked over. It was her innocent face, reserved for the times when she really needed it. "What?"

"Fine. Don't tell me. But eventually, you need to tell me. You know that, right?" Derek asked with a small smirk, knowing that he was right. "I will wait. I will wait for you to tell me."

"Okay." Meredith giggled as she looked over. "There is nothing to tell. If you think you need to wait, you can wait. Wait forever." She added as he pulled down Harper Lane. She looked at the houses so close together. She liked their home in the middle of their own acreage.

"Meredith... You are so full of shit. When are you going to learn that I know you better than you know yourself?" Derek asked as he pulled up in front of the house and looked at it. It was lit up softly and looked occupied. Meredith looked at it and wondered if Craig had spent the night watching it.

"I can't wait to see him. I thought about him all night." Meredith explained as she walked to the door, Derek right behind her. Just as Meredith knocked at the door, it opened. She was praying that Izzie didn't say too much. She was hoping Izzie didn't let Derek in on what could be going on.

"He is asleep. How was your date?" Izzie asked as she shut the door behind them as they walked in.

"It was perfect." Meredith said with a nod, and eyes that let Izzie know to keep her mouth shut. Izzie looked at her and huffed, knowing she should say something to Derek.

"that's good." Izzie said with a smile as she walked over to the sofa where Liam was sleeping soundly. Meredith got down on the floor and gave him a soft kiss. "Where did you go?" Izzie asked as she looked down.

"The Capital Grille." Meredith told her with a smile. She looked up at Derek. "Derek, I think we need to get him home. He needs to get into his bed." She told him with a nod and a smile as she rubbed his soft cheek.

"I think you are right." Derek agreed as he walked over and picked Liam up. The boy flopped in Derek's arms as he flopped like a rag doll. Derek gave his sleeping son a soft kiss. "Izzie, thank you so much for taking him. We really needed it." Derek told her with a grateful smile as he walked towards the door.

"Thanks, Iz..." Meredith said as she turned and looked at her. Derek exited the house and walked to the car. Just as Meredith went to walk out, Izzie grabbed her arm to stop her.

"What's going on?" Izzie asked as she held her there. "Is everything alright?" She asked as she looked into Meredith's eyes. Meredith knew she would have to do a good job lying if she was going to make it work.

"It's fine, Iz... It really is." Meredith told her happily. She really believed it. She had her son. He was safe in his father's arm and all was good. "Thank you so much."

"Not a problem. Have a good night." Izzie told her as she shut the door.

Meredith walked quickly to the car in the crisp air. It felt good. It was somewhat cold, but it was rejuvenating. The whole drive home, Meredith kept her eyes on her sleeping son. He was alive and in one place. She would do anything to keep it that way. She had to have Liam. She needed Derek, and she loved him. But Liam she could not live without. Liam she had to protect because he couldn't do it himself. She had to be his advocate.

"Home sweet home." Derek said with a smile as he put the car in the garage. Meredith quickly unbuckled and got out of the car to turn off the house alarm. It wasn't until she didn't hear the familiar beeping sound, that she realized that she had forgotten to put it on. She didn't say a word as she opened the door and began turning on lights.

"You should just put him to bed. Iz gave him a bath." Meredith said as she walked in and placed her purse on the table by the door. She gave Liam a soft kiss while Derek held him for her. A sigh escaped her lips as she watched Derek carry their son away.

Meredith hurried to her room and slipped out of her dress and into a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt. She had to get out of her dress clothes. She quickly jogged down the stairs, leaving Derek to put their son down. He deserved the alone time. Meredith walked over and sat on the sofa. She just needed a moment. She needed a moment to catch her breath and relax. She felt relaxed and at peace in her home with Derek and her son. She laid her head back and closed her eyes as she listened to Derek's loud footsteps coming down the stairs. She sighed as she felt him take a seat next to her.

"It was good, Derek. Thank you." Meredith told him as she opened her eyes and looked into his. It was like a magnet. It was hard to pull away.

"You never need to thank me." Derek told her as he looked at her.

Their eyes met and there was no pulling away. Meredith couldn't. There was a connection that was undeniable. In Derek's eyes, she was amazing. In his heart, she was his everything. There was no question that she felt the exact same way. Neither could look away. Neither could blink. It was too strong.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, their lips met. Derek brushed his lips softly against hers, content with the sensations of her soft lips against his. She moaned softly at his gentle touch, feeling his hands move slowly from her hips. Derek brushed her sides, and then cupped her face in his large hands.

Derek ran his tongue over her bottom lip. Meredith sighed as she parted her mouth slightly, running her hands over the muscles of his back and shoulders. She slid her hands up his neck and finally reached his dark locks. As she grazed his scalp with her nails, she heard a groan from him. Derek forced his tongue past her teeth and took control. He ran his tongue along the roof of her mouth as she arched her back, pressing her chest into him. All Meredith could think was how badly she needed him. In that moment, all the bad memories were erased as she only remembered the pleasure they had shared. Meredith fell back on the sofa as Derek laid over her, pushing his hard cock against her soft mound. Meredith could feel the heat rising as she felt her need rise.

"Dadaaaa!" Liam screamed loudly. Derek quickly pulled away and sat up. Liam was screaming loudly. Meredith sighed as she sat there. She knew that the boy had bad dreams occasionally.

"Get us some wine. I will comfort the boy." Derek said with a smile as he walked off. It was his son. Even if he had ruined a perfect moment, there would be another.

"Sounds good." Meredith said with a nod as she walked into the kitchen. She heard Liam's cries stop and a relieved smile came over her face. Meredith grabbed a bottle of Merlot and walked over to the counter. Just as she reached in the drawer to grab the wine opener, she felt it. Hot breath on her neck. Hot and sinister.

"Move, and I will kill you." Craig growled into her ear. Her heart stopped. She felt the bottle of wine slip from her hands and crash to the floor, a mixture of liquid and glass, running through the crevices of the brick floor.

Meredith was thinking. For the first time in a long time, she was thinking. She was in a panic, but she was thinking. She felt Craig's cold hand on her arm. She felt him ready to rip it our of it's socket once again. He looked down at the partially opened drawer. She made a mad, but controlled grab for the santoku knife. Just as she raised it, he shoved her hard. She quickly shoved it in her pants. She would only use it if she needed to.

"You listen to me..." Craig breathed as he shoved her into the countertop. Meredith felt the knife press into the flesh of her abdomen as it was forced between her and the countertop. The wine was all over her legs, glass particles digging into her feet. "You are a whore. Do you know how sick you make me? I have to sit here an watch you whore yourself out to him?" Craig seethed as he shoved her again. Meredith felt the knife pierce her skin again. There was no way she could get the knife out now. She would have to wait. She couldn't get to it.

"Derek is upstairs..." Meredith said frankly as she felt him press his full body against hers.

"Mer! Are you okay?" Derek yelled from the top of the stairs. "I thought I heard a crash..."

"If you don't tell him you are okay... You will get it right here." He told her as he grasped her neck tightly. "You will die right here."

"I'm- I'm fine! I just... Um... I just dropped the bottle, that's all." Meredith explained as she waited for him to respond. She was praying he would come down. She was willing him to come down with her mind.

"Okay... I'll be down in a minute." He shouted as he turned and walked back down the hallway. Meredith frowned. She felt like her hope had gone out the window. She felt as if her chance of surviving was gone.

"Good job... Now. I see it as we could go one of two ways here. Either you can come with me now... You can forget this life, and come with me. Or I can kill you. Your choice." He said frankly as he breathed heavily into her neck.

Meredith didn't respond. She didn't ever try. She couldn't talk. All she could think about was Derek and Liam. She couldn't leave them, and she couldn't die. She was in a no win situation at this point and she needed to get out. She began breathing heavily as the panic set in. She was scared. She was more scared than she had ever been. She finally mustered up the courage to speak. She spoke for Liam.

"I will go with you." She said as she let her body go limp. She would fight and she would scream, but she had to do it when he least expected it. "I will go. Just don't hurt Derek or Liam." Meredith said with a sigh.

"Your precious fucking Derek..." Craig said in a low chuckle. "Fuck him. Let's go." He told her as he grabbed her arm and began dragging her. Meredith let him get to the back door. He opened it hastily. She knew at that point that it had been his point of entry. She never locked it after he rushed out earlier. Just as they made it out the back door, she decided that was it. She would end this.

"DEREK!" She screamed as loudly as she could. "Derek! Help! Help me!" She shouted. She looked up at Craig, who was in shock. Craig quickly raised his fist Meredith saw it comeing. He quickly cocked it back, and punched her as hard as he could in the face. Everything went black.

"Stupid cunt!" He yelled as he as she fell. He quickly grabbed her by the hair and dragged her across the grass. Meredith's limp body bounced across the uneven earth. Her feet dragged across collecting dirt, grass and leaves. Craig smiled as he looked up at the lit up house. He could see in, but Derek couldn't see him. Craig pulled her into the woods. What to do with her now?

Derek heard the crash. He heard the sound of glass hitting their brick floor. It was loud enough that Liam jumped and opened his eyes. Little did Derek know that it was Craig. Little did Derek know that Craig was getting ready to hurt his wife. Perhaps Liam's dream was a premonition of sorts. Perhaps he knew his mother was in danger. Derek grabbed a whimpering Liam and walked to the top of the stairs.

"Mer! Are you okay?" Derek yelled from the top of the stairs. He paused and listened, hearing nothing. Nothing but his son's soft whimpering and silence. "I thought I heard a crash..."

"I'm- I'm fine! I just... Um... I just dropped the bottle, that's all." He heard Meredith say. He shook his head. She was always doing things like that. She was always clumsy.

"Okay... I'll be down in a minute." Derek shouted as he turned and walked back down the hallway. He needed to get Liam asleep. He wanted to spend time with her. He wanted her to know that he really was there. Just as Derek placed Liam in the crib, he heard something that shook him to the core. His eyes flashed open. It was her. His Meredith.

"DEREK!" He heard her yell. "Derek! Help! Help me!" She shouted. It was different. It was panicked. She was in distress. Derek quickly rushed out of the room. As quickly as he could, he barreled down the stairs, taking two at a time. He heard nothing but his own loud breaths as he hit the floor and ran to the kitchen. Derek looked at the wine running all over. Through the cracks and crevices. Like blood.

It was Craig. At that moment, he knew it was Craig. He looked around in a panic, screaming her name over and over. After all this, he couldn't lose her. Not after the fight. Not when they seemed to be looking up. Just as he ran through the house, he noticed something. A breeze. The door was open. Derek rushed out.

"Where are you, you son-of-a-bitch? I will kill you!" He screamed. He had no idea where to look. No idea at all. It was pitch black, and he couldn't see a thing.

**OH NO!**


	49. Death

Derek grasped his cellphone and held it to his ear. It was a panicked call, not making much sense. He explained that Craig was there and Meredith was gone. He shouted about a restraining order. He managed to get their address out, but that was it. He was running aimlessly around and around as he shut his phone and shoved it in his pocket. He ran towards the front yard, looking for a car. He had heard nothing. He had no idea how this happened. No idea at all.

Derek couldn't imagine his life without Meredith in it. Sure, he had been without her for the past several months. Sure, they were technically divorced and their marriage was over. But she was in his heart. She was around. He could see her. On occasion, he could even touch her. Thoughts ran through his head. If he lost her, he couldn't go on. He couldn't bear a world without her.

An hour earlier, Derek felt like they were finally on track. Derek felt like they had made it. He felt like they were getting somewhere and that all of the hope that had been gone was renewed. It made him sick that they were losing it all. Everything that he had just an hour earlier was gone. Derek ran up the driveway, looking for a car. Any sign of life. Or at least, movement. He saw none.

Meredith laid there. She was lifeless. She was unconscious. It was the perfect rest. She was in peace as she laid in the cold damp leaves. Craig stood over her body, contemplating what he would do with her. He could take her, but not without Derek seeing. He had backed himself into a corner and he couldn't get out. Not with her. Maybe himself, but not with her.

"Now what?" Craig said frankly as he stood there. He was angry, frustrated and irate. "Now what do you expect to do with her?"

"This wasn't supposed to happen." Craig told himself as he began to pace as he looked down at her. "She was supposed to come with me."

"Well she didn't, did she? You failed! You failed again. Not that I expected anything more from you. You have been failing all of your life. You make me sick, Craig. You make me so fucking sick." He said in disgust.

"I tried! I just wanted her to love me. I thought she would leave Derek and she and I could start a family. She was supposed to love me. Why couldn't she just love me?" Craig asked as he rubbed his hands over his face and began to sob.

Meredith felt herself coming to reality. Her head was pounding. She felt as if she had been placed in a log splitter. She couldn't take the pain. She could feel blood trickling down her cheek, but she didn't open her eyes. She felt the cold wet leaves on her arms. They were sticking to her flesh. She could feel the itch on her skin that they were causing. She wanted to scratch it, but something told her not to. She could feel the wetness of her pajamas and her shirt. She was soaking wet and had no idea why. Just as she went to move, she heard Craig talking. He was talking to someone. The longer she listened, the sooner she realized, he was talking to himself.

"No one can love you! Look at you! You are not worthy of love." Craig shouted to himself as he tapped his foot on the ground.

"I can fix this. She just needs to know I care. I can fix this." Craig pointed out with a nod as he looked down at Meredith.

"There is no fixing this. You can't take her. You can't take her now. Do you really think she will be your family? She is wrapped up in that cock-sucker Derek Shepherd. She doesn't want you. Even if you tried to take her, she would run. You will never be able to trust a cunt like her. She is a worthless bitch and you are wasting your fucking time." Craig said as he looked down at her. He fought the urge to stomp her face it. He would make the other Craig be the bad guy. He had to show he was man enough to do it.

"So what do we do?" He asked as he looked down. He just wanted to touch her. He wanted to stroke her cheek and kiss her softly. She was his love, and she would never know how much she meant to him. He would never understand why she couldn't love him. He just wanted her to love him.

"We will kill her. You kill her." Craig said with a nod as he looked around. He wasn't sure which way to go. He saw a large log. Maybe he should beat her to death. He decided the better. He would make Craig strangle her. He would watch as he choked the life from his supposed love. "It's the only way. We can't get out. If you love her... you will kill her. Kill her! Choke her! Kill her now!"

"I don't want to! I can't! I love her... I can't choke her!" Craig cried as he looked down at her. He just wanted to shield her from him. He needed to save her.

"If you don't kill her, I will. If you love her, you will kill her." He warned as he walked towards her. Craig panicked and looked up.

"Okay! I'll kill her! I'll do it." Craig said as he looked down at her lifeless body.

Meredith panicked. She knew she had to save herself. She had to get away from him. He was severely troubled. She didn't want to kill him. She wanted him to get help. He needed help. As she laid there thinking about her escape, she listened, trying to figure out where he was. Just as she go ready to move, she felt a shooting pain in her head. She quickly grabbed it and yelped.

"Kill her!" Craig yelled loudly. Meredith looked up in a panic. She quickly kicked Craig in the leg and tried to climb to her feet. Just as she did, she felt him grab her and pull her down. She climbed into the fetal position as he kicked her. No escape. She would die here. She was sure of it. And Derek, he was on the edge of the property. He was no where around. She would die there. Just like that.

Meredith felt the knife sharp blade stabbing into her abdomen. She was doing it to herself. The position that she laid in, only dug in deeper and deeper. She could feel the piercing pains in her abdomen and back as he kicked over and over. She felt one sharp blow to her head and cried out. She knew that she had to save herself. It was either save herself or die there.

It only took her a second to make the choice. She grabbed the knife from her pants and raised it up. Just as Craig went for another blow, she stopped it. She thrust the knife deep into his flesh, going into the muscle just alongside his shin bone. She did not abandon the knife as she pulled it back out. She would need it. They never went down. Not without a fight.

"Ahhh! You fucking bitch!" Craig screamed as he felt the pain rip through his leg. A generous amount of blood was pouring from the fresh wound and soaking his jeans. Meredith took the pause as a means for escape. She climbed to her feet and began to run. She just needed to escape. She didn't want to hurt him. He was already damaged in the head. He needed help, not death. "No fucking way!" Craig screamed.

"Just let her go!" Craig screamed to himself. He loved her, and although she had just caused him a great deal of pain, he couldn't see hurting her back.

"If you don't kill her, I will." Craig screamed as he ran after her. Meredith ran hard and fast, unsure of how he was staying with her. She could hear his heavy breathing right behind her ear. She could hear him like the ultimate predator coming in for the kill.

"Please, no!" Meredith sobbed as she ran. She was getting tired. The blows to her body were catching up to her and the dizziness from her head wound was taking over. "Please don't hurt me." Meredith tried to run harder, just as she cleared the wooded area, she felt herself hit a log. She stumbled over it hard and fell face first into the cold wet dirt.

Craig was making headway as she fell. He was so close that when she went down, he stepped on her leg and went over her. Meredith laid beneath is heavy body in distress. Craig looked down at her evilly. Her pain was immense, covering her whole body. She was gasping for breath as he laid on her, laboring her breathing. She took in a breath, feeling herself fading. She was fighting. She had to fight.

"Choke her." Craig said frankly as he looked down. He quickly wrapped his hands around her tiny neck and began to squeeze. Meredith gasped and thrashed, feeling her life fading away. Just then, she remembered the knife. It's cold handle still in her hand. She brought her hand back and closed her eyes, thrusting into whatever she could. "Son of a bitch." He screamed as he choked her harder. Meredith opened her eyes in horror. She had stabbed him in the eye.

"Oh my god!" She cried out as she looked at the blood pouring out. She was in a panic. She felt her stomach churn as she looked at the mess. She felt Craig's grip tighten in anger. Now he was going to kill her.

"I will kill you, bitch. You will be fucking dead." Craig told her as he looked at her. He was still going. The eye did not know pain, and he was still killing.

"Not today!" Meredith screamed as she raised her arm back and began stabbing. She closed her eyes and continually thrust the blade, feeling the sensation of warm blood over her body. It was spraying her like an evil rain. Spraying like acid upon her delicate flesh.

"Oh..." Craig groaned as he loosened his grip and fell on her. Meredith gasped as his weight pushed the air from her body and would not allow her to breath. "Oh...Mer..." He moaned as the blood poured from his mouth.

Meredith began crying as she realized what happened. She was in a panic. She was sure he was going to flash open his eyes and try to get her again. Meredith pushed his body as hard as she could and rolled him onto his back. She could see him waking up. In reality, he was far gone. He was dead. But she could see it. He was breathing. He was coming back. He was waking up. He was coming to get her. He would lift his arms and go in for the kill once again.

Meredith quickly climbed over his body and straddled him. She thrust the blade repeatedly. Blood poured out from his wounds as she continued to strike over and over again. She had to make sure he was dead. She had to make sure he was really gone. She couldn't risk him waking up and taking him from Derek and her son.

Derek could hear the screaming. It was getting louder and louder as he ran towards the wooded area. He could hear Craig yelling and Meredith pleading. He ran as quickly as he could. He needed to save her. He ignored the flashing lights of the police pulling onto their property. Derek sprinted across the manicured lawn and into the woods. As he neared, he could see her in the moonlight. She was black. Completely black. She he ran up to her, she saw what she had done. It was blood. She was covered in blood and continually thrusting the blade as if her life depended on it.

"Mer...He's gone baby... He's gone." Derek told her as he grabbed her arm.

"No... No.. He could get up. He could..." Meredith cried as she ripped the blade away from him and started stabbing. "He wants to kill me..." She yelled as she thrust into him again.

"Meredith!" Derek screamed as he ripped the knife from her hand and tossed it aside. Meredith looked at him in shock. She quickly looked at her hands and then down at his body.

"Oh my god!" She screamed as she looked. What had she done? "Oh my god! Derek!" Meredith cried as she fell off of Craig and into Derek's open arms. "Oh my god!" She repeated as she began to sob.

"It's okay, Mer... He's gone. He can't hurt you anymore." He told her as he kissed her head. Derek ignored the blood that was soaking from her clothes onto his. All he could do was hold her. There were no words that could comfort her as she shook.

Derek could hear the police up by the house. He needed to call them, but he needed a moment with her. He needed a moment to let her know that she was okay. He knew they would be battering her with questions. They may be questions that she couldn't handle, and questions that he couldn't answer. He knew keeping them away wouldn't look good. He needed to yell. He needed them to come.

"Over here!" Derek screamed as he pushed her head into his chest. He wanted to shield her from the world. He needed to shield her from what was to come. He knew there was no way to do that. "Over here!"

The police came running. Derek felt sick. He knew it was self-defense, but he also knew that Meredith was soaked in blood. She had stabbed him over and over, leaving no chance for life. It was overkill and he was worried. He was concerned that this was going to look like more than what it was.

"Oh my god." He heard one of the officers say as they ran up with high powered flashlights. The bright light shown on the deep red blood, pouring from teh body and soaking the ground. "Wow."

"He was going to kill me... He was going to kill me... He was going to kill me..." She repeated over and over again as she rocked in Derek's arms. Derek's heart was broken. This is the last thing she needed, and the last thing she deserved.

"What happened? Are you the person who called?" And officer asked Derek. It was apparent that she was in mental distress and they would not be able to talk to her. "What happened here?" He asked as he looked down. He knew that Derek needed to move, but Meredith was clung so tightly to him, that was not going to happen.

The other officers went through their job, searching for the knife and checking the body. Meredith closed her eyes and rocked methodically as she whimpered. Derek stroked her hair and rubbed her back as he sat on the cold wet ground. The offer stood there, waiting for something. Any kind of change. The way she was, no one could get through to her.

"We went to dinner... We came home... Everything was fine. We were having a good time. Our son started to fuss... Oh my god! My son! Liam is in the house alone. He is upstairs alone." Derek said in a panic. He didn't know what to do. He needed to rush up and and check on him. He needed to make sure his son was okay. He looked down at Meredith, who refused to let him go.

"I will send an officer up to the house to check on him." The officer said as he ordered someone. Derek watched as the officer ran up to the house and disappeared inside. "Go on... What happened?"

"I'm not sure. I went upstairs to check on my son. Everything was fine. I think he was already in the house when we came home. I didn't hear her turn off the alarm... I am sure that he was in the house when we came home. I'm sure of it. She wouldn't have opened the door to him. No way. I was just getting Liam relaxed and I heard a bottle of wine drop. She had went to get wine. I asked her if she was okay... She said yes... She wasn't. He was there and she said yes..." Derek said as he felt the tears prick his eyes. If he had just walked down and checked for himself. "I- I heard her scream. She yelled for me. By the time I got down there, she was gone. They were gone. I looked everywhere... Everywhere..." Derek muttered as he looked off into space. He would never forget what the scene looked like. Craig on the ground, Meredith thrusting the blade over and over again.

"Does he have identification on him? Do we know his name?" The officer asked the officer who was searching his body.

"Dr. Craig Kovac." Derek and the officer both said at the same time. The officer looked at Derek, awaiting an explanation.

"Like he deserves that title." Derek muttered as he looked at him. He hated the man more than anything in the world. "She had a restraining order against him. They had a court date coming up. He hurt her. A few weeks back... He beat her. And he's done it again." Derek cried as he looked at him and then at her.

"He was going to kill me... He was going to kill me... He was going to kill me..." She repeated again and again. "He was crazy. He went crazy. He was going to kill me..." She sobbed without looking up.

"She needs to be examined." The officer said as he placed his hand on her. "Ma'am..."

"Don't touch me!" She screamed as she lashed out at him. "Don't touch me!" She cried as she shook.

"It's okay, Mer... It's okay." Derek told her as he rubbed her back and kissed her gently on her head. "Give her some time. Just give the woman some fucking time." Derek growled. The officer look at him and nodded. She was troubled. That was for sure.


	50. Always

Derek held her and wondered just how they would get through this. He knew Meredith. He had known her for years. He felt like he had known her a lifetime. He knew her well enough to consider it a lifetime. He knew everything there was to know about her. He knew her likes and dislikes. He knew her personality. He knew everything about her. Most of all, he knew that she was not a killer. Not unless she had to be.

"We need to move the body." The officer said as they approached with a body bag. Craig was still laying there. His life was gone. A brother, gone. A son, gone. A world renowned doctor, gone. An abuser, gone. A man that was determined to hurt Meredith Grey... That man was gone.

Meredith watched as they walked up with a body bag. It made her sick. He was dead. A man that she almost saw a future with. A man that she actually liked. A man that seemed to be such a great friend. She was so conflicted. Killing was not something she believed in, and yet there she was. She was in that position. He was insane and she had to kill him to save herself. She felt sick. Just plain sick.

"Mer... We need to move." Derek told her as he gripped her tightly. Meredith didn't say a word. She didn't move. She didn't react. There was nothing. Derek drew in a breath, gripped her tightly and pulled himself to his feet.

"We really need to get her examined. She will need to go to the hospital. Her injuries will need to go into the report." They told him with a nod. Derek looked at her and wondered what he should do.

"Mer... We need to go to the hospital." Derek explained as he stood there, holding her in his arms. She was light, and he could hold her forever. He needed to hold her as much as she needed him to hold her. "Do you hear me, Mer?"

"Liam." Meredith whimpered as she thought about her son. She started to panic. Liam was in the house alone. Meredith began to struggle to get free from his arms.

"Calm down... He's okay, Mer. He is just fine. You aren't in any state to take care of him right now." Derek told her frankly as he looked at her. He knew she had injuries, and he had no idea how bad they really were.

"I need to see him. I need to see him. What if he got him? What if Craig got him?" Meredith shouted as she trashed as pulled herself from Derek's grip. He had to let her go, he wouldn't hold her when she was fighting him.

"Mer!" Derek yelled as he chased after her. She wasn't able to run fast. She wasn't able to get far. The pain was taking her over and it was taking her over quick. As she neared the house, she dropped hard and fell to the ground in a pile. "Oh my god!"

"It hurts! Derek... It- It hurts!" She cried as she laid there. She could feel stabbing pains and a burning sensation all over her body. She laid there, not moving until help ran up.

"She needs a stretcher. I need to ride with her, but I need to take my son. I need help. We need help. I- I will call her mother. I need to call someone to come stay with Liam." Derek explained as he pulled out his phone. "She needs help. She is in pain. She needs help." He shouted as he rubbed her head.

Derek made the phone call to a shocked Ellis. It was one of the hardest calls he ever had to make. He couldn't tell any details. Everything was tentative. There was still no indubitable story on exactly what had happened. He couldn't tell her anything. He could only tell her that something had happened and that they were okay, but she needed to come watch Liam. It left more questions than answers.

"I will have an officer stay here until they get here." The officer explained, hearing Derek say that both Ellis and Richard were on their way.

"Okay." Derek agreed. He had to agree. He had to get Meredith to the hospital. As much as he wanted to stay with Liam, and as much as he hated to leave him behind, he knew he had to go with Meredith. He was hoping that the officer could manage to take care of his sleeping son. He knew that Liam usually slept the whole night and rarely woke up. "Meredith... I know you don't want to go, but you need to."

Meredith nodded her head gently as she laid there. The medics quickly sat her on the stretcher and took her towards the ambulance. They had already taken Craig's body away and they were now taking pictures of the crime scene. Meredith's eyes remained closed as they took her away. Partially out of pain, and partially out of fear. Derek was glad she wasn't looking around. He was glad that she was closing herself off from what had happened. It was far too traumatic.

"What hurts, Mer?" Derek asked as he stroked her hair. They were checking her stats and looking over her as she laid lifelessly, her body bouncing around from the rough ride to the hospital. Meredith didn't say a word as she laid there in immense physical and mental pain.

The medics tried to examine her and all she would do was draw herself into the fetal position. She didn't want anyone touching her but Derek. It broke his heart. They had gotten so far, and now she was lower down than he had ever seen. It was like she was completely gone. There was nothing left. She was that forest fire that went out of control. It was a complete burn. Everything was gone, and now they had to rebuild. Usually the re-growth is even more beautiful than the original. That was what he was hoping for.

"Wait a minute... You brought her here?" Derek said quickly as he looked up. They were at the emergency entrance at Seattle Grace. This he was not happy about. Not happy at all.

"This is the closest hospital. We were told to bring her here." They told him frankly. They seemed annoyed by the fact that Derek was trying to pick and choose where and when she went.

"No. This won't work. She works here. He works here. I work here." Derek told him frankly. "She can't go in there like this!" He spat angrily.

"We have to do what we have to do." They told him with a nod as they threw open the doors. Derek gasped as he looked up to see Bailey standing there with George.

"We need a blanket, Miranda. We need to shield her." Derek told her with a frown. He looked down at Meredith. Every time he looked at her, he was shocked. He was shocked at the red blood seeping through her clothes. He had deep red blood all over himself from the transfer.

"Oh my ever loving- Oh my... George! You heard the man. Go O'Malley... Now!" Miranda looked at Meredith in shock. There wasn't an inch of her body or clothing that didn't have blood on it. She was coated. It was even in her matted hair. Her eyes traveled to Derek, who was also covered. She had no idea what was going on, but she knew it wasn't good. "Oh my..." Was all she could repeat. She was in a state of shock.

"She- They can't see her like this." Derek explained as he rubbed her head. She was catatonic. She wasn't making a move. She wasn't responding to his touch. She was completely numb to the world. And Derek had no idea what was going on in her head.

"No, they can't." Miranda Bailey agreed as she climbed into the ambulance and looked over Meredith. She listened as they spat out her stats. Miranda nodded her head and rubbed Meredith gently with her gloved hand. "You're okay..." Miranda told her softly. "She will be okay."

"I-" Derek said as he shook his head and turned away. He wasn't sure. In fact, he was sure that she wouldn't be okay. He was sure that she was going to go downhill so hard and fast that he would never be able to catch her. Derek felt the tears coming to his eyes. This never should have happened.

"Here!" George said as he ran up with a dark colored blanket. it took him forever to find one dark enough that if the blood seeped through, that it couldn't be seen. Miranda grabbed the blanket from his hands and spread it over Meredith, who was in the fetal position.

"You keep your mouth shut, O'Malley. And this case does not need interns." She warned as they began to pull her out of the bus. Miranda handed Derek a gown to throw on over his clothing. An officer followed them as they quickly wheeled her into a trauma room and shut the door and blinds.

Miranda, George, the officer and Derek all stood in the room. Miranda felt a knot form in her stomach as she pulled the dark blanket off of her. George's eyes got wide as he looked at his friend laying in blood. No one knew if it was her own injuries or the blood from Craig. Meredith's eyes shot open and she pulled the blanket back over herself and started screaming. The officer quickly began writing down notes as he stood discreetly to the side.

"No! No!" She cried out as she began to sob. "Don't touch me!" She added as she pulled her knees to her chest.

"Can you touch her?" Miranda asked as she looked over at Derek. Derek shrugged his shoulders and walked up. He felt nauseous. He was ready to empty the contents of his stomach at any time. Miranda stepped back, along with George. Derek gently pulled back her blanket.

"NO! Get off of me!" She screamed and kicked as she looked at Derek with wide eyes. It broke Derek's heart to see her like that. It broke him to see her suffering so badly. He knew that pushing her would only make her worse. Derek quickly covered her back up with her security blanket.

"I think she may need to be sedated." Derek said regrettably. He didn't not want to have to sedate her, but no one had had a good look at her injuries. She wouldn't let anyone close enough to even touch her. Derek had managed to touch her earlier, but now she was refusing anyone.

"I think you are right. I'll get the Haloperidol." Miranda said with a frown. She didn't want to have to do it. Meredith being in the room screaming her head off wouldn't do anything to help out the rumor mill. They needed to assess her injuries. She needed to be examined. Miranda dropped her head and walked out. Derek stared at Meredith, resisting the urge to touch her. He wanted to so badly.

"How much are you giving her?" Derek asked as he watched her draw it up. It made him sick that they had to do it.

"5mg." Miranda said as she tapped it and looked at him. "You need to hold her down." She told him under her breath. Derek walked towards her, waving for George to go to the other side. George nodded as he followed along. "Now." She said as they grabbed Meredith. She began screaming loudly as Miranda injected her. Derek held Meredith until she began to close her eyes.

"I didn't want to have to do it." Miranda said as she pulled the blanket off. Miranda slowly lifted her shirt and they all gasped.

"Holy shit." Derek said as he pushed on the wounds on her abdomen. She had several lacerations, ranging in size and depth. "I can't believe this." Derek cried out. He quickly turned away and rushed to the trash can. He couldn't take the pain and sickness that was overtaking his body. The man hurt his wife and he couldn't even save her. Miranda and George passed no judgement as Derek retched continually into the trash. Derek walked over to the sink, rinsing his mouth and face then wiping himself with a paper towel.

"This is unbelievable." Miranda said in shock as she pulled Meredith's pajama pants down. She tossed them to the side and listened to them smack the floor from being drenched in blood. George went to work on her shirt. They all felt sick as they looked at her bloody body. She was soaked.

"That fucking bastard." Derek said under his breath as he looked at her. Meredith's eyes were closed and for the first time in hours she looked completely at rest. "Is that-"

"I think it's the sole of a boot." George offered softly. The officer came up with a camera and started taking shots. Derek wanted to scream. He wanted to stop him, but he knew that this was really for the best. They didn't need anyone saying that this was her fault. They all felt the tears come to their eyes. There was no stopping it, they were feeling all of the pain that she was feeling. "Is she going to need a full work-up?" George asked as he looked up at Miranda.

"Yes. This has got to stay discreet." Miranda told him with a clenched jaw. "I want no one to see. No one." She reiterated. "She needs an MRI and a chest x-ray." She told him with a nod. "Don't worry about cleaning her up until after we see what the hell is going on in there... This needs stitched." Miranda told him as they began to debride the wound. Derek stood at her head and stroked her hair. Her hair was full of crusted blood and dirt.

"Okay." George said as he watched Miranda working gently on her. Derek would have liked to see Mark do the stitches, but he knew that Miranda could handle it and leave a minimal scar.

"I want to go with her. I need to." Derek told her softly. Miranda nodded her head. She knew that she couldn't argue. Derek was the bed thing for Meredith, not to mention, he would be the one looking over her head scans. Derek watched as she continued her stitches.

"What happened?" Miranda finally asked. She wanted to know. George wanted to know too, but neither had wanted to say anything.

"I can't-" Derek said as he gasped for air. "I can't even talk about it. It's- I can't." He told her frankly. Miranda gave him a look of disappointment.

"If you want me to treat her, I need to know exactly what happened." Miranda told him. "They only told use that she had possible injuries."

"I don't know what happened to her... That bastard dragged her into the woods. He dragged her... And I have no idea. He hurt her. He was going to kill her. He was going to kill her and she killed him first." Derek finally spat as he looked down at her. As gruesome as it was, he was glad that she killed him before he killed her. He glad to have his Meredith. He just wondered what that was going to do to her head.

"Oh my god!" Miranda said in utter shock. "Him? Dr.- She killed Craig Kovac?" Miranda said as she looked down at Meredith and then up at Derek. George didn't utter a word, but he was obviously astonished.

"She had to. He was going to kill her first. He was going to kill her." Derek said in disgust as he stroked her hair quickly. He kept moving quicker and quicker as he got more and more unnerved. "He would have killed her."

Miranda did a thorough check over Meredith. It broke her heart to see a girl that she knew so well in such bad shape. She wanted to make sure she did everything she could to do her justice. The officer took notes and pictures of every single wound that they could see. They all decided that after she was cleaned up, he would need to assess her again.

Derek stood there as they began taking the MRI of Meredith. She went through a battery of tests and Derek was thankful that her brain was okay. She had no swelling and only a small hematoma that they could see. He was sure that it would dissolve quickly. When they looked at her x-rays, they found three broken ribs. Her left wrist was fractured, and of course he shoulder injury was worse. It was bad, but they were all thankful that

"She needs a bath. She needs this blood washed off." Derek said sadly. To him, until the blood was gone, she was still a victim. She could not heal until the blood was washed off. "I would like to shower her." He told her frankly. "After the sedation wears off, I would like to shower her."

"Derek... I really don't think that is a good idea. I can have someone come in here and bathe her. She needs a cast on her wrist, and she cannot support her own weight." Miranda told him with a nod.

"I need to, Miranda. I will be the one bathing her. No one else will be. I will do it." Derek told her frankly. "This is my wife. I will take care of her." She would always be his wife. Always.


	51. The Fight

Derek looked at Meredith on the bed. He grabbed the towel and soaked it with water. He had tested the water three times over. He wanted it just perfect. Not too hot, not too cold. He wanted to take a shower, but he couldn't. He couldn't give her a shower. She was too heavily sedated and he couldn't support her. It broke his heart that they were even at this point. He never thought there would be a day that he would be bathing her in a hospital bed. He never thought she would be a victim. Not like this.

Derek looked up at the closed door. He told everyone to stay out. It was the middle of the night, and thank god, George was the only resident on-call that Meredith knew well. She was not ready for a rush of her friends. She wasn't ready for a rush of anyone. Derek let the tears fall as he cleaned the blood off of her. It was caked on. She looked so dirty. She was covered in the man. She was covered in a man that wanted her dead. It made him sick. He was all over her, and Derek had to get him off.

Her body looked so weak. She had been gaining weight back. She had been looking good. At the moment, she was covered in sadness and pain. There were so many unknowns. She needed a psych consult. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew it was true. They couldn't keep giving her Haldol, without a consult. He had no idea what was going to come of this. If earlier had been any indicator, she was not going to recover easily.

"Oh, Mer..." Derek said softly as he ran his hand down her cheek. His heart was broken. The man had hurt her repeatedly, and even during his final time out, he had damaged her so deeply, Derek was wondering if he would ever be able to bring her back. "What do we do, baby? You tell me. I will do anything." Derek said softly as he sobbed. "I will do anything to help you..." He cried out as he laid his head against her.

"Derek..." He heard Miranda say as she walked over and put her hand on his back. He found comfort in that hand. The small bit of compassion she was showing him was enough to give him the tiniest ray of hope. He felt for a second that they may be okay. "She will be okay." She told him as she grabbed the towel from his hand.

"What if she isn't, Miranda? You didn't see it. You didn't see her." Derek explained as he gasped for breath. The images forever haunted her mind. "She never stopped. She stabbed him over and over again. She couldn't stop herself." He told her as he shook his head and cried. He tried to suck it up but he couldn't.

"She had to, Derek. She had to save herself. That doesn't make her a monster. It makes her a survivor." Miranda explained as she rubbed his back. "You have got to get this blood off of yourself. You know I can't let you stay in here like that. I will finish bathing her. You need to take a shower. I don't care if you used to be chief. You will get that ass of yours in the shower." She stated boldly.

"If she wakes up..." Derek said softly as he looked over at Meredith who was in a peaceful sleep.

"She is not going to wake up yet... But if she does, you will be the first to know." Miranda stated with a nod. Derek drew in a breath. He knew the Haldol would be working for awhile, and he felt that he also needed to get the blood off of himself.

"Okay." Derek agreed as he looked up at her. "You let me know." He told her as he walked over and gave Meredith a soft kiss on the head. Miranda watched sadly as he disappeared from the room, shutting the door behind him. It broke her heart. She thought that they would be together forever. The divorce had shocked her. When she heard that Derek resigned, she had never been happier. And now, this had to happen. It made her stomach knot up.

"You poor sweet girl..." Miranda said with a frown as she stroked her hair. She had to get Meredith clean for Derek. Derek needed to see her looking like her old self, not a mess of blood and bruises. She couldn't make the bruises fade, but she could wash off some of the remnants. "You need to wake up and leave this all behind you. This is not worth it. That man is not worth it." She told her as she worked. Never did she see this coming. No way.

Derek walked down the dark hallway. He was glad that it was so late. He was glad that no one could see this broken man, walking down through the hospital, covered in blood, tear stains down his cheeks. He had never felt lower in his life. As a surgeon, he held people's fate in his hands. He held nothing at the moment. He couldn't save her. He couldn't change anything. That was the way he felt. She killed that man, and he took a huge piece of her when he went.

Derek peeled off his clothes and and tossed them in the trash. They were heavy with blood, dirt and sweat. He flipped on the steaming hot water and climbed in. He watched as the blood ran off of his body and turned pink as it hit the floor. It was a mixture of two victims. It ran down the drain as if it meant nothing, when it truly meant everything. Derek scrubbed his skin vigorously with the strong soap, attempting to peel the flesh from his body.

He was losing it all. If he had just went downstairs when the wine bottle broke. If he had just went downstairs and saved her. He should have run faster and searched longer. He should have been there. He was a failure. A failure as a husband. A failure as a father. A failure as the chief of surgery. He had failed life and he had failed her. Derek rested his hands against the wall of the shower and sobbed. He had lost it all. He lost it all so quickly. And he really wondered if he could get it back. And if he could, how long would it take?

--

The hospital was quiet. Derek always liked that. After a long emergency surgery, it was nice to walk through the quiet hospital. No chaos. No yelling. Just patients sleeping. Derek walked through the hallway in his navy blue scrubs. He had no idea what was next. He had no idea what was going to happen to Meredith. He was so worried. He was so worried that she wouldn't return to who she once was. He prayed.

Derek walked into her room. It was quiet except for the quiet beep, beep, beep sound that let him know that she was alive. He looked at her laying so peaceful in the bed. It was dark, just a hint of moonlight shining through the blinds. He looked at the faint lines shining on her face. Her eyes were closed and soft. Derek walked to the side of the bed and pulled a chair over. He just needed to touch her.

Before Derek sat down, he lifted her gown gently. The cuts were bad. He was praying there would be no scars, although he was unsure. He ran his fingers across her soft flesh and smiled. He wished he was touching her under different circumstances. He was wishing that they were at home. He was wishing the night could have gone differently. They way it was, was not the way it should have been.

"Mer... This isn't fair." Derek whispered as he rubbed circles in on her arm. He just wanted to hold her. He wanted to love her. He wanted to be in her heart forever and never come out. "You will be okay... When you wake up, I am here. You will be okay." Derek told her again.

Derek thought back to the first time he ever saw her. It was a day he would never forget. It was a day when he thought about true love. Soul mates. He wasn't positive that it existed. Not until that day. That day changed everything. Derek rubbed tiny circles and thought. If he had known... Would that have changed a thing?

i"I'm Derek Shepherd. Are you my intern?" Derek asks. She has on the light blue scrubs. She has and ID. He knows she is. He looks into her eyes. She is beautiful. He feels like he has never felt before. Like she was his soul-mate.

"Yes, I'm Dr. Thompson." Meredith says with a smile. She can't stop looking into those eyes. They pull her in. They are addicting. She is addicted to his calm eyes. The eyes of an optimist. Their connection is broken when they hear machines rapidly beeping.

"That's our patient." Derek says quickly as they run to the room. He spits out stats and the current conditions and treatments.

"He's stable now." A nurse mutters as she looks up.

"Good! Now Dr. Thompson, take him for a full work up and let me know when we get the results." Derek tells her with a nod. She seems competent. She seems smart. No matter, he know she is the most amazing woman he has ever seen.

"Right away, Sir!" She tells him with a smile. Sir. If she only knew what he was thinking. It didn't involve Sir at all. Derek meets up with Mark his best friend, and famous plastic surgeon, in the hallway.

"Hey, what's going on? You look distracted." Mark asked as he looked up at him. Mark knew him better than anyone. Mark could tell what Derek was thinking at any time. He knew him as well as he knew himself.

"I think I just met my soul-mate." Derek muttered in disbelief. He couldn't believe it himself.

"WHAT? Are you okay? You the man who won't commit? Didn't you say there was "No woman for you."?" Mark asked in shock as he looked at him. He was sure that Derek would die alone. He wasn't even willing to try.

"How did you feel when you met Addison?" Derek asked, knowing the answer. He knew about their connection.

"Like I met my soul-mate..." Mark admitted as he looked up. He could tell that Derek had been bitten by the bug.

"Okay then..." Derek laughed. It was true. He had met his soulmate. He was sure of it./i

Derek rested his head on the bed. He wanted to climb in with her. He wanted to close his eyes and wake up in their bed. He knew that wasn't happening anytime soon. He knew that he would be waking up in the cold hospital, holding his ex-wife's hand, wishing life weren't so cruel. Derek kissed her pale hand softly. He wondered what she was thinking. He wondered if she was in pain, physical or emotional. He knew he was in pain. Tomorrow he was sure they would take her off of Halidol. He knew that tomorrow would be a big day. He would either be helping her get better and taking her home, or she would be gone.

Derek heard the door open. He looked up in shock to see Richard, Ellis and Liam.

"Da!" Liam screamed as he fought Ellis's grasp. "Da!" He said again, squealing loudly. "Dadadaaa!"

"I couldn't get him to calm down. I didn't know what to do." Ellis admitted as she looked at him. Derek walked over and Liam put his arms out. Derek looked into his son's eyes. He needed to stay strong, but he couldn't. Derek pulled his son against his chest and sobbed. This was not right. He needed his mom.

"Oh my god..." Richard said in shock as he looked at her. He had known Meredith for years. He knew how bright and vibrant she could be. Right now, she was bruised and battered in the areas he could see of her. It broke his heart to see her like that. Meredith Grey should have never been a victim. Not her. Of all people.

"Oh... My... That bastard." Ellis spat as he rushed over to Meredith's bedside. Ellis had always had a broken relationship with Meredith. But lately, they were trying. She was learning that work was work, and family would be there when you needed them. She had never seen Meredith look so beaten. She felt an uncontrollable wave of anger. That man deserved to die, and she was glad he did.

Derek held Liam against him. At that moment, that boy was holding him together. That boy needed his father. He couldn't afford to lose them both. Not both of his parents in one fell swoop. He was more comfort to Derek than anyone could offer. Liam looked up at Derek and started to cry softly. Seeing his father upset, immediately caused him to be upset. He stretched his hand up and touched Derek's face, feeling Derek's tears on his tiny hands.

"Da..." He said sadly. Liam seemed to capture and understand emotion more than any child he had ever seen. He was compassionate and caring. Derek knew it was because of all of the time that he spent with Meredith. He had so much one on one personal time with his mother. And as he looked over, he wondered if he would even have it again.

"LP..." Derek said as he pursed his lips and tried to hold the tears back. They shared a moment, looking into each other's eyes.

Ellis and Richard looked up at the two. The connection was unparalleled. Liam and Derek were close, even with Derek's absence since the divorce. He knew who his dad was, and he knew that his dad cared. They decided it best if they backed away and let Derek have some time to himself with Liam. They made their way to the back of the room and watched in silence, both feeling the sting of what they were seeing.

"Ma!" Liam said loudly as he looked past Derek's shoulder. He hadn't noticed his mother before. The room was dark and quiet. Derek knew it wasn't even necessarily because Liam saw her, more that he could sense her. "Da! Ma..." He whined as he pulled away. "Ma?" He cried, expecting her to wake up. He stared at her, waiting for her to say his name. She was the only one that called him Leelee. Derek did occasionally, but he would always be Leelee To Meredith.

"Mommy's tired..." Derek explained as he looked over. His throat was burning as he tried to keep the tears from falling. "Mommy is sleeping." Derek croaked as they walked over. His son needed to see his mom, even if she couldn't see him.

"Ma seep." Liam repeated as he pulled to reach her. Derek held Liam on the bed as he crawled up to her face. Liam placed a hand on each cheek and looked at her closed eyes. He cocked his head slightly, waiting for her to wake up. He squeezed her cheeks gently, and then looked at Derek. "Ma seep. Lee seep." Liam said as he nestled against her and laid he head on her chest by her neck. Derek watched as he closed his eyes and cuddled into her, falling asleep.

"Oh god!" Derek gasped as he began to sob. "I can't- I can't." He muttered as he tried to breathe. Ellis rushed over to his side and wrapped her arms around him. Derek kept an eye on his son as he let himself succumb to Ellis's strong hold. He needed someone. He needed help. At the moment, he felt like he had nothing. He had no one.

"It will be okay." She told him frankly. "This will all be okay." She reiterated as she pulled him close and cried with him. Derek had never found comfort in Ellis before, but since she had gotten her priorities straight, she was a different person.

"What if she isn't- He is innocent. Liam is innocent. He doesn't deserve this." Derek said angrily. "He is just a little boy... And I can't promise him that his mom will be okay."

"Is she on pain meds?" Ellis asked as she looked at him. Her chart was no where around or she would have just picked it up. She was interested to know just why Derek had the need to give up. He seemed like he had no hope.

"She is on pain meds. And she's on Haldol. She isn't okay. She- She is not okay. And if she isn't- If she doesn't get better... I can't do this- It's hell. It's fucking hell!" Derek growled as he looked around. He finally focused on the cheap artwork on the wall. He couldn't look into Ellis's eyes. They were hard, but they were the same as Meredith's.

"You can't think that way. She may wake up and be fine." Ellis said quickly. "She just- That was a lot of trauma."

"That doesn't even begin to cover it. You weren't there. I saw her... She snapped. She needed to snap. She needed to save herself. But she- I don't know how she can get over this. I just don't even see how it is possible." Derek explained as he looked at his son. Liam had a faint smile on his face, and it broke his heart.

She needs us, Derek. She needs you, and she needs me. When she wakes up, there is no telling what it will be like. But we will be here for her. She will work through this. Meredith is a fighter. She is. And if anyone can do it, she will. She survived him, Derek. She will survive herself. I don't care what we have to do. She will make it through." Ellis told him as she held his shoulders. Derek nodded his head. She would be okay because she had people that loved her. They would fight for her. They would fight because they weren't sure that she would.


	52. Failure

Derek watched as Meredith laid in the bed motionless, with her son on her chest. She had made a subtle movement. He knew it probably wasn't true, but he was sure that she felt and knew that Liam was there. Her blood pressure dropped and she seemed completely relaxed. Derek found comfort in his son having the ability to touch his mother in such a way.

The room got eerily quiet at Ellis and Richard left. Liam was in a more relaxed state and seemed ready to go home and finish his rest. Derek had a couple of hours before they rounded on her and the rest of the world knew what was going on. He looked at her, and wondered if he should do it. He had to. He couldn't help himself.

Derek gently moved Meredith over. She had been in the same position as they put her in. She was heavily sedated and not responsive to anything that he was saying and doing. That was the reason he could do it. Derek slowly and gently climbed onto the bed and spooned up against her. He was convinced that she needed his touch just as much as he did. She didn't move, or speak, but he knew in her head she knew he was there. Or at least he would like to think so.

Meredith felt so perfect in Derek's arms. He was able to release all of his worries at the feeling of her skin against his. She was so warm in soft, letting in gentle breathes, in and out. Derek felt at home. For a short while, he felt more at home with her than he had in a long time. He quickly drifted off to sleep. Her lack of movement allowed him to stay that way until someone would wake them up.

Derek heard the loud click of the door and sat bolt upright. He drew in a deep breath and released it as he saw the nurse walking towards him. He looked at her and nodded his head as she began writing on the chart.

"She is good." The nurse told him with a nod. Of course she knew that he was the former chief of surgery. She knew that he still had a lot of pull. She definitely didn't mind that he was in her bed. "I have been ordered to start reducing her Haldol so that Dr. Donaldson can get a good assessment of her in the morning." She explained as she began making adjustments to the iv. As much as Derek didn't like it, he knew that it was a necessary evil.

"Okay." Derek agreed as he watched her. "By how much?" He asked frankly.

"She is at seven milligrams. I will drop a gram every hour. He said it would be safe. Don't be surprised if she becomes more lucid and awake well before she is off of it completely." She explained as she looked at him. "And Dr. Donalson was concerned with what would happen when she does wake up. We have orders to keep a close eye on here. He is really pushing for restraints, but I told him-" She started before Derek stopped her abruptly.

"No way. She will not wake up tied down. No way." Derek growled as he looked at the nurse. He would not budge on that. He would only imagine how much worse she would be if she were restrained. She would feel as if she were being attacked and she couldn't protect herself.

"I told him you would say that. He agreed that as long as no one is in danger, she could remain the way she is." She told him with a nod and a smile. Derek nodded faintly, acknowledging her comment, but not really caring. It wasn't as if she really cared about Meredith. He just didn't have stock in people anymore. Not at all.

"Good. She is not to be restrained. I will not have her waking up like she is in a prison." Derek told her as she flipped the chart shut. Derek laid his head back and looked at her closed eyes. He was content just looking at her. He loved to look at her.

Derek laid with her for an hour. Just as he hit a deep sleep, he felt her move. he awoke abruptly and looked over at her. She was asleep, but she was becoming more conscious. He was almost fearful of her opening her eyes and looking at him. He decided to abandon her bed and lay on the sofa. He could see her, but she was a safe distance away.

"No! No!" Meredith screamed at the top of her lungs as she thrashed herself in her sleep. The nurses rushed in and looked in shock. Derek sat there, afraid to approach her. He did not want her more upset than she already was.

"I'll get the doctor." The nurse said as she rushed out. Derek was unsure of what to do. Normally in this situation, they would sedate. The whole point was to get her off of the sedation.

"No! Get away from me! No! Stay away from me you bastard! Stay away from my son!" Meredith screamed as she tossed her head. Derek was afraid that she was going to tear her iv out of her arm. Just as Dr. Donaldson walked in, Meredith let out a wail and opened her eyes. She looked at the doctor before her. A man. She panicked. Derek watched as she ripped her iv out of her arm and dove out of the bed. "Get away from me! Stay away. I'll kill you!" She screamed, feeling threatened.

"Dr. Grey." Dr. Donaldson said as he tried to stop her. Meredith started swinging as she approached. He quickly ducked and let her go. Meredith threw open the door. She was off. She was leaving. Where she was going was anyone's guess. Derek looked at them. They were chasing her. It only took him a second to realize that he needed to.

Derek's heart caught in his throat. He had to catch her. He had to go after her, and yet it was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to chase after her and make her feel trapped. He didn't want to be the bad guy. He didn't want her to see or blame him for any of this. He knew that he needed to stay as neutral as possible. Derek quickly ran behind her. She was running like she was running for her life. She really thought she was.

"Mer!" Derek shouted as he ran up from behind and scooped her up. He and Meredith went flying to the floor with a hard crash. Everyone looked up in shock, staring at them. They wondered why she was running and what was going on.

"Let go! Let go!" Meredith screamed as she squealed loudly. She was in a panic. In her head, Derek was trying to get her. He was going to try to kill her like Craig tried. Derek was Craig. Every man was Craig. "Get off of me!" She screamed as loudly as she could. Derek held her down as she thrashed. Her bare feet were pounding against the floor. She was splayed out as Derek tried to contain her, her skin squeaking across the floor.

"Meredith... Its me, Mer. Calm down, honey." Derek begged as he held her close. He could not let her go. He had no idea where she would end up if he did. "You're okay, baby. You are okay." He told her as he tried to keep her there. She was out of control and it broke him to hold her as tightly as he had to.

"Don't! You can't take him. You can't kill him. Kill me... Liam is a baby...He's innocent. I won't let you hurt him. I will kill you. Do you hear me? I will fucking kill you!" Meredith screamed. Derek watched as Dr. Donaldson rushed up.

"I'm going to sedate her. She is going to hurt herself." He told Derek as he walked up with the syringe. "This is lighter. She just needs the edge off." He told him as he nodded for him to hold her down.

"No! No! Get off of me!" Meredith screamed as she kicked as hard as she could. An orderly rushed over and helped hold her down. He fought and finally got the needle in her flesh. "No..." She moaned as she closed her eyes, feeling the effect of the sedation.

"I thought you were giving her something light." Derek snapped as he looked at him. He did not want Meredith drugged out of her mind. He knew she couldn't get out of control, but he did not want to see them toss her in a corner.

"I gave her Diazepam." He told him frankly. "She is fine." He added. "We have to move her to psych."

Derek looked up at the man. It made him sick. Meredith on the psychiatric floor. He never thought Meredith would be to this point. He never thought this would happen. Derek clenched his jaw as he held her limp body. He knew she had to go there. They couldn't keep her here. If she woke up in the middle of the night, it could be trouble. But having her locked away, that made him sick.

"I- I understand." Derek told him as he stroked her hair. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want to let her go because he wondered what would happen when he did. Derek didn't even notice Mark standing in the distance, looking at them in shock.

"We will take her back to her bed. We need to get her ready for a transfer." Dr. Donaldson said as he pointed to her and looked at the nurses. Derek felt so helpless as they picked her up and placed her on the bed. He felt like he was losing control of her. "We'll take her to her room until they get a room ready for her on the other floor." He explained. Derek had already decided he did not like this man. He didn't like him one bit.

"I understand." Derek said with a nod. He needed air. He could not breathe. He looked up to the nearest bathroom. Derek rushed down the hallway, placing his hand on the cold door. He swung it open quickly, and rushed over to the trash can.

Derek couldn't take the feelings that were inside of him. Now Meredith was a psych case. She was crazy. Insane. Looney. It broke his heart into pieces. He knew she could recover from it, and yet he had so little hope. They had been dealt such a bad hand, and he was choosing to just accept what he thought would happen. If she couldn't even be off of the sedation, he wondered how she would ever return to real life.

Derek felt a strong hand on his back. He knew the hand. The had was that of his best friend. A man that cast him aside and banished him. He knew he had deserved it. He had abandoned Meredith when she needed him the most. Derek looked up into Mark's eyes. Mark was there for him. Derek couldn't hold it together. He covered his face with his hands and began to sob.

"It will be alright, man." Mark told Derek as he watched his friend sob. He had no idea what had happened until he saw them in the hallway. He was quickly filled in and full of disbelief. "She will be okay. Mer is strong." Mark told him frankly. "If anyone can- She can."

"Mark... You didn't see her. You didn't- The blood... It wasn't her. It was not her. She was- I don't know how she can come back from that. I don't think she can. I can't- We were fixing things. We were getting there. I can't lose her. I can't lose her like this. I can't watch her like she is. I don't know what to do." Derek sobbed as he felt Mark wrap his arm around him.

"You stay strong, because she needs you to stay strong. She has a reason to recover. She has a reason to get better. She has you, and she has Liam. She will pull though this, and you will be there. You will be waiting and supporting her. And Addie and I will be here for you. She will be okay, Derek. She has been through a lot. She will be okay." Mark told him with a nod.

"I fucked up. I fucked our lives up. And now, I can't get that back. I can't make this better. I just- I failed her. The one person in the world I love more than anything. I failed her. I- I can't do it again. I won't." Derek said as he rinsed his face. "I will not fail her again..."

**I have been so busy. Review...give me inspiration!**


	53. White on Rice

It wasn't fair. Derek Shepherd would admit it. It wasn't fair. It was bullshit. He hated it. It was not fair. It had been a week. She had been in the psychiatric part of the hospital for a week. There weren't getting anywhere with her. It seemed they had taken to drugging her out of her mind and dealing with it that way. Every time they would try to take her off, she would wake up screaming and trying to flee.

The one battle that Derek had won with them was the battle of restraints. He absolutely refused to restrain her. There was no way that he would have them take her off of the meds and tie her down. That to him was imprisonment. He didn't even see how that would help anything. All that did was confirm that everyone was out to get her, and she could not fight for herself.

"Dr. Donaldson!" Derek shouted as he ran down the hallway. He had to pass through the doors. That floor was on lockdown and only certain people could get on it. Not only did he have to be on a list, but he had to be searched too. "Hey!" Derek shouted.

The doctor was walking away from him. He seemed to have picked up his pace when he heard Derek's voice. Derek was not surprised. The man had been avoiding him like the plague. The man was unwilling to listen to Derek. He said he had his own treatment plans and he didn't have to listen to Derek. It seemed since they were divorced, Derek lost all rights to look over Meredith's medical care.

"You better stop." Derek warned as he ran up. The doctor stopped and spun around. Derek glared into the man's cold eyes. He was a thorn in the doctor's side, he already knew that. "Thank you." Derek muttered with a clenched jaw. "I would like to know what is going on with my wife." Derek said frankly. He may have been pushing the man too far, but this was Meredith that he was so worried about.

"Ex-wife. I believe you are divorced?" He asked smartly as he looked at Derek. Derek had no idea why he was so insistent on fighting him about her treatment.

"Meredith is- What is going on with her?" Derek asked as he looked at him. He wanted to grab her chart, but he knew he carried no rights as far as that was concerned.

"Your- Meredith is quite troubled. Every attempt we have made to communicate with here has been fruitless. We cannot get through to her. The sedatives make her comfortable." He explained as he read over a chart, not even looking at Derek.

"No. The sedatives make life easier for you. It doesn't make her comfortable. It makes it so that no one has to deal with helping her. I will not allow you to drug her up and throw her in a closet. She is my wife. She is the mother of my child. She has been through a terrible trauma. Why is it so goddamn hard for you to fucking treat her? Isn't this your fucking job, you crack-pipe!" Derek screamed as the vein in his neck started to bulge.

"Dr. Shepherd, if you don't calm down, I will be forced to have you removed from the hospital, or at the very least, this floor." He told him frankly.

Derek took a moment to breathe. Not that it was any excuse, but he was sure that this doctor was overworked. He knew he should be doing his job, but he could see how tough it could be. Derek knew he shouldn't have gotten into that field if it wasn't what he wanted, but he knew that he had to attempt to make peace with him for Meredith's sake. He had to be her advocate. While he had no legal right, he could be kind and see where that got him.

"Look... I know she isn't my wife anymore. But I have to say, if I hadn't screwed up, she still would be. It is my fault that I lost her. But even if she isn't my wife anymore, I still love her. She will always be the love of my life. She is the mother of my child. This is a child that isn't going to have a mother if you can't help her. It's not just me... There are people that rely on her. There are people that care. We can't lose her. Losing her is like losing the sun. We need the sun to live. And I know you are overworked, and I know that she is a difficult case. I do know that. But I love her. And I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make this right. So I beg you, if you can't do it, tell me who can. I will send her to the finest place in the world. I just want the love of my life back." Derek said genuinely. He could tell he was getting through to the man.

"I understand. See, your wife's- Meredith's case is complex. She is suffering from an extreme case of post-traumatic stress syndrome. She went through an amazing trauma. And I won't lie, I am having some difficulty with this. She is not responding. I cannot get her calm enough to communicate. I honestly think she needs further treatment at a facility. I have a few I can recommend. Some are father away. There is one in Arizona that is exemplary. I think if she has any chance of recovering, she should go there." He told him with a smile. "And I would make the recommendation."

"Thank you." Derek said with a relieved sigh. "You have no idea- Just... Thank you. I am willing to go wherever I need to. I just need her back." Derek explained as he leaned against the wall.

"I will look into the place in Arizona when I am done doing this evaluation. I will handle the necessary paperwork. I like to see my patients recover. If I can't get them there, I want to find away to do so." He told him with a nod. "She is over there. We moved her room. You should go see her." Derek nodded. For the first time in awhile, he had hope.

--

Derek stuck his key in the door. He hated being at the hospital, and he hated going home. It seemed like no matter where he went, he was unhappy. The only time he was happy was when Meredith's hand was in his. But when her hand was in his, it was a once-sided conversation that went no where. Whenever he would get discouraged or upset, he would tell himself to be thankful that she was alive. He had to be thankful that Craig hadn't killed her. He hadn't killed her physically, even if he had killed her soul.

"Daddy's home!" He heard her kind voice say. She was so good with Liam. He had gotten used to hearing it at the end of his long days with Meredith. It was welcoming.

"LP!" Derek said loudly as he rushed over and pulled a Liam from her arms. "How is daddy's big guy?" He asked as he gave him a kiss. "Give dad a kiss."

"Da!" Liam said loudly as he pressed his sloppy lips against Derek's cheek.

"He missed his dad. He has been talking about you all day. Weren't you talking about your dad? Dad this... Dad that..." She told him with her sparkling brown eyes.

"Da... Lee pay..." Liam said with a giggle as he wiggled in Derek's arms. "Lee down." He told him clear as a bell. Liam had been getting better with his speech. It seemed like everyday was a new day and he was learning more.

"Okay, LP... You play. Dad will talk for a minute." Derek said with a nod as he sat his son down. Liam was immediately off and running. "Hey, Lee... Did you go potty in my big boy potty?" Derek asked. Liam screamed happily and ran away. "Did he?"

"He is getting better." She told him with a nod. "He has accidents, but if I make it a game, he is all in it." She explained as she crossed her arms and watched him zoom through the house. "So how is she?" She asked as she looked into his blue eyes. His eyes were what pulled her into him in the first place. He had a way of talking through his eyes and she found it amazing.

"She's the same." Derek said with a frown as he walked into the kitchen. Liam was dragging around his favorite stuffed dog. He would clutch it in his hands and run like the wind. Derek was still amazed his strength. He got stronger by the day... And she was missing it all. "They are almost ready for her. Even with the recommendation, she had to wait on the list. They are looking at Monday." Derek explained as he looked up at her. She smiled lightly. Sometimes her smile would brighten his mood. Not often but she did have that ability.

"Well, that is good, I guess. What do they think? Do they think she will ever pull out of this?" She asked as she brushed her hair from her face. She ran her fingers through her hair, awaiting a response from him.

"What the hell do you mean?" Derek snapped. She looked at him in shock. He snapped at her. She rarely saw him get angry, but she was seeing it now. Derek was irate. It was as if she were insinuating that Meredith may not get better. It was as if she thought she would forever be somewhere else. If that was the way people were thinking, that was the wrong way. Meredith didn't need their mean spirits and their bad juju. "Meredith will be fine! She will wake up and be fine." Derek said as he looked into her eyes with a clenched jaw.

"I hope so, Derek. I do. But she has been in there a month. She- I don't want to do or say this-" She told him as she cocked her head and frowned.

"Then don't! I don't need your negativity. Meredith needs positivity. I don't know what in the hell you are thinking!" Derek spat as he looked away.

"You are optimistic. And Derek, I am optimistic too. But sometimes you can't be optimistic. Sometimes you have to accept reality. Meredith may not be okay. And if she isn't, you will have to move on. If she isn't... You will have to make things right... For your son." She told him with a nod as she looked over at Liam, who was jabbering away at nothing.

"Yes, I am optimistic. And I will continue to be. It's called hope. She will wake up. If you- I don't need you saying otherwise. I don't need to hear that shit." Derek told her as he picked up the mail and tossed it across the counter. She placed her hand softly on his arm and looked into his eyes.

"I won't say it. But... I don't want to see you hurt. No one should hurt like this." She explained as she pulled away. "Liam..." She said happily as she rushed over to him.

Derek drew in a breath. He couldn't give up. Even when everyone was telling him to, he couldn't. It had been a month. A month was nothing. A month was thirty days. Four weeks. That was just a little time. She needed to heal. Physically and mentally she needed to heal. He would wait. Even if he was the only one left, he would wait.

"So when are you having her moved?" She asked as she looked into his eyes. Derek looked away. He didn't want to see her. He didn't want to see brown, he wanted to see green.

"We're moving to Arizona on Monday. I already got a place." Derek told her as he grabbed his son from her hands.

"We're moving? Derek... You never asked me. I had no idea..." She told him as she took in a breath and let it out with a huff. Derek looked at her and raised his brows.

Derek stared at her in shock. He wasn't even sure how it got to this point. He wasn't sure why she was even thinking that going along with he and Liam to Arizona was even an option. He had never once thought that she would go. He thought of her as a good friend, but that was all. She was a good friend when he really needed one. Derek thought back to how it all came about, wondering of he had done anything to make her think it was more.

_Derek pounded the steering wheel of his Land Rover in anger. It was yet another day of no change. She was on the waiting list, but she wasn't getting any better. She was either laying in the bed drugged out of her mind, or she was awake and screaming like someone was choking the life out of her. He couldn't take it. He was at his wits end._

_Derek climbed out of his car and looked around the garage. The garage was the last place he remembered her being the way she was. Then night Craig attacked her she got out of his car and never thought that anything was amiss. If he had known, he would have protected her. He shouldn't have let her go in the house first. He shouldn't have left her downstairs. There were so many things he shouldn't have done._

_"Hey Erin." Derek said as he walked in. She looked flustered. He could tell by the look on her face that she was upset with Liam._

_"Dr. Shepherd." She muttered as she shoved her books in her bag. She wasn't even looking at him. She was avoiding eye contact. Derek had a feeling in the pit of his stomach and he didn't like it._

_"Is everything okay?" Derek asked quickly. He didn't like anyone having feelings about him or his family. He wanted everything out in the open. He wanted to know what was going through her head._

_"Yes." Erin said sharply. Her books weren't going in easily and he could see her getting frustrated. "Fine." She grumbled as she rammed her book in._

_"Are you sure? Thinks don't seem fine to me." Derek pointed out as she glanced up and he looked him in the eyes. "In fact, you seem far from fine." He had learned what fine meant. Meredith had taught him the meaning of fine all too well._

_"You know what? I'm not fine! I am so not fine, it's not even funny. Do you want to know why I am not fine? I will tell you why I am not fine. Your wife murdered someone. She was nice and great and all of that. But she snapped and killed someone. Now she can't seem to get a grasp on life. That's her prerogative. But you know what? None of this is my problem. It's not. And somehow it has become my problem. Somehow I am the one stuck with a mess. Your kid will not pee in the toilet. That is his mom's job. His mom should teach him that. And I am stuck here listening to him cry for mama or pee on the floor. I can't deal anymore. I can't do this. So that is it. I quit. I'm done. I won't be back tomorrow." She said in a huff as she rushed to the door._

_Derek didn't say a word. He stood the in shock as she disappeared. She had obviously been under too much stress. He never thought that she was having a hard time. He never demanded that she work, he had always asked nicely if she could. He tried not to leave here with Liam for longer than she could handle. And now she walked out. When he needed her help, she had no problem just walking away Derek shook his head as he stood there. He had no idea what he was going to do next._

_Derek walked up to Liam's nursery and looked in at his tired boy. Erin had been extremely flustered. She had been more than upset. He was praying that she hadn't lost her temper with his boy. He had never seen any signs of abuse. He didn't think she was that type. That was why she snapped at Derek. She snapped at Derek because she couldn't snap at Liam. Derek stroked the top of his dark head and frowned. He was the one suffering here. He was the one begging for his mom, day in and day out._

_"I'm sorry, LP. Daddy really is sorry. We are working on getting mama home for you, big guy. We are." Derek told him as he stood there. He heard the door bell ring loudly as he checked the baby monitor. Derek rushed down the stairs and opened the door._

_"Hey, Derek." Addison and Mark said as they stood outside. Derek was happy to see his friends, but at the same time, he was upset that they were there. He just wanted a minute. He needed to break down. "You look- Is everything okay?" Addison asked softly._

_"Erin just quit. Liam's nanny just walked out. She said Mer was nuts and she was tired of cleaning up Liam's pee. She just quit. Just like that. It was like she never even cared. She quit, and I don't know what to do now. What the hell do I do?" Derek asked as he looked at his best friends._

_"Oh my god." Mark said in disgust. "She just up and left? What the hell is that?" He questioned as he looked around._

_"It's called being young and stressed out." Addison said quickly. "This affects her too. It affects everyone." She told him sadly as he hugged Derek._

_"I have to find someone. I will need someone for Liam. I can't drag him there. He can't even go on that floor. I just don't know what to do anymore. He cries for her. He wants his mom. I can't help him. By the time she gets out, he may have forgotten about her. Damn it! I just need her better. I need her to wake up and be okay." Derek said as he turned away. If the food gate burst, he didn't want them to get soaked._

_"He will see her. She will be okay, Derek. I looked into this facility in Arizona. I think it will help her. And as far as a nanny.. We will help you out until you find someone." Mark told him with a smile. Derek nodded his head in agreement. He was just too worn down to fight it. Little did he know he would find someone to take care of Liam. And she would be on him like white on rice._


	54. Opening Up

Derek stared at her in shock. His wife was in the hospital. He wondered just who in the hell she thought she was. Apparently she had thoughts that were not the same as his. He couldn't believe her. She was a friend. Not a lover. She had no reason to move to Arizona with them. She had no reason at all. Derek thought back as he stared at her brown eyes. Who the hell did she think she was?

_It was hard, if not nearly impossible to take care of Liam and tend to Meredith. Derek felt that he had to be there for her. He felt like he had to be around every minute of everyday. If she woke up and was okay, he wanted to be there. He wanted to see her sparkling green eyes and mile wide smile._

_Mark and Addison were trying to help out, but they were so busy they could hardly do it. They barely had time for each other, let alone a child that wasn't even theirs. Derek would place Liam in the hospital daycare, but he didn't feel right about it. He knew that Meredith wouldn't want that. There was a reason that she pulled him out in the first place. Derek didn't have time to hire a nanny and after the way that Erin burned them, he wasn't eager to go through that again._

_Derek wrestled Liam and bags in his hand as he walked down the hallway to his apartment. He spent equal time at both places. The apartment was closer to the hospital. Derek knew that Liam was more comfortable at home, but Derek wanted to be ready if they called him. He was always on guard. Always ready for the call that would not come._

_"Oh! Here... Let me help you." Alexis, Derek's neighbor said with a smile as she was walked over and grabbed the bags from his hands. Derek looked into her brown eyes. At that moment, he needed those calm brown eyes. Something less harsh. It was a change from the anger and upset he was seeing all around him._

_"Thanks... Holding LP and all of that... It's not always easy." Derek replied with a laugh as he put his key in the lock. "It's not easy, is it big guy?"_

_"Da... Ma? Mamama?" Liam asked as he looked into his father's eyes. They were eyes that matched his own. At least Liam's eyes had hope. He had hope that his mom would walk in at any time. His father's hope was fading just a little bit more each day._

_"Mom isn't here, buddy. Maybe we can see mom soon." Derek told the sad little boy as she looked into his eyes._

_"Oh.. Is his mom out of town?" Alexis asked as she walked into Derek's apartment with him._

_"It's a long story." Derek said with a sigh as he looked around his apartment. "It's just a really hard time. And Liam's nanny quit, so we are really in a mess right now." Derek explained._

_"Oh my god, that is terrible." Alexis said with a frown as she grabbed Liam's extended hand. "So terrible, little guy." She told Liam as she looked into his eyes. "So are you looking for a babysitter?" Alexis asked as she looked around._

_"Not really. I just don't have the time to put into looking for someone qualified. I put him in the hospital daycare when I visit Meredith. But I hate to do that." He explained. Derek immediately regretted saying that. Now she would ask why Meredith was in the hospital._

_"Oh! Your ex is in the hospital?" She asked quickly. "Is she okay?" She asked as she looked into his eyes, seeing that it was not okay. Derek didn't like that she said his ex. Not even ex-wife. Just ex._

_"She's sick. But she will be okay. She will be okay." Derek said quickly. He was beginning to doubt his own optimism. "She will be okay."_

_"Good." Alexis said with a smile, knowing that Derek was lying. She could tell things were amiss._

_"Yeah." Derek said with a nod as he poured himself a glass of water. "Do you want something to drink?" He asked as he looked over. If he didn't have Liam, he would be drinking scotch. He may even have a shot of tequila just for Mer. Anything that could do him in good and quick. Life was not worth living at the moment._

_"Sure. I'll have a glass of water." She said with a smile as she watched him set Liam down on the floor. The little boy quickly ran around the baby safe apartment. "Listen, Derek... I know you don't know me, other than a quick hello in the hallway... But, I'm here. If you need to talk to me, I am here. And I was just cut out of my job. They phased my department out. I'm in between things, but if you need someone to watch Liam, I could." She told him with a smile._

_Derek looked at the woman. He didn't know her well, but he knew her well enough. He had seen her in the hallway and talked to her. The other tenants had nothing bad to say about her. Derek smiled. She was just what he needed. He needed a nanny and she was available._

_"Wow... That is an amazing offer. I just- Wow. Are you serious?" Derek asked as he sipped his water. "If you're serious, I would be more than willing to give it a try. I just- I hate sticking him in with all those kids, knowing he is cast aside. And he needs someone that is going to give him attention when I can't. He needs his mom...She's just not available. And he can't just be another number."_

_"I would love to take care of your son, Derek. When can I start?" She asked with a smile. Derek smiled back. This was perfect. Or so he thought._

_--_

_iDerek looked over at his son. Right now it was like the pot calling the kettle black. He was in bed with Liam. He knew it was wrong, but Liam was the closest thing to Meredith that he could find. He had given Meredith such a hard time about letting Liam sleep in the bed with her. Now he was seeing why she did it. She was grasping at straws just as he was. She had an ache for him all that time. It broke his heart._

_"Da... " Liam moaned as he opened his eyes and crawled to his father's chest. "Ma? Mama? Mama?" Liam asked as he looked around for Meredith._

_"I know you want mom. You do. But mom is sick. Mom wants to see you, Liam. Mom misses you just as much as you miss her." Derek explained to his son as he rubbed his head. Sadly, the tragedy that happened with Meredith had made Derek and Liam closer than ever. It changed their lives. Derek had a strong connection that could never be broken._

_Liam looked at his dad. Derek could see the wheels spinning. His son was much smarter than anyone would ever realize. He grasps situations. He didn't know what happened with Meredith, but he knew that something was wrong. It broke his heart, but he was thankful that Liam was young. He was hoping this was something he would never remember._

_"So what do you think, son?" Derek asked as he kissed Liam on the head. Liam climbed up and gave Derek a sloppy kiss back._

_"Ma hur? Ma ick?" Liam muttered as he turned his head. Derek nodded his head yes and watched as his son got a confused look on his face. It had been far too long since Liam had seen her. Derek laid his head back as Liam rested against his cheek, just as he closed his eyes, he heard the doorbell ring._

_"Ah... Someone is here." Derek said with a sigh. He looked over at the clock. He had been in bed for far too long. It was already nine am. He told Alexis to be there at nine, and she was right on the dot. "It must be Alexis." Derek said with a smile as he picked Liam up and walked towards the door. He was still in his pajama pants and a tee shirt._

_"Oh... Am I early?" Alexis asked as she looked at Derek's disheveled appearance. She looked down at her watch, knowing she wasn't there early. Derek smiled. At least she was punctual._

_"No. No, you aren't early. I guess me and LeeLee were just a little tired, that's all. I need to take a shower before I go to see Mer. Do you think you could watch him while I take a shower?" Derek asked as he watched his son walk around. I know he is probably hungry. Well, I know he is hungry."_

_"Oh... I could feed him." Alexis said with a smile as she got into the refrigerator and looked for Liam's food. "Do you like eggs, little guy?" She asked as she watched Liam zoom around the apartment like he owned the place. "Does he like eggs?" Alexis shouted into Derek's bedroom._

_"Scrambled, yes." Derek yelled as he stepped into the shower. Derek took the quickest shower he could. He wanted to be there when his son ate breakfast. He knew he would be gone all day with Meredith and he liked to be there when he could._

_"What a big boy! You eat lots, don't you?" Alexis asked as she wiped Liam's mouth. "Do you want a drink?" She asked as she offered him a sippy cup of juice._

_"How much did he eat?" Derek asked as he looked over at her. Liam was starting to get restless in the highchair._

_"Oh, I made him one scrambled egg." She told him with a smile as she looked up. Derek looked at her with a frown._

_"That's not enough. Why don't you mush up some peaches. I have fresh ones on the counter. One egg isn't enough for him." Derek stated quickly. As Derek grabbed the peach, he wondered if she would have picked up on the fact that he was still hungry. He hoped she would._

_"Oh... Okay. He must be a big eater then?" She asked as she began mashing the ripe peach. Liam looked around, taking in what was going on around him._

_"He eats like his mom." Derek said with a smile as he thought about her. Right now, she wasn't eating. He wasn't even sure how they were keeping her calm enough to eat. He hadn't seen her awake in longer than he could remember._

_"I see." She said as she trailed off, trying not to think about the boy's mother. Derek watched as she fed his son. He went through where everything was and what was to be done with Liam. Alexis was a very smart, very confident woman. She may not be the most kid-friendly, but she seemed okay with the job. He felt confident that his child would be safe with her._

_"Well, if you are okay... I need to go." Derek said with a nod. this was his full time job. He would just sit there and hold her hand. He loved it. He wished it were different, but if things had to be that way he would rather be no where else in the world. He was going to his full time job. He was leaving his son with her._

_--_

_It seemed great. The first day, Derek came home and Liam was completely content. He had worried about Liam all day long. Meredith was still drugged up, but she was conscious. She was there, but she wasn't. She was overly tired and extremely disoriented. The strangest thing that Derek noticed was that she never asked about Liam. Derek didn't bring him up. He didn't want to upset her. He didn't want her to ask where Liam was, and him have to say that he was with the babysitter. He couldn't tell her that Erin quit, and Liam wasn't allowed on that floor of the hospital. It wasn't as if they talked. She just laid there in a daze. He talked to the wall._

_Derek drove down the long driveway up to his house. It was their house. It would always be their house. Even when the trailer was there, it was theirs. Derek would never forget the first time that he and Meredith made love in that trailer. She cheated on her husband with him. He always had guilt about it. There were mixed feelings. Either way, he knew that first time that she was the love of his life. That was all that mattered to him._

_Alexis was now watching Liam in the house. Derek knew that Liam was comfortable in his own home. Derek wanted Liam happy. He had the huge absence of his mother in his heart. Derek would do anything to make his little boy happy. Besides, Alexis was just watching Liam. Her being in their home meant absolutely nothing. Nothing at all._

_"Da!" Liam shouted loudly as he ran to his father's open arms. It always went the same way. Derek would drop to his knees, open his arms and pull Liam tight, but gentle embrace. "Da..." He repeated as Derek stood up, holding him in his arms._

_Liam didn't ask for him mom as much anymore. He hadn't see her in so long, it was almost as if he forgot about her. She was a memory, and Derek was having a hard time reminding him about her. He would show Liam pictures, but he knew it wasn't the same. Liam needed to touch his mom. He needed to smell his mom. He just needed her._

_"He was wonderful today." Alexis said as she walked up to Derek. "We had all kinds of fun. And you pottied in the big boy potty, didn't you, Liam Patrick?" She asked as she rubbed his little arm._

_"Mama was good today, big guy. Mom misses you so much. Do you miss mom?" Derek asked as he walked over to the sofa and sat down with him. "Mom?" Derek asked him._

_"Mamamaa..." Liam said with a big giggle. "Ma."_

_"Yep, mom." Derek agreed with a smile. "Did he have lunch?" Derek asked Alexis as she sat down next to him._

_"He had some chicken at noon. Ground chicken and soupy potatoes." She explained, hoping it was up to his expectations._

_"Good. Did you have soupy potatoes, Liam? Were they good? Were they mmm?" Derek asked as he looked into Liam's bright blue eyes. Liam smiled as he looked at his father, absorbing what he was saying._

_"Pay?" Liam asked his father. He loved it when Derek would get on the floor and chase him around on his hands and knees. It was their game. It was their special time._

_"You want to play? I think playing could be big fun." Derek agreed as he placed him on the floor and got down there with him. Liam squealed loudly as he tore off towards the dining room. "Get back here!" Derek teased as he crawled quickly after him. Liam would look back and yell and he tried to get away. _

_Derek and Liam played their games. Derek would catch Liam and tackle him down. Liam liked being caught just as much as he liked running. He knew that being caught led to hugs and kisses. Derek would laugh every time he saw his son slow way down to be caught purposely. Derek and Liam played until Liam finally laid down on the floor and cuddled up with a pillow._

_"So how was Meredith today?" Alexis asked as she looked over at Derek. Derek drew in a breath. He just wanted to pour. He wanted to tell her everything just so he could get it out of his head and off his chest. He had to get it out before he imploded._

_"Oh god..." Derek moaned as he looked into her eyes. "Not good. Not good at all. I'm not sure she will ever be okay." Derek said sadly. That wasn't him. He was never that negative._

_"So what is wrong with her? Is she sick? Did she have an accident?" Alexis asked as she looked over. Derek looked at her and frowned. He tried to fight the tears, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop it. He couldn't hold the pain in anymore. Derek looked over at her and then away as the tears fell. He lost his wife. He lost everything He just wanted to back. He needed it all back._

_Derek sat there and explained the whole thing to her. She was such a good listener. She made him feel better. He didn't even think about the fact that he was supposed to be a strong man and he was there bawling like a baby. All he could think about was how good it was to get it out. He had needed to get it out. She made him feel like it would all be okay. Derek felt her hand on his back. He drew in a deep breath and looked over at her._

_"It will be okay, Derek." Alexis said with a smile as she rubbed his hand. "I'm sure it will all be okay. Your ex will get better." She said softly. She said it, but she was hoping it wasn't true._


	55. Going Along

Derek stared at her in shock. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was serious. She actually thought there was a chance that Derek was going to take her along with him to Arizona. She was good with Liam, but she wasn't that good. She wasn't good enough to transfer her to Arizona with them. He would either care for Liam, or he would find someone there. He did not need her, and he was confused as to why she thought he did.

"You don't need to come with us, Alexis. You are great with Liam, but you don't need to come to Arizona. In fact, I'm wondering why you would think you need to?" Derek asked simply. He wasn't cutting corners. He wasn't mincing words.

"I just thought- Well, I love Liam. And you and I- We're friends, right? I just assumed I would be going along too." Alexis said quickly as she looked at him in his eyes.

"No. Im going there to help Meredith. I can find a nanny there. And they think that Liam could help with her treatment. I don't need you, Alexis. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate you. I really do appreciate everything you have done. You have been great with Liam. You have been a good friend. Thank you so much, but I don't need you anymore. I wish you luck." Derek said with a smile.

Alexis stood there in a stunned shock. All the work she had put into Derek, and he wasn't even noticing. It was as if she hadn't been there at all. She sat by his side. She held his hand. She listened to him whine and complain about his problems. He did all of that and it seemed to get her no where. She knew he was wrapped up in Meredith, but she thought for sure that she had an in. She was wrong.

Alexis wasn't evil. She was not crazy. Clever, yes, she was every clever. Devious? Maybe a bit devious. She was definitely way too smart for her own good. She was always thinking. She thought a lot. The more she thought about it, the more she realized her only chance was if Meredith did not get better. She was going to have to take it all on faith. She would have to let fate take over and come what may. That didn't mean she wasn't upset.

Derek prayed she didn't get the wrong idea. Yes, they were friends. They weren't close friends, just friends. The night he poured his heart out was the night he was dying inside. At that moment, he had felt like if he didn't get it out, that he would die. He needed to talk, and she just happened to be the one that was there. After that, he found it easy to pour out his daily dose of pain. Maybe he had said too much.

"Thank you, Derek." She said genuinely. She did not need to burn her bridge. She had to make a nice break with the possibility to step back in. "I wish you luck. With your ex. I mean, I hope this helps her. It's not often that people get over such tragedies. But like you always said... She is incredibly strong. If anyone can, she will." Alexis said with a smile. She was a kind woman, but she had to get her snide comment in there. Meredith killed someone. She was a killer. That made her second rate. She couldn't be trusted. In Alexis's mind, she should never be able to see her son again.

"She's my wife." Derek said smartly. That was something that he had always wanted to say to her.

"Excuse me?" Alexis asked as she looked into his eyes. Derek looked back into hers. She had been pushing it for awhile. He did not like Meredith referred to as ex. He liked her name. She had a name.

"You keep referring to Meredith as my ex. Meredith will always be my wife. In my heart, we never got divorced." Derek explained. It was how he felt. He was praying that after all this was over that he could go back to being her husband. At the very least he would love to be tolerated by her. Being loved would be best. "I love Meredith."

Well, Derek, that is really sweet. Most men don't feel that way after they go through what you went through. Having her just walk away. Having to go through such a fight. It shows how great you are." Alexis pointed out. Not there were both playing the game.

Alexis and Derek were both being painfully nice on purpose. They were each getting in digs. Alexis was so mad that her work was in vain. Nothing she did to secure Derek worked. She knew that they most amazing and intelligent man in the world lived across the hall from her, and yet she could not snag him. She thought for sure she would have been able to convince him to give her a chance. Especially having Liam in her corner.

"Well, Derek... If you need anything, you know where I am." She said with a faint smile as she grabbed her purse off the table.

"I do appreciate everything you have done. Liam needed you. And- I can't repay you for that." Derek told her with a nod and a smile. "Good luck." Derek told her with a nod.

"This sounds a lot like goodbye." She said sadly as she looked into his eyes.

"It is goodbye." Derek pointed out with a frank nod. "I am starting over. I am regaining what I lost. Mer and I- we will make it." Derek told her with a smile, making sure she got the point.

"Well, good luck with that." Alexis said as she reached for Derek's hand. He pulled his hand away and opened the door. Alexis dropped her head and walked out. Derek shook his head. He was thankful he knew what he and Alexis had. They had nothing. Nothing at all.

Derek shook his head as he shut the door. He had the feeling that Alexis was upset with him. He wasn't really sure why she was upset. She had no reason to be upset. It wasn't as if she should have expected anything more. She was just a babysitter and a decent friend. She needed to get a grip. Derek watched as she pulled away from his house. As great as she had been, it actually felt good to see her leave.

"LP..." Derek said with a smile as he looked over at Liam in the port-a-crib. "Hey! Don't do that! We don't do that!" Derek said quickly as he rushed over to the crib. Liam was halfway out with his legs thrown over. "What are you doing?"

"Lee out." Liam said frankly as he hung from the side. Derek rushed as quickly as he could to the crib, but not before it started to topple over. Derek tried to grab Liam, but it was too late. The boy crashed to the floor and began crying.

"Oh! Liam..." Derek said sadly as he knelt down. His boy's face scrunched up as he looked into his blue eyes. It didn't take long for him to realize that he needed to cry. Derek watched as he burst into tears. "Oh... It's okay, buddy." Derek said softly. He had seen the boy fall and knew that it wasn't that hard. He was fortunate enough to fall onto a blanket that had been left on the floor.

"Lee, hur... Lee hur. Da!" Liam cried as he hid his face in Derek's chest. Derek rubbed his tiny back, trying to soothe him. "Da... Mama! Mamamaaa!" Liam screamed as he looked around. Derek frowned. Every time that Liam was hurt, he would look for Meredith. Meredith was never there.

"I'm sorry, Liam. Mom wants to be here. Mom really wants to be here." Derek told him as he sat down on the sofa. Liam continued to sob, obviously in distress. "I'm so sorry, son. So sorry."

Derek sat there and held his son until he fell asleep. It broke his heart that Liam had to cry himself to sleep because he missed his mom. Derek laid his head back and let his own tears slide down his cheeks. He was just as broken as the boy, he just didn't do such a good job showing it. Just as he felt himself drift off to sleep, he heard the doorbell ring. He looked across the room and saw what looked to be Ellis standing at the door. Derek laid Liam down on the sofa and placed pillows around him before he ventured off.

"Derek..." Ellis said softly as he opened the door. Derek looked into her eyes, she was just as sad as he. He found it to be a shock to his system. She never ceased to amaze him. "I went to see her."

"She was bad, right?" Derek asked as he looked at her and then down at the floor. Ellis looked away, not wanting to risk looking him in the eyes. She knew if she did, she would break.

"She was bad." Ellis confirmed as she played with her hands. Meredith had the same nervous habit and Derek was shocked to see her doing it. "She was dazed. She made absolutely no sense whatsoever. They still have her on the Haldol and she is a zombie."

"I see it everyday." Derek pointed out. Ellis was right. They put her on the Haldol to keep her from hurting herself. Derek couldn't help but think they were hurting her by not letting her have the opportunity to think clearly. "She has been on it non-stop. It's gotten ridiculous." Derek stated firmly. He was angry about it. He was angry that she laid day in and day out in a haze.

"Not to mention she is at Seattle Grace. I think we both know what that is like." Ellis pointed out. She was referring to the never ending gossip that surrounded Meredith's recent medical distress. "I don't know what it will be like for her once she recovers..."

"We will cross that bridge when we get there." Derek pointed out with a nod. Ellis smiled in agreement. "Right now, I just want her to have the chance to heal. Without the meds."

"Drugging her up will do nothing for her state of mind." Ellis said with a nod. "She cannot heal if they don't let her think clearly and speak."

"I agree. I'm assuming Dr. Donaldson told you about Claireridge?" Derek said with raised brows as he looked at her. Ellis gave him a look that told him that she had no idea what he was talking about. "Okay... I guess not."

"Claireridge?" Ellis asked as they walked into the kitchen. Derek wanted a snort of scotch so badly. He refused. He knew he could more than handle it, but with Liam having fell, he refused and poured Ellis a glass.

"Claireridge is the premier facility for this type of problem. Meredith is not crazy. Even Dr. Donaldson has said that. She is suffering from Post-traumatic stress. She is very confused. She knows that she isn't okay, but she has no way to right herself. It's like she is in a snow globe and she is bouncing all around and cannot focus." Derek explained as he watched Ellis sip her amber liquid. "Claireridge is the best facility in the US. It's in Arizona. We both decided that she should go. We're leaving tomorrow." Derek pointed out as he looked over, making sure Liam was still asleep.

"Tomorrow..." Ellis repeated in shock. She couldn't believe he had made such a big decision so quickly. More importantly without consulting her. "You are taking my daughter and grandson to Arizona tomorrow?" She asked frankly. Derek looked into her eyes. Maybe she should have talked to her about it.

"I was going to come over later, Ellis. This has just been so much." Derek said with a sigh. He regretted not talking to her about it. He regretted not letting her in on the decision. He was so used to her not being around, he forgot to include her. "I was going to come over later and discuss it with you."

"But you already made the arrangements, Derek. You were never going to include me on the decision making." She said with a frown as she looked into his eyes.

"Claireridge is the foremost mental health institute in the US. She needs this. I'm not taking this decision lightly. It's not as if I am locking her up. They have new ways of treating her. Liam could be part of it. I would be part of it. It won't be about locking her away. I need her. I need her to come home. This is the only way." Derek said softly. He needed Ellis to agree with him. He needed her support. "I need you to agree, Ellis. I need you to be on board. I won't do it if you don't want me to."

"If this is what you think she needs, I'm on board. I hate to see- I'll miss them." Ellis said as she walked into the house and over to the sofa. She looked down at her sleeping grandson and smiled. It broke her heart. She couldn't imagine not seeing him. She knew it could be a long time before Meredith was in a better place. She knew it could be a long time before she saw him again.

"I just want him to have his mom." Derek told her as he walked over and rubbed his son's head. "He is the one suffering here. He is the one that is getting the short end of the stick. I just want him to have his mom. He deserves his mom."

"He does." Ellis agreed with a nod. "Has he had dinner? Have you had dinner?" She asked as she looked around. She knew that Derek had a new nanny but she had never met her.

"I haven't gotten there yet. Not even close. I am just trying to take it in. I need to absorb this. It's so much." Derek explained as he sat down. Ellis looked sown at him. She knew that he had more on his plate than most men cared to deal with.

"Okay.. I'll go get some take-out. I haven't eaten yet either. How does Mexican sound?" She asked as she looked around.

"That sounds great." Derek said with a nod and a smile. "And enchilada would be perfect. Extra sour cream." Derek added as he looked over at Liam. "I'll make something for him. The nanny said she did, but she usually doesn't feed him enough." Derek pointed out. That was one downfall of Alexis. She never gave him enough food.

"I'll be right back." Ellis told him with a smile as she grabbed her purse. Derek sighed in relief as the door clicked shut. He felt good that she was on board with him. He really needed to hear that.

Derek gently rubbed Liam's head. He loved the way his baby-soft hair felt under his fingers. There was so much about Liam that reminded him of Meredith. Derek felt like he had a piece of Meredith by his side although she was the one that he really needed. He missed so many of the little things about her. He missed the way she snored gently right by his ear. He missed the way she swirled her strawberry ice cream into soup. He missed the way she would brush the hair out of her face when she was nervous. There was so much he missed. He missed it all. Even the bad.

Derek knew that he had to pack for their trip. There was so much to do. There was so much that had to be done before they could go. Derek wasn't planning on packing everything but the kitchen sink. He already had a house that he would be renting. The rental car would be at the airport waiting for him. Everything was in line. He just needed to figure out how he would take care of Liam. He would do whatever he needed to do.

"Okay, buddy. You need your crib while dad does some packing." He told his son as he scooped him up. Liam stirred slightly and then laid limp in Derek's arms as he carried him up the stairs. "Someone must have played hard today." Derek pointed out as he laid him down in his crib. "Sleep well, LP... Tomorrow is going to be a big day for us." He told him as he pulled the tiny blanket over him.

Derek walked into their room. Since Meredith had been gone, he slept in their bed. He felt closer to her in their bed. He hadn't washed the throw pillows. They smelled like her. He grasped at anything that smelled like her. He even found himself smelling her Pre de Provence lavender conditioner from France. He needed her. When he would smell that, he would close his eyes and he could swear he felt her next to him.

Derek packed himself a modest bag. He didn't need much. He took a little bit of the essentials. He took enough clothes that he would be able to wear something different, but not so many that he was overpacking. He also took a bag for Meredith with her favorite clothes and her favorite bath items. He wasn't exactly sure on their policy, but he was sure she would have a private room. Just as Derek finished packing Liam's bag, he heard Ellis walk in.

"That was fast." Derek said with a smile as he trotted down the stairs. Ellis smiled as she sat the bags down on the kitchen table. Derek could already smell the distinct scent of the onions hanging in the air.

"They weren't busy." She told him as she pulled out the containers of food, pointing out his. She had them add two tacos onto his order, hoping he would eat well. Derek smiled faintly as he sat down across from her. Derek could tell she was wanting to say something. He was waiting. He knew it was coming. "I talked to Richard... He and I- I want to go. If you will allow me... I want to come with you. I need to help. I need to help my little girl. If you will let me." She told him as she looked up. Derek looked at her in shock. It only took him a second for the answer to come to his lips.

"Of course... Ellis... I'm so glad you said something. I need you to come. Liam and I- We would love for you to come with us." Derek smiled as he said it. He did need her.


	56. A Fight

Liam was a bear on the plane. Derek had never been so humiliated in all of his life. No matter what he did, Liam insisted on being wild. He couldn't help but think that if Meredith was around, he wouldn't be doing it. He knew that if Meredith was around, Liam would be absolutely perfect. He knew in his heart that it wasn't true, but he held her at such a high regard. He was quickly forgetting all the problems they ever had and only remembering they love that they started with.

Derek walked through the airport with his son in his arms. They had to collect their baggage, and once again, Liam was not behaving. Derek couldn't wait to get out of the airport and away from the people that were staring. It seemed like everyone was waiting for him to do something. They were waiting for him to discipline his son, and he wasn't doing it. He was unsure of exactly what to do. This was when he needed Meredith. He needed a consult.

"Lee down!" Liam screamed as he kicked his father, thrashing in his arms. Derek felt so helpless as he looked at his son, who was definitely overpowering him. "Noooow!" Liam demanded.

That was it. Derek stopped in his tracks. Now. It was a definite now. Liam had never done that before. He had never demanded now. In fact, it was a word that he rarely used, and he was wondering just where he got it from. Ellis and Richard looked in shock. They had heard it too. Ellis was waiting for a response from Derek. He needed to respond. He needed to let Liam know that demanding was not the way to go.

"Da! Daaaa!" Liam wailed as he twisted his body. "Lee down! Now!" He shouted as he kicked Derek's side again.

"Where did he learn this?" Derek asked Ellis as he stood there in shock. He thought back to Alexis. Everything was now with her. She was always using the word. It was a simple word, and yet it could be a really bad word for a demanding little boy. Alexis was the likely candidate.

"I have no idea." Ellis said in semi shock as she looked at the boy.

"Liam. No! This is bad, Liam!" Derek said firmly, but without yelling. "We don't act this way." He explained as he walked away from Richard and Ellis, waving them to go on. "Liam!" Derek said again, noticing that the boy was not paying attention. Liam looked over at his dad and into his dark eyes. "You are being a bad boy right now. You cannot act this way. Dad is very busy and we are in a busy place right now. It is not time to play. I promise we will play when we get home. We can't play right now. You be a good boy for dad for a little while longer." Derek explained as he stoked Liam's cheek. He wasn't sure if he did it right. He was unsure of everything at this point. All his confidence as a parent was gone.

Liam looked at his dad. Derek was sure that the wheels were spinning. The little boy seemed to have comprehended what he said. Derek was grateful for that. He was grateful that his son was now quiet in his arms and looking around. He seemed content at the moment. It was at that moment when they shared respect and love for each other. It was a moment when Derek realized he could not do it alone. He needed his Meredith.

"Good boy, Liam." Derek said with a smile as he kissed him on the head. "See all the people? You have to stay in daddy's arms so you don't get hurt." Derek explained as he walked along, rubbing his head.

"Lee hur?" Liam asked Derek. Derek knew that Liam know that word, having seen his mother hurt so much. A boy should never have to see the face of his bruised and battered mom. Derek knew he would forget that he had ever seen the images, but for now, it was obviously fresh in his mind.

"No. You aren't hurt. You could be through. You could be stepped on. Or lost..." Derek explained. He loved talking to his son. He loved that he knew he was molding a person and his vocabulary all at the same time.

"Los?" Liam asked as he looked around. Derek smiled. Derek smiled because he son was that great. He was carrying the greatest gift in the world, right in his arms. Derek looked up at Ellis and Richard who had all of their bags on the cart and were waiting.

"I think we have everything. Does this look like it all?" Richard asked as he took another count.

"It is. Sans your bags. I'm not sure what you had. Ours are all there." Derek told him as he took a count. All of a sudden he felt Liam's mouth on his cheek, giving him a sloppy kiss. Right then, he found it almost impossible to hold it in. He could feel that love he shared with his son. It was amazing. It was out of nowhere. That was how Meredith had raised him. She raised a sweet boy.

"He seems good." Ellis pointed out, impressed with Derek's parenting skills. "You got to him." She added as they walked along. Derek smiled as he rubbed his son's back. They took the short walk to the car rental booth and picked up their keys. Derek was happy to be moving forward. He felt like they were accomplishing something. It felt like they were taking steps to help her.

"Okay, LP... Not long now." Derek explained as he strapped his son into the seat of the SUV. "We will be going to our new home." Liam smiled as he sat there and looked around. It wasn't fifty yards down the road as Derek looked back in the rearview mirror. His son was already asleep. It was a good feeling.

"He was tired." Richard pointed out as he looked into the back seat, seeing Liam with his head to the side. The boy looked like he had been through a war.

"He was. That's why he was getting so bad." Derek pointed out. "But this demanding stuff, it has to go. I won't have it." Derek explained. "I think he picked that up from Alexis." Derek groaned as he followed the directions to the address for their new house.

"Who is Alexis?" Ellis asked as she looked up at Derek, who was looking at her in the rearview window. Derek looked back at Ellis, forgetting that he never told her about Alexis.

"Um... Alexis was Liam's babysitter for the last few weeks." Derek said, making it simple. He didn't want her to know. There wasn't anything more, but he didn't want her to know that Alexis thought there could be more.

"I thought Liam's babysitter was Erin?" Ellis asked. It was obvious that she was going to get to the bottom of it. She was good at picking up on things, and she knew that there was a bit more, just by the way he was acting.

"Erin actually quit a while ago. I had to hire someone else. I hired my neighbor." Derek explained as he drove along. He grumbled loudly as he realized he missed his street. He huffed as he turned around in a parking lot.

"Your neighbor? You and Meredith don't have any neighbors." Ellis said quickly as she looked into his eyes. She knew that there was something going on. Even if there wasn't, she knew that it wasn't the whole story

"Um... It's not our neighbor. Alexis is my neighbor... From the apartment building. My apartment building." He added. He wasn't even going to look in the mirror. He knew that she was already judging. He couldn't help but be a little miffed. It was as if she really cared. She hadn't much cared about Meredith before, and now she was acting like she deserved mother of the year, and like she could judge him.

"Oh. I see." She said simply as she looked away. She liked Derek. Derek was someone that she trusted. And now she couldn't help but be a little mad. She wasn't even sure why she was. Maybe it was jealously. Maybe she didn't want her daughter's ex-husband around another woman. She had never been like that before, but now she was. She worried about her daughter. Meredith didn't need to recover, only to find this out. "I see..."

"What do you see?" Derek asked, feeling a little on edge. Missing the road didn't help, and he couldn't concentrate on the directions when he was thinking about her judging him. "I guess I don't understand?" He snapped quickly as he followed the road.

"I just think- Did she have any qualifications, or did you hire her because she was pretty?" Ellis said quickly. It was obvious that is was going to be a fight.

"Ellis! I think you are being a bit harsh. Maybe you could ask in a different way... There is no reason for you to be so rude." He told her as he looked back. Ellis huffed as she looked away and out the passenger backseat window.

"I hired her because I was desperate and she was available." Derek said loudly. "Your daughter needed me at the hospital. Your daughter needed me, and my son needed someone. I can't help it that I didn't have time to sit for hours and interview people. I knew her, and I thought there would be no problems with her doing the job." Derek said as he went around their new neighborhood.

"So you knew her. I see." Ellis said quickly. Derek was getting angry that she continued to say I see. It was a shot at him, and he knew it. He clenched his jaw, not wanting to fight with a woman that he would be living with. He looked down at the paper and then up at the address on the house. They were home.

img/images/img01.jpg/img

"This looks perfect." Richard pointed out, trying to stay neutral in this fight that had broken out. "This will be perfect."

"I thought so. It has three bedrooms." Derek told him as he backed the car into the driveway so that they would be able to get their things out easily.

Derek did not say a word to Ellis. He didn't think that it was necessary to counter her again. She was not going to back down. Ellis Grey never backed down. She was a fighter, and Derek knew it. He knew she was just protecting Meredith, but that didn't mean that it wasn't making him angry. He quickly opened the car door and opened up the back door to get his son. Liam was sleeping peacefully and Derek was glad. He needed a few minutes of silence, and he knew that Liam would stay asleep for his regular nap time.

"Here, I'll get it." Richard said with a smile as he grabbed the keys out of Derek's hand. Derek held Liam closely to to his chest as he waited for Richard to open the door. He didn't look over at Ellis. He didn't want to argue over something that didn't even matter. Derek drew in a breath as he walked into the clean furnished house. It really was perfect at the moment. It was so much better than a hotel. Derek walked around with satisfaction, finally laying Liam down in the crib. As he walked out, he looked up at Ellis, who was standing in the kitchen.

"I think we need to talk." Derek said quickly. They were not starting off on a bad foot.

"Yes. I think you are right." Ellis agreed as she looked into his eyes. She was miffed at him, for sure. Maybe she didn't have a lot of rights where her daughter was concerned, but she thought she had some.

"I was desperate." Derek explained as he looked into her eyes. They were a touch like her daughter's, just a little bit colder.

"Okay." Ellis replied with confusion. She didn't understand exactly why Derek would be desperate.

"Meredith was really not well. Meredith is not well. It was a bad day. It was a horrible day. I had fought with Dr. Donaldson all day. First, he was hiding from me. I would come around the corner and he would run the other way. There was no question that he was avoiding. And then when I finally did trap him, he wrote it all of. He said she had to be on the Atavan, and there was no other option. I couldn't take it. I could take being there and seeing that, but at the same time, I couldn't do anything about it." Derek explained as he grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and examined it. He knew that a housekeeper had come in. At the moment, it was good enough for him.

"I understand... But what does that have to do with sending my grandson off with an unfit babysitter?" She asked frankly as she placed her hand on her hip.

Derek felt his jugular vein begin to bulge. He felt his jaw clench. He was getting angry. Just who did she think she was. She had no rights. She was the one that let her daughter suffer through her whole childhood. She let a man almost rape her because she was jealous. Derek didn't like this. He knew in his heart that she had no right to speak this way. Not when she had done such a bad job herself.

"With all due respect, Ellis, do you really think you have the right to question my parenting?" Derek asked as he looked her in her cold eyes.

Ellis looked at Derek in shock. The man was being bold. She didn't like it. She didn't like it one bit. He was standing up to her. She was a strong woman who didn't go for a man standing up to her. She drew in breath. She may not have been the best parent, but she tried.

"Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ellis asked loudly as she glared into her son's eyes. She wanted to strangle him. She may have made mistakes, but she didn't need him to remind her of them.

"Take it as you feel you need to. I don't think that I need to point out the obvious. I mean, you were not a great mother. I don't think we can argue that, now can we?" Derek asked frankly.

By the look in her eyes, he knew he had pushed her too far. It was a mixture of things. He was angry at everything and everyone. It was all too much for him. His wife was in a mental institution. His son was without a mother. His world was falling apart, and now she was fighting him.

"I did the best I could! He father was never around. He was never there. I had to do it on my own. I was a resident working over one-hundred hours a week. I tried, you cannot blame me for that!" Ellis shouted. Richard rushed in and looked at the two, who were nose to nose.

"Sometimes there are priorities..." Derek snapped as he shook his head.

"Oh yes... You would know about that, wouldn't you? You are the man that my daughter _divorced_ because you were never around. Why weren't you around, Derek? Oh yes, because you didn't know what your priorities were. You are pathetic. You stand here and be condescending hypocrite! You are the bastard here. She loved you, and you dumped her off. I saw her pain. She just wanted you, and all you wanted was the hospital." Ellis growled as she felt Richard's hand on her arm.

"Ellis..." Richard warned as he looked at her. He could see that what she had said had affected Derek greatly.

Derek turned around to hide the tears that were streaming down his face. He was ashamed. She was right. He left his wife all alone. He abandoned her so that he could be the big man. He was more concerned about his career than his wife. Derek wiped his eyes with his hand and sniffled. He made himself sick. He was the main reason that everything had gone wrong. His stomach knotted up as he leaned on the counter.

"I think mistakes were made on both ends." Richard finally said regretfully.

"I think you're right." Ellis agreed. She knew that she was a bad mother, but for awhile, Derek had been a bad husband.

"I need to go make sure that she made it okay." Derek said as he looked at the floor and walked towards the door. "Can you watch Liam?"

"Of course." Richard agreed as he watched Derek put his hand on the doorknob. "He will be fine."

"Derek... Please... Just call- Call me and let me know that she is okay." Ellis said softly.

"I will." Derek agreed as he opened the door and walked out. How could so many have wronged Meredith? It wasn't fair.


	57. Realizations

Derek thought about what had gone down the whole way to the facility. Richard was right. They had both wronged Meredith in so many ways. It broke his heart that he was such a disappointment to her. He felt immense guilt. He had ended up turning into exactly what he never wanted to. He was the man that he wished he had never become. He was what he promised her he would never be.

Derek pulled up to the facility and looked in shock. It looked nothing like an institution. It was just as he saw on the internet. It was exactly the way that they had represented it to him. This was his new hope. His new hope was surrounded in bricks and mortar. His hope had lush grass, beautiful flowers and a tranquil atmosphere. He needed this hope. He needed this to work.

"Hello. How may I help you?" The kind woman at the the desk asked as she looked up at Derek. Derek looked at her. She was young and vibrant. He saw a bit of Meredith in her. These days, he was seeing Meredith in everyone. He needed to. He was grasping for any fragments of his wife.

"Yes. My wife is here... She just came in." Derek said with a smile as he looked up at her. She wasn't his wife anymore, but she would always be in his heart. "Meredith Shep- Meredith Grey." He clarified.

"Oh yes. She came in a few hours ago." The woman said as she looked at her computer screen. "If you could let me see your id, I will scan a copy of it. We also need a scan of your finger for access to her floor." The receptionist explained. "I know it seems a bit obtrusive, but we have found that it is safest for both the patients and the families."

"No... I understand. I'm more than willing to do whatever I need to do." Derek explained with a smile as he placed his id on the counter and slid it over with his index and middle fingers.

"Thank you very much... Dr. Shepherd." She said as she read his id. "Let me go make a copy of this, then I will have you come with me to the scanner to get your finger done. We always use the right index." She explained as she went to walk away. "I will be okay."

Derek looked around at the smiling faces. He was expecting something to jump out and scream danger. He smiled when he realized that things really were the way they seemed. He knew that Meredith was unwell, but he also knew she wasn't too far gone. She just needed help. She needed to figure out how to get through the labyrinth that was her mind.

"Right this way, Dr. Shepherd." Carol said as she led Derek down a small hallway. Derek looked as they walked into a room and took it in. "Okay, this is just a simple fingerprint scan. It only takes a few minutes" She told him as she wiped the machine with an alcohol swab. "Please place your right index finger on here. Don't remove it until the red beam had passed and turns off." She told him as she presented the machine to him.

"Okay." Derek said with a smile as he placed his finger on the scanner. "Painless." Derek teased as he pulled it away. Carol walked over and placed Derek's information in the machine.

"Okay... I'm sure you would like to see Ms. Grey now." She told him with a smile. Derek nodded his head and followed her to the desk at the entrance. "I will page someone to take you up there. I'm sure that Dr. Taylor will want to speak to you the moment he is free." She explained as she grabbed the phone and paged someone.

"I hope so." Derek pointed out as he stood there and looked around. Everything about Clairidge was calm and clean. Tranquility reined supreme.

"Hello, Sir. I'm John. I will take you up to Dr. Grey's floor." He explained as he stuck his hand out. Derek gladly shook it, wanting to be friends with anyone that had anything to do with his wife.

"I'm Derek Shepherd." Derek said with a smile as they walked off. Both men scanned their fingers and proceeded towards Meredith's area.

As they walked, Derek looked around with a smile on his face. People were in their rooms, looking somewhat content. The rooms weren't like most rooms. They were homey. They still had the features of a psychiatric unit. Things were bolted down for the patients own safety, but it was still nice. It wasn't harsh and cold like so many were. Derek knew she wouldn't be happy, but was so much better than where she had been.

"Dr. Shepherd?" A man said as he walked up to Derek. Derek looked at the young doctor. He looked fresh. He looked like he had an open mind. He looked like he wasn't yet dragged down by misery and unsuccessful cases.

"Yes?" Derek asked as he looked at. He had read his tag and knew who was.

"I'm Dr. Taylor. Let's talk about your wife." He told him as he nodded towards the hallway and motioned for him to come along. "I have observed her. I think... She is troubled, but she in in there. I can see it in her eyes."

"Yes..." Derek muttered with a smile on his face. "Her eyes...You can see everything in her eyes."

Derek followed the man down the hallway. It was so light and fresh. Derek felt that he could take in a breath and get fresh air no matter where he was in the place. Derek walked into Dr. Taylor's office and took the seat that he motioned to. His office was light and airy with pictures of smiling patients on his walls. Derek was sure that they were success cases. He was hoping that someday there would be a picture of Meredith on that wall.

"I have gathered bits and pieces of this case." Dr. Taylor said as he pulled out her folder. "It seems that not much was done for her. I'm not sure I understand why she has been on the medications for so long. Have they not tried any therapy?" He asked quickly.

"You know, I think they planned on just shoving her aside. I tried to figure out what we could do for her, but the brain is my specialty and not in this way. I go in. I cut. I fix the problem. This is a whole different world. This is were you come in. It took me forever to find this place, but I knew if anyone could help her, you could." Derek told him with a nod.

"I think I can. I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't believe it. In fact, we took her off all medication today. Well, everything except for the slight bit of pain medication. I think her shoulder was hurting her. Seattle Grace made it a point to tell us that she needed physical therapy, but that they hadn't done it." Dr. Taylor explained.

"She had the surgery on her rotator cuff. She had to have it done, but no, they did no therapy. They couldn't. They couldn't get her under control." Derek explained as he thought back to the hell they had both endured.

"Her brain is in a very sensitive place right now. I'm not even sure what she will act like when she becomes fully awake. I have always been a fan of loved ones being part of this process. In fact, when we are done talking here, I'd like take you to her." Dr. Taylor said with a smile as he looked over the chart again. "This poor girl has been through quite a trauma. I have read this police report over and over again. I can say this, she is strong. She protected herself and her family. That says a lot." He told him with a nod.

"She has always been great." Derek replied with a weak smile. "The best..."

Derek sat there and discussed what happened the night that Meredith changed forever. It was a night that Derek would love to forget forever, but he was sure that is would be ingrained in his brain for all eternity. Many nights when Derek would lay down to go to sleep, he would see her thrusting the blade into her attacker's chest. He would never forget the blood looking so black in the moonlight.

Derek and Dr. Taylor walked down the long hallways and to the corridor that contained Meredith's room. He couldn't wait to see her, no matter what state she was in. Her light green eyes had a way of lifting his spirits and replenishing his soul. He couldn't wait to see her honey colored hair, laying around her face, making her look like an angel.

"Okay... As I said, Derek, there is no way of knowing how she will react. The brain is a complicated thing, as you well know. She could respond in any number of ways. I just want you to be prepared for what is to come." He said as he opened the door to her room. "Meredith... How are you today?" Dr. Taylor asked as he walked in.

Derek watched as Meredith instinctively curled up to protect herself. Her eyes were all over the room and all over the man. Then her eyes hit Derek's. In all the years, and all of the trauma he still looked at her with the same eyes that he had on that first day. She looked confused, but he could tell that she felt everything that they had always shared.

"Der- Derek..." Meredith muttered as she looked at him. A smile a mile wide covered Derek's face as he looked at her. She wasn't screaming. She wasn't hiding. She was there. She was afraid, but she was there.

"Hey, you." Derek said with a smile as he walked over and grabbed her hand. Meredith immediately relaxed and focused solely on him. "How do you feel?" He asked, unsure of what to ask her.

"I hurt. I hurt right here. It's owe-y." She said in a slightly childish manner as she pointed to her rotator cuff. Derek looked at her with a little bit of shock, but it went unnoticed by her.

"Dr. Taylor... Meredith says her shoulder is hurting her." Derek explained as he looked over.

"I will talk to the nurse. We don't want you in any pain, Meredith. You tell us if something is wrong, okay? I'm Dr. Taylor, by the way." He said as he shook her hand. She gave Derek a questioning look before she actually accepted it.

"Hello." Meredith said with a smile. "Derek... Why am I here?" She asked as she looked at him and then at Dr. Taylor.

"You are here to get better." Derek said, knowing that by saying that he was not lying to her.

"Hello, Ms. Grey..." The nurse said as she walked into the room. "How are we feeling?"

"Shh... My name isn't Grey! It's Thompson. Oh my god, Derek... You need to leave. What if John finds out you are here!" Meredith said in a panic. Derek looked up at Dr. Taylor. This wasn't good.

Derek looked over at Dr. Taylor. He was in shock. He was not expecting that reaction. He was expecting her to fly off the handle. He was expecting her to be upset. He never expected her to go so far back in time. Now he was wondering just what they were supposed to do. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to go along with it, or let it go. Dr. Taylor motioned for them to step to the side. Derek quickly jumped to his feet and followed the man.

"Who is John?" Dr. Taylor questioned as he watched Meredith sit there and speak to the nurse. She seemed concerned with just what they were giving her. She questioned why she was there over and over again.

"John is Meredith's... Husband. He died. A couple of years ago, he was murdered." Derek told him with a nod. All he could think about was how sad it would be when Meredith found out that John was actually dead. That would just add to the trauma that was her life.

"Oh... Wow. As if she needed that." Dr. Taylor said frankly as he looked into Derek's eyes. "I didn't see anything about that in her chart." He said with a nod.

"Well, this is the first time that Meredith has had any mental health issues. She just- I hate to even put it that way. Anyone would be traumatized after what happened to her. It was cruel. It was- She is lucky to be alive. If she hadn't killed him, he would have killed her. There is no question in my mind about that." Derek explained as he shuddered at the thought. "So what are we supposed to do about this?"

"We need to let it go, for the moment. I know that will be hard for you, but really that is the only option. She is in a halfway comfortable state at the moment. Right now, she isn't hurting or irate. I see no fear in her eyes. I think her brain just needs a chance to work itself out." Dr. Taylor explained with a nod and a smile.

"Okay." Derek agreed as he walked away and walked towards Meredith. "Hey, Mer... How are you feeling?"

"Good." Meredith said with a smile as she looked up at him. "I haven't seen John all day. Do you know where he is? I think he would be upset to know that you are here." Meredith said with a nod.

"He is out of town on business. Some huge case. I guess he will be gone for awhile. But you have me, Mer. I am here." Derek told her as he grabbed her hand.

"I do. I have you, Derek. I feel so bad. I don't know how I will tell him. He needs to know that I want you. I want a life with you. You can be chief! I know you have always wanted to be chief..." Meredith pointed out with a nod and a smile.

"Being chief isn't everything, Mer. It's not even close." Derek said with a frown as he thought back to how their lives had gone to pot because he had to be chief. Derek looked into her eyes, thinking of how beautiful she was the day they got married in the Italian Riviera. He would never forget that sparkle that never seemed to fade. It was a sparkle that she had kept, even through her most difficult times.

"But It's something that you want! Derek! If you want it, you should go for it." She told him happily as she looked into his eyes. "You have a shot. Me... I'm just trying to figure out a specialty." She explained with a smile. "I'm really not sure what I'm going to do."

"You should do whatever makes you happy." Derek told her happily. "Everyone has to make themselves happy."

"Yes, they do. It doesn't just come along. It never just jumps in your lap." Meredith explained with a nod. "You just have to find it on your own."

"That is true, but sometimes, there is someone who can make you happier than you ever imagined on your own." Derek told her as he rubbed tiny circle on her hand with the pad of his thumb.

"Yeah..." Meredith agreed as she looked into his eyes, getting lost deep inside. She felt so comfortable. She felt so much better than she had in all the time she could remember. John was always there for her, but she could never truly appreciate the love that he was more than willing to give her. She never understood how much she wasn't in love with John until she met Derek. Once she met the love of her life, she knew what love really was. "Derek... Will you lay with me? Since John is out of town, I think it would be safe. I just- Will you?" She asked softly, almost expecting him to say no, although she was unsure why.

"Of course I will lay with you!" Derek said happily. It had been so long since he had laid with her. She hadn't wanted him to lay with her in so long, her soft body against his was a distant memory. Derek had been afraid to ask her. He had been afraid to push her over the edge and into Craig arms. He was so glad he didn't. He wondered just what would have happened if she had been involved with Craig.

"You smell good." Meredith told Derek as he wrapped his arms around her. She could smell his unique manly scent, mixed with her favorite aftershave.

"Mmm... You smell better." Derek told her softly. She was missing her usual lavender scent, but she still smelled like his Meredith. Derek held her softly until she fell asleep. He could hear the faint sounds of her breathing, along with intermittent snoring. He had to get out of the bed. He never realized how hard it could be. He never wanted to leave her side. Not again.


	58. Waking Up

Derek looked into the eyes of his son. He felt so bad. Words could not describe the emotions that seemed to consume him. He felt as if his son was being wronged in the worst way. It had been a month, and Meredith was still confused. She seemed to jump around as far as time was concerned. Some days, it was as if she knew that John was dead, and other days she was talking about him coming to see her. Dr. Taylor explained over and over again that her brain was firing all over the place as she just needed to get her bearings.

"Are you really going to take him?" Ellis asked quickly.

Ellis had made her feelings known. She did not want Liam to go see Meredith. She couldn't stand the thought of Liam being denied by his mother. She couldn't even think of how the little boy would feel when Meredith looked into his eyes with a confused and blank stare. She had gotten closer than she had ever been to her grandson and she would do anything to keep him safe.

"Yes. Dr. Taylor thinks it is a good idea." Derek stated as he dressed Liam in Meredith's favorite outfit. He knew she loved the jeans and the tiny lime green polo shirt. She always said he was her little man.

"Oh... So Dr. Taylor thinks it's a good idea, huh? Well, I don't think so. In fact, I think it is the worst idea in the world. How are you going to feel if your son is denied? How will you feel if he looks at his mom and she has no idea who he is? Don't be an ass, Derek. Do not be an ass!" She growled.

"You know, Ellis... You are a a fine one to talk. If anyone in this world has a god complex it is you!" Derek said loudly. Liam's eyes got wide as he looked back and forth between his father and his grandmother.

"No!" Liam shouted at them both. "Nice!" He added. They both sighed as they looked at him. He was so much wiser than they were. He was a genius when it came to how to act.

"I'm sorry, buddy. Dad and Grandma are just upset. Everything is okay." He told him with a nod. "We need to go somewhere... Are you ready?"

"Derek! This is not right. How can you set him up for failure? How can you do this to your boy?" Ellis pleaded as she looked into his eyes.

"I need him to wake her up." Derek finally said sadly. "I thought I could do it. I thought I could wake her up. I was so wrong. She needs love. She needs the pure love that only Liam can give her. He has never hurt her. He is a a piece of her..."

"I get what you are saying. Really, I do. But this is so much bigger than your son. He can't be a pawn. He can't be the one to have his heart broken." Ellis told him frankly as she looked into his eyes.

"I have faith, Ellis. Maybe you should try it sometime." Derek said as he shot her down. He couldn't help but hate her in that moment. She was making excellent points that he knew in his heart were true, and yet he couldn't let it go.

"This isn't about faith, Derek! This is reality. This is the hopes of a small child. This is his everything we are talking about here. he has been away from his mama for so long. It will break him. If she looks at him, and she has no idea who he is... That will break this boy." She growled. "I wish you would get your head out of your ass."

"What is going on here? Why does the boy look like he is going to cry?" Richard asked as he looked at them all.

"Derek is taking him to see Meredith. She has no idea who he is, but he is taking his son. He is setting him up for the disappointment of a lifetime. I just can't allow it, Richard. This is my grandson and my daughter we are talking about!" Ellis said as she turned away, feeling the tears sting her eyes.

"Ellis... This is not our fight. As strongly as you feel, it is Derek's choice. I believe in my heart that Derek would never do anything to hurt his son." Richard said, trying to stay neutral.

"I believe that too. He wouldn't intentionally do it." Ellis said as she shook her head. "Just go. Go." She told him as she walked away.

Derek didn't say a word as he walked away. He had to do it. In his heart he knew that this had to be done. He knew that everything would be okay. Derek packed his son in the car, distracted by the sounds of him talking about his mom. He knew it would be good. He was praying it would be. He never said a word as he drove, arriving to the facility right on time.

Derek walked down the hallway. He was nervous and excited all at once. He wanted nothing more than to walk out of Claireridge with his wife and son, no matter how improbable it was. Derek nodded at Dr. Taylor as he walked down the hallway. He was heading to her room. They had talked about it over and over again. It was going to be okay. He told himself over and over that it would be okay.

"Derek!" Meredith said loudly as he opened her door. She looked at the little boy in his arms. He knew. At that point, Derek knew.

There was not a question in his mind. Liam knew exactly who Meredith was and she knew exactly who he was. There was no mistaking the look that Meredith gave. Their eyes met. It was blue and green, melting as he and Meredith once did, but in a different way. They were melding like mother and son. Meredith knew who her son was. She knew that she was a mom.

Derek didn't say a word. Seconds were stretched into minutes as mother and son connected in a way they hadn't in so long. It gave him hope of a new day and a new life. He could feel the love radiating off of Liam as he looked at the woman who held him in her womb for all those months. It was unconditional love from mother to son. It was something that could never be broken. No matter what life threw it them. No matter what disappointments came along the way. No matter what came along, he would always be her son. She would always be his mother. No matter what.

"Ma!" Liam screamed exuberantly as threw his arms out. Derek could hardly contain his son as he held him tightly.

Meredith's face lit up, but he could see confusion in her eyes. His moment of joy was quickly becoming a moment of heartbreak. He quickly realized that she didn't know her son's name. He wanted to scream at her. He wanted to shout Liam. He wanted to run over and shake the past into her. He wanted her to snap to so that they could rush back to Seattle and be everything they were meant to be. He wanted so many things in a time when he could do nothing.

Meredith knew he was her son. It wasn't that he said mom. It wasn't that he threw his arms out for her. It was the eyes. She knew those eyes. They were the eyes of his father. He was Derek's son. Derek was her everything. None of it made sense, and yet, it all made perfect sense. That was her boy. He was her son. Her child. Her flesh and blood. Her baby.

Meredith looked at him. She was grasping at straws. She was begging for just a glance. Just a hint. She needed something to grab onto to let her know. She needed to know who he was. In her heart, she knew who he was, and yet, she couldn't remember his name. She was begging Derek to mouth it. To mention it, but he didn't. He left her hanging in the middle of no where. She was flying without a net.

"Ma!" Liam said again, waiting for a response. Meredith looked at him as Derek walked over. "Ma! Lee!" Liam said loudly as he grabbed at her.

That was the moment that Derek saw it. He saw it all click in her head. She knew exactly who her son was. It was the most gratifying thing that Derek had ever seen. He had never been so happy in his life. He had been more than terrified that Meredith wouldn't know who her son was. He shared the same concerns as Ellis, and yet he had faith. And this time, faith was just what he needed.

"Liam! Leelee!" Meredith said happily as she threw her arms up. Derek allowed Liam to jump into her open and welcoming arms. "Liam..." She sighed as she held him against her chest.

Meredith didn't think about it. She didn't wonder how it all made sense. Instead, she just let things be. She basked in the loved that her son was providing. She could feel it through his touch and see it in his eyes. He was everything to her. There was no question in her mind that he was her life. She didn't remember the details, but she remembered him. She distinctly remembered giving birth to her son. It was the best day of her life.

"Ma!" Liam said as he nestled into her chest. "Lee lobe." He told her as he kissed her cheek.

"Mom loves you too, Leelee." Meredith told him as she kissed his head. Derek watched as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

Meredith was so angry at herself. She didn't understand how she could forget the most important thing in her life. Liam was at the top. As she looked up at Derek, she remembered bits and pieces. She remembered them being married and even the divorce. She remembered everything and it broke her heart. It broke her heart, but at the same time, she is so happy. She was relieved to be out of the mess that she had been living in. It was a dark place that made no sense and gave her no comfort.

"He has missed you." Derek told her softly, unsure of what else to say. Meredith pursed her lips to prevent herself from crying and nodded her head.

"I missed him too." She agreed with a smile. As she looked at him, she was still confused. She didn't want to ask. She had a feeling deep in the pit of her stomach. It was a dark feeling offering no comfort or solace. She knew she was in the room for a reason. "I love you, Liam Patrick Shepherd." She said, using his full name.

"All he has been doing is talking about his mom. He loves his mom more than anything. He has missed you more than you will ever know." Derek pointed out. "We all have." He added as he walked over and kissed her on the forehead, kissing his sleeping son too.

"Derek... Where am I?" meredith asked as she looked around. "I know this isn't Seattle Grace." She muttered as she looked around.

"You are at Claireridge." Derek explained as he looked around. It didn't look like a hospital, but it definitely wasn't home.

"Oh my god... I'm in a mental institution, aren't it?" Meredith cried as as she looked around. "Oh my god! Am I crazy?" She cried out.

"Oh god no! Mer! You are not crazy!" Derek told her quickly. "You are not."

Meredith looked into his eyes. She was finding some comfort in them, even if she was more confused than she had ever been. It was becoming quite clear in her mind that she was in a mental institution. As she looked around, she realized. She looked at the telltale signs. It may have been a nice mental facility, but it was still a nut house in her opinion. She looked at Derek with worried eyes while he returned a simple smile.

"Why am I here, Derek?" Meredith asked with a frown. She was still remaining quite rational, considering what was going on. "Derek! Why am I here?" She yelled softly, looking down at her sleeping son. Derek didn't realize how exhausted his son was until he saw him in his mother's arms.

"Something happened, Mer. Something bad happened." Derek said softly. He was unsure of what he should tell her. He needed Dr. Taylor in there, but at the same time, he was afraid that would only get her more upset.

"What, Derek? What happened?" Meredith asked again as she looked into his bright blue orbs. "Please... No matter what it is, just tell me!" She begged as she bore holes in his head.

"It's a long story, Mer. It's- It is a long story." He told her with a nod. "I'm not sure you want to know. Not yet. Just- Right now you are feeling good. Why don't we leave it that way?" Derek asked, not sure what to say, but knowing he needed to say something. He knew he did not want to tell her that she was technically a murderer whether it was in self-defense or not.

"Feeling good? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, Derek? I am not feeling good! Not at all! I only remember bits and pieces of my life. I woke up this morning and had no idea that I even had a son. So for you to say I am feeling good is insane. Goddamn it! Just tell me why I am here!" She screamed, waking Liam up.

Liam looked up at his mother, who was obviously upset. He couldn't help but feel her pain. As soon as their eyes met, he began to cry hard and clutch her shirt. He laid his head against her and sobbed as she whimpered softly. She had no idea what was going on, but she knew it was bad. She knew that there had to be a big reason for her to be in the bed that she was in.

"John is dead." Meredith said sadly as a tear slid down her cheek. She looked away. It hurt just as much as it did the day she found out. He husband was killed. "And you- We got married. We got married in Italy. It was perfect. Everyone was there..." She mused as she thought about their perfect day.

"Yes, we did. You were pregnant. You got pregnant-" Derek started to say as she looked at her.

"In the hot tub! Addison and Mark's. I remember. It was- Liam was conceived in that hot tub." Meredith giggled as she kissed her son, who was now looking up at her with a furrowed brow. The boy was definitely confused.

"Yes... I will never forget that night." He said with a laugh as he thought back. That night was burned into his brain forever, especially when he realized how significant it really was.

"We- You- You-" Meredith stammered as she began to cry again. Liam looked up at his mother and once again, took her lead. He cried softly as he looked at her. Derek looked to the side and saw Dr. Taylor there. Dr. Taylor nodded to let it go on.

"What, baby?" He asked as he leaned forward and rubbed her cheek.

"You- You took the job as chief! We got divorce!" She shouted loudly as she glared at him. "You never should have let it get that far! You were the love of my life! You never should have signed the papers! You were supposed to hold on forever. I hate you, Derek! How could you do that to me? I filed to make you realize. I pushed you away so you would come back stronger than ever. You walked away! How could you walk away from me?" She sobbed as she covered her face with her hands.

"I thought it was what you wanted!" Derek said frankly. "I pushed you away with my job... I made your life hell. And then you begged me to let you go. I thought it was the least I could do. At least I could let you go once and for all. At least I could allow you to be happy, even if I would never be happy again without you. I just wanted to make you happy, Mer. I made your life hell. I made a mistake. But when it came down to it, all I wanted was your happiness." He warned as he turned away and let a tear run down his cheek.

"I never wanted it. I wanted you to fight for us. I wanted you to be here for your son and your wife. I thought you would try harder. I guess I was wrong." She admitted sadly.

"I'm so sorry, Mer. You will never know how sorry I am." He told her with a nod. "I love you and Liam more than life. I was so selfish..."

"Well..." Meredith started as she looked up at him. "Now is your chance. Now you can make it right. Do you want to?" meredith asked as she looked at him.

Derek nodded exuberantly as he leaned in and kissed her. He felt so great at that moment. He felt as if there was hope for them. Hope for a real happy ending. Derek looked up at Dr. Taylor who had a big smile on his face. Neither thought about the looming situation over them. Neither thought about Craig's death. Right now, things were okay. And that was perfect.


	59. Missing Mom

Meredith slept soundly with her son in her arms. Derek and Dr. Taylor stood in the hallway, Derek listening to the faint sounds of her soft snoring. It was a sound that he missed so much, never believing that it was possible. It was amazing what you miss when you no longer have it. The little reminders that someone is there. It's the reminders that they still exist in the world. She was sleeping so soundly and peacefully with her son in her arms. It was the perfect sight for Derek. It made him feel that life was worth living.

"I had no idea what to say." Derek admitted as he stood there and stared into the doctor's brown eyes. Derek always got an honest feel from Dr. Taylor, which gave him much comfort.

"You said the right thing. We need to let her remember this trauma on her own. Reminding her or pushing it out of her in only going to send her spiraling into distress." Dr. Taylor said with a smile. "It is going to be difficult, but I am hoping that this will come on it's own."

"She wants to know. Meredith is pusher. Meredith is the type of person who won't stop until she gets answers. I know you can't see it, but she is strong. Meredith is incredibly strong." Derek told him with a nod.

"I can see that. She is a fighter. I see her fighting spirit in her eyes." Dr. Taylor said with a nod. Every time Derek spoke to the man, he was more impressed. He really seemed to be in tune with his patients. He was a better doctor than any one that Seattle Grace had to offer.

"She is." Derek told him. "And Liam... I took a big chance, bringing him down here. Of all things, the last thing I want it for that little boy to get hurt. He doesn't deserve it." Derek told him frankly, letting him know that he would never risk his son again.

"The love for her child is what woke her up. I had a feeling it would be. The mother and child bond is stronger than anything I have ever witnessed." He told Derek with a nod. "And I have a feeling that your wife is well on her way. Knowing what she did... It will be hard on her. We just need to explain that had to do it. I think in her heart she knows that."

"She did have to do it. Meredith... She is a protector. She saved me and Liam. She is the hero in this story. She is the strong one. She is amazing..." Derek muttered. "And she is willing to give me a second chance. She is... I love her." He added. He couldn't believe it was working out. Through tragedy, he still saw all the hope there was. It was right there on the horizon.

"She is probably going to be upset when you leave today. Before she was confused and disoriented. Now she will most likely be upset. She has realized that she is missing things. She will be pushing to leave and to learn the chunks from her past. She is not ready to leave, Dr. Shepherd. I know that you have been waiting for her to wake up and feel normal again. But believe me... Leaving at this point would be detrimental to her health." Dr. Taylor explained.

Dr. Taylor was genuinely concerned about it. He was worried that Derek would want to take Meredith home, thinking she was fine. He knew that she needed to talk it all out. She needed to understand everything there was to understand. Going home would only confuse and upset her. It may be what she thought she wanted, but it was the last thing she needed.

"As much as I would love to take her home... I'll admit it... I'm scared shitless." Derek told him with a nod. "She may be okay now.. But she may not be in a few hours. She just now realized what she had been missing. I'm sure her brain is all over the place." Derek pointed out as he looked over at her.

"I'm glad you are grasping this. Many patient's families do not. In fact, this is why some of my patients fail. I am almost positive that when you leave tonight, it will be explosive. She is going to feel as if you abandoned her. You can't take it to heart." Dr. Taylor told him. "And I don't want to put her on anything. I don't want it to be a crutch. She really needs to feel her emotions."

"I agree one-hundred percent." Derek told him with a nod. "In fact, I should go back in there. I know that Liam will be getting hungry. I'm worried that he will throw a fit and only make her more upset. If I can get him out of here while he is still tired, maybe I can avoid that."

"That may not be a bad idea. She has hurdles to jump... We shouldn't throw them all in in one day." He said with a nod.

"Yes..." Derek agreed as he looked at him. "Thank you... For everything." He told him as he shook his hand and walked in the room.

Derek looked down at her. He did not want to rip his son out of her arms. That was going to break his heart. The problem was, he couldn't risk it. He couldn't risk hearing Liam cry for his mom when he tore him away. He couldn't risk having to see the look on her face. This was going to be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do, and he wasn't looking forward to it. Derek walked up to the bed and gently pulled Liam away.

"Mer..." Derek whispered softly as he rubbed her arm. "Meredith..."

"Mmm?" Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes and looked up. The minute she opened them, the look of contentment quickly disappeared. "What- What are you doing?" She asked with a look of concern.

"Liam needs to go home and eat. And you- You need to rest." He told her with a nod.

"What! No... No! You can't take him, Derek." She cried out.

It broke Derek's heart, just as he knew it would. She looked so sad as she laid there. It was like everything that she ever knew or loved had been ripped from her. She looked so vulnerable and weak. It was as if he could push her out of the bed and she would let him. She would never fight. She was the alter ego of the Meredith Grey he knew. She was unlike herself, but still, she was herself.

"Mer... Calm down! Please... Calm down." Derek begged. He could not risk her waking her son up. "It's okay, baby. You are okay!"

"No! No... You are going to take him from me! You are never going to bring him back!" She said as she tried to climb out of the bed.

"Please, Meredith! Don't- Please don't do this. Please... For him." Derek begged as Liam started to stir.

"You will never bring him back! You have locked me away and you are never coming back!" She cried out. She began to sob heavily as she sat on the side of her bed. she wasn't attempting to get up or grab Liam. Derek could tell that she was halfway listening to what he was saying, even if she didn't want to.

"Meredith Elizabeth! Now you listen to me! Have I ever given you a reason to not trust me? Look at me!" He said as he looked into her eyes. "Yes... I made mistakes. I made the mistake of abandoning you and Liam when you needed me. But look at me!" He said as he tipped her head. "I want you to be okay. This is the way to get you there. I know you think you are. I know you do. But Mer, there are things you don't remember. You need to talk to Dr. Taylor. And I promise Liam and I will be back. We will be back everyday. But Mer... You have to let him leave. You have to be here, and he has to go home. I know you hate me right now... I know that. And you know what? That is okay. But you need to trust me. I love you too much to let anything happen to you. This is what you need. It will all be okay." He told her as he rubbed her hand.

"I don't want to lose you, Derek. This feeling...Right now... It's killing me. When I saw Liam- I can't even explain how it felt. I can't lose you, Derek. I cannot. I'll trust you... But please, don't give me a reason not to. Please don't take everything away again..." She begged as she looked up, tear stains on her cheeks.

"I will never..." Derek said as he looked at her. "I promise. And that is a promise I will always keep." He told her with a nod and a smile. Derek leaned down and kissed her softly. "I will be back tomorrow." Meredith nodded as he turned to walk away. She laid back on her bed and began to cry. She needed him to not break his promise.

--

Derek was never planning on breaking his promise. He knew that he had let her down so much in the past. He was refusing to do it again. He had to make sure that no matter what, he was there for her. He couldn't risk making the same mistakes that he had made before. He couldn't risk messing up things that were so close to being fixed. As he walked down the hallway, his heart broke. He felt so bad leaving her, even if it was what he had to do.

Derek distractedly sat Liam down in the car seat and strapped him in. His son was the soundest sleeper he had ever known. He was far worse than his mother. He knew that if he was left unattended, he could easily be kidnapped and never wake up until he was three states away. In a way it was good. He was unflappable. He was able to shut it all out, even if his mother and father could not.

As Derek drove down the bumpy street, he avoided potholes like the plague. He was sure he was close to blowing a tire with the six inch deep holes that wanted to consume his car. Just as he went to turn a corner, he hit a rather large one and heard a boom. Nothing happened, but I did wake up his son.

"Ma!" Liam muttered as he came to. Derek felt his heart sink. He watched as the boy looked around the car in confusion. He was looking for his mom.

Derek remained silent and drove the car. He was hoping that his son didn't notice that he was driving. He was sure that his boy knew better, but he was hoping to stave off any tears until they got home. Nothing broke his heart more than when his son would sob. Sobbing was bad, but sobbing in the car where there was no way to comfort him was much worse.

"Da?" Liam asked as he looked up. It happened. Liam caught sight of Derek's blue eyes in the rearview mirror. They saw each other and there was no getting out of it. Liam knew that he wasn't alone. His father was there and he was going to make it a point to let him know that he knew. "Da! Dada!" Liam spat.

Derek looked at his son in shock. The boy spat. It was nasty. There was not a doubt in his mind that it was meant to be nasty. The boy was chiding him for not answering the first time that he called him. Derek could see the look of Meredith in his eyes. Liam had gotten that wild angry streak from her, and at the moment, it was perfect. He needed to see her. Even if it was a glint, through their son.

"What, buddy?" Derek finally asked. It was more than apparent that ignoring him would do nothing but make him angry. "What's the matter?"

"Ma! Ma now!" Liam demanded as he glared at his father in the mirror.

"Mom is at the doctor's. Mom isn't here. You need to stay with dad tonight." Derek told his son frankly. He could see it coming. It was a storm. Black clouds that were his son's emotions. His son was angry and was not willing to hide it.

"No! Lee wan ma now!" Liam shouted loudly as he slammed his tiny hand down on his car seat.

"No, Liam. Mom is at the doctor's. She can't come home, and you have to go home with dad. She has to stay there. We will see mom tomorrow. Dad promises. Tomorrow you will see mom." Derek told him with a smile. Apparently the smile was not enough. Not by the look on Liam's face.

"No! No! No! Ma now!" he screamed as he began to sob. Derek suddenly felt frazzled as he looked at his boy. He drew in a deep breath and continued to drive, ignoring the yelling and crying from the backseat.

Derek drove along nervously. His son was in distress, and he knew he would not be able to help him. He continually yelled that he wanted his mom, followed by long sobs. It broke Derek's heart. As much good as it had done, it may have done a slight bit of damage Derek did not regret any of it though. He knew that Liam's memory of his mom had been fading, and Meredith's had already done so.

Derek quickly pulled up in their driveway and put the car in park. He rushed out and opened the back door. He was actually worried about pulling his flailing son out of the seat. Liam screamed as Derek unbuckled him. To say he was upset was a huge understatement. Derek grasped him tightly and walked towards the house. Ellis opened the door as she saw them near.

"God damn-it, Derek! I knew this was going to happen!" She yelled as she looked into his eyes. "Now look at him. His heart is broken."

"I don't need this right now! I can't listen to you. He needs me." Derek said nastily as he walked past.

"You have ruined your son. His mom didn't know him and now his heart is broke. I hope you are happy now!" She growled as she looked at him.

"Meredith knew who her son was, Ellis! And she- She is there, okay. It worked. It worked and he just wants to see her. Maybe for once in your life you should shut your damn mouth, and open your eyes." Derek growled as he sat down on the sofa and rocked his son. Ellis stood there in a shocked silence. He told her.

Ellis stood there in shock. She had never really had anyone be so rude to her. She had placed herself on top of everyone when she was chief resident. Ellis Grey fought her whole life to stay in that spot. She had never even been challenged and looking at Derek, she was surprised that he would even try. As she watched him with his son, she drew in a breath. Maybe she had jumped the gun.

"Liam... You are okay. You have dad." Derek told his son as he rocked him gently. Liam refused to look at his father as he hid his head and cried. He was in distress and Derek had no idea how to stop it. "Liam... Look at Dad." Derek said softly as he stroked his head. Liam lifted his head and looked into his dad's eyes. "It's okay."

"Sad." Liam moaned as he cocked his head to the side. "Sad..." He repeated as he dropped his head against Derek's chest once again.

"I know you are, buddy. Mommy will be home. She will be. Mommy is sick right now. Mommy needs a doctor and then she will feel all better and she can come home." Derek explained. It broke his heart into pieces.

Derek held Liam while he cried. There was no stopping it. He knew it had to run it's course. His son hadn't even eaten dinner, but he was sure that it would be fruitless. Liam was like his mother in the fact that he wouldn't eat if he was upset. Derek was thankful that he had fed him a good sized lunch full of protein. Knowing that Liam had a long nap with Meredith, Derek was sure that he wouldn't fall right asleep.

"LP... How would you like to take a bath with dad? Would that make you feel better?" Derek asked as he tipped his son's head. Liam continued to whimper, ignoring what Derek was saying.

No words were exchanged between Ellis and Derek. He was ignoring her as far as his son was concerned. He did appreciate everything she was doing. He did appreciate the fact that she came to help them. He was glad she came, but at the same time, he was fed up with her thinking that she had the commanding role. He was Liam's father and he was the one in charge of everything.

"You and I are going to take a relaxing bath. I think we both need it." Derek pointed out as he walked into the bathroom and started the warm water in the bathtub. He was in the mood for hot water, but he knew that Liam couldn't handle it that way. Derek quite trying to talk to his son as he peeled off his clothing. He let Liam stand there and he removed his own. "Are you ready, buddy?" Derek asked as he looked down at the boy who was standing there, looking at his father.

Liam gave him a simple look. He had quit crying and was standing there, a broken mess. Derek slowly scooped up his son and climbed into the water. It was less than satisfying, and yet, it was better than nothing. He had to remind himself that this was not for him, but for his son. Liam was usually one to play in the water, but not today. Today he chose to lay on his father's chest with his cheek placed gently.

"Are you feeling better, Liam?" Derek questioned as he rubbed his son's back. Liam looked up at his father and smiled softly. That was what he needed. He needed Liam to be okay. When Liam wasn't okay, it felt as if nothing was.

Derek laid in the water as long as he could stand it. To him, it was far too cool to be enjoyable, and yet he couldn't pull his son from it when he needed it so badly. His son needed silence and pure love. He needed to be left alone to think about the world. He was a bit like his father in that aspect. He needed time to himself to just sit and think about the world. So many people liked to drag others into their problems. Derek was not like that. He needed silence. He needed to think alone.

Liam slowly drifted off to sleep. He wasn't smiling, but he looked somewhat content. His tear stains were still evident, but he was comfortable. Derek climbed out of the bathtub as nimbly as he could, not wanting to drop or wake his slippery son. He wrapped him in his frog towel, drying him gently. Derek placed him on the bench holding all of the linens as he got himself dressed. Derek was relieved when he walked his son to his room and laid him down, Liam not stirring at all.

"She deserved it." Derek said frankly as he looked up at Richard, who was standing in the doorframe.

"I know that. I know that, and believe me, so does she." Richard told him with a smile. "Ellis is a commander. She likes it. She is content with commanding everyone. And you don't always bend to her rule." Richard pointed out with a sigh.

"I can't. I respect Ellis and her opinions, but I refuse to let her talk me out of something I know is right. And Liam is my son. I would think she had enough confidence in me and respect to know that I would never endanger my son." Derek explained as he looked at the man. He knew that he had more respect than ever for Richard. He was a victim. He was forever in her wrath.

"I know that. And deep down, Ellis knows that. Ellis has always been one to attack of something isn't right. She is angry at herself for letting her daughter end up this way. I know she is cold, but she is feeling a lot of guilt over this. She knows that Meredith didn't have a great childhood, and she is bringing this all back on herself." Richard told him with a nod as he walked in and looked at Liam, who was sleeping peacefully.

"I understand that. I really understand it, but that doesn't mean that I will put of up her lunacy. She can give me input as far as Liam is concerned, but that doesn't mean I will or have to listen to it. He is my son, and I am doing the best I can." Derek admitted with a frown, having issues with his own shortcomings.

"You are doing a fine job, Derek. Even Ellis agrees with that. You have a lot on your plate, and yet you are managing. We are both proud of you for that." Richard said with a smile. Derek drew in a breath. He sure was trying.


	60. Escapee

Derek sat back on his new bed and flipped the light on. He had taken to reading before bed. It was a tiny replacement for the companionship that Meredith had offered. He used his wind-down time to read about the latest advancements in mental illness. Derek had to keep reminding himself that she wasn't mentally ill. He wasn't in his mind. In his mind, she was just confused. It was post-traumatic stress syndrome, and the worst case he had seen. Derek knew there were worse, but this affected him, so this was the worst he would ever encounter.

Derek would lay there every night and look around the room. It wasn't his room. His bedroom was in Seattle in their big house. His bed was the one that he laid in with Meredith. It was at night, when he laid in his cold bed with no warm body, that he got lonely. That was when it happened. That was when he became a weak man who made mistakes.

Derek grabbed the phone. At least she listened to him. He needed someone to listen after the hours that he would encounter with Ellis everyday. Ellis rarely listened. She would either tell you, or ignore you completely. It was her way or no way and they were butting heads more than ever. Derek was satisfied that he finally snapped on her today. She needed it. She really did.

"Hey, Derek." Alexis said softly as she laid back in her bed. She would lay back in her bed and think about him. She always hoped that Meredith would stay in her own special place and leave her son and ex-husband behind.

"Hey! How are you?" Derek said cheerfully. He had a reason to be cheerful. He was happy.

Alexis listened to Derek's voice. She had been used to his quiet, depressed tone. He had always sounded like Eeyore, but today, he was sounding like Tigger. She didn't like the sound of this. As she laid there, already practicing her congratulatory speech, she felt horrible. Maybe her chance was gone. She was hoping Liam had made a milestone, and not his mother. Now was time to put on the fake smile that he couldn't even see.

"I'm good. You sound happy..." Alexis pointed out as she laid her head back and closed her eyes.

"She woke up!" Derek said quickly. He had to get it out. He had to share his joy. Ellis was so angry in her lack participation in Liam's life. Derek seemed to have a set plan, and he wasn't allowing her to help.

"What?" Alexis asked in disbelief. He was way too happy. She could only conclude that Meredith remembered everything that Alexis didn't want he to. "What do you mean?"

"She remembers! I took Liam in there, and she remembered. She knew who he was. She remembered that we were married, and that we got a divorce. She was hurt... But we are going to work on it. We are going to work on our relationship. I am so- You have no idea. I mean, I had no hope. I was giving up. And now- This is amazing. She is back. My Meredith is back!" Derek told her happily.

Alexis felt like she had been smacked in the face. It wasn't as if she hated Meredith. She didn't want anything bad to happen to her. She just wanted her to remain. Alexis felt she had amazing chemistry with Derek, and now it would be masked by the rain cloud that was Meredith. She felt like her shot was gone. She was never going to get what she wanted. She wasn't sure whether to cry or scream. It felt like she was now losing her hope. She was losing hers and Derek had re-regained his.

"Oh... Wow." Maybe she said it with less than average excitement. She couldn't help it. She just felt so down. With Meredith back in the picture, she knew she didn't have a chance. Then it hit her... How much did Meredith really remember? "So she remembers the murder?"

Derek was shocked. The murder. She could have used any other word, but she chose murder. She considered Meredith a murderer. Derek felt angry as he laid there. It was self defense. In his mind, it would always be self defense. It hurt his feelings that she would even put it that way. There was no way he was going to put up with it. He was calling her on it.

"It was self defense. And no, she doesn't remember it." Derek admitted. He was ready to go into battle at this point.

"Oh... Wow. I hope she is okay when she does remember." Alexis said quickly. "But she is in that facility. If she goes nuts, they can handle her."

"I have to go." Derek said sharply as he listened to her. He was angry, he wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her. He couldn't take her negativity.

"Oh! I- Okay. Well... Have a goodnight. And, Derek... Good luck." She said softly. She knew she pushed to hard, but she also knew she couldn'yt fix it quickly.

"Yeah." He said before he hung up the phone. He was not happy. Not happy at all.

Derek laid his head back. Maybe Alexis had just had a bad day. Maybe she was stressed out and unable to get a job. Maybe she had things going on with her own family. Derek started making excuses for her. He didn't want to believe that she was a bad person. He didn't believe she was jealous. He just believed that she was having a rough time and it had nothing to do with him. Derek looked up as he heard a tap on the door.

"Derek?" He heard Ellis say softly. "Can I come in?" He heard her ask.

The truth was, Derek was beyond angry with Ellis. Had he known that Ellis was going to be so commanding and rude, he never would have allowed her to come with them. And now she was at his door, wanting to come in. He felt like screaming at her that not only should she not come in his room, but she should leave on the quickest flight she could get on.

"Sure." Derek said begrudgingly. He already had animosity towards her. If her toe stepped over the line, he was ready to bite her head off, spit it out and kick it out the front door like an overinflated soccer ball.

"Derek..." She trailed off as she walked in. Derek didn't even bother getting out of bed. he just didn't have a reason to be nice to this woman.

"Yes?" Derek muttered as he looked up at her. He had the most recent copy of The Journal of the American Medical Association. He hadn't really been reading it, but he figured it would make him look busy. Not to mention, he would always use it as a weapon against her if need be.

"I just-" He started. Ellis Grey was at a loss for words. Derek rarely saw a moment when she stuttered and stammered, something that she chided Meredith for. "I want to apologize." She said with a straight face. She was neither happy or sad. Derek was actually surprised that she didn't spontaneously combust or at the very least, have a look of anger on her face.

"Oh." Derek said in a state of semi-shock. He didn't want to quickly accept it. He was going to be cruel and let her dangle for awhile.

"I just- I know that it is no excuse, but I hurt Meredith. I was a terrible mother. I was so occupied with the OR. There was never a time when I put her first. I could have put her first. I just chose not to. It never came to mind that she wouldn't be a kid forever. When I started to realize, it was too late. She already hated me, and I was already a horrible mother in her eyes. I decided to give up and push myself harder into my job. And now, I have come to realize all I have lost. Now I look back and think about how insignificant it all was. I may be world renowned. I may have invented the Grey method. But you know what? I could have done it later. I could be working on it now. I rushed it. I rushed it all out of my own selfishness. So now I have to be here for Liam. I need to prove to Meredith that I care. I need to give my grandson the love that I so selfishly denied his mother. I'm sorry I was rude. I am sorry I have been overbearing. This is me trying. This is me loving my family." Ellis explained as she looked up at Derek.

Derek looked into her eyes. He could swear they were a little misty. She was being genuine. Derek had never seen her this way. He never really tried to get into Ellis Grey's head. People rarely tried. It was something that they never wanted to do. Derek sighed as he sat there. He had to keep the peace for his family. She was being genuine, and he needed to accept that for everyone's sake, not just his own.

"I understand, Ellis." Derek agreed with a nod. He did understand to some extent. He still had to think that it was no excuse for her behavior. No excuse at all. "I understand why you got upset. You need to realize that I would never put Liam in danger. I can see both sides here. I know why you didn't want me to take him. It was a risk. It may have very a foolish and irrational risk, but it wasn't one taken lightly. I love Meredith so much. The thought of her not coming back from this was too much. I was willing to do whatever I had to to get her back." Derek admitted as he looked away from her. Maybe he had been using his son as a pawn.

"I know that. I know that you love her. And you will never know how appreciative I am for that. She needs someone to love her unconditionally. She had John, but she didn't love him back. Not like she loves you. You make all the difference in the world. I understand why you did it. I just didn't want to see Liam devastated." She told him with a nod. She drew in a breath. They were in a better place now. "So she was... Something? She is okay?"

"She remembers everything except the tragedy with Craig. She remembers that John died and that we are divorced. She knows everything, except that event. She isn't really sure why she is in there, but she is dealing quite well. I have hope, Ellis. I think she is going to pull through this. And best of all, she is willing to fix our marriage. I think we have a shot here." Derek told her happily. He was grinning from ear to ear over this.

"I'm so glad, Derek. You have no idea. Your judgement was right. I just- I can't lose her. We are just now in a place where we can be in the same room. It looks like you have brought her back. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I ever doubted you..." She muttered as she looked down and the up at him with her eyes.

"I'm just glad that it's okay. I don't think any of us need anymore stress than we already have." Derek explained. "So... How would you like to go see her tomorrow?" Derek asked with a smile.

"I would love to." Ellis agreed. She couldn't wait. This was her second chance too. Well, maybe even her third.

Derek felt better after the talk with Ellis. He hated to be at odds with the woman, even if she did make him angrier than anyone that he knew. He watched as she walked out leaving the door open. He sighed as he laid there, looking over the journal. He was tired, but not ready for sleep. Just as he flipped the page, he heard something. It was light sounding, and coming his way.

"Da." Liam said as he walked into Derek's room.

Derek's heart stopped as he looked at his son. He couldn't believe that Ellis had taken him out of his crib and let him roam. Maybe she had let him out and purposely sent him in the direction of Derek, just to make him feel better. No matter what, Derek didn't like that Liam was off walking around by himself, even if he was semi-attended to.

"LP! What are you doing, buddy?" Derek asked as he looked at his son, who was walking towards the bed. "Lee seep. Da. Lee seep Da." He said as he walked to the side of the bed and put his arms up.

"You want to sleep with dad, huh?" He asked as he picked his tiny boy up off of the floor and brought him onto the bed with him. Liam giggled as Derek placed him on his chest. Derek could still see the tear stains and it broke his heart into pieces. His son had cried himself to sleep, and that wasn't fair.

"Lee seep." Liam said as he laid his head on Derek's chest and closed his eyes.

Derek watched as his little boy breathed in and out silently. He would never admit it, in fact, he barely admitted it to himself. He was jealous. He had been jealous of the relationship that Meredith and Liam had. They had been so close, and Derek felt like an outcast. He had felt like he didn't even know his son. Now that they had been spending every waking moment together, he realized that they were closer than ever.

"Liam, you will need to sleep in you own bed." Derek told the boy softly. Liam was asleep, and Derek was saying it more to himself than to his son. He had to get out of the habit of allowing Liam to sleep with him. He had chided Meredith over and over about it, and now he was the worst offender. "Okay, buddy. Time to go back to your crib." Derek laughed as he pulled his son close and stood up.

Derek walked silently down the hallway. He didn't want to wake Liam up if he could help it. He wanted the boy to sleep through the night. He had a rough day, and they all needed some rest. Tomorrow he was going to take both Liam and Ellis to see Meredith. He was hoping that Meredith remembered that she and Ellis had reconciled. That was one thing he forgot to hint around about.

"Da! No!" Liam shouted as soon as Derek placed him in his crib. "No!"

"Liam... You need to go to bed." Derek explained as he pulled the covers over his son. "It's dark out. Everyone is asleep. The sun is even asleep. Look how dark it is outside. See... Everything is sleepy." Derek told him as he kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight." He said as he turned and walked away.

Derek was shocked. His son didn't make a fuss. He actually laid there and remained silent. As Derek walked away, he puffed his chest out. He was the model father with a son that listened to him and had complete respect. He felt like he had done everything right. Just as he neared his room, he heard tiny footsteps behind him. Derek looked in shock as Liam came running out.

"Liam! What are you- How did you get out?" Derek asked as he watched Liam come bounding down the hallway to him with his arms out.

"Da! Lee ou!" He said happily as he giggled. Derek looked at his son in shock. Liam was so proud of himself for his latest endeavor.

"Liam! I don't know how you got out of there, but you need to go back, son. You need to sleep in your bed." Derek said as he picked Liam up and trekked down the hallway. Liam scowled at his father as Derek laid him back in his crib. "You sleep, Liam. Stay here, and sleep." Derek said as he rubbed his son's cheek and smiled. "Sleep."

Derek walked out of the nursery and crept around the corner. He made sure that he could see Liam, but Liam could not see him. He watched in shock as Liam pulled himself to his feet and grabbed the side of the crib. He watched in horror as Liam threw a leg over the side and carefully dropped down. Derek was in shock. His son was getting himself out of the crib. He never expected that. He never thought his son was escaping.

"Liam!" Derek said quickly as he walked into the room. Liam looked up at him, and knew he was in trouble. Derek watched as he then threw himself to the floor, wailing loudly. "You can't do that, buddy. That is not good!" Derek said quickly as he looked down at him. He was going to let him throw his tantrum and ignore him.

"What is going on? Is everything okay?" Ellis said as she rushed in. She looked down at Liam and shook her head. Like his mother. There was no doubt about that. "I see."

"He is escaping, Ellis. You have got to see this." Derek said, under his breath. Ellis looked over at him and nodded. Derek quickly grabbed his son off of the floor and walked him up to the crib, placing him inside, once again. He walked away, and he and Ellis stood there and watched as Liam once again played his trick.

"Oh yeah." Ellis said quickly. "His mom did the same thing. She was younger, though. And I have to say, she had a quicker escape. She wasn't careful, she just dropped." Ellis said quickly.

"What do I do?" Derek asked frankly as he looked at her, Liam rounding the corner and once again, throwing himself down when he realized he was caught.

"It's time for a big boy bed." Ellis told him with a nod. "He needs to have less distance to fall. You are in trouble... He is just like his mom." She said with a chuckle. And he was.

**I am in the process of finishing up some stories. I'm sorry chapters aren't getting out as quickly as they should! Please review and show the love!**


	61. Connected

It was not easy. Not even close. Derek fought with Liam the whole way. He would not sleep in his big boy bed. He didn't care if it looked like a car. He didn't care if it looked like a fire truck. It looked like a treehouse, he wasn't into that. There had been many. Derek continued to trade them in. He didn't care what it was. He was not sleeping in any bed. He wanted his crib, so he could climb out. Every time Derek placed him in the bed, he would climb right out and follow Derek down the hallway.

"Liam. Go to bed." Derek said as he stopped in his tracks and turned around. Liam looked up at him in shock and crashed to the floor. Derek shook his head and took in a breath. He was getting tired of Liam throwing his tantrums. "Okay, fine." Derek said as he looked down at the boy and scooped him up.

Derek held his crying son close. He could feel his chest pounding as he sobbed and gasped for breath. It broke Derek's heart, but Liam was going to have to accept things. Derek was late to see Meredith and he couldn't take Liam with him. Liam had been going nearly everyday for a month, but today he hadn't had a nap. There was no way Derek was going to take him in the treatment facility and have him making trouble because he was tired.

"Okay, LP. You are taking a nap. You and I are taking a nap." Derek told him as he climbed into the little bed, laying Liam beside him. "Everyone has to take a nap. Everyone. See your dog... Sam is sleepy. Look at Sam." Derek explained as he laid the dog down and made snoring noises. "Dad is sleepy. Dad needs a nap too." Derek told him as she laid his head down and closed his eyes.

"Da?" Liam muttered as he touched his little hands against his dad's closed eyes. "Da seep?" Liam asked as he laid there and roll onto his back. Derek smiled softly as he heard the little guy talking to himself. He could tell he was getting tired as he trailed off, talking about his mom.

Derek laid there until he was sure that Liam was asleep. The truth was, Derek could easily lay there and sleep with him. He was feeling like he needed a nap to refresh himself. He knew he couldn't do it because he had to be at Claireridge. He knew that if he didn't show up, Meredith would be really upset. Derek opened his eyes and saw Liam laying there silently in his big boy bed with Sam in his arms.

"I'm going... You guys have him?" Derek asked as he walked into the living room. Ellis was working on something for the hospital and Richard was paying bills from home.

"Yes. He will be fine. Where is he?" Ellis asked as she looked around. She knew that Derek was having a hard time getting Liam to sleep in his bed.

"He is in the bed. Just listen for him. I think he will be fine." Derek told them with a nod. "You are sure it is okay?"

"He will be great." Richard said with a nod. "Make sure that you let Meredith know that we love her and we miss her." He told him as he looked up.

"I will. I shouldn't be gone more than a couple of hours." Derek pointed out as he walked towards door and grabbed his keys off the small wood table. He was ready to see her. Somehow, the idea of spending time with her really refreshed him.

Derek climbed in the car and sighed. He didn't mind the drive to the facility. It had become engrained in his head. Derek could nearly drive it in his sleep. He pulled the car out of the driveway, and made his way down the road. He looked at his neighbors, none of whom he had talked to. He felt bad about it, but he just didn't have the time to dedicate to people that he didn't plan on knowing for a lifetime.

Derek walked into Claireridge. Everyone knew him. He knew everyone. He was there far more than any patient's family members. He practically lived there, and enjoyed every minute of it. As he walked down the hallway, getting ready to scan his finger, he looked up to see Dr. Taylor before him.

"I'm late." Derek said with a sigh. "The little man refused to take a nap. I couldn't bring him, he was into everything." Derek explained as the doors opened and they both walked through. "How is she?" He asked quickly.

"She is doing great. Unbelievable. The only concern I have, is that night. I can't seem to get her to remember. She is more than ready to go home. I would send her home today, but I can't, knowing that she could be sitting there and have a flashback. There is no way of knowing how she may react." Dr. Taylor explained as he walked towards her room.

"I don't know what to say..." Derek trailed off. He was ready for her to come home, and he knew she was more than ready. She had been making strides and accepting everything so well. She knew he had to be there, but she didn't seem to grasp why.

"Well, all we can do is see. I would like to have her home within the month. And I know we haven't talked about it, but how would you- Have you thought about her after care? I would like to have outpatient therapy with her. That would of course force you to stay in Arizona. How do you feel about that?" He asked with concern.

"How long are we talking?" Derek asked, never having thought that she would need further care.

"I would say a year. A year at the least." Dr. Taylor said quickly. Derek was shocked.

He never had put any thought into recovery. He was a doctor, but he wasn't that type of doctor. In his mind, you had surgery, you took the proper medications, you did physical therapy and exercised and that was it. All better. Meredith's recovery would entail much more. It would be rigorous and life altering for all three of them. Derek had never thought that he may have to abandon his job for some time. He never thought that they wouldn't be coming home right after she remembered and was able to accept.

As much as Derek hated the idea of not going home, he was willing to sacrifice for her. He knew that she was his priority. She was going to be around long after Derek Shepherd, neuro god was just a name in a book, long since retired. Derek didn't care if he was ever something greater than he already was. They were in a good place, and that is all he ever wanted.

"A year... Of course. Whatever she needs." Derek said genuinely. He meant every bit of it. It was all about her. Everything in this world was about her.

"I'm really glad to hear that, Dr. Shepherd. So many people just aren't willing. It's not easy. It is not easy to pick up your life and make changes. Many just can't afford it with their careers and such. It is a lot to ask, but I think it is in her best interest." Dr. Taylor said honestly as he looked at Derek. Derek drew in a deep breath. He agreed with everything that was said.

"She is my only interest. I have made mistakes as far as she is concerned and I will never wrong her again. She is everything to me. She is my world. She is Liam's mother. We deserve to get what we set out to get. If that means living her for a year, so be it. we will live her forever if need be." Derek told him as he walked to the door.

"She's not in there. She actually asked to go in the craft room. She had a good group session. I don't like to do too many group sessions if the patient isn't ready, but she seemed okay. She is making bounds here." Dr. Taylor said happily. "Anyway, she is in the craft room. It's down the hall and to the left. You can't miss it." Dr. Taylor said with a nod as he pointed.

"Thanks." Derek said with a smile as he turned and walked away. Meredith wasn't one to do crafts, but he was sure she was itching to do anything but sit in her room and stare at either the TV or the wall.

Derek smiled when he walked up the room. There were huge glass windows allowing him to see her. She seemed perfectly content as she sat in the corner. He was shocked to see her stuffing something. She was actually making something. He knew she wasn't overly domestic, and to see it made him smile. It looked like she was making a stuffed animal. He was sure that it was for Liam. He could sit and watch her for hours, grateful that he was lucky enough to have her.

Derek couldn't wait any longer. He had to go in and see her. He had to let her know that he had come to spend time with her. His greatest fear was that she would think that he was going to abandon her. He couldn't even come close to knowing how she felt as she laid in her room all alone at night. He knew that he should be happy that she was being as accepting as she was. If it were him, he wouldn't be able to function knowing that he was basically a prisoner.

"Hey." Derek said softly as he walked up behind her and gave her a soft kiss on the head.

"Hey!" Meredith said exuberantly as she spun around and looked up at him. Derek smiled as he looked at the huge grin on her face. "Where is Liam?" Meredith asked as she looked around. Derek could tell that she was concerned that he wasn't in his arms. "Don't let him down to wander... I don't think Ann is every stable." She said as she looked over at another patient.

"Liam is at home, Mer. He was so tired and I knew if I brought him like that, he would be horrible. He was already getting into things and refusing to stay in his bed." Derek grumbled as he thought about his son running like a wild child through the house.

"What do you mean? Isn't he in a crib?" Meredith asked with a frown as she looked into his eyes. She could tell that he wasn't. Her heart immediately broke. She was missing so much.

"No..." Derek said begrudgingly. He wished he hadn't said it that way. He didn't want her to know how much she was missing out on. Now he knew he had to tell her, even if it was the last thing she wanted to hear. "I actually got him a big boy bed. We started with a fire truck. We moved from a treehouse bed to a race car and now it's just plain because our son is ridiculous. He was climbing out of the bed. It was time." Derek told her with a nod as he caressed her face.

"I'm missing so much, Derek. So much." She said as a tear ran down her cheek. "I can't so anything. I'm a prisoner in this damn place!" She shouted as she threw the stuffed dog across the table.

"Mer... It will be okay. You will get out of here." Derek told her with a soft smile. "You just need to talk and work through some things." He told her with a sigh. He knew no matter what he said, it wouldn't be the right thing to say.

"I have, Derek! I talk. I talk all of the time!" She said quickly. "I just want to go home. I'm okay. I promise I'm okay." She said as she cried.

"I know you are, baby." He told her as he wiped her tears away. She was breaking his heart into pieces. She had no idea. She had no idea what she was holding inside of her that had to come out. It was a fine balance and she was getting tired of being in her prison.

/watch?vtLdmjeXclNA&featurerelated

"If you knew that, you would let me go home!" Meredith spat as she looked up at Derek. Derek cold see the many emotions in her eyes.

"Is everything okay in here?" Dr. Taylor said as he walked in. Meredith had no problem with the doctor, but at the moment, she hated him. At the moment she wanted nothing to do with him. He was part f the reason she was stuck in there.

"No!" Meredith said as she pulled away from Derek. "No! Nothing is okay. I am a prisoner in this hell. You just want me to suffer. I hate you! I hate you so much. Both of you!" She cried out as she jumped to her feet and ran off.

"Oh no." Derek said as he watched her run. He began to go after her, but felt the doctor's hand on his arm. Derek stopped and looked up at the man, not wanting to hear what he had to say. At the moment, he was concerned with how she was feeling.

"Let her go for a second. She needs to go through this." Dr. Taylor explained. "She is going through a lot. We have spoken and she believes that she is okay and ready to go home. I have made it clear to her that she is not ready." Dr. Taylor told him. "Right now, she has a lot of animosity towards me and possibly you too. I think you should go talk to her. I will let you guys be. In many of our sessions, she has made it clear to me that Derek is the only one that can help her. Right now, I will let you do that."

"Okay. Thank you." Derek said with a nod as he walked away. He quickly stopped and grabbed the stuffed dog that she had been working on. Derek's heart was in his throat as he rushed down the hallway, feeling sick to his stomach. As he walked into her room, his heart sank. She was laying in her bed, sobbing loudly. Derek slowly walked to the bed and crawled in, laying behind her.

**bNo dije que te amaba, jamás supiste la verdad.**

**Lo mucho que me amaste no lo supe valorar./b**

"I promise you, it will be okay." Derek whispered softly as he looked at her.

"It doesn't feel that way." Meredith said as she choked on her tears. She turned her body slightly as looked up at Derek. Derek gently wiped her tears away with his thumb.

"It doesn't feel that way, but it will be that way." Derek told her frankly with a soft smile. "I will do everything in my power to make sure of it." He explained and he leaned down and kissed her softly, once on her forehead, her nose and then ending on her lips. Meredith let out a slight moan as she felt his tongue slide into her parted lips. His tongue felt so at home in her mouth. He could remember every inch.

**bMe equivoqué, yo me equivoqué.**

**Vacío me dejaste el corazón/b**

Derek felt overwhelming need as he felt their tongues press together. Everything that they had been lacking was back. He felt better than he had in so long. In that moment, everything felt perfect. He felt like he could kiss her for all eternity. He felt so guilty for all he had done to her. He felt guilt for putting so much before her, when she was the only thing that ever mattered to him.

"Make love to me, Derek." Meredith said softly as she looked into his eyes. There was no question in his mind that this was exactly what she wanted. Derek kissed her neck and collarbone gently.

"Oh, Mer... You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this." He said with a smile as he lifted her short and pecked kisses on her abdomen. Derek ran his hands over her hips and grasped her thighs. "It feels like a lifetime." He told her softly.

"Yes, it does." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "Just you and I. The love. I just...I need to feel the love."

"I just want to love you." Derek said with a smile a he grasped the sides of her pants and panties, sliding them down her thighs. Derek passed her knees, went down her calves and Meredith lifted her feet as he slid them off. Derek tossed it to the side on the floor. Derek leaned up and pulled his shirt off quickly, following with the rest of his clothing. Meredith went to work on her own, tossing it aside.

**bY hoy que ya no estás aquí,**

**que sé lo mucho que perdí**

**no tengo ganas de vivir**

**me duele ver que todo terminó.**

**Tú siempre fuiste todo para mí**

**y nunca te enteraste de mi amor./b**

Derek grabbed Meredith's foot and kissed the top of it gently. She giggled and shook her head at the sensation she was feeling. She watched as he ran up her shin bone and stopped at her knee. She wanted sex, but she would humor him. She would allow him the foreplay that he was so hellbent on giving her. They needed it. Derek licked up her thigh, feeling the smoothness of her skin. She felt just as he remembered. He remembered every inch of her body. His tongue slid with ease, his saliva plentiful from the need. His mouth was watering as he neared her wet pussy. Derek spread her thighs and looked in at her glistening pink center.

"Wow... You are wet, honey." Derek said with a smile as laid between her legs. Meredith moaned as she felt his hot breath on her center. She wanted him to lick her. She wanted him to take a taste. It had been far too long.

"It's been so long... Lick me, Derek. Taste me, please?" Meredith asked as she grabbed the back of Derek's head and pulled him against her. "Oh god... Taste me. I have needed your tongue for so long." She whined as she pulled his head hard, him not putting up too much resistance.

**bDijiste que lo amabas que él robó tu corazón.**

**Creía que lo nuestro sería eterno pero no**

**Me equivoqué, yo me equivoqué.**

**Es increíble se acabó/b**

"Mmm... You smell sweet, Mer. Like candy." He told her as he took a whiff of her pussy. Derek laid his tongue down on her lip and ran up one side and down the other. Meredith lifted herself and pushed into him as he slide his tongue in her center. Derek panted softly as he licked up the middle and began flicking her clit.

"Oh god, Derek... Oh god. I need you inside me. Quit! Stop!" She whined as she tore his hair. "Make love to me, Der. Just... Inside me now." She said softly, needing to feel his hard cock inside of her. "Give it to me good. Please..." She said as she spread her legs for him and he moved up.

"So... Do you want it soft, or hard?" Derek asked as he ran the head of his hard cock up and down her slit. Meredith winced as she felt his head against her clit. It had been so long, she was ready to cum.

"Soft...Just now. Do it now." She told him as she bucked her hips and forced him inside of her. Derek groaned loudly a he felt her warm core around his thick manhood.

**bY hoy que ya no estás aquí,**

**que sé lo mucho que perdí**

**no tengo ganas de vivir**

**me duele ver que todo terminó.**

**Tú fuiste todo para mí**

**y nunca te enteraste de mi amor./b**

"Oh god..." Derek groaned as he paused and smiled. Meredith wrapped her legs around his body and held herself close as Derek pulled in and out of her gently. Every thrust was filled with love. Every thrust was filled with more need than they had felt in a long time. Derek ran his thumb over her clit as he slid in and out with perfect harmony. Meredith looked into his eyes and smiled. She had never been happier. In that moment, it was just him and her. In that moment, she thought of nothing else.

"Harder... Do it hard." Meredith shouted as she threw herself at him. Derek nodded his head and pumped into her hard. Neither was thinking that anyone could walk in at any time. They were both in a fog. They both needed each other on so many levels. "Oh god, Der! Oh god! You are the biggest, thickest man! I missed you, baby. I missed you! Oh god... Harder. Harder! Oh yeah...That's it. Oh yeah.. Oh god. Right there...yeah... I'm going... I'm... OH GOD!" Meredith screamed as she felt herself tense up and the waved rush over her.

"Oh yeah... Mer... Fuck you are so tight... Oh god... Ahhh." Derek spat as he shot his hot seeds into her core, washing her walls and filling her up with his essence. "Oh yeah..." He moaned as he collapsed and they rolled to the side, still connected.

**bOH**

**OH**

**UUUH**

**Y HOY QUE YA NO ESTÁS AQUÍ**

**PERDÍ LAS GANAS DE VIVIR**

**OOH/b**

"I will always love you." Meredith said softly, feeling his fingers run over her soft flesh. "Forever. I never stopped. Even when I was so angry with you, I never stopped loving you." She told him with a satisfied tone in her voice.

"You will never know, Mer. You will never know." He told her as he pulled out, and pulled a blanket over them. It was their time. They needed it.

b**As far as any man can see**

**as far as any one can reach**

**you´ll always be the fantasy**

**I can´t believe that I was letting go**

**She´ll always be the one for me**

**I can´t believe that I was letting go/b**


	62. Losing a Piece

It was late at night when Meredith felt the most down. She would lay in her bed, knowing that all of the other patients were fast asleep. She would lay there and think about the family that was asleep in their home. Her family. Her family that was where she was supposed to be. She was being nice to Derek. She was humoring him and doing what he wished, but that didn't mean that she was happy. She hated being in her prison. More than anything, she wanted to go to where she was meant to be.

Meredith didn't share her trouble sleeping with Dr. Taylor. She knew it would be just one more thing. One more reason to keep her locked in there and away from her little boy. Out of all the nights that she had been there, she had rarely slept a wink. The bed was hard, there were always sounds in the hallway, and the nurses often walked in. So Meredith would lay there, staring at the wall and preparing to be a zombie the next day.

Meredith closed her eyes and thought about the happy times with Liam. That was usually what got her through. She used Liam and Derek as her means to a full night's sleep. All she has to do was think about the day Liam was born. She always skipped past the foolishness between she and Derek. She would only think about the happy times, until she drifted fast asleep. Never did she wake up like this.

"Oh my god!" Meredith screamed as she sat upright. She could see the blood all over her in the moonlight. It was his blood. It was Craig's blood. She blinked several times as she continued to scream. It had to go away. It had to disappear. "Oh my god! Oh my god!" She continued on.

The nurses could hear her. It had been a silent night, when out of the silence came the shrillest scream anyone has ever heard. It sounded like she was dying. It sounded like she was letting her final breath out in unadulterated scream. They quickly ran down the hallway into her room. They were in shock as they looked at her, rocking back and forth, crying out.

"Meredith! Meredith! Calm down." The nurse said as she walked up. "Call Dr. Taylor." She told the other nurse as she approached Meredith, attempting to calm her. "It's okay, Meredith. You're fine." She told her as she placed her hand on her arm.

"I killed him... Oh my god, I killed him." She repeated as she rocked over and over again. "What do I do?" She asked as she looked up.

"It's okay. Dr. Taylor is on his way." The nurse said as she placed her hand on Meredith's back. She was thankful that Meredith was lashing out. She was extremely upset, yet composed.

"I killed a man." Meredith told her as she looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I will never be forgiven."

The nurse offered Meredith a shoulder to cry on. Meredith didn't use it. Instead she continued to rock and and think. She thought about what had happened. She remembered it all. It was flashes like lightning of memories that she wished she didn't exist in her head. She thought about the blood drenched on her body and clothing. She thought about the darkness and the moonlight. Moonlight just bright enough to see what was going on.

"Please, no. Please." Meredith begged as she looked around, willing to not be true. She couldn't stand the thought of something changing her down to her core.

"Meredith?" Dr. Taylor asked as he walked into the room. He never liked seeing one of his patients go through a breakdown, but he was more than thankful for this one.

"I killed someone. I actually killed someone." Meredith gasped as she covered her mouth with her petite hand. She couldn't believe that she was capable of something so horrific.

"You did." Dr. Taylor agreed as he looked into her eyes, grabbing her hands. "But do you remember why you did it, Meredith. Do you remember why you killed someone?" He asked as he shook his head yes, making her understand that he knew why.

"To protect Derek and Liam. I thought he was going to get Derek and Liam. I had to save my husband and my son. I had to save them from him. I love them too much to lose them." Meredith said as she realized just why she did it. She didn't feel better instantly, but she at least felt like she had a reason to commit murder.

"That's right. That is right, Meredith. You were protecting yourself and the ones you love. You had a good reason for doing what you did. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here right now." Dr. Taylor reassured her with a nod. "You are a hero."

"I had to save them. I love them too much. I would do anything. I did anything." Meredith told him with a sigh. "I had to... I wish I didn't have to. He went crazy. I didn't want to hurt him. I really didn't want to."

"I know you didn't. You did what you had to do. No one can blames you for that. No one." He reiterated. "So how do you feel?"

"Sad... But that was it, wasn't it? That was the final piece of the puzzle. That was why I wasn't allowed to go home." She said with a nod. She watched as Dr. Taylor nodded in agreement. She would be okay.

"Would you like me to call Derek?" Dr. Taylor asked as he looked at her.

Meredith drew in a breath. She wasn't sure how to answer that. She wanted him to come, but she was okay. She didn't want to disturb him if he was sleeping soundly. She wasn't sure what she wanted. She sat back and thought about him, and their family. She wanted to move on with her life and leave it all behind. She knew that to do that, she and Derek would need to communicate. That was the key. Communication was key. She would have him come in.

"If you would, please. I think he needs to know." Meredith said with a nod as she looked up at the kind doctor who basically saved her life.

"I think you are right." Dr. Taylor said with a nod. "I think Derek wants to be as involved as possible. I do think that he would be upset that you made a breakthrough and he wasn't here. I will call him. I see no reason why he can't stay the night with you. You are no longer a risk to yourself. I have to admit, in my eyes, I never saw you as one." He told her frankly. He never thought of Meredith Grey as suicidal.

"Okay." Meredith agreed as she laid her head back and closed her eyes. For some reason, the world seemed a lot lighter. Her shoulders felt better and she was finally able to breathe fresh air. It was like everything that was hanging over her just drifted away with the breeze. It was still hard for her to think about the fact that she murdered someone, but at the same time, she was so relieved to know, rather than not.

Derek laid in his bed sleeping soundly. He slept, but in the back of his head, he wondered if she was okay. He always questioned whether or not she would ever remember. He wondered what would happen if she never did. He wondered if they would ever have a successful relationship with the dark cloud hanging over their head. He just wanted things back the way they were. He wanted to go back to when Liam was a baby and they were so happy.

Derek shot up as he heard the phone ring. His first thought was that something happened to Meredith. He felt a knot in his stomach. Surely she remembered. He was terrified that she would remember and then be suicidal from guilt. He was afraid that this call was from Claireridge, saying that she had slit her wrists and was bleeding out. Derek quickly grabbed the phone and looked at it, feeling sick. It was Claireridge.

"Hello?" Derek asked in a panic. He was even more shocked when he heard Dr. Taylor's voice. Surely this was a bad thing.

"Hello, Derek... This is Dr. Taylor." He said softly. Derek felt his stomach flip and flop, his heart racing in his chest. He was sure this was a bad call. He was positive. "Don't panic. Everything is fine." He told him quickly, hoping to reassure him.

"Okay..." Derek said skeptically. He had no reason to be calling in the middle of the night if everything was okay. "So..."

"Meredith remembered. Don't- She is fine. She remembered just the way we wanted to her. She accepts that it is what she had to do. She saved her son and you. That is how she is looking at it. She did want me to call you. I think she would like to be here if you can come. She needs to know that everything is fine. She knows it, but reassurance is the best thing for her right now." Dr. Taylor explained as he drew in a breath. He realized quickly that he was tired.

"I'm on my way. Ellis will watch Liam and I will be there in minutes." Derek said as he jumped out of bed and began getting dressed. "I really appreciate you calling. And being there. Most would have just drugged her up." Derek said sadly. He knew if she were still in Seattle, she would be in a fog.

"It's my job, Derek. I am in this to help people recover. I don't want lifers here. I want people to get better and return to a happy, healthy life. I think that Meredith is well on her way to that. I knew the second I saw her that she had the fight. She was willing to fight for her life." Dr. Taylor said proudly as he sat back in his chair.

"Meredith has always been a fighter. I'm on my way." Derek said quickly as he rushed out the door, throwing the note he had written on the countertop.

"I am going to head home after I check on her. I think you can just head into her room when you get here. The staff knows you are on your way." Dr. Taylor said with a smile as he stood up from his chair.

"Thank you." Derek said as he hung up the phone. He drove down the dimly lit streets and headed for her. This was the break they needed.

Derek drove quickly. He wanted to be in her arms. He wanted her in his. They needed to be connected. His drive was short as he pulled into the parking lot. It was dark and still. The air was crisp and fresh. He quickly walked through the security measures and headed towards her room, nurses nodding their heads in acknowledgement. As Derek made it to her room, he looked in. She was laying back in her bed, looking at him, with a smile on her face. Derek didn't say a word as he walked up, pulled his shoes off, and crawled into bed with her.

"We will be okay, Derek. We will get back to where we were. We will have it all. All of that stuff we wanted... We will have it. Things will be good." Meredith said with a smile as she nuzzled into him.

"I will be okay, Mer. We will have it all. God, I love you." He told her as he kissed her head. They were well on their way.

--

Meredith was usually the one to be sound asleep. She would lay in the bed snoring loudly as Derek did whatever he pleased. There wasn't much he couldn't do in the house that wouldn't wake her up. She was one of the soundest sleepers he had ever known. Not today. Today she was laying there, watching the love of her life, sleeping soundly. Meredith looked at every crease and line on his face. He had so many more than he had before. She knew they were from her, all from her.

"Are you watching me, Meredith?" Derek asked, his mouth forming a soft smile. He had been asleep, but he could sense her just staring at him.

"I am." Meredith admitted as she leaned down and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. Derek opened his eyes and smiled. His hand quickly wrapped around the back of her head and pulled her down. Meredith moaned as she felt his lips press against hers. She parted her lips slightly and let his tongue slide all the way in.

"There is mommy and daddy!" Ellis said as she walked in. Meredith looked up in shock. She hadn't been expecting them to walk in. Even if she and Derek had been together a long time, she was still embarrassed to be kissing him so passionately in front of her mother.

"Ma! Da!" Liam said loudly as he looked up. Meredith pulled away from Derek and sat up in the bed. She was thankful that they had went right to bed. Luckily, last night remained sex-free because of the circumstances.

"Liam!" Meredith said with a big smile as she looked down at him. Liam rushed to the side of the bed and began attempting to climb up.

"He is a real go-getter, isn't he?" Richard asked as he watched the small boy, ready to scale the side of the bed if need be.

"He is just like his mom." Derek said with a laugh as he lifted his son up on the bed. Liam immediately wrapped his arms around his father and gave him a sloppy kiss. "Good morning."

"Goo." Liam said happily. "Love." He told his dad as he kissed him again. Finally, he looked over at his mom and his eyes lit up. There was no question that he loved his parents. Richard and Ellis enjoyed just watching the interactions between them.

"Aww... Do you love dad?" Meredith asked softly. She felt a ping in her heart, knowing that Derek and Liam had gotten so close in her absence. She knew that it needed to happen. When everything had happened, Liam barely knew his father. Now they were definitely father and son all the way.

"Love." Liam said with a big nod as he walked over to his mom, tripping on the bed. Meredith caught him before he fell on her legs. "Ma!" Liam squealed happily, knowing she had saved him. "Ma love." He told her with a nod as a sloppy kiss.

"He sure throws that word out there these days." Derek said with a laugh as he looked at Liam, who was throwing kisses and hugs at Meredith like he hadn't seen her in forever.

"Big bed." Liam told his mom with a nod. Meredith smiled as she listened to him.

"You slept in your big boy bed, didn't you?" Derek asked with a nod. Liam let out a sigh, knowing his father had won.

Derek had been fighting Liam to sleep in his big boy bed. It had gotten so bad, that Derek had to set up a motion sensor at Liam's door. The way the boy acted, he could see him sneaking out of his room and tearing the house down. Every night, Derek would hear the beep and jump out of bed, catching Liam in the hallway. Liam would scream and throw himself, hating that he had been caught. After a week, Derek was finally able to get Liam to sleep in the bed, and the whole night through. It didn't take him long to realize, Liam had to play. He started taking him outside during the day so that he could tire himself out.

"Big bed." Liam told his mom. Derek could tell that while he didn't enjoy sleeping in the bed, he had figured that it made him a big man. Derek made sure Liam knew what an accomplishment it was.

"Wow! What a big boy! You slept in your big boy bed! Wow, Liam! I am so proud!" Meredith said enthusiastically. Liam giggled happily and began spitting gibberish. Meredith listened intently to what her little boy was telling him, even if she had no idea what he was saying.

"So..." Ellis started. Meredith quickly looked up. Her mother was trailing off. She was a person that always got to the point. Her attention was piqued almost immediately as she looked into her mother's eyes. "We have to go back to Seattle. I realize this is short notice, but there has been a procedure that has come up and they really need me. I can say no, but it's a high profile case." Ellis told her with a sigh.

"You need to go home?" Derek asked in shock. He needed her. More often than not, she would watch Liam so that Derek could be with Meredith.

"That's fine." Meredith said with a nod. Derek looked over at her. Maybe she didn't realize just how much Ellis and Richard had been helping. "They need you. You need to go save a life."

"Are you sure?" Ellis asked. "I could call them now. The chopper is expected to be here soon." She said as she looked at her watch.

"Really, mom. It is okay. Derek and I can handle this. You go." She told her as she threw out her arms, hugging both Ellis and Richard goodbye. "Save a life."

"I love you, Mer. You will be okay." Ellis said as she walked out of the room. Derek immediately looked over at Meredith and clenched his jaw.

"How the hell do you expect us to do this?" Derek asked frankly as he looked into her eyes. Meredith smiled as she looked at Liam.

"We just do." Meredith said frankly as she kissed Liam's head. "We just do."


	63. Home

It had been a fight. It had been a fight for Meredith to stay there. She really was doing well. There was no question about it, she had made leaps and bounds, even according to Dr. Taylor. The problem was, she had been in treatment for awhile and he wanted to phase her out. He knew that throwing her home with responsibilities and without the staff of nurses and doctors, that it could be a problem.

Derek walked down the hallway. This would be the last time he would be coming through to see her. She was able to go home today. It had been a struggle for him to take care of Liam by himself, but he had managed quite well. Now that she was ready to go home, they would be able to keep growing as a family. Derek had even joined in on some of Meredith's group sessions, getting a feel for what was happening in her life and how she was growing and dealing.

"Wow..." Derek said in shock as he looked up at her. Meredith was completely dressed and ready to go. She had her bags sitting by the door and she was on the bed, playing with her hands nervously. "You look ready." He pointed out as his eyes met hers.

"More than ready. I feel like I have been in here half of my life." She said with a sigh as she looked around the room. She had removed all of the personal items that she had in the room. "Not that it wasn't good. I know this is the best facility in the country." She told him, knowing that she was fortunate that he helped her and that they had the funds to support her treatment and recovery.

"I just wanted you better, Mer." Derek explained as he looked at her and walked forward. Derek took a deep breath of her soft scent and let it back out with satisfaction. "I was willing to do anything to get you better." He told her as he caressed her face.

"You will never know how thankful I am that you did." Meredith told him as she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. "Hey... Where is our son?" Meredith asked as she jumped up. She knew that Derek had been doing it all on his own. She was caught up in the anticipation of going home and hadn't realized.

"He is with Grace." Derek told her with a nod. Meredith smiled. She knew that the older nurse loved Liam. Liam seemed to share the connection, seeing as he would call out to her the minute he saw her down the hall.

"Of course he is." Meredith laughed as she thought about it. Derek would always have to pull him away from her. Generally, all he had to do was mention mom and Liam would remember just why he was there. "So... Dr. Taylor was already in. I have an appointment with him tomorrow, but they signed me out. I get to go home now." Meredith told Derek with a big smile.

"You do. You get to go home." Derek agreed as he helped her stand to her feet. She had two modest sized bags and a few arts and crafts that she had made. Derek grabbed the two bags, and Meredith carried the wrapped vase she had created, along with the other things.

"Whatever home is." Meredith muttered. It did make her sad that she wasn't going to her home. Whenever she thought of home, it was the big house set back in the woods. It was their long winding driveway. It was the large wood trusses that held up the cathedral ceiling. Home was the house they had built together. "I've never even seen where we are going."

"I know, Mer. This is the way it has to be." Derek told her with a nod. "Besides, I think you already know, home is not the building. Home is where your family is. Home is wherever we are all together and feeling and sharing love." Derek told her as he led her down the hallway, his hand on the small of her back.

"Today is the big day!" Dr. Taylor said as he walked up and smiled. "I am proud of you, Meredith. You really should be proud of yourself... Now remember, if you have any problems, you call right away." He told her as he placed his hand on her arm.

"I will." Meredith agreed. She looked off into the distance and saw Liam. Liam was playing happily, and then all of a sudden, he noticed his mom.

"Ma!" Liam screeched as he ran down the hallway. "Ma!" He said as he hugged her leg.

"Mom is coming home with us." Derek explained as he looked down at his son.

"Ma... Home?" He said with confusion. Meredith and Derek watched as he looked back and forth between them.

"Yes... Mom is going home. Mom is going home with us... The only place she should be." Derek said as he kissed her on the cheek. Meredith nodded. They were going home.

Derek could tell that Meredith was nervous as they rode home in the car. Meredith nervously ringed her hands and looked out the window. Liam was talking happily in the back. It was more than obvious that Liam was ecstatic to have both his parents together. Derek could tell that Meredith was nervous and he had no idea how to make her at ease. This was a big step and a huge environmental change. Everything was flip flopped.

"You okay, honey?" Derek asked as he glanced over at her with a smile on his face. The smile was meant to ease her, but he wasn't sure it worked anymore.

"I'm okay. It's just... It's a big deal." Meredith admitted as she laid her head back. "I have lived in complete structure with someone telling me everything I should be doing. They monitored me. They made sure I was okay and that I was able to handle situations. Now I am going to a home I have never been to. I will go to bed, and I will have no idea what to do when I get up. I will have no idea how to act. I just- It's stressing me out!" Meredith choked out as she felt a tear slide down.

"I know honey. This is hard. This is really hard." Derek agreed with a frown as he looked into her eyes. "I am here, and I am not going anywhere." He told her as the cars behind him began beeping loudly.

"Go." Meredith muttered as she listened. She glanced over her shoulder, seeing a line of cars with drivers waving their arms.

Meredith sat back and closed her eyes. She had never been so out of sorts in her life. It was life she had been thrown out into someone else's life and she had no idea how to act. Derek and Liam had their little way of doing things and she didn't want to interfere. She just had no idea what to say or do at this point. Being in the hospital, she dreamed of the day she would break loose. Now that it was here, she had no idea what to do with it.

Meredith looked out the window as they drove down the street. This was nothing like Seattle. She had never been to Arizona and she was shocked at how different it was from Seattle. It was like the complete opposite. The truth was, her heart ached for home and that was really the only place she wanted to be. She missed the things she knew. Especially the hospital. As she thought about the hospital, it hit her.

"My residency." She spit out of her mouth, out of nowhere.

Meredith sat there in a quick silence. She wondered just what was going to happen when they did go home. She was so behind in her third year of residency, it wasn't even funny. She knew she couldn't just hop back into the game without any sort of repercussions. She wasn't exactly sure what those would be, but she felt the knot in her stomach grow. She knew it wasn't going to be what she wanted to hear.

"What about my residency?" Meredith questioned, knowing Derek was the former chief. If anyone knew what was going to become of her, he would.

"Well... I talked to Graves, the new chief." Derek said regrettably. He didn't really want to tell her. He knew how serious she was about her career and the operating room. She definitely wasn't going to like what was said.

"And?" Meredith asked. He now had her full attention.

"Well..." Derek started in the same manner he had before. He was sure she would get irritated by it. "You will have to repeat your third year, Mer." He told her with a sigh.

Nothing could make Derek feel better as he watched her face. It was as if she melted before him. Derek quickly pulled the car to the side of the road. They were close to home, but he couldn't continue driving when she was in distress. Derek pulled her close as the tears fell hard. He knew she would be upset over it, and there was nothing she could do. Derek ran his fingers through her hair as she laid her head on his shoulder. Derek could feel the tears soaking his shirt.

"I know, Mer. They have to do this. If they didn't, everyone would have thrown a fit. Mer, you can't be gone for months and walk back in the OR. It's just not fair. Think about how you would feel if Karev or Stevens got to do that. They are your friends, but you would still lay in bed next to me and complain about it." Derek pointed out frankly. Meredith stayed on his shoulder and thought.

"You're right." Meredith agreed as she let out a breath. "It's not fair to them. And- So when do I get to go back?" Meredith asked quickly. This was now her second worry. When could she return for her third year repeat.

"Well, Dr. Taylor wants you to stay here for awhile. This will be good, Mer. This will give us time to reconnect. You, Liam and I will have family time. You can get back before the new year starts. It will be okay." Derek told her reassuringly.

"Ma sad?" Liam asked as he looked up from the back of the car. Meredith turned around in her seat and looked at him.

"Mom is fine, buddy. How would you like to play when we get home?" Meredith asked quickly. She was so eager to play with her son. "Do you want to play with mom?"

"Pay! Pay!" Liam said as he bounced in his seat. "Pay now!" He demanded. Meredith looked over at Derek in shock. She was wondering just where he learned that word from.

"And what was that?" meredith asked with a raised brow. "A bit demanding..."

"Yeah. he may have picked that up." Derek told her with a nod as he glanced over at her. "He picks up everything around him."

"How is Erin?" Meredith asked, wondering just what happened to the nanny that she and Liam adored.

"Erin... Oh, about Erin. So much has happened, Mer. You have no idea." Derek said as he pulled his car into the driveway. Meredith looked up at the house. Home sweet home.

Meredith looked up at the house. She didn't like this house. She didn't like this state. Maybe it was fine for most. Maybe a lot of people liked it. She did not. She didn't even come close. She wanted Seattle. She wanted the rain and the gray skies. She wanted her friends and family. She wanted that huge house that they had built. She wanted home. She looked over at Derek and sighed. It would work. He was doing the best her could. That was all she could ask for.

"It's nice." Meredith said as she looked up at it. The house itself was nice, it was just so plain. She was used to the house that they built, picking and choosing exactly how it would be built and what room would be where.

"It was the best thing I could find on such short notice. It was plenty large enough for Liam and I. And then when your mom came along, you have no idea how happy I was that it had three bedrooms." Derek pointed out with a nod. "It's very deceiving."

"It's nice, Derek. Really, don't worry about it." Meredith said as she opened up the door and looked in and Liam. "Buddy, you look tired. Do you need a nap?" Meredith asked as she looked at her son, who was eager to get out of his seat.

"No!" Liam said loudly as he looked his mother in the eyes. Meredith looked through the car to Derek, who was grabbing her bags from the back. Her eyes were wide at her son's defiance.

"He doesn't take a nap for two more hours." Derek explained as he looked at her and shut the tailgate of their Land Rover. "He is on a schedule and he is really accustomed to that and nothing else." Derek told her, hoping to not upset her.

"Oh." Meredith said as she pulled Liam out of his car seat. He quickly began wiggling around in her arms. She sighed loudly as she looked into his blue eyes.

"Lee down!" Liam shouted as he moved around. Meredith looked at Derek and then at Liam. He couldn't be the boss. He couldn't tell her when and where.

"No. Mom is holding you now. I will let you down when you are good." Meredith told him softly. "Just calm down. I will let you down. You need to play in the backyard. You could get hurt out here. It is too close to the road. Let's go into the house and then out back, okay?" She asked as she looked at him. Liam smiled as he laid his head against her.

Meredith walked into the house and looked around. It was nice, and it was obviously furnished when he moved in. The decor was nothing that they would have chosen, but it fit in nicely with the house. Derek was right, the house was larger on the inside than it looked on the outside. It would be a fine place to stay, and it was better than living in a hotel. Meredith quickly sat Liam down on the floor and let him run as she looked around.

"Welcome home, baby." Derek said as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. Derek watched as Meredith followed Liam with her eyes. he could tell she was worried. "This house is completely kid safe. I made sure of that. He pretty much just runs it." He told her with a chuckle as Liam came towards there. "Let's go see your room, little guy." Derek suggested as he walked towards the hallway with his hand around Meredith's waist. Meredith looked over at him and smiled. It was a half-hearted smile, seeing as she she had missed so much.

"Wow!" Meredith said to Liam as they walked into his room. Derek had it comepletely decked out in a sports theme. It surprised her because Derek wasn't huge on sports. She was sure Richard had a part in it. She looked at his big boy bed and immediately sat down on it. "Liam, do you sleep in this all by yourself?" She asked as she laid back. Liam giggled as he climbed up on the bed and laid on her stomach. "You are such a little man now!"

"He really is." Derek agreed as he knelt next to the bed and rubbed Liam's straight dark hair. "He is growing up so quickly." He added as he watched Liam stick his fingers in his mouth and look back and forth between the two of them.

"So... Did someone want to play?" Meredith asked nonchalantly as she looked around. Liam screamed as he jumped off of her and off of the bed. "If that isn't the way to wake him up, I don't know what is." Meredith said with a nod as she looked over at Derek, who helped pull her out of the bed.

Meredith and Derek rushed to the door, knowing that Liam was ready to crash through it if they didn't get it open quickly enough. As soon as it was open, Derek scooped Liam up and walked him out to the yard. Derek grabbed out the huge ball that Liam like to push around and threw it in the middle of the yard. Meredith and Derek both took their seats and watched their son play.

"So what happened to Erin?" Meredith asked as she looked over at Derek. She loved Erin and she was shocked that she was no longer working for them.

"She quit, Mer. One day I came home and she was completely frazzled. She was trying to potty train Liam and she couldn't handle it. She looked me in the eyes and she quit. She left me completely high and dry, Mer. It was horrible." Derek explained. He was hoping that Meredith wouldn't ask who took her place.

"Wow... I never thought she would be that way." Meredith pointed out with a frown. "I really liked her. I guess she was just too young..." She trailed off.

"It happens. Taking care of him is a huge responsibility." Derek pointed out as Liam shoved the ball at him and he gently pushed it back.

"It doesn't really matter. I'm here now. Since I won't be working, I can focus on what really matters... My family." She pointed out happily. She was actually looking forward to spending some time with them and raising Liam the way he was meant to.

"I think it's time we both do that... Together." Derek agreed. It was time.


	64. Not Going Back

Meredith watched as Liam played all day long. He was playing just out of excitement. Derek loved to see the huge smile on his son's face. He had been moderately happy, but once he realized that Meredith was coming back home, it was like the world was restored and he could be overly happy again. He knew that he was overdoing it, but he couldn't take that away from him. A little bit of fun and exercise never hurt a little boy.

"And now it is time to sleep!" Meredith said happily as she kissed Liam on the forehead. Liam giggled loudly. He had passed the point of being tired and was now awake again. "Are you going to go to sleep, Liam Patrick?" She asked as she cocked her head. "Dad is taking a shower and mom wants to prove that she can do this. Can you help me out?"

"Ma!" Liam giggle loudly. "Pay?" He asked as he began to climb out of bed.

"No way, buddy!" Meredith said quickly. "You lay down. Would you be happy if mom laid down with you? We could both go to sleep. Whew! I am so tired. I could fall asleep right here!" Meredith said with a big yawn.

Meredith laid back on his bed and pulled him down with her. At first he wiggled and tried to get away. it didn't take him long to realize that being with his mom was really where he wanted to be. Liam snuggled in as closely as she could to his mom and closed his eyes. Meredith rested her hand on him and decided she was just as tired. Meredith let all of the thoughts of self doubt leave her head as she drifted off to sleep.

Derek ran a warm bath for Meredith and decided to venture off and find her. It had been awhile since he sent her off to put Liam down. As much as he enjoyed putting Liam to sleep, he wanted her to share that feeling. It had been so long since she had been able to enjoy what she had before all of the tragedy. Derek walked through the living room and kitchen, seeing her nowhere. He finally decided to go to Liam's room, wondering if the boy was being difficult. His heart soared as he looked at Meredith and Liam snuggled up in the bed, fast asleep. Derek questioned whether or not to wake her, and finally decided to, knowing she would be sore from the bed.

"Mer..." Derek said softly as he touched her arm. Meredith quickly jerked awake and looked around very disoriented. It took her a minute to realize that she was out of the hospital and now in her new home. "I made you a bath." He told her softly as he moved Liam and helped her out of the bed.

"Sounds perfect." Meredith agreed as she stood up and wobbled, before waking up somewhat. Derek gave Liam a kiss and followed her to the master bedroom. "I need to wash my clothes later. They smell like the hospital." She groaned as she pulled out her pajamas.

"Here. Wear these." Derek suggested as he pulled out his own pajama pants and a tee shirt for her to wear. "At least theses don't smell sterile." He joked as he handed them to her. Meredith smiled as she accepted them and then pulled out her own panties.

"Thanks for making me a bath." Meredith said as she began to walk to the bathroom. Meredith paused for a moment. Her first instinct was for him to join her. She wanted to have a moment like the many they had enjoyed before. She drew in a breath. They say your gut feeling is always right. "Are you going to join me?" She asked quickly. Derek looked at her in shock. It only took him a second to respond.

"I just took a shower... But of course." He spat out quickly. He didn't want her to think he was questioning it, or having any doubts. "I would love to take a bath with you." He told her as he followed her in and shut the door halfway.

Derek watched as Meredith pulled her shirt over her back. Her body looked just the same as it had when he met her. Her hair cascaded down like a honey waterfall. Never in his life had he seen anyone more beautiful than her. As she dropped her jeans, he admired her perfect hips and ass. She was everything he ever wanted and he couldn't believe he let it slip for his job.

"Looks inviting." Meredith moaned as she placed her toe in the water. The darkness of the room set up the perfect ambience. Derek had several candles lit and the water smelled sweet and soft. She sighed as she lowered her body into the warm water. It had been forever since she had felt it envelope her skin. She had been taking showers forever.

"Mmm..." Derek moaned as he climbed into the bathtub, pulling her into his lap. Meredith immediately felt at ease with him. Even after all of their trouble, he was it. At the end of the day, she couldn't imagine being with anyone else. "You are so soft." He whispered as he nestled his face into her neck. "God, I love you."

"I love you too, Derek. I always will." She told him as she turned her head and laid it against his chest. Their bodies felt so perfect, meshed together. Meredith closed her eyes and listened to the beat of his heart. That was until she heard the pounding of little feet. "Oh no."

"Shit. He got up." Derek said as he heard the alarm from the boy's room and then the feet getting closer. "I will have to-" He started to say before it happened. They both looked up to see Liam standing next to the bathtub. "Ma! Da!" He said with excitement. They were not so excited.

"Liam." Meredith said in shock as she looked at her baby, standing before her. "You got out of bed." She pointed out as she looked at Derek.

"He does that. Too much." Derek grumbled as he looked at his son. He was getting tired of LIam escaping out of his bed in the middle of the night. If he hadn't gotten the motion sensor, who knows what Liam would end up doing in the middle of the night.

"Oh my god!" Meredith said in shock as she watched Liam start to pull his clothes off. He stood there in front of them in just his diaper. Liam was pretty much potty trained other than the occasional accident. "Do you want a bath?" She asked, seeing that he so obviously wanted to.

"Baf!" Liam said happily as he grabbed the side of the bathtub, ready to climb in.

"You don't think this is weird?" Derek asked frankly. He had taken plenty of showers with Liam, but they had never all bathed together. Maybe he was having a hard time accepting it because he knew what his plans were for the night.

"He's a baby, Derek. It's okay to bath with him. If he was five, I'd be saying something. To him, all this is just fun bath time." Meredith told him with a nod. "It will be fun. Maybe it will tire him out?" She questioned as she looked at her son, who was standing there patiently as the adults talked around him.

"I guess you are right." Derek agreed as he looked at Liam who was fighting with his diaper. "Do you want a bath, LP?" Derek asked as he looked at Liam. Liam was getting angry with the tabs that wouldn't seem to come undone. "Here, let me help you with that." He said as he leaned over and ripped the tabs, letting the diaper fall to the floor.

"There you go, buddy. Now you get to have fun too." Meredith giggled as she moved to her own side of the tub. Derek moaned at the absence of her body against his. "Let me see the guy." She said as she put her hands out. Derek handed her the baby and smiled. "Be careful, the water is too deep for him." She explained, knowing what Liam bathed in. Luckily the water had cooled down quite a bit.

"No peeing in the tub, Lee. Dad is not a fan. Not at all." Derek said as he looked at his son who was halfway swimming across the tub in Meredith's arms.

"Oh yes... We wouldn't want him to give you another golden shower." Meredith giggled, remembering the first time Derek showered with Liam. Liam had been so scared, he peed on Derek as he held him.

"The golden shower is much better than the golden bath. At least with the golden shower, I can rinse." Derek pointed out.

"You do realize this is your son, right? Your baby. A piece of you. His urine doesn't bother me at ll." Meredith said with a frown as she looked at Derek. "Do you know how many times I have been peed on, spit up on and gotten his feces all over me? Guess what, I lived!" Meredith said with a nod. Derek smiled and shook his head. She was right.

"He is having fun." Derek pointed out with a smile as he watched his son splashing in the water. As much as he didn't want him there, he couldn't help but love the time with him. "Maybe it will tire him out." He pointed out, thinking of all the things he could do once the boy was asleep.

"It will definitely tired him out. Leelee... Do you remember how to swim?" She asked him as she held him belly down. The boy started to scream out in fear that she was going to drop him in the water.

"You're okay, Liam. Mom has you. Just move your arms like this." Derek said as he made swimming motions, showing Liam how to do it. Liam looked at his dad and stopped whimpering. "You are okay."

"I have you, buddy. I won't drop you." Meredith said happily. "Swim to dad. You have to swim to dad." She told him as she moved him over towards Derek. Liam began flapping his arms wildly, thinking he was actually swimming.

"Wow! Good job!" Derek said as he accepted his son into his arms. "Look how far you swam." He said as he turned him around. Liam splashed wildly and began to giggle once he realized he was getting his dad all wet. "Whoa there, buddy!"

Liam swam back and forth happily. Derek almost forgot about what he was missing out on. Liam was the light of both of their lives and he seemed to have a way to pull them out of whatever darkness they seemed to walk into. Derek just continued to help his son swim along, making a mental note that these were the things they would never want to forget. As he looked up at Meredith, he couldn't help but give her a huge smile. It was her. It was her and that little boy. They were all he would ever need.

Liam played in the bathtub until he got tired. Meredith spotted that he was getting a little slower every time. When it was time to get out, she wrapped him in his towel and took him to his room. She quickly changed his clothes and laid him down in his bed, knowing it would be seconds before he was out. She gave him a kiss as his eyes closed, seeing that he was ready to drift off. When she was sure that he was out, she walked down the short hallway and back to the master bedroom. She looked at the bed in shock.

"I think I need you." Derek muttered as he looked up at her.

"I would say so." She said as she looked at him, laying on the bed with nothing but a smile on his face. Seeing that, she needed him too.

Meredith looked at Derek laying on the bed. Seeing him there, only made her want him more. She loved the hair on his chest. She loved the way his body was tied together with just the right amount of muscle. She loved everything about Derek and she knew as she looked at him that he was only meant to be hers forever. She was his forever.

"You look beautiful, Mer." Derek said as he watched her walk towards him, the slit in her robe showing more and more of her thigh. Derek felt himself rise, knowing what was awaiting him high up under her robe. Derek loved the way her legs never seemed to end. Her legs went on and on.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she walked up to the bed and looked into Derek's deep blue eyes. "You are definitely something. Something really good." Meredith said as she placed her knee up on the bed. Derek's eyes got wide as he caught a view of her mink soft bush in the moonlight.

"You're not so bad yourself." He told her as he gently grabbed her arm, helping her on the bed. "God, you are amazing." He told her as he watched her swing her leg over his waist.

"What do you want, Derek?" Meredith asked in a throaty voice as she looked at him with sultry eyes. "What do you want me to do to you?" She asked as she sat up on her knees and teased his hard cock with her warm folds.

Derek looked up into her eyes. He couldn't remember how they ever drifted apart. All he could do was bask in the way he was feeling at that moment. It was the feeling he had the first time he made love to her. It was the feeling he always got when she walked in the room. It was when his breath would catch in his throat and he would lose control. It was the all consuming love that radiated around her and him. It was everything they shared without having to speak a word.

"I don't need to tell you. You already know." He said with a smile as he watched her robe part as she sank herself down on his hard cock. Meredith let out a gasp at his thick veiny manhood penetrating her tight folds.

"Mmm... Perfect." She said as she sat there, motionless, enjoying what was before her.

"Yes." Derek agreed as he felt her moist wet folds enveloping his manhood so tightly. He felt perfect, nestled there so deeply in the only place he felt he was meant to be. "...Perfect."

"I just need you. I get this feeling and I need you. I need you so badly." She admitted. The whole time they were separated, she craved Derek. It wasn't necessarily the physical aspect of it. It was the emotional connection that she needed so badly. She needed him in every way that he was able to give himself to her. She needed to feel their flesh meet and their souls connect.

"I know what you mean, Mer. I know what you are talking about. I feel it too." He said with a nod as he ran his hands up her smooth thighs. He watched as more and more of the robe parted, a smile crossing his face. Derek ran his hands up her smooth stomach, rubbing gently. He let out a breath as he felt Meredith begin to rock slowly on his shaft, a smile now covering her own face. "You feel perfect, baby." He told her.

Derek knew he needed to reassure her. One of his biggest worries was that she would forget that he loved her. he had been so bad about it in the past, he was almost paranoid about it. He worried that she would get afraid and run. He knew that for a very long time he was going to have to make sure that his intentions were known and quite transparent.

"You have no idea how badly I needed this." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes and began her own tempo, making sure to pleasure herself. Derek looked at her closed eyes and look of pleasure. He slowly grabbed the tie to her robe and undid it. His hands pushed the sides apart and looked at her perfect body before him. His hands gently went to her breasts and rubbed. "Oh!" Meredith gasped as she felt him pinch slightly.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked with concern. At the moment, he was more worried about making sure she was happy than himself.

"Fine." She said with a smile as she leaned forward and placed her hands on his chest for stability. Derek leaned up and grasped a nipple in his mouth, sucking gently. Meredith rocked her hips harder and faster, feeling her orgasm coming and unable to maintain the self control to stave it off.

"Just do it baby. Fuck me hard!" Derek moaned as he released her nipple and drove his cock up into her. Meredith let out a yelp and a gasp as she felt his iron hard cock driving into her. "Oh yeah, that's it." Derek grunted as he held her hips and watched as she frantically chased her high.

"Oh...I'm there." Meredith gasped as she felt it coming on strong. She titled forward, feeling his cock rubbing just the right spot. "Oh...oh...oh yeah...oh god...oh. Oh my...Oh." meredith whimpered as she felt her core tighten down around his cock. The feeling of pleasure filling her with endorphins as Derek pumped gently into her.

"Oh fuck...I'm cumming baby... That was good. So good!" Derek told her as he drove into her one last time and began shooting his seeds into her core. Meredith closed her eyes as their bodies reacted to one another. "Oh yeah." Derek said as he closed his eyes. It was perfection. They were there and they weren't going back.


	65. An Awakening

Meredith had been attending her daily sessions. They weren't long. Well, long enough for her to get a little upset, and long enough for Dr. Taylor to get her back and just a tad better than she was when she came in. He was always telling her that she was improving. While she didn't believe it herself, but she chose to go along with him, considering he was the professional. Meredith most likely measured her success in healing by her own successes in life. Success to her was just the same as it was to her mother, measured by her professional life.

"I know." Derek said with a sigh as he looked up from the book her was reading. Meredith rolled her eyes and laid her head back. Derek was a reader, but it seemed like he was even more of a reader these days. There wasn't much else to do.

"You know what?" Meredith asked in a monotone voice. There wasn't much that he was going to say to be of any comfort. She wanted her home and the hospital.

"This is hell and you want to go home." He pointed out frankly. He knew that she was forgetting that he knew her all too well.

"It is hell. I mean, not really. I know we are fortunate. I may not act that way, but I do know it. There aren't many people that can come live in another state, get a house and live without working. I know people would kill for the opportunity to sit on their ass for a year. The thing is, I am not one of those people." She told him with a nod.

"Honestly, I felt the same way." Derek admitted. His first few weeks in in Arizona was enough to make him suicidal. The only things that held him together were his son and being able to be with Meredith most of the time. She was the one that kept him sane. Had he had to just sit around alone, he would have been miserable. "But you kept me busy. And then I thought about how selfish I was being. No way will I ever go back to the way I was. No way will I ever treat you in that manner. I live for you and my son. So right now, that is what I do. I read this book and I plan what we will do to give Liam the best memories he will ever have."

"Derek, you are a corn dog. One of those good ones, though. But you are definitely a corn dog." She told him with a laugh.

"Corn dog, huh? I didn't hear you complaining about my corn dog last night. In fact, I heard you moaning very loudly." He told her as he tossed his book aside and walked over to the sofa, pummeling her.

"Ah!" She squealed as she laid back, feeling his weight holding her down. "Derek!" She shouted, feeling his tongue lapping the ticklish spot on her neck.

"You know you enjoy it." He told her as he kissed her softly. Meredith sighed gently and stopped resisting. It was true, she did enjoy it. She would fight about it. She would pout about it. The truth was, she loved every minute that she had with Derek and she always would.

"Maybe." She admitted as she looked into his sparkling blue eyes and leaned forward, kissing him gently on the lips. "Maybe a lot." She added as she pulled away and went in again.

"Our son will be getting up. I'm not ready for him to wonder just what in the hell mom and dad are doing to each other." Derek told her with a frown. "But I am all for picking this up at a later time, like tonight?" He suggested. Meredith smiled, knowing that it was a most excellent way to pass the time. Not that they needed to pass it, it seemed to fly away quicker than they could grasp it.

"That sounds like a great plan." Meredith agreed as she laid back and smiled. "Oh! Oh!" Meredith shouted as she pushed Derek off of her with all of her might, sending him to the floor.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked as he watched her run away. His heart started to jump as he heard her footsteps disappear. "Mer?"

"I'm fine." She shouted as she continued on. Derek raised an eyebrow and shrugged as he sat there. He figured she probably forgot to do something.

Liam jumped out of his bed. Naps were getting a little shorter for him everyday. Unless Derek and Meredith took him out for a long play session, he would only nap for a short while. The weather was usually hot, but dry. They would take him out to play for a few hours, completely slathered in sunscreen, and then come home for a nap, only to go out once again in the late afternoon. This morning they had stayed in, and his waking up proved that. Liam began to run down the hallway, heading to their bedroom, when he stopped in his tracks. He looked in the bathroom at his mom, hunched over the toilet. Liam's face filled with confusion as he walked in.

"Oh..." Meredith moaned as she finished retching and sat back on the tile. Liam walked up to her and placed his hand on her face. "Mama doesn't feel very good, buddy." She explained as she groaned.

"Mer... Is everything-" Derek started as he walked in. Derek looked at the green shade on her face.

"Ma hur." Liam said with a frown. Derek looked into Meredith's eyes, and she into his. This was very unexpected, but they knew just what it was.

"Uh... I don't know what to say." Derek said in shock as he stood there and looked at her. He should have dropped to his knees to help her, but all he could think about was what was to come. "Is it- Are you?" Derek asked as he finally got on the floor with Meredith and their son.

I- I- I don't know!" Meredith said in shock as she laid her head back against the wall.

As Meredith stayed there with her eyes closed, she thought about it. She had been feeling nauseous whenever she smelled some things. She had been feeling drained by the end of the day, and in the morning, she just felt sick. As she thought back to her pregnancy with Liam, it was very similar. Meredith opened her eyes and looked up at Derek, who seemed to have no idea what to do next.

"I think I am." Meredith said with a sigh as she let Liam climb into her lap.

"You are? You think you're pregnant?" Derek asked as if it were the greatest thing in the world. To him, a child would always be a blessing and he was always sure that they would get more than one.

"I guess I could be." She told him frankly. Meredith and Derek hadn't been using any protection, and she had quit taking her birth control shortly after she and Derek quit being intimate. "I haven't taken any birth control in months." She said as she felt her stomach knot up. "And we haven't used a condom. I guess I wasn't thinking. I am so sorry! I wasn't thinking!" Meredith said as she began to cry.

"Why are you crying?" Derek asked her in shock as he looked into her eyes. To him this was great. A baby was just what they needed to completely pull them together and get them back to where they had been. "This is great!"

"Great? Derek, our life is a mess. How can you sit there and say this is great. This is everything we don't want. We aren't ready for a baby. Liam is still a baby himself. Meredith said as she rubbed her hand over her son's head.

"Are you kidding? This is our little man." He explained as he leaned forward and kissed Liam's head. "We are ready. Meredith, we are ready for anything. This is the greatest gift we could have ever been given."

"You know, I'm probably not even pregnant. I may just be coming down with something." She said as she took a firm hold of her son and stood up. "Let's just... Not worry about it."

"Oh no. We aren't doing this. You aren't going to slip into denial and wait for this to go away." Derek told her as he climbed to his own feet and stood in front of her. "Liam and I are going. LP, would you like to take a ride with dad i the car?" He asked as he held his hands out.

"Yeah!" Liam said loudly as he practically jumped into his father's arms.

"Mer, you take a nap, okay? You need to rest. Liam and I are going to the store. We will be right back." He told her as he walked down the hallway. Meredith groaned loudly and followed him out, where she took her spot on the sofa.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything before I go?" Derek asked as he walked back into the living room with a damp washcloth and a glass of ginger ale.

"No, Derek. I'm fine. Really, I'm okay." She told him with a healthy nod. "I don't know why you are worrying? I have done this all on my own. I am capable of taking care of myself. I learned to rather quickly." She pointed out.

"Okay then." Derek muttered as he walked away with Liam in his arms.

Derek would never admit it, but what she said cut deep. He had know how she was her whole life. John had always taken care of everything. He knew that the main reason she had stayed in her failing marriage for so long was because she was afraid to go out on her own. After Derek had taken the job as chief, she had been forced to hold up the fort and manage the day to day things. Whenever she pointed out to hi that she really didn't need him, it hurt. They were supposed to be a unit, working together better than alone. He had changed that all.

Meredith laid back on the sofa and thought. A baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. She had always wanted kids. She was more than happy with Liam, and after their marriage began to fail, she decided that she was never going to have another. She decided that her life was best lived if for Liam and nothing else. Now, rather quickly, things were changing. Now she may be becoming a mother again, and she wasn't sure she was ready.

Meredith didn't even know she had fallen asleep until She heard the front door click. It was a familiar sound that signaled Derek's arrival. It was a sound that she had rarely heard in her own home in Seattle. Meredith opened her tired eyed and lifted her head. Derek sat Liam down on the floor and let him run. He of course ran straight to Meredith and climbed on the sofa. Derek walked over and leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

"Here." He said as he placed the plastic bag on her abdomen.

"What's this?" Meredith asked as she opened the bag and looked down. She drew in a breath as she looked at the pregnancy test in the bag. "Oh." She muttered with a frown on her face. "I guess... We should, huh?"

"We should." Derek agreed as he looked at it. "We need to know. But Mer, no matter what, it will be okay. I think after everything we have been through, we can handle this." He told her with a nod.

"I think you're right." Meredith agreed. They had been through more than their fair share.

Meredith gripped the test in her hand. The stick held the news of their future. It was so scary, knowing that everything could change. Liam looked at his parents, almost sensing that he may be lacking all of the attention that has been poured on him throughout life. Meredith pulled herself off of the sofa and looked at Derek, almost wanting him to foresee the future to make it easier on them both. Derek put a supportive hand on her back as they walked to the master bathroom.

"I'm nervous." Meredith admitted as she opened the box and stood there, looking in the mirror at Derek.

"We have no reason to be nervous." Derek told her frankly. "This would change nothing. We have enough love in our hearts for another child. In my opinion, it would be a blessing." He told her happily as he picked up Liam. "What do you think, Mr. LP?"

"Pay. Pay out." He said with a nod. Meredith knew it was time for him to go outside and play. He needed to burn off some of his energy.

"Of course you would want to play outside." Derek said with a sigh. "You need to wait a minute, though. Mom and dad have something important to do." Derek told him son. Liam's face fell, half understanding that he was going to have to wait for his romp.

"No, Derek. I have to do this. Last I checked, you peeing on a stick does nothing to determine if we are going to have a child. Take him outside and play. I can handle this." Meredith told him with a big nod.

"Only if you're sure." Derek said simply. He didn't want Meredith to think that she ever had to do anything on her own. Meredith looked at the test and nodded her head yes. "Okay. Well, you call us in. Before you read it, call us in." Derek emphasized as he picked up Liam.

"No! No! Down!" Liam said as he kicked his dad hard. Derek grunted at the force his son had.

"Liam, stop that. Have some patience." Derek told him and he held his legs tight enough to keep him from kicking again. "We'll be outside." Derek groaned as he held Liam close and the boy grumbled loudly.

"Have fun." Meredith said loudly as they disappeared down the hallways, Liam's happy cries getting more and more faint. "Okay, Mer. You can do this." Meredith sighed as she looked at the stick, and then at her own face in the mirror.

Meredith peed on the stick and then sat on the closed toilet seat, checking the time. At least Derek had bought a good test, not the cheap kind. Meredith thought about the look on Derek's face. She could tell that he was almost counting on this. She knew that if she wasn't pregnant, there would be definite disappointment on his end.

Meredith wasn't sure what she wanted. The truth was, she was terrified. He wasn't sure that she was ready to have another child. She was just starting to get where she needed to be mentally, and she wasn't sure she could handle the pressure of being pregnant and raising Liam. Right now, Liam was more than a handful, and then to add another to that, it would send the universe spiraling.

Meredith closed her eyes and thought about of she was pregnant. If she was, she would be happy, even knowing about all the reserves she had. A child was always a blessing, no matter what. Meredith always believed that. Liam was unplanned, and yet he was the best thing in her world. Meredith rubbed her abdomen, wondering if it were empty or if it held a piece of the man she loved and herself.

Meredith looked at the clock. It was time. She needed to check it, and yet she was having a hard time pulling herself up to her feet. Finally she drew in a breath, trying to muster up the strength to do it. Finally, she raised herself to her feet and picked it up, looking down. As she stared at it, a mixture of emotions took her over. She couldn't believe it. She laid it back down and looked in the mirror. She was unsure of what to think.

"Da!" Liam squealed as he tore through the yard, trying to escape his father, the monster. Just as he rounded the slide, he tripped over a divot and fell to his feet. Derek ran to him as he began to cry. Nothing hurt him more than to see the tears pool in his eyes.

"You're okay, buddy." Derek said as he knelt down beside him, seeing that he was okay. "You're not hurt." Liam took in a few gasping breaths and looked at his dad.

Derek rubbed his son's back as he climbed into his lap. At that moment, he knew without a doubt that he wanted another child. He wanted to love another child like he loved Liam. Somehow his son made him feel complete and he would do anything to feel that again.

Meredith walked out the back door and looked at her husband and his son. She knew that Derek was a great father, even if he had gotten a little off course in the past. Meredith slowly walked across the yard and watched as Liam gave his dad a sloppy kiss. Just as she neared, Derek looked up at her.

"You looked." Derek said, being able to read her eyes. "And?"

"We- we're going to be parents... Again." Meredith said with a smile. Derek quickly jumped up, with Liam in his arms.

"Do you hear that buddy? You are going to have a brother or sister." He said quickly. Meredith smiled as Derek leaned in and kissed her. She was just as happy. It just took her a moment to realize it.

Meredith had been worried about telling Dr. Taylor. Derek insisted that it would be fine, but sye couldn't help but think he would be disappointed. She had been doing so well in her healing and she was sure he would say this would inhibit that. Derek held her hand a reassured her, telling her that not only would he be happy for them, but worst case scenario, it didn't matter what he thought.

Not only was Dr. Taylor happy for them, but he actually thought it would aid in Meredith's healing. Now she would be able to focus on something else, rather than drown herself in her sorrows. This new baby would take her focus off of gried and throw it onto happiness. He not only gave them his blessing, but he added that she would only need to go to therapy once a week from now on. If that wasn't good news, they didn't know what was.

"We need to get you and appointment with the obstetrician." Derek said with a smile as he looked into her eyes. Meredith couldn't help but smile. The thought of sonograms and tiny baby socks was enough to make her smile.

"We do. I need to call Addison and give her the good news." Meredith said with a nod. Addison was a great friend and one of the top neonatal specialists. If anyone knew where Meredith should go, it was her.

0 A

Meredith frowned slightly. She was actually shocked that she hadn't heard a word from anyone. Not one of her friends had called to check on her. No one was reaching out to Derek or the family. She knew they were busy, but that didn't change the fact that it was more than hurtful. She laid her head back and sighed. They were just busy. Residents were always busy. They probably had more workload than they could handle.

"That's a great idea, Mer." Derek said as he looked in the back seat at Liam, who was awake but completely amused. "How would you like some ice cream?" Derek asked Liam, knowing he would get a huge response.

0 D

"Scream!" Liam shouted as he bounced around in his car seat. "Lee want scream."

"Mom wants scream too." Meredith said with a smile. "In fact, I want a ton. Pistachio and chocolate. And cheesecake chunk. Or cherry. I don't know, I want them all." She said happily. The thought of creamy cool ice cream made her temporarily forget what was bothering her.

"Mer, you can get whatever you want." He said with a smile, taking the familiar route to the ice cream parlor. "And as much as you want. I remember how it was with Liam. Just don't make yourself sick." He warned as he looked over.

"I'll try not to." Meredith said as she thought about it. She wanted so much, she was sure she wouldn't be able to control herself.

Derek drove quickly to the parlor, hoping that Meredith wouldn't gnaw his arm off before they got there. He could tell something was wrong with her, but he was sure it didn't have to do with the pregnancy. He could see that her feelings towards the baby and having an addition were completely genuine.

Meredith of course2 0ordered and insane amount of ice cream with nearly every topping layered on the gooey melting concoction. Derek shook his head, knowing that Meredith was going to eat it all. Liam sat happily on his lap, indulging himself in superman flavored ice cream, while Derek enjoyed a simple hot fudge sundae.

"Are you okay?" Derek finally asked as he watched Meredith eat her sundae with a certain bit of distraction on her face.

"I am." Meredith lied. Derek knew right away that she was lying. He could read her like a book.

"You are not. Now spill it before it eats you alive." Derek warned as he looked into her darkening green eyes. She was sad and he wanted to know why.

"It's just… They don't call. No one writes. It's like I never existed to them. Do they all hate me that much? I'm just a murderer to them, aren't I?" She asked as she took a gasping breath. Liam looked up with alarm on his face.

"A murderer? How can you say that?" Derek asked in shock. He never thought that was going through her mind. That was the last thing anyone believed. "You are not a murderer. As far as them not calling you, that's my fault." Derek said as he dropped his head.

What do you mean, your fault?" Meredith asked as she wiped the few stray tears off of her cheeks and looked up. She had to giggle as Liam splattered his face with ice cream.

"I told them not to call. Not until you are ready. I just- It was so tired of the well wishes. It was never ending. They care, Mer. They are just keeping their distance. It's not you at all. In fact, I bet th ey'd be elated to hear from you." Derek told her with a smile. "I just didn't want you having any extra stress when you weren't ready for it."

"I understand." Meredith said as she drew in a breath. She understood how Derek must have felt, getting calls nonstop, people hoping them well, but only making him wish it had never happened. Meredith couldn't wait until she got home. She had so much she wanted to tell. And even more she wanted to hear.


	66. Leaving

Meredith was in much better spirits after talking to her friends. No one made her feel as if she had done a thing wrong. It was as if nothing had changed, and she had been on vacation. Derek was relieved that she was finally able to connect with someone, seeing how it made her more alive than she had seemed since their stay in Arizona. Derek worried about how things would be when they arrived back in Seattle, but he knew with the army of friends that they had, surely everything would be okay.

"So how is mommy feeling?" Derek asked as he walked up behind Meredith, who was at the countertop. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his hands on her abdomen.

"I'm feeling good." Meredith moaned as she turned around, facing him, and placed her head against his chest. "Just a little tired. But then again, that is what a little man will do to you." She said with a smile.

"It is. I'm actually surprised he fell asleep this soon. Did you even get a chance to get some food in him?" Derek questioned, looking up at the clock. Once he looked up, he realized that it wasn't too early for Liam to be in bed.

"I did. He had chicken tenders and tater tots. I know it isn't the most healthy, but for some reason everything that I pulled out of the refrigerator made my stomach churn." Meredith pointed out as she looked up into Derek's eyes. "So I have no idea what I am supposed to make us for dinner. It all sounds disgusting." She said with a sigh.

"Oh... That is no good. There has to be something in this house that appeals to you." Derek said with a sigh as he opened up the cupboards and began his great search. "What about pasta?" He asked as he pushed over some wacky noodles. Judging by the look on her face, he pushed them aside. "Okay, no pasta. Hmm... What about crackers?" He asked as he pulled out parmesan flavored crackers, watching her turn green. "No. Hmm... Peanut butter and jelly?" He asked as he held out the jar. Meredith looked up and smiled.

"That actually sounds good. With some chips." Meredith added with a nod as she opened another door and grabbed out a bag of marcelled chips. Meredith grabbed two plastic plates that they used when they picnicked with Liam, and poured out a healthy amount of chips on eat plate.

"I haven't eaten P,B and J in a very, and I mean very long time." Derek said with a chuckle as he spread it out on the bread, making sure to use just the right amount. Meredith put the jars away as Derek completed his task. "Here you go, my dear." Derek said as he placed her sandwich in four triangles on her plate. "Wow... I will never eat that many chips." He pointed out as he placed his own on his plate.

"If you don't, I will." Meredith said with a nod and a smile as she grabbed her plate and headed for the living room.

"I have a feeling you really will." Derek agreed with a smile as he sat back on the sofa, placing his plate on the arm. "Here, whatever you want." He told her as he handed the remote control over to her and looked at the screen. Meredith turned it on and began flipping, more interested in her food than anything.

"Like I know." She muttered through a mouthful of sticky peanut butter and looked up at the t.v. "This looks just about as good as anything." She said, lips smacking as she looked up at the gore on the screen.

"Whatever you want, Mer." He said, once again, just wanted to make sure that she was content. He felt more fulfilled watching her enjoy her food than watching the movie. "...Whatever you want."

"Are you sure, Der? I know you aren't a huge fan of horror." She pointed out as she stuck her tongue out at the blood and violence.

"Hey, I am watching the scariest horror movie of my life, right now. It's called a starving Meredith devouring her food." Derek teased as he looked at her. Meredith looked up in shock and quickly threw a chip at Derek's face. He shook his head and picked it up off of their sofa, chomping it loudly.

Meredith not only ate her food, but she helped Derek finish the remaining ships that he had warned her he couldn't handle. Derek leaned back on the sofa, spreading his legs out flat, and pulled her against him. Even if it wasn't the most comfortable position, it was made all the better by Derek's warm tranquil body against hers. Meredith nestled her head against his chest and closed her eyes, completely satisfied.

Derek didn't even hear the t.v. go off when the timer turned it off. He didn't hear his tiny son tearing through the house, now awake and ready to go. They had both forgotten to turn on the sensor for his door. He had been sleeping every night and not waking up and terrorizing. Derek and Meredith laid on the sofa in a comfortable slumber. Liam ran through the house, looking for his parents. Panic started to set in when he couldn't find them. Liam began to whimper as he looked around.

"In here, buddy." Derek muttered, half asleep. Liam opened his eyes wide and ran to the sofa, looking completely relieved.

"Da... Scared." Liam pointed out as he put his hands up. Derek picked him up and pulled him on Meredith's abdomen. Liam snuggled against the side and looked up at his dad.

"Sleep now." Derek told him. Liam closed his eyes and they all did.

--

Derek would never admit it, but he was liking Arizona. He missed work, and he missed Seattle, but he liked the simplicity of Arizona. They had dropped everything. Everything that they loved was back in Seattle, but he was seeing that everything that he really loved was right before him. It was his family. As he looked over at Meredith, head back on the sofa, snoring lightly with her hand rested on her abdomen, he knew this was all she needed.

"Da... Scream." Liam said loudly as he looked up. Derek looked at him with a perplexed face.

"Why would I scream?" Derek asked as he looked at his son. "And don't you scream, mommy is sleeping." Derek explained as he looked at his son. He liked family time, but he was starting to feel like the tin man. Just a bit rusty.

"No!" Liam said with exaggeration. "Scream." He emphasized loudly. Derek put his finger to his lips and pointed to Meredith. "Scream." Liam said as he walked over and grabbed Derek's hand. Derek sighed as he rose from his seat and followed his son, walking half hunched over to make up for his son's tiny stature.

"What are you doing, buddy?" Derek asked as he looked at his son.

"Scream." He said as he opened the freezer door. Derek looked at him and began laughing. Liam wanted ice cream. All this time he was referring to ice cream.

"You want ice cream." Derek said as he looked at the carton of ice cream. "Well... He said, seeing that dinner wasn't too far away. "How about this popsicle?" Derek asked as he looked at the one-hundred percent juice popsicle in front of him.

"Popa-cle?" Liam asked as he accepted it. It wasn't ice cream, but it was something and he would accept it. "Mmm... Popacle!" He said as he stuck it in his mouth. "Gooood."

"Yes, popacles are good." Derek agreed, knowing that Meredith would kill him for saying that. She always said they had to speak to him correctly. "Let dad see." Derek said as he leaned down. Liam held it up and Derek bit off the end.

"DA!" Liam yelled angrily as he started to cry.

"Liam, calm down. That was too much for you, and you need to share with dad." Derek explained. Liam pursed his lips and turned away. Derek felt a bit guilty. He could have asked for a bite, rather than just taking it. "Dad was mean, he should have asked." Derek told him as he stood there. Liam had popsicle all over his face. "You be careful with that. Mom doesn't want a mess."

"Mess." Liam stated as he licked it again, obviously content with it, even if it wasn't ice cream. Derek stood and watched his son make a mess of his face, knowing that he needed to do something about it. Just as he went to get a washcloth, he heard the phone ring and darted to get it.

"Hello?" Derek said quickly, hoping the phone didn't wake Meredith. She was tired from the early appointment with the OB/GYN. "Oh hey, Chief." Derek said as he leaned against the counter. He was in shock that he was calling. Derek stood there and listened as he looked at the sonogram picture on the counter. He couldn't believe she was two months pregnant.

Liam walked into the living room and looked up at his mom. Liam had noticed that his mom was getting a little chunkier, but it meant nothing. He would pat her belly and lay his head on it. They hadn't talked to him about the baby yet, but they were preparing to do it. Liam stared at his mom as the strawberry flavored popsicle juice ran down his face. He slowly and carefully climbed up the sofa and looked at her closer.

"Sare." He said, meaning share as he looked at her. Liam quickly stuck his popsicle in his mom's face.

"Ahh!" Meredith screamed as she opened eyes, having felt the popsicle on her skin. Liam heard his mom's loud scream and it scared him causing him to drop it on her. Meredith watched as the popsicle when down her face, her chest and then landed on the sofa, followed by the rug. "Liam!" She said in shock. Liam looked down at the mess and started to cry.

"Sawy." He whined as laid his head against his mom's chest. Meredith needed to pick up the popsicle, but she could see that he was upset.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he rushed in. Derek began laughing as he looked at Meredith, who looked to be a complete mess. She was covered in red juice and it was all over. "Oh my god." He said as he looked at her face. Liam quit crying and looked at his dad. "It's all over your face."

"Apparently Liam thinks he needs to feed me while she is sleeping." Meredith said as she began to laugh and wipe the juice off of her face with her hand. Derek quickly wiped them both with the washcloth.

"I need to tell you something." He said as he picked up the popsicle stick.

"Okay." Meredith answered quickly. She had no idea why, but she was nervous.

"I need to go to Seattle. The Chief needs me. I have to go, Mer. I have to." He told her. Meredith knew she couldn't go. Not yet. She felt her stomach flip. He was leaving her.

"Why do you need to go to Seattle?" Meredith asked. She didn't want to be selfish. She didn't want to beg him not to. She didn't want to be that wife. But that didn't change the fact that she was worried that he wouldn't come back.

"There is a high profile case coming in. The Chief really needs me." Derek pointed out as he finished cleaning up the popsicle mess.

"But why? Why can't the patient come here?" Meredith asked, already knowing the answer to the question. Liam could sense the upset in her voice and he quickly climbed into her lap.

"Meredith... I think you know why. I am not on staff at this hospital. Besides, it is easier for me to go to the patient than it is for the patient to be sent to me." Derek explained. "If this wasn't an important case, I wouldn't go, Mer. And I guess I don't have to- If you want me to stay, I will call him back."

"No. No, just go. I know that people need you. It's okay." She said as she kissed Liam on the head. "When do you have to go?" She asked, assuming it would be soon.

"Today. My flight leaves in a couple of hours." He told her frankly. Derek frowned as he watched her face fall. Meredith was definitely upset about it. As he sat there, he wondered if he was going to set her back in her treatment by leaving her alone. He was only planning on being gone a couple of days, be he wondered.

"Of course... Yeah, I guess it would." She said with disappointment. She knew he would be leaving soon, but never thought a couple of hours, she was thinking that he would leave in the evening. "I need to use the ladies room." She said as she pulled Liam off of her and stood up.

Meredith slowly walked away, wanting to run. She could feel the tears pricking her eyes. She knew she shouldn't be this upset about him leaving, but she was. As she stood in front of the mirror, she looked at her own sad face and finally let the tears fall hard. Tears crashed down her cheeks, making her eyes red and her face salty. She was so afraid that he wasn't going to come back. Meredith lifted her shirt and looked at the baby bump. She didn't want to raise another baby alone.

Derek sat on the sofa with Liam. He knew she was upset, but he didn't know what to do. He waited, counting the seconds that were multiplying into minutes. After several minutes, he started to worry. He was worried that she was in distress. He looked at Liam, who was ready to hop down off of his lap as it was.

"LP, why don't you go play with the truck?" Derek suggested as he lifted Liam off his lap and placed him on the floor. "Go play with the truck for a minute." He told him as he pointed to the toy truck on the rug.

"'Kay. You pay too, Da?" He asked as he plopped down on the rug and looked at up at his father.

"Not right now. I will be right back. I'm going to go check on mom." Derek told him as he walked off towards the bathroom. Derek stood outside the door and listened to the gasping breaths that were escaping her mouth. Derek felt a feeling in the pit of his stomach. He did this. "Mer?" He asked as he tapped on the door.

"Just a minute." Meredith replied as she leaned against the door. She didn't want him to know she was crying. She didn't look at herself in the mirror as she tried to pull herself together. "I'll be out in a minute." She said again, this time trying to use a less shaky voice.

"Mer... Let me in." Derek said as he put his hand on the door handle. He quickly realized that it was open. "I'm coming in." He told her, not giving her a chance to respond. Derek squeezed his body in the door and into the small bathroom.

"I'm fine." Meredith said as she rushed to the sink and threw water on her face. Derek shook his head and looked at the back of her head. "Something is my eye."

"Something is both eyes? That seems a bit... unlikely. You are not okay. You are not fine. I know why you're not, Mer." He explained as he rubbed his hand on her back. "I know this has been hard. I have been a horrible husband in the past. Meredith, you don't have to worry. I am here. Yes, I'm leaving for a couple of days, but I am coming back. I made mistakes in the past, but that time is over. I know in the past that my priorities weren't straight. I've learned my lesson, Meredith. I am here for you. You and Liam are my life. If you don't want me to go, I won't. You are more important. If you are worried... I will just stay here." He explained as he turned her around.

"Derek..." She cried as she laid against his chest. "I know I'm being crazy. It's the hormones." She excused as she closed her eyes.

"It's not the hormones. It's the past. This is me, Mer. I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to go back and fix it. I promise I m here for you. I am here for you forever. I may leave like this, but I will always come back." He told her as he wiped her tears and kissed her forehead.

"You promise?" She asked as she scrunched her face.

"I promise." Derek told her firmly as he held her against his chest. That was enough for her.


	67. Fun Times

Meredith felt blue when Derek left. She didn't want to feel that way. She was hoping that she could just go on without a worry in the world. It wasn't even close to happening. She would never say it out loud, but even after Derek's promise that she knew he would never break, she was still worried in the back of her head that he wasn't going to come back.

"Ma... I hungwy." Liam said as he looked over at her. Several hours earlier Liam had woken up and joined her in the bed. As much as she knew she had to get up, she couldn't quite muster up the strength. Not to mention, she was having a good day as far as morning sickness was concerned.

"Oh, Liam." Meredith said with a frown. She immediately felt guilt. She wondered how long he had been hungry. "Let's get you some breakfast." She suggested as she slowly crawled out of the bed. She could swear that her stomach had grown overnight.

"'Kay!" He said enthusiastically as he jumped out of bed. Meredith always cringed when he did it, fearful that he would fall. He had established a long time ago that he was more than capable to get out of the bed on his own.

"So what would you like? Eggs? Oatmeal?" She asked with a smile. She liked him to have a warm breakfast if they had time. Having grown up on mostly cereal and leftovers, she was adamant about it with her son.

"Meawl!" He shouted just a little too loudly. Meredith stared at the empty coffee pot. That was definitely a downside to Derek's departure. She looked at her son and then her coffee pot. Did she need coffee or did he need breakfast?

Meredith poured the old fashioned oatmeal in a pan and started cooking it. While that was going, she made her coffee. She sighed as she picked up a peach and threw it into the boiling pot water. Liam was standing in front of the tv with his eyes glued on the cartoons. Somehow, he had learned to turn it on and find them, much to Meredith's dismay.

"Liam, why don't you come to the table and color with the crayons?" She suggested as she pulled out crayons and paper. Derek had purchased a big roll of paper and she could cover nearly the whole table to keep him from coloring on the furniture.

"'Kay." He said as he ran around the sofa and into the kitchen. Meredith was still trying to get used to their new house, looking around for things. Meredith quickly crossed the room and flipped the news on. She didn't like Liam to watch cartoons and she knew that Liam would get distracted by them.

"Mommy is hurrying." Meredith said as she pulled the peach out of the boiling water and peeled it. Believe it or not, it was a trick she had learned from her own mother. "Peaches and oatmeal for you." She said with a smile as she threw the skin in the trash and began cutting it up. She pulled the oatmeal off of the fire and let it cool. "I think I'm going to have some too." She explained as she pulled out his special bowl, and one from the regular set for herself.

"Mom is having meawl too." Liam muttered to himself as she scribbled wildly, nearly breaking the crayons in half. Meredith placed their oatmeal in the bowls with a tiny scoop of natural vanilla ice cream for sweetness and to cool it down.

"Okay, it's time to eat." Meredith said with a smile as she placed the bowls on the countertop and then grabbed his big sheet of paper off of the table for later. "Are you ready, buddy?"

"Yep." Liam said as he grabbed his special spoon and got ready to dig into his food. He looked up at Meredith, who was blowing on her oatmeal. She made sure that his was cool enough to eat. Liam held his spoon and began blowing it.

"It's cool, buddy. You can eat it." Meredith told him as she tried to take his spoon and feed it to him.

"No! Have it!" He said as he yanked it away. Meredith shook her head and went back to her own oatmeal. She took a big bite and let him go on his own. They were in no hurry except for her appointment later in the day. He could sit there and blow on his already cool food if he needed to.

"Mmm!" Liam said loudly as he finally took his bite. Meredith smiled and shook her head as she watched him eat his oatmeal big bite after big bite.

Meredith sat back in the chair and ate her oatmeal sadly. She missed Derek. He hadn't even been gone twenty-four hours. She sat there and thought about him in Seattle. She felt sick, knowing that he was around all her friends and she was alone. She felt slightly jealous that he was able to work and she had to stay in a place where she knew no one. And the thing that bothered her the most was that Alexis was there. She hadn't even thought about that. No until now.

"No py." Liam said as he looked up at her. Meredith looked down at him in shock. She didn't even realize that she had tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm okay, Liam. Mommy isn't sad." She lied as she looked into his eyes. "I'm alright." She told him as she wiped her eyes and cheeks with the paper napkin and took another bite. She was lying to him and herself. Liam sighed as he took a bite of his oatmeal.

Meredith went through the normal morning routine. It was amazing how quickly she remembered it. Derek helped, but before there was Derek, it was just Liam and Meredith. Meredith helped Liam dress into a polo shirt and khakis. She had an appointment at Claireridge and Liam was going to have to come along with her. The staff at Claireridge loved Liam, and she knew that he probably wouldn't even have to go into the daycare.

"Are you ready, big guy?" Meredith asked as she looked down at him. She laughed at him, his hair was wild and he was needing a haircut. He was looking less like a little man and more like a vagrant.

"Yep." Liam said agreeing to going. He always liked to ride in the car and would go anywhere. He looked at it as a big adventure. "Wet's go!" He told her as he marched towards the door.

"I think you need your hair cut." Meredith told him as she rubbed his head. He pushed her hand away and felt his own hair. She looked at the puzzled look on his face. It looked like he was not wanting it. "Should we do that today?" She asked him.

"No. Hurt." He cried as he pulled on his hair. Meredith watched as he pulled the strands and tried to pull it out. "Oww."

"Haircuts don't hurt, silly. And stop pulling your hair! They don't pull it out." Meredith explained as she looked at him. "It doesn't hurt at all. You will see. Besides, you have had this done a million times!" Meredith explained as she walked towards the car. She looked down at her phone, seeing she hadn't missed any calls. She felt the knot form in her stomach. It was not going to go away.

Meredith placed Liam in the car seat. He sat up straight and attempted to help her strap him on. As Meredith reached across, she felt a tightness in her belly. She knew she had to try to relax and not worry about Derek. Whatever this case was, it was big and maybe he had been in surgery all day and night long. Whatever it was, she had to keep reminding herself that he was coming back and he was not with Alexis.

"Okay, let's go." Meredith said happily as she climbed into the driver's seat and started the car. Once again, she looked at her phone, wondering if she had missed a call, but knowing she had not.

Meredith looked back at Liam nonstop as they drove down the road. He seemed so content to look out the window and see everything they were passing. When he was really young, they would take hi on car rides to get him to fall asleep. He would still fall asleep occasionally, but he tried to keep his eyes peeled.

"Dog!" Liam shouted loudly as he pointed to a woman walking a huge black dog down the road. "Dog, Ma! Dog!" He said as he wrenched his neck and looked out the back window.

"Yep, it was." Meredith agreed. Liam had always liked animals. She knew eventually he would want a dog. Eventually, they would have to get him one. She knew that she would have to wait until after the baby was here and old enough to be safe around him or her.

Meredith drove in silence to the center. She was a bit tired, just because her sleep was interrupted. She woke up all night, wondering what was going on with Derek. She didn't want to bother him, but at the same time she did. Meredith drove the familiar path, almost wanting this to be over. She was getting to the point to where she was beginning to consider the therapy just a waste of time. She would never tell Dr. Taylor that, but it was how she felt.

Meredith walked in with Liam's little hand in hers. He refused to be held, he wanted to walk. Everyone gathered around Liam when he walked in. They loved how talkative and bold he was. He wasn't afraid to talk to anyone. The nurses would come up and tell him how handsome he was and he would eat it up. Meredith left Liam with the nurses at the station, them insisting that it would be fine.

"Come in, Meredith." Dr. Taylor said as he heard the knock on the door. The nurses had buzzed him, letting him know that she was coming.

"Hello." Meredith said as she walked over to the cushiony chair and plopped down. She was feeling the need to plop down today. She was bluer than ever. "How are you today?" Meredith asked, beating him to the punch.

"I'm good. But you, you are not." He said, knowing her well. "What is wrong?" He asked as he looked into her eyes. Meredith looked back at him, having a hard time holding it in.

"I'm fine." Meredith croaked out as she looked away. She heard him clear his throat, signaling that he knew better. "I'm not fine. Derek went back to Seattle for work. He left me here because I have to come to this damn appointment. I love Derek, but what if he doesn't come back? He did it before. And I know that Alexis is probably there trying to rip his pants down. My feet hurt. I'm tired." She said as she began to sob.

"Oh my..." He said as he looked at her. Dr. Taylor knew that he had to take the fact that she was hormonal into account.

Meredith laid her head back on the back of the chair and closed her eyes. She knew that she had just opened up a can of worms. Now she was looking crazy to him. He was probably thinking that she was falling apart once again. Meredith shook her head, wishing she could take everything she had just said back. As she opened her eyes, she looked into the doctor's. She didn't know what to think.

Dr. Taylor looked into Meredith's eyes. This was stress. This wasn't another breakdown. This was a pregnant woman reacting as expected in a stressful situation. He would never say anything to Derek unless his departure was detrimental to her recovery, but he was angry. He would have thought Derek would have gave him a heads up that he was leaving. Especially since he seemed to care so much about her mental health and recovery. Dr. Taylor spun his pen around as he waited for the right time. Meredith finally took in a deep breath and exhaled, just as he had shown her.

"Call him." Dr. Taylor said frankly, with a bit of edge to his voice. He wasn't being mean, he was being emphatic. Meredith looked up at him in shock.

"What?" She asked, not thinking she was hearing him correctly. They were in a therapy session for her. This was her time, now he wanted her to call her husband? "I can wait until I leave. It's no big deal." Meredith said, brushing it off and not doing such a good job doing so.

"It is a big deal. You were upset. You are upset. Call him." Dr. Taylor repeated as he looked into her eyes. Meredith sat there feeling like a fool. She quickly looked away, fearing that she had made a mountain out of a molehill and was not making herself appear unstable.

"I don't really know what is going on. Seattle Grace is a really busy hospital. He's probably in surgery. If he wasn't busy, he would be calling. I can't call and bother him when he is busy." She said quickly, twisting and ringing her hands nervously as she stared at the paintings on the wall.

"If you believed that, Meredith, you wouldn't have ranted. If you believed that Derek really was busy, you would accept that he has not called and wait. You still have doubt in your mind. We need to resolve this doubt. You have no reason not to call him. If he is in surgery, he won't answer. There will be no harm done. Call him." Dr. Taylor said one last time as he looked at her. Meredith clenched her jaw in defiance.

"Fine." She grumbled as she grabbed her cellphone out of her purse. She didn't like that he was right. As much as she wanted to trust Derek, she still had doubt in her mind and she hated it. "I'll call." She told him, incase he didn't absorb her fine remark. Meredith nervously dialed the phone, unsure that he would answer. She knew if it went to voicemail, she would be unable to hold it in and Dr. Taylor would see everything.

"Hello?" She heard a very tired Derek respond. She almost felt guilty the minute she heard his voice. He sounded absolutely exhausted. She had probably just woke him up from a deep slumber. "Mer..."

"Hey. I'm sorry I called-" She started. She felt sick and guilty now. Why did she let the doctor bully her into calling? Because she was in the middle of a breakdown, that was why.

"No. No... Don't be sorry, Mer. It's fine. I have been meaning to call you. It's been horrible. This case is a mess. I swear, every time I went to an on-call room to sleep, this guy coded. I have been meaning to call you. I hope you weren't worried. Then again, I know you were. I'm sorry, Mer. Hey, aren't you supposed to be at your appointment?" Derek asked as he rolled over and looked at the clock on their bedside table. He missed the house in Seattle. He had tried to fall asleep in an on-call room, but nothing compared to his bed.

"I am. Right now. I'm here." Meredith said as she looked up at the doctor. He smiled slightly, knowing that she was more at ease. He knew that they couldn't talked about anything when she was upset about it. No matter what he said, her mind wouldn't be at ease until she talked to Derek. He knew that she would have spent the whole session distracted.

"Oh. And you are calling me?" Derek asked as he sat up. He needed to be awake when he talked to her. Besides, he was at the point that when she hung up, he would fall asleep standing up if need be.

"I kinda had to. He made me." She said quickly. She winced when she looked up, seeing only a smile on his face, she relaxed and smiled too. "Well, not made me, but yeah, he did make me. I was all upset and he made me fix the problem, rather than let me be my freaked out overreactive self." Meredith explained. She heard Derek chuckle softly.

"I knew you were freaking out. I mean, I didn't, but I can well imagine. I hadn't even realized how much time had passed. I got here and went straight to Seattle Grace. The first surgery took and eternity, then he had to go back in for another repair." Derek explained as he laid back down and closed his eyes. "I will tell you more about it when I get home. You should get back to your session." Derek told her firmly, hoping she wouldn't use him as an excuse to not talk.

"Okay, okay. Hey! When are you coming home?" Meredith asked as she looked at the clock. She was hoping it was sooner rather than later.

"If he is well through the night, I will be home tomorrow evening." Derek told her with a nod." Meredith sighed and smiled. At least she knew when, even if it wasn't tonight.

"Okay. Call me. Call me when you are rested and have some free time." Meredith said with a smile on her face. "I love you."

"I love you too." Derek replied before he shut his phone. He laid his head back and closed his eyes.

"You were right." Meredith said begrudgingly as she looked up at the doctor.

"That's why I get paid the big bucks." He teased. Meredith laughed, but she knew better. He was one of the rare ones. He wasn't in it for the money. He cared.


	68. Contact

Derek walked down the hallway of Seattle Grace. It had been touch and go, but he was sure that his high profile patient would be just fine. He never thought he would be working on one of the hottest actors in all of Hollywood. Even more so, he never imagined that he and Seattle Grace would be able to keep the whole thing under wraps. Either way, it was a big case and he had managed to accomplish it.

"Hey... Are you leaving?" Izzie asked in shock as he watched Derek walk towards the exit with his bag in his hand.

"I am. I'm sure Mer is having a great time with Liam, but at the same time, I bet she is ready for some help." Derek replied with a slight chuckle. He had seen all their friends, and he was happy to touch base with them. He was, however, wishing Meredith could be there too.

"Oh, I bet. He is probably running wild these days." Izzie told him with a chuckle. "I can't wait to see him when you guys come home." She pointed out as she thought about. There wasn't a day that went by where someone didn't say that they either missed the family, or at the very least was thinking about them.

"He is doing really well. If we get him outside and play with him, he is pretty good. He just needs to burn off that excess energy he always has." Derek pointed out. "If you'll excuse me, I really have to go. I would hate to be late to the airport." Derek explained.

"Let Mer know we're thinking about her." Izzie said with a smile as she watched Derek hustle away. "All of us."

"I will. See you later, Izzie." Derek said as he continued on. Cristina walked up next to Izzie and looked over. She was actually jealous that she got to talk to Derek. Not because he was Derek, but because he was closer to Meredith than anyone, and she missed her person.

"He's leaving?" Cristina said quickly as she watched him exit the building. They both stood on the balcony and watched him disappear.

"I guess he is. I just wonder... Do you think they will ever come back? I mean, Mer seems okay there. She doesn't seem like she has to get home. I thought she would be dying to get into the OR or at the very least, to he house. But she doesn't seem to be bothered by it." Izzie said sadly.

"They will be back. Mer loves Seattle, and Derek loves ferry boats. There isn't water in Arizona. Not ferry boat water. Besides, this is their home. They built a house and life here. I think Mer is just afraid to face it here. But they will be back." Cristina said as she walked away, leaving Izzie standing there wondering.

Derek climbed into his Land Rover. He missed his car. Before everything had happened, he was considering trading it in. Now he was thinking not. He was realizing that he was happy with his car and all his old things. There was no reason to trade anything in. Not his car, his family, his wife or any of his life. Not for anyone.

Derek pulled into the garage. He missed Meredith, but he really wished he could just stay in his house and bring her back home. He was getting tired of the bright sun in Arizona. He was finally ready to admit that not only did he miss the rain, but he actually liked it. Derek shut the garage door and walked into the house, having to wait for Addison to pick him up and take him to the airport.

While waiting for Addison, Derek decided to take a walk around the house. He had mainly been sleeping there and not much else. A look into Liam's room revealed a crib. he would have to get that changed before he even brought them home. Liam would have a fit if he saw a crib in his room. As he looked at the guest room, he knew that it would make a perfect nursery for the baby that was in it's way. His heart soared as he thought about the child that was in Meredith at the moment.

Derek looked around Meredith's closet, wondering if there were any clothes that she would want to have with her in Arizona. He knew that if she wanted something she could just go buy it. He also knew that having stuff that made you comfortable was better than anything. He packed a small bag, knowing what she liked and walked downstairs. He missed this house more than he could even put into words. There were times when he hated it because their life had been falling apart, but at other times, it was a ray of hope.

"Hello?" He heard Meredith say when she answered the phone. He could think of nothing better to do than to call her as he waited.

"Hey, honey. I just wanted to let you know that I am waiting for Addie. She is taking me to the airport and my flight is supposed to be on time, so I will be home later." Derek explained as he smiled, just picturing the look on her face.

"I can't wait. Liam and I will be there to pick you up." She explained as she threw the ball across the yard and watched her toddler run after it. "I miss you. And love you, of course."

"I love you too, Mer." Derek said as he watched out the window as a car pulled into the driveway. "Addie's here. I will see you later. I love you." Derek said as he hung up the phone. As he looked out the window, he felt sick. It wasn't Addison. It was Alexis. Derek clenched his jaw. What was she doing at his house?

It wasn't that Derek didn't like Alexis. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He found her to be a very personable woman who made a good friend. The problem was that Derek knew her intentions towards him were not appropriate. That was why Derek clenched his jaw. He stood there, watching as she walked up to the front door. He sighed loudly thinking that he needed to be nice. He didn't even know why she was there.

Derek stood at the door waiting for a knock. He was sure that she could see through the frosted glass window that he was there. Their house was made to be light and airy, he was sure that his shadow was present, however, he did not care that she knew. Derek heard her petite hand knock on the door. He placed his hand on the doorknob and turned.

"Derek!" She said happily as she looked into his blue orbs. Derek didn't like it when she looked in his eyes. Maybe it was because that forced him to look into hers.

"Hey Alexis... Why are you here?" He asked nicely, yet somewhat bluntly.

"To see you, silly! I heard that you were back. I guess I had to see it for myself. I haven't heard from you in so long, I was getting worried." Alexis pointed out as she stood in the doorway. She was wondering why he wasn't inviting her in.

Derek stood his ground, not inviting her into his house. Before, when she was watching Liam, it was different. Now with Meredith feeling well, he couldn't allow her to come into their home, knowing what was on her mind. If she had anything to say to him, she could do it from right where she was standing. Alexis shifted nervously, wondering why she was getting the cold shoulder.

"So how did you know I was back?" Derek questioned. He was actually angry that she was making it a point to find out where he was. That was the only thing he could figure. She was a stalker, he was sure of it. "It's not like you work at the hospital."

"Our super told me. I went to pay my rent, and he had mentioned that you told him to use the last month's rent. I didn't know that you were planning on moving out." She explained. Derek felt somewhat guilty. It wasn't as if she had stalked him, it just fell into her lap, innocently enough.

"Of course I am moving out." Derek said with a nod. "I actually packed up all of my personal items and I am leaving the apartment furnished. I don't plan on returning. In fact Marvin said he had someone who wanted to move in as soon as possible." He told her with a smile.

"Oh. I didn't realize- So you are coming back here?" She questioned as she looked around the house, searching for hidden clues as to what was going on in his world.

"Yes. I'm going back to Arizona, but Meredith and I will be returning to Seattle and this house. This is my house. And Meredith is my wife- Well, ex, but I'm asking her again. We will be married. She is my wife, she is my family. She is all I have ever needed and I can't give that up. I am the one that made mistakes and I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make her happy for the rest of her life." Derek said boldly. He was proud of his truthful little speech. He was also hoping that she got it through her head. Alexis went to speak and stopped when she heard the sound of crushing rock. Derek looked up to see Addison's Astin Martin pulling up to the house. The woman always had perfect timing.

"That's Addison." Derek pointed out as he backed up and grabbed the bags he had placed by the door. "Hey, Addie."

"I'm sorry I'm late. Horrible day. Anyhow, I am here now!" She said as she walked up and looked at Alexis in confusion. "And you are?" She asked boldly, not even giving Derek a chance to respond.

"Addison, this is Alexis. Alexis, Addison." He said as he pointed. The woman smiled faintly, Addison not as much as she quickly realized who this woman was.

"Nice to meet you." Alexis said warmly. Addison gave her a knowing look and watched as she backed down, not wanted to fight.

"Yeah." Addison said as she looked into the woman's eyes. "We should get going, Derek. I know it's a fat chance, but they may actually be on time." She teased as she looked at her watch. "Not to mention, you need to get home to your pregnant wife."

Addison watched her reaction. It was just the one that she was hoping to see. Alexis's face was full of shock and hurt. Addison didn't want to be cruel, but then again she hated her by proxy. She knew that the woman was after her good friend's husband. Meredith and Derek may have had bad problems in the past, but once they decided to work on it, that meant no one should be looking at Derek.

"Preg- Pregnant?" Alexis asked in shock. Derek looked at her, seeing that she was definitely hurt by the news. Addison smirked, wondering if this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Hopefully it would make her realize it was over.

"Yes. She is still in her first trimester, but she is doing great." Addison pointed out. "Did you guys tell Liam yet?" She asked as they grabbed bags. Alexis still remained in silence.

"No. We are waiting until she gets a little bigger. I'd like him to see the 3-D ultrasound." Derek explained. They both worked around Alexis as if she didn't exist.

"I think- I need to go. I will see you later." Alexis said as she rushed out, not even waiting for them to say a word to her. Addison and Derek watched as she got in her car and pulled away.

"That was easy. All you have to do is say the right thing." Addison pointed out. "And Meredith is your priority," She added. Derek agreed, she was right.

Meredith was anxiously awaiting Derek's return. She had taken care of Liam on her own before but she was quickly realizing that it took two to do a good job. She was taking care of Liam just fine on her own, but he wasn't getting anything extra done. There didn't seem to be enough time in the day to get everything done that she needed to.

"Okay, Liam, are you ready to get dad?" Meredith asked as she grabbed his tiny shoes. Liam's face lit up so bright Meredith nearly had to cover her eyes.

"Da?" Liam asked, making sure that he had heard her correctly. Meredith smiled as she looked at her tiny son, a spitting image of his father.

"Yes, Dad is coming on the plane today. Remember? Me and you played with the cars and planes earlier. Dad is coming on a real one. Dad is in the sky right now. He's up there looking down at us. Next thing you know, he is going to jump off the plane and run to give you a hug!" Meredith explained as she tied his shoes.

"Yeah!" He said with a big smile as he looked into his mom's eyes. As soon as she had his laces tied, he was off and running for the door. That was one stressor she could do without, he was always running to and from things.

"Wait a second. You need to go potty before we go." She told him as she stood there, waiting for him to come over. "Did you already potty in your pants?" She asked softly, knowing he occasionally had accidents, especially when he was excited.

"No!" He said loudly as he gave her a dirty look. She could immediately tell that he was offended that she had even said that.

"Okay, well you still need to go. Come on. You go and then we will pick up dad." Meredith said quickly as she stood by the half bathroom door and waited.

"No. No. No. Da now!" Liam said as he fumbled with the door handle to the garage. Meredith clenched her jaw at his defiance.

"Liam! Potty now and then dad. We have a long ride and you need to go." Meredith said softly as she walked over to him. Liam looked up at her and pulled his hand away as she went to grab it. "Come on, Buddy. I know you have to go. I know you do."

"No. Go now." He said as he stomped his feet and started to whine. Meredith stood there looking down at him. She wasn't sure what to do. She knew she couldn't make him go to the bathroom. He was a small child and she had no way to know if he really had to go or not. She didn't want to inflate the situation if it wasn't necessary.

"Okay, we'll go." Meredith said submissively as she grabbed him, his bag and her purse. Meredith placed Liam in the car seat and handed him a little container full of fruit puffs. He smiled as he placed one in his mouth. As she looked at him, she wondered if it was a choking hazard for him to eat while she drove. "Liam we'll save these for the airport, okay?"

"No!" He said as he held them tightly. Meredith felt her pulse race as she thought about Liam in the backseat while she was driving, choking on his food.

"Liam, we can't eat in the car. You could choke and die. I know you don't know what die means, but it's no good. You need to give those to mom." She told him as she went to grab them away.

"No!" He shouted as he ripped them away. "No. Me keep." He spat as he glared at her. Meredith wanted to cry as she looked at the evil glare her son was shooting in her direction. Meredith clenched her jaw for the millionth time that day and took one of the puffs from the container as he tried to keep them away from her.

"Fine." She muttered to herself as she felt the puff easily melt away on her tongue. She was sure that he wouldn't choke in it. "You can keep them." She told him as she shut the door.

Meredith felt like a failure as a mother as she drove along. Liam was sitting happily in the backseat looking around and eating his snack. She was so unsure of herself. Was he getting away with everything? Was he going to be a horrible child because his mother let him get away with everything? Meredith felt the tears sting her eyes. She was a failure and she had another child on the way. Meredith was just starting to relax when she heard him begin to cry.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked as she looked back. His face was red and he looked as if it was the end of the world. "Liam! What is wrong?" She asked again.

"Potty..." He got out as he sobbed. Meredith's heart sank. He did have to go to the bathroom just as she thought. Now he was humiliated.

"It's okay, buddy. I will change you when we get there. Don't cry. You didn't do anything wrong." She explained as she looked into his eyes. He sniffled softly as he covered his face.

Meredith changed Liam as quickly as she could. It seemed everything was slow and she had no idea how to catch up. Derek's flight should have already arrived and she was late to pick him up. She quickly grabbed Liam and his bag, along with her purse and rushed through security as Liam screamed about wanting his father. She ignored the dirty looks from people as she pressed on, knowing she had to get there as quickly as possible. Meredith ran up to the gate and smiled immediately. Somehow everything seemed like it would be okay at the sight of him.

"Da!" Liam shouted as he tried to jump out of her arms. Derek quickly scooped him up and gave him a huge hug and kiss.

"Welcome home." Meredith said softly. "Thank God you are..."


	69. Togetherness

Derek looked at the soft moonlight covering Meredith's body. He could see her baby bump poking through her light pajama pants and shirt. It was a warm night, and it seemed that Meredith was even warmer with the extra weight and the fact that she was sharing her body with another human being.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as she rolled towards him. Derek felt his cock begin to rise as her soft breast pressed against her shirt and almost popped out.

Derek almost felt guilty as he looked at her. She had a long day and all he could think about was using her for sex. It wasn't really using her, at least not in his mind. he wanted to make love to her. He wanted to share all the feelings that he was feeling with her. He sighed as he laid his head back and began to roll over. He wouldn't wake her for sex.

"Are you awake?" Meredith asked as she draped her arm over his side and began stroking his chest lovingly.

"Yes." Derek said suggestively. He just couldn't help it. He wanted her and he needed her more than she could even imagine. "Are you?"

"Of course I am." Meredith giggled, thinking it was stupid for him to even ask such a question when she asked him first. "I wouldn't have asked you first." She muttered as she felt him roll towards her and onto his back.

"Ah, yes. I suppose you are right." Derek agreed as she gave her a smile, his white teeth shining brightly. "Why are you awake? You should be sound asleep." He pointed out as he stroked her arm and kissed her gently on the cheek.

"I'm not tired. I mean, I was. That is until it woke me up." Meredith explained as she looked up into his dark eyes. "Not the baby." She pointed out quickly wanting him to know that he hadn't missed anything as far as that was concerned.

"Okay. So if it wasn't the baby, then what was it?" Derek questioned as his eyebrows went up and his face turned more confused than ever.

"That would be my sex drive." Meredith told him as a smirk covered her face. "I don't know. I don't think it was this bad with Liam. I swear, I was sound asleep, feeling good and that was it. I was dripping wet and all I could think about was you." Meredith admitted as she rolled against him and batted her eyelashes.

"Honey, you know that you don't have to beat around the bush." They both chuckled lightly. "No pun intended." He added with a smirk. "I'll give you whatever it is that you need." He explained as he began to roll over on top of her.

"Well, I definitely need something." Meredith giggled as she felt Derek's five o'clock shadow tickling her her neck as he kissed her softly. "And that is definitely a start." She added as she felt his tongue tickling her flesh.

"You taste sweet, honey." Derek moaned as he nibbled her ear. "So what would you like?" He questioned as he reached down with his free hand and began to lift her tank top.

"Hmm... I think- I think I would like to suck your cock." Meredith admitted. Derek looked at her with wide eyes. He assumed that she wanted pleasure, not that she wanted to give him pleasure.

"I think that could be done... But not without you receiving something in return." He told her frankly as he leaned up and began to strip himself off his clothes, Meredith following the same protocol.

Meredith watched as Derek rolled onto his back, motioning for her to straddle him and get into position. Meredith laid over him and sucked strongly on Derek's rock hard cock with ease, holding the base as tightly in one hand as she attempted to keep her balance. He tasted clean and salty, his usual scent. Meredith felt her pussy getting creamy as she ran her tongue around his velvety head.

"That's nice, honey." Derek pointed out as he spread her legs with ease, seeing her creamy white core in front of his face. The sweet scent coming off of her only made his cock twitch harder. "Suck me harder, baby..." Derek breathed in sharply as she obeyed.

Derek ran his tongue over her wet lips, one after the other. He loved the way her creamy fluid tasted on his palate, so perfect and so right. He felt her suction increase as he slicked her clit with his tongue, feeling her pussy tense up at the intense feelings that were overtaking him. Derek gently nibbled on her, feeling her cum dripping down slightly, beading up around her mink soft hair.

Derek's cock was soft skin over hard meat as it took residence in Meredith's mouth. She scraped it up and down with lip covered teeth as fast as she could, her head bobbing and her eyes closed. His thick cock bounced off the back of her throat with each bob. Derek let out mews as he felt himself ready to blow his load in her mouth.

Derek's dark blue eyes began to roll back in his head with pleasure as he felt himself ready to blow. His cum churned in his balls.

Meredith gasped and snorted as she felt him tasting her folds. She could feel Derek's fingers playing so methodically with her twat as he continued to lick and suck with his perfect tongue. Meredith was having a harder and harder time doing her job as she felt herself ready to flood his mouth with the sweet juices of her pussy.

"Meredith... I'm cumming, baby. You have to... stop. Unless you want me to-" Derek lost it as he thrust his hips into her mouth and frantically worked her pussy over. Meredith gasped loudly as she felt her own walls crashing down.

Derek shot his white sticky load into her mouth once, twice, three times, while she gulped his juices greedily, satisfied that he'd came inside of her. Meredith gasped and panted as the last of his load was down her throat. She could feel Derek sucking her own sweet cum from her with contentment. Meredith laid on his cock as her body pulsated. That was just what she needed.

"I feel like a cow. No, a manatee. I feel like a manatee." Meredith groaned as her inflated abdomen pressed against Derek's flat one.

"Honey, you are no manatee." Derek reassured her as he kissed her inner thigh softly. "I find you incredibly sexy. In fact, there is something about knowing that my child is inside of you that drives me insane." Derek admitted as he laid yet another kiss down on her. "When you were pregnant with Liam, I swear I had a permanent hard on." He explained, feeling her giggle lightly.

"Well, I don't see what me being bloated and twice my size does for you. In fact, I would assume that it is a complete turnoff." She sighed as she nestled her head against him.

"Oh honey, believe me, it is. I think it's because I know I did that. It was all me. You too, but my guys went in there and searched you out. I did that. How can I not find that amazing? It's so...powerful." He explained as he rubbed the back of her thighs. He was sure that she was sore. When she was pregnant with Liam, her legs always ached, even when she wouldn't admit it.

"Okay... Aren't we full of secret feelings." She said with a giggle as she lazily climbed off of him. She slowly crawled up to him and cuddled into his side. Being nude was nothing to them. It was so natural, as if that was the only way they knew how to live. Both could tell you every inch of each other's bodies.

"Yes, we are." He said smartly as he ran his fingers through her hair. Meredith felt his short nails run over her scalp, scratching lightly. Meredith let out a sigh as her whole body relaxed.

"This feels so perfect." Meredith told him with a nod as she looked into his eyes. Derek cocked his head and nodded in agreement. In his mind, it really was perfect.

"It's just so...right."

"It is." Derek moaned as he kissed her temple one, two, three times. "You know..." He started. He wasn't sure how or when to say it, but part of him just wanted to blab it out. He wanted to scream it loudly. He wanted to hold her in joy after she agreed. "Meredith..." He started as he leaned over to the bedside table. He opened it up and pulled out a box. "Meredith Elizabeth Grey... Will you marry me... Again?" He asked as he opened the box and looked into her light green eyes. He could swear they were sparkling brighter than ever with the depth of the clearest cut diamond.

"Derek!" Meredith said in shock as she looked at the huge ring. She looked at him, waiting for confirmation that he had really said it. She couldn't believe that he was asking her. It was something that she had just forgotten, feeling that they never got divorced.

"Yes... No?" He asked as he began to worry. She seemed excited, but at the same time, she wasn't answering him. All he could imagine was her pointing out all the reasons that they got divorced. He was terrified that even now, she still didn't trust him to not hurt her again. "Mer?"

"Yes, Derek! Yes..." She trailed off as she looked at the ring. Something about it didn't seem right. Just as Derek started to remove it from the box, she pulled it from his hand. She took one last look at it before she she shut it and looked up.

"You don't like it..." He said with disappointment as he swallowed hard. He had tried so hard to get her what he thought she would want.

"I do." Meredith muttered as she handed it back to him. Derek watched as she stood up. His mouth dropped as he watched as her naturally beautiful body strode across the room. The soft moonlight bounced off of her skin, shimmering lightly. Meredith sweat covered hair stayed against her skin, proving to him that the orgasm he had given her was more than sufficient.

"What are you doing?" Derek asked as he watched her get into the closet and fish around in a bag.

"Getting this." She said as she grabbed something and walked towards him. Derek gave her a puzzled look as she climbed back into bed with him. Finally she held out her left hand and showed him her original wedding band and engagement ring. "This is the one I want." She told him as she held it up, glinting in the moonlight. "In here..." She said as she pointed to her heart. "In here, we were always married. I don't want another ring. I don't want a big wedding. Let's go to city hall and make it official once again. But we were always married, Derek. I hope you feel that too."

"Of course I do." Derek agreed as he looked at her. "I never felt apart from you. Even when we weren't together... We were always somehow together." He pointed out as he reached in the table. Derek grabbed his old wedding band and placed it on. Meredith smiled as he clutched her hand in his. They would always be together. All they needed was each other. Meredith, Derek and their two children.

--

It was a simple day. Derek and Meredith got up early and headed to city hall. Derek offered to give her the wedding of the century, but she explained to him that she already had the wedding of the century. In her mind, the first wedding in Italy was all that she would ever need. If she needed to think back to that perfect day, she could. She would never forget all of her friends in that perfect location on the best day of her life.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked as he rubbed her hand. Meredith smiled slightly as she looked around.

Meredith sat back on the park bench and watched as Liam climbed on the tiny playground equipment. The day was perfect, not to hot, the sun shining lightly on Meredith's skin. She hated getting over heated, seeing as her body temperature always seemed to be too warm. She was sure that Liam would tire himself out today because it wasn't hot and he could play all day. And Meredith and Derek had all day.

"About the wedding. Our first wedding." Meredith clarified as she looked over. "It was more than perfect." She explained.

"You know I will never be happy with what we had today. That was not a wedding. That was signing papers." Derek pointed out.

Derek wanted Meredith to have everything she ever wanted. He was actually surprised that she stuck to her guns and refused to have a wedding with their family and friends. In Derek's mind, he felt that she got cheated. He was happy that they were now legally remarried, but it didn't feel official without the walk down the aisle, Meredith in the beautiful dress. Derek had really been hoping that Liam could have been the ring bearer.

"It was a wedding. Derek, I've been married twice now. I don't need another wedding. I married John, and I married you. They were both great, and beautiful and all of that. Besides, the last thing I want is Liam wondering why mom and dad are getting married. He had no idea what that was today." She explained as she watched Liam intently as he climbed around, the soft footing below ready to catch him if he fell.

"No, he had no idea. So are we planning to never tell him we got divorced?" Derek asked, a little surprised that it was her stance. Meredith had always talked about honesty and this was not going along with it.

"No, of course not!" Meredith said as she tugged on her maternity shirt, feeling it creeping up slowly. "I don't know why I wore this thing. It's horrible." Derek gave her a funny look as she complained. "Anyway, I don't think it's something we bring up unless he asks. I don't want him to think we got divorced because of him. And I don't want the baby to think we only got remarried because he or she was on the way." She explained.

Derek nodded in agreement. He had a good family life. Liam may not have had it perfect so far, but he would. Derek knew that he and Meredith loved each other so much that Liam would never question anything. He couldn't imagine how their children would feel if they thought that their parents were only together because of them. It would be a horrible burden to bear and he didn't want them to have to.

"That is true." Derek told her with a nod. "I would hate the feeling that they thought they were to blame for any of this."

"Agreed." Meredith said quickly as Liam came running towards them, full speed ahead.

"Ma! Da! Pay with me." Liam asked as he jumped into his dad's lap, his bright blue eyes shining and his short hair sticking everywhere.

"Hmm... I don't think mom and dad could fit on those. We'd have to go to the big kid's playground." Meredith explained as she rubbed her hand through his hair. Whenever either of them were upset, it seemed to help when she did that.

"Pay there." He explained quickly. Meredith shook her head. Her son was way too smart and that was definitely going to be a problem down the road.

"I think we need to get something to eat first." She said as she looked up at Derek. Derek looked up at her and nodded. "And something halfway healthy if you can find it on that cart." Meredith added as she pointed across the grass.

"Cart food. Definitely healthy." Derek chuckled as he rose to his feet. Meredith watched as Derek walked over and paid, holding Liam's hand as they went. They looked like the perfect pair. "Okay..." Derek said upon return. "Maybe not so healthy, but I did buy an apple." He told her as he held it out. "Corn dogs."

"For some odd reason, that sounds good." She told him as she accepted one and held it in her hand, Derek showing Liam how to do the same. "Any cheese?" She asked, hoping there was some.

"Of course. I know you well." He told her as he handed her the cup of cheese. Liam watched as she dunked it in and quickly did the same.

"Oh no, son! We use ketchup." He teased. Liam looked up at him and then dunked his cheese covered corn dog into the ketchup. Meredith and Derek both started laughing at the sight.

"I love you." Meredith said to Liam and then to Derek as she looked up at him.

"I love you too." Derek agreed as he leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the lips.

"Lub." Liam giggled as he took a bite, getting cheese and ketchup all over him. Meredith and Derek had to laugh. They were both thinking the same thing. Liam was just like his mom... A mess.


	70. Not Going

Meredith laid back on the sofa and rubbed her stomach. In her mind, she was huge. Derek kept insisting that she looked amazing, but she wasn't having it. She wasn't that big, but every morning she would roll out of bed for dramatic effect. Derek would just shake his head and laugh at her. He knew she had to be uncomfortable carrying a human around inside her, but he also knew she was playing it up for him.

"How are you feeling, baby?" Derek asked as he rushed in the back door with Liam. Meredith sighed as she heard Liam squeal and then run towards her. She could hear his tiny quick footsteps on the floor.

"Good." Meredith said as she laid her arm over her face and sighed loudly. She waited for the inevitable plop that Liam would do on her belly.

"Ma!" Liam screamed as he ran into the living room and launched himself onto her. Meredith grunted as she felt his full weight on her stomach.

"Liam!" Derek shouted. Liam looked up at him with wide eyes and a startled face. "Don't do that. You can't pounce on mom." Derek explained as he walked up and picked Liam up off of Meredith.

"No!" Liam whined as he pulled him off and sat him on the floor. "No! See mom!" He cried as he sat down on the rug and covered his face, letting the tears flow out.

"You have to be careful with mom." Derek explained as he bent down next to Liam and Meredith. "Come here, Liam." Derek said as he patted his leg. Liam let out another whimper before he picked himself up and walked over to his father's knee. "You have to be careful with mom." Derek repeated as he lifted Meredith's shirt gently.

"Cawful?" Liam asked as he cocked his head and looked at his dad and then at his mom's swollen abdomen.

"Yes, careful. Mommy has a baby in her belly. See, you're going to be a big brother. Mommy has either a brother or a sister in her belly." Derek explained as he pointed to Meredith's swollen abdomen.

"You are going to be a big brother!" Meredith said with a ton of enthusiasm. "Isn't that exciting?" Meredith asked as she looked into his bright blue eyes.

"Baaaby." Liam said with wide eyes as he placed his hand on her stomach and rubbed gently. "Cawful...Baby." He repeated as he rubbed her again and looked up.

"Do you think he understands?" Meredith asked as she looked up at Derek. Her biggest worry was that Liam would get jealous of his new sibling when it came time for his or her arrival.

"I think he gets it to an extent." Derek told her frankly. "I'm sure he doesn't get it completely, but at least now he knows he has to be careful around you. The last thing you need is Mr. Heavyweight jumping on you." Derek chuckled as Liam continued to rub her abdomen.

"Don't call him that!" Meredith said as she giggled loudly. "He is not a heavyweight. He is healthy, right in the parameters. Not to mention, if he gets sick, he will feel so much better having the extra weight to lose." She explained, not seeing a problem with her chubby little boy.

"That's true." Derek agreed as he looked at his son. "I just want him to be healthy, you know? I don't want him to end up in a bad way, right under our noses." He explained as he rubbed Liam's head.

"He's asleep." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at Liam's head on her stomach. He was still standing up but he was resting on her. "Why don't you take him to his bed?" She suggested as she rubbed Liam's soft hair and looked up at Derek.

"That's a good idea. Quite honestly, I think I need a nap too. I swear, the older he gets, the rougher he plays. He is tiring me out, not the other way around. I'm starting to think I might be an old man!" Derek said with a chuckle as he shook his head. He gently lifted Liam up and kissed him on the head. Meredith watched as he carried his son down the hallway and to his bed. Derek laid Liam down and pulled his shoes off. "Have a good nap." Derek told Liam as he leaned down and kissed his little cheek.

"He really was tired." Meredith pointed out as Derek ambled back into the living room. She knew he was going to take a nap in his favorite chair.

"He was." Derek agreed. "Do you need a drink or something. You know what? I'm just going to get you one. Maybe some juice." He muttered as he walked away, knowing he had to take care of her. Just as Derek began to walk into the living room, juice in hand, he heard the doorbell ring.

"Do you want to get that?" Meredith mumbled sleepily. "I can if I need to." She added as she yawned.

"No. You stay there. It's probably a delivery." Derek explained as he sat her juice down and made his way over to the front door. As he walked up, he say two figures standing in the doorway behind the glass. As he opened the door, he looked up in shock.

"Hello!" They said happily. Derek looked at them with wide eyes. Visitors.

"Izzie! George!" Derek said in shock as he stood there and looked at his former interns and his current friends. "You're here..." He said in shock.

Derek knew that this would really lift Meredith's spirits. He knew that Meredith needed to be in touch with the people in her past. Derek felt guilty that she had dragged her away from everything she knew. At the same time, Derek knew that back then he had no choice. Meredith was so far from reality that he wasn't sure she would have ever returned. There were no words to explain how happy he was that she was okay.

"Of course we are here! You have no idea how hard it was for us to get off a few days, but we did it." Izzie said happily. "Bailey was complaining and it isn't even her problem!" Izzie added with a nod.

"Treasure Bailey. You have no idea how much Mer and I miss her..." Derek added as he glanced over his shoulder. He caught a glimpse of Meredith climbing off the sofa.

"Oh my God!" Meredith shouted as she quickly waddled across the red-orange terra cotta tile floor that was in their entrance. She loved the way the cold tile felt against her aching hot feet. She would actually get up in the middle of the night just to stand there with a pint of ice cream. "You're here! You're actually here! I missed you guys!" She said as she hurried to Izzie and George.

"Oh my God, Mer!" George said in shock as he looked at her. He didn't say another word as he felt her in his and Izzie's arms. Derek looked at them all and smiled, he knew this is what she needed.

George and Izzie wrapped Meredith in their arms as they had a group hug. They had been the best of friends, mostly because they had suffered through the first year internship at Seattle Grace. George had long since gotten over his little crush that he had grown for Meredith. Izzie felt secret pain as she felt her hand hit Meredith's swollen abdomen. Meredith was pregnant and she hadn't even told any of them. It was like she had grown away from everyone she loved, except Derek.

"You're pregnant!" Izzie finally said, stating the elephant in the room. "You are... You're actually pregnant. And you didn't tell anyone..." She finally added. Izzie never had been good at holding her feelings in and this was a stressful time. She had been worried that Meredith would be funny with them since the tragedy, now it was something different.

"I am." Meredith said as she rubbed her five and a half month baby bump. "I'm sorry, it wasn't like I was hiding it." Meredith sighed as she looked at them, seeing the hurt in their eyes.

"We just- We were worried if we told everyone, you guys would all feel that you had to come. I guess it doesn't make a ton of sense now, but we didn't want you to feel obligated." Derek chimed in as he put his arm around the small of Meredith's back.

"We were going to tell you. It's just... I guess we are in our own little world here." Meredith admitted. It was like a different place, so disconnected from everything they knew. At the same time, she loved having time with Derek. Alone time to really reconnect was exactly what they had needed.

"It's okay, Mer. You don't have to explain. We were just shocked, that's all." George said with a smile as he looked at her stomach. "Is there anything else we need to know?" He teased, expecting her to say no.

"Well..." She started as she raised her brow and pulled her hand out. "We got remarried."

"What-" Izzie started. Now she was getting upset. Maybe she and Meredith weren't the best of friends, but at the same time, she at least expected Meredith to tell her person. She couldn't believe Meredith hadn't told Cristina.

"Before you panic, it was nothing. I mean, it was something, but I wasn't what you think." Meredith started as she looked Izzie in the eyes. She loved her friends, but at the same time, she really missed Cristina. She felt a pang of hurt at the absence of her friend.

"It was just some paperwork at City Hall." Derek told them with a nod. "I offered to give her the biggest wedding in history. She wouldn't accept. She said the first one was grand enough. I would have told you but she wanted it to be just another day." He told them both.

"I was married. Twice. Two huge weddings. All this was, was fixing my huge mistake." Meredith admitted sadly as she looked Izzie in the eyes and felt sad. Izzie was one of the people that was trying to convince her that she should think about the divorce. "So... Where are your bags?" Meredith asked as she looked around, seeing only a purse in Izzie's hand and a bag of something in George's. "You guys pack light..."

"We're staying in a hotel." Izzie said simply. She hadn't wanted to intrude, especially with their visit being a surprise.

"Nonsense. You're staying here. Derek, help George get teh bags." Meredith said with a big nod as she drew in a breath. George handed her the bag. "Don't even say no. You guys are staying here. What is this?" Meredith asked as she looked at them.

"Your favorite chocolate." George pointed out with a smile. Meredith's face grew as she opened the bag. She had been craving it.

"Oh my God, thank you! You are definitely staying. No arguing!" She said as she shooed Derek and George out the door. She was happy. Now it felt like home.

"So where is the little man?" Izzie asked. She hadn't seen Liam in far too long. She couldn't wait to see if he still had his pudgy little cheeks and bright blue eyes.

"He is taking a much needed nap." Meredith explained as she rubbed her stomach and took a huge bite of her chocolate. "Thank you so much for the chocolate. I have been wanting it for so long. I knew if I told Derek, he would kill himself trying to get me some. You just have no idea... The cravings are unbelievable." She told her with a nod as she tasted the smooth chocolate on her tongue loving every minute of it.

"I still can't believe it." Izzie muttered as she reached for Meredith's stomach. Meredith didn't like it when people put their hands on her, but when it was her friends, it was much more tolerable. "How far along are you?" She asked softly, feeling like she had already missed out on so much.

"Ten weeks." Meredith groaned as she rubbed her stomach. "I should not be this big!" She pointed out as she shook her head in disgust and took another bite of chocolate. "So... Cristina..." Meredith said softly. She didn't want to act like it was a big deal, but the truth was, her feelings were hurt. She couldn't believe that her person didn't come along too.

"The hospital has been insane. I'm sure she would have come if she could. She has been working a lot with Hahn and she is just trying to be the best she can be. You know Cristina. She could have liked to be here." Izzie told her reassuringly. Meredith stood there and nodded her head. She knew better. She was sure that Cristina had animosity towards her because she left Seattle. She also knew that Cristina tended to be selfish and she was probably getting all the best surgeries by being there, two interns down.

"So where do you want the bags?" George asked as he looked around, Derek walking in quickly behind him.

"In the guest room. Third door on the left down that hallway. There are two beds in there. I hope you guys don't mind sharing a room. We don't have the luxury of the old house." He pointed out. Their house in Arizona was nice, but it would never be their home.

"Yeah, well, look at the size difference." George told him frankly as he trucked down the hallway, carrying the heavy bags. "It's a nice house, though. And I don't think Iz and I will have any trouble sharing this room." He pointed out as he looked around the large guest room with it's two twin sized beds.

"We just- You guys couldn't stay in a hotel. Mer is going to want to spend every second together while you are here. She has been so lonely. You have no idea. She is happy, but I think she is just aimless at the moment." Derek pointed out with a frown, wondering why they couldn't just catch a break.

"I can imagine. It's like- Everything has changed for her. We all miss her so much." George told him with a sigh as he looked around the room. It didn't really matter where he was staying. He was happier being around his friends and he wanted to spend as much time with Meredith and Derek as possible. "Man, it is hot here. How can you guys stand it?"

"We stay in a lot. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that. we go out and play with Liam. Let's just say, air conditioning is the best thing on earth." Derek told him as they walked out of the room. Liam's door was partially shut. As much as he wanted to wake his son up and let him see everyone, he knew it would be disastrous. Liam was terrible when he was tired, especially around strangers.

"So... Derek was going to cook, but I think this would be a great day to go out to eat." Meredith suggested as Derek and George walked back into the kitchen area of the house. Meredith knew that Liam could be a challenge in a restaurant, but at the same time he was getting much better. They learned that he had to be entertained with toys or crayons. If he had those, he was a happy camper.

"Oh, you don't have to do that!" Izzie said quickly as she looked around. "I would be more than willing to help cook, that way you could rest. I'm sure that going out would just be a pain." She told them with a nod. Meredith looked at her and sighed, she was probably right, but at the same time, a guest didn't come to serve.

"You don't have to do that, Iz. It doesn't matter to me either way. Eat out, eat at home. As long as I get some food in my belly, I'm good. This baby is always hunger." She pointed out She looked up at Derek, waiting for his reaction. "Yes, Derek, it is the baby!" She said with a giggle. She had been blaming all of her overeating on the baby.

"Yes, dear. I know. That baby is just- Starving. Starving all of the time." Derek teased as he pulled her close and kissed her cheek. "Okay, I say we make tacos. I am in the mood for tacos. We'll get a sitter and go out to a nice dinner tomorrow. Right now, I want mexican food." Derek said with a nod, seeing what everyone else wanted.

"Sounds great!" Izzie and George agree simultaneously.

"Good. I think we have everything we need." He pointed out as he went through the refrigerator, looking at it's contents. Just as he looked up, he saw his sleepy boy rubbing his eyes in the doorway. He looked around at everyone and panicked.

"Ma!" He shouted as he ran to her and insisted she pick him up. Meredith let out a grunt as she bent down and picked him up. He cried as he buried his head and hid from the strangers. Meredith and Derek looked around. It looked like Liam needed socialized.

"Hey, buddy." Derek said happily as he rushed over to his wife's side. He didn't like that Meredith was holding Liam. It wasn't a problem with coddling, it was a problem with Liam being to heavy for Meredith to hold. "Did you have a good nap?" He asked, looking at his son's grumpy face. "Just a warning, he wakes up like Meredith." Derek warned as he kissed Liam's head and decided to back off.

"Grumpy." Izzie and George added right away. Meredith looked at them both with a shocked face.

"I don't wake up grumpy." Meredith muttered with a furrowed brow. "Leelee..." Meredith whispered into his hair and kissed him gently. "This is Izzie and George. Don't you remember them?" Meredith asked sadly. "From the big house. Remember the big house? The one with the water." Meredith told him. "And the boats." She added. It wasn't that he knew, it was that they told him about it so much it had been a fantasy, like a book.

"Boats." Liam said quickly, having heard his father tell him stories that included ferry boats.

"Yep. Do you remember them?" She asked as she looked at him. "Izzie and George ride those boats all of time time. They love boats." Meredith told him as she pointed to Izzie and George.

Liam was silent as he studied George and Izzie. Neither of them wanted to pressure the boy, knowing that sometimes that had the opposite effect. Instead, they stood there nonchalantly, showing him that they were going to pressure him to look or play with them. Liam looked at them for awhile and then began to smile. He has sized them up and liked what he saw.

"Play?" Liam asked as he wiggled in Meredith's arms. Meredith sat him down on the floor. Meredith smiled as she heard him pronounce the "l" in the word play. "Play." Liam said again, as he grabbed George's hand and walked him away.

"I guess I've been chosen." George said as he disappeared into the play room.

"Poor George. He thinks we won something. He won a vacation of trucks and bulldozers and Liam ramming them into him." Derek told Izzie with a chuckle. "He can be rough. You just need to tell him when you don't want to do it anymore. He never stops." Derek told her as he put the meat in the pan.

"It's my fault." Meredith told Izzie with a smile. "I babied him. I had nothing better to do."

"It happens. Just wait until the next baby comes." Izzie said with a smile as she grabbed Meredith's stomach gently. "Boy or girl? Do we know yet?"

"We don't know, and we won't. Derek doesn't want to know. I kind of agree. We'll just make a neutral colored nursery. And then if it's a girl, she will be wearing Liam's boy clothes for a few days." Meredith teased. "Actually, almost all of Liam's onsies were unisex and said cute stuff on them. My mom is packing that stuff up to send here." Meredith told Izzie with a smile. "I'm not going to have a naked baby." She told her, as if they wouldn't have anything if Ellis didn't send something.

"So... Wow. I guess I didn't realize." Izzie muttered under her breath as she grabbed the lettuce and began chopping angrily. Meredith and Derek looked at her in shock. She was either angry, or really good at her work.

"Realize what?" Meredith finally said as she looked at her friend. Izzie looked ready to cry, or hit someone.

"That... Nothing." Izzie said, not wanting to lose it. She wasn't even sure why she was so upset. She wasn't Meredith's best friend. Cristina was her person. Cristina was the one that that should be upset.

"Izzie, are you okay?" Derek finally asked, not wanting there to be any tension especially since Liam was seeming extra sensitive today.

"I'm fine. I just didn't realize- I didn't You're not coming back." She said as she dropped the knife and began to sob. "I thought- I thought-" She said as she covered her face. Meredith looked at her in shock and then wrapped her arms around her.

"Izzie... Calm down. We are. We are coming back. Probably not before the baby is born. But we will come back." Meredith told her as she rubbed her back and then her own stomach.

"You're our family. We want to see the baby born, Mer. You are family. I don't understand how you can be here. How can you live here with no one around? Don't you miss us?" Izzie asked as tears ran down her cheeks.

"Oh, Iz." Meredith said, on the verge of tears herself.

"Mer needs to keep going to her sessions. Once those are over, we can come home." Derek told Izzie, feeling bad, but more concerned for his wife's mental health than Izzie's sadness. Derek looked at Izzie and then at Meredith. They didn't have to speak for him to read her mind. She wanted to go home to have the baby. Meredith wanted her child born at Seattle Grace. He just wondered what he could do about it.


	71. Plane Ride

It was amazing to Meredith and Derek how much their house in Arizona didn't matter to them. They lived there and that was the extent of it. The house in Seattle was dear. The house in Seattle was planned from the timber, to the floorboards to the tiny brass hooks by their garage entrance. Even if they hardest times they ever lived, there were still amazing memories that had been made, and many more to come.

"We didn't accumulate much." Meredith admitted as she looked around. The truth was, most of the stuff that they had gotten, she could have left behind.

"I guess we didn't." Derek agreed as he looked at the few boxed she had packed. Most of their things was clothing. The house was furnished when Derek got it and neither had done anything to the interior decorating. "That's what happens when you live day by day." Derek pointed out with sigh.

"We should actually be proud of ourselves." Meredith boasted with a smile. "We have been really good. We haven't bought anything unnecessary and Liam hasn't been lavished with toys." She explained as she looked at her watch and then around the house. "Thank you." She whispered as she kissed his cheek softly.

"For?" Derek teased as he looked her in the eyes. He gently placed a hand on either side of her face and held her close. Her huge swollen abdomen was pressing against his body. She was getting close, but they still had more than a month to go. She was so big, Derek was sure she would explode. He would never tell that to her, of course.

"Maybe that you for pulling some strings. Getting us out of therapy. Well, not out..." Meredith muttered, knowing that she was going to be going for a long time.

Derek had talked to Dr. Taylor. As Derek would lay in bed at night he would think about the life of isolation they were living. It hadn't been that bad. They talked to their friends and family on the phone all of the time, but it wasn't the same. He could only imagine how it would be when she went into labor and had their child. She would feel alone. And even if people were there for the birth, she would still be alone. He couldn't have that. After a one on one conversation with Dr. Taylor, Derek having stated that Meredith may go into a state of postpartum depression, Dr. Taylor agreed to let her return home. Derek agreed to fly him in once a month, and to do sessions with a new doctor that had arrived an hour away from Seattle. All was well in the world.

"You will be okay. The therapy you need is in Seattle. You need family and friends." Derek told her with a nod. "And we need to get our son up. I'm thinking we should have kept him up all night." Derek said with a chuckle.

"I will die if he is a monster on the plane. He stays in that seat. I was actually having nightmares of him running through the aisle screaming." She said with horror in her eyes.

"We have a good son, Mer. He has great manners. He just gets bored like any little boy. Our little girl won't be like that." He teased as he placed his hand on her stomach, feeling the little kicks.

"Uh huh." Meredith teased as she looked off. She knew it was a boy. She could just feel that it was a boy. Boys were the only ones that treated their mother the was this one was. And she felt exactly the same as she did with Liam.

"Did you find out and not tell me?" Derek asked with concern. He was sure they agreed to not find out. "I hope not. And besides, it could be a girl. I can't wait to see the shock on your face. Daddy's know."

"Yep." Meredith agreed with a nod, appeasing him. "You go get your boy. I'll do a walk through. I know, I know... I just need to make sure." She said, knowing she had done several walk throughs.

Meredith was amazed when she walked through. She liked the house, but no matter what, it would never be home. It could have never been home. She couldn't wait to stand in her own great room and look out the windows that showed her picturesque property. She couldn't wait to run her hands over teh lumber that held their home together. She couldn't wait to lay in their bathtub and soak for hours on in, adding water over and over. She wanted to go home so badly she couldn't take it. She would leave everything they had here if she had to. She wanted her home.

"Moooommmm." Liam said, emphasizing the "o" and the "m" as he had been taught. Meredith quickly leaned down and gave him a kiss. "Sis." He said as he kissed her belly.

"Derek...You are really going to confuse him when he has to call his brother something that isn't sis." She grumbled as she rubbed her son's head. "Are you ready, Liam Patrick?" She questioned as she looked into his big blue eyes. "Ready for the plane?"

"Fy! Fy!" He said as he put his arms out and fly around the house. Derek smiled as he picked a flying Liam up and carried him to the car. They couldn't wait to go home.

--

Meredith laid her head back on the headrest. She remembered the days when she and Derek were just itching to get into the airplane bathroom and have amazing mile high sex. Now she would be lucky if she could even fit in the bathroom on her own. She was getting more and more uncomfortable. Even with just a touch more than a month left, she was feeling like her body was going to explode. She was forever feeling the baby kicking her in the ribs and if that wasn't bad enough, it was nocturnal. Or maybe an insomniac. It never slept.

"Daaa!" Liam screamed loudly as he fought his father. Meredith wasn't even sure what he was trying to do to the boy, but it was obviously something he did not like.

"He's yours." Meredith reminded Derek as she glanced over. She saw the dirty looks of the passengers. In her defense, this was the first time that Liam had made a peep. Now it was just a very loud peep.

"Thanks." Derek grumbled. He wasn't really mad, but sometimes he could not handle Liam the way that Meredith could. He had made a deal with Meredith that he would handle him during the whole flight. Meredith had offered to have the boy checked as luggage and put in the underneath of the plane. Derek wasn't very fond of the idea.

"Hey, I offered to check him. I bet you are wishing you hadn't done that, huh?" She asked, over the screaming boy.

"You'd think that mother would do something about her kid." Meredith heard a passenger say under her breath. She knew that older people got irritated by small children and she had to do something about it.

"A little help..." Derek grumbled as he tried to control Liam, who was trying to flail himself out of his seat.

"Liam Patrick, let's go." Meredith said as she gave Derek the look to let him down.

"Goin'?" He asked as he looked up at her. Meredith couldn't help but giggle. How could they really expect him to be fine on the plane?

"We are going potty cause mommy really, really needs to. Then we are going for a walk. Is that okay with you?" She asked as she looked at him. He nodded his head and gave her his hand. "Just a walk, and you are going to hold mommy's hand." She explained as they walked out into the aisle.

"Play?" Liam almost shouted as he looked around. Meredith put her finger over her mouth to motion to him to be quiet.

"Shhh... People are sleeping." Meredith whispered as she bent on her knees. She felt the pressure of her large abdomen making her uncomfortable. "See... They are taking a nap."

"Shhhh." Liam agreed as he looked around. Meredith struggled to get back to her feet as she held his hand. Meredith walked to the bathroom with him and opened the door. She knew he had to go potty, even if he wouldn't admit it. As she looked around the tight fit of the bathroom, she looked around with a frown, everything was getting harder for her and she hated it.

"Oh..." Meredith groaned as she stood there, feeling teh baby kicking her hard. She took in a short gasping breath and looked down at Liam.

"Kay?" He asked as he looked up at her. From them being together for so long they had a deep connection and he worried about her whenever e could feel her distress. Meredith wasn't worried at all, she knew this was all normal. That didn't mean it wasn't uncomfortable.

"I'm okay." Meredith said with a nod as she closed her eyes and drew in a breath through her nose. The baby would play in her ribs giving her pains over and over again. "Baby is kicking." Meredith told him as she grabbed his hand and held it to her stomach.

"Hard." He said with wide eyes. All of a sudden he got a look of urgency on his face. "Potty! Have to goooo." He said quickly as he ripped his pants down. Meredith scoffed as she looked at the empty seat cover container. He had nothing to sit on. She sighed as she bent over.

"I will hold you." Meredith said as she grabbed him under the arms and grunted.

"Noooo! Do self!" He said loudly as struggled against her grasp. Meredith groaned as she felt the force against her. "Let go!"

"Liam, you are hurting me. Please stop." Meredith said quickly as she felt the struggle taking it's toll on her. Liam let out a huff and let her hold him up.

"Go potty." She said as she held him, feeling his weight straining her back.

"Done." He said as he looked up. Meredith looked at him skeptically, not sure that he had really went. She hadn't heard a thing.

"Are you sure?" She asked as she picked him up off and set him on the floor. "Yep, you went. That was quick." She told him with a nod and a smile as she looked into his eyes. "Now wash the hands." She explained as she pulled his pants up and kicked him up against the seat. He was far too heavy for her to pick up. She knew she should have let Derek do it. "Rinse." She told him after he rubbed his soap covered hands together for what seemed to be forever.

"Done." He said simply. Meredith sat him on the floor and handed him a paper towel. She was hoping that he would be quiet when they returned to their seat.

"You have to be a good boy. Very quiet. You can play when we get home, but you have to be good now." Meredith explained as she grabbed his hand and opened the door. "Oh I'm sorry!" Meredith said as she looked up and saw a woman waiting to use the restroom. "It's hard to move around in there." Meredith explained as she looked at the blonde older lady.

"No big deal. He really is being good. Traveling with youngsters is not easy." The woman said with a nod. "You are doing a good job." She added as she disappeared into the bathroom. Meredith sighed. At least someone thought that.

"Are you doing to be a good boy?" Derek asked as Liam and Meredith returned to his seat. Meredith groaned as Liam climbed into the seat and bumped her hard.

"Good." Liam told him happily as he sat there, looking for the next activity.

"He peed so he should be good. Here." She said as she pulled out a coloring book and crayons. Derek looked at her and grabbed the supplies. Meredith laid her head back and closed her eyes.

"Are you okay, baby?" Derek asked as he looked over, the concern creeping in as it always did.

"I am. I'm just... Tired." Meredith explained as she yawned and closed her eyes, not waiting for a response. She felt exhausted. She always did when she flew and with baby it only made it harder on her.

"Are you sure? If something is wrong, just tell me. We don't need you having problems because you thought that pretending there weren't any was a good option." Derek warned her as he bore holes in her head.

"Derek! Damn it, leave me alone!" Meredith snapped as she looked over and growled under her breath. "I can be tired, and I am there. Leave me alone!" She said as she shook her head and turned away.

"Okay then..." Derek said with a shrug. He always wondered... Did he know her better than herself?


	72. Baby

Meredith tried to sleep during the remainder of the flight. She could hear Derek struggling at some points with Liam. She knew that she could jump right in and help him, but at the same time he could not depend on her, especially with the new baby on it's way. So there she sat, eye lids closed, heavy with sleep, and yet impossible for her to get there. The baby was was to active for her to do anything but moan and groan every once in awhile. That was until the baby was silent. And then she slept.

"Liam, you could cooperate, son." Meredith heard Derek say. It wasn't his voice that was her wake up call. It was the captain's voice thanking them for flying and explaining that they had arrived.

"Yep, could." Liam said in broken english. Meredith couldn't help but laugh. He sounded like her when she was young, or at least what she had heard from her mom. Meredith had been a mouth little girl, far too smart for her age and knowing just what buttons to push.

"No more of that. _Either _of you." Derek said smartly as he looked over, having herd her laugh. "You over there... Yes, the one you relaxes... You need to get your seatbelt on, Honey. We are getting ready to land." He warned her as he fought with Liam. "And you, son... Boarding school." Derek teased as he looked down at him.

"Kay." Liam muttered as she wrestled with the little roy that they had allowed him to bring on the plane. "Stool." He said as he played.

"Interesting." Meredith said with a giggle. "Dad has resorted to empty threats that son doesn't understand. As a result our son will be playing with poop, also known as...stool." She said as she started to laugh. Derek joined in with her and shook his head.

"And to think, we want another one. You would think they would have prevented us from doing that. Seeing as our son can be a m-o-n-s-t-e-r." Derek said quickly.

"Well, that is our fault. Once the baby gets here, we will really have to work on it." She said with a nod as she held her stomach, feeling the plane jump around. They expected Liam to be afraid, but he seemed more excited than anything.

"I think you may be right about that, And you were right. Spoiling him was a huge mistake. I'm sorry, Mer." Derek said as he ate dirt and admitted that he had made a huge mistake. "We, or I, can't do this to the next one."

"You didn't do this all on your own." She told him as she rested her hand on his leg. "And we won't do it with the next one."

Meredith and Derek were happy to finally get out of the plane and into the airport. They were feeling like they needed a change of air, and more room for their son. Meredith had expected rotten fruit to be thrown at her, and was surprised when people just walked by like it was all forgotten. They truth was, they were just rushing to get away from them. Liam hadn't been bad, but he hadn't been great either.

Derek offered to let Meredith sit down, but she insisted that she walk with him to collect the baggage. She complained that she had just been sitting for hours and she was ready to move around. The baby was on and off active in her stomach as they went to work, Derek not allowing her to pick up anything. At this point in the pregnancy, she wasn't going to argue with him.

"The Land Rover is out there." Derek said as he wheeled the luggage cart along towards one of the many exits. "At this point, you are staying here. Liam and I will go pick up the car." He told her as he grabbed his keys out and picked up his son, disappearing into the lot.

"Oh baby..." Meredith said softly as she rubbed her stomach. She had to moan as she felt it. This child was just itching to get out, and the truth was, she was itching for it to get out. It was far ahead of every parameter. In fact, it was huge. They were talking about inducing her if she didn't deliver on time, or if it kept up at the rate it was going. "...What you doing in there?" She asked as she talked to her stomach.

"Okay." Derek said as he hopped out of the car and opened the back up. Before he loaded the luggage, he helped Meredith into the seat. Meredith sat with a smile on her face, looking around at her home. This was the place she loved, mist falling on the windshield, dark clouds crowning the horizon.

"Time to go home." Derek said with a smile as he climbed in the seat and they drove off. Liam was already sound asleep, and Meredith couldn't understand why he didn't do that on the plane.

"Yes, home." Meredith said with a smile as he drove through the familiar city. Meredith's eyes got wide as she sat in her seat, in shock. "Derek, you need to take a left here."

"The house is to the right, Mer... how long have you been away?" He teased as he looked over at her and chuckled.

"No, Derek... Take... Take... Take a left!" She shouted. "You have to- Go... Left. My water just broke." She gasped as she sat there in the puddle.

"What?" Derek asked in shock as he looked at her and then down. "Oh my god!" He said as he cut across all the lanes of traffic. It was time.

"Too soon! Too soon!" Meredith shouted as she felt the contractions ripping her apart. Meredith held her stomach and panted as she sat in the pool of fluid that had covered the leather seats of Derek's car. She was worried, A month early was too early in her book. Two days early was too early. She felt sick as the pain tore her in two and the worry drowned her thoughts.

"It will be okay, Mer." He assured her. "Oh god, we aren't ready." He muttered to himself as he thought about their un-lived in house and the fact that the nursery wasn't even close to ready. There was so much they needed to do and yet none of it was done. Derek was feeling like a failure, not having been ready for this baby.

"Too soon, Derek!" She shouted loudly as she laid her head back and watched the road. "I'm not ready. I cant do this yet. Not yet." She cried as she looked out the passenger window.

"Ma!" Liam cried out as he looked around in panic. He could sense his father's fear and he could hear his mom screaming as another contraction came on. Derek wasn't driving fast enough in her book. "Mom!" Liam screamed loud and clear as he started to feel like the world was ending.

"It's okay, buddy. It's okay." Derek said as reassuringly as he could muster in his own worried state. Her contractions were far too close together for his liking. "How long have you been having contractions, Mer? Why didn't you tell me?" He questioned, feeling once again offended and left in the dark.

"I was okay." Meredith said as she sighed and took in breaths. "I was okay. I felt a little off, but... Oh God... Not this. I didn't think- Oh my god, Derek. It's coming!" Meredith shouted in a panic, wondering if they would even make it to Seattle Grace. Her labor with Liam had been so long and painful, and this baby was coming, ready or not.

"Oh shit!" Derek shouted as Liam screamed at the top of his lungs in the back seat. It was too much. Too much chaos, too much worry. He was feeling his own stomach knot up in fear. "Liam! Stop!" Derek yelled at his son, eliciting even louder cries from the boy. Derek sighed as he shook his head. "I have to call, I'm calling." He muttered more to himself than anyone else.

Meredith listened as Derek warned them that they were on their way. He was planning on driving straight to the emergency ambulance entrance and they would be waiting. All Meredith could do was worry. She couldn't help but think something was wrong if she was delivering early. She sat back as the tears ran down her face like hot raindrops, a mixture of pain and concern.

"You're okay... It's okay...You're okay... It's okay...You're okay... It's okay...You're okay... It's okay..." Meredith chanted to herself as Derek whipped around corners and ran through yellow stoplights. She was just hoping they would survive the drive at this point.

Meredith drew in a deeper breath and laid her head back as the pain subsided for a moment. She tried to get as relaxed as she could and feel the baby. She needed to use her instincts and think about what was going and and try to feel if everything was okay. She could feel the pain, and that was it. She felt herself ready to cry again, and she focused on the baby, ignoring Liam and Derek. She had to feel her instincts. Her instincts told her that it was okay. The baby was okay.

"I'm okay... Oh my... not... Not okay! Derek get there! Now... I feel it! Go!" Meredith screamed as she started to bear down and push. Derek looked over at her with wide eyes and sped down the road near the hospital. He told her not to push, but she continued on, feeling to much pressure. it was doing no good. He couldn't seem to do anything right. His wife was giving birth and his son was in a panic, neither of which he could control.

"Oh thank God!" Derek moaned as he pulled up to the doors and say Bailey out there with a couple of interns and Izzie. Derek came to a quick stop and jumped right out of the car.

"Leave it to you to come back and make a ruckus." Dr. Bailey said as she opened Meredith's door.

"She's pushing." Derek warned as he tried to get in the way. Meredith rolled her eyes back as she breathed and pushed.

"Addison is ready for you. And you, get out of here How many babies have you had?" Miranda asked as Derek inhibited rather than helped the situation. Derek stepped back. "Let's get her on the gurney." Bailey said quickly as Everyone helped her up.

"Liam. Izzie, can you get him?" Derek asked, remembering his screaming son. Derek watched as Izzie pulled him out and held him close. Liam fought her grasp and tried to see what was going on, crying out for both of his parents. "You're okay, Liam. Mer... He is fine, focus, honey."

"Go to hell, Derek." Meredith growled as she began to sob. They quickly wheeled her down the hallway, everyone looking as she passed. What a way for Meredith Grey to return to Seattle Grace,

"Meredith Elizabeth!" Addison said with a smile as they walked her into the delivery room. "I never thought I would see you so soon!" She said with a smile. "Let's check you out." She told her as they began to strip off Meredith's clothes and get her into a gown.

"Oh God, it hurts!" Meredith shouted as she tossed her head in pain.

"The baby is right there. Are your ready to push?" Addison asked. Meredith looked up at Derek and held his hand. They were okay.

Meredith never let go of Derek's hand as she bore down and pushed. She didn't even get an epidural, it was far to late. This baby was going to come whether they were ready or not, and they chose to be ready. Meredith was stressed and overjoyed all at once as the pain ripped through her body and the baby made it's way to the world.

Derek felt his wife's grip on his hand tighten as Addison spat out directions to push harder. Meredith was at the point of the shoulders, and if Derek remembered clearly, once they cleared, it was smooth sailing. Derek watched as the beads of sweat that were forming on her forehead finally broke free and began to run down her head. This baby was coming.

"One last push, Meredith. You are doing so good!" Addison said happily as she looked at her friend. Bailey had long since left the birthing suite, having been called into an emergency surgery. Meredith didn't know anyone who was in that room with her. That was what happened when you were away for so long.

"Ahhh!" Meredith screamed as she gave one last push, the remainder of her energy and efforts. She couldn't push again if someone forced her. She just didn't have it in her.

"Congratulations! Baby boy Shepherd has entered the world." Addison said as she held him up and handed him to the nurses. Meredith and Derek looked at each other and began to cry tears of joy as his hearty screams filled the room.

"I want to see him." Meredith said as she struggled to look for her baby. "Is he okay? Why didn't you let me hold him?" Meredith panicked as she tried to sit up.

"He's fine. He was early and we just want to make sure that everything is perfect." She explained as she grabbed her friend's hand.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked softly as she attempted to relax. "Are you sure?"

"I am sure. Nurse, how is the baby?" Addison said, knowing that by the healthy cries and the relaxed nature of the staff that he was just fine.

"Six pounds, two ounces. And... Twenty inches exactly." She said with a smile. "Healthy lungs and he is breathing strongly. He is a healthy baby boy."

"That is good sized. He wouldn't have wanted to hang out for another month." Addison said with a giggle as she stood up and walked over to grab him.

"Are you sure- It's a boy?" Derek asked in disbelief. He had believed wholeheartedly that it was going to be a girl. Addison nodded her head and Derek then looked down at Meredith. "I am so proud of you, baby. You were amazing. So amazing." He told her as he leaned down and kissed her softly. "I love you."

"Here is the big boy." Addison said as she placed him into Meredith's awaiting arms. He already had his eyes closed and was sleeping. Apparently coming into the world wasn't exciting enough for him. "Sleepy big boy. "

"Is he okay?" Meredith asked in a panic. Addison nodded her head and looked at him both. "Liam was just so... loud!"

"Yes, he was a loud baby. This guy is a bit more relaxed." Addison explained as she rubbed his arm.

"Hey buddy..." Derek said softly as he placed his finger in the baby's hand. The baby opened his eyes and looked around. "Hey. I'm your daddy." Derek said as he kissed his head. The baby's eyes began moving around quickly. "This is mommy..."

"Hey..." Meredith said softly as tears ran down her cheeks. She felt so full of love. She felt like nothing could go wrong with her children in her arms. They were everything. Topped off with Derek, the world was a perfect place. "Hey..." She said as he eyes looked into his. The let out a little sigh and closed his eyes. "What the heck did that mean?" Meredith questioned in disbelief. "It's like he was disappointed."

"He's tired, honey. He just travelled through no man's land. Okay, one man's land...Particularly mine." He told her with a chuckle. "He is content. If he was sobbing, then I would be offended." He joked. "How are you feeling?"

"Exhausted." Meredith said as she ran her hand over the boys head, caressing his soft blond hair.

"Too exhausted for a little boy?" Derek asked, knowing Izzie and Liam were outside.

"Never too tired for my man. Bring him in, he needs to meet his brother." Meredith said with a smile as she lifted herself up slightly and tried to keep herself awake. She just wanted to sleep forever.

"Ma!" Liam shouted as he rushed in. Derek shushed him and he began to creep, rather than run. "Mom..."

"Would you like to meet your brother?" Meredith asked as she nodded for Derek to lift him up. "LeeLee...meet you brother. This is Rory. Rory Galen Shepherd." She said, looking up at Derek. His grandfather's name was Galen and they had kept this name a secret.

"Ory!" Liam said as he reached for the baby quickly.

"Be gentle, Liam. He is just a baby." Derek said as she showed him how gentle he was with the baby.

"Baby..." He said softly as he rubbed him gently. "Baby Ory." He said as he leaned down and kissed his head gently. "Wuv." He whispered gently. Meredith and Derek began to tear up. They were the perfect family.


	73. Dog

The excitement level in the hospital had been high. Not only was Meredith Grey back; along with her very attractive husband, but she had also delivered a baby. Every new intern in the hospital knew all about Meredith Grey. She was one of the best interns that had done the program, and she had a very famous mother who pioneered the world of medicine for women. Sure there may have been many female doctors before her, but she set the bar up higher.

Most of the interns heard of Meredith Grey through the interns before them. Of course Meredith and Derek's friends were always talking about them. It seemed much of the hospital had forgotten about what happened when Meredith stabbed Craig to death. The new interns were denied that information and much of the hospital had discovered through going to conventions and other function, just how bad Craig had been.

Meredith wads tired. It seemed all the stress was coming at once again. Derek was itching to go back to work. She knew she would have to go back to work. And then their was Liam who was somewhat rebelling against the world. Meredith sat on the sofa and stared for a moment. She only had a moment and she knew it. The baby would be waking up and then it would start again.

"Liam! Your sandwich is ready." Derek told him as he walked in the great room. Derek looked at Meredith. He knew she was exhausted and he saw no problem with her taking a break. "Have you seen him?" Derek asked as he looked at her.

"Huh? What?" Meredith moaned as she perked awake and looked up. She had spit-up on her shirt and her hair was a mess. Everyone wanted to stop buy and see Rory and she was doing what she could to keep them away.

"Have you seen our son, Liam? He seems to have disappeared. His lunch is ready. Liam... Liam...." He said as he walked around. "Oh my god! Liam! What are you doing?" Derek shouted, his voice loud and deep. Meredith quickly leaned over the sofa back and looked in horror.

"Cut." Liam said as he stood up. "I cut for you." He told Derek as he handed him the pillow that he had cut with the scissors.

"Oh no! We don't cut that stuff! Liam, that was bad." Meredith said as she looked at everything and shook her head. He had tried to cut a shoe. He had cut their sofa throw pillow and his own little shirt. He had an accumulating pile that he actually seemed proud of.

"I cut." Liam said as he held up his finger and started to bawl. Meredith and Derek both looked down at the blood starting to come to the surface.

"Oh my god, Derek! He's bleeding!" Meredith said as she jumped over the back of the sofa and took his finger in her hand.

"Let me see." Derek said as he pulled the finger away from her panicking, shaking hand.

"It's not bad. No stitches. He just needs a bandaid. See, Lee, this is why little boys don't use scissors. Never use those." Derek warned as he picked him up and carried him off. Meredith drew in a deep breath and shook her head. She knew that Liam was upset that baby got so much of her time. Many times when she was breast feeding he would throw fits because he couldn't do it too. Derek would then give him a sippy cup full of juice.

Meredith slowly walked upstairs, hearing the almost silent cries of her tiny baby from his nursery. Because he was a boy, they were able to modify Liam's nursery slightly and give it to Rory. Liam barely remembered that it was his at all, and with the help of Mark and Alex, Derek made him the perfect room and he thought it was the best thing in the world.

"Hey buddy! Are you hungry?" Meredith asked as she lifted him up gently and carried him to the chair in the corner. So many times nursed Liam in that chair, and more often than not it was alone. "You are such a hungry boy!" Meredith said exuberantly as he took her breast with greed. "Mommy and daddy love you so much. Even Lee... Liam loves you too. He's just a little beast. See, it was all about him before you came. He went through a struggle. Daddy was never around for him. Not anymore. See daddy will be around lots. Or at least I hope so...." She said with a sigh. Her fears were returning.

Derek walked by the stairs, trudging the whole way. Liam was in time out. He had been in time out and fallen asleep there. He wasn't even sure how he felt about disciplining his son, but he knew he had to do something. He couldn't just get away with his bad behavior and Derek wasn't sure how to resolve it.

Derek walked into the nursery and smiled. Meredith was sound asleep, snoring gently with Rory in her arms. He never worried about her falling asleep with the babies because he knew her motherly instinct took over and protected them.

"Pretty impressive..." Derek mumbled almost silently. "Not many can sleep next to her when she snores." He pointed out.

"Mmm...." Meredith moaned as she felt Derek pull Rory from her arms. "What are you doing?" She questioned as if she had been awake and alert.

"He is asleep, and so were you. Why don't you go take a hot shower?" Derek suggested as he snuggled his sleeping baby into the crib and gave him a soft kiss. He had a bigger button nose than Liam had and wondered if Rory would be unfortunate like him.

"Where is Liam?" Meredith asked as she stumbled over. She stood next to him and looked down. "I don't want to leave you with him again, I can shower later."

"Liam is... A long story. Go take your shower and we will talk. Right now, he is taking a nap." Derek told her frankly. The boy had exhausted himself and fallen asleep from having his fit.

"What's wrong with him? Is he okay?" Meredith said quickly as she started to worry. "I can take a shower tonight."

"No, you can't. I was being nice, but quite frankly, Mer... You stink." Derek said with a chuckle. Meredith feigned shock as she stood there with her arms crossed against her chest. "He is napping. It's not a big deal. Go take your shower." He told her as he leaned in and kissed her head. He quickly stood back in drew in a breath. "Whew! You are ripe."

"It's called spit-up and his seems putrid." Meredith said as she shook her head and walked away.

Derek looked back down at his son. He knew that Liam would get jealous, even if he had been hoping her wouldn't. He was just thankful he hadn't hurt himself worst than he did. All he could think about was Liam getting a knife and cutting a finger off or stabbing himself. Right after Liam fell asleep, Derek worked on getting everything out of reach and put away. Take away the temptation. But he wondered if he would just pick up another bad habit.

"Ah! I feel better!" Meredith said as she walked out of the master bath, freshly bathed and shaven. "I guess I was a mess." She sighed as she walked over to the bed and collapsed next to Derek. "So tell me what we do."

"Well, I think he needs responsibility. He is being terrible, feeling left out. He needs something to care for. Something that will be his and give him attention." Derek said with a smile.

"And that would be?" Meredith asked dumbly as she looked at him. "A new set of parents?" She joked as she closed her eyes and yawned. "Tell me. I give up..."

"He needs a dog, Mer. A pet. I think it would be the greatest thing for him." Derek pointed out happily.

"Oh yeah. He would probably cut his fur off. Shit, we would get an un-nuetred dog, and he would do the surgery." She teased shaking her head. It really wasn't a joke, but she had to laugh because his parents were cutters, and now he was. Even if it wasn't the same kind. She looked up at the seriousness on Derek's face. "Okay! Fine... Maybe you are right. He needs a dog." She said with a sigh. Would Liam take care of it? Did they need another responsibility?

-------------

Meredith yawned as she heard the door open. If it was another person to see that baby, they could just shove it. She was tired. She was tired of parading him around when she looked and felt like trash. She was tired of feeling like she couldn't sit down because someone might come. Liam didn't always keep his toys where they should be and she had to constantly keep picking them up. It wasn't just the concern of keeping a clean house. It was the concern that someone would step on the hot wheels and meet their death.

"Hello?" Meredith heard a familiar voice. Meredith's head quickly whipped around and a smile covered her help.

"Oh thank god!" Meredith said as she jumped up off the sofa and threw her arms around the suspecting victim. "I need you so bad!" Meredith admitted as she looked at her mother in law.

"Oh dear!" Lynn said as she pulled her tightly against her. "If you hadn't popped so soon, I would have been here from the beginning. How are you? I know it's so hard." Lynn said with a smiled as she brushed Meredith's cheek. Meredith was just slightly pale. Her hair was a mess and she was tired. Lynn could see the exhaustion in her face. She was here to help, but she knew Meredith had to do it herself, too.

"I'm okay. We are okay. Liam is just jealous. I'm sure Derek has told you that. Actually he took Liam for a boy's day out. And thank God because Rory needed a break from the screaming of his brother. It's not hurting his mom either." Meredith giggled as she looked at her mother in law.

"I can only imagine. Derek was the youngest. I have to say within two days in our house, he was learning to sleep through many sounds." Lynn said with a nod. "His sisters were so loud. Always squealing."

"That's funny... He slept through that. What is his excuse for not being able to handle my snoring?" Meredith asked as she raised a brow and looked at Lynn with her hands on her hips.

"Because he is Derek." Lynn offered with a sigh. Meredith rolled her eyes and looked down at the floor. Her eyes got wide once she realized who was there.

"Angus!" Meredith said as she dropped to her knees and bean to pet the dog. He was a middle aged dog that Lynn had rescued years back. The whole family had learned to love him. "What is he doing here?" She asked in shock.

"Oh." Lynn said quickly as she looked down at Meredith, who was petting Angus. "Apparently Derek didn't tell you." She said with a look of concern on her face.

"Tell me what?" Meredith asked quickly as she stood up. She wasn't sure she liked where this was going.

"Well, I offered Angus to you guys. And Derek accepted." Lynn told her with a look of worry on her face. She could shoot her son for failing to warn her about it. Now she felt like a jerk who showed up to dump off a dog.

"He did?" Meredith asked quickly. "We talked about it. We talked about getting a dog but he never said- I'm just- It's not- Okay. Wow. No. I mean yes. Angus is good. Yes, this is a good thing. We know him so- Wow. I'm sorry. I was just not expecting this. But really, Derek made a good choice. We know he has a good temperament. He is healthy. This is perfect." She said as she looked down at the Welsh Corgi at her feet.

"Are you sure?" Lynn asked quickly as she held his leash. She was wondering if her daughter in law was just being nice. "I can take him back. It would be no problem to take him back with me."

"No. No, really. This is fine. And besides, once Liam sees him, he's not going to let Angus back out that door to leave for good." Meredith said frankly.

"You have a point." Lynn said with a chuckle as she bent down and unclipped his leash. The dog walked around and began sniffing. Meredith watched him suspiciously. He loved dogs, but she wondered if they really were a dog friendly household. Her mom never allowed dogs and John said they didn't have time for one. "He is a good dog, Meredith." Lynn reassured her as she looked at her.

"I know he is." Meredith admitted as she took her eyes off of him. She was just concerned that it was one more thing. She was already behind in her residency. She was wondering if she would ever get back to the hospital. With the kids and now a dog, it just seemed to be too much. Meredith thought about the scalpel in her hand. She missed it. That was what she was meant to to and now she was home watching kids. Meredith clenched her jaw as she stood there.

"Honey, I'm home." Derek said as he walked in with a huge smile on his face. "Mom!"

"Dog!" Liam shouted as he ran after Angus.

"Oh... Shit." Derek muttered as he looked down. "I may have forgot that detail."

"Yeah... Maybe you did." Meredith said as she looked him in the eyes.


	74. A Good Place To Be

Meredith's husband was a whiner. Yes, Derek Shepherd was a whiner of the greatest kind. Meredith laid back in her bed and looked over at her husband. She could tell that he was itching to get back to the hospital. His mother had more or less taken over, and he was thinking that he wasn't needed. The recent increase in forces was causing a decrease in faith. Meredith was getting increasingly worried that he was going to fall into his old trap and forget that he had a family.

"You know, I think Liam loves that damn dog more than he loves us." Derek said with a hint of disappointment in his voice. They both knew it wasn't true, but there was no question that their son had formed the man's best friend connection.

"I'm beginning to think so. He definitely loves Angus more than his brother." Meredith said with a laugh, half serious. Liam seemed to pick and choose when he loved his brother. Lately it was more often. Sometimes he loved him, other times he was filled with jealousy. Occasionally he forgot his brother existed until he heard a scream.

"You should have seen him. Liam is sound asleep and Angus is asleep in his dog bed on the floor." Derek pointed out with a smile. Meredith was definitely angry at the beginning. They had considered a dog when Lynn showed up with him. After a short while they realized that Angus was low maintenance, and he really was a good decision.

"I know. you were right, Derek." Meredith sighed as she pulled up a magazine from the table beside her and opened it up.

"What's wrong, Mer?" Derek asked. he knew his wife well enough to know that something was on her mind. The one thing that Dr. Taylor had told him was to never let her bottle things up.

"Nothing." Meredith said meekly, not doing a good job hiding her silent pain. Little did she know, it really wasn't silent. It was very apparent.

"Don't. Don't do that. Something is on your mind. Don't pretend you are fine when you aren't. Mer, just- Don't do it. You can tell me anything you need to. You can tell me anything, no matter how painful it is." Derek told her frankly. He was bracing himself for something devastating.

Meredith sat there and looked at her husband. She wrapped the egyptian cotton sheet around her hand and ringed it nervously. She didn't want to share with him. She didn't want him to know that she honestly had doubts that he would do what he said. She didn't want to tell him that she feared that he would high tail it to the hospital and dump Rory off. She knew she couldn't handle both kids on her own, no way.

"Say it." Derek repeated as he pulled her hand into his and stroked it gently.

"I'm afraid. I know you have been so great. you are the best husband that anyone could ever have. I love you so much. I trust you. I do trust you, Derek. But somewhere in the back of my head it is there. It's there saying you will leave us. I made it the first time, but I won't make it again. I can't do it again. Not with two. i do trust you, Derek. I just... I'm scared." Meredith admitted as the magazine slipped from her hands and fell to the floor. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she sobbed.

"Oh, Mer." Derek said as he dropped his own book and pulled her into his lap. That is an awful lot of trust for someone who doesn't trust me." He said as he stroked her hair. At his comment. she only cried harder. "Oh baby! I know you are upset. Honey, you can trust me. I know you are scared. I know that I made huge mistakes. I won't do it again. I am here. I am here and i have kept up on my license. I don't have to go back. i will only go back when we are both ready. There are three things in this world that are important to me. You, our children and work. I have to say, work follows very far behind. It will be there. When I decide to go back, it will be there. Until then, I am here. I am where I belong.... By your side." Derek told her as he tipped her head up, kissing her gently on the lips.

"Oh, Derek." Meredith said as she kissed him back gently and pulled away. "I'm sorry I doubted you at all. Do you think would can blame it on hormones?" She asked with a giggle.

"Of course. Hormones it is!" He said with a smile as he looked at her and then kissed her on the forehead. "Oh... I think I hear a little man." Derek said as he heard the gentle whimper of Rory. "I'll go get him."

"Thank you. For- Just thank you." Meredith said with a smile as she laid back against the headboard and sighed. "It will be okay." She said to herself as she closed her eyes and waited.

"I seem to have found a straggler." Derek said as Liam walked in the room with him. "Mommy has to feed Rory. Liam, how would you like to read a story?" Derek asked as he handed Rory to Meredith, and took Liam around the bed and pulled him up. Meredith sighed as she looked over at Derek. he wanted to be a good father. He was a good father. She had to let go once and for all. It would be okay. It really would.

"Love you." Derek said with a smile as he looked over at Meredith and then down at their son.

"Love you too." Meredith replied as she stroked her baby's head.

"Love." Liam said happily as he snuggled into his dad's side. They were all okay. The perfect little family.

-------------

Meredith awoke and yawned softly. It was a quiet morning. That was becoming so rare in her house, she almost forgot what it was. She would never admit to it, but there were times when she wished for the dead silence she experienced with John. Perhaps it was the screaming children, and not the longing for her old life. In fact, whenever she felt herself thinking that way, she reminded herself how much she really loved what she had, there was no denying that.

"It's quiet." She said in shock as she looked over at Derek. Derek smiled back as he looked down at Liam.

"I know. But I have to say, I think it is best we just appreciate it." Derek told her with a nod as he pulled her against him and closed his eyes.

She remembered feeling Rory late in the night, but he had actually slept pretty well. She had to chuckle at Liam, who slept just like her, sprawled out like he owned the place. She knew he couldn't sleep in their bed forever, but there was no way she could kick him out. Especially since he had been feeling a little out of the loop and forgotten even with their best efforts. Derek was doing his best to do guys days out, but t seemed Rory was always connected to his mom and Liam was getting tired of it.

"This is nice. I have to say, Derek, I love your mom. I mean my mom. Okay, mom. Just mom." Meredith stumbled as she tried to get her words. "I love my mom."

"This is great. We do need to prepare ourselves for her departure." Derek said with a chuckle as he opened his eyes and looked down at her with her eyes closed.

"I know. But hopefully it won't be too soon." Meredith replied with a sigh as she snuggled into his side.

"Yes." Derek agreed as he looked at the clock, seeing it wasn't that the house was really abnormally silent, it was that they were up incredibly early.

Meredith drew in a breath, feeling a tad bit tired. A smile crossed her face as she felt Liam nudge her with his leg. She loved her little family. Liam was her perfect little man. She began to think about her lonely life with John. She missed him like mad, even if she didn't want to tell Derek. She never brought John up, even though there were many days when she felt a sadness come over her. It wasn't debilitating and didn't effect her day, but it was a reminder, thinking of the way she saw him in his final moments, and of course the way he looked in his casket, so cold and dead. Just gray. Like her last name, Grey.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked, feeling her tense up. It only took him second to realize that she was actually asleep.

Derek knew she had a lot on her shoulders. She was tired, just plain tired. He never questioned that she was completely happy and blissful. He knew the date was coming up that John died. It was a day that he knew affected her very deeply. He was thinking that they really needed to take a trip and visit his gravesite. He knew that it would be perfect. Being there seemed to bring her peace, and he knew that John was a huge part of her life that she would never forgot or walk away from.

Taking a trip with the baby was an insane idea, but it was something that he knew they had to do. His mother was going to be going home soon, and maybe they could share a flight until they went on their separate connection flights. Derek was feeling confident in his idea. It would not only give them peace, but that way she could tie up some loose ends too.

"Mmm..." Meredith moaned as Liam delivered a kick and woke her up. "Liam, I know that was you." She muttered as she opened her eyes. Liam quickly popped up and climbed in her face.

"Torry mommy." He told her as he delivered a sloppy kiss. Meredith sighed and kissed him back.

"It's okay, I still love you." She told him with a giggle as she began tickling him. "Hurry daddy, help me." She said as he looked over. Derek leaned in and helped tickle their son.

"Top! Top it! Top it now!" Liam said as he began to get obviously irritated. Meredith and Derek looked at each other and laid back, shaking their heads.

"The boy just can't take the pressure." Derek teased as he shook his head and rolled his eyes. Meredith smiled as Liam crawled into her lap and snuggled in. "It's coming up you know." Derek said, referring to John's date of death.

"I know." Meredith agreed with a sigh. She knew exactly what he was talking about, as it wore on her mind everyday until it came. "I know..."

"I think we should go there. Check up on Lois' house, check the grave... We will go and I will take you. I actually have it all planned out. Mom will come until we switch flights. We can stay in that hotel. It will be perfect. I mean as perfect as he can be. It will be good for you." Derek told her with a nod. Meredith's first thought was to say no. She paused a minute before she answered. The truth was, it was a great idea. It was something she wanted to do.

"Okay." Meredith said with a sigh as she looked down at Liam, rubbing his head.

"Okay?" Derek asked, wondering why it had been so easy.

"Okay." Meredith agreed happily. She needed this, it was exactly what she needed.

------------------------

Meredith laid back on the grass and let the sun hit her face. It was a warm day. A perfect day to do many things. The thing of her choosing? To sit in the cemetery with her dead ex-husband. She wasn't alone, of course. Derek was right beside her. In fact, it had all been his idea. What wasn't his idea, was to do it how they were doing it, but that was how it ended up. He finally let it rest, realizing that she had to do things her way. After all that had happened, they needed some sort of peace, whether it be this way or another. Derek knew that Meredith would have to find her peace in all this or she would never be happy.

"This is nice." Meredith said with a soft sigh as she felt her face heating up from the sunlight that was peaking through the trees.

"Oh yes... Nice. Morbid, but nice." Derek said with a chuckle. He had been teasing her, but at the same time, he understood what she wanted and needed. He would never stand in her way.

"What is morbid about this?" Meredith asked as she shadowed her eyes with her hand and glanced over. Derek had Rory in his arms, the baby sleeping gently. "We are hanging out here... In this...well, you could call it a park. We are going to eat lunch. I don't understand?" She said with a sigh. She had heard stories that stepping on graves took time off your life, she half wondered what laying on a grave would do to a person.

"We are eating on top of you d-e-a-d ex -h-u-s-b-a-n-d." Derek said as he shook his head. "And our son... He is playing there." Derek said with a laugh as he looked at Liam, who was playing with his big truck, shoving it through the manicured lawn.

"Oh sawy" Liam said as he bumped the headstone with his truck. "Mom... Who is dis?" He asked quickly as he pointed to the stone with John's name on it.

"That is mommy's friend, John." Meredith said with a smile as she looked at the stone. Thinking back, she was sure that they would all be great friends. It would have worked out, and she was sorely missing her best friend. Derek was her husband, John was her best friend. She wished she could have embraced it through all her anger.

"Oh. Sawy John." Liam said as he patted the stone. Derek looked up at Meredith and she waited for it.

"Our son thinks that stone is John." Derek said under his breath. Meredith sighed and shook her head. She was surprised that he was even sitting there with her. "He thinks your friend is a rock."

"It's fine, Derek. He is a little boy with an amazing imagination. I'm not worried about it." She told him with a smile. Originally, Derek was supposed to leave. At least that was what he was planning. He was somewhat shocked when she suggested they all spend some time there.

"Liam, are you hungry, buddy?" Derek asked as he looked at him. Liam smiled and looked up at him. Derek knew it was time for his lunch and handed him a ham sandwich quarter. "What about you, Mer?" Derek asked as he glanced over. He gently placed Rory in the carrier to sleep.

"I'm fine. Actually, I'd like to take a nap." She admitted with a sigh as she rolled onto her stomach and placed her arms under her head.

"You go ahead." Derek agreed as he pulled out his Journal of American Medicine and began reading as Liam snacked on his sandwich and some carrot sticks.

Meredith closed her eyes and began thinking. It had been a rough ride, but she was so fortunate to have everything that she had. She smiled to herself, thinking about the future. She was imagining what it would be.

_[i]Rory was always a smart boy. He was always more quiet and reserved then his brother. He had a different way of thinking, and it wasn't medical. Rory Shepherd was born to be a stockbroker. There was something about money that he loved. In his reservation, he really opened up when things fluctuated. He was a risk taker. He may have been a quiet one, but he was a risk taker, somedays coming home to his wife and only child, thinking she was going to have a heart attack. Jill watched the market all day long, holding her breath. Rory or their child, Greg would be the death of her._

_Liam Shepherd was a loud mouth. As disappointing as it was, he became an attorney. Meredith had been hoping he would venture out into the medical field, but he did so much better as a prosecuting attorney. He wasn't making money like the big boys, but he was fighting a cause, making his way to District Attorney, bound for something great. The boy was born for politics. Nothing made them sadder than when after much trying, his wife Luann was unable to get pregnant. After going to every fertility specialist and giving up, they were in the process of adopting. Both wore thin, thinking they would never be happy, when low and behold, Luann found out she was pregnant with twins. That only began the process, with them ending up with five happy and healthy children. _

_Meredith and Derek lived out their happy lives in peace. The house was lonely for a short while, until the grandchildren began filling the house. Before they knew it, Meredith and Derek were watching children and rocking them on the front porch just as Rory and Liam had been. Meredith and Derek were happy. Their lives had been a fight, but it was worth it. Meredith weathered the storm so her children wouldn't have to. And it worked. They would never feel that pain. Not like she did.[/i]_

"Goobye, John." Meredith said as he looked up at the car Derek was packing up. "Miss ya..."

"Come on, mom!" Liam shouted as he waved for her to come. Meredith smiled.

"I'm coming baby." Meredith shouted as she looked at her perfect family. "It goes to fast..." She said under her breath. "Way too fast..."


End file.
